It has been a long time since I have written. Things are so great with C, we are having a blast. She is growing and changing, and constantly making us laugh. She is also worrying us. I think all parents worry about their little ones development. When she was born, she was slow to "wake up" and breathe. She rolled over late and not consistently, she was slow to crawl (10 months), she walked right on time, but now her speech is delayed. UGH! How is it, with two of the most talkative parents in the world, she would be delayed? We are going to have her evaluated and started on treatment. Of course we blame ourselves, too much TV, we don't let her ask for things... we spoil her. She is the most over loved baby, if that is even possible. We relish everything she does, we cheer (literally) everything! I am not exaggerating when I say that I am on the floor with her practically all day. We read, we play games, we make things, we watch YGG. She sleeps with us, I am there the second she opens her eyes and I am snuggling with her when she falls asleep. She is my dream come true and the one I wasn't sure I would ever get to have. I can except if there is a disability, learning disorder, or something else. I just want her to have every chance in the world to have a beautiful life, what ever that means.

Not ready yet.

So, I was just reading a post about Montessori schools. I almost started to cry thinking of dropping off C at school. I know it will need to happen someday, and that day is a more than a year away, but I can't even think about it. I love spending my days with her. I just can't believe she is growing up! She is almost a year old and I have tried to cherish every minute as much as I can. That is one thing I won't regret about my life as long as I can control it. I will have kissed her, loved her, and cuddled her as much as I can and I have tried to be in the moment with her. I think M feels the same way.

On a side note, my lil' C is standing on her own! She is starting to throw little tantrums when she wants something. Her top teeth are coming in all at the same time, so she like to bite, the shoulder is her favorite. She is giving big wet kisses. She loves to help M park the cars and shut the garage door. She is still sleeping with us = she rolls all over the bed and we get kicked in the face, back, and tummy. We wouldn't want it any other way.

I love my gym classes with C. We belong to the L.itt.le G.ym and G.ym.bor.e.e. I have met some great ladies and good friends, which has made living in SA easier.
So... one of the mom's in my LG class is married to one of the bas.ketb.all players.

She is beautiful and so nice and her little guy is darling. Her hubby is incredibly handsome and the group of us were instantly jealous. One of the other mom's said how lucky she was and she didn't look like she felt very lucky. He is gone all the time, he has been traded a million times and they don't expect to stay here past the end of the season. Her hubby is constantly scrutinized and criticized on tv, radio, newspaper and on the internet.

Anyway, it is so easy to look at someone else and think, "Wow, she has it together." "Wow, her life looks easy." The truth is often way more complicated.
My life is complicated as the next person, sometimes it is more so, sometimes less. I am learning to cherish what I have. I am learning to accept who I am and appriciate what has been given to me and celebrate what I have done.

Life is wonderful! The last week has been a busy one for Charlie. She is starting to crawl (officially on March 13th). I was so worried we would never get there. She is so funny when she does it. She picks up one leg and places her foot down and pushes forward. We will take it! I have seen her little friends crawling for months. Everyone thought she would go straight to walking and I don't think it will be long before she is. I am learning to be patient with her progress and reaching milestones. I feel so responsible for her development since I am with her 90% of the day alone.

One of her top teeth has broken through, it is the one on her right. She is pulling up constantly and loves to walk holding on to our fingers, she can cruise too. Biggest of all, she can let go and stand on her own for up to 8 seconds (we counted)!!

We are in Dallas right now, M is here for a training class. I miss it here so much, it makes me kind of sad. I can't wait until we move back here. There are so many places I want to take C, there just doesn't seem to be enough time.

Work Rant

Ok more feeling hurt posts. I can't sleep, as usual. So here I write at 3:00am. I worked for P for almost 7 years, I was passionate and sacrificed a lot. I enjoyed what I did, the money was great, and I was good at it. Here is the rub.

I worked with people with less than stellar ethics and they bragged about it.

One guy is a full on psycho. Like, I picture seeing him on the news someday. He would send me the craziest emails through our work email, very radical right winged kind of things and a lot of "Keep Christ in Christmas" kind of stuff. Hello? I am Jewish. He is a barely functional human being, so I didn't report anything. He simply doesn't have the capacity (literally) to know what is was doing could get him in trouble. I don't think he was trying to intimidate me or anything, he is just not very smart. Still, I quietly forwarded these emails to my self for future reference.

One of my female colleagues is in her late 40's, never married, and no kids. Ahhh... she still lives with her parents. By far the biggest narcissist I have ever met and completely unapologetic about any of it. She did very little work, except for sleeping with one of the sales managers at one of her accounts. Did I say she still lives with her parents? She was a consummate ass kisser, literally sending fruit baskets to a managers meeting one bosses day. Of course, we all had to chip in $30 a piece. She sent one to our manager, our regional manager and the VP of sales. Note, the fruit baskets were too large to take back on the plane so they left them at the hotel in Charlotte. Nice. I am not even 100% sure she put every ones name down on the card.

Now, one of my male colleagues is honestly a con artist and has my boss totally wrapped around his finger. When he found out my boss is ultra-religious he (I kid you not) started carrying around a Bible. He readily admits this to anyone who will listen. He also brags to everyone how little he does and how much he gets away with, he also bilks the company for mileage. To say I want to vomit when I think of him is an understatement. I always wanted to "out" him, but never could. I figured the truth would come out. He is well aware that I was not a fan of his. OH, and he slicks his hair back and wears tight white turtle necks and shiny shoes. WTH?

Finally, this other guy. I can't even begin... I just can't. I'll just say, my company had to bail him out financially big time because he doesn't manage money like an adult might. He got into an accident on a business trip and his car wasn't insured enough and he was WAY upside down in his payments. So, the company had to help him lease another car. Oh, and his townhouse was foreclosed on because he moved and didn't feel like paying for it anymore. He just sort of floats through life like a child. I really think, after seeing same of his presentations that he has trouble reading and writing. Oh well... How do I know this, because he isn't embarrassed about this and tells everyone.

So, I sit there, keeping my mouth shut. Being nice, and staying clear of the Mad Hatter's Tea Party. For that, I am an outsider. My dear friend and co-worker J felt the same way. I feel bad for leaving her alone to deal with the cast of crazy people. To be fair, the rest of my team were decent people, however, since we had just had a shift, I didn't know some of them very well, or for very long.

What gets under my skin, is that I covered for these people when it came to work, I pitched in for fruit baskets, flowers and gift cards, and wouldn't you know it... after almost 7 years... I didn't even get a congratulations card when I had C. Not a flower, not an email, nothing...... OK, it has been almost 8 months since I left, why do I care? I don't know that is why I am releasing all of this here. I so want to call my old boss and call HR and just spill it and shake stuff up. But I won't, because in reality, I have what I want. I left highly regarded (probably be cause I was one of the few professional sales people they had). It is still a slap in the face. I pushed out a human being and she was sick at first. I was terrified and they couldn't think to send a note or a flower arrangement to say, "Hey, we are thinking of you."

I struggled for years to get pregnant. I was never on birth control so I knew there was trouble for years before we sought treatment. I still went to almost every baby shower, 1st birthday, etc... I would cry leaving sometimes because I was so jealous. I was so thankful for my friends that came to celebrate. I just wanted to have that time where I could feel that people were happy for me. It is not about the gifts, it is just the acknowledgement that I was care for. It meant the world to me to have my friends there. Charlie has so many wonderful "Aunts" and "Uncles" that don't have to be in her life, but choose to be. In that respect, I am lucky. I have a small, but amazing group of friends.

So, now that I have gotten all of that out, I am praying I can sleep.

Ugh.. My feelings are really hurt right now. I hate that. I don't know why I let things bother me so much. I am so blessed and I am surrounded with amazing friends, family, a darling baby girl and a wonderful husband. I just want to cry. I am mad at myself for allowing this to bother me for so long, it clouds my perspective. I am not normally a jealous person, but I have been fighting this for years. It just hurts to be disregarded. Ok, enough of my pity party, I have diapers to change.

I made peace with my boobs.

I remember when I went to the mall with my boyfriend at the time, Mike. It was at the beginning of my 7th grade year. I was wearing a black t-shirt, a skirt and a beige B-cup bra. When my mom came to pick me up outside of Dillards (It had just changed from a Joske's), I ran to the car and noticed that my boobs were sitting outside of my bra. My mom took one look, and went back inside the store with me. We went to the bra department where I was fitted with a DD. That is when my life changed. I was so ashamed. I had been teased about my size before, but I didn't realize that I was different until that day. So weird, that I would remember those details. I started slouching all the time, now I literally have the beginnings of a hump on my back. I knew that my bra's weren't fitting anymore, but until I bounced all the way out, I had lived with the spillage.
Shortly after that, rumors started that I had cancer, that I stuffed my bra,that I slept around, and that sort of thing. I was really hurt. Boys were equally interested and mean to me. Men on the other hand, took notice. I recognized sometime in the middle of my 7th grade year, how powerful I could be as a girl. I was approached more by older boys, and men than guys my own age. While I felt powerful, I was also intensely ashamed and shy about my body. Until recently, I still was. During make out sessions and intimate moments, I kept my bra on and the lights off. Even after I was married, there was something that kept me from confidently being topless. Even during breast exams, I felt apologetic about the way I looked and tried to push up to make them look less saggy. It seems ridiculous now.
Two weeks before Charlie was born, I went to the hospital lactation center to look at bras. The lactation consultants work there and offered to help me. They just pulled back the curtain and I wanted to cover up.

Anyway, when I started nursing Charlie, something changed dramatically. My breasts are no longer a symbol of my imperfections and inadequacy. I am proud that I have been able to feed my baby girl. They are perfect! I don't nurse in public, not because of my shame, but because I don't want other people to be uncomfortable. Never in my life, would I have thought I would expose myself so freely in front of my friends and family and in places like the car and dressing rooms. I am now a 38 H. The great thing about having huge, droopy boobs is that I can feed her while she is laying in my lap and side-lying nursing is simple. I don't even have to roll over to change sides. I do want a reduction after I finish nursing my last baby, until then I will deal with the back and neck pain.