Memo to the Peanut

To: The Peanut
From: Mommy

Did you have a nice Christmas Peanut? I bet Christmas in heaven is wonderful. We had a great Christmas, although I have to admit, I wanted you here to celebrate it with even though I know you had a wonderful Christmas with Jesus. But, it just wasn't the same without you. I hope and pray next Christmas will be with you in my arms.

Do you know what is feels like to love someone you've never even met? To think of someone all the time, every second of every day? To cry uncontrollably because that someone isn't here for you to hold? To want someone so bad you'd do anything? That's the way I feel about you Peanut. I love you so much. I know it's just a matter of time before you, me and daddy are together, but it's so hard to wait. I feel like there's a huge hole in my heart that needs to be filled and only you can fill it. I love you so much that I can't imagine loving anybody or anything more.

I love you more and more every day and I miss you. You're on my mind all the time....when I'm eating, driving, working...anything. I watched the first snow of the season come down and wished you were here to see it. I fell on Christmas and got bruised up pretty good and you know what my first thought was? I was so worried I had hurt our peanut....and you aren't even in my tummy yet. Crazy, huh? But, that's what I think about all the time...you. Some people would think I've lost it and would be relieved to know I'm seeing a therapist, but I know my friends who are waiting for their peanuts to come can say they feel the same way and their peanuts are on their minds all the time. When you're waiting to be a mommy or a daddy, you'll understand.

Your daddy and I love you so much. We talk about you all the time. You should see the twinkle in your daddy's eye when we talk about you. We both can't wait. We know it's in God's timing and He knows what's best. It's hard to be patient though sometimes, isn't it?

I hope I didn't use too big of words for you to understand. I'm sorry this was so long. I guess we know where you got your writing ability...we both know it certainly wasn't from daddy. :)

We love you peanut and are anxiously awaiting your arrival.

So much for triplets.....second post of the day

The ultrasound this morning showed the 2 eggs on my right at 35 and 25. The one on the left has shrunk to 17. So, sorry mom....no triplets....but could be twins. :) I'll still let you quit your job if that's the case. :)

So, the plan is to do the Ovridel tonight at 8:30 and then do an IUI tomorrow morning at 8:30 and then Sunday at 8:30.

Oh....the pharmacy called today and said the HCG arrived today.....gee thanks. At least we'll have it for next month. Wait a minute, there won't be a next month. :)

Thanks again for the wonderful support guys!

Christmas pictures

The four of us

The five grandchildren

The whole family together

Peyton giving Adelaide a kiss. Isn't that so cute? :)

Our Happy Birthday Jesus cake

I'll be updating later today with the ultrasound results and the plan. :)

U/S results

Just a quick update on the u/s. I'm very frustrated. Grrrr! Okay, so I had an ultrasound this morning and I have 3 good eggies! 1 at 30, 1 at 20 and another 1 at 19. That's good news. So, the plan was to do the trigger tonight at 8:30 and then do an IUI at 12/36 post trigger. Everything was working out great. Then, apparently the pharmacy is out of HCG and the 3 manufacturing places that have it are out. I'm just sooooo frustrated. Why couldn't they have HCG on hand???

They can get Ovridel which works kind of like the HCG but they can't get that until tomorrow morning. So, we're gonna do the u/s again tomorrow morning to make sure I'm not ovulating and then we'll do the Ovridel tomorrow night.

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise? I don't know....after all there are 3 good follies, can we say trips?? Maybe if I O on my own, I'll release one good egg....but I want as many chances as possible. Why can't one month go smoothly? It's ridiculous. The OPKs are frustrating me, too. Usually they get darker as O comes, but this month, it's been getting lighter and lighter. It seems my body just won't cooperate any more. :(

I want these things out of me! I've had burning and dull pain for the last week...I'm assuming because of the Clomid and I just want them out.

I love TTC....I love TTC....I love TTC....I love TTC

I'm a terrible aunt

I meant to blog this yesterday and it totally slipped my mind. :( Yesterday was Tyler's fifth birthday!! Happy birthday buddy!!! This picture is from his birthday last year. His birthday party is this Saturday, so I'll be sure to share pictures!!







I called him last night to talk to him and wish him a happy birthday. While I was talking to him, I heard a "plop". I asked him what that noise was to which he responded "That was my poopy. Peyton and I are going poopy and my poopy was so slippery that it just came right out". Kids are so cute. :)

On the TTC front, I had another u/s yesterday and it showed a follie at 29 and another at 17. I have another u/s this morning. My MW wants to wait until I have 2 at 20, but I think I talked her into doing the trigger no matter what today. I'm a little nervous about waiting too long....I don't know. I've been having burning and pain on both sides, so I kind of just want them out of there. I guess we'll see.

Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! I'll be sharing Christmas pictures real soon. :)

HSG

It went very well. :) I had quite a bit of cramping and then some bleeding afterwards, but for the most part, it was fine. Right after we were done, the tech said she's seen people pass out from it. Thanks for that info after the fact. :)

They said everything was clear. My right was more open than the left, but not bad and apparently it shouldn't be a problem and is fairly common? I don't know but they said not to worry about it so that made me feel better.

But, dang it, why isn't this working then??? In a way I was kind of hoping that they would find something wrong so we could fix it.....but I know, it's good there's nothing wrong. I don't think anything can make me real excited at this point. :)

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas!!! Thanks for all the encouragement and support!

I'm still here!!!

I know it's been awhile since I updated. I've been at training for work which is done now...woohoo!!! I'm not gonna miss that, but I'm gonna miss the donuts every morning. :)

Thanks so much to everyone for your wonderful comments. You helped me a lot. I've realized that TTC is definitely something we want to keep continuing to do as it is something that we can do together and I believe it's gotten us much closer these past couple years. I feel much better about the situation and knowing that we're doing the right thing.

I did find out that our insurance will cover IUIs and follicular u/s next year! I'm excited about that. I'm still waiting to find out about in vitro, so I'm waiting for a call regarding that. I don't mean to say this to brag and I hope others don't think that. I know I'm fortunate and very lucky we have the coverage we have as I don't know what we would do without it. I do believe there is a reason we have the coverage we do....I think God doesn't want us to give up and he knows how expensive things get with all of Mark's meds and stuff.

On the TTC front, my baseline u/s showed no cysts! :) I'm excited about that. Today will be my last day of Clomid. I'll be having my HSG on Monday and they'll be doing an u/s then to check as I seem to respond extremely well to Clomid so they want to make sure. I'm nervous about the HSG as I've heard some painful stories....but it's worth it to know that everything is clear and/or there's a problem. Thanks to everyone for your wisdom and sharing so much with that. :)

I hope everyone has a great Christmas! You know how I'll be spending my Christmas Eve. :) Santa better be real good to me this year. :)

No heart attack for Mark :)

Mark was still having the chest pain yesterday so I brought him in. They were worried about a heart attack. They ran a bunch of tests and everything came back fine. They can't 100% rule out a cardiac issue, but he didn't have a heart attack which is good. They said we could do a stress test and an angiogram, but we know the stress test hasn't been real thorough in the past and the angiogram last showed that his blockages were so bad he needed a transplant, so in our minds, why go through that for that news again?

I did seriously think about stopping TTC for awhile and just concentrate on Mark. I didn't tell Mark that because I knew he would convince me not to. I talked to my therapist last night who really helped calm some of my issues. She said that TTC is something Mark and I can do together which I never really thought about. With Mark being sick, we haven't been able to do a whole lot together as a couple and this is something we do together. Mark goes to every IUI no matter how he's feeling, etc. Plus on my bad days when all I want to do is sleep, that's something we do together too. :) So, that made my decision for me. Plus, I think TTC is giving Mark an extra little boost in life.

We are going to try this month and then take a break for a month, maybe 2. Emotionally, I feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I'm exhausted. My therapist and I did decide that if I make it to #10 with a BFN, we're gonna get a big chocolate cake and eat the whole thing in between our tears. It sounds so good that I just know that BFP will be coming now. :)

Today I have my baseline ultrasound and labs and will be starting Clomid 100 mg today.

And I gotta go to training for work....yuck! Anyone wanna trade days?

I need more rocks and eggs

It's been a frustrating couple days. Let's start out at Thursday when I got the news that I indeed was not pregnant.

Thursday afternoon: My MW asks me about my insurance coverage for next year as it's possible the IUIs may run into January and we need to know the coverage. I e-mailed HR about it, telling them I need to know. Basically, they were pretty rude about it, stating they had already told me and what else did I need? I told them they quoted me from the insurance book we have now, not the one we will be getting. So they said it'll "probably" be the same coverage. I told them "probably" wasn't good enough and that I needed to know. Back and forth we went. Finally they said to call the insurance and see. I told them I needed a group number, otherwise, they'd laugh in my face. Duh! So, after searching for an hour, they finally found it. I called the insurance who put me on hold for 15 min only to tell me that they hadn't received what the group wanted for coverage so they couldn't tell me what was covered until they got that so I needed to contact our HR representative....you can imagine how well I took that. After 3 hours of going back and forth, I still know nothing.

Then, my dog was limping really bad. He had Lyme disease 3 months ago, so we thought it was a flare-up of that and brought him in. The vet thought he might have a tumor and did x-rays. That was what I needed and sat there and cried in the vet's office. They ended up not finding a tumor but thought it might be too early. They found Lyme disease and lots of arthritis, so our dog is on 2 different antibiotics. We left the vet's office $140 poorer than we came in, but Eddie's worth it. Plus with his phemigus, they decided steroids would be too hard on him, so he was put on vitamin E instead and looks like he will be on that for the rest of his life. Poor dog. He's doing better now, though, so that's good. I have to get more antibiotics for him, though, which will cost another $30. Why can't pets be on our health insurance? They're a part of the family too.

Friday morning: This was actually fun and I enjoyed it. I had off work and the kids came over and we baked cookies. Here are some pictures:


Peyton giving Mark a kiss....so cute. :)

My mom and Tyler making cookies

Peyton and Tyler

Tyler and I.....you're not baking unless you have flour on your cheeks. :)

My mom and Tyler made a gingerbread house....so cute. :)

They stayed until about 1:30. Then I crashed. I slept until 4....I don't know why. I think I'm depressed. As much fun as the kids were, I'm taking this one really hard. Take into effect that AF still hadn't come, it was tearing me apart. AF was due Thursday. I went to bed at 8:30 that night. I thought I'd probably have trouble sleeping because I slept so much that afternoon, but nope, fell right to sleep. :(

Saturday: That morning I woke up at 6:30 which is actually late for me (I'm an early riser). I ate and Mark had his pills and ate, too. Then, at 8, I went back to bed and slept until 11:30. I don't know what's wrong with me. Do you guys think I'm depressed? I thought for sure AF would be here by now, but she still hasn't showed. Anyway, after lunch, Mark told me he was having some muscle aches in his right shoulder. I could tell he was having discomfort all afternoon. Finally, about 4, he told me he wasn't sure if it was muscle pain as it was starting to feel like the pain he had when he had his heart attack 4 years ago. He took a nitro and the pain was gone immediately....which is good....but scary, too. We then had a really long talk. Mark's really concerned that his heart is getting worse and that it's gonna be a rough year. He wanted me to be prepared for that. He's worried he's gonna have another heart attack. That scared the crap out of me. All night, he couldn't get enough of me. He was hugging me, telling me how much he loves me, telling me how important I was to him, etc. He held onto me soooo tight. He told me he couldn't live without me and I told him he didn't have to and that I was there until the end. I told him he wasn't going anywhere and that I wasn't going to let him go without a fight. He said that was the best thing he's ever heard from me.

I'm really scared. I'm scared to death of losing him. The way he was talking, it was like he knew something or felt he needed to tell me these things. All I want is to be able to give him his baby before something happens. I believe that's what he is holding onto right now. Why can't I just give him one?

I still haven't gotten AF. I started spotting late last night which I do before AF comes full force, but nothing this morning, not even a little tiny spot. I need her to come today because otherwise I won't be able to do the baseline u/s on CD3 as I'll be at training for work for 3 days. I did figure out that if AF comes today, we will probably be timed to do an IUI on the 25th....Christmas Day...yeah, like that's gonna happen.

I feel like I can't win.

I need a dozen cartons of eggs and even more rocks. Sorry this was so long. I feel better after writing it though.

Why?

Do you know how many times I've asked that question? I don't understand it. I don't get why wonderful people have so much trouble becoming pregnant. There are teenagers who don't want their babies and kill them and hide them and then there are people like me who want a baby so bad it physically hurts. Why?

I feel horrible for Michelle. She's tried 9 times and is now onto IVF. Her husband serves in the military and was in Iraq. With all they've done for our country and how much they want to be parents, why can't they? It makes me mad. I know deep down there's a reason. I know God doesn't want his children to suffer, but why do we?

Last night, I was physically ill because I was hurting so much. I just want to be happy and there's a huge hole in my heart that just can't be filled. And to see the look on my husband's face when I have to tell him it's negative....that's something no married person should have to go through. I believe in my heart I'm meant to be a mommy. My desire is too strong. I just don't understand why it's taking so long. I've always felt "second best". Mark was married before me, so I feel "second best" even though I know for a fact Mark doesn't feel that way. I've got two wonderful stepsons....but of course I'm not their "mother", so again "second best". I'm so close to my niece and nephew and I know they love me so much....but again, I'm their aunt and not their mother...again "second best". I want my own. I want to be a mommy so much I felt physically ill thinking about what I don't have. I know I have so many wonderful things in my life, but I'm still so unhappy. I know that's selfish. I know I'm very blessed....I just have a hole that needs to be filled.

Thank you SOOOO much for the support everyone. The responses have been so wonderful and it means so much to me. I wish I could thank each one personally and hug each person for all the support. God bless you all! This month was tough. You'd think after 8 tries, it would get easier, but it definitely gets harder and harder. I'm fully aware about the progesterone and how it can affect temps and cause symptoms....trust me, I've done all that research and read up on that so I know progesterone like I know the back of my hand. This month was different though. My temps didn't follow the normal pattern it does on progesterone and I had cramping and bloating at times that I never had had it and I had symptoms I didn't even know were symptoms. Granted some of them could definitely be related to the progesterone but I know some weren't.
I do believe that when you want something so bad, your body will play into it. I can sit here and tell myself for hours that I have a headache....and I will. I can tell myself I'm tired....and I will be. The mind is a tricky thing and I realize now that I'm not crazy....I just wanna be happy and be a mommy.

Thanks again for being here! (((HUGS)))

Official BFN....onto #9

Blood test came back less than 1.....I was never pregnant. I don't understand it at all. My MW thinks maybe I'm getting sick which is why my temp is up....who knows.
All I know is that I had symptoms I've never had and symptoms I didn't know could be related to pg. Am I going psycho? Do I want it so bad that my body tricks me into it? I'm so embarrassed that I'm like this.

BFN

**WARNING** This will be a negative post. I'm usually upbeat and positive, but I'm not in a very good mood today.

I was originally going to wait until Friday to test because I had the day off of work. Well, last night before I went to bed I prayed so hard to God that if I wasn't pregnant, please don't give me any false hope and let my temp go down. If I was pregnant, then let the temp stay the same and let me test. I know....you shouldn't put "boundaries" on prayers and God's will, but I felt strongly that God would lead me. This morning my temp went up 0.3 to 99.02. (Check out the link from the previous post). That's the highest it's ever been at this point in my cycle. I thought for sure I was pregnant and tested with both an Answer and a digital, both BFN. I'll be requesting a blood test today to confirm before I stop the progesterone.

I don't understand. Am I a psycho? I had symptoms this cycle I've never had before. Granted, I felt AF was on her way, but as many people have said, a lot of people think AF is on her way only to be surprised. Why am I having symptoms and high temps without being pregnant? I feel like I'm losing it. I feel so stupid and like such a retard for thinking that there is even a possibility. And to see the look on Mark's face when I told him this morning. I know he mostly feels bad for me, but I know he's really hurting. All I want to tell him is "Honey, you're gonna be a daddy". I feel like I'm letting everyone down.

This last cycle was very emotionally draining on me and I really don't know how I'm going to get through this next cycle with more extensive testing and stuff. This cycle I'll be doing injections so I have to learn how to do them and I really was hoping not to have to do that. Each cycle gets harder and harder and I hate it. We are now onto #9.

Why is this so hard? Why do I have the hope only to have it shattered so many times? What am I doing wrong? I'm a firm enough believer to know this is God's plan and that there is a reason. I just hate the false hope and just "knowing" you're pregnant only to see the words "Not Pregnant" on a digital and knowing you have another month to wait....and around Christmas at my favorite time of the year.....I just don't know how much more I can take.

Tomorrow I'll be baking cookies with Tyler and Peyton and my mom which I'm really looking forward to. That'll help me quite a bit. And I'm hoping my sister will let me borrow one for the night...hint, hint. :) I could sure use a warm Tyler or Peyton right now.

Thanks again for the wonderful support. Michelle, looks like I'm joining you in another round. Hopefully January will be our month sweetie! You deserve it!

TWW

I realize I haven't talked too much about this TWW. I know it's been driving my mom crazy, huh? :) I've been trying to focus more attention and energy on something else to keep my mind busy...as hard as that is. I should know by the end of this week if this cycle was a bust.

I've had different symptoms and I've been told my chart looks great (here's a link to my homepage: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/186e65), but how many times have I had the symptoms and a great chart only to have a BFN? Plus I'm on progesterone and had the trigger, so really I can't count on anything, you know?

The temps were driving me crazy the first week as they weren't going up, so we were going to have Mark write the temps down and I wasn't going to look at them. I want to keep temping to keep my BFP chart for my baby book. So, we bought a thermometer that would save the temp and it had bigger numbers so Mark could see it (Mark's vision is bad). He was going to write them done and I would chart it at the end of the cycle. Well, the first morning we tried it and he had trouble so I wrote down the temp. The second morning, he thought he could see it, so he wrote it down at the same time saying "9....8....point....2.....4". Kind of defeated the purpose. Anyway, we realized that we shouldn't switch thermometers halfway through a cycle, so we went back to the old one that doesn't save the temp. But, I think temping has been good for me. I think I would be going crazy not knowing.

Okay, that was a bunch of rumble you probably found boring. Sorry.


I'm pretty nervous as I'm pretty sure this cycle didn't work. I have been having AF-like symptoms for the past week or so. I know...it's not over until AF shows, but I'm nervous. Okay, enough talk about that....it's making me too freaked. :) I probably won't talk about it until I know for sure.

Hope you are all having a good week!

My TV shows are pissing me off

Okay, I'm a reality show freak.....but they're pissing me off.

Deal Or No Deal: Seriously, I gotta stop watching this one. Mark thinks watching me watch that show is the best thing. I scream and yell so loud at those stupid people. I mean when you have 2 cases, one holding $1000 and the other holding $200,000 and you're offered $110,000 which will clearly change your life....why take the chance? People can be so greedy.

Survivor: Okay, so I'm not a real big fan of the remaining 5 too much. I do like Amanda and Courtney...but Eric was such a sweetheart and I was so disappointed when he got the boot. :( I really wanted him to win. I was thrilled when they got rid of James...no brainer there....but why keep Todd around? Hello!!

Amazing Race: I was soooo bummed when the brother/sister couple got the boot last night when there's that couple (I forget their names) who fights all the time and the girl was saying how she hated the game. Why do those type of people get to stay and the others who really want to keep going get the boot? I'm really pulling for TK and Rachel. They're so cute. I would love to do the Amazing Race....anyone game?

Do I watch too much TV? :)

Mark's appointment

Mark had an appointment with his nephrologist (kidney doctor) yesterday and it went great! I actually hardly ever get to say that those appts go great. :) The doctor said it was the best he had ever seen Mark and he was more talkative and animated than ever. The kidney looks great, heart issues are stable and he looks wonderful. Mark can now drop his monthly labs to every 6 weeks which is amazing and he only has to see his nephrologist every 6 months rather than every 3 months. This kind of good news never happens to Mark. :) The appt went so well that the doctor and Mark spent most of the time talking about cars....boring. :) My mom had driven us down with Tyler and Peyton and was worried because the appt was taking longer than it usually does. She couldn't believe it when I told her they were talking about cars. :)

On the drive home, Tyler asked me if Mark was going to die in 2 days. At first I started giving him the lecture about how it's not really appropriate to ask such questions. Then my mom pointed out that we could die anytime....very true. So, I told him that I could die tomorrow or he could die. Then he said "You can't die, you don't even have a baby yet".

Thanks for that reminder, kiddo. Gotta love kids.

I did get Tyler in trouble, though. Oops. :( I was showing him how if you put air into the left side of my cheek and poke it with his finger, the air "magically" goes to the right side of my cheek....with a little help from me. :) So, he's poking my cheek and laughing. My mom can see it out of the rearview mirror and starts yelling at Tyler about playing nice. I had to admit to her that it was my doing. She rolled her eyes and just smiled. I'm gonna be a "great" mom, huh?

And then at our house, we were cutting up cheese and we left the knife on the cutting board and were sitting around the table just talking. Pretty soon, Peyton comes up talking her baby talk and swinging the knife up in the air like she was waving it....oops. Another lecture from Mom. :) We had a good laugh about how she was going to talk to our doctors about prehaps not helping us anymore. :)

Ya think this is why we're now on #8?

Pictures :)

This was from our first snowfall. Keep in mind we had nothing before this came.

K&B inspired me to post our "wish" ornament. :)

Mark wanted me to post this ornament for Nick. It's a gas pump. :)

Not much else is going on here. We lead such boring lives, don't we? I do have to share yet another Mark and Tammy incident. There are just so many, huh? I was working in my office and Mark had just eaten breakfast. He always comes in and gives me a kiss before going back to bed. Well, this morning he came in and let out one of his silent but deadly. Of course, I'm not happy and get mad at him for doing it in my office...like he couldn't do it anywhere else?? While I'm chewing him out he says "I'm sorry, but all I wanted to do is come in here and give you a kiss before I go lay down. What's wrong with that? Please don't be mad at me. All I ever did was love you". Then the puppy eyes and mouth droop. How can you not forgive him?

On the TTC front, not too much new to report. My temps haven't been very good and I'm a little concerned so I'm going to talk to my midwife today about possibly doing some labs. We had a plan that I wasn't going to look at the temps and Mark was going to write them down, but he had a hard time seeing the numbers and when he thought he could, he would say the numbers as he was writing them down in front of me...yeah, defeating the purpose....so that didn't work. Last night we were talking and I asked him if he remembered what my temp was that morning. He said "Wasn't it 124?". I thought he was joking and looked at him....he was serious. Then he said "oh yeah, 98 is normal, isn't it?" Ah, yeah, honey. We had a good chuckle. I told him it was going on the blog and he said "At least I'm good for a few laughs". He's a good sport. :)

Question for you guys: We did buy a new thermometer, one that we thought would be easier for Mark to read and would save the reading. Well, this morning I took it with that thermometer and it was 98.12 and I was crushed. Then, for "fun" I used my old thermometer and it read 98.42. I took it again with the other one...98.07...and then with my old thermometer again and it was 98.47. Why would there be such a discrepancy? I don't understand. Should I take the new one back? I don't get it.

Hope you are all having a wonderful day!!

Tuesday ramblings

I hope everyone had a fantastic weekend! We had a snowstorm! Woohoo!! The first real snow of the season! My parents own a store on their land and have an open house the first weekend in December every year so we were busy with that this weekend. It wasn't as busy as other years because of the weather, but we still had lots of fun. If ya wanna check out their website, here it is: www.leaningpinefarmtoys.com How's that for free advertising, Mom? :)

Here are a few pics from this weekend.



Tyler sliding. He loves the snow!

Peyton. All of us had matching sweatshirts on. The kids were so cute. :)

Adelaide with my mom. Adelaide wasn't too happy. :( But she's still so cute. :)

I need to vent a little here. We got a call from Mark's ex last night. Here's the scoop. She had called a couple weeks ago and talked to me. She asked if we had talked to the boys about what they wanted for Christmas. I told her we had and that we were done. She sounded surprised, but said that she was going to give us ideas. I told her we were done so we didn't need them. And that was it. So, she calls last night. I pick up the phone and she asks to talk to Mark. She tells him that Chad is really low on money and really would like a gift certificate to Cub Foods or some cash for his books at school or something. She said Chad would never ask so she was going to put the "bug in Mark's ear". Apparently his car needs some work and he got a speeding ticket....she paid for his speeding ticket as she felt sorry for him. Frustrating to me.....I don't feel sorry for him at all as it's his fault he got the speeding ticket. Does that make me horrible?

Anyway, I'm rambling....so sorry. I'm not happy at all that she called. She's gotten better, but a few years ago, she was complaining that we don't pay enough money for child support which is a bunch of crap. Mark's sister-in-law works for the county treasury office and has told us she gets paid the most out of everyone in the county. Anyway, I know Mark's ex called and talked to Mark to try to get him to "pay" more by giving him money for food and stuff for Christmas. Mark felt really bad....but then I reminded him that that is where the child support goes and that the money should go towards Chad's food and stuff and that we can give him whatever we want for Christmas and shouldn't have to go with what she wants us to do. She's done this before.....told us what to do and then gets him something really nice, making us look bad. Mark felt better, but he still feels bad. His ex knows how to play Mark so she asked to talk to him...she knows I won't budge. :)

Okay, sorry about that boring rambling...just needed to get it off my chest. I do feel better. :)

Now for some fun stuff! I had a dream I was pregnant last night! I had a little, tiny bump and I was 6 months along and I "felt" the baby for the first time. I obviously have no idea what it feels like, but man, it was sooooo cool in my dream that I can't even imagine what it would be like for real. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it....and it was just a dream. :) Sigh....I'm gonna be an emotional wreck when I'm pregnant.

I'd like to send out a HUGE hug to Michelle. She got a BFN and I'm crushed. I wanted this for her so bad so she didn't have to move onto IVF. She's been like a sister to me and I feel horrible about it. I'm so sorry, sweetie. :(

Hope you all have a great day!

It's our anniversary!!.....well, kinda

Me and my family

Mark and the boys.....gosh, they've grown (see the Christmas trees in the background?)

The new family

Just as a warning, this story may get really boring, so I'd understand if you didn't read it. :) But I love sharing it, so here it goes:

Mark and I got engaged the Friday after Thanksgiving 2000. At that time, Mark was feeling pretty good. We knew that his kidneys were failing and that he would need a transplant, but he was still working and still feeling pretty good. I had always wanted a Christmas wedding (because I'm such a Christmas freak :)), so not long after we got engaged, we set a date for December 1, 2001.


In February 2001, Mark started getting sick really fast. He could hardly get out of bed. He stopped working and went on disability. They didn't want to start dialysis and wait for the transplant because they thought it would be easier on his body. Well, in March, it started getting so bad that we made the decision to start dialysis. During this time, it was very stressful for me and hard. I was an emotional wreck.



At the end of March, I had gone out to eat with my parents just for fun and to get out of the house. Mark wasn't feeling good, so he stayed home. At the end of the meal, we had the usual fighting over the bill. For some reason, it really struck a nerve and I just started bawling...right there in the middle of the restaurant. My parents asked what was wrong and I honestly didn't know. At that point, my mom started crying and both my mom and dad started telling me about how worried they were about me and how I was going through so much. I was 24 at the time. At that point, I realized I was scared that Mark wasn't going to be healthy enough to get married in December, that he might not make it and that we didn't know when the transplant would be. Plus, financially I knew it was a problem for Mark because he only had his insurance.

My parents then asked why we were waiting until December. I didn't know....guess we were just waiting. My parents then suggested getting married as soon as possible when we knew Mark was "okay" and then financially, things would be less stressful during the year because Mark would have his insurance coverage and my coverage also. We thought it was a great idea and set a date for May 5, 2001. Both families were 100% behind us and thought it was great. I mentioned to our families that I was a little disappointed as I've always wanted a Christmas wedding, but as long as I was marrying Mark, any time would be okay. They immediately said they were going to give me a Christmas wedding....who cared if it was in May? Our families worked soooo hard for us and I still get tears in my eyes thinking how much they did for us to put a Christmas wedding together in 6 weeks.

What's interesting is that I had talked to my pastor in the church where I grew up in about our plans. He was not for it. He said we were getting married for the wrong reasons. He agreed to meet with us for counseling but said Mark had a lot of baggage we had to work through (he's been divorced). That upset me....what happened to not judging people? So, we found another pastor. To be honest, I'm glad now we went somewhere different as my sister got married in our church and she was telling me about the marriage counseling they had to have. They talked about the sex positions that were "right" and those that are "wrong"....did you know that missionary position is the only "right" way??? I guess we're going to hell......anyone else??

Anyway, we found a pastor who would marry us who knew me from my childhood days. When I told him Mark had been divorced, he simply said that it says in the Bible that divorce is wrong, but everyone makes mistakes. I knew we had found the right one. Plus, we basically skipped right over the sex part of the counseling. :) That made Mark feel soooooo much better.

Anyway...wow...this is getting long. We had our Christmas wedding on May 5, 2001....but we still celebrate December 1 every year. So, we have "2" anniversaries. :) It's still warms my heart so much how much work everyone did. It was the perfect Christmas wedding. The pastor even dug out the Christmas decorations and decorated the church for Christmas.....right before he went out and mowed the lawn. :) There were candles in the windows and even though it was 4 in the afternoon in the middle of May, we still had a "candlight" ceremony. It was beautiful. There are some pictures that I hope you enjoy.

Okay, I'm wiping the tears now......did I lose anyone? Anyone who read that whole thing gets a big smooch! **SMOOCH**

My husband's a dork

Our IUI#2 was quite the experience with Mark. Seriously, he's such a dork....but he keeps me smiling and I love him for his sense of humor. It makes this process much easier to get through sometimes and I don't know what I'd do without him making me smile and laugh.

My midwife had come in before the IUI and we were discussing the plan for next month and other stuff. Then she leaves so I can strip down.
Mark: You know, you guys really should talk more about a man's "cycle" discussion.
Tammy: I know I'm going to regret asking, but what exactly do you mean?
Mark: Harley Davidson, motorcycles...you know, the "real" cycles......(he goes on and on about cycles, but at this point, I'm just concentrating on getting my pants off).

Then, after the IUI and I'm laying there letting those swimmers settle, there's a picture of a woman's uterus on the wall, so I'm trying to explain the process to him and stuff.
Mark: You know what this looks like, don't you?
Tammy: Again, I'm afraid to ask, but what does it look like?
Mark: Harley Davidson motorcycle handlebars. See, the tubes are the handlebars and see that big bump on the top? That looks like the gas gauge on the cycle.

Sigh....

Then, we were talking as I was a little nervous because the midwife had trouble getting the tubing in this time.
Tammy: What if it doesn't work because she had trouble?
Mark: Don't worry. This is just gravy on top of the cake anyway.
Tammy: What?
Mark: Well, yesterday morning worked so you're already knocked up.
Tammy: No, I mean, you eat gravy on top of cake?
Mark: I'll eat anything if I can get cake. **Mark has diabetes, so cake is a special treat**

Another sigh....

Then as we were leaving the clinic, it was about 20 degrees outside and very cold.
Mark: Hurry, run! We gotta get to the car.
Tammy: Why? Are you sick? Are you having chest pain? What's wrong? Are you okay? We can go right back to the clinic. Are you...
Mark: (interrupting). No, I'm fine. But we don't want those swimmers to freeze...we gotta hurry.

Men.

Okay, add that onto the fact that the other day while we were waiting for the trigger shot, Mark and I were arm wrestling in the waiting room and playing "hockey" on the table. I'm starting to think we're way too immature to bring a baby into this world. :)

Today's my niece, Adelaide's, first birthday!! Happy Birthday Adelaide!! We love you!!!

And happy anniversary to K&B!!!

Memo from the Peanut

To: Mommy and Daddy
From: Your little peanut

Hi mommy and daddy! I know you guys had a great Thanksgiving and had so much fun with Grandma and Grandpa and my aunt, uncles and cousins. We have such a wonderful family, don't we? I can't wait to meet everyone.

Mommy and daddy, I know you're very thankful for everything in your lives and you know how lucky you are. But, I can see, and I'm sure others can too, there's a sadness in your eyes and a missing part in your heart. I know your life feels incomplete without me there, but I'm in your hearts. I'm in every thought and dream. I know you guys talk about me and think about me all the time. It's a wonderful feeling to know I'm loved so much.

I saw you, mommy, as you were watching Tyler and Peyton looking at your Christmas tree and watching the train go around and around. Tyler sure loves that train and Peyton's eyes just glow at those lights. That train looks like so much fun. I could play with that all the time. You have a lot of neat Christmas decorations that I'm gonna have so much fun playing with. I know you won't want me to play with it, but you know I'm gonna. :)

I saw your sad face, mommy, as you were watching Tyler and Peyton. I know you were wishing it were me watching the tree and wondering if it was ever gonna happen. Some day, mommy. It'll happen and you'll look back at this moment and know I was worth it. Have fun with Tyler and Peyton and enjoy them. They're such special cousins and I can't wait to play with them.

I love the Precious Moments ornament you bought for me this year. It's beautiful. I know you think of me every time you look at it, wondering if next year I'll be with you guys. Whenever you miss me, look at the ornament. I'll be right there in your heart.

Our time together is getting closer! Every day is one day closer to our dreams. You guys have so much love for me and God and God wants you guys happy. He knows your desire and love for me and Him.

I know when I come, there's gonna be a big party. You have so many family and friends who love all of us, mommy and daddy. There's gonna be a lot of pictures, isn't there? Have you gotten those sunglasses yet? It's definitely a priority to get. They rank right up there with diapers.

I love you mommy and daddy with all my heart. I'm never far away. I'm always in your hearts, thoughts and dreams. I can't wait until God says it's time for me to come.

The appointment and a wild couple days

Hang on guys! You're in for a wild ride here. :) Things started out awful last night. We were going to be doing the trigger shot at 9 last night. They called at 6 saying there was no HCG and it was backordered. So, after calling several pharmacies in the area, the only one that had any was half an hour away, were closing, but the pharmacist could get it here at 7:45 in the morning. Our appt with the RE was at 9 and it's an hour drive. That was pushing it, but I said if it was there at that time, we could squeeze it in.

Fast forward to this morning. We wait until 8:10 with the nurses telling us it'll be here "any" minute...yeah, I heard that 20 min ago. So we left....no trigger...and we'll be late anyway. So, we're on the road. There's an accident. Traffic is backed up for miles. So, I call and I tell them we're going to be about 15 min late. They were soooo nice and said it was no problem. So, we finally get off the freeway and it's supposed to be right there. All we see are what we think are townhomes everywhere. So, we're lost....I call. Apparently the office is in one of them. Seriously....never would've found it. It was awful. I don't know how people find it. Anyway, we're 25 min late by the time we get there. I was so embarrassed. They were fine about it and so sweet, though, which helped so much.

Anyway, they did an u/s to check my eggie.....bigger from yesterday. So, they want me to do a trigger tonight and then do an IUI in the morning and another one Thursday morning which would be 12/36.....which I think is good timing.

And the plan for next month IF this month doesn't work:
1. HSG....yeah, looking forward to that. :(
2. Labs and u/s CD3.
3. Clomid increased to 100 mg because they don't feel my body is responding to 50 mg (huh?). Apparently they want 2 big bowling balls coming out of my uterus. Seriously though, they do want more than 1 and even though I've had 2 months where the eggie has grown so much, they still want to do 100 mg.
4. CD9 more labs to see if eggie is mature and u/s. And do Bravelle injections if eggie is not mature.
5. CD11 possibly more Bravelle is eggie is not mature.

I'm excited about the plan. I'm hoping I won't need it, but at least I know there's more people looking out for me. They were sooooo nice. It was so informal, too....just sitting in an office with a view of the river. Very homey.

And I can't leave with yet another funny Tammy and Mark adventure story. As some may know, Mark gets very car sick very easily from his stomach issues from diabetes. He has his own special "puke bucket" that is a necessity on a car trip. Anyway, right when we got to the office, he loses his cookies. We don't have time to clean it, so I tell him to just set the bucket outside of the car (I did not want that smell in the car for the whole way home) and we'd get it when we came out. Well, we came out and it was frozen. Mark tells me we can still get it out. So, I take the bucket to the grass, pound on the bottom and I'm trying desperately hard to get that puke out of the bucket. I look up....there are people standing there watching me and I look back...Mark's sitting in the car with a huge grin on his face. Thanks for the support, honey. I never did get the puke out and we had to wait for about half an hour for it to "thaw" so we could throw it out.

There is never a dull moment traveling with Mark and Tammy. :)

Big turn of events today

I had an u/s this morning and I have a big eggie at 28 mm! We're gonna do the trigger shot and do 2 IUIs. However, we figured out that it would run into my appt with the RE on Wednesday, so they're gonna move me up to tomorrow at 9...I hope they'll let me off work. I'm kind of freaking out right now.

I also found out that my insurance will most likely cover infertility next year, but probably not as good as this year....so I have to really pull out everything in the next month. Hopefully it won't be needed as I'll get my BFP this cycle. :)

Tammy's freaking....thought she'd have another day to relax and prepare, but nope! Things decide to go in fast motion.

Adventures of shopping with Tammy and Mark

This story may be too gross for some people, but it was so funny that I have to share.

We went out to eat at a restaurant that we had never been to. I won't say the name as it may give them bad pubicity even though we loved the food and the service. :)

Scene #1: We're in a store picking out some stocking stuffers for the boys as extra things.
Tammy: Mark, just so that you know, I just let out a silent but deadly.
Mark: Thanks for the warning. *Mark knows how bad those things are*.

All of a sudden, it hits us both. Mark starts coughing and can't stop.

Tammy: Mark, let's go...people are coming...we gotta get out of here.
Mark's still coughing up a storm and nodding at the same time and we start moving. Mark's coughing eases up.
Mark: It's following us....it's never gonna leave.
Tammy: Go faster, faster.....

And finally we get out of harm's way....whew!

Scene #2: In the car on the way home about 30 minutes after leaving the store.
Tammy: Ah, man, Mark, did you let one? *Mark isn't as considerate as me. He never gives me a warning*.
Mark: Yeah, I did. You can't smell it, can ya?
Tammy: Ah, yeah!

Then it hits Mark and it was bad....we roll down the windows, shooing the smell out the window. Finally, it's gone after what seems like ages.

Mark: Wow...that was a good one. *Sure, honey.*

Scene #3: In the car, about half a mile from the house.
Tammy: I did it again.
Mark: Thanks again for the warning.

Then, boom, it hits us both. It's bad. We're holding our breaths, Mark's plugging his nose. We get to the house and both open the doors as quick as possible.

We don't know if it was the restaurant or just coincidence. But it was quite the interesting afternoon. :)

On a TTC front, Wednesday we're going to see the RE. Does anyone have any advice as to what to ask, say, do? I haven't had an HSG done yet...I'm sure that'll be brought up, won't it? With our insurance coverage ending at the end of the year, I want to be sure to do everything I can to maximize the coverage and not miss anything.

Thanks again you guys!!

I think I've lost it

This cycle, it seems that I've lost it or I'm way too relaxed....knowing me it just can't be that I'm too relaxed. :) Usually I'm right on top of things, knowing what day I'm on, when I start with the OPKs and everything. One time I actually had someone ask me what day it was and I said "CD10....I mean Wednesday"....isn't that bad?

Anyway, I almost forgot to start my Clomid this month and Mark's had to remind me every night to take it...what's up with that? Yesterday morning, I panicked because I had forgotten all about the monitor testing and was relieved when the monitor said I was on CD8 (I start testing on CD9). Usually I know exactly what day I'm on. I've been forgetting to check the CP and CM. And I just realized now that tomorrow is CD10 when I start testing with OPKs....and there aren't any in the house. I have been temping, though. I think that's just habit now. I'll be 90, in a nursing home, and need my thermometer on my nightstand.....I might even die with a thermometer in my mouth. :)

Oh, and then yesterday, Mark was talking to his mom and she asked when the appointment with the specialist was and Mark told her next week. I said "No, it's in a couple weeks I think". Then thought about it and realized it's this coming Wednesday.

I think Tammy has officially lost it. This is so unlike me. I guess it's good that I'm relaxed....but is it good to be this relaxed? I'm starting to stress out that I'm gonna forget something very important. :(

Tootles! Have a great weekend! I'm off to do more shopping today...even though I'm officially done Christmas shopping.

Pictures!

SURPRISE!! More pictures!! :) I promised some pics of my house, so here they are!

Here is the Christmas tree.
This is my village on top of the TV.
Here are the boys and us just this last weekend in front of the tree. This was the first time we were all together since this last summer. Kids are soooo busy.
Tyler and Peyton hanging out at our house last night. We had our family over and played cards. This was so cute to see them sitting so good. They normally fight over the comfy chair. :)
This is my brother Aaron. I don't think I've ever showed a picture of him. He lives about 6 hours away from us, so we don't get to see him too much. He's single and lives in the Chicago area for all you single ladies! He's a sweetheart! :)

Thanks for all your comments on my post yesterday. I felt so much better after reading them. Thanks! Mark's still in so much pain. The poor guy. He couldn't sleep at all last night. I'm pretty worried about him, but I know there's nothing they can do unfortunately.

Tonight we get a Tyler night! I'm excited! My mom and dad were going to have both the kids overnight and then I complained. We started comparing who has had the most nights with the kids. My mom complained that she never gets Peyton and we just had her the other night....crap. :( And she said she hardly ever gets Tyler. So I asked her when she last had him. After a long pause, "Sigh.....last night". Bingo! We get Tyler!!! Woohoo!! It'll be fun.

I would like to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I'm truly sooooo grateful for all of you and I love you all like a family. This journey has brought me so close to people and I'm so grateful for that. I truly appreciate all of you. Thanks for all your support and love this past year. Here's to another year full of babies for all of us and next year for Thanksgiving, being thankful for our babies. :)

(((HUGS)))

Poor Mark

I'm feeling for my hubby right now. He's had a rough few days. His heels have been giving him a lot of trouble which is new for him. He thinks it's nerve pain, but he's been taking a bunch of pain meds and nothing is helping. He says it feels like they're broken. Poor guy. Of course, he doesn't wanna go in because there's nothing they can do which I can see....but I still worry. Even in so much pain, he still came with me to my MW (although he high-tailed out of there when the pelvic and breast exam came up :)) and he still went with me to see "Fred Clause"...which is an awesome Christmas movie! I highly recommend it! He's such a trooper.

And his ex-wife, Bambi, is giving him a headache (cool name, huh? :)). There's a court order that we're supposed to have the boys ever other weekend. We know that with them being 19 and 16...it's not easy and we understand that. Chad's 19, in college, and we're just fortunate that we're able to see him when we can. The frustrating part is this last weekend, we had made arrangements for Pete to spend the night Saturday night and then we were going to have supper with both boys that night. Pete hadn't spent the night in ages as he's working and it's hard...and we understand. According to Pete, he was excited and wanted to. Mark called Saturday to make arrangements with Bambi only to have Bambi say Pete didn't want to?? and that she'd talk to him to see when he "wanted" to come. It was very contradictory to what Pete had said. We understand they're busy and stuff which is fine and Mark has been very flexible as he doesn't want to force the boys into coming and hating being here. However, their mother doesn't help the situation at all which is hard. We wish she would try a little more. It seems if it doesn't work with her schedule, it's not gonna happen. This weekend, Mark was so disappointed and was saying how he could take her to court and she could get in so much trouble for not abiding by the court order. I felt bad for him. I've told Bambi soooo many times that I want the boys to spend as much time with their dad as possible because he's sick just in case something happens and then I don't want them to regret not spending more time with him. She's always said she agreed, but she sure doesn't make an effort.

Then Sunday when we were putting up the tree, I got so frustrated as it just wasn't going well. I said to Mark that I was so frustrated because I had to do it all by myself and I had to be the "man" here and I was so frustrated. Mark doesn't have the strength to help with a lot and his eyes are bad, so he can't help with directions or anything, so I'm usually on my own for a lot of things. I felt horrible that I said what I said. I know he took that hard. I know he can't help it and he certainly tries so I feel really bad about what I said. I hope he can forgive me. He said he understood and had no hard feelings....but I can't imagine how he wouldn't.

So, he's had a rough couple days and I'm feeling for him right now.

On a TTC front, I talked to my MW yesterday and we're going with the same plan as last month...totally going way out. I was nervous with the trouble with the Clomid last month that she wouldn't want to do it, but she was all for it and excited about it!! She's letting me set up the u/s for when I want them. She just gave me the order and said "here ya go...call me with the results....you know what you're doing". It was really cool. She's so awesome and so supportive of us. She almost started crying when I told her this month didn't work.

She also said that the fact I had sore nipples last month is a great sign. She said if I normally don't have them, it's a hormonal sign that something is trying to happen. Anyone ever heard of that? I don't know if it's true, but that sure gave me hope!! :)

Sorry about the rambling in this post....I just needed to get some stuff out. :) Thanks for listening. :)

Sunday ramblings

I know I sound like a broken record....but I wanted to say thanks again to everyone for all your support! It means the world to me! I was thinking this morning about this journey we've been on. Would I have chosen to go on this horrible journey? Absolutely not. Do I wish it would've happened on the first try? Absolutely. Would I give up the friends I've made on this journey? Absolutely not. Would I give up the close marriage Mark and I have formed because of this journey? Absolutely not. So, I've figured if I can either have A) A baby right away with no heartache....or B) heartache and a long journey for a baby BUT I meet awesome friends, have a wonderful marriage AND get a baby....well, no brainer for me. I'll take door B. I'm a strong believer in God and I believe there is a time and a reason for everything. I just need to have faith. So, thanks again everyone!!!

We had a Peyton night Friday night. It was sooooo much fun! I can't believe how much I love that girl! She's got such a personality. At 3:30 in the morning, I finally missed her so much and when she was crying just a little (I know if I would've just let her be, she would've fallen back asleep)....I took that opportunity and put her in bed with us and she fell asleep lying on me. It was so precious. I just watched her sleeping for awhile and just thought to myself if I love Peyton this much, how can I love another baby more? Is it possible I'll love my own that much? I also looked at her and thought if I had to go through all of this for her, I'd do it in a heartbeat and I'd do it 10,000 times more....my checking account may not be able to, but I could. :) It's amazing how precious children are.

Here are a few pictures from our Peyton night:

Mark and Peyton sharing some popcorn. She sure is an Uncle Mark girl. :)
Mark was always giving her kisses. :)
Me and Peyton
Peyton found some "candy". It's actually one of my fertility monitor test strips. Not to worry....I didn't let her chew on it long....just long enough to take the picture. I'm not that horrible of an aunt. :)

I decorated our house for Christmas. I needed some uplifting and it was fun. I know, it's a little early, but I needed something to keep me busy this weekend and after Peyton left, it was a little lonely....so up went the decorations! :) I'll take pics and share later.

Hope you all are having a great weekend!!

It's official...onto #8

She came....onto #8. I expected it, but there's another crying fest going on. Why doesn't this get easier? Thanks for the support guys.

Ding dong, the witch is late.....

Dang her. I was 100% expecting her yesterday. If you check out my chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/186e65 you can see my temp is waaaay down and I started getting watery CM a couple days ago which I usually get a day before AF comes. She's messing with my mind and I hate her for it.

Someone mentioned that maybe I was pg and it didn't stick because I was sick. Maybe....but I've also heard of women on birth control, being very sick with vomiting and stuff and getting pg because the birth control wasn't effective. So, I really don't think a cold would affect it, but I guess I'm not sure. What do you guys think?

I have the best support group, thanks you guys!! I'm so glad to have found you guys. I don't know what I would do without you all. It's so wonderful. I can't tell you guys all thanks enough! You guys truly understand and know just what to say. Thanks so much!!

I did what Cindy suggested. I took an egg, went outside, yelled at it for not fertilizing and then smashed it on the ground.....and it felt awesome!! I know....sounds weird and I'm still wondering if the neighbors heard and what they thought. But, man, it felt good. I have some wine left over from a party not too long ago and I told Mark as soon as AF comes, I'm gonna have to have some. He said that sounded good. Then he said "We'll have some wine while we're throwing rocks and eggs". Man, he knows how to throw a party.

Tonight we get a Peyton night. Mark's really, really looking forward to it. :) I am, too...but Mark just keeps talking about it. :) It's soooo cute. It'll be fun. I'm thinking we might decorate the house for X-mas this weekend. Mark's thinking it's a little early, but I think he knows how down I've been and knows I need something to cheer me up. So, we might do it....we'll see. :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend!! Thanks again for being here and all your support. It means more than you know. (((HUGS))))

BFN

I tested yesterday. With my big temp drop yesterday morning, I pretty much knew and was so down. Things were so different this month, though, with the sore nipples and the temps even with the progesterone.....very different and weird. A friend suggested I test because things were so different and then I would know for sure....and it was a BFN. I took it hard. I actually threw the test on the floor and then I did take it apart to make sure there was no line (I know that sounds crazy, but the TTC'ers out there know exactly how that goes). Then I took the rest of the day off. It was hard. I think because this month I felt SOOOO good about everything with the timing and the 40 mm egg (if it was viable). If that egg wasn't viable, then there was still a 23 mm egg there that those swimmers should've gotten. So, in my mind now, I feel it's never gonna happen. I'm still not handling this well and I don't think this one is going to be easy. :(

I know what some people are thinking....there's no AF yet, there's still hope. I know I'm only 13DPO and there are people who haven't gotten a BFP until later.....but sometimes you just know. The test is like 95% accurate, so I know that it's a small number of people who won't get the BFP and I'm not that lucky. I just know.

We do see a fertility specialist on November 28. I'm sure IVF will be brought up. Before Mark and I didn't want to do that. There were things we were uncomfortable with. But I've talked to other ladies who have been through it or are going through it (thanks you guys! You know who you are) and I realize that my feelings are normal and that it's okay. Mark and I talked about it again last night and we believe if it's IVF or no baby, we'll do the IVF. God will help us make some of those tough decisions I talked to the other ladies about. If we're meant to go this route, it'll happen. I have no idea where we'll get the money.....anyone have any fund-raising ideas?

Also, to those who have tried 8-10 times.....how do you keep the strength to keep going? What drives you? Each month is getting harder and harder for me and I don't know how I can do it anymore.

Oh, and thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes to my mom! You guys are so sweet! This is what my mom said:
You have a lot of thoughtful people that are on your board that you get to shareyour thoughts and concerns with!!! I'm glad you have so many friends!!

She also wanted to say special thanks to Meg. :) She really loved your comment. :)

Happy Birthday Mom!!!

Today is my mom's birthday! Happy Birthday Mom!!! I won't tell you how old...ahem, young....she is. :) I've decided to tell you a little bit of my mom in honor of her.

My mom is the best mom ever....really. Her kids come before anything else. There have been so many times when Mark's been in the hospital or been sick at home or something and she's dropped everything to be by our side. I've never hesitated to call her at 2 in the morning to cry, complain or whatever, and I know she's not going to care. When her kids are going through a tough time, she's going through it with you. And she'll do anything to try to make the situation better. Last year when we spent Christmas in the hospital, she dressed up as Santa and came into the hospital. I was going to post a picture, but didn't think Mom would appreciate that one. :) She's always trying to make her kids happy and it bothers her when they are going through a rough time.

My mom is always busy. She's always got a lot of projects to do and is always taking on more. She gives and gives until there's just no more giving which makes me so proud. She's really into quilting and has made so many wonderful things for us including a wall hanging with pictures of us on it....I'll have to post a picture of it later.

My mom is the most giving, kind-hearted, wonderful mom you'd ever meet. I'm so thankful to have her as a role model for my future child. If I'm half the mom she is, my child will be the lucky child in the world.

Mom, I love you! Thanks for always being there for me and loving me.

You Let Me Know You Love Me

You let me know you love me

In so many different ways.

You make me feel important

With encouragement and praise.

You're always there when I need you

To comfort and to care.

I know I'm in your thoughts;

Your love follows me everywhere.

Thank you for all you've done

And given so generously.

I love you, my wonderful mother;

You're a heaven-sent blessing to me.

By Joanna Fuchs

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!! I LOVE YOU!!

Thanks again!

Your support is so awesome you guys! Thanks again! You've helped me more than you know. I am sorry that I've been so down. I know there are others who have been through more than me and I feel very selfish for getting down. This road is so hard as you all know and sometimes it just SUCKS so bad!!! Thanks again!

I feel better today. I'm concentrating on the good things in my life and how lucky I am to have a great husband and family and support system. I know I'm very lucky. So, I'm concentrating on that right now. Like Cindy said, there will be plenty of disappointment later if it is a BFN and there really isn't a way to "prepare" yourself for it. Cindy, you're so smart! :)

So, I'm concentrating on being the "positive" Tammy I am. :) I'm trying! I'm listening to Christmas music today....I know, too early, but it makes me in a better mood, so I'm going to. :) I'm starting to feel better! I think that was part of my downer. Feeling ill doesn't help anything. I hardly ever get sick, so when I do, it seems to hit me hard....oh well. I've got my voice back! Good for Tammy, bad for Mark. I'm still hoarse, but at least I can talk. I slept most of the afternoon yesterday. I slept through the Packers/Vikings game, but the Vikings got their butts kicked so bad that it really didn't matter.

Thanks again you guys! I hope you're all having a great Monday! :( Mondays suck. :(

Love and hugs!

Another negative post

I have to apologize in advance. Like I've said, I'm normally a positive person and I try to be all the time. But, sometimes I get very negative and have to vent and this is the best place for me to do it. Not only does it help me, but it helps to hear from people who truly understand what I'm going through.

Take a look at my chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/186e65 This month is so messed up. I'm on progesterone and Clomid, both of which make temps rise and they are going down. I've been sick and I know that could mess up the temps. You'd think they would go higher, though. With everything affecting the temps, I know I probably shouldn't be temping, but I want my "BFP" chart to be in my baby book which is why I'm temping. So, I'm trying hard not to rely on temps, but as you all know, that's much harder said than done.

Right now, I'm totally feeling like this is a BFN and it's hard to accept it. Yes, I know it's early and you never know until AF shows....but to be honest, it's easier for me right now to think of it as a BFN than to get my hopes up and later get them dashed that much harder. Does that make any sense? I do still have a slight glimmer of hope as I need to as a "mother", but those BFNs are getting harder and harder to take and I find it easier to "prepare" myself. Maybe that makes me a worse "mother"....I don't know. I know I'll still keep hoping until AF shows, but as you all know, sometimes you just "know". I thought for sure this cycle had to be it. I started getting cramps yesterday, so I'm pretty sure AF is on her way.

I feel like I've done everything in the book and I'm so discouraged that nothing has worked yet. I've done ultrasounds, progesterone, Clomid, monitor, OPKs, trigger shots, temping, saliva strips, pineapple....everything. I feel like such a loser. Am I not meant to be a mom? Some days I feel like giving up, but I feel like then I would be giving up on my child and I don't want to be that kind of a mom.

I wanted so badly to be pregnant by Christmas and I just don't feel that's gonna happen now and it's breaking my heart. I was so sure that I would be pg by Christmas as I love Christmas and I thought for sure it was going to be the best Christmas ever. Now, I feel like it's gonna be the worst. Mark was in the hospital last Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we spent the holidays in the hospital.We didn't think it could get worse than that....now I guessing we were wrong about that. I know.....I'm jumping the gun. I guess I'm just typing out what I need to in hopes that it'll make me feel better. I do know others have been through more than me and have struggled more. How do you get through it? How do you keep the strength to keep going? I just wanna be a mom and something that seems so simple is so hard.

Again, I'm sorry for the negativity. I do feel better after typing this out on my blog. Thanks for listening.

And if this is a BFP, I'm going to feel so embarrassed and have a lot of apologizing to do.....

Pictures of sweet Adelaide

Here's Mark and Adelaide...and Mark didn't think she liked him.
Adelaide. I seriously don't think she smiled the whole time she was with us. :(
The three of us....she's smiling!!! Okay, mommy and daddy were taking the picture, so that was the only reason she was happy. The hardest part was trying to get Mark to smile at the same time Adelaide was. Do you think Mark could cooperate??? Sigh.....
Mark and Adelaide. "Ellen" was on TV at that time so that was more interesting to Adelaide than looking at her Aunt Tammy. Even Ellen rates before us. :(
Tammy and Adelaide.


Really, not too much to report today. I'm planning on resting today and watching a couple Christmas movies. I know.....waaaay too early, but I'm in the mood, so I figure why not? I love Christmas movies and it makes me happy and right now, I just wanna be happy and gitty (or is it giddy???) so I'm gonna do it. :) Mark started laughing when I told him I was going to watch Christmas movies and then when he saw I was serious he immediately stopped laughing and said "Sounds like a great idea". He's learning. :)


Oh, I did have a dream last night! I dreamt I peed on a digital and within a few seconds, it came up as "Pregnant". Then it said I need to "see below". It went onto say (this was a BIG digital :)) that it was "possible" I was pregnant and that there was some HCG and that I had a 50% chance of being pregnant. So, basically, nothing more than what I hardly knew before I tested. Sigh....I wonder what that dream meant. I read into dreams a lot, so I'm trying to figure this one out. Any clues? Maybe I'm just losing it again.

Meg, I hope you feel better soon girl! I know how it can really wear ya down! I've tried to go onto your blog, but every time, it shuts my internet down. I don't know why. It might be the video....but I'm bummed because I want to see the video. I don't know what's wrong. :( I just didn't want you to think I'm ignoring ya. I try every day just in case by some miracle it'll work.

Michell, I'm definitely thinking about you and hoping you're doing okay.

kittenroar5, I'm sooooo excited about your news with the IVF!! That is soooooo awesome!

And everybody else, I love ya all! Thanks so much for the wonderful support!!

Thanks!

Thanks so much you guys for your wonderful support and comments! It meant so much to me. I knew you guys would understand. It was kind of a rough day for Mark and I so the comments meant that much more.

We baby-sat our niece, Adelaide. They live a couple hours away, so we don't get to see her as much as we would like. We see Tyler and Peyton all the time, so we're very close to them. But, we're sad that we don't get to see Adelaide as much and be as close to her. Anyway, yesterday we baby-sat her. I had gone to the doctor and Mark watched her for an hour. I guess the whole time I was gone she was really upset, screaming, not happy at all. Mark was very discouraged, thinking he wasn't going to be able to handle a baby and I'm trying to encourage him, but it definitely wasn't working. Then, all afternoon she was not happy at all. No matter what we did, she wasn't happy. So, both of us are thinking we're going to make horrible parents and that our niece hates us and her parents are going to put a restraining order on us because we can't make her happy and we'll never see her. Of course, that's not all true, but when you can't comfort a baby, it's heartbreaking. We did find out later that yesterday was the first day ever she went a whole day without either one of her parents so that could've been a reason why. And, she's more of a "women" baby, so that was why she wasn't too fond of Mark and it was her naptime then, so she was just overly tired and wanted a woman. It made us feel a little better, but it's still heartbreaking to not be able to comfort your own niece. I'll post pics of our niece tomorrow.

And, I'm still sick. :( Man, this sucks. I don't even know what I can take if there is a chance I'm pregnant, so I haven't taken anything really. I did find some Halls Naturals and I went and asked the pharmacist in my squeaky voice if this was safe for pregnant woman to which she said jokingly "are you sure you need something?"....comedian. I thought I was on the mend, but my voice is worse, my throat is worse and I have the worst sinus headache ever. :( Okay, I just realized I sure complained a lot, but this is my blog and I can. :) Just wait until I'm pregnant. :) You'll be like "Great, another complaining session from Tammy today".

Thanks again for the support guys! It means the world!

8DPO and I already feel like I'm out

I know....too early to make any real assumptions. But, last night I had some eggwhite CM. I usually get watery/eggwhite CM a week or so before AF comes. So, I feel like this month is already a bust. I know it's early and I know it's not over until the witch shows. I try not to be negative...I'm usually a pretty positive person....but this is my blog and I can vent whatever I want and be as negative as I want. :) I cried when I saw the eggwhite. I just feel like it's already over and I don't understand it. We had perfect timing and even if that 40 mm egg wasn't viable, there was still a 23 mm egg behind it that would've released with the trigger. If this one doesn't work, I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I'm really worried about the depression I'm going to go through. Why is it that some couple get pg on their first or second try and then others have to go through so many cycles??? I'm sorry to be a downer. I'm just crushed right now.


Also, I have laryngitis. I can't talk at all. Mark is thrilled. :) I'm obviously less than thrilled. This cold is really starting to irritate me. :)

Sorry to be such a downer today. I'm just really down. I know it's still early, but as all you TTC'ers know, we know our bodies so well and really pay attention to it that sometimes you just "know".

My thermometer went psycho on me

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 2 and didn't feel good and I thought I was running a fever, so I checked it. Usually the thermometer will just go "Beep..beep..beep". This time, it went "Beep, beep,beep,beep,beep,beep" like really, really fast. It scared the crap out of me. My temp was 99.74. Would the thermometer had acted like that because it was higher than normal? I took my temp a couple hours later and it was 99.4 with just the normal beeps. I don't get it....but my thermometer definitely went psycho on me.



Thanks for all the get well wishes guys! I was finally able to sleep last night, so I think I'm on the mend. I hate being sick. Meg, I hope you don't get sick. :( It sucks. And Cindy, you can keep Mary. :) I don't want her here. :)

I just realized last night that we'll know for sure if I'm pregnant or not by Thanksgiving. Wouldn't it be awesome to tell everyone then? Of course, it could be the worst Thanksgiving ever....but we're focusing more on that it will be the best Thanksgiving ever. :)



Okay, putting that picture up makes me soooo hungry.

The CMA awards are tonight!! Woohoo!! I hope Martina McBride and Carrie Underwood get awards! I love Martina sooo much! She's so awesome! And Carrie's awesome, too! I can't wait to see them perform.

Have a great day guys!!! (((HUGS)))