Happy Halloween!!

Here are Tyler and Peyton by their pumpkin they carved, "Jackie".


(with a bonus shot of Mark and my mom...I bet they didn't realize they would be on here....he,he)

Here is a picture of Tyler's candy corn craft he made in school:

When Mark asked him if he made it in art class, he said "No, it was MY class!"

It was funny. :)

Hope you all have a great and safe Halloween!!

Our first step....

As most of you know, Kami is now 25 weeks and will have her sweet twin girls arriving in 5-10 weeks! We're hoping and praying she makes it to 10 weeks to protect her girls a little longer. Please keep them in your thoughts and prayers!!!

Knowing that we were getting close, Mark and I have made our first step and scheduled the FET consult with our doctor! The appointment is scheduled for December 1!! Ironically that is our "second anniversary" date. We were originally going to get married on December 1 and moved it up to May 5, but we still celebrate on December 1. :)

And holy moly that is like a MONTH away! One. itty. bitty. month.

Can you believe this is happening? :)

I do have one question for those who have undergone a FET. We have 3 perfect (4AA) embryos and for our FET, we want to transfer 2 for reasons that I won't go into, but it's extremely important to us to thaw 2 and transfer 2.

For those who have undergone a FET, does the doctor let you decide how many you want to transfer? I'm afraid my doctor will recommend thawing out 3 and transferring the best or all and we're not comfortable with that. Will we have a say? What has other people's experiences been?

I've gotta say, my doctor has been very supportive and has always said he will support me in any decisions I make, but I don't know how he will react to this.

And I want to add, to Kami and Steve, this is all happening because of a precious gift you have chosen to give and we love you so much!! (((HUGS)))

Why IVF should be covered under FMLA

I’m either going to make a few more friends or enemies with this post.

As those who have been through IVF know, IVF is not covered under FMLA (if those who have gone through IVF and had it covered through FMLA, I would love to talk to you). I found this out a year ago when I underwent my IVF cycle. Now, the subject has been brought up again at work as I’m looking to do an FET early next year. And, it kind of ticks me off that it’s not covered. I believe it definitely should be and I have my reasons. Many of these reasons are also transferrable to why infertility should unquestionably be covered under health insurance. Here is why I was told IVF is not covered under FMLA:

1. It’s an elective procedure. Okay, sure. Instead of a) being at home and having a baby for free in the comfort of my home, I elect to b) poke myself up to 3 times a day, spend thousands of dollars, drive an hour each way every other day to get a hockey stick up my wing-wang, all for a possibility of becoming pregnant. I mean, given the options who wouldn’t choose b??

2. Well, you don’t have to have a baby. You’re right, I don’t. But, there are plenty of medical procedures people don’t have to have. Last year, there was talk about having my gallbladder taken out. That was covered under FMLA and yet, that is an elective procedure, a procedure I don’t necessarily have to have. Then, take the situation with my husband who had a kidney transplant. He didn’t have to have a kidney transplant as he could have lived on dialysis the rest of his life. And those people who have a hernia—they don’t necessarily have to have surgery to fix it.

And pregnancy and adoption are covered under FMLA while IVF is not…..ah, hello! Pregnancy is a choice, adoption is a choice, IVF is a choice….and really, what is the difference between IVF and adoption being covered?? In my opinion, nothing. Seems a little like IVF is being wrongfully discriminated against….that’s my opinion.

3. Well, a kidney transplant and surgery, etc. will improve your quality of life. Okay, yeah, like having a baby and having unconditional love both ways for the rest of your life isn’t improving the quality of life. I know those “I hate you”’s in the teenage years can sting, but I still think having a child can improve your quality of life, but what do I know? After all, I have to have IVF to have a baby.

4. Well, infertility isn’t an illness. Because I have scrambled eggs, I cannot conceive a baby naturally. I have a genetic abnormality. And how many men cannot produce sperm? There is even a name for that (azoospermia). Then you have PCOS, endometriosis, variocele, blocked fallopian tubes, scar tissue, fibroids and others. All of these are considered reasons for infertility, all medical illnesses. And yet, infertility is not considered an illness? I’m not a rocket scientist, but that just doesn’t add up.

If you really want to dissect IVF and infertility like that, technically you can dissect everything. I mean, a person can argue that a heart bypass really shouldn’t be covered. If you hadn’t eaten at McDonald’s last week, your arteries might not have clogged and you wouldn’t have had your heart attack. Therefore, I’m sorry, but that cannot be covered.

I’m sorry but we can’t cover your kidney transplant because when you were a teenager, you didn’t take care of your diabetes like you should have and you wouldn’t have had kidney failure right now. Therefore, I’m sorry, but that cannot be covered.

I’m sorry but we cannot cover your ACL repair because if you hadn’t been playing basketball, you wouldn’t have torn your ACL in the first place. Therefore, I’m sorry, but that cannot be covered.

Does anyone else see how absolutely ridiculous that all sounds?

Some people might think I’m reading too much into it…..but when you really think about it in a neutral way, I think you can see my point. Not covering IVF is about as ridiculous as car insurance companies stating that in an accident, it’s always partly your fault no matter what happens just because you’re on the road…hello!

Having IVF not covered under FMLA isn’t that big of a problem except at my job, even if I give 5 months advanced notice and give them a tentative schedule of my FET, if I have to change an appointment by a day or 2 (and we all know that happens), it’s considered “unscheduled PTO” and after 9 unscheduled PTO occurrences, you can be let go. Obviously, in the world of infertility where you’re dependent on your body on a daily and sometimes hourly basis, that can be a problem.

So you can see where I could want it to be covered under FMLA.

But no big deal. I prefer doing things the hard way anyway.

(Just to be clear, I love my job, love my boss and they have stated they will take the “out of my control” situation into consideration but it is still unscheduled. Chances are everything will work out, but of course it is still in the back of my mind).

Our biggest cheerleader

Miss Junior dot com

Peyton is the cutest thing ever. If we are ever blessed with a daughter of our own, we would want a daughter just like Peyton.

Last night as she was sleeping in our bed with us, I heard her whisper "Tammy!". I said "What, Peyton?" to which she said "I love you".

And she does this quite a bit to all of us. She's just the sweetest girl.

Someone asked previously how old she is. She's about 3-1/2. I can't believe how old she's getting.

I have to tell you something pretty funny. She has these striped pants. Mark asked her where she got them.

Her answer?

"Miss Junior dot com"!

We have no idea where she got this as her mom doesn't shop there but it was so cute.

Here is a picture of her pants:



And here is a picture of her and me:

Laptopless

Quite the title, huh? :)

I got this e-mail from my mom and LOVED it and wanted to share. I know it's a little long, but if you read it, it's worth it...I promise!!! My favorite part is the ending, but you have to read it all to understand. Here it is:


Laptopless
===========

"Loading Zone Five now," the loudspeaker blared as the gate
agent announced that my flight to Baltimore from Tampa was
loading. I was seated in Zone Five.

Airlines generally load by zones so there is less congestion in
the airplane aisles.

I was working at one of the workstations at the gate. Tampa
International had thoughtfully provided plenty of small work
booths that had ample power outlets for people to plug in
whatever electronic devices they were hauling around. At many
airports, trying to find an electrical outlet is a treasure hunt.

I unplugged my laptop, turned it off, and packed my various
cords into my laptop briefcase. Phone, phone-to-computer cord,
notebook power adapter were neatly packed away into the
accessory pouch of the briefcase.

I got to my seat - row 40, seat D - and settled in. Normally I
would wait until the plane reached a certain altitude before
turning the notebook on, but I figured that I would finish the
project that I was working on while everyone finished boarding.
So before putting my briefcase in the overhead storage bin, I
opened the zipper to take my notebook out.

My notebook is normally in the padded pouch that I keep it in.
It wasn't there!

Perhaps as I put it in the briefcase, I accidently put in it
behind the padded pouch. No, it wasn't there either.

I looked in every zippered pouch and slot in the briefcase,
just knowing the laptop HAD to be there. After patting each
side and feeling only the flat softness of the laptopless
carrying case, the sinking realization hit me that I had left
the laptop at the waiting area workstation.

People were still boarding the aircraft and the aisle was
full. I was at the back of the plane. If it was a choice
between missing my laptop and missing the plane, then I would
just miss the plane, although I figured I did have plenty of
time to go and get my laptop. If it was still there.

So I began to ease my way forward, slipping as gently as I
could past passengers moving in the opposite direction through
the narrow aisles.

As I passed by a particularly clogging group, I said,
"Excuse me but I left my laptop in the gate waiting area."

I exited the plane and walked up the breezeway to the gate.
The gate agent held my boarding pass as I went to check for the
laptop.

The familiar steel gray case beckoned to me as I spied it at
the work booth. With an audible sigh of relief, I picked it up
and headed back aboard.

Just as I was passing by the gate agent, a lady rushed out
saying, "I left my laptop over there!" pointing to where she
was sitting at the gate area.

I stood there in amazement.

I travel a lot and I had NEVER left my laptop anywhere. At the
very time that I had left my laptop, another lady had left
hers. It was an amazing coincidence.

I waited until she had retrieved her laptop and said as she
approached, "It must be something in the air, both of us left
our laptops."

Then she said, "I didn't realize that I had left my laptop
until I heard you say as you went by that you had left yours.
I then realized that I didn't have mine either."

She then went on to explain how all of her important work and
notes were on her laptop and how desperately she needed it.

I just don't believe in coincidences. Sometimes we have to go
through rough situations just to remind others and to serve as
examples, even if it's a bad example.

Often the pain that you bear has reason.
Even when the pain falls squarely in your lap...top.

An award!!

Thank you so much Katie for the award!! You're so sweet!! I love Katie, not just because she's a fellow Wisconsinite...which makes her really cool :), but she's very strong and interesting on her blog!



All we need is a little LOVE! This blog is about sisters uniting together and giving others some love because life is hard and who couldn't use a little love? The rules for this award is simple.

I LOVE YOU=8 letters which gives you 8 rules :)

Here are the rules:
1-Thank the person who nominated you for this award and write a little bit about why you love them.
2-Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3-Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4-Nominate no more than 17 people who you love or you think could use some love.
5. Write one word (you can only use a word once) about what you love about their blog.
6. You cannot nominate someone who has already been nominated-the love has to spread to all.
7-Post links to the blogs you nominate.
8-Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they’ve been nominated.
Here we go!

1. Meg - Austin
2. Mel - family
3. Onemorebaby - cute
4. Mrs. La La - strength
5. Kathryn - persistence
6. Tiffany - attitude
7. Megan - hope
8. Mimi - generous
9. Kate - funny
10. Michell - never-give-up
11. Stacey - faith
12. Michelle - friendship
13. Montana's Mom - sweetheart
14. Chelle - supportive
15. Paxton - giving
16. Pixie - honesty
17. Rachel - selfless

Okay, so to think of ONE word is next to impossible!! It's horrible! So many blogs can have more than one word and it was so hard not to give more than one word. And a couple, I cheated and made 2 words into 1. :) It's hard to do..try it! :)

Thanks for all your love and support you guys!!

Just a few pics

Peyton and Draven

Draven

Me and Draven (I love this picture :))

Roses, a bracelet and Eddie

Thank you so much to everyone for your support. (((HUGS)))



I got this bracelet from my blogger friend, Paxton, as a "cheer up" present. How sweet is that? I'll be wearing this for all my upcoming IF treatments. Thank you sweetie!!!


And my mom and dad (okay, mostly my mom :)) gave us these 4 roses in honor of our 4 angel babies. That really meant a lot to me to have my mom and dad remember and honor them. Thanks Mom and Dad! I love you so much!!!


And Eddie is doing good. He's such a great dog! They were very worried that Eddie would be licking his leg after his surgery, but he hasn't really done that a whole lot. We've had to wrap it when we leave him just because we don't know what he does when we're gone, but he's been so good about leaving those stitches alone. He gets them out later this week.

To be honest, the last couple days have been hard. I mostly slept and read on Saturday and didn't do much else. We did get to baby-sit Draven that night which was a big help as I realized that if things didn't work out the way they did, we wouldn't be as close to Draven as we are....so that helped.

And today was the official 1-year anniversary. I was a little emotional driving to our toy show and cried when we got to the spot where we got the call about the embryos. It was weird, but I was very nauseous up to that spot. Once we passed, the nauseousness was gone. I felt a lot better. I think the anticipation was what got to me. But once we passed that, I felt better and it was kind of symbolic as this time I was able to keep going, keep moving forward....instead of turning around and seeming to go "backwards".

Thanks for the e-mails, calls and talks guys. It means a lot!

Oh, and I was given an award by my fellow Wisconsite, Katie, which I will be doing soon. Thanks Katie!!!

Kinda quiet here

It was a year ago this week that we were having our IVF egg retrieval, having 12 eggs retrieved and having so much hope and encouragement that FINALLY we would be parents.

And of course it was a year ago this week that we also found out that only 4 eggs fertilized and in a very rare occurrence, none of those 4 continued to divide. I had 4 babies born and die this week a year ago.

Yes, I'm grateful for this journey. Yes, I cherish the life I have. Yes, I've gained a lot more with the failed IVF than I would have had the IVF worked. Yes, I'm thankful for my husband, friends, family, etc. Yes, yes, yes.

But, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't sad and that I didn't want my babies with me here. I can still hear the lab tech's voice when she called at 10:35 in the morning (yes, I even remember looking at the clock) and said "None of them divided". I asked her "what?"...not because I didn't hear it but because I didn't believe it. Then to hear her say once again "None of them divided"....devastating.

And I can still hear it like it was yesterday.

So, I've been quiet....feeling kind of down and keeping to myself a little. Please know that if I haven't been to your blog, it's not you...it's me and just needing a little space right now. It hasn't been easy and although I know I'll be okay, right now, I miss my babies so much and miss what "could have been".

Ironically, today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. I'd like to send out a special shoutout to my blogger friends who have lost babies, especially Stacey and Rachel who have lost babies in a way that I could never imagine and my heart breaks for them. I love you guys so very much and know I'm thinking of you today! (((HUGS)))

Thanks for your understanding, love and tons of support this past year. Love you all!

My tough baby boy

Here are pictures of Eddie:


Here's his leg that had the 2 tumors removed


Me with Eddie.

Yes those are Christmas sweats on. I wear them all year long. :)

And you can see the new blanket my mom made for him. My mom is the absolute best. :)


Here's another one of Eddie. He was really out of it last night so this isn't a really good picture.

The poor guy was whining all last night and didn't get much sleep. :( I felt so bad for him. But today he seems much better and is back to his old self. :) He's such a tough guy. The vet told us she was amazed at how good Eddie's labs were and how fast he came out of anesthesia considering how old he is.

Eddie came out good!!!

We just got the call about 10 minutes ago and Eddie's surgery went well! They were able to get both tumors off. They think it's benign and we can send them for biopsy but apparently it won't really help give too much information and it costs $90 so we chose not to. We're just so relieved he's okay! We get to pick him up in 2 hours and I can't wait to see him! It was so tough leaving him this morning. He kept pulling on his leash to come with us and didn't want us to leave. It was heartbreaking. :(

My mom made Eddie a new blanket. :) Her and Peyton dropped it off an hour ago. I thought that was so sweet.

I'll have to share pictures later of Eddie. Thanks so much for your prayers! It means so much!

My dog is having surgery tomorrow

Eddie's having surgery tomorrow. :( He's 13 years old and the surgery is very risky because of his age. He has a lump that's very infected on his leg. It might be cancerous. And tonight we found another one. So, I'm pretty worried. :( We were told that if we don't get it removed, we'd have to put him to sleep in another couple months. I don't want him to suffer so we're getting it removed. I feel so bad for him and hope the surgery goes well.

Please keep him in your thoughts and prayers. I'm going to be a nervous wreck until the surgery is over.

Thanks you guys!!

Blog award!

I was awarded this award by 3 special bloggers! Thank you so much Clarkie (who could use some encouragement), Jennifer (who just miscarried and could use some prayers) and Brittney (who's pregnant!!)

Rules:
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Survey~
1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your hair? Blonde
3. Your mother? AWESOME!!!
4. Your father? AWESOME!!
5. Your favorite food? Spaghetti
6. Your dream last night? Odd
7. Your favorite drink? Mocha
8. Your dream/goal? BABY
9. What room are you in? Office
10. Your hobby? Crafts
11. Your fear? Loneliness
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Happy
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren’t? Complete
15. Muffins? Lemon
16. Wish list item? Baby
17. Where did you grow up? Wisconsin
18. Last thing you did? E-bay :)
19. What are you wearing? Clothing
20. Your TV? Movies
21. Your pets? Dog
22. Friends? AWESOME!!
23. Your life? AWESOME!!
24. Your mood? Waves
25. Missing someone? Mark
26. Vehicle? Car
27. Something you’re not wearing? Shoes
28. Your favorite store? Tar.get
29. Your favorite color? Purple
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Yesterday
32. Your best friend? Husband
33. One place that I go to over and over? Couch
34. One person who emails me regularly? Mom
35. Favorite place to eat? Per.kins

You guys, I honestly can't pick 6. You guys are ALL way over the top. I can't pick just 6....so sorry!!

I love you all!!!

Toilet paper

Yeah, you read that title right. This post is about toilet paper.

You see, Mark and I don't necessarily agree about toilet paper.

Well, first of all, both of us have a bad habit of not changing the roll when it's empty. And we also have a bad habit of when the roll is empty of getting a new roll, but just putting it on the sink and not on the roll and leaving the empty roll on the roll.

It's annoying...but I can't complain about Mark because I do it too.

Here's the thing that we don't agree about. I think the "right" way to put a roll of toilet paper on is by going "over". Mark thinks it's "under".

So which one is it?

We always have it over because I tell Mark I have to use it twice as much as him so I should have my say.

Get it....women use it for both poop and pee and men use it just for poop? :)

Yeah, I'm a sick individual. Just plain sick.

But I'm curious...which is it? Over or under?

Our Tyler and Peyton time

I admit it. I’ve been struggling the past few days. I’ve been asking God why Mark and I have to struggle so much. Why do we have to deal with the health issues? Why do we have to deal with the infertility issues? Isn’t one struggle enough? Why? Why? Why?

And I’ve realized the answer: Because He loves us.

I didn’t realize the answer until yesterday afternoon when we got to baby-sit Peyton. Of course she’s always been so much fun and we love having her, but yesterday was different. I couldn’t get enough of her. I couldn’t give her enough kisses or hugs and I couldn’t get enough smiles out of her. And it melted my heart when I tried to wake her up and all she wanted was for me to hold her and snuggle with her.

I realized how lucky I am. I’m lucky to have a sister who is so willing to give us Tyler and Peyton time all the time. I’m lucky to be so close to my nephew and niece—I know not too many aunts and uncles have that. I’m so lucky to be able to have Peyton overnight and for a full day once a week, becoming a “1-day mom”.

And I know that if I had my own child, those things probably wouldn’t be true. We probably wouldn’t be able to spend as much time with the kids as we do. We wouldn’t be as close. We probably wouldn’t be able to have Peyton for overnight because it would be too much to have both kids. I’m not saying we wouldn’t be close or see them but I don’t think it would be as much.

And because Mark struggles with the health issues, we cherish every single hour with the kids. I love watching Mark with Tyler and Peyton and watching how much they love each other. I know chances are one day that won’t be a possibility and I love the fact that they know how much their Uncle Mark loves them and loves spending time with them even though he is so sick.

I’m so blessed to have the family I do. I know not a lot of people have that blessing and I praise God that I do. And if we hadn’t gone through the struggles we have, I don’t know if we would be able to have the life we do right now. So I’m grateful and I know God loves me.

That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t mind if He would let me have a baby now and would love to have one show up out on the doorstep. :)

Still here....

Thanks so much for the support you guys! It means a lot!! Thanks to those who have e-mailed to check up on me.

I can't say why right now, but I haven't felt much like blogging. I've been on an emotional roller coaster since finding out some news but I promise to be back. I'll be able to share details later.

And to be honest, pregnancy blogs have been a little hard for me lately. So, if I'm quiet and not commenting as much on your blog, you may know why. I'm sorry. I know you guys have been there and understand and I know I can be honest. Please know that I love you all and support everyone and I know things will get better regarding that.

And for those wondering about an update on K, her beta came back okay and things are looking more promising! Things are still risky but it's much better odds so thank you so much for your prayers!!

Hugs and love!

I want.....

.....to be a mom so bad.

So very bad.

It's really hit me today.

Maybe it's because it was a year ago that we were sooooo very, very close.

Maybe it's because we spent 3 full days last week with Peyton and it was so much fun and now it's so quiet and I miss her.

Maybe it's because Mark had a rough day today and I'm scared "time is slipping away".

I don't know. Maybe it's all 3 of them.

I just wanna be a mom.

I wanna be a mom so bad my heart hurts so much.

I love my life, I love my family, I love my husband, I love God.

I just feel like something is missing. A part of my heart isn't with me.

I know I just need to be patient. I just need to have the faith. I know I am very blessed, so very, very blessed.

Why am I having trouble with p-a-t-i-e-n-c-e???? What's wrong with me????

Letting Nature Take Its Course

I’m sure a lot of you have heard about the IVF clinic that had a bunch of embryos misplaced/mislabeled, affecting more than 100 couples. As someone who has been through IVF, it breaks my heart. I can’t imagine anyone having to go through that emotional pain, especially after going through the emotions of IVF.

On top of that, you may have heard about the woman who had the wrong embryos transferred to her and is now pregnant with another couple’s baby. She’s stated she is going to do the right thing and give birth to the baby and hand the baby over to the right parents.

I can’t imagine how hard that must be for her. When I read this story, I felt so bad for this woman. But, as I read the comments to the story, instead of being praised for doing the right thing, there were comments saying “that’s what she gets for not letting nature take its course” and “she’s selfish to want another child when she already has 3”, etc. This woman was being bashed for doing IVF.

Now I know there are many debates about IVF and what is “right”. The point of this post is to not get into a debate about it by any means.

The part that bothers me the most are the comments I’ve heard when people talk about IVF like “letting nature take its course” or “if God wanted you to have a baby, it’ll happen.” I don’t want to go into details, but Mark and I will never have a baby the “natural” way. Doctors have proven that. Plus we can’t adopt. So what bothers me is that these people making these comments are basically telling me that we cannot be parents. They are playing God and telling us no. Shouldn’t that be God’s job?

I’ll never forget 8 years ago right after Mark’s transplant when our pastor came to see us. I remember word for word what he said. He said “With God and medical intervention, nothing is impossible. With those 2 things, we can do anything.”

Did ya catch that??? With God AND medical intervention.

I can pretty much guarantee you that these people against IVF and saying these things about it, have seen a doctor. I’m pretty sure they have taken antibiotics before. Nowhere in the Bible does it say you can take antibiotics. So why not let “nature take its course”? Why go to the doctor?

And if Mark didn’t have his kidney transplant, he wouldn’t be here. Plus, he accepted the Lord into his heart right after his kidney transplant and has been a huge ministry to so many people after that. You’d have a hard time convincing me that God didn’t want Mark to have his kidney transplant.

I strongly believe that God provides ways for us. He provides the way. I’m one to believe that God provides IVF as a way to become parents. Some may disagree with me and that’s okay! We all are entitled to our opinions. All I know is that I’m sure if you ask those who have been through IVF, they will tell you that they feel closer to their spouse, their children, God and are happy to have been through it.

Remember that post I wrote about “God changing our hearts”? Try as you might, you can try to change how you feel, but really God is the one who leads the way.
Even though my IVF didn’t pan out the way I would’ve liked, I can tell you I feel like I’m a better person because of that experience. I love my husband more. I love my nieces and nephews more. I’ve met more wonderful bloggers/friends. I’ve been the receiving end of wonderful, unselfish gifts that I never felt possible. I’ve been a part of things I never thought I could. I’ve witnessed to people I didn’t think I ever would be able to. I could go on and on.

You can try telling me that wasn’t in God’s plan but I don’t believe you in a second. Why would such a loving God take all that away from me?

So it’s not letting nature take its course, it’s letting God take His course. He’s the only one who can tell me I can be a mom and I’ll let Him lead my heart. I’ll let him lead the course of my life, not nature.