My husband's a dork

Our IUI#2 was quite the experience with Mark. Seriously, he's such a dork....but he keeps me smiling and I love him for his sense of humor. It makes this process much easier to get through sometimes and I don't know what I'd do without him making me smile and laugh.

My midwife had come in before the IUI and we were discussing the plan for next month and other stuff. Then she leaves so I can strip down.
Mark: You know, you guys really should talk more about a man's "cycle" discussion.
Tammy: I know I'm going to regret asking, but what exactly do you mean?
Mark: Harley Davidson, motorcycles...you know, the "real" cycles......(he goes on and on about cycles, but at this point, I'm just concentrating on getting my pants off).

Then, after the IUI and I'm laying there letting those swimmers settle, there's a picture of a woman's uterus on the wall, so I'm trying to explain the process to him and stuff.
Mark: You know what this looks like, don't you?
Tammy: Again, I'm afraid to ask, but what does it look like?
Mark: Harley Davidson motorcycle handlebars. See, the tubes are the handlebars and see that big bump on the top? That looks like the gas gauge on the cycle.

Sigh....

Then, we were talking as I was a little nervous because the midwife had trouble getting the tubing in this time.
Tammy: What if it doesn't work because she had trouble?
Mark: Don't worry. This is just gravy on top of the cake anyway.
Tammy: What?
Mark: Well, yesterday morning worked so you're already knocked up.
Tammy: No, I mean, you eat gravy on top of cake?
Mark: I'll eat anything if I can get cake. **Mark has diabetes, so cake is a special treat**

Another sigh....

Then as we were leaving the clinic, it was about 20 degrees outside and very cold.
Mark: Hurry, run! We gotta get to the car.
Tammy: Why? Are you sick? Are you having chest pain? What's wrong? Are you okay? We can go right back to the clinic. Are you...
Mark: (interrupting). No, I'm fine. But we don't want those swimmers to freeze...we gotta hurry.

Men.

Okay, add that onto the fact that the other day while we were waiting for the trigger shot, Mark and I were arm wrestling in the waiting room and playing "hockey" on the table. I'm starting to think we're way too immature to bring a baby into this world. :)

Today's my niece, Adelaide's, first birthday!! Happy Birthday Adelaide!! We love you!!!

And happy anniversary to K&B!!!

Memo from the Peanut

To: Mommy and Daddy
From: Your little peanut

Hi mommy and daddy! I know you guys had a great Thanksgiving and had so much fun with Grandma and Grandpa and my aunt, uncles and cousins. We have such a wonderful family, don't we? I can't wait to meet everyone.

Mommy and daddy, I know you're very thankful for everything in your lives and you know how lucky you are. But, I can see, and I'm sure others can too, there's a sadness in your eyes and a missing part in your heart. I know your life feels incomplete without me there, but I'm in your hearts. I'm in every thought and dream. I know you guys talk about me and think about me all the time. It's a wonderful feeling to know I'm loved so much.

I saw you, mommy, as you were watching Tyler and Peyton looking at your Christmas tree and watching the train go around and around. Tyler sure loves that train and Peyton's eyes just glow at those lights. That train looks like so much fun. I could play with that all the time. You have a lot of neat Christmas decorations that I'm gonna have so much fun playing with. I know you won't want me to play with it, but you know I'm gonna. :)

I saw your sad face, mommy, as you were watching Tyler and Peyton. I know you were wishing it were me watching the tree and wondering if it was ever gonna happen. Some day, mommy. It'll happen and you'll look back at this moment and know I was worth it. Have fun with Tyler and Peyton and enjoy them. They're such special cousins and I can't wait to play with them.

I love the Precious Moments ornament you bought for me this year. It's beautiful. I know you think of me every time you look at it, wondering if next year I'll be with you guys. Whenever you miss me, look at the ornament. I'll be right there in your heart.

Our time together is getting closer! Every day is one day closer to our dreams. You guys have so much love for me and God and God wants you guys happy. He knows your desire and love for me and Him.

I know when I come, there's gonna be a big party. You have so many family and friends who love all of us, mommy and daddy. There's gonna be a lot of pictures, isn't there? Have you gotten those sunglasses yet? It's definitely a priority to get. They rank right up there with diapers.

I love you mommy and daddy with all my heart. I'm never far away. I'm always in your hearts, thoughts and dreams. I can't wait until God says it's time for me to come.

The appointment and a wild couple days

Hang on guys! You're in for a wild ride here. :) Things started out awful last night. We were going to be doing the trigger shot at 9 last night. They called at 6 saying there was no HCG and it was backordered. So, after calling several pharmacies in the area, the only one that had any was half an hour away, were closing, but the pharmacist could get it here at 7:45 in the morning. Our appt with the RE was at 9 and it's an hour drive. That was pushing it, but I said if it was there at that time, we could squeeze it in.

Fast forward to this morning. We wait until 8:10 with the nurses telling us it'll be here "any" minute...yeah, I heard that 20 min ago. So we left....no trigger...and we'll be late anyway. So, we're on the road. There's an accident. Traffic is backed up for miles. So, I call and I tell them we're going to be about 15 min late. They were soooo nice and said it was no problem. So, we finally get off the freeway and it's supposed to be right there. All we see are what we think are townhomes everywhere. So, we're lost....I call. Apparently the office is in one of them. Seriously....never would've found it. It was awful. I don't know how people find it. Anyway, we're 25 min late by the time we get there. I was so embarrassed. They were fine about it and so sweet, though, which helped so much.

Anyway, they did an u/s to check my eggie.....bigger from yesterday. So, they want me to do a trigger tonight and then do an IUI in the morning and another one Thursday morning which would be 12/36.....which I think is good timing.

And the plan for next month IF this month doesn't work:
1. HSG....yeah, looking forward to that. :(
2. Labs and u/s CD3.
3. Clomid increased to 100 mg because they don't feel my body is responding to 50 mg (huh?). Apparently they want 2 big bowling balls coming out of my uterus. Seriously though, they do want more than 1 and even though I've had 2 months where the eggie has grown so much, they still want to do 100 mg.
4. CD9 more labs to see if eggie is mature and u/s. And do Bravelle injections if eggie is not mature.
5. CD11 possibly more Bravelle is eggie is not mature.

I'm excited about the plan. I'm hoping I won't need it, but at least I know there's more people looking out for me. They were sooooo nice. It was so informal, too....just sitting in an office with a view of the river. Very homey.

And I can't leave with yet another funny Tammy and Mark adventure story. As some may know, Mark gets very car sick very easily from his stomach issues from diabetes. He has his own special "puke bucket" that is a necessity on a car trip. Anyway, right when we got to the office, he loses his cookies. We don't have time to clean it, so I tell him to just set the bucket outside of the car (I did not want that smell in the car for the whole way home) and we'd get it when we came out. Well, we came out and it was frozen. Mark tells me we can still get it out. So, I take the bucket to the grass, pound on the bottom and I'm trying desperately hard to get that puke out of the bucket. I look up....there are people standing there watching me and I look back...Mark's sitting in the car with a huge grin on his face. Thanks for the support, honey. I never did get the puke out and we had to wait for about half an hour for it to "thaw" so we could throw it out.

There is never a dull moment traveling with Mark and Tammy. :)

Big turn of events today

I had an u/s this morning and I have a big eggie at 28 mm! We're gonna do the trigger shot and do 2 IUIs. However, we figured out that it would run into my appt with the RE on Wednesday, so they're gonna move me up to tomorrow at 9...I hope they'll let me off work. I'm kind of freaking out right now.

I also found out that my insurance will most likely cover infertility next year, but probably not as good as this year....so I have to really pull out everything in the next month. Hopefully it won't be needed as I'll get my BFP this cycle. :)

Tammy's freaking....thought she'd have another day to relax and prepare, but nope! Things decide to go in fast motion.

Adventures of shopping with Tammy and Mark

This story may be too gross for some people, but it was so funny that I have to share.

We went out to eat at a restaurant that we had never been to. I won't say the name as it may give them bad pubicity even though we loved the food and the service. :)

Scene #1: We're in a store picking out some stocking stuffers for the boys as extra things.
Tammy: Mark, just so that you know, I just let out a silent but deadly.
Mark: Thanks for the warning. *Mark knows how bad those things are*.

All of a sudden, it hits us both. Mark starts coughing and can't stop.

Tammy: Mark, let's go...people are coming...we gotta get out of here.
Mark's still coughing up a storm and nodding at the same time and we start moving. Mark's coughing eases up.
Mark: It's following us....it's never gonna leave.
Tammy: Go faster, faster.....

And finally we get out of harm's way....whew!

Scene #2: In the car on the way home about 30 minutes after leaving the store.
Tammy: Ah, man, Mark, did you let one? *Mark isn't as considerate as me. He never gives me a warning*.
Mark: Yeah, I did. You can't smell it, can ya?
Tammy: Ah, yeah!

Then it hits Mark and it was bad....we roll down the windows, shooing the smell out the window. Finally, it's gone after what seems like ages.

Mark: Wow...that was a good one. *Sure, honey.*

Scene #3: In the car, about half a mile from the house.
Tammy: I did it again.
Mark: Thanks again for the warning.

Then, boom, it hits us both. It's bad. We're holding our breaths, Mark's plugging his nose. We get to the house and both open the doors as quick as possible.

We don't know if it was the restaurant or just coincidence. But it was quite the interesting afternoon. :)

On a TTC front, Wednesday we're going to see the RE. Does anyone have any advice as to what to ask, say, do? I haven't had an HSG done yet...I'm sure that'll be brought up, won't it? With our insurance coverage ending at the end of the year, I want to be sure to do everything I can to maximize the coverage and not miss anything.

Thanks again you guys!!

I think I've lost it

This cycle, it seems that I've lost it or I'm way too relaxed....knowing me it just can't be that I'm too relaxed. :) Usually I'm right on top of things, knowing what day I'm on, when I start with the OPKs and everything. One time I actually had someone ask me what day it was and I said "CD10....I mean Wednesday"....isn't that bad?

Anyway, I almost forgot to start my Clomid this month and Mark's had to remind me every night to take it...what's up with that? Yesterday morning, I panicked because I had forgotten all about the monitor testing and was relieved when the monitor said I was on CD8 (I start testing on CD9). Usually I know exactly what day I'm on. I've been forgetting to check the CP and CM. And I just realized now that tomorrow is CD10 when I start testing with OPKs....and there aren't any in the house. I have been temping, though. I think that's just habit now. I'll be 90, in a nursing home, and need my thermometer on my nightstand.....I might even die with a thermometer in my mouth. :)

Oh, and then yesterday, Mark was talking to his mom and she asked when the appointment with the specialist was and Mark told her next week. I said "No, it's in a couple weeks I think". Then thought about it and realized it's this coming Wednesday.

I think Tammy has officially lost it. This is so unlike me. I guess it's good that I'm relaxed....but is it good to be this relaxed? I'm starting to stress out that I'm gonna forget something very important. :(

Tootles! Have a great weekend! I'm off to do more shopping today...even though I'm officially done Christmas shopping.

Pictures!

SURPRISE!! More pictures!! :) I promised some pics of my house, so here they are!

Here is the Christmas tree.
This is my village on top of the TV.
Here are the boys and us just this last weekend in front of the tree. This was the first time we were all together since this last summer. Kids are soooo busy.
Tyler and Peyton hanging out at our house last night. We had our family over and played cards. This was so cute to see them sitting so good. They normally fight over the comfy chair. :)
This is my brother Aaron. I don't think I've ever showed a picture of him. He lives about 6 hours away from us, so we don't get to see him too much. He's single and lives in the Chicago area for all you single ladies! He's a sweetheart! :)

Thanks for all your comments on my post yesterday. I felt so much better after reading them. Thanks! Mark's still in so much pain. The poor guy. He couldn't sleep at all last night. I'm pretty worried about him, but I know there's nothing they can do unfortunately.

Tonight we get a Tyler night! I'm excited! My mom and dad were going to have both the kids overnight and then I complained. We started comparing who has had the most nights with the kids. My mom complained that she never gets Peyton and we just had her the other night....crap. :( And she said she hardly ever gets Tyler. So I asked her when she last had him. After a long pause, "Sigh.....last night". Bingo! We get Tyler!!! Woohoo!! It'll be fun.

I would like to say Happy Thanksgiving to everyone! I'm truly sooooo grateful for all of you and I love you all like a family. This journey has brought me so close to people and I'm so grateful for that. I truly appreciate all of you. Thanks for all your support and love this past year. Here's to another year full of babies for all of us and next year for Thanksgiving, being thankful for our babies. :)

(((HUGS)))

Poor Mark

I'm feeling for my hubby right now. He's had a rough few days. His heels have been giving him a lot of trouble which is new for him. He thinks it's nerve pain, but he's been taking a bunch of pain meds and nothing is helping. He says it feels like they're broken. Poor guy. Of course, he doesn't wanna go in because there's nothing they can do which I can see....but I still worry. Even in so much pain, he still came with me to my MW (although he high-tailed out of there when the pelvic and breast exam came up :)) and he still went with me to see "Fred Clause"...which is an awesome Christmas movie! I highly recommend it! He's such a trooper.

And his ex-wife, Bambi, is giving him a headache (cool name, huh? :)). There's a court order that we're supposed to have the boys ever other weekend. We know that with them being 19 and 16...it's not easy and we understand that. Chad's 19, in college, and we're just fortunate that we're able to see him when we can. The frustrating part is this last weekend, we had made arrangements for Pete to spend the night Saturday night and then we were going to have supper with both boys that night. Pete hadn't spent the night in ages as he's working and it's hard...and we understand. According to Pete, he was excited and wanted to. Mark called Saturday to make arrangements with Bambi only to have Bambi say Pete didn't want to?? and that she'd talk to him to see when he "wanted" to come. It was very contradictory to what Pete had said. We understand they're busy and stuff which is fine and Mark has been very flexible as he doesn't want to force the boys into coming and hating being here. However, their mother doesn't help the situation at all which is hard. We wish she would try a little more. It seems if it doesn't work with her schedule, it's not gonna happen. This weekend, Mark was so disappointed and was saying how he could take her to court and she could get in so much trouble for not abiding by the court order. I felt bad for him. I've told Bambi soooo many times that I want the boys to spend as much time with their dad as possible because he's sick just in case something happens and then I don't want them to regret not spending more time with him. She's always said she agreed, but she sure doesn't make an effort.

Then Sunday when we were putting up the tree, I got so frustrated as it just wasn't going well. I said to Mark that I was so frustrated because I had to do it all by myself and I had to be the "man" here and I was so frustrated. Mark doesn't have the strength to help with a lot and his eyes are bad, so he can't help with directions or anything, so I'm usually on my own for a lot of things. I felt horrible that I said what I said. I know he took that hard. I know he can't help it and he certainly tries so I feel really bad about what I said. I hope he can forgive me. He said he understood and had no hard feelings....but I can't imagine how he wouldn't.

So, he's had a rough couple days and I'm feeling for him right now.

On a TTC front, I talked to my MW yesterday and we're going with the same plan as last month...totally going way out. I was nervous with the trouble with the Clomid last month that she wouldn't want to do it, but she was all for it and excited about it!! She's letting me set up the u/s for when I want them. She just gave me the order and said "here ya go...call me with the results....you know what you're doing". It was really cool. She's so awesome and so supportive of us. She almost started crying when I told her this month didn't work.

She also said that the fact I had sore nipples last month is a great sign. She said if I normally don't have them, it's a hormonal sign that something is trying to happen. Anyone ever heard of that? I don't know if it's true, but that sure gave me hope!! :)

Sorry about the rambling in this post....I just needed to get some stuff out. :) Thanks for listening. :)

Sunday ramblings

I know I sound like a broken record....but I wanted to say thanks again to everyone for all your support! It means the world to me! I was thinking this morning about this journey we've been on. Would I have chosen to go on this horrible journey? Absolutely not. Do I wish it would've happened on the first try? Absolutely. Would I give up the friends I've made on this journey? Absolutely not. Would I give up the close marriage Mark and I have formed because of this journey? Absolutely not. So, I've figured if I can either have A) A baby right away with no heartache....or B) heartache and a long journey for a baby BUT I meet awesome friends, have a wonderful marriage AND get a baby....well, no brainer for me. I'll take door B. I'm a strong believer in God and I believe there is a time and a reason for everything. I just need to have faith. So, thanks again everyone!!!

We had a Peyton night Friday night. It was sooooo much fun! I can't believe how much I love that girl! She's got such a personality. At 3:30 in the morning, I finally missed her so much and when she was crying just a little (I know if I would've just let her be, she would've fallen back asleep)....I took that opportunity and put her in bed with us and she fell asleep lying on me. It was so precious. I just watched her sleeping for awhile and just thought to myself if I love Peyton this much, how can I love another baby more? Is it possible I'll love my own that much? I also looked at her and thought if I had to go through all of this for her, I'd do it in a heartbeat and I'd do it 10,000 times more....my checking account may not be able to, but I could. :) It's amazing how precious children are.

Here are a few pictures from our Peyton night:

Mark and Peyton sharing some popcorn. She sure is an Uncle Mark girl. :)
Mark was always giving her kisses. :)
Me and Peyton
Peyton found some "candy". It's actually one of my fertility monitor test strips. Not to worry....I didn't let her chew on it long....just long enough to take the picture. I'm not that horrible of an aunt. :)

I decorated our house for Christmas. I needed some uplifting and it was fun. I know, it's a little early, but I needed something to keep me busy this weekend and after Peyton left, it was a little lonely....so up went the decorations! :) I'll take pics and share later.

Hope you all are having a great weekend!!

It's official...onto #8

She came....onto #8. I expected it, but there's another crying fest going on. Why doesn't this get easier? Thanks for the support guys.

Ding dong, the witch is late.....

Dang her. I was 100% expecting her yesterday. If you check out my chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/186e65 you can see my temp is waaaay down and I started getting watery CM a couple days ago which I usually get a day before AF comes. She's messing with my mind and I hate her for it.

Someone mentioned that maybe I was pg and it didn't stick because I was sick. Maybe....but I've also heard of women on birth control, being very sick with vomiting and stuff and getting pg because the birth control wasn't effective. So, I really don't think a cold would affect it, but I guess I'm not sure. What do you guys think?

I have the best support group, thanks you guys!! I'm so glad to have found you guys. I don't know what I would do without you all. It's so wonderful. I can't tell you guys all thanks enough! You guys truly understand and know just what to say. Thanks so much!!

I did what Cindy suggested. I took an egg, went outside, yelled at it for not fertilizing and then smashed it on the ground.....and it felt awesome!! I know....sounds weird and I'm still wondering if the neighbors heard and what they thought. But, man, it felt good. I have some wine left over from a party not too long ago and I told Mark as soon as AF comes, I'm gonna have to have some. He said that sounded good. Then he said "We'll have some wine while we're throwing rocks and eggs". Man, he knows how to throw a party.

Tonight we get a Peyton night. Mark's really, really looking forward to it. :) I am, too...but Mark just keeps talking about it. :) It's soooo cute. It'll be fun. I'm thinking we might decorate the house for X-mas this weekend. Mark's thinking it's a little early, but I think he knows how down I've been and knows I need something to cheer me up. So, we might do it....we'll see. :)

Hope everyone has a great weekend!! Thanks again for being here and all your support. It means more than you know. (((HUGS))))

BFN

I tested yesterday. With my big temp drop yesterday morning, I pretty much knew and was so down. Things were so different this month, though, with the sore nipples and the temps even with the progesterone.....very different and weird. A friend suggested I test because things were so different and then I would know for sure....and it was a BFN. I took it hard. I actually threw the test on the floor and then I did take it apart to make sure there was no line (I know that sounds crazy, but the TTC'ers out there know exactly how that goes). Then I took the rest of the day off. It was hard. I think because this month I felt SOOOO good about everything with the timing and the 40 mm egg (if it was viable). If that egg wasn't viable, then there was still a 23 mm egg there that those swimmers should've gotten. So, in my mind now, I feel it's never gonna happen. I'm still not handling this well and I don't think this one is going to be easy. :(

I know what some people are thinking....there's no AF yet, there's still hope. I know I'm only 13DPO and there are people who haven't gotten a BFP until later.....but sometimes you just know. The test is like 95% accurate, so I know that it's a small number of people who won't get the BFP and I'm not that lucky. I just know.

We do see a fertility specialist on November 28. I'm sure IVF will be brought up. Before Mark and I didn't want to do that. There were things we were uncomfortable with. But I've talked to other ladies who have been through it or are going through it (thanks you guys! You know who you are) and I realize that my feelings are normal and that it's okay. Mark and I talked about it again last night and we believe if it's IVF or no baby, we'll do the IVF. God will help us make some of those tough decisions I talked to the other ladies about. If we're meant to go this route, it'll happen. I have no idea where we'll get the money.....anyone have any fund-raising ideas?

Also, to those who have tried 8-10 times.....how do you keep the strength to keep going? What drives you? Each month is getting harder and harder for me and I don't know how I can do it anymore.

Oh, and thanks to everyone for the birthday wishes to my mom! You guys are so sweet! This is what my mom said:
You have a lot of thoughtful people that are on your board that you get to shareyour thoughts and concerns with!!! I'm glad you have so many friends!!

She also wanted to say special thanks to Meg. :) She really loved your comment. :)

Happy Birthday Mom!!!

Today is my mom's birthday! Happy Birthday Mom!!! I won't tell you how old...ahem, young....she is. :) I've decided to tell you a little bit of my mom in honor of her.

My mom is the best mom ever....really. Her kids come before anything else. There have been so many times when Mark's been in the hospital or been sick at home or something and she's dropped everything to be by our side. I've never hesitated to call her at 2 in the morning to cry, complain or whatever, and I know she's not going to care. When her kids are going through a tough time, she's going through it with you. And she'll do anything to try to make the situation better. Last year when we spent Christmas in the hospital, she dressed up as Santa and came into the hospital. I was going to post a picture, but didn't think Mom would appreciate that one. :) She's always trying to make her kids happy and it bothers her when they are going through a rough time.

My mom is always busy. She's always got a lot of projects to do and is always taking on more. She gives and gives until there's just no more giving which makes me so proud. She's really into quilting and has made so many wonderful things for us including a wall hanging with pictures of us on it....I'll have to post a picture of it later.

My mom is the most giving, kind-hearted, wonderful mom you'd ever meet. I'm so thankful to have her as a role model for my future child. If I'm half the mom she is, my child will be the lucky child in the world.

Mom, I love you! Thanks for always being there for me and loving me.

You Let Me Know You Love Me

You let me know you love me

In so many different ways.

You make me feel important

With encouragement and praise.

You're always there when I need you

To comfort and to care.

I know I'm in your thoughts;

Your love follows me everywhere.

Thank you for all you've done

And given so generously.

I love you, my wonderful mother;

You're a heaven-sent blessing to me.

By Joanna Fuchs

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!! I LOVE YOU!!

Thanks again!

Your support is so awesome you guys! Thanks again! You've helped me more than you know. I am sorry that I've been so down. I know there are others who have been through more than me and I feel very selfish for getting down. This road is so hard as you all know and sometimes it just SUCKS so bad!!! Thanks again!

I feel better today. I'm concentrating on the good things in my life and how lucky I am to have a great husband and family and support system. I know I'm very lucky. So, I'm concentrating on that right now. Like Cindy said, there will be plenty of disappointment later if it is a BFN and there really isn't a way to "prepare" yourself for it. Cindy, you're so smart! :)

So, I'm concentrating on being the "positive" Tammy I am. :) I'm trying! I'm listening to Christmas music today....I know, too early, but it makes me in a better mood, so I'm going to. :) I'm starting to feel better! I think that was part of my downer. Feeling ill doesn't help anything. I hardly ever get sick, so when I do, it seems to hit me hard....oh well. I've got my voice back! Good for Tammy, bad for Mark. I'm still hoarse, but at least I can talk. I slept most of the afternoon yesterday. I slept through the Packers/Vikings game, but the Vikings got their butts kicked so bad that it really didn't matter.

Thanks again you guys! I hope you're all having a great Monday! :( Mondays suck. :(

Love and hugs!

Another negative post

I have to apologize in advance. Like I've said, I'm normally a positive person and I try to be all the time. But, sometimes I get very negative and have to vent and this is the best place for me to do it. Not only does it help me, but it helps to hear from people who truly understand what I'm going through.

Take a look at my chart: http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/186e65 This month is so messed up. I'm on progesterone and Clomid, both of which make temps rise and they are going down. I've been sick and I know that could mess up the temps. You'd think they would go higher, though. With everything affecting the temps, I know I probably shouldn't be temping, but I want my "BFP" chart to be in my baby book which is why I'm temping. So, I'm trying hard not to rely on temps, but as you all know, that's much harder said than done.

Right now, I'm totally feeling like this is a BFN and it's hard to accept it. Yes, I know it's early and you never know until AF shows....but to be honest, it's easier for me right now to think of it as a BFN than to get my hopes up and later get them dashed that much harder. Does that make any sense? I do still have a slight glimmer of hope as I need to as a "mother", but those BFNs are getting harder and harder to take and I find it easier to "prepare" myself. Maybe that makes me a worse "mother"....I don't know. I know I'll still keep hoping until AF shows, but as you all know, sometimes you just "know". I thought for sure this cycle had to be it. I started getting cramps yesterday, so I'm pretty sure AF is on her way.

I feel like I've done everything in the book and I'm so discouraged that nothing has worked yet. I've done ultrasounds, progesterone, Clomid, monitor, OPKs, trigger shots, temping, saliva strips, pineapple....everything. I feel like such a loser. Am I not meant to be a mom? Some days I feel like giving up, but I feel like then I would be giving up on my child and I don't want to be that kind of a mom.

I wanted so badly to be pregnant by Christmas and I just don't feel that's gonna happen now and it's breaking my heart. I was so sure that I would be pg by Christmas as I love Christmas and I thought for sure it was going to be the best Christmas ever. Now, I feel like it's gonna be the worst. Mark was in the hospital last Thanksgiving and Christmas, so we spent the holidays in the hospital.We didn't think it could get worse than that....now I guessing we were wrong about that. I know.....I'm jumping the gun. I guess I'm just typing out what I need to in hopes that it'll make me feel better. I do know others have been through more than me and have struggled more. How do you get through it? How do you keep the strength to keep going? I just wanna be a mom and something that seems so simple is so hard.

Again, I'm sorry for the negativity. I do feel better after typing this out on my blog. Thanks for listening.

And if this is a BFP, I'm going to feel so embarrassed and have a lot of apologizing to do.....

Pictures of sweet Adelaide

Here's Mark and Adelaide...and Mark didn't think she liked him.
Adelaide. I seriously don't think she smiled the whole time she was with us. :(
The three of us....she's smiling!!! Okay, mommy and daddy were taking the picture, so that was the only reason she was happy. The hardest part was trying to get Mark to smile at the same time Adelaide was. Do you think Mark could cooperate??? Sigh.....
Mark and Adelaide. "Ellen" was on TV at that time so that was more interesting to Adelaide than looking at her Aunt Tammy. Even Ellen rates before us. :(
Tammy and Adelaide.


Really, not too much to report today. I'm planning on resting today and watching a couple Christmas movies. I know.....waaaay too early, but I'm in the mood, so I figure why not? I love Christmas movies and it makes me happy and right now, I just wanna be happy and gitty (or is it giddy???) so I'm gonna do it. :) Mark started laughing when I told him I was going to watch Christmas movies and then when he saw I was serious he immediately stopped laughing and said "Sounds like a great idea". He's learning. :)


Oh, I did have a dream last night! I dreamt I peed on a digital and within a few seconds, it came up as "Pregnant". Then it said I need to "see below". It went onto say (this was a BIG digital :)) that it was "possible" I was pregnant and that there was some HCG and that I had a 50% chance of being pregnant. So, basically, nothing more than what I hardly knew before I tested. Sigh....I wonder what that dream meant. I read into dreams a lot, so I'm trying to figure this one out. Any clues? Maybe I'm just losing it again.

Meg, I hope you feel better soon girl! I know how it can really wear ya down! I've tried to go onto your blog, but every time, it shuts my internet down. I don't know why. It might be the video....but I'm bummed because I want to see the video. I don't know what's wrong. :( I just didn't want you to think I'm ignoring ya. I try every day just in case by some miracle it'll work.

Michell, I'm definitely thinking about you and hoping you're doing okay.

kittenroar5, I'm sooooo excited about your news with the IVF!! That is soooooo awesome!

And everybody else, I love ya all! Thanks so much for the wonderful support!!

Thanks!

Thanks so much you guys for your wonderful support and comments! It meant so much to me. I knew you guys would understand. It was kind of a rough day for Mark and I so the comments meant that much more.

We baby-sat our niece, Adelaide. They live a couple hours away, so we don't get to see her as much as we would like. We see Tyler and Peyton all the time, so we're very close to them. But, we're sad that we don't get to see Adelaide as much and be as close to her. Anyway, yesterday we baby-sat her. I had gone to the doctor and Mark watched her for an hour. I guess the whole time I was gone she was really upset, screaming, not happy at all. Mark was very discouraged, thinking he wasn't going to be able to handle a baby and I'm trying to encourage him, but it definitely wasn't working. Then, all afternoon she was not happy at all. No matter what we did, she wasn't happy. So, both of us are thinking we're going to make horrible parents and that our niece hates us and her parents are going to put a restraining order on us because we can't make her happy and we'll never see her. Of course, that's not all true, but when you can't comfort a baby, it's heartbreaking. We did find out later that yesterday was the first day ever she went a whole day without either one of her parents so that could've been a reason why. And, she's more of a "women" baby, so that was why she wasn't too fond of Mark and it was her naptime then, so she was just overly tired and wanted a woman. It made us feel a little better, but it's still heartbreaking to not be able to comfort your own niece. I'll post pics of our niece tomorrow.

And, I'm still sick. :( Man, this sucks. I don't even know what I can take if there is a chance I'm pregnant, so I haven't taken anything really. I did find some Halls Naturals and I went and asked the pharmacist in my squeaky voice if this was safe for pregnant woman to which she said jokingly "are you sure you need something?"....comedian. I thought I was on the mend, but my voice is worse, my throat is worse and I have the worst sinus headache ever. :( Okay, I just realized I sure complained a lot, but this is my blog and I can. :) Just wait until I'm pregnant. :) You'll be like "Great, another complaining session from Tammy today".

Thanks again for the support guys! It means the world!

8DPO and I already feel like I'm out

I know....too early to make any real assumptions. But, last night I had some eggwhite CM. I usually get watery/eggwhite CM a week or so before AF comes. So, I feel like this month is already a bust. I know it's early and I know it's not over until the witch shows. I try not to be negative...I'm usually a pretty positive person....but this is my blog and I can vent whatever I want and be as negative as I want. :) I cried when I saw the eggwhite. I just feel like it's already over and I don't understand it. We had perfect timing and even if that 40 mm egg wasn't viable, there was still a 23 mm egg behind it that would've released with the trigger. If this one doesn't work, I don't know how I'm going to handle it. I'm really worried about the depression I'm going to go through. Why is it that some couple get pg on their first or second try and then others have to go through so many cycles??? I'm sorry to be a downer. I'm just crushed right now.


Also, I have laryngitis. I can't talk at all. Mark is thrilled. :) I'm obviously less than thrilled. This cold is really starting to irritate me. :)

Sorry to be such a downer today. I'm just really down. I know it's still early, but as all you TTC'ers know, we know our bodies so well and really pay attention to it that sometimes you just "know".

My thermometer went psycho on me

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 2 and didn't feel good and I thought I was running a fever, so I checked it. Usually the thermometer will just go "Beep..beep..beep". This time, it went "Beep, beep,beep,beep,beep,beep" like really, really fast. It scared the crap out of me. My temp was 99.74. Would the thermometer had acted like that because it was higher than normal? I took my temp a couple hours later and it was 99.4 with just the normal beeps. I don't get it....but my thermometer definitely went psycho on me.



Thanks for all the get well wishes guys! I was finally able to sleep last night, so I think I'm on the mend. I hate being sick. Meg, I hope you don't get sick. :( It sucks. And Cindy, you can keep Mary. :) I don't want her here. :)

I just realized last night that we'll know for sure if I'm pregnant or not by Thanksgiving. Wouldn't it be awesome to tell everyone then? Of course, it could be the worst Thanksgiving ever....but we're focusing more on that it will be the best Thanksgiving ever. :)



Okay, putting that picture up makes me soooo hungry.

The CMA awards are tonight!! Woohoo!! I hope Martina McBride and Carrie Underwood get awards! I love Martina sooo much! She's so awesome! And Carrie's awesome, too! I can't wait to see them perform.

Have a great day guys!!! (((HUGS)))

I'm sick :(

Remember how Mark was sick not too long ago? Well, he was getting sicker and I brought him in. Turns out he had a virus that was possibly turning into early pneumonia. So, they put him on an antibiotic and 5 days later, he felt much better. I think it left him and went to me because now I feel like crap. I very seldom ever get sick, so when I do, it seems to hit me like a rock. Oh, well. At least it gives me something to think about other than the TWW. :) Have I mentioned that I hate the TWW??? Someone could hit me over the head with a hammer and I think it would feel better than the TWW....okay, maybe not as that would really hurt. But, man, the TWW SUCKS!!! And I'm only 6DPO!! Sigh.....

Otherwise, not much new to report. I had a Beauti Control Spa Escape party last night where I got lots of relaxation and it was so much fun! I love their products. But, Tyler and Peyton were in the basement with their dad and Mark....and it's a disaster area. I guess that's my punishment for "relaxing". Oh, well....it was worth it. :)

Hope everyone is doing good!! Send AF to Michelle! I'm getting so mad and frustrated at AF!!! Why won't she show up where she's wanted and shows up when she's not wanted???

I got crib sheets!!!

I know....kind of a weird title, but I'm soooo excited!!! Awhile ago, I told you guys that I love Precious Moments things. Jody had mentioned that K-mart had PM crib sheets and she was surprised because they normally don't carry them. Friday afternoon, Mark and I were Christmas shopping (yeah, that's right...and believe it or not, we're almost done!) and we saw a K-mart. I didn't think they'd have them, but I thought I'd check anyway. I found them!!! And a beautiful, soft PM blanket. I was so thrilled! I was screaming and hugging Mark. It was awesome! Here's a picture of them:

Otherwise we haven't been doing much. I'm trying to stay busy. Yesterday we rented 2 movies, "Evan Almighty" and "License to Wed". I had seen "License to Wed" in the theatre, but Mark hadn't so we rented it. Both movies are great!! I laughed so hard once again watching "License to Wed". That movie is awesome! My favorite quote is "It's healing time" and then Ben says "Wow! That didn't do anything at all.". I love it. :) Does anyone else have any good movie recommendations? I can't wait for "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry". I haven't seen that one and I really want to.

I read Michelle's blog this morning and it was so awesome! She really hit it on the nose. Thanks for sharing Michelle! It really made me think how much of an emotional journey this is and made me realize how lucky I am to have you all. Tracey said it best awhile ago when she said she thinks about her TTC friends every day. Just yesterday I was lighting a candle and I thought of Michelle and how much she loves candles and has to light a bunch before moving to Guam and I was wondering how that was going for her. :) This morning I woke up knowing Shari was doing her IUI today and I was excited for her! And I'm always wondering how Tracey and Meg's IVF is going, how onemorebaby is doing (I really miss ya girl!), praying for Cindy, Deena, Amy and Sharon and wondering how they're doing with all the heartache they're going through, Tanya with her twins, etc. I think about everyone all the time. You guys have become a family to me and I love you all! I couldn't ask for a better group of friends to share this journey with. Thanks you guys! (((HUGS)))

And on a closing note....I was soooo excited that I would be able to get an extra hour of sleep this morning with the Daylight Saving Time. But do you think I could sleep...no! I was up at the same time as I always am up. Granted, it gave me an hour more to do stuff....but man, sleep would've been nice.

Memo from the Peanut

To: Mommy and daddy
From: Your little peanut

Another month has gone by which means a month closer to me coming to you guys! I don't know if this is the month or not, mommy and daddy. God hasn't told me yet, but with each passing day, it gets closer and I can't wait mommy and daddy!!

I know this month started out rough for you, mommy, and I'm sorry. I can see how much you love me, mommy. I know you had to have 4 shots in the behind and I know it was really sore. Maybe if the nurse would've used the Scooby Doo Band-aids, it wouldn't have hurt so much. I've heard those Scooby Doo Band-aids make everything feel better.

And, daddy, I know you've been so sick. I saw you the morning you and mommy went to the hospital and you were having so much trouble breathing. Mommy told you you didn't have to go and you told her it was important and you wanted to go. Then, I saw you throwing up in the sink in the doctor's office. I know how important mommy and I are to you and how much you love us. Aren't we so lucky, mommy?

Mommy, I saw you take a picture of you and daddy in the doctor's office, and I have to side with daddy on this one. Not every situation needs to have a picture, but I know you're a big picture taker. I think I'm gonna need a pair of sunglasses when I come because I know there will be a lot of pictures and a lot of flashes. Make sure you put that on your list of things to buy for me mommy and daddy.

To be honest, I'm a little sad. I had to say goodbye to some of my friends up here. They went to be with their mommies. I know you're very happy, mommy, as their mommies are your friends and want their babies just as bad as you want me. But, I miss my friends. Can you tell them hi for me?

It's getting closer and closer mommy and daddy! I hope it's this month, but if it's not, we're even closer to the time I get to come home to you guys. I'll be sad and I know you will, too, mommy and daddy. But, we'll get there. We're already a family. You're already a mommy and daddy--you're just waiting for me to come. By the way, those lollipops Cindy offered me looked really good. I hope God says this is the month so I can have one. I won't tell you what Cindy said because you might not like it, but it sounds like so much fun!

I love you mommy and daddy. Thank you for loving me so much!

I'm officially in the TWW!

Thanks SOOOO much everyone for your wonderful support! I'm so overwhelmed by the comments and support I've gotten. It means a lot, so thanks so much!! (((HUGS)))

I got the trigger at 4 p.m. Tuesday. We did an IUI on Wednesday at 11 a.m. and will be doing one this morning at 8 a.m. I think it's going to be perfect timing! I think I had O pain yesterday afternoon. I never really have strong O pain, so I'm not sure, but I think it was. At about 3:30, I started having AF-like cramps. It was weird, almost "prickly" type and it hurt to press there. I was slightly nauseous too. I had little bouts of pain on both sides (dominant follie was on the right), so I couldn't really go by that. I had to take Tylenol and I never take Tylenol. Anyway, it lasted for a couple hours and then got better...maybe the Tylenol helped it. Okay, poll time! What do you guys think? O pain? Good timing? Tammy's losing her mind?

So I guess I'm officially in the TWW....great...this is the part that really SUCKS!!!


Here's a picture of my pee sticks this month. I know...I'm crazy...I keep my sticks. I like to take pictures of them so my kid will know how much I've gone through for them. :) I'll need it for ammunition when he/she is a teenager.

Awww, how sweet it is! Anyone who has a monitor, knows the excitement of that peak symbol! I love it!

Hope you guys all had a great Halloween! We only had about 50 kids this year. We usually have about 100, so we were disappointed. There was a 1-year-old dressed up as an M&M. It was adorable!!! I just wanted to squeeze her! Then we had a little boy dressed up like a Packer fall down our steps. :( I felt horrible. He only cried for a little bit and the mom said he was fine, but I felt awful.

Here are some pictures of Tyler and Peyton (my niece and nephew) who were sooooo cute!

Tyler.....he was too into his car to look at the camera.
Here he looked at the camera, but only with his car. We like to give the kids more than candy on Halloween....guess who picked out Tyler's gift? :) Tyler's first words when he saw the car was "Mark picked this out, didn't he?".
Peyton as a pumpkin. Isn't she adorable??? :)

Thanks again for all the wonderful support and comments! I love ya all!!