Golfing with the boys

Chad and Peter both have a birthday in September. So for their birthdays, we took them out golfing. We don't do it very often so it's a special treat when we do. It's amazing when we can all get together with our schedules!

The boys did play a trick on the way there. I was the one driving so they decided to be real "funny" and put on helmets:



They are so funny that way.


Mark and I on the course. Mark has a hard time swinging the club so he just rides with


Chad and Peter


Peter


Chad relaxing


Me golfing. Shortly after this, I threw the club. I seemed to throw the club more than I did hit the ball. That's the way my golfing is. :)


Chad talling up the scores and realizing he can't count quite that high...just kidding. :)


Mark and the boys

So precious

You guys never cease to amaze me

I’m always amazed at the amount of support I get from people around the world that I’ve never met.

You guys never cease to amaze me.

I’m always surrounded by so much support. So many people are there for me and have done so much for me and I want to thank you! For those who have sent gifts, cards, e-mails or just commented when I needed it most, thank you!

I do have to share this as I feel this was God working His way through people and it really opened up my heart and mind.

I have to tell you a week ago, I wasn’t in the best place. Although I wasn’t working as much overtime as I was, I had just found out that our gymnastics practices were going to increase, I was booking more craft shows, we still had to do our education for our home study and our social worker wanted as much of the forms as we had done so I was trying to put those together. Mark’s appointments had also taken a backseat while we were trying to get the house ready for the home study and we were trying to get those taken care of. I was feeling extremely overwhelmed.

And yes, I know...just wait until you have a baby, then you’ll know what “overwhelmed” is. I can totally hear some people saying that and, trust me, I do understand that.

But, I was feeling overwhelmed that day. I had so much going on and so much to take care of. And to top it off, someone made some comments to me that really bothered me. Not to worry, it was no one reading this blog, otherwise I wouldn’t mention it. And what was said doesn’t need to be repeated as it could spark a debate and it’s not necessary to bring it up. It’s done and over with. It doesn’t matter.

But, that’s what threw me over the edge. I was overwhelmed and upset and needed to talk to someone and not just anyone..someone who “got it”. A Christian infertile who would just listen, let me cry and be neutral and honest.

So I called this person and cried and just let it out. And she was wonderful. Even though she has a young child and I know she was going through a lot herself, she acted as if I was the only thing that mattered at the time. She was honest and told me I was wearing myself too thin and I agreed with her, but I also knew we were coming up with big expenses so I knew we needed money at the same time.

The next day I got an e-mail from her saying she was thinking of me and told me she had started to say something and forgot but would let me know if she thought of it. Not too long after, she e-mailed me saying she knew I was concerned about the money but that if it was meant to be, God would provide it, whether it was through extra hours, gymnastics, etc. He would provide it and I just had to be open to it.

That was what I needed to hear. It was like a complete changeover in me. No longer was I feeling overwhelmed but grateful. God was providing the money in wonderful ways. I could earn extra money by working extra hours at home when I felt like it. I was coaching gymnastics, something I absolutely love and have wanted to get back into it for a long time. A big craft show that we had been on the waiting list for all of a sudden called and we were able to get in. Little things like that that had overwhelmed me all of a sudden made me realize how lucky I am and what great opportunities I had.

And all because of a wonderful friend who I’ve never met but I really hope to some day. I won’t say her name in case she doesn’t want me to, but I just had to share this story to show how sometimes the littlest things you say may not seem like much but can mean the world to someone else and can change their day.

Thank you

The ones who make my world

Tyler age 7 years



James age 4 months



Peyton age 4 years



Three very precious kids (aren't their shirts cute? :))


Tyler and Peyton. When posing for this picture, the photographer asked Peyton to sit on Tyler like a pony. Then Tyler said "I don't think that's necessary". It was so funny and we all laughed so hard.

Love you Tyler, Peyton and Jamie so very much. You make my world and every day is brighter because you're in my life.

Our baby boy is home!

Doogie came home yesterday afternoon! He was still really sleepy from his surgery so he was really pretty calm.

He gave us a true gift when he walked into the house. He literally walked in and did a number right there.

I should've taken a picture and shared...I thought of that later.

Yeah, I would've shared it with you guys.

He's doing great and has been so much fun! We keep accidentally calling him Eddie though....I know that'll get better though.

One thing Mark said was that Doogie would never sleep in our bed. Well, last night when we went to bed, of course Doogie jumps on the bed right away and I told Mark it was up to him to get him off because if it were up to me, he'd stay.

One look of Doogie's sad eyes and Mark couldn't say no.

It was great. :)

It is wonderful to have a dog again, especially a snuggler. He's so precious.

Our home study visit

I can tell you upfront that the home visit for a home study isn’t as bad as you think. People kept telling me that, but I didn’t believe them, and I should have.

First she showed up a little early but not as a big deal as we were ready for her anyway. But then she wanted to use our bathroom and of course my immediate thought was is there toilet paper? Is there enough? Oh my goodness, I don’t know!

Isn’t that wonderful? My first thought when seeing the social worker was about toilet paper.

So she sat on our couch which we later realized gave her the perfect view of our Precious Moments display case which ironically was the one thing we forgot to dust. So she sat for three hours staring at a pile of dust...wonderful, huh?

Anyway, we started out with the joint interview and the questions were mostly about how we felt about disciplining children, if we would be open to interracial or international, how we would explain to the child about adoption, our day care plans, etc. Just a lot of questions to make sure we were prepared. There were a-l-o-t of questions but really, there is no wrong answer. I realized quickly that if we’re just ourselves and not try to “impress” our social worker, it would work out the best for us. We were just completely honest and spoke from our hearts.

Then, she interviewed us separately, although we were right there together still. She just asked each of us what our families are like, what our childhood was like, Mark’s past marriage and relationship with the boys, etc. Mostly just how we were raised. But again, a-l-o-t of questions.

Then, we went through the forms to get licensed for foster care. I didn’t realize it at the time and I was confused as to why we were getting licensed for foster care. However, as many people know, the birthmother does have a slight period of time where she can change her mind and then the baby would be given back to her. Hopefully that never happens, but if it does, we need to be licensed as foster parents to take care of the child for that period of time.

Oh, I so hope that doesn’t happen.

But can't think of that.

So, after that we went through all the documents she needed and the list just seemed endless:

medical/physical exam report for Mark and I
certified copies of birth certificates
marriage license
Mark's divorce decree
proof of insurance including liability for home, automobile and medical
list of 5 nonrelative references
all police and crime checks
proof of rabies vaccinations for all pets in the home
your most recent US tax forms and WI state tax forms
proof of employment
SAFE questionnaire 1&2....just lots of questions
financial statement
fingerprints done
Effects of Infertility worksheet

Plus we have to do 16 hours of adoption education covering these 10 competencies:
1. Understanding of Adoption & Impact on Parenting/family dynamics
2. Understanding of Issues for Child in Adoptive Placement
3. Understanding of Loss & Grief for the Adoptive Family
4. Understanding of Attachment Issues in Adoptive Placement
5. Understanding of Support and Resources for Adoptive Placement
6. Understanding of Cultural Sensitivity in Adoption
7. Understanding of the Effects of Abuse and Neglect in Adoption
8. Understanding of Legal Issues related to Adoption
9. Understanding of Children that come from an Institutionalized Care Setting
10. Understanding of Educational Issues in Adoption

We've obviously been busy getting things together and done.

Anyway, after she went through all that, we had lasagna and a little lunch. It was so nice and comfortable.

After lunch, she did a quick 10-minute tour of the house and that was it. Of course we had forgotten to clean out one room which happened to be the room filled with Mark's car boxes and it is a disaster....oops.....so that was slightly embarrassing. Otherwise, she said it was nice and our yard was huge. She was very impressed with how big the baby's room is.

So, after 3 hours, she was gone and we were exhausted. Now, keep in mind, everything we covered is usually done in 3 visits but because we live so far away from the agency, she did everything she could in 1 sitting. We sure appreciated it but it got to be a lot to take in and we were so tired.

We did go out to celebrate afterwards and then called it an early night. :)

So, there ya go! That's our home study visit in a nutshell. If anyone has any questions or would like to talk, I'm always available!!

Introducing.....

our newest addition to the family:




His name is Doogie. He's getting neutered next Friday so we can't take him home until then but we've met him and fell in love with him right away.

He's a Pug/beagle mix.

Here is the description of him:

Doogie is a one year old, Pug / Beagle mix. He is an energetic little fella. He is eager to learn to things, and is most often persuaded with treats. It is a good thing that Doogie is of the smaller size, because he likes to snuggle in your lap. Doogie is anxious to show you what a great dog he is!

I've always wanted a dog to snuggle with me in my lap (Eddie was way too big :)), so that was a big thing for me.

Honestly, it was a little hard going there to see him and in some ways felt like we were betraying Eddie but we also know we need a special baby and Doogie can fit the bill. We still miss Eddie so, so much and think about him all the time.

But we love Doogie, too. Mark's nickname for him already is M.D. You know, from Doogie Howser, M.D. :)

I'll definitely post pictures when we finally have him home. :)

A post from 2 years ago....

It's been an emotional weekend. We're just thinking, that's all we can do.

I found this post from 2 years ago after we learned our babies didn't make it. It's made me feel a little more positive and I know soon I'll feel that positive again.

Just not today.

Here it is:

This is part of what I sent to my family and friends and I wanted to post it here, too:

When we first got the news, we were on our way to a toy show. I was crying so hard I had to pull over and Mark and I held each other for the longest time. I felt so angry and kept asking "Why?". I was angry as I watched other cars being able to "travel forward" past us while we in a sense had to "turn around". Our parents had graciously taken our stuff and went to the show for us. It was pretty symbolic that we had to "turn around". I still ask why. I don't understand why we have this trouble and I feel we've been through enough.

But, what gives me comfort is that I know there is a reason. Before now, I had never thought about donor eggs...just like before I met Mark I hadn't thought much about organ donation. Yeah, I thought it was good, but I didn't know so much. I've heard from quite a few people that after they've heard about Mark going through everything he did, they realized how important organ donation was. I had written letters into local papers to get the word out. I feel honored that God chose us to help get the word out and it's something I feel extremely passionate about even now.

I feel God is doing the same thing here. Maybe He needs me to help get the word out about donor eggs and embryos. It may be possible that that may be the only way I get to carry a child, just like the only way Mark could live a normal life was through an organ donation. It's ironic that Mark has needed a donor and now I'm possibly in need of a donor. I don't know God's plan but I know His plans are for the good of me, not the bad. I trust Him and if this is the way to serve Him, I can do it. This doesn't mean it doesn't hurt....it sure does, more than anything has in my life. And I'm worried about the milestones we're about to hit, like when my period will come, when we should've had the pregnancy test, Christmas when I should've been pregnant, our Disney World vacation when I wasn't supposed to be able to ride the rides with the kids because I was pregnant, etc. Those will all hit hard....but I know with God's help, I can get through this.

I can tell you one thing, we're not giving up. It must be the Gustafson side in me, maybe the Berglund side. Well, when you put those 2 together, it can be dangerous. :) When you put a Gustafson/Berglund with a Wondra man....well, that's not good. :) I did tell the nurse at the office today that we weren't giving up and she smiled and said, "Neither are we." That meant so much to me. They really make you feel like a person and not just a number.

Through all this, I can tell you that I feel so blessed to have the marriage I do. What started out as a marriage and a love, has turned into a special bond that no one can understand. We've been through a transplant, heart attack, many other surgeries and now years of infertility with a failed IVF. Yet through it all, Mark and I are more devoted to each other than ever. Many couples can't handle infertility....we have among other things and have gotten stronger because of it.

For those who made it through this, kudos to you. :) Thank you. I felt led to say these things that were on my heart. There is a reason for everything. My mom sent me something not too long ago that said "Think of the last worst thing you've been through and realize you did get through that and you will get through this too." Sooo true. Thanks Mom...I love you. :)

Thanks again for all your support and love. We wouldn't be where we are today without it. Please continue to keep us in your prayers.

Love, Mark and Tammy

Two years ago...

I have a ton of posts swimming in my head and things I need to catch up on. I've been really lagging a lot.

But this week, my heart has been with our 4 IVF babies. It was 2 years ago that we were undergoing IVF. Tomorrow was 2 years we had our retrieval, Saturday was 2 years that we got our first phone call saying 4 fertilized but weren't dividing and it didn't look good. And Sunday was the devastating phone call telling us our babies didn't make it.

So for the next few days, I want to repost some of my posts from back then in honor of our babies. I put my thoughts into words so well back then.

Here is the letter I wrote to our babies shortly after we got the news they were in heaven:

To our babies,

The day we started our IVF, I looked forward to knowing you were inside my tummy and hoping and praying that in 9 months you would be born healthy and happy.

I'm sad it didn't turn out that way we had hoped but I'm happy you guys are in heaven and safely sitting on Jesus' lap.

I don't regret doing the IVF at all. Your daddy and I loved going to the ultrasounds and watching those follies grow. We knew we were watching our babies grow. Every shot, bruise and all the side effects were worth being able to see you guys.

I regret that I didn't get more pictures at the ultrasounds. If I would have known those were the only pictures I would have of you guys, I would have had them print out as many as they could every time we went in.

I also regret that I was never able to have that feeling of knowing you guys were in my tummy. I never had the feeling of "being pregnant until proven otherwise". I really wish I could have had that chance and I'm sad that I wasn't able to. In some ways I feel like I failed you as your mommy because I wasn't able to get to that final step where you would know you were so loved and where you could feel the warmth of love from my tummy and heart.

I wish I could have done more. I feel like a bad mommy because I wasn't there to protect you. I feel like I should have driven down to the lab on Saturday when there was still a little hope. As your mommy, I feel I should have been there. I know there was nothing I could do, but as your mommy, I wanted to protect you. I'm sorry I couldn't do more. I hope you know how many people were praying for you guys. We have so many friends and family who love us. There was so much love around you guys that day.

Please know that even though we only had you guys in our lives for a few days, for those few days, we had so much hope and love and we couldn't stop thinking about you guys. We wouldn't give that up for anything.

I know one day we'll see each other again. I know Jesus is holding you tight in His arms until Daddy and I see you again. I know you guys are in the best hands you can be, but I'm jealous that Jesus gets to hold you before I do.

I know Jesus has a plan and I know you guys know that, too. Jesus has probably already shared it with you. I know you don't understand why I'm so sad when Jesus has such great plans for me. I know it's hard to understand. As much as I know it'll all work out for the best, I miss you guys and I really wish I could just hold you-just once.

I'd do this all over again if we had another chance. I'd do it in a heartbeat and I'd do as many shots as I needed to. I would just make sure I would get more pictures at the ultrasounds and I would ask more questions to the nurse during it so I could see you guys longer--just in case those were the only times we would get to know you.

There isn't a day your daddy and I don't think about you guys. Our hearts ache and we have never felt this kind of pain. We know you don't want us to be sad and it's hard to understand why we can be so sad when you guys are so happy. We are just hurting knowing we can't see or feel you every day. I guess you can say you have a selfish mommy and daddy.

Please watch over us our dear angels. Show us the way to go next. Please give us the strength to be able to carry on. We miss you and love you more than you can ever know and we can't wait to see you guys and hold you in our arms.

With all my love forever,
Mommy

What has been taking a lot of my time.....

Well, other than work, the endless pile of paperwork for the homestudy, appointments, watching kids, it's been...

coaching gymnastics!!

I coach every night after work but Wednesday which is our Awana night at church, so we have something going on every night. It's been tiring at times but for the most part, I absolutely love it! The best part about coaching gymnastics is that I get to coach Peyton for a class! She LOVES gymnastics and it's so much fun to be her coach.

Here are a few pictures of her class:

I have a class before Peyton's, so Mark and Peyton come with me and hang out in another room playing games and eating McDonald's.


Peyton in her leotard


Here we're stretching. I'm in the yellow shirt and Peyton is in the pink leotard


Here we are in our "train". We make a train when going from station to station.


Here I am helping Peyton with her bridge


Here is Peyton jumping on the trampoline


Here is Peyton at the bar with the head coach, Cassie

I promise I will still be writing a post detailing our home study visit! I just thought I would share these pictures as Peyton is just so cute!

Oh, and we get Jamie Bean overnight tonight!! Woohoo!!!

Here is a picture of him relaxing and just chilling out:


Isn't he just the cutest thing EVER?? I love him so much. He's so precious!

I'm still alive

I’m still here. I apologize for the absence.

I’ve been really busy between working, coaching gymnastics, going through the paperwork for the home study, doing a toy show, watching kids, etc.

But, if I’m being honest, I’ve been feeling down. Well, if I’m being completely honest, I’ve been feeling like a failure.

I feel like a failure and I’m embarrassed because I can’t get pregnant on my own and I can’t even get pregnant using perfect, wonderful, beautiful, precious donated embryos. It seems everyone else can get pregnant and I can’t. I have to rely on other people to help make my dream of becoming a mother a reality.

Please, please, please don’t get me wrong. I am extremely grateful for the opportunity we have and as I’ve said before, and I truly mean it, no matter how we get a baby is so precious to us and any baby is a gift from God and I really mean that.

I just feel like a failure and it’s hard to completely explain without making me sound ungrateful and selfish, like nothing can make me happy.

People have told me that once I have the baby in my arms, it’ll all be worth it, that DNA won’t matter and I’ll know this baby was always meant to be my baby. I honestly believe that and that’s what keeps me trucking, because I know the outcome will make me the happiest I can ever imagine.

And I know my dream of carrying isn’t over. That is still an option and I’m extremely grateful for that. And honestly, the DNA isn’t that important to me. I just wanna carry and be pregnant, to feel the baby inside me and to have that connection.

It’s times like this I really miss Eddie. He would always make me feel better just being there and letting me pet him and hug him and he would calm my heart. I miss him so much.

And I miss my IVF babies. It was 2 years ago that we were undergoing our own IVF cycle and when we found out that there was most likely an issue with me. This month our 4 IVF babies went to heaven. They would be just over a year now if they were here on Earth with us.

I miss them.

I know this makes me seem bitter, selfish, ungrateful, etc., but please know that I’m very grateful for our opportunities. I’m just feeling a little down and discouraged, like a failure and I’m embarrassed, even though I am very grateful.

I’m so confusing, I know.

I will be posting more about our home study visit in detail as quite a few people showed an interest in knowing more so I will definitely do that. Hopefully it will help ease others minds or help them prepare for their visit.

I want to thank you for all your support and love. I don't know how people do it without their blogging network.

(((HUGS)))