A God thing

I had gotten an e-mail Saturday morning from my “donor egg angel” whom has become like a sister to me and I love her so much. She talked about a new Christian CD by her favorite band and how much it really lifted her up. I had to work but knew I was going shopping later that afternoon so I was going to write the name of the CD down and get it when I was shopping.

In the meantime, one of my friends stopped by to let me know of some exciting news. She knows our whole infertility history and we’ve been friends since we were little kids. She didn’t want to tell me over the phone or at work and wanted to tell me in person. She has a 1-1/2-year-old and is now expecting her second child. I was there for her during her whole pregnancy of her first child. Ironically I was the one who helped with timing and borrowed her a book of mine of TTC with her first pregnancy to help conceive her first child after they had some problems.

Now I know my friend meant nothing wrong and just wanted to let me know and I’m glad she did. But, just imagine how this felt to an infertile who has been trying for 6 years coming from someone who knew this:

“I’m just so glad it worked on the first try rather than 8 months like last time—that was horrible!.....I’m already showing and I’m only 6 weeks, what if it’s twins? I can’t handle that!...I’m so stressed and worried!....Here I go on this 9-month roller coaster again……I can’t go through this without you and your support. I need you!....I need your prayers now more than ever as I’m so scared of miscarrying…..I’m happy but really worried about things like 2 kids, day care, etc……please pray for me”

I love my friend, but needless to say, Mark’s arms felt very good after that.

Anyway, after I got done with work, I was still feeling kind of down but we went shopping because we needed to get a few things. I forgot all about writing down the name of the CD. I had no clue what the name of the band was or the name of the CD. I had only read through the e-mail once and I couldn’t remember it for the life of me. I thought I would at least go look through and I thought maybe something would jump out at me, knowing the chances were so slim.

Sure enough, as I turned the corner and looked at the CDs, I instantly saw it and knew that was the CD. I don’t know how I did that other than God just pointed it to me and led me to it. I can’t explain it any other way. I just looked at the CD and I “knew”.

And when I listened to it, it definitely did lift me up. I did feel better and I needed that.

To R, thank you. Thank you for being there for me and for sending me the e-mail right when I needed it. God has always been there for us and I’m so blessed to have met you. I love you!

**update** Here is the name of the CD: It's called "You Deliver Me" by Selah

Let it snow!!

I kid you not....yesterday, I turned on my radio and heard "Let It Snow". Apparently it was in honor of yesterday being exactly 4 months until Christmas.

Never thought I'd say I heard my first Christmas song on August 25th.

I gotta tell ya a cute Tyler story.

I admit, I'm pretty tough on Tyler and Peyton. :( People say I'm a "pushover" but I think I'm pretty tough and sometimes I feel bad. I basically treat them like my own, though, and I'm not afraid to get after them if they've done wrong.

Anyway, at our house, I make him drink all his milk out of his cereal bowl when he has cereal here. I figure it's good for him and otherwise it's a waste of perfectly good milk. It's a pretty good fight when he's here and has to drink his milk. You'd think I was making him drink some liver juice or something.

I had just assumed that was the case at his case, that he had to drink the milk. Come to find out, that's not the case at his house....oops.

I talked to my sister the next time he came to our house. Apparently he had asked her to write a note to me so I wouldn't make him drink all his milk.

It's really cute and gives a little chuckle....but totally made me feel horrible! I felt so bad. I did give Tyler a big hug and asked him if he still liked coming to our house and he smiled and said he did. I feel like that horrible teacher that makes kids do bad things against their will. :)

But, it's still so cute and makes me smile. Apparently a note from Mommy can fix anything.

As a last thought, please keep Mark in your prayers this afternoon as we have a court hearing and I'm worried about Mark. Please pray he'll be okay (last time he had bad chest pain) and pray that the right decision will be made by the judge. Thanks!

Let's have some fun! :)

I saw this on Kelli's blog and thought it looked like fun! Here goes:

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me, especially for you!

The offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1- I make no guarantees that you will like what I make but I hope you will.

2- What I create will be just for you.

3- Apparently I have a year to get it to you, but hopefully it won't take that long!

4- You have no clue what it's going to be. It’s a surprise to both of us at this point.

The catch? You must re-post this on your blog and offer the same to the first 5 people who do the same on your blog.

So the first five people who comment, and are willing to pass it along, will get a handmade gift in the mail from me. When you get it, make sure you post a pic on your blog! Let's have some fun!

Questions answered from Kathryn

My dear friend, Kathyrn, asked a couple very good questions that I would like to answer:

Your intro post reminded me that I wanted to ask you... are you guys going to transfer all three at once? One and then later another? Two and save one?
This is a very good question and one we've thought about. My clinic told me when we did our IVF a year ago that they never transfer more than 2, so we know we won't be transferring more than 2. We'd like to transfer 2 and save 1 for later. I can assure you every single embryo will be given the chance of life and that is something Mark and I feel very strongly about.

The thing is I'm sure our doctor will want to "thaw" all 3 and take the best 2. We are definitely not for this option and I'll tell you why.

Mark and I consider these 3 embryos our babies, our adopted children. In our hearts, they are lives. So for us to pick the "best 2" isn't even an option. We would rather transfer 2 no matter how good they survive the thaw. I'm sure not all doctors agree with the "life" belief we share, but I can tell you that we will fight tooth and nail to have 2 thawed and 2 transferred no matter what. These are our babies and it's in God's hands if they continue to grow in my uterus or not....not up to the doctors.

Mark and I have talked about this and it's something we feel so strong about.

Am I too personal with my questions? Absolutely not! :) I'm completely an open book and I love to answer any questions you have. If anyone has any questions at all, please ask! I know donor embryos/eggs are not a common subject and not too knowledgable so if anyone has questions, please ask!

Thanks so very much Kathryn for asking and caring so much! It means a lot!!

August ICLW

Welcome ICLW! For those who don’t know what it is, check out the link on the right.

I can't believe another month has passed! Wow. Here is a short introduction with a little history of me and the reason I put this blog together, the wonderful world of infertility.

I married my hubby in May 2001. He has struggled with a lot of health issues. He’s a diabetic and has had 3 documented heart attacks. He’s had triple bypass surgery and a kidney transplant. Our struggles have only brought us closer together and God has gotten us through them. God is so good to us.

In July 2003, Mark was feeling better after his transplant and we decided to try for a baby. We tried the natural way for almost 3 years off and on as Mark continued to struggle with health issues and had to endure hospitalizations at times.

In March 2006, we saw our doctor about our infertility struggles. We started doing research about things and talking to more and more doctors. It seemed like it was a never-ending thing as all infertiles know.

In April 2007, we started IUIs. After 12 BFNs, we decided to go onto IVF. Although I responded great to the meds and had a great number of eggs retrieved, only 4 eggs fertilized but failed to divide. Although the genetic testing came back normal, we were told it was most likely an egg quality issue and we were told we would have to use donor eggs.

Since then we have tried to do a known donor cycle which didn’t work out because of the distance, a known adoption which didn’t work and a donor egg study which didn’t work. We have currently seen a psychologist and have been approved for the donor embryo waiting list at our clinic.

Our dear friend, Kami, and her husband have given us 3 embryos! When Kami has given birth to her precious twins, the embryos will be transferred to us and we can begin our journey once again! We are super excited!!

More details of our journey can be found on the right along with our IVF blog describing our IVF journey.

Thank you so much for coming to visit my blog! It means so much to me. I hope you continue to follow my journey and I hope to follow yours and get to know each other so much better. I wish you all the very best in your journey.

Feeling better

I definitely want to thank you all for all your support the last couple days. Thanks so much for understanding!

As I think all of you know, I am a Christian. I know not all of you share the same belief, while some do. I just wanted to give you a heads up that for the rest of this post, I will be talking a lot about God. You may choose to believe I have to say or not and you may choose to read it or not and that's okay! I know everyone has different feelings and beliefs and I love each one of you no matter what you believe! I will never turn my back on you!

I want to share what has helped me get through this as others commented they felt the same and maybe this will help.

As some may know, when you get sick with an illness, your "weakness" becomes your "strength". For example, I've struggled with depression for quite awhile, basically since Mark has been so sick, and it's become my weakness. When I get sick with the flu or something, I get really depressed also. Mark's weakness is his stomach issues. So when he catches a bug, sometimes even just a cold, his stomach acts up, which is why we spend so much time in the hospital.

Satan will also feed into your weakness when he's able to. He's always trying to bring you down when he can. I've recently read the book "Satan's Dirt.y Little Secret". It talks about 2 demons Satan uses: insecurity and inferiority. He will feed our weaknesses using these 2 demons. I would highly recommend this book.

One thing that bothers me is when people say Christians shouldn't be depressed. What have they got to be depressed about if they know the Lord? This really bothers me. Nobody chooses to be depressed. Nobody likes that feeling. It's something you can't control, especially when it's your weakness and when you're in a weakened state, Satan definitely feeds on that.

I admit, I get depressed. Most of the time, it's after I've been sick. Sometimes it's after getting bad news or having a tough time. I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm always able to get through it with God's help.

Yesterday, I talked to 2 wonderful Christian friends which helped tremendously. I also did a lot of praying. I prayed to God to help me fight the 2 demons Satan uses. I gave it to God. Mark also prayed with me. I can honestly say that when I went to God like Jill said (thanks sweetie!!) and gave it to Him, I felt better.

That's not to say I'm magically better. I still cry, but definitely not like a couple days ago. I can feel God's arms around me as I continue to struggle in my weakened state.

I'm still gonna struggle, still be sad, still question myself, but God is right here by my side and fighting with me.

And I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful, supportive husband. Mark has been so great. Just too amazing for words. I am so blessed.

I really hope this has helped someone. For those struggling, you are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks again everyone! I love you all!

I'll be back...

For some reason, I’ve hit a really low point. I can’t really explain it. For the last couple days, I’ve been really down and crying a lot. It might stem from the fact that someone brought up our IF troubles at church in front of some people when I wasn't prepared or the guilt I have for not going to my niece’s baby shower this weekend even though my SIL is being very supportive and understanding about it.

I don’t know. All I know is that I’m so down and someone who I thought could help wasn’t able to help me so I feel so helpless, hopeless and alone. That makes me feel more down.

Everything is going good in my life….Mark is feeling good and everything else is going fine. So, I have no reason to be depressed, which makes me feel even more down.

Mark feels bad, feels helpless and wants to help and he can’t and feels horrible about it. Of course, that makes me feel worse.

I can barely work, can barely function. I just feel so down and I don’t know why. And the worse I feel and the more it affects others, the worse I feel.

I feel so selfish, like I shouldn’t be feeling down when my life is going well. I just wish I knew how to shake it.

I haven't felt much like typing or checking other blogs, but I'll be back.

I'm off to see the wizard

Even though I'm not actively TTC right now, I still keep track of my cycles. I can pretty much pinpoint exactly what day I ovulate by my body signs and then I know AF will show her ugly face 2 weeks later, on the button. And about 90% of the time, I'm right.

Sure wish I could've had that much knowledge when I was TTC. Of course, we all know if I was actively TTC, all the above knowledge would be out the window because our bodies certainly don't want to make it easy on us.

Anyway, this month, I could tell my illness really affected my cycle. I ovulated on CD21 which is super late for me and I've never ovulated this late. But this time I know I ovulated as my ovary popped out the biggest bowling ball in history (ouch!) along with some spotting which never happens to me. And then my other body signs lined up, too.

I was thinking "Man, I could've been pregnant right now!"

If I only had......a good egg.
If I only had......some swimmers.
If we only had.....sex in the last couple days.

I told Mark this and started singing the "If I only had a brain" song from the Wizar.d of O.z movie, only changing the lyrics to fit our situation of "If I only had an egg".

I don't know why my husband thinks I'm a geek.

We've made it

One thing I’ve realized since I’ve been sick is just how wonderful my husband is….or I should say wondra-ful. That’s a joke we hear all the time. :)

Apparently I have a virus that mimics mono. All my blood work came back fine which is good, but sometimes you want a for sure answer. But at least it rules out some of the more serious illnesses.

Anyway, I’ve been sleeping a lot and not keeping up on the housework too much. Mark has been great in doing the dishes, laundry, cooking and cleaning, as much as he can.

Now I know some of you are sitting there thinking that’s what a husband should do when the wife can’t, no big deal. And others are sitting there thinking, where can I get me one of them?

What I’m really amazed about is how much Mark does when he doesn’t feel good himself. Even when I’m healthy and feeling good, Mark does quite a bit. It’s amazing to me. I know that everything he does, he does because he truly loves me. It takes so much effort for him to do the simplest, littlest things. Even cleaning the bathroom, he has to take lots of breaks because his back hurts. Bringing the laundry up the stairs is nearly impossible and he’s so short of breath by the time he gets up the stairs. And again, with the dishes, he has to take many little breaks because it hurts his back so much.

But it’s the little things that take so much effort that shows how much he really, really loves me.

I’m so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. I’m so lucky.

They say infertility can either make or break a couple. We’ve made it and become stronger because of it.

They say a major, life threatening illness can either make or break a couple. We’ve made it and become stronger because of it.

And, as those who are married to someone who has been married before with kids know, it’s a tough situation that can cause a lot of stress on a marriage. We’ve made it and become stronger because of it.

I feel we can face anything.

Why is it.....

Every time I’m sick that people automatically assume I’m pregnant?

For the last month, I’ve been sick off and on with nausea and fatigue with some body aches. I went into the doctor last Friday and when I registered, the clerk, who is a friend and knows what we’re going through, asked if I was okay. I told her I was feeling sick and her first response was an excited giggle and her whispering to me “did you test?”

Of course my heart drops and I said “No. It’s not possible.”

Her response? “Do you know how many people say it’s not possible and they end up pregnant? Everybody says that and then they are shocked.”

Feeling all eyes on me, I just shook my head and repeated “It’s not possible.”. Then I walked away with a huge lump in my throat.

I know she meant well, but it still upsets me, especially knowing that she knows everything.

This is one of the reasons that I don’t tell people when I’m sick, especially if it has anything to do with nausea, throwing up or being tired. Or even if I'm just really tired one day. It seems the first thing out of people’s mouths is “Oh! Are you pregnant?”. Then when you say no, it’s followed by “Are you sure?”, “That’s what they all say!”, “You never know!”, “You should test just to make sure, but remember, it might be too early!”, “It always happens when you least expect it!”

What I would love to respond with is “Well, considering my husband has no swimmers, I have scrambled eggs, we can’t get pregnant even through IVF and we haven’t had sex since I don’t remember when, if I was pregnant, we’d be on every talk show in America, more famous than Mich.ael Jack.son is right now and getting more endorsements than we could ever handle. I’d better give you my autograph before I start getting too busy for ya.”

Mark got baptized yesterday!

Yesterday Mark got baptized at a local Christian retreat center through our church! I am so proud! He had been thinking about it for awhile and yesterday was the day. :) Here are some pictures of his big day!


Adelaide. She came a couple hours away just to see her Uncle Mark get baptized.

Sam. He also came a couple hours away

Mark right before the big event, standing next to Ajay

Mark and Peter

Getting ready to be baptized

Walking out to the cold water

Mark and Pastor. Our pastor is a former pro wrestler. Kinda cool, huh? :)

Mark and Pastor

Getting ready to go under

Coming back up

The after shot

The family who was there to watch Mark's big day

Sam saying good-bye to Mark

Thank you so much!

Thank you guys so much from the bottom of my heart! Wow! You guys sure know how I feel and what I need. I so much needed friends and people to understand my feelings and you do. Thank you!

I know I've said this many times before, but I don't know what I would do without you. I love you guys!

(((HUGS)))

I have a confession

I'm afraid this post definitely won't make me any friends. But, I think you guys are the ones who can really understand and can make me feel better about how I feel.

As most of you can relate to, pregnancy blogs are sometimes hard for me to go to. I LOVE you guys and I wanna be there during your lives and sometimes those blogs give me an AMAZING amount of hope and strength to continue on. So, sometimes those blogs are a lifesaver (THANK YOU!), but I admit, sometimes they are hard.

And, especially lately, even the TTC blogs have been hard for me. I think it's because I'm not really there right now. I'm just kind of "stuck" and I don't want to be "stuck". I want to be trying, want to be temping and charting, doing shots, doing something.

I know that sounds very greedy, considering we have embryos waiting because of a special, dear friend and I don't want it to sound like I'm greedy because I'm not. I'm so grateful for Kami and Steve. I know without them, our dream would be even farther away.

I guess I'm just impatient to be a mom.

I feel like my blog is so boring lately. Heck, I've resorted to talking about Mark's pee!

But, lately, I've felt very guilty. Mainly because it seems some days it's harder for me to go to any blogs. Not that I don't completely and totally love you guys! It's just harder some days.

And I feel so guilty. So very guilty.

You guys are my friends, my family and there have been many times I've needed you guys and you've always been there. Nobody can understand what I've been through like you guys. Nobody shows the kindness and love like you guys. I think about you guys all the time, sometimes just taking out the garbage, while I'm working, sleeping, and...yes....sometimes even peeing.

I talk a lot about pee, don't I?

So, the guilt is killing me. I feel so selfish. Why is it hard for me to go to blogs some days? I do catch up on the days I feel "strong" enough. But it used to be that I could go to any blogs any day and felt fine. Why now is it hard?

Is there something wrong? Am I the only one in the same boat as me who has these days where it's hard to go to any blog, TTC or pregnancy? Am I selfish? Greedy? Or just wanting to be a mom so bad?

I hope I didn't lose anyone of you. You mean too much to me. (((HUGS)))

My award!!

I was tagged by Courtney (who is expecting to find out if her IVF worked tomorrow...go wish her the best!) and Kelli (who could use some hugs right now) for this wonderful award! Thanks so much you guys!!!



The rules of the "One Lovely Blog Award" are: Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Here is the list of newly discovered blogs that I am tagging for this lovely award!

1. Amy (she's undergoing a FET soon...go wish her luck!!)
2. Hillary
3. Serendipity Bees
4. Paxton
5. Amber (who's got exciting news :))
6. Michelle
7. Lindsey
8. Katie (a fellow Wisconsinite :))
9. Flower
10. Katie
11. Lisa
12. Courtney
13. Kelli
14. Michele
15. Nic

And a special shout-out to all the blogs I've known for a long time! I couldn't have made it through this without you! Bless you! Love you!!

Bright yellow pee

I've been nominated for a couple awards and I plan on posting them tomorrow! Thanks so much Kelli and Courtney!!

Today, Mark had an appointment with an eye specialist. They had to inject some dye to take pictures of his eyes. They told him he would look jaundice and have bright yellow urine.

As we were leaving, I looked at Mark and said "You wanna know something?"

Mark said "You wanna see my pee, don't you?"

I said "I kinda do. So the next time you pee, can you let me know?"

Being the good husband he is, he did and let me tell ya, that was some bright yellow pee. Mark and I agreed it was more of a fluroscent yellow.

Unfortunately Mark would not let me take a picture, so you'll have to take my word for it. He did not want his pee splattered (no pun intended) all over the internet.

We are sick people.

Pictures from the sale

Here are some pictures from the sale. I have to admit, though, the pictures don't show how much stuff there really was. To be here in person, you could see just how much stuff there was, but this gives a good idea. :)


Setting up

Setting up

The 4 tents with tables underneath

Inside the garage. There are actually 3 tables set up behind the hanging clothes that are hard to see and 3 tables on the right that are hiding

The tent for sale and the trailer full of more stuff.

I had to take a picture of this. Mark wanted to make sure this Christmas tree "stayed dry" as it was supposed to rain. His idea was to put a plastic bag over the top of it. In my mind, it did no good and just looked stupid, but Mark thought it worked very well. :)

Our dog, Eddie, who wasn't too excited about the garage sale

Peyton had a little too much fun with the "free box". Her and Tyler really dressed her up good with the "free stuff"

Tyler and Peyton playing with some kids. We found the kids sure loved to play with toys and it was fun to watch them. :)

My friend, Amy, who donated a lot of stuff, and my sister, Danielle, who also donated and was there the whole day to help on Friday

Peyton helping Friday morning and was a bit chilly

After the sale. Looks like we hardly made a dent, doesn't it?

The empty tents after...kind of sad. We worked so hard and it was over so fast.

I realized I never got a picture of my mom working at the sale or my other friend who helped Saturday and donated a lot. :( I'm sooo sorry. I meant to and didn't get a picture. But thanks to them for all your help! Love you guys!!

I'm still alive :)

I have soooo many e-mails and blogs to catch up on. I've been thinking of you all!!

I've been going steady since Thursday until tonight. We've had our garage sale since Thursday morning. Our county fair was this weekend and our road is the way to the fair so it was a very busy weekend. Most days I was out setting up by 6:30 in the morning and wouldn't get in until 8 or 9 at night....it was unreal.

I had one really bad experience that just made me sick where a couple ladies stole at least $25 of Avon...that I know of. It was probably more but I know of $25 for sure. Why do people do that? It just makes me sick.

Otherwise, it was a great weekend and for the most part, I had a great time and it was nice to see a lot of different people.

I'll be posting pictures later, but I had to tell you guys the final amount we raised for our peanut fund.

$1007.10

Isn't that amazing??? It brings tears to my eyes. God is sooooo good to us! We still have a TON left over so we'll be doing another sale again soon. Our garage is still so packed. We had an amazing amount of donations...an AMAZING amount. We still have some people interested in more stuff so the total may increase.

We are so blessed to have so many family and friends who have given so much. We are so unbelievably blessed.

I'll be writing more later! Missed you all! I'll be checking up on blogs....I've gotta play catch up!

(((HUGS)))