#$%^&*

so much to do so little time.

what shit did i get myself into.

Thank You and Goodbye Cory

source: calavera comics

I can't seem to articulate the plethora of thoughts and emotions stirring within me at the moment. All I know, is that despite not knowing much about this great woman, her story, her admirable character and her legacy have awakened something I thought I have buried a long time ago: hope. Hope for a better future for a country I still call home. Hope that despite all our differences, we can always find a common ground on which we can unite and work together. Hope that leaders, will not rule only with their political know-how and popularity, but most importantly, with a concrete sense of integrity- a trait severely lacking in our leaders today.

Today I actually shed some tears while watching the live telecast of Cory's funeral mass. I watched how thousands of people voluntarily weathered the erratic downpour, marched with her to her resting place, and said their last goodbyes and all I could think about was how sad it was that such a significant uniting force had to be taken away from the country and most especially from a family that would continue to live on to feel the most acute pain from the loss. But seeing the masses, the yellow confetti, the L sign for "laban", I could feel Hope emanating from the TV screen. It was a strange pseudo-communal experience for a generally apathetic person like me and at that moment, I was very proud to be a Filipino. 

And to me, the L sign will never stand for loser ever again, because from now on, it's Laban (Fight on). 

Because we deserve a better future. And this future is ours to make. 

survived...

30 hours of no sleep. 

and that's all i can say in such a state.

and it goes on

Sometimes I think I'm gonna be one of those people who will end up lying on the couch of my shrink's office while I talk convolutedly about my seemingly important problems to him who in turn will intermittently mutter "uh-huh" to make it seem like he's mildly interested and then I will walk out of that office convincing myself that I feel better and I will believe that delusion for a while and hours will pass and then I'll feel empty again and the whole cycle repeats itself.

Lucky to be coming home again.

So it's Friday night, and I'm stuck here all alone in the condo instead of enjoying the Manila nightlife. Why oh why do I have to fall sick? Despite the inconvenience, I'm not exactly surprised since there hasn't been a time when I came back to Philippines that I did not fall sick. I blame excessively sanitised Singapore for the development of my weak immune system. Stupid alikabok (dust).KJ (Kill-joy) talaga. O well, I'll just stay home tonight, drink lots of calamansi juice and boiled ginger and water, stick to strict medication and thus hopefully fasttrack my road to recovery. I will not be beaten by a stupid flu/cold/cough/whatever it is!


Because of this, one of my things-to-do-before-i-turn-30 is to live here for a couple of years to train my immune system. Haha. Of course, that's not the only reason. I need to learn how to live here. I feel like an extremely pampered loser whenever I come here. I'm 20 and I still don't know how to commute in mind boggling MM (even puny Tacloban City)- and taxi does not count. And I'm still intimidated by the brashness and other attitudes of Filipinos I'm not regularly accustomed to. I am but a mere observer to the organized mess that is the norm for people here, and I watch, mostly from my semi-comfortable air conditioned taxi/hired car. It's a city(cities) whose ugly side I've been protected from most of my life, a culture I've been selectively immersed in. In a sense, I don't understand. I know bits and pieces, but I can't confidently say I understand. 

Straddling between realities, neither one feeling completely right. How do I reconcile this conflict in identity? 

i need a sorting hat for my thoughts

I wish I knew where the switch to my 'faith' button was. Faith in God, faith in myself, faith in others. Because I'm scared. I'm scared of this growing negativity creeping into every crevice of my heart, my mind, and my soul. There's a saying, "I think, therefore I am" and the thing is, I'm not happy with the person I'm becoming. 

I smile to make myself happy. I don't smile because I'm happy. The only convincing hypothesis I can think of is that maybe,  deep down, I have this twisted belief that I don't deserve to be happy. When I started believing that lie, I don't know, but despite knowing it's a lie, I still can't help believing it and acting on it. And I hate feeling this wretched when I have no reason to be. I who have not lost a great love, I who have not suffered unimaginable loss, I who have not experienced unbearable pain nor depravity, I who have more than many others can ask for. It's baffling, even to myself that I can contain such unfounded melancholy. I'm bringing this upon myself. Somehow I'm choosing to feel this way. Maybe because it's times like this I feel so in tune with myself - because the emotions are so acute, I can't help but pay attention. Whereas, most of the days, I live, on moderate, middle ground feelings. Never fully happy, never fully sad. 

The other thing is that I expect too much of people when I know, I, myself can't do the same for them. And I hate this unreasonable side of me because it just engenders frustration when I follow the script for social interactions. It's very selfish and stupid and there have been instances where friendships failed because of that. And even when I tell myself that I should not expect much, I still do, and it just leads to disappointments (which wouldn't have been disappointments in the first place if I just learned how to accept and not expect). I unnecessarily set myself up for disappointment. Paradoxically, when things become too real for me to handle, I'm the first to back away. Human relationships are so peculiar, difficult and unpredictable. Or maybe it's just me. At this state, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me. Haha. 

I need a conclusion.

I Gotta Step Outside These Walls

I cling to the days of the past; memories, vignettes, snippets of emotions. 

A tug of war between focussing on the present and revelling in what has passed.

It's time to make new memories, because the same old stories are starting to bore me.

No matter how many times I look back on it, I see the same girl. 

Same, because I can't pinpoint the exact moment I started building walls around myself. 

Feels like it's always been like this. Thing is, I can't remember why.

Random Old Pictures I Dug Up

Museum of Flight(Boeing), Seattle, USA.

 

If my hair was clean cut short, I'd pass of as a dude.

Those were the days I thought huge shirts and cargo pants were cool.

Madame Tussauds, Las Vegas, USA

I met Shaq and I'm a hobbit next to him. 

It's Jordan yo! Coolest ever.

Doing my cheesiest Dial 1800-VOTE-FOR-VAL-1.

I miss family holidays. 

When The Stars Go Blue

(insert expletive in every language) 

It can only mean one thing: 

STARS.

This totally kills my interest in learning. 

It's The Good Advice, You Just Can't Take.

Stuck in a rut, and it's not a nice feeling. Nice, what does that word really ever mean anyway? Idleness makes me feel so contemplative, it's almost always turns into a full blown emo-fest. I can't ever see anything as it is, in a vacuum, without the strings of comparisons to the "others". Expectations, they just keep getting bigger, don't they? It's frustrating when achievements, once big, become nothing but mere expectations. No sense of credit being awarded to you, because it's the minimum you were expected to do anyway. The bar just gets higher and higher and you forget what you were reaching for in the first place. Messed up, so messed up when it shouldn't be. It's all in the mind and I guess, I have one messed up sense of confidence, of self, of expectations, of what life should be. I wish I can see myself the way others see me. Maybe I'm better, through those lenses but the mind does not work that way. It filters, it distorts, it presents thoughts in ways you want it to be presented to you. And because I have problems trusting myself, others, a higher being called God, I can't help but have numerous moments of self doubt, of plummeting confidence, of self pitying/wallowing talk that does nobody good. I don't talk about such things because the next day, I'll read back this entry, rebuke myself for being such a loser, dismiss the issue, put on a smile and "be myself" again. Whatever that means. But the fact is, this is nothing new. I've had the same issues raging in my mind since I turned 13. Every year, I convince myself that it's just a phase. And every year, my confidence does grow but whenever that happens, these ugly unresolved teenage insecurities rear its taunting heads, mocking my failed attempts. Cliche. I hate myself for using cliches. For living these cliches. I need get over my many, many hang ups - known or unknown, real or imaginary. I'm sick and tired of going through the same thoughts. That's why I'm so frustrated. I feel stuck. Stranded on the same ground. And the conflicting thing is that I know I can change it, I just can't bring myself to. Maybe because I love bumming around too much. Maybe it's because I don't care, I'm apathetic and I'm perfectly fine in this comfortable status quo. Maybe because I'm scared once things start to change I won't be able to stick to it, pull through or even accept it. Maybe because I'm scared of losing things and people important to me or that these changes will include realizations that I was never that important to them in the first place. Tangina. I need a good slap in the face. 

I'll shut up now.

Pretend this post never happened. It's 1.27 a.m. and I'm rambling. Again.