And here we go.....

Aunt Flo decided to arrive a day early. That means I ovulated on CD10 and had a 24-day cycle. Never in my life had I had a cycle that short or ovulated so early.

I called the clinic today like I was told to. At first they did not want to go ahead with the cycle being we didn't have the contract yet. However, I knew the contract was definitely on its way and should be here in the next couple days.

So, I kind of begged to just let us go ahead and I guaranteed I would fax them the signed contract as soon as I got it and that I would fax over a copy of the contract so they could see it. Okay, actually my mom would because I didn't have a fax machine (thank you Mom! :))

AND THEY SAID YES!!!

So, on Monday, we will have our FIRST ultrasound and lab work on our way to bring our nuts home!!!

As I type this, I seriously have tears in my eyes. We are so grateful.

God is so good!

The next Vanna White

Thank you all for your support! You guys are so amazing! (((HUGS)))

I have to share you these pictures. It was so cute to see Draven's "obsessiveness". :)

I give you the next Vanna White:

What a witch!!

I must tell you about my day yesterday.

Aunt Flo is due for a visit on Saturday. I'm obviously very welcoming of her visit this month. :) I'm just not real happy with her right now as she sent over my Cousins Bloating, Fatigue and Cramping a few days early. Normally their visit doesn't bother me so much but yesterday, it was a really bad visit.

I can count on my hands the number of times I have actually been sick from AF. Where nothing helps, not Pamprin, Tylenol..nothing. I actually get to the point that I'm vomiting. Yesterday happened to be one of those days.

I'm not complaining and don't want you guys to think I'm a "wus". I actually think I have a pretty high tolerance for pain. I once fractured my rib in gymnastics and competed in a meet 2 days later and competed 3 years in gymnastics with a seriously injured back. So, I think I have a pretty high tolerance for pain.

Anyway, to get onto my story, my Cousins were really bothering me with their visit and yesterday at 11, I came out to tell Mark I was taking an early lunch and was going to lay down. I came out to find him seizuring in an insulin reaction. His sugar was only 32 (normal is 70-120).

Have you ever sat with a carton of sherbet feeding it to someone when all you want to do it upchuck in the bathroom?

Luckily Mark came out of it within half an hour and he was the best husband and tucked me into bed. After taking a half hour nap, the Cousins visit was more bearable.

I had a meeting for work that I had to go to at 2 so I went down there. Unfortunately my Cousins came with me, but I had to go. At the end of the meeting, my boss gave me a card.

After the meeting, I was planning on going over to Labor and Delivery to visit my friend, K, who was admitted overnight with contractions (she isn't due until the middle of May). I called Mark to make sure he was okay to which he said "we'll talk when you get home". Of course that didn't sound good.

I went to L&D thinking I would be fine and emotionally thought it would be okay. I wanted to be there for K. I honestly wasn't prepared for the constant fetal monitoring, hearing the heart beat and the baby moving. After half an hour (I didn't stay long because I was worried about Mark), I left and started crying immediately. It was way too much for me to hear the fetal monitoring and a dam burst.

In the car, I finally opened the card from my boss. The front of the card said "hang in there" with a cat hanging from a wire. On the inside, the card thanked me for all my hard work with the new transition of our new system being put in and a gift certificate for a coffee place. But what was so amazing was that the front of the card was EXACTLY what I needed at that time.

God knew that was what I needed to hear.

Granted the card had nothing to do with what I was going through at the time, but I needed to hear "hang in there".

I got home and Mark knew immediately I had been crying. After holding me for awhile, I found out that Mark had had 10 minutes of severe chest pain while I was gone. I felt horrible. We decided that we wouldn't go into the ER unless it happened again. Luckily it didn't.

But, Mark being the sweetest husband he is, took my hand and said "I know this journey wasn't what we planned for, but I made you a promise, and I will keep it"

And you know, deep down, I know he will. He promised me a baby and I know some way he will bring it to me, whether here on Earth or while he is an angel in heaven.

And when he told me what he did, it was like a calmness came over me. I was able to dry my tears and be able to put the day behind me...all with a tremendous love for the best husband ever and a God who will never leave my side.

God works in mysterious ways and if we listen, He is always there to show us He cares.

Draven overnight **warning, cute girl pictures**

I might be a little biased, but I think Draven is just so darn cute! One of the cutest babies ever.

Saturday night we got to have her overnight and it was soooo nice. We had such a good time. I played with her and then rocked her to sleep. I sang to her and she stared at me. When I stopped, she would wimper, so I had to keep singing despite Mark telling me not to quit my day job. :) But I think she loved it.

I put her in her playpen at 8:30. At 3 in the morning, I woke up wide awake and missing her so much. I actually wanted her to cry so I could go pick her up. I know...I have a lot to learn. :)

At 4:30 she woke up and I gave her a bottle. She didn't want to go back in the playpen, so I just had to lay with her on the couch and we snuggled until 7:30 in the morning. It was soooo awesome. She is such a good baby.

I played with her basically the whole time, took pictures (of course :)), and held her. When I had to give Mark his shot or cook or something and set her down, she would cry for me and, although I hate seeing her cry, I gotta admit it really melted my heart. :)

It tore at the heart strings to have to bring her back to her grandma and grandpa. But, they did tell us that we would get to do it again. Yay!

Here are some pictures!


Mark and Draven


Me and Draven. I know...the picture isn't centered but I absolutely LOVE her smile in this picture!


Me and Draven (centered).


She's even got the cutest butt!!


She's our little cheerleader!


Isn't that smile the greatest?


Her sweet curls in the morning. I love em!


Draven and I snuggling in the morning

Tyler's hockey game

Second, I've been told that the contract was mailed today. It could be that as of now we are the official parents of our "nuts". :) I'm just so overwhelmed and it's still so surreal what Kami and Steve have given to us...what an amazing couple. You will all hear us screaming in joy when we have that contract in our hands. :)

Okay, now to the point of this post.

Tyler plays hockey and Saturday was the last tournament Mark and I would be able to go to. They ended up winning! Yay! The team won a trophy! We were all so proud of them.

Now Tyler isn't the most aggressive player, but he was able to hit the puck a few times! You should have heard us all screaming! The second game he was told he would get dessert if he hit the puck. I think that was some serious determination. :)

Even Chad, Ajay, Adelaide and Sam were able to come so we got to see them, too!

Here are some pictures:

Here is Tyler having a snack in between games. He thought he was hiding behind his water. :):


Mark, my dad and Peyton (yes, Mark is very happy):


Peyton and my mom:


Adelaide and Mark watching:


Sam and I watching:


Me and my girls (Peyton wasn't happy because she was "sick"---probably due to drinking a little too much OJ----but according to her she was "sooo" sick :)):


My mom and Sam:


Adelaide and Peyton (I think Peyton was feeling better now):


Tyler playing hockey:


Here is the team. They took a team picture but I didn't get there in time, so this is the "team" picture:

To "Carrie"

I was recently reading Kami's blog when I read this comment "Carrie" made on her blog:

I'm not trying to be rude at all, but I can't understand how someone who suffered from infertility and now has TWO healthy babies could be depressed???? I just don't get it. I can't wait for the sleepless nights, a baby crying, heck, even stretch marks!! I too am on the infertility path and can't imagine being depressed after having a baby.

This pissed me off.

Now it's no secret that I obviously have a lot of love for Kami and Steve. Maybe that's why it pissed me off so much, but really, if I would've read that on anyone's blog, it would've pissed me off.

Granted, I've never been pregnant and I've struggled with infertility for 6-1/2 years. And yes, I can tell you that I am looking forward to sleepless nights, crying baby and stretch marks....I'll take it all.

I'm also scared to death of postpartum depression. My sister suffered from it. I've suffered from depression and I'm already so scared of PPD...terrifed.

Because anyone can suffer from it...whether you've struggled with infertility or not. No matter how much you love your baby. Whether you have a good baby or a "not so good" baby.

The fact is, postpartum depression is caused by a chemical imbalance. It's from the hormonal balance of pregnancy.

And I would like to share what I found on the internet that explains it better than I could:

The rapid hormonal changes that accompany pregnancy and delivery may trigger depression. After childbirth, women experience a big drop in estrogen and progesterone hormone levels. Thyroid levels can also drop, which leads to fatigue and depression. These hormone dips—along with the changes in blood pressure, immune system functioning, and metabolism that new mothers experience—can all play a part in postpartum depression. It has been theorized that women who are more sensitive to these hormone imbalances develop postpartum depression.

Add the hormonal changes to the fact that you have the physical pain you're dealing with from the delivery, lifestyle changes, sleep deprived, feeling overwhelmed, etc. Take into consideration that Kami had twins and TWICE the hormones, TWICE the sleep deprivation, TWICE feeling overwhelmed, etc.

You get the picture.

Kami, I love you. I'm amazed at your STRENGTH and how WELL you are doing sweetie! You're doing a GREAT JOB!!

Please head over to Kami's blog and give her some encouragement.

And to Carrie, if you don't know what you're talking about, please don't say anything.

A nice surprise

Today my dad surprised me. While Mark and Peyton were out on a walk, he stopped by the house.

He gave me these 4 roses in honor of our babies in heaven:


And he also gave me a Golden Book of Butterfly Kisses (that song was sung at our wedding and has always been special to the 2 of us) and a card:


Of course it brought me to tears, but they were happy tears that he thought of me. It's those out of nowhere surprises that mean so much, especially when others remember our babies.

Love you Dad! Thank you for making my day

Our third baby...

Okay, so after yesterday's post, Mark and I were talking. We're adopting 3 embryos, so really we need to have 3 names for our precious "nuts".

That sounds bad, but you know what I mean. :)

Anyway, we've got peanut and hazelnut. We thought of "cashew" and "almond" but I really wanted to have "nut" in there.

We had trouble thinking of one.

I thought of beer nut.....then quickly decided there was no way I was ever going to nickname our baby beer nut.

Then, Mark came up with what we have decided our third precious embryo will be nicknamed.

Drum roll please.....

It is.... lugnut! :)

Not really goes with the theme but as you know, Mark loves cars so this is perfect for him and with the look on his face, I couldn't say no. He was so superexcited!

So our third embryo is named "lugnut".

What really got me was when Mark looked at me and asked "we aren't really going to seriously name our child that, are we?"

I said "Honey, it's a nickname".

Mark said "Oh, whew!"

I have no words.....

Getting too old....

It breaks my heart to realize how big Tyler and Peyton are getting. They are growing up way too fast.

Here is a picture of Peyton and her Valentine's box from preschool. I was amazed when I learned that she wrote her own name on her box.


Seriously?? I remember when she was just born! How is it that she can be writing her own name?

Here is a picture of the Valentines Tyler and Peyton gave to Mark and I.


Again, wrote them out themselves. I remember when Tyler writing his own name was "TP". Now he can write MY name. How is it even possible?

I just wanna freeze time so they don't get any older.

Oh, and I was thinking this weekend. You know how we've nicknamed our baby the peanut? Well, I've been wondering what we should do if we happen to get pregnant with twins. You can't really call one baby Peanut #1 and Peanut #2....well, I suppose you could, but I want to be more original.

So, I thought of another name in case that situation happens.

If we by chance are pregnant with twins, one will be Peanut and the other will be.....Hazelnut. :) Kinda catchy, huh? :)

In honor of my sweetie...

In honor of Mark and Valentine's Day, I want to share one of my favorite blog entries. It shows how much we've been through together and I can't imagine going through it with anyone else.

Here it is:

I’ve looked back at Mark’s and my time together and I realize there have been a lot of tears.

“The doctor says my kidneys are failing. I’m either going to need an insulin pump or a kidney transplant.” Sadness

“I’m going out on a limb here and I have a feeling the limb is going to break. I want you to be with me forever.” Joy (what a proposal, huh? :))

“Tammy, I’m so sorry to have to tell you this. Mark’s kidneys are failing rapidly. We need to start dialysis now.” Sadness

“The surgery went great. We can start dialysis immediately and he’ll be a new man for your wedding in 2 months.” Joy

“The blockages are so bad that we can’t do an angioplasty. We need to do bypass and we need to do it quickly.” Sadness

“The surgery went great. Mark even gave us a thumbs up!” Joy

“I’m so sorry to have to tell you this, but there is a problem with Mark’s brother’s kidney. The transplant has to be cancelled.” Sadness

“Mark, I want to give you my kidney. I want to give you the best Christmas present.” Joy

“I’ve been dreading this phone call. Mark’s heart is very weak. Before we can do the transplant, we need Mark to be evaluated by a heart transplant surgeon to see if he needs a heart transplant before the kidney transplant. I’m so sorry.” Sadness

“The risk is very high, but I don’t think you need a heart transplant. I think the important thing is getting the kidney transplant and that will help your heart.” Joy

“There is a 50/50 chance something will happen in the surgery. We will have a cardiologist right there, but we’re warning you that there is a high risk something will happen.” Sadness

“The surgery went wonderful. Scott and Mark are doing great. The kidney is already producing urine!” Joy

“Mark’s had a heart attack. We need to transfer him and get an angiogram done as soon as possible.” Sadness

“The blockages are too bad. It’s too much of a risk. The bypassed vessels are completely blocked. I’m sorry, but there’s nothing we can do. We need you guys to think about getting evaluated for a heart transplant.” Sadness

“At this point, things look pretty good. You aren’t in need of a heart transplant.” Joy

“My period came. I’m so sorry, honey.” Sadness

“I got my smiley!” Joy

“This is the best I’ve seen you, Mark. You’re walking good. You’re looking good. And you’ve actually got a sense of humor! I think things are going wonderful and I really don’t see any changes we have to make.” Joy

With the tears of sadness, comes tears of joy.

Tyler's school birthday party

This will be the last time Mark and I will ever offer to help at Tyler's birthday party.

Just kidding! :)

I have to admit, though, and I think my sister and brother-in-law would agree...I do have much more respect for Tyler's first grade teacher and just wanna give her the biggest hug.

Tyler's school birthday party was February 5th. He invited 6 of his friends from school. Not so bad, you would think. In all honesty, it wasn't too bad and my sister only had to get the first aid kit out 4 times and only one girl was crying every 10 minutes.

Not bad at all.

We had fun. :)

Here are a few pictures.

Here is a picture of one of the games we played. It was hot potato, but the "potato" was kryptonite as in from Superman and you had to get away from the kryptonite as soon as possible. Tyler's "theme" was superheroes, so that worked out really good:


Here they were piling on top of each other. This was when they were "controllable":


Here is a picture of one of the girls and Peyton:


Peyton wasn't too happy all night. I think she was upset that it was Tyler's party and not hers, even though she says there is no jealousy in her world.

Here is a picture of Mark. I'll let you guess what he's trying to say to me:

If you guessed "Don't take my picture".....yeah, you got it right.

Here are the kids eating:


You know how when you graduated from high school and looked at pictures from when you were little and in grade school? In 10 years, those kids will be looking at this picture and laughing at themselves. Kind of wierd to think that, but that was the first thought that came to my head.

Peyton and Mark. I'm telling you, I think she was one j-e-a-l-o-u-s little girl.


Tyler blowing out his candles:


Tyler opening up his gifts:


Peyton trying to hit the pinata:


Here is my sister and probably the only belly picture you will ever get from her....that is until I'm pregnant and she'll be taking a belly picture with me. :) I can't wait!!

Blog Award

I received another blog award from Michelle! Thank you sweetie!!



Here are the rules for the award:

~Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.

~Copy the award and paste it to your blog.

~Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself.

~Nominate 7 bloggers that you love and link to their blog. (I already nominated 7 bloggers from this blog previously, so I'm going to skip this step :)).

Okay, here are the interesting things about me:

1. My dad and I love Perk.in's bran muffins. We love them because we "love a good cleanout"....and we talk openly about it....yes, we are sick people.

2. Whenever I clean my office, I can never find anything I need and I wish I hadn't cleaned.

3. When I was young, we had a racoon come into our house. My dad went and grabbed the gun to shoot it....then realized he was in the house and it could do some damage.

4. I would love to be on "Sur.vivor" or "The A.mazing R.ace".

5. I love the Brow.nie Earth.quake from the Dai.ry Que.en

6. The first thing Mark said to me when he met me was "You're even quieter than I am!" and I responded with "Well, what do you want to talk about?" and then he shrugged....and we didn't talk for an hour after that. Talk about love at first sight. :)

7. I'm scared to death about losing Mark. I don't know what I'd do without him. He's my rock and I love him so much it scares me.

Letter to our niece/nephew

Dear Jealous,

I know that’s not the best name for you, but it’s the name your sister has picked out for you right now. I promise that Mommy and Daddy have a better name for you and when you come into this world, they will share it with all of us.

You have been a wonderful surprise to all of us. When Mommy told me about you, it was an emotional time for both of us. We are all so excited for your arrival!

You’re going to love your brother, Tyler. I admit, he has his moments with temper tantrums and stuff, but he is a very good kid. He has the most special smile and a laugh that just makes you want to laugh with him and make him laugh even more. I love going to his school and picking him up. When he sees me, he breaks into a huge smile that just melts my heart. The moment doesn’t last too long as when I ask him how school was, he tells me “Not gonna tell ya!”. Can you feel the love?

Then there are his crafts. Tyler loves his crafts so much. He loves making cards for people and I love getting his cards. I know he works so hard on each card to make it so special for that person. The time and thought he puts into each card makes it so special.

You’re so lucky to have Tyler as your brother. I’m sure he’ll be making you lots of cards.

And then there is your sister, Peyton. She’s the one you named you. Don’t be too mad at her. She’s only 3. She’ll be 4 when you’re born. You guys will have birthdays very close together!

Peyton has a way of wrapping around your finger. She knows how to do it. She’s sneaky like that. She gives the best hugs and kisses. I’m sure you’ll get lots of those from her. I also believe she has a special gift. Whenever someone is feeling down or discouraged, she always seems to be drawn to that person. She’s sitting on their lap or talking to them and just trying to make them feel better. She doesn’t like to see anyone crying or hurt.

She is an amazing little girl and you’re so lucky to have her as your sister. She’s going to try to protect you from hurting as much as she can. You're in good hands with her.

Oh, and I gotta tell you about your Uncle Mark. He has some health issues and isn’t able to work, but I don’t think you’ll have another uncle who will love you more than he will. He loves Tyler and Peyton so much and it brings him so much joy to see them, play with them and spend time with them. He isn’t able to do as much as he would like to, but what he does do, he gives it his all and there is so much love in his actions.

And just as a little information, Uncle Mark is the pushover. If you need anything at all, go to him. It took a little while for Tyler and Peyton to learn that, but they know it now. I wanted to give you a little heads up on that. But don’t tell Mommy I told you that. I don’t know if she would want you to know that so early in your life.

Your Uncle Mark and I are trying to bring you a little cousin who will be just a little younger than you! We’re trying so hard. We hope we’ll know in the next couple months. If we don’t, when I see you, I might have some tears, but I want you to know that it’s not because of you or because I don’t love you. In fact, the opposite is true. I will be filled with so much love for you when I see you. One day, I hope I can explain those tears to you in a way you’ll understand more. But, hopefully I will never have to and you’ll have a little cousin to enjoy instead.

I pray for you every day. I hope and pray you will arrive safe and healthy. I already know you will be bringing so much joy to all of us. Thank you for being you. I can’t wait to meet you, sweet baby. You’re so blessed to have the mommy, daddy, sister and brother you have. The rest of your family is pretty special, too, but I think we’re the blessed ones to have you in our lives.

With all my love,

Auntie Tammy

Grandparents

Just as a warning, Mom, I think this post will make you cry.

I don't know if I'm the only one, but when I was little, I loved sitting in my grandma's lap. No matter how "bad" life seemed to be, crawling into my grandma's lap and just sitting there was so comforting, like everything was okay. Grandma was always there and going to her house was a special treat. Of course, Mom and Dad were always really good too :), but there was just something special about Grandma.

I've been missing my grandmas a lot lately.

It's sad, but I was never really close to my grandpas. My grandpa "B" died when I was in sixth grade and it's so sad that I really don't have a whole lot of memories of him. I really wish I did. I do have one memory when I went up to him crying because my brother hit me and he said "Well, hit him back!". Not exactly the greatest memory you want to have, but I'm grateful I have that. :)

My grandpa "G" died suddenly in 1998. Grandpa wasn't much for showing love and emotion. In fact, I remember hugging and kissing him twice in my life, which were so wonderful and I really cherished those 2 times. I wish there would have been more. I do know he loved Grandma and he was a very loving man despite not showing emotion. One of my greatest memories was seeing him in the barn surrounded by our dogs and him petting both of them with their tails wagging so hard. I know my grandpa loved me even though he had a hard time showing it.

I was very close to my grandmas and I really miss them. My grandma "G" died in 1991, just 2 days after Christmas, and there isn't a Christmas I don't think about Grandma. The last year of her life, I would spend weekends with her. We would play "Flinch" while she laid in her hospital bed she had at home. I would brush her hair and we would eat meals together. We only lived a mile away from them and I ran cross country in high school so when I ran, I would usually run to her house and see her. My dad had cattle at their farm, too, and when he went up to check on them, I would go with him and we'd see Grandma, then, too. I miss her.

And then there is my Grandma "B". I think I was the closest to her. She passed away in 2004 from a stroke. I honestly don't know where to begin with Grandma "B". I have so many wonderful memories of her that I really can't put them all here. I'll tell you Mark's favorite memory was when we would drive past his house in my convertible with the top down....she loved having that top down. Mark said it was so neat to watch us looking so carefree and happy.

When I first got out of college, I worked my work schedule around so that I could spend one full day with her and I'm so glad I did that. We had so much fun. I would tell her stories and we would laugh our heads off. Sometimes I would shock her with some stories and her mouth would fly open in shock. I loved shocking Grandma, although after awhile, nothing I said anymore seemed to shock her. We laughed, we cried, we had so much fun. She always wanted me happy and I remember one time when Mark passed out in my parents' driveway and I was screaming for help, when I got one look at her face, the look on her face made me realize she would take away my hurt in a second if she could.

And then there was a time in about 1998 or so when she had a heart attack. We were on a picnic and she started getting chest pain. She was hurting so much and my mom and I each took her hand. She was so white and in so much pain. I started crying. I remember she squeezed my hand and said "Don't worry, Tammy. I'll be okay". I remember it like it was yesterday.

I know if she were here with me now, she would be so excited to hear that we wanted to have a baby. She would be our biggest cheerleader, asking questions, wanting to know how things were going, etc. I also know I would see that same look on her face that she was hurting with us and would take away that hurt in a second if she could.

What I wouldn't give to be able to hold her hand and cry to her, be a little girl again and crawl into her lap and for a minute, the world would be okay.

I have a copy of the memories I shared of Grandma "B" at her funeral framed in my office surrounded by pictures of her. Sometimes I'll look at that and just wish I could ask her if everything will be okay. I can picture her wanting to squeeze my hand and tell me it'll be okay, just like she did before.

To my grandparents, thank you for showing the wonderful love and support you always did. I miss you so much. I know I'll see you again in heaven and I'm so blessed for that. Thank you for watching over me and my family.

Okay, Mom, did it make you cry? :) Love you!

Adelaide and Sam

For Christmas, I ordered T-shirts for my nieces and nephews from Serendipity Bees. We were all very happy with the T-shirts. She also made matching bows for the girls. They were adorable!

Here are Adelaide and Sam in their T-shirts. Sam's says "I'm the Little Brother" and Adelaide's says "I'm the Big Sister".




Aren't they sooooo cute?? I know they take after their Auntie Tammy. :)

Earrings through the eyes of a 3-year-old

On Saturday, I had Peyton pick out the earrings I was going to wear. She picked out these:


They are the earrings I won through Jen's contest and I absolutely love them! Needless to say, I was very happy with her choice. :)

At first, she wanted to help me put them in. I wisely decided against that and told her she could watch me. After I put them in, she was admiring them and touching them.

Peyton: That's a bird nest with eggs in them!

Tammy: That's right, sweetie! It is!

Peyton: They are so pretty!

Tammy: Yes, they are pretty.

(Peyton continues to touch and admire them).

Peyton: I have a question, though.

Tammy: What's that, sweetie?

Peyton: When are the eggs going to hatch and have birds flying all over the house?