Consult with our RE

Today we had a phone consult with our RE in Michigan. This was the first time I had the courage to call and talk with him about things.

And, really, I didn't hear anything I didn't already know. But, I admit it was nice to hear from the doctor himself about things.

Here is what he had to say:

--The embryos were of great quality and were expanding nicely right before the transfer and everything looked great. He was sure we would have at least 1 baby and was shocked we didn't end up pregnant
--The embryos just didn't continue to divide and died inside me. It didn't matter that it was my uterus. It could've been anybody's and they would have still died. There was nothing I did wrong. Some embryos just don't turn out to be babies.
--The next step is either donor eggs or donor embryos
--The MI clinic doesn't have a donor embryo program. They said they would call if someone wanted to donate but Kami was their first patient they have ever had donate embryos in their clinic.

So, I really didn't learn anything new, but like I said, it was comforting to hear from the doctor and hear from him that I didn't do anything wrong and that it wasn't me. It was sad talking about how the babies died. I felt like we should be talking about how they are growing inside of me.

As nice as it is to hear I did nothing wrong, I still wanted answers. I wanted to know something I could do different as a mother. I want answers as to why my babies died, just like any mother who has lost a child. I just want to know what happened. So, I hung up the phone feeling pretty discouraged and down.

Basically now, our future is just waiting and seeing what happens. It's all in God's hands. I can handle that.

I just wish I knew what happened and had answers and it gets me down and discouraged that I don't have that.

But I know what I DO have:


A wonderful husband who loves me unconditionally and my best friend


Our precious Draven who is so very special to us


Our dear Sam who gives the best hugs and is such a sweetheart


Our very, very special Peyton, Adelaide and Tyler who make the world glow just with their precious smiles


And our dear, most precious James who has brought so much joy to our lives just in his short time of being here with us

And all my family and friends who stick by me through thick and thin and everything. I am so very blessed.

So when I don't get the answers I want or feel so discouraged, all I need to do is look around and realize what I do have rather than what I don't. I am lucky and God has given me so much.

I also have to include a few more pictures that I think are so cute.

Here is proof that Peyton takes after her Auntie Tammy. She's busy working on her laptop. :):


And you all know how hard it is to take a picture of kids and get them all to look at the camera at the same time? Well, once again, I had trouble when taking a picture of these 2 "kids":

First Mark was looking at the camera and Adelaide wasn't


And then Adelaide was looking at the camera and Mark wasn't.

Sigh....

Peyton graduated!!

On Tuesday, Peyton graduated from preschool!! We are all so proud. My sister had talked to her in the morning about it being a big day and that she was graduating. I love her response: "But I'm not moving out, Mommy"

Kids say the cutest things. :)

Here are pictures:


Peyton getting her diploma


The proud little brother, James


Peyton showing off her diploma


Mommy and Daddy with the graduate


The proud auntie with the graduate

Our memory garden

I first want to thank you all on the wonderful, supportive comments from my last post. I was expecting to get negative comments and was so honored to get so many positive comments. Thank you so much! (((HUGS)))

In memory of our babies, Mark and I decided we wanted to do a memory garden. Mark came up with the plan and away we went. He did such an awesome job of planning it. Our brother-in-law used to own a florist and did a lot of landscaping so he did most of the work and did a fabulous job.

We had planted a tree back a couple years ago in memory of our babies we had lost. We wanted the memory garden around the tree. The tree wasn't really doing good and our brother-in-law didn't think it would make it. We thought about transplanting another tree but decided it wouldn't be the same and if the tree didn't make it, we'd figure out something then.

I kid you not, the day after the memory garden was built, buds started really coming and there are leaves on the tree now! It's looking really pretty good. We thought that was really cool. It was like our babies were trying to reach out to us. It really meant a lot.

Here are some pictures as the memory garden was being built:

The before picture



Digging the heart around the outside of the tree


Setting the junipers where we wanted them


Putting the wood chips in


Putting the bricks around the trunk


The rocks we put in the center of the tree in memory of our 7 IVF babies


The finished product. We will be putting cement blocks under the bench so I'll post a picture when that is done :)


We also planted these 3 bushes in memory of Peanut, Hazelnut and Lugnut

We also did a lot more landscaping and I'll be posting those pictures soon. We did a lot of work. :)

We absolutely love our memory garden and love going out there and just sitting. It's a place that we can really feel close to our babies and we love it.

The honesty comes out....

I was debating about posting this. I wanted the focus of our new nephew to be a very happy, joyous time for this miracle addition to our family.

I also want my blog to be honest and a place where others can read and realize that they aren't alone. I want to be able to help others.

I'm afraid this post may hurt or offend some people or they may not agree, think I'm selfish, etc. But, I beg you to read this whole post before passing judgment and even then if you feel the same way, I hope you realize these feelings are my feelings and this blog is my blog.

Quite a few people have asked how I have been doing with our new nephew. I want to say thank you for thinking of me. It really means a lot.

I admit, I had been worried about the day my sister had her baby and how I would react with it. I can tell you, it wasn't at all because I wasn't excited about our new nephew....not at all. I was sooooo thrilled and excited! As most infertiles know, it just can be a little hard and a little sad going into an OB Department to hold a baby....a place you would love to be yourself, have come so close to being, and going there when you've had a loss brings the grief back and you grieve your loss. At the same time that you are so happy, you are sad and then feel so guilty and selfish for feeling sad when you should be feeling so happy.

I can tell you, there was absolutely no way I was going to miss seeing my nephew in the hospital. Nobody could keep me back. At the same time, walking in there was a little tough...I admit that. Seeing him for the first time was precious and holding him was so very precious.

When I handed him to Mark, that's when I was really sad and the tears came. Seeing him hold our nephew just got to be too much. I wanted him to be able to hold our baby and that was something I couldn't give him. I had my back to everyone so nobody could see me crying, but soon I had to leave. My mom saw me crying and had tears in her eyes and kept telling me it was okay.

I felt horrible I had to leave. I felt selfish and so very guilty. I was so angry at myself that I couldn't put my feelings aside just for a minute to celebrate this wonderful event for our family and my sister.

I came in soon after, hoping nobody had noticed I was gone. One look at my sister told me otherwise. She immediately asked if I was okay and I saw the tears in her eyes. I hugged her so hard while both of us cried. I felt so bad and selfish that I had made her cry and made her feel bad on such a joyous day.

I really feel guilty and selfish.

I didn't want to cry. I didn't want to have my sister cry. I wanted this day to be all about her and not have others wonder how I was doing or feel they had to walk on egg shells around me. I honestly was so excited about the new baby, so happy for our family, so grateful for the family I have.

And yet, I was sad. I missed my babies, I grieved them. I wanted to be in the hospital only months after my sister. I was a grieving mother. It had only been a month since I lost our babies.

I'm sure some people are reading this and thinking that yes, indeed I was selfish. Very rude.

Sometimes I would agree with you. Other times I would disagree, saying I'm just a grieving mother who just lost her precious babies only a month ago and I'm just guilty of having an incredibly strong desire to be a mom.

One verse that keeps coming to my mind is this:

Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who are rejoicing. Cry with those who are crying.

Some may disagree with me, but I feel I did that and I feel my family did that. We were all so happy that day. So incredibly happy and thrilled to see James come into our lives. And yet, for a moment, my mom, sister, Mark and possibly the whole family cried with me. It's not that we fixated on that by any means. Our focus was on James and the blessing he is.

I'm so blessed to have my family and be as close to them as I am. They've walked with us every step of the way through our infertility journey and Mark's health issues, etc. I couldn't be more blessed to have the family I have. We've always been so close and I'm grateful.

I'm grateful they are so understanding. They don't judge me for being a little sad on such a joyous occasion. They grieve with me. They cry with me. All at the same time that we are rejoicing and celebrating such a huge, exciting time in our lives. And they understand and know how much I love my nephew more than anything in the world, how I wanted to be there so much and how much my babies mean to me and how much I miss them.

I wanted to write this out to let people know that it's okay to have the feelings you have when you're struggling with infertility. That you aren't selfish...you just have a strong desire to be a mom and it's okay! Your feelings are your feelings and it's okay! You're not alone. So many struggling with inferility ride a huge emotional roller coaster....a roller coaster that a lot of people don't ride, but sometimes we're very fortunate and blessed to have friends and family who watch the roller coaster ride and can see your ups and downs and are there to catch you if you fall. Even if it's a hard fall, they can still soften your fall.

I am so blessed.

And here are a few pictures of our beautiful nephew, James Willis:


Mark and James


James and me


James with auntie bib :)

I'm an aunt again!!

My sister had her baby! They had a baby boy. They named him James (middle name still undecided as far as I know right now). He was born at about 12:40 this afternoon (May 19, 2010). He was 9 pounds 6 ounces! A very big boy! Danielle did great. I'm so proud of her for bringing our beautiful nephew into this world.

Here are pictures!


Me, Mark and James


Me giving James a kiss


Mark and James


Adelaide, Peyton and Sam playing on the floor


Peyton, Matt and James


Tyler, Matt and James


Peyton, Tyler and James. Peyton has a "I'm the big sister" shirt and Tyler has a "I'm the big brother" shirt that we gave to them for Christmas. :)


Sam, Adelaide and James


Sam, Adelaide, Peyton and James


Chad, Sam, Ajay and James


Chad and James


Sam with his pretty headband applying some lip gloss


My dad with James


My mom with James


Danielle and James

Why do the innocent questions bother me so much?

I go to a hair salon every 8 weeks. When I originally made my next appointment for May 18, I remember thinking Wow..I could be telling "H" I'm pregnant next time! I specifically remember thinking that. I hadn't told her what we had been through but it was exciting to think I could be sharing some really good news.

Well, we all know how that panned out. :(

Just as some background information, my stylist "H" is the husband of my sister's boss and also the same salon my sister goes to. It's how I started going there.

Anyway, I get there yesterday and the shampoo girl brings me back. The first question that comes out of her mouth is "So, anything new and exciting happening in your life?"

Of course I want to sit there and cry. What I had hoped to answer that question with wasn't possible. It didn't happen. So, I swallowed the lump in my throat and just said "No, not really."

Then she said "Well, sometimes not having anything big happening is a good thing."

You can imagine how that made me feel. I know she meant no harm by it at all and I don't blame her. It's just sad to me how an innocent question can make me feel like crap.

Then, I get moved out of her chair to "H"'s chair. The first thing that comes out of her mouth is "So, no baby?"

My heart sank and of course my mind is going a million miles a minute thinking How did she know? Did my sister say anything? That's kind of a rude way to bring it up? How in the world do I respond?

Then, in a split second, I realize she's talking about my sister and I say "Oh, you mean Danielle. No, no baby yet."

But, I gotta tell you, for a split second when my mind was racing with those questions, it was the worst moment of my life. I hated it. I just wanted to cry and smack her for being so inconsiderate.

And yet again, it was an innocent question, meaning no harm and had she known what we had been through, she would've thought of a different way to word it. "H" is about the sweetest person you'd ever meet and she would've felt horrible if she would have known how it affected me.

It hurts me that the little, innocent questions can hurt so much. Why am I always on egg shells? Why do I always want to cry? Why do I always hurt?

Update on Chad and Ajay

A little while ago I asked for prayer for my brother and his wife who are adopting a girl from Ethiopia. I wanted to give you all an update as I feel in a way my readers had a hand in this and wanted to thank you for your prayers in helping our niece!

Shortly after I posted asking for prayers, our niece was moved to another orphanage! Yay! That was a big answer to prayer so thank you so much for your prayers!!!

I'm going to copy a lot of the e-mail that Ajay sent as she writes so well and it's in her own beautiful words. I've cut out some details that needs to be confidential but here is an update:

The last court date on May 12th was our fifth court date and we heard back that it was denied because it was scheduled by a petition made from the old orphanage and they could not honor that petition because the old orphange no longer exists legally, so they said they could not hear the case because a new petition would have to be filed from the new orphanage. So it was dissapointing but really not a huge set back.

We're still just so thankful and excited that she has been moved to this new orphanage. When we heard she is settled in to a new orphange and and a very reputable director there who has put the children as his TOP PRIORITY this was such a relief and such a blessing. So I think we're still just living off of thankfullness that our prayers for that situation were answered and that it has all taken place so quickly. Our case manager was just in Ethiopia and she said that there were 3 other girls [niece's] age in the new orphange too, so [niece] should have some friends there with her!

As far as a new court date, we haven't heard of one. We usually get the new date right away, but being the new orhpange needs to start over with a new petition, we don't know when that will happen. It shouldn't be long I would guess. I'm going to try to be patient but I'll probably call Thursday if I haven't heard anything yet.

You mentioned you wanted to update your readers about how things were going. Thanks...that's great! That is so nice that your friends want to hear about it! I'll welcome any prayers anytime!

Then, I received this from her today:

I just got another bit of information today saying CWA's lawyer has actually spoken with the judge and it sounds very favorable that if these men come to the next court case as witnesses that it should pass! Things are looking very positive that it should pass. (we'll let you know when we get the date.)

Thank you again everyone for your prayers and for thinking of them! It means so much to our entire family.

Peyton's 4th birthday

Saturday, May 8 was Peyton's 4th birthday! I can't believe how old she is getting! I remember when she was born!

And what birthday wouldn't be complete without a party at Chuck E. Che.ese's. :) It was a lot of fun and I'm so glad I went. I admit, it was a little hard at times seeing all the sweet kids having so much fun but there was absolutely no way I was going to miss Peyton's party. :)

Of course I have pictures. :)


Peyton showing off that she is 4


Tyler


Chad, Sam and Adelaide playing with the balls game (not sure of the name of it)


And Peyton thought if you can't get the balls up there, you just walk them up there


Peyton's cakes


Here Peyton is with her cake


Here she is getting mad at me for taking another picture as she was only allowing one picture


Peyton and her cake with the candles lit


My mom and Adelaide


Peyton opening up her gifts


My dad with Adelaide and Sam


Adelaide and I


Sam and Adelaide

We did try to get a picture with all 4 kids and you can imagine how that went.

First, none of them were looking at the camera and Tyler had his arm up by his face:


Then we got Tyler to put his arm down but he was crying. And the girls weren't looking at the camera. But Sam was!:


Then Tyler was still upset, Sam wasn't looking at the camera anymore, Adelaide still wasn't looking at the camera and neither was Peyton, but Peyton was smiling!:


Then, Tyler had had enough and none of the other 3 were looking at the camera. At this point, we realized it was probably a lost cause to get a good picture: