To my blogger friends

To those who have struggled with infertility, have their babies and continue to be here to support me.....thank you

To those who have been blessed this year with their miracle.....I'm so very happy for you

To those who continue to struggle and once again have a Christmas with empty arms.....you're in my thoughts and prayers

To those who are in the TWW....I hope and pray this is your time for your blessing you so richly deserve

To those who don't struggle with infertility but follow my blog and continue to support me....thank you

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU ALL! We are so blessed to have you in our lives.

I would also like to share our Christmas letter we sent out to family and friends this year:

The 14 Wondra Questions of 2010

1. In 2010, we have:
a. Traveled to Las Vegas, Detroit and the North Shore twice
b. Thought about going to the Interstate Park
c. Walked to the end of the driveway to get the mail
d. All of the above

2. In 2010, our youngest son, Peter:
a. Graduated from high school in May (yay!) and is currently working
b. Is thinking about going to school for music production
c. Is a “Ghost Adventures” fanatic so when he comes over and we watch it, we don’t sleep for a week
d. All of the above

3. In 2010, our oldest son, Chad:
a. Has continued to work as an auto mechanic
b. Is still living in St. Louis Park and loves it
c. Has stayed out of trouble with the law by avoiding speeding tickets, poles and other cars….so far
d. All of the above

4. In March, we traveled to Detroit, Michigan:
a. To undergo a transfer of embryos we adopted
b. Where we met 2 wonderful blogger friends and their babies
c. For the prime reason of meeting up with Aaron when he went to the Final Four for hockey that weekend….not really, but had to make him feel better
d. All of the above

5. Unfortunately, we have had losses in 2010:
a. Our dear dog, Eddie, passed away suddenly on August 24, 2010
b. Our baby embryo, Hazelnut, passed away during the thaw of our embryo transfer
c. Our 2 baby embryos, Peanut and Lugnut, passed away after their transfer to their mommy’s tummy and we found out they went to heaven on my birthday, April 18, 2010
d. All of the above

(In memory of Eddie and our embryos, we have included pictures in our card. We miss them and love them so much.)

6. We have had new additions to our family:
a. Our 8-year-old niece, Bemnet, was brought home from Ethiopia to her dad, Chad, and mom, Ajay, and siblings, Adelaide and Sam.
b. James Willis was born on May 19, 2010 to Matt and Danielle and proud siblings, Tyler and Peyton
c. Our dog, Doogie, who is a Pug/beagle mix with a bit of stupidity
d. All of the above

7. We have had our special days during the week including:
a. Our special Peyton days on Wednesdays
b. Our special James days on Fridays
c. Our special coma-state Mark days on Saturdays
d. All of the above

8. In September, Mark:
a. Had surgery to have his defibrillator battery changed for his heart
b. Had a slow recovery due to excessive bleeding
c. Shocked everyone when indeed a heart was found
d. All of the above

9. I continue to work:
a. At home as a transcriptionist for St. Croix Regional Medical Center
b. Selling Avon and handmade blankets and cards
c. Well, “work” is debatable
d. All of the above

10. I started a new job as an assistant gymnastics coach:
a. 6 days a week in St. Croix Falls and Amery
b. Have immensely enjoyed being back in the sport
c. As a result, my new best friends are Tylenol, ice, bubble baths and my chiropractor
d. All of the above

11. We continue to sell cars at toy shows and:
a. Do about 10 shows a year
b. Enjoy the time we spend with my mom and dad at toy shows
c. Mark seems to buy more than we sell
d. All of the above

12. We continue on our baby journey and God continues to open the door for us including:
a. Adoption and we are currently in the middle of a home study
b. Using donor embryos again
c. Asking Fed-Ex for a special delivery
d. All of the above

13. In 2010, we became godparents:
a. To Draven Route
b. To Micah Worrell
c. And we couldn’t be more proud
d. All of the above

14. We wish you all
a. A wonderful 2011
b. Lots of good health and happiness
c. Much gratitude for getting through this crazy letter
d. All of the above

Love,

Mark, Tammy, Chad, Peter and Doogie

If you get all the answers right, you get a prize of a free sleepover with Doogie! (Hint: all answers are “D”!). Please contact us to claim your prize!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!

Our RE appointment

Yesterday we had our appointment with our RE for our consult for the embryos we’ll be receiving in January.

Which is a week away.

Wowsers. :)

It went so well. For the first time in a very long time, I had hope. He said as soon as we receive the embryos, we’ll be able to set a transfer date right away and go from there. He also said that once we get the listing of the sets of embryos, we can fax it to him and he will give us his medical opinion about our best chances with each set and go from there. He said he wants us this for us and is willing to do anything. I know it’s in God’s hands but to be told that he’ll help us and give his best medical opinion is just awesome to us.

We also talked about me. I figured the fact that I had a failed FET with 2 perfect embryos was just “bad luck” but I wanted his opinion. He looked in my huge chart (in fact, I have 2 charts) and he said that I definitely have an egg issue and I have crummy eggs (yeah, definitely needed that reinforced to me), but he said I have a beautiful uterus and lining and he says he can’t see me having any less of a chance getting pregnant with donor embryos or donor eggs than anyone else.

He also showed me the Michigan’s clinic’s stats of this year which showed that of 10 FETs, 3 had live births. He told me I just happened to be one of the 7. I figured that was the case, but to hear it from him actually made me feel more relieved. And to be shown the actual stats also made me feel better.

He was very supportive and knows we are very anxious to get going.

Everyone there recognized me and was saying hi and how good it was to see me back. They said it had been too long and they were glad to see I was on the road again. I’m sure you all know how they all become so much like a family. It was good to be back "home" again.

I admit, these past few weeks have been so hard. I find myself crying just out of the blue, some days feeling like my heart is going to bounce out of my chest and some days finding it a struggle to even just breathe because emotionally it hurts so bad. I knew as the due date got closer, it would get harder and harder and I’ve prayed for months that God help me get through the holidays and my due date.

He answered my prayers. He always does. I don’t think it’s any coincidence that when we got on the list this summer and were told it would be at least 2 years, that 6 months later and around my due date, we would be preparing and hoping once again. I don’t know how I would be doing without that hope once again.

Thank you for your thoughts, prayers and emails. It means so much!

It’s so unbelievable to me that perhaps in a couple weeks, we could be choosing our children.

That deserves another Wowsers.

Poor Peyton

I want to say thank you so much for your support with my last post. It really means so much. I'm so blessed to have you guys in my life.

For those on FB, you might already know that Peyton had hand foot and mouth disease. :( She was soooooo sick last week. I'm happy to report she's feeling much better and doing so much better.

Some of you have already seen this picture, but I wanted to post it here to show just how miserable poor Peyton was.



Bless her heart...even when she was so sick, she still smiled:


She's such a sweetheart. I'm so glad she's feeling better. Love you Peyton!!

I want my babies back

I haven’t been feeling good the last few days and whenever I’m not feeling tops, my mind races and things seem to get to me more, so that might be part of how I’m feeling.

I miss my babies so much. I want them back.

Last spring, when we had our FET, I had already fallen madly in love with our embryos months before. From the minute Kami and Steve asked us to adopt them, I fell in love. And not one person can convince me that they weren’t babies. I saw the pictures. I’ve met and seen tons of pictures of Sam and Mia, my babies’ siblings who came from the same set of embryos. I’ve seen hundreds of blogs who have had babies from FETs. Not one person can tell me that our embryos weren’t babies.

And I want them back.

I know they are living the most perfect life right now. They have never felt pain. They have never cried a single tear. They’ve never been hungry or thirsty. They have always been happy. They are in the company of angels and my loved ones who are taking such wonderful care of them.

And yet, as their selfish mother, I miss them and I want them back.

I know I could be 9 months pregnant right now, feeling their kicks and hiccups, probably complaining that I’m so uncomfortable and can’t wait for the pregnancy to be over. Maybe I would be on bed rest.

I could have given birth already. I could be holding my precious baby/babies. Finally, I could have the Christmas I always dreamed of...the one that I no longer had empty arms.

And yet, it’s another Christmas with empty arms.

Most days I can look to the future. I can know that it’s all meant to be. I know there are great plans. I know things happen for a reason.

Other days, like this week, I just want my babies back.

I know it’s not the case and I know there are other people in the same shoes as me so please don’t take offense to this: But, sometimes it just feels everyone else can have their babies, everyone else can keep their babies, everyone else can “move on” and I’m just plain stuck. Stuck on this emotional roller coaster and those ups and downs are just getting so old.

Not that I’m not so happy for those who have their babies and have “moved on”. So, very happy. I know so many people have struggled so much and it’s always a good feeling when the struggle for a baby is over for people and they get to move onto the next phase and although so relieved and such an exciting time, we all know has its own ups and downs and stress with having the baby.

I just wanna be there. Relieved, excited, with a different stress and ups and downs.

I want my babies back.

Another sign there is a God....

I have to share this story as this shows how God works. I love hearing stories like this.

My mom has a new job. :) It might be a little too much for her and a little out of her "range of knowledge" so to speak so she's going to give it a little time before she officially takes it but the fact that she has something is amazing!

And what's more amazing is how it came to be!

First, thank you for your thoughts and prayers for my mom! It means so much!

A couple weeks ago, my dad ran into my mom's cousin. He just asked out of the blue if my mom was looking for a job. My dad told him that she had one and that she wasn't looking at all. My mom's cousin told my dad that it sure was too bad as he thought she would be really great for the job.

Fast forward a week and a half and my poor mom gets laid off.

My dad remembers that conversation and the day after my mom gets laid off, she calls her cousin. He's super excited and contacts the company who asks for my mom's resume.

She had an interview today, they loved her and the job is hers.

Wow, huh? :)

God is good. :)

The job isn't exactly what my mom is looking for. She thinks it's "out of her league" and might be too complex and it's full-time. She has been part-time and having a couple days as "Grandma Days" and she really cherishes that. She actually got really choked up talking to me when she was talking about how much she was going to miss the kids.

My mom is the BEST mom and grandma ever. :) Her family is always her top priority.

But, she also realizes how blessed and lucky she is just to have this opportunity and that there is a reason. Things just fell into place too much.

God is always talking to us and providing. It's pretty cool. :)

I won't complain about Doogie's smelly farts again....

...although Mark says he will. :)

Poor Doogie tested positive for Lyme's and Ehrlichiosis today.

Yesterday morning he seemed to be a little "off" at breakfast but we didn't think too much about it. By the afternoon, he was just laying on the couch and wouldn't move at all. The only thing that would move was his tail when we walked by and petted him.

Awwwwww. :)

It felt like dejavu from when Eddie was sick. It was scary to us. I had to keep reminding myself that this was Doogie, not Eddie and that Doogie is just a pup, not an old dog with tumors. I kept trying to convince myself that everything would be okay. This is Doogie not Eddie. Doogie is a totally different situation.

He couldn't walk at all. I had to carry him into our bed last night to sleep. He snuggled right up next to me and I just held him all night. If I tried to move him, he would whine. We were really nervous and I didn't sleep well all night. It was just too much of a similar situation that we had with Eddie. The difference with Eddie was that his gums were pale and his limbs were cold and Doogie's weren't so I was pretty certain he wasn't dying.

Yeah, that could've been me overreacting but when you go through what we went through with Eddie, I think we have every right to "over react".

You can bet I called the vet right away in the morning. They opened at 8:30 and I started calling at 6--just in case they were in early. Luckily, we were able to get in at 9.

And the memories of Eddie came flooding back again as we carried Doogie out to the car and wrapped him in the same blanket as we did Eddie. But, it was an amazing feeling to be able to bring him home with us.

The vet said he would feel better after a couple days of antibiotics....it was more like a couple hours as he was back to his jumping self.

And Mark was back to saying "No Doogie! No licking! Get down! Stop it! Doogie!!"

Awwwwwww, I love it. :)

And I'll cherish those smelly Doogie farts....at least for a little while. :)

My life in bullet points

I hate doing these kinds of posts, but lots has happened so right now I'll do it this way and then write more later.

--My mom was laid off on Wednesday. :( So sad and unexpected...a total shock. She's really hurting and as most know, I'm very close to my mom and dad as well as my sister and this has really shaken the whole family. Such a horrible time of the year, too.

--Still haven't heard about the home study and she had promised us she'd have it done by the first week of December. I know they say no news is good news, but in this case, I doubt it.

--We have an in-home visit with the Can Do Canines for the service dog on Monday at 10:30! Finally we're doing something with that. :) We've been waiting f-o-r-e-v-e-r.

--Doogie is sitting by me and just farted....wonderful.

--My aunt was recently hit by a car. :( She was so lucky and only suffered a broken foot in 3 places. Then it was a couple days later my uncle (her husband) ended up in the hospital for an allergic reaction. He was so lucky as his mouth and tongue were very close to being so swollen, cutting off his air supply. If they hadn't arrived to the ER at the time he did, he probably wouldn't be here. So scary. We're just glad everyone is okay. I'm very close to them, too.

--We're still on for the embryos in January!

--I'm getting more and more down every day as the holidays get closer. Gosh, I miss my babies. Sometimes it's so hard just to get out of bed. I miss them so much. I know they have a wonderful life in heaven, but I wish they were here.

--It still smells from Doogie's farts...his are n-a-s-t-y. :(

--I'm still working lots of overtime and coaching gymnastics. I'm staying so busy but it's definitely worth it.

I plan on getting caught up on all your blogs this weekend. :) Miss you all!

An online baby shower for Lyndsey!

Lyndsey is a very special friend of mine. We go waaaaaay back. Back to when we were cycle buddies on my second IUI which was 4 years ago.

And she's always been there for me and now is there for me in a way that words can't even express.

She and her husband are the ones who want to donate embryos to us.

Lyndsey has had a very rough pregnancy. She hasn't been feeling well at all. And she had the devastating loss of her mother earlier this year. Lyndsey doesn't have much family support and had moved earlier this year and it's been a struggle for her and her family.

And so I thought we could be the family and the support she doesn't have and show her how special she is. She has given me so much hope and love and I want to show her some hope and love back.

I'd like to throw her an online baby shower. Lyndsey is registered at Babies-R-Us under Lyndsey Williams. I also have her address so if you would like to send her something, please email me at tammywondra @ yahoo . com (just put them together). Of course, I won't give out her address until I'm absolutely 100% okay with it and if there is any question, I'll ask Lyndsey if it's okay.

Please help me show her some love! She's a special friend of mine and she has given so much to us. I know donating embryos is the most beautiful, selfless gift anyone could ever do and I also know it's gotta be a very, very hard decision.

Please email me wtih any questions you have or anything!

Thank you for making this so special for Lyndsey! I know she appreciates it so greatly!!

My Black Friday

I always look forward to Black Friday, mostly because of the bonding with my mom and Tyler and Peyton. Yes, we're crazy women like that. And this year, we added Jamie to the mix. It was his first Black Friday!

Poor little guy.

We live just a couple miles from Wal-Mart so the kids and my mom spent the night at our house. Jamie wasn't the best sleeper....well, he would sleep but wouldn't transfer to his play pen so I spent most of the night rocking him and dozing off in the rocking chair.

If I'm being honest, I was exhausted but I loved it. It was so sweet. But it sure made for a loooooong day.

And the day started at midnight at Wal-Mart. And because Jamie wasn't sleeping, we brought him with. At first I felt like a horrible aunt until I saw other infants up there....then I felt better. But still, it totally wasn't worth it.

It was clear that God didn't want us up there at midnight. We specifically went for storage totes that were on sale....they ran out within minutes. And I tried to get some kids clothes....waaay too many people and it was a madhouse. Then tried to get some movies...same thing...waaay too many people. Then a guy smashed my finger between his cart and my cart. He felt horrible, but I just smiled and said it was okay. It still hurts so bad.

Definitely not worth the trip. So, we went back home and I rocked Jamie to sleep again while my mom slept.

Then she went up to Wal-Mart at 5:00 for a couple things. That was a much better trip. I then took the 6:00 trip to Menards which is a few miles away from our house.....again, much better trip. I picked up donuts and went home.

As soon as we all had breakfast, we headed out for the Cities. There, we went to Target, Joann Fabrics, Kohls and walked around the mall for a little bit.

And we were beat....put lack of sleep with running around crowded stores with 3 young children, one an infant, and you've got 2 exhausted women.

We got home about 2. Our plan was to decorate our house with Tyler and Peyton and I couldn't let them down. So we went ahead and decorated.


Putting up the village. I told Mark not to get me in the picture because I was tired and crabby and just wanted the kids in the picture. Of course he didn't listen to me.


Peyton and I putting up the wreath


Peyton with her reindeer ears on

After they left, I ended up falling asleep for an hour. Then woke up to a phone call from my mom wondering if I wanted to go to the movies with my brother, Aaron, and the kids. Really, the only thing that sounded good at that time was my bed and I thought for sure I would just snooze through a kid's movie, but I couldn't say no to quality time with my brother and the kids.

We went and saw "Megamind" and it was h-i-l-a-r-i-o-u-s! Sooo funny! Definitely did not fall asleep and had a great time. The kids had a wonderful time and it was fun to go with my brother and spend time with him.

I got home at 9 and I was in bed by 9:01. Okay not really, but it didn't take long. I was beat.

But it was the best feeling ever. I had the most absolute best day.

Wordless Wednesday