Congrats Michele!!

Hop on over to Michele!! She got a positive test yesterday and today a beta of 211 after doing a FET!! I'm very happy for her as she has been through so much.

Please keep her in your prayers as they have had other losses.

And I hope it's the start of some good betas for the rest of us doing FETs soon. :)

Congrats Michele! You deserve it!!! (((HUGS)))

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ADELAIDE!!!

Today is my niece, Adelaide's, third birthday!!! I can't believe she's already 3! I remember when she was born!!

Happy birthday sweet Adelaide! I can't wait to see you this weekend! And I can't wait to get an Adelaide hug. No one gives hugs like you!

Your Uncle Mark and Aunt Tammy love you so very much!!!

Happy birthday sweetie!!

Adelaide, Mark and Peyton:


Grandma and Adelaide:


Grandpa and Adelaide:


Tammy and Adelaide:

Thanksgiving and only 2 days!!

Only TWO days until our FET consult!!

Two. flipping. days.

It sounds like I just realized that. And, indeed, I did.

Mark asked when our appointment was and I told him December 1.

Which is like Tuesday.

Like Two. days. away.

Holy cow. Didn't realize that.

It's moving so quickly! Exciting, anxious, scared, nervous, you name it, I'm feeling it.

Mostly excited, though. :)

Okay, so onto Thanksgiving. We had a good day. We ate at my mom and dad's house and then came home and rested a little bit. Then, Chad came over for a couple hours along with my parents and brother and we watched Survivor.

Nothing too exciting, but it was so much fun with the family and not being in the hospital!!! Last year (2008) we spent Christmas in the hospital and in 2007, we spent both Thanksgiving and Christmas in the hospital so we are so grateful we weren't in the hospital.

And of course, we have a few pictures :)

Here is Mark, Tyler and Peyton cutting out pumpkin placements for everyone:


Here is Mark looking at me and saying "Don't take a picture":


Here is Tyler cutting out the placement. He was trying to smile to the camera and cut at the same time:


Here is my brother and dad carving the turkey:


Here is Mark claiming to be playing with the kids (I think he was just playing by himself and liking the toys):


Although Peyton did join him after a little while:


And special thanks to Chelle and Michele for their help with my computer question. I'm thinking my computer isn't equipped with a DVD burner so I'm going to try another computer. Thank you so much!!

Windo.ws Mov.ie Mak.er question

I'm hoping to find a real smart person out there who can help someone who is about at her wit's end and ready to pull her hair out. And being I just got a new haircut, I really don't want to pull all my hair out.

I made a movie on the Wind.ows Mov.ie Mak.er. It's only about 3 minutes long. I'd like to put it onto a DVD and that's where I'm having trouble.

I've read that I have to save it onto my computer and then burn it onto a DVD. However, I'm unable to do that. My computer might not be able to. It can burn CDs and when I try to burn it onto a CD, it will play the music in the DVD player but not the images.

So, I read somewhere that I need to use a "third party" and I did download a couple different ones. I think one was Wind.ows D.VD Mak.er and then another was San.ta D.VD or something like that. I'm still having trouble.

With one, it said I needed to put a blank DVD-R/RW or a DVD+R/RW disc in. I had a blank DVD+R/RW one in. So, I don't understand that at all. I don't get why it won't work.

Anyone know how I can get it to a DVD? It seems like I should be able to somehow.

And I try to download it to photo.bucket so I could get the code to post it on my blog, but photo.bucket blocked it as it was downloading for some reason. Anyone else have that problem?

Any help would be great. :) I don't know much about computers and so this is driving me crazy and I've been working on it since yesterday afternoon. :(

Thanks guys!!

Some ramblings

I just have to say….I heard the octomom is writing a book to supplement her income. I can tell you, this is one person who will not read it, much less buy it.

Last night I had a wonderful dream that I was 7 weeks pregnant. I kept touching my stomach and I remember “talking” to the baby and saying “I love you so much. I just wanna protect you and never let go of you. I want to keep my hand on my tummy forever to protect you and hold you. I don’t ever want to let you go. We’ve worked so hard to bring you here and we love you so much!”. It felt so real and I woke up excited, thinking maybe my dream was coming true!

And then I realized I also dreamt I was working back at my old job in high school as a dishwasher and I was naked.

So, maybe not.

I know this post seems like it’s all over the place and I guess it kind of is. That’s the way I feel, though, just kind of scattered.

Mark’s niece recently had a baby girl. She’s 9 weeks. Yesterday, Mark’s SIL called and said she was in town with her daughter and baby girl and wondered if it would be okay if they stopped so we could meet the baby. Of course we said yes and they said they would be here in half an hour.

So, I told Mark who hurried up and got dressed while I did a quick vacuum and cleaned up the house a little and Mark cleaned up the bathroom. That’s what we typically do when people call (except for my family :)) and then we apologize for the messy house…if they only knew.

Anyway, the baby was so precious. I loved holding her. I remember thinking, this could be me soon! And I started realizing how very much I was looking forward to holding my new niece or nephew. Oh, I can’t wait to meet him/her!!

And to watch Mark hold the baby, you can tell how much he loves babies. He was so gentle with her, smiling and holding her hand. It was so precious and I can’t wait to give that gift to him.

Then we started talking about how much the baby looks like her mother and how her father tries so hard to find something that looks like him and he can’t. They were saying how much she looks like a Wondra.

And my heart sank.

I was about ready to cry because I will never be able to say that. I will never be able to say the baby has Mark’s eyes, his nose, his ears, and most of all, won’t be able to say the baby looks like a Wondra. I’m unable to have a child that is 50/50 Mark’s and mine.

I admit, it hit me hard…like a ton of bricks. I cried a little after they left. And the anger came. It’s not fair. So, yes, Mom, when you called, something was bothering me and I was a little down (you’re good :))….I just wasn’t in the mood to talk about it at that point.

But, you know, after thinking about it, I realized something. Yeah, I can’t have a baby that is genetically 50/50 mine and Mark’s. But, as I’ve stated before, in that article I found, Kami and Steve are the genetic parents, but I am the biological mother and the genes will be determined by me and that is a great feeling to know.

And as far as Mark, yeah, the baby may not have his nose or mouth, but the baby also won’t get his diabetes or heart disease. Mark constantly worries about the boys getting diabetes. Mark was diagnosed with diabetes when his brother found him in a diabetic coma. I can’t imagine how devastating and how guilty it would make Mark feel if he found his child in a coma from diabetes if he was the genetic father.

And Mark is the birth father. Mark will be there for the whole pregnancy, from the testing, to telling others, to feeling my tummy, to talking to the baby, to holding the baby, to changing the baby, etc. Mark will be the father this baby knows and the baby could get his sense of humor, his smile, laugh, love of cars, etc. And when people say “the baby sure has Mark’s sense of humor”, I can smile and say “oh, yeah”.

I know, I know…gotta get to that point first. Let’s get through the transfer first.

But, situations come up, it hits you and if you don’t talk about it, it can eat you alive, so my blogging is the best place to “let it all out”.

To everyone in my blog world, HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!! I am so incredibly thankful for each one of you and love you all!!!

Decorating with the kids

Friday night, we got to have both Tyler and Peyton overnight. We don't get that too often, so we really cherish it when we do. We planned on decorating our house for Christmas Saturday morning.

Poor Tyler ended up sick, though. :( At about 4 in the morning, he had lost his voice and had a 102.6 fever. I made a quick trip to Wal-Mart at 5:30 in the morning (we live just a couple miles away) for some Children's Tylenol and orange juice and after taking that, seemed to be feeling a little better.

To make the day really special, I made teddy bear blueberry muffins:


Here is Peyton with them:


She said they looked really good. They looked so good, she ended up having toast for breakfast:


And Tyler had cereal:


I know Tyler was sick, so I let him eat whatever sounded good.

But, I was the only one who ate one of my fabulous teddy bear blueberry muffins. Mark did eat one later in the day.

Then we started decorating.

We put up the tree. We have an artifical tree. Tyler and Peyton decided they liked the box better than the tree:


Then they found Santa Claus hats:


When we got the tree up, we started putting ornaments on the tree. Last year after our failed IVF, we had gotten crosses in memory of our angels. Here is Tyler putting up a cross:


And here is Peyton putting up a cross (although you can't really see the cross):


Tyler and Peyton putting up the village:


Peyton stretching so much to put the tree up on the snow (she got kind of mad at me for taking a picture and not helping her):


Mark, Peyton and Tyler after the finished tree:


Eddie being such a big help:


After the decorating, I made Tyler lay down as his fever was at about 101. So, I gave him a washcloth and settled him in. Peyton thought for sure she was also sick (heaven forbid Tyler get attention and she doesn't). So, despite the fact that her temperature was 95.8, she thought she should also lay down with a wet washcloth (Mark was getting the washcloth at the time this picture was taken):


We had a blast with the kids. I wish Tyler would have felt better, but at least he still got to help decorate. Today he's feeling much better.

But, we had so much fun! There's nothing like a messy house, loud kids, giggles, laughs and cartoons on 24/7. It's the best. :)

Thanks guys!!

Awww, you guys are the absolute best! Thank you so much for your love and support. It really means a lot.

I'm doing better now. I guess I just needed a pity party. I also talked to my sister which helped a lot. She feels so bad because she feels like just her presence causes me pain and she hates hurting me. And I feel like she can't enjoy her pregnancy because she feels like she's always hurting me. It seems like we're 2 people who love each other so much and don't want to hurt each other. I love having a sister like that and I know how lucky I am.

Thanks again you guys! I love you all!

I have to tell you something funny that happened with Mark:

Tammy: Hey honey, I got this e-mail and I wanna read it to you.

Mark: Okay.

Tammy: Okay, here it goes. It's about the 6 truths of life. #1: You cannot touch all your teeth with your tongue.

Mark (moving his tongue around in his mouth): Really? Cause I can do that! I can do something nobody can do! Isn't that cool?

Tammy: Sure honey. Okay, #2: All idiots, after reading #1 will try it.

Mark gives a blank look.

Tammy: #3: And discover that #1 is a lie.

Mark (starts laughing): Yeah, I guess it's true. I'm not as cool as I thought.

Tammy: #4: You're smiling now because you're an idiot.

Mark: It doesn't say that!

Tammy: It sure does! Here, take a look! (Tammy shows Mark the e-mail).

Mark: Okay, that's real funny.

Tammy: #5: You will soon forward this to another idiot. #6: There's still a stupid smile on your face.

Mark (smile immediately goes away): Does it really say that?

Tammy: Yeah, take a look (Tammy shows it to Mark again).

Mark sighs and starts mumbling how mean I am to him.

I love it. :)

Why can't I just be happy and not angry??

This is a selfish post. I’ll come right out and say that right away.

Church is usually my “safe” place. It’s like my second family and the support there is always so wonderful. Even despite the fact that Mark’s ex recently started going there….which does make for some interesting times there, but it’s all good.

Tonight it wasn’t such a safe place and I left in tears.

Here’s some background info. My pastor and his wife started dating in May. They got married in August. Last Wednesday night they announced they were adopting 5-week-old twins and tonight was the first time people in the church got to see them.

I’m not even going to mention the fact that they seem to be going waaaaay too fast. I won’t mention the fact that they make adoption seem so easy and that anyone can do it at any time. I won’t mention the fact that them moving so fast kind of gives the young people in our church the wrong idea. Nope…I won’t mention that because I don’t think I should on this blog.

What I will mention is that it was so hard to see those twins tonight. And that makes me angry.

I’m angry because I can’t be happy for them. I’m angry because I can’t hold the twins because it hurts too much. I’m angry because people don’t understand that and they’ll ask me “Did you see the twins and how cute they are?”. I’m angry because it’s not me. I’m angry because it comes so easy for some people and it’s harder than heck for us.

Then, as some may know, my sister is unexpectantly pregnant! I am very excited to be an aunt again…even though the news came as a shock and it was a little hard to hear at first. I have to say, my sister handled telling me in the best way and she has been so supportive and sweet throughout this. I couldn’t have asked for a better sister right now….one who totally respects our feelings and loves us so much and knows that it must be hard for me.

Anyway, tonight she chose to tell people at church, so people were coming up congratulating them…while I was standing there. I know she didn’t mean for that to happen and she has every right to tell people when she wants to….I do understand that completely.

But, of course I was angry again.

I’m angry because I can’t just put on a smile and truly be happy for them. I’m angry because I want it to be me they are congratulating. I’m angry because everyone seems so happy for them and don’t realize how hard it is for me. I’m angry because once again, it comes so easy for everyone else.

I finally had had enough and told Mark we had to leave. Then in the car, Mark brings up the twins and I snap. I yell at Mark because he doesn’t realize how much I was hurt and how much I didn’t want to talk about it. The one person who can usually read my mind didn’t even know how much it bothered me. And then I felt so bad because I snapped and because I hurt Mark.

Why do I feel like this? Why does it have to hurt? Why am I so angry?

Yes, I know we have our embryos and our transfer coming up. To be honest, right now, I don’t want to hear about how “soon we’ll be able to announce our pregnancy” and “I’ll be pregnant soon” and “don’t worry, it’ll work and it’ll be your time” and all that. Right now, I want to be selfish, be angry, hate the “fertiles” and just be sad for me. I know it’s selfish, but right now, dang it, I wanna be angry and selfish.

I know I’m blessed. I’m happy with my life. But I have feelings too and sometimes this journey sucks and nobody understands…unless you’ve been through it. Nobody knows how much seeing baby twins can hurt and how just hearing someone else tell a pregnant woman “Congratulations” can bring you to tears.

I know you guys understand. Right now I could use some hugs from people who understand. I love you guys!

Awards!

I've been awarded for a couple awards!

First Chelle at Once an Infertile sweetly awarded me with the Kreative Blogger award. Thank you Chelle!



Here are The Rules:
1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog.
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Write 7 things about yourself that people may not know.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs, letting them know they’ve been nominated.

Here are the 7 things. Oh, boy, huh? :)

1. Once I had heard the average person farts 17 times a day so I counted one day. I can't remember the exact count but I know it was in the 20s.
2. I'm the only one in our school's history to have set all 5 gymnastics school records and I currently have the mile school record and conference record of a time of 5:24. (Okay, that's my bragging point :)).
3. I was voted Most Quiet in my senior class which absolutely SHOCKS Mark.
4. I flash Mark all the time and I'm scared one time I'll accidentally do it in front of my mom and dad.
5. I hate licorce.
6. I've never ridden in a train.
7. I would LOVE to meet Sarah Palin. I think she's the best.

I was also nominated for the Over the Top award from Hope Endures. Thank you sweetie!!



Here are the rules:
USE ONLY ONE WORD! It’s not as easy as you might think. Copy and change the answers to suit yourself and pass it on. It’s really hard to use only one-word answers so try your best.

Once you’re done tag 6 other bloggers and let them know that you think they are ‘Over the Top’!

» Where is your cell phone? Purse
» Your hair? New!
» Your mother? Awesome
» Your father? Cool
» Your favourite food? Chocolate
» Your dream last night? Wierd
» Your favourite drink? Mocha
» Your dream/goal? Baby :)
» What room are you in? Living
» Your hobby? Reading
» Your fear? Widow
» Where do you want to be in 6 years? happy
» Where were you last night? Wal-Mart
» Something that you aren’t? Calm
» Muffins? Lemon
» Wish list item? baby
» Where did you grow up? Wisconsin
» Last thing you did? Eat
» What are you wearing? Clothes
» Your TV? News
» Your pets? BEST
» Friends? Amazing
» Your life? Awesome
» Your mood? Sleepy
» Missing someone? Yes
» Vehicle? Aveo
» Something you’re not wearing? Makeup
» Your favourite store? Jo-Anns
» Your favourite colour? Purple
» When was the last time you laughed? Today
» Last time you cried? Today
» Your best friend? Mark
» One place that you go to over and over? Bed
» One person who emails you regularly? Mom
» Favourite place to eat? Culver's

Thanks again you guys!

I'm going to break the rules and not tag anyone....I know, cop out. I always feel like I'm going to hurt someone else's feelings by "missing someone" and I don't like doing that...even though I promise it's unintentional!

If anyone wants to do it, go ahead!

New button!!!

My friend, Jennifer, has been so kind to be so incredibly patient with my computer ignorance to help me create a button for my blog. It's on the right side if you would like to put it on your blog. I also have one for praying for Mark if you have a prayer list on your blog. Mark could use all the prayers he can get.

Thank you Jennifer for all your help! Please head over to her blog. She makes beautiful jewelry and needs to make some money for an IVF cycle.

New haircut!

Thank you to everyone who voted on my poll. :) Looks like the majority finds a private place. I would love to hear from the person who has never farted in their life. :) Mark would love for me to be more like you. :)

I'm going to be putting up a new poll soon. I love them....pretty interesting. :)

Thank you also to those who wished my mom a happy birthday! You guys are so sweet!!

Yesterday I got a new haircut. I'd been wanting something new and different and so I went for it and I absolutely love it! So does Mark.

The pictures are a little hard to see and get the whole idea, but here is the just of it:

The before (with a bonus picture of Peyton who came with me because I needed someone brave and she said she could do it :)):


And the after:


I have some catching up on my blogs and e-mails that I'm hoping to do tonight! Yesterday was so busy with work, Peyton, getting my haircut and then having Draven later and picking up Tyler from school. Then Mark's son showed up later that night. So, it was busy! Today, we traveling to another toy show. We've been away the last 3 weekends! I love being busy, but I need to get caught up on my housework. Last night, Peter wrote "Peter rules" in our dust. Isn't that disgusting?? Obviously this house needs a good cleaning. I'm sooooo far behind.

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend!!

Happy Birthday Mom!!

Today is my mom’s birthday! Happy Birthday Mom! I love you!

I know people who have great moms say they have the best mom and I’m no different.

From the time I was young, she has always been there for me and always gave so much of herself. Even when I was in high school gymnastics and had some bad back problems, she still supported me in the sport, along with my dad, paid for all my Emergency Room visits and physical therapy without any complaints.

When we got married, it was her idea to move the wedding up and she did so much to help with that, including doing all the cooking of the food for the meal for our guests. She did so much work with the wedding.

And, I can’t tell you how many times she has been there for Mark and me during his hospitalizations and transplant. So many times she spent the night with me in the hospital, just to be there for me. And I remember many times calling her in the middle of the night to tell her I was in the Emergency Room with Mark and without hesitation, would come down to be there with me. There was never a part of me that hesitated calling her no matter what time because I knew it just didn’t matter and I knew I’d be in trouble later if I didn’t. :)

And now with our struggles with infertility, once again, she is the best mother I could ever imagine. She has been there for us through everything. She has driven us to appointments. And she has helped make memory quilts to raise money for our treatments. She has never forgotten about our angels as she has cross-stitched a special Precious Moments cross stitch in honor of our angels, given us roses in memory of them on our anniversary, among other things.

My mom has always been there for me and has always been the best mom. I can count on her for anything.

Mom, thank you for doing so much for us. You are the best, most supportive mom I could ever imagine. Thank you for setting the example of the mom I want to be. Because of you, I am the person I am and the mom I hope to be. I love you so much Mom.

Happy birthday!

Mom's gonna kill me for showing this picture but I love it. A couple years ago, Mark was in the hospital during Christmas. So, to make us smile, Mom dressed up as Santa and came and visited us in the hospital:


A couple pictures of my mom and I (which proves we look NOTHING alike :)):



Me, Peyton and my mom the day of our egg retrieval:

Definitely drawn to them

Idiots, that is.

Yesterday we got our oil changed at a dealer here in town. I love going there because that's where we got our car and everyone knows us, but mostly because they give you free cappuccino while you wait. Sweet!!

Anyway, after we got the oil changed, we went to the car wash next door, got the car washed and the car nice and vaccuumed. While we were exiting the car wash, we noticed the car started to chug. We didn't know what it was. Then, we drove a little ways to the stop light and stopped the car and it chugged some more. After driving it a little more, the "Check Engine" light came on.

We pull over right away. Mark's the calm one and I'm sitting there freaking out thinking the car's gonna blow. Mark tells me to pop the hood and we notice that there is oil everywhere.

They had forgotten to put the oil cap on. Seriously????

So, I have Mark call up there and talk to them because he knows the car "lingo" and can better explain it to them. Mark just smiles because apparently saying "you forgot to put the oil cap back on" is too much car "lingo" for me.

Anyway, Mark calls and they say to bring the car right back up. After Mark questions us driving it, they say it's okay as long as we don't go too fast...like less than 30. So, we're driving on a busy highway going 30. That's just great.

Anyway, so we get it up there, and they're very apologetic. At first they can't find an oil cap that will fit. Mark says that if that's a problem, we could just switch cars and we'll take the 2010 Camaro in the show room. They didn't go for it...dang!

They finally find the oil cap lodged by the radiator and they clean up the engine very well. They drained the oil and put in some fresh oil for fear of the water getting in there from the car wash.

The good news is we got 3 free oil changes now and I got another free cup of cappuccino! Yay!

But, a trade-off for the 2010 Camaro I think would've been a better deal. :)

Our weekend

The first weekend in November is always the Natio.nal To.y Sh.ow in Dyers.ville, Io.wa. Usually it's cold and snowy. And we usually have a hotel room with my parents about 20 min away. Mark absolutely LOVES to go, but we haven't been able to the last few years because of the weather, the long drive and walks. It's been too hard on Mark.

Lo and behold, this year, my parents happened to get a hotel room in the hotel right by the show at the last minute. This room had 3 beds and it was literally right next to the show. And the weather was in the 60s-70s which is outrageous for this time of year! Last year, my parents were shoveling snow before opening their trailer each year. This year, they were in short-sleeved shirts at times.

So, we were very blessed to have gotten the opportunity to go and we had fun. Mark had an absolute blast and it was so much fun to see him having fun.

And....surprise! I took pictures!!!

Here is my mom and dad's trailer and set-up:


Here is Mark. After I took the picture, he turned to me and said "you didn't just take a picture, did you?"


My dad:


Mark looking oh so h-a-p-p-y once again:


My dad being oh so busy:


They used a tractor for a shuttle bus. I thought it was so cool :):


Mark telling me not to take a picture:


Mark coming after me when he realized that I did in fact take a picture:


Mark inside my mom and dad's trailer:



My dad, mom and Mark helping a customer: