I'm still alive!!

I want to thank you so much for all the great ideas! I've been sooo busy getting things organized and putting these ideas into action. I've also been very busy getting the paperwork done and pictures collected for our profile. Things are really starting to move along!

Sooooo much to do.

Last night, we had a dinner we had to go to and looked pretty good so we had a photo shoot to get some pictures for our profile with the help of Tyler and Peyton. Bless their hearts, they tried so hard to take good pictures. It took awhile but we finally did get some.

Here are some of Tyler's pictures:


First, he cut off our heads


Then we were a little blurry


Then a little off center


Then Mark's trying to tell him that his finger is over the lens...

And of course, Peyton had her turn:

She cut off our heads


Not just once, but twice...


And 3 times with my head...

But the kids did get some good pictures too. :)

Tyler's:



Peyton's:


And then one I took that I like:

I need some brainstorming ideas!!

I’ve been doing some research and googling and found a few ideas for raising funds for adoption. I’m hoping to send out an e-mail to friends and family soon to let them know our story and ways they can help. I don’t want it to sound like we're begging for money of course and only want them to help if they want to and to have it be fun for them as well.

I’m also planning on clarifying that we are doing everything we can to raise money ourselves so they know we’re not just asking for money. I’ve been putting in about 55 hours a week at work, plus coaching gymnastics during the week and that money is going into the peanut fund. Plus, the money from our toy shows also goes directly into our peanut fund.

Being some of you have been through this, I wanted to run some of the ideas I have with you guys and see if you have any other ideas:

Yard sale: If anyone has new or gently used items they would like to donate, we would greatly appreciate any donations and we would pick up

Bake sale: The same day as the yard sale. Anybody can bake things and donate for that day.

Facebook page: I made a Facebook page called “Wondra Peanut Fundraiser” to get the word out.

Scentsy fundraiser: A wonderful friend, Jamie, has offered to donate proceeds from her Scentsy for the month of June! I think that is sooooo nice of her! I’m planning on giving my family and friends the link for that.

Mother’s Love scratch cards: There is a website of a mother who adopted who does Mother’s Love scratch cards. It’s like Bingo cards. Someone picks a spot on the card, scratches it off and then donates to your adoption fund what it says under the scratched area (ranges from $0.50 to $3).

Parents Night Out: We’ll baby-sit people’s kids for a night for a donation of their choice so the parents can have a night out.

Baby bottle fundraiser: We give out baby bottles like a piggy bank and then people can give put in their spare change or whatever they want for an amount of time.

There is also a coffee website (Just Love Coffee) designed specifically for adoption where people can purchase coffee and then some of the proceeds goes directly to your adoption fund. But, when I checked out the site, I’m not sure how current it is.

I’ve thought of T-shirts, but not sure how they would sell and don’t want to order and then be “stuck” with them and actually lose money.

I don’t want it to seem like we’re begging for money or anything and again, want it to be fun or something that they can something out of it, too, and not just “handing money”.

Does anybody have any experience with some of these? Other ideas? Thanks!

To our precious nuts

To our precious nuts,

It’s hard to believe that I would have been in my second trimester with you guys. You would have had a beating heart, fingerprints, a tongue. I know I would be soon finding out if you were a boy, girl or one of each.

I sit here and struggle with words to tell you how much I miss you. I know you guys couldn’t be happier. I know you’re standing in the most glorious place ever surrounded by so many people who love you. I know you’re being hugged and loved so much by your grandpa and great-grandparents. You’re so blessed to be in their presence and I know they are taking such wonderful care of you and your life couldn’t be better.

The truth is, though, we miss you. We miss you so much some days it hurts.

We know things happen for a reason. We know God has plans for the good of us and not plans to hurt. But, I admit some days I wonder how these plans can’t possibly hurt.

Some days are easier than others. Some days I know I couldn’t provide you a better life than you have now and I know you’re more than okay. Some days I can do research on adoption and be excited about it and know that we can provide a baby a good home with loving parents. Some days I can be happy.

Other days, I realize the reason we are pursuing adoption is because we lost you guys and it breaks my heart.

It’s the milestones that hurt the most. When I hit yet another “week mark”, when I know that I would have been in my second trimester, when others are hearing their baby’s heartbeat and I would have been there too, when others are preparing the nursery and I would have been there too, when I’m just not there and I know I would have been.

Some say I need to focus on the future and “forget” about the past. How in the world do people expect me to “forget” about my children? I can’t. I just can’t do it. You guys will always be a part of me. I will always think of what “could” have been.

I know that we have adoption and I’m excited about that. I really am. I also know that I will never forget you guys for as long as I live. When we adopted you guys, we grew 3 hearts, one for each of you. For each child, we’ve grown another heart and when we adopt, we will grow another heart. But you guys will always have a heart in us.

We love you guys so much. You’re constantly in our hearts and minds. There isn’t a day we don’t think about our very precious nuts.

With so much love,
Mommy

Celebrating our 10-year anniversary

On May 5, Mark and I celebrated our 10-year anniversary. 10 years ago we went up to the North Shore, specifically Superior Shores Resort, for our honeymoon. We go up there every year. This year we stayed for 5 days and it was soooo nice to get away. It was really hard to come back home.

We really didn't do too much. We had a lakeside view of Lake Superior with a jacuzzi room. We mostly stayed in the room and relaxed and watched movies. It was really nice.

The first day, we stayed inside mostly the whole day, being the day looked like this:

Rainy, wet, and miserable.

So, we stayed until it cleared up in the afternoon. Then we went into town and went through a few stores.

We also met a couple animals:



We spent a couple days just hanging out on the shore:

"Where's Tammy?"


"Awww, there she is! Isn't she so beautiful?"

We did go see the Split Rock Lighthouse which is a huge attraction at the North Shore. The last time I had been there was about 20 years ago and Mark had never been there so we decided to go. It was interesting.

We had fun, too:





Here Mark is trying to crank up the light. He's believable, isn't he?


Mark in front of the lighthouse


Mark eating at Betty's Pies, our favorite place to eat at the North Shore. We love eating there. We ate there 3 times while we were up there.

We also saw Chad and Ajay and the kids while we were up there which was really nice. It was great to see them and the kids. We don't get to see them too often so it was wonderful.


Me with Bemnet and Adelaide


Mark and I with Sam, Adelaide and Bemnet

Very long awaited pictures

The positive pregnancy test


My mom was the first one to know about the positive pregnancy test. I love this picture...she was soooo happy.


Telling my dad


My first belly shot after our BFP by the memory garden


Mark with the positive stick


Doogie and the positive stick. He liked to sniff it...must have liked the pee :)

Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

So overwhelmed!

Seriously, you guys never cease to amaze me.

We are so overwhelmed by the amount of support we have received, especially from those who have suffered the pain of infertility. No matter what you’ve been through or are going through, you still are so supportive and want to help. You guys amaze me and I am so blessed to know you all.

THANK YOU!!

I’ve had a few people ask about a donation button. I have decided to put one on the side of my blog. Please don’t feel you have to donate by any means. I’m only doing this because people have asked and want to help. Please know that any support you give whether it is financial, emotional, prayer, etc. is soooo greatly appreciated and we love you all for your support.

One of my dear blogger friends from Australia asked how people from faraway can help. This means so much to me as this blogger is dealing with so much with her son and has already given me a bracelet and called me on the phone (yes, from Australia!). So for her to think of me means so much to me. For some reason I can’t comment on her blog or some other blogs (anyone else having trouble like that???) and I haven’t been able to thank her personally. But it means so very much to me.

Another blogger (ironically I can’t comment on her blog either :() offered to send cake pops or iced sugar cookies which is soooo nice! I think they would sell WONDERFUL! And those white chocolate cupcakes on her blog look d-e-l-i-c-i-o-u-s! You gotta check them out!

It is so nice to have the amount of support we have and it gives us so much hope.

Anyway, I did have a suggestion from my consultant that people could have a sale at their house and donate the profits. Otherwise, I’m not sure, but again, just the thought means sooooo much to us!

On top of that, we had an amazing thing happen to us. I don't think I should mention it here. But, I do want to share how wonderful God has been. Everything is falling into place. I seriously can't explain it other than a miracle but a friend has helped us in an amazing way and it made my day this morning. My dear friend, if you're reading this, bless you! You're an angel.

We do have a peanut fund blog with handmade items for sale if anyone is interested.

Thank you again so much for your support. Thank you really just doesn’t cut it. We are so grateful for all your support!

Hope and Encouragement are back!

I hope they stay for a long time!

I can't believe a week ago I was so sure God was closing doors. So much has happened since I last posted.

Monday afternoon I heard back from my consultant. I knew if it was God's plan, I would hear from her and I did. When I received her email, I started crying. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders.

She answered a lot of my questions and I felt so good after reading her email....sooooo good. I finally felt the hope and encouragement that had been stripped away for so long. I no longer felt the doors were closing, just maybe God was telling me to wait.

Anyway, we emailed back and forth quite a bit this week and ultimately, we will soon be going forward! Yay! The FET completely drained our peanut fund and we need about $2000 for a consulting package so we're going to wait until we raise that money to go ahead. We're going on faith that the money will come and I have a feeling it'll be sooner rather than later.

We have a couple toy shows coming up where we sell toy cars. All the money from those shows go into our peanut fund.

We also have an annual garage sale every year at the end of July. We live right by our county fair and we always have a sale that weekend. For the last few years people have donated clothes, games, kitchen stuff, really anything for the garage sale to go towards our peanut fund. It's funny how we thank people so much for donating and they tell us that we're doing them a favor by taking their stuff. :)

Anyway, last year we raised $600 but our road was actually closed so I think considering the road was closed, we did okay. Two years ago, we raised over $2000! So, I know it can be done. :)

In a twist of fate, I happened to find out someone at work was moving this next week so I casually mentioned if she had things she would just throw away or good stuff she wants to get rid of, we'd take them and she was THRILLED!! She was soooo excited to help towards our peanut fund. Mark and I are picking up one load tomorrow and she says there will be more. Another friend is also moving and says she'll have stuff for us. Mark's sister has also said she had things to donate. And I still plan to talk to more people.

We are so blessed.

My consultant gave me tips for the garage sale to make it more successful as an adoption fundraiser and not so much a garage sale so I'm really excited for that. Hopefully that will help us really be successful. If anyone has more tips, please let me know!!

And here's what really makes me happy. For our consulting services, there is a lot of paperwork to do and questions to answer and pictures to get together...a-l-o-t.

And they are letting us start the paperwork now so it will be all ready when the money comes!

Woohoo!!

We truly are blessed. Things have been really falling into place for us and we are so happy. We thank God most of all, our consultant for giving us soooo much hope, encouragement and support and of course all our family and friends who help in so many ways.

I guess we can say, we're official on our way for our baby once again. :)

(P.S. Please don't make any comments about why are we waiting until the money comes, what's $2000 versus the %30,000+ you'll be spending later, etc. We've talked about how we should go ahead and we feel this is the best way for us for different reasons. It'll all happen when God wants it to. :) Thank you!)

Finding that line

I want to thank you all for your very helpful comments on my last post. I needed your honesty and advice and I thank you so much!

If I’m being completely honest, which you know I always am, one thing that has me scared is being proactive and really going full force with this. That’s basically because that’s never really worked for me, dating back all the way to Mark’s kidney transplant.

When Mark had his transplant, out of his 7 siblings, 3 matched him. Ironically these were the 3 siblings that were hesitant to donate to Mark. What did I do? I pushed, I prodded, I wrote letters to them pouring out my heart and telling them how important this was, etc. This did open their eyes and they went through the testing. Because the testing is so expensive, they only allowed 1 to be tested at a time. Two of the siblings didn’t pass and it was the last sibling who finally passed and was able to donate to Mark. I often wonder if I wouldn’t have pushed, would I have saved us all the heartache when the 2 siblings didn’t pass the testing. The third sibling was the one who was the most willing to donate of the 3. He just had a rough work schedule to work around, so I pushed the other 2 more. I often wondered if I would’ve just been patient, would I have saved Mark the heartache.

And then I think about our infertility journey. I’ve never been patient, always in a hurry, always pushing to get results. I always told myself I would do anything for our babies, anything to make it happen. After all, a good mother would never “give up” on her babies, would she?

One particular circumstance stands out in my mind a lot. When we were going to do a known donor egg cycle with a friend in Texas, everything was working out perfect and we knew it was in God’s plan...that was until we got the plane tickets. Then, everything went downhill. I knew then that we were meant to go to Texas, but not for the donor egg cycle. We still had a few options and I won’t go into it all here but I knew it would take a lot to succeed and the chances were so very slim. I knew in my heart God had closed the door and I stopped pursuing it, as hard as it was. We went to Texas anyway and I wouldn’t trade that for the world. We met our donor egg angel and another blogger who are wonderful friends and sisters in Christ. We also got to spend wonderful quality time with Mark’s niece and her family. It was better than I ever could have hoped for.

However, I often wondered if I gave up too soon. What if I would have pushed more? My job was a big factor in our decision. Should I have not worried about my job? Should I have put more faith into spending a lot of money only to have very little chance? Did I not have enough faith?

Then I got my answer when my donor egg angel had her precious baby boy...a baby boy who may not have been in this world had I not decided God was closing the doors and not pushed it more. When I heard my donor egg angel was pregnant, I knew it was God’s plan for the donor egg cycle to not happen, but His plan for us to meet and go to Texas.

And I often wonder, what if I would’ve gone against God’s will and pursued things more. How could I have taken away that precious boy from my donor egg angel?

So, where do I draw the line? How in the world do I know when “enough is enough” and I stop pursuing and let it come to me?

I have to admit, after this last transfer, I told God that I was so tired of pursuing things only to be heartbroken and this time, if He wanted me to be a mother, He was literally going to have to throw an opportunity in my face or better yet, have a baby show up on our doorstep. Seriously, I was done with having my heart broken like it has.

But on the other side, I think about the story of the man with the lottery ticket. He prayed every week that he would win the lottery, prayed so hard for months. Finally he gave up and told God he was done praying and didn’t know what else to do and if there was something he could do, please let him know. God whispered to him “Buy a lottery ticket”.

I know in so many ways, we need to help God make things happen. Oh, I know that with all my heart. And yet, I wonder just how much we need to help. I mean, really when is it enough? At some point, no matter how hard it is to accept, you know it’s in God’s hands and if it’s meant to be, it will happen no matter what.

I’m struggling a lot to find that line. I just don’t know how much I should really be “helping” God and how much I need to have faith and step aside.

Is it enough?

I'm sitting here feeling so discouraged as I feel God is closing the doors in a couple ways.

A few weeks ago, I sent an email to our adoption consultant who is also a very good friend. I felt like I was ready to get information about adoption, something I hadn't felt before. I felt like I poured out my heart, asking questions, getting her opinion, etc. Usually she's so good about responding but after a week of not hearing from her, I Facebook'd her, thinking something was wrong. I was right. It turns out her son has some health issues and was facing surgery. She said she would check her email and get back to me asap. Of course I told her not to worry about it and concentrate on her son. I truly meant that. I praise God the surgery went good and he is back on the track to being "normal".

But, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I was a little discouraged after not hearing from her in a couple weeks. Sometimes I think I should email her again, but then I know God would lead her and she would get back to me....if it's His will. I tell myself to just wait, it's all in God's hands.

But, with each passing day, I admit, it does get discouraging as I feel God is closing the door with no answer.

And then there's the second door I feel is closing. The income I've made from coaching gymnastics has always gone directly into our peanut fund. From the last session of coaching, I'm owed just over $1000. We were so encouraged by this, thinking that our peanut fund actually had something in it as the FET had completely drained it.

However, since the tree fell on our house, we've dealt with that and fixing the house. The insurance covered it but the deductible is.....you guessed it....$1000. The money from my coaching isn't going into our peanut fund, but into fixing the house.

Discouragement.

Mark looks at the glass half full: "God always provides and the money is there.". I look at the glass half empty: "There goes the adoption fund.".

I wish I was more like Mark.

I find myself wondering if this is it. Is this how my life is supposed to be? Are my nieces, nephews, godchildren, stepchildren, friends' children and gymnasts enough? Are those the kids I will have in my life? Is it my destiny in life to be there for them and not have a child of my own?

Is that enough?

I have a WONDERFUL marriage with a WONDERFUL husband. Ever since I was a little girl, I've dreamed of having a marriage that others dreamt about, that others looked at us and wished they had that. The marriage that people can look at us 20 years after being married and know we were still so much in love.

And I know I have that. God answered my prayer and He said yes. And I praise God for that...I really do.

But I find myself asking myself....is it enough? Is it enough that I can be there 100% for my husband, my nieces and nephews and be the best wife and aunt that I can be?

I just don't know...