Adoption is not a substitute for pregnancy

My consultant told me that once and I couldn't agree more.

Something that really bothers me is when people hear we are adopting, sometimes people will make comments like "At least you get to keep your womanly figure", "You won't have the morning sickness!", "You won't have to endure months of being uncomfortable", "You get to skip labor!", "You're so lucky!".

So lucky....really?

Now I understand people mean well. I know that they don't mean anything by it so I never say anything to them or let them know that those types of comments hurt. I know they are just trying to be helpful.

Sometimes I feel like people think I'm "skipping the hard part and going right to the easy part".

Obviously these people have never adopted.

I admit, the decision to adopt was a hard one for us. I've dreamed forever of carrying my baby. I wanted to have morning sickness, be uncomfortable, go through hours of painful labor......to feel my baby kick, to hear the heartbeat, to feel the miracle inside me.

When we lost the babies this spring, I also grieved that I wouldn't experience pregnancy...something I had prayed and prayed for. But I've gotten to the point where it is more important to me to be a mom than to carry and be a mom....but it took awhile.

I admit, I'm still grieving not carrying and I don't think I'll ever fully be "okay" with not carrying. People have told me that when I hold my baby, I'll know that everything was worth it, that this baby is mine and that I wouldn't give up my baby for anything. And I believe that with all my heart.

I also believe it when others who have adopted and never carried and wanted to tell me that it will always sting a little, even if you know with all your heart that this road was the road God laid out for you.

It does bother me when people say I won't go "through labor". They don't understand the endless paperwork you have to do, the hours upon hours of interviews and talking to social workers, constant searching on agencies' websites at available situations, the constant excitement/anxiousness when the phone rings and it's an agency or a number you don't recognize on caller ID (maybe this is "the call!"), the disappointment of another week gone by and no call, the endless somewhat embarrassment of having to do fund raising and the guilt of accepting money from people and having to ask, etc.

Although adoption and pregnany bring the same ending result, they are completely different journeys and although different, both have very rewarding and very hard points during the journey.

I wish everyone understood that.

Approved to another agency!

I first want to thank all of you so much for your sweet comments on the anniversary of Eddie’s death. It was such a hard day for us, really hard. I know to some people pets are pets and “just a dog” but to a lot of people they are definitely members of the family and especially to us, Eddie was like our baby boy in so many ways. Oh, he was the best dog. I can’t tell you how many times I cried to him and held him after yet another failed IUI and he helped comfort me. So, losing Eddie was very, very hard. We appreciate so much your love and support.

We have found out we were approved to another agency! What’s really special is how we found out.

We got the call at 7:30 Wednesday night saying we were approved and they went over the procedures and everything. It may not seem too significant with the timing but a year ago Wednesday night, we had brought Eddie up to the vet at about 7:10 and he died at 8:10. So, it was during the hardest hour relived Wednesday night that we got the call, a sense of hope.

We like to think of it as Eddie helping us out and giving us that hope.

You're such a wonderful dog. Thanks buddy.

One year ago...

It was one year ago today that we lost our precious dog, Eddie. Anyone who has a pet knows how precious they can be to you. Today is going to be a rough day. We miss Eddie so much.

Here is the post I wrote a year ago about Eddie's passing. It breaks my heart and yet comforts it at the same time:

First, I want to thank you all for your support and love. I haven’t been able to respond to e-mails but I have read them all. Thank you, too, for your help and advice when we were trying to figure out what was wrong with Eddie.

Just as a warning, if you are an animal lover, this will break your heart and just typing this, I’m sobbing. But, this was such a moment that neither Mark nor I want to forget and I want to share.

His passing was so fast. In some ways, that’s a blessing. In other ways, it seems to hurt so much as we weren’t prepared.

In the morning, Eddie was fine. He was jumping around and was acting his normal self. Then, at about 2:30 in the afternoon, Mark had just gotten out of the shower. When Mark takes his shower, Eddie always lays down on his pillow in our bedroom until Mark gets dressed. Then, he follows Mark out to the living room. This time, he stayed in the bedroom and wouldn’t follow Mark. Mark mentioned it to me but at that point I didn’t think much about it, although Mark was concerned.

After work at 3:30 , I was going to go out and mow the lawn. Eddie loves to go outside. So, I went and asked him if he wanted to go outside. Usually this question brings a reaction of jumping, tail wagging and running to the door. This time, nothing. That’s when I realized something wasn’t right but I still wasn’t too concerned, although Mark was very concerned. Eddie just looked weak and a little out of it.

We turned up the air conditioning hoping that would help him. I went out to mow the lawn. About halfway through, I asked Mark how Eddie was and there was no change. I went around the yard a few more times, thinking about Eddie the whole time. I then stopped and asked Mark if we should call the vet and he nodded. I checked up on Eddie again and there was no change. So I called and explained the situation. Unfortunately they had no openings for the rest of the afternoon but could see him in the morning and gave us the emergency number if we needed.

I went out to finish mowing the lawn while Mark made supper, Eddie’s favorite—spaghetti. Eddie loves spaghetti and usually finishes up our leftovers. When I came back in, we were both shocked and so happy to see that Eddie had moved from the bedroom to the living room to his blanket. That gave us so much hope that he was okay. We then sat down to eat. Usually Eddie is right by our feet, especially with spaghetti. This time, he didn’t move. Even when I brought some spaghetti to him, he wouldn’t move. I felt like someone had punched me in the stomach. I knew something was really wrong.

I noticed he was breathing more rapidly and seemed to be coughing. His mouth felt really cold. I thought maybe some aspirin would help so I mixed in with his favorite canned dog food. That’s always a special treat for him and he usually gobbles it up. He wouldn’t even lick it this time.

At this point, we knew something was really wrong and we decided to call the emergency number. I talked to the vet. She was very honest and said it doesn’t sound good and he might die over night. We love our vet. She’s always very upfront with us and doesn’t hide anything. She said to bring him right in.

At this point, I’m sobbing and both Mark and I are trying to stay strong for Eddie. Eddie was so weak and breathing and coughing hard and we knew we’d have to carry him to the car. We tried getting Mark’s brother and then our neighbor to help us and neither were available. So, we bundled him up and carried him out to the car ourselves. We realize now this was the best so we could spend time with him alone and I think Eddie just wanted us to be around him anyway.

We drove to the vet and Mark sat in the back of the car with Eddie with his head in his lap. I’m so glad Mark was able to do that.

We got to the vet and carried him in. That’s when we found out that his heart was beating twice as fast as it should and his oxygen level was only 60% and should be at least 97% on room air. There were no pulses in his legs and his gums were extremely pale. The vet explained the tests we could do and explained the prices. It took half a second for Mark and me to decide to do whatever it took.

We were right by his side the entire time. Mark talked to him and stroked his face while I was helping the vet drawing blood and check the stomach. We transferred him to get x-rays and it was so hard to step away from him to get them done. He would get nervous and move around and after the films were taken, the vet had us be by him again to help him relax and he did once we were there.

While the films were being developed, Mark and I continued to pet him and talk to him and I gave him oxygen. The vet came out telling us the abdomen x-ray showed a very enlarged spleen and thought it could be the problem. Then she went to develop the chest film. While she was gone, Eddie started convulsing and we knew it wasn’t good. I yelled to the vet and she came out and told us he was dying. She showed us the x-ray which showed large tumors on his lungs and his heart.

I started screaming and sobbing. My legs gave out and I was on the floor. I got up quickly, realizing that Eddie needed me to be strong. Then, the vet listened to Eddie’s heart and looked at us and said “He’s gone. I'm so sorry” at 8:10 p.m.

Both Mark and I were crying and petting and hugging Eddie. After awhile, I hugged the vet and thanked her for everything and for being there for Eddie. She said there was nothing we could have done and she said he knew we were trying to help him and at least he didn’t die alone.

What tore my heart is what Mark did right before we left Eddie. You see, when we first picked up Eddie at the Humane Society, the first thing he did was lay down so we could scratch his belly. He loved having his belly scratched. So before we left, Mark said he was going to leave him like we got him and gave him a belly scratch.

Looking back now, I realize how lucky we were things happened the way they did.

I’m grateful he passed away now and not while we were on vacation.

I’m grateful he wasn’t alone when he passed away and that it was just Mark, me and the vet with him and nobody else.

I’m grateful we took him in when we did. If we had taken him in earlier in the day, they would’ve recommended putting him down and that would’ve been a hard decision. And if we would’ve waited until morning, he would not have made it and we always would have been wondering “what if”. This way he died on his own and with us right there.

I’m grateful he didn’t suffer. The vet thought he just felt very weak and only for the few hours that we noticed he wasn’t himself.

I’m grateful for the special moments Mark got to have with him leading up to his passing away.

I do wish that I hadn't felt the need to mow the lawn and that I would've spent more time with Eddie.

I do wish that I wouldn't have gotten upset with him the day before for peeing on our tarp.

I do wish I would have seen him come out of the bedroom into the living room. I don't know how weak he was and if he needed help. I know he just wanted to be near us and I wish I could've helped him.

I just wish that I would've known. I would've pet him more and told him I loved him more. I wouldn't have gotten upset because he was whining and trying to get me up at 4 in the morning. I would've cherished his stinky breath in the morning so much more.

Eddie was such a good dog. This has really affected our whole family. When Mark told his mom about Eddie, she cried and said she couldn’t think of anything bad about Eddie. My sister said he was so loved and spoiled. We have gotten so many e-mails and calls from our family as they knew how much Eddie meant to us. What really touched me was what my sister-in-law said. She said to think of how much we loved Eddie and realize that he loved us that much and so much more. And I believe that with all my heart. He loved us so much.

We love you Eddie and miss you so much. Take good care of our nuts. We can’t wait to see you again.

Questions

We’re pretty much caught up applying for agencies and grants. Now we’re concentrating on getting the nursery ready.

(Did I really just type that??)

We have blankets and outfits, etc. that we are washing and getting ready and we have a travel list that we got from Christian Adoption Consultants that we need for the baby so we’ll be getting those things ready.

What we aren’t sure about is what we really need otherwise. We’ve wanted this baby for 8 years and now I realize we have no idea what we really need, other than of course the obvious, diapers, wipes, outfits, onesies, etc.

Should we be registering now? Should we wait a little while longer? This baby literally could come overnight so I want to be prepared.

On the flip side, we could get some notice so we might have some time.

(Did I really just type about registering?)

Anybody have a list of things we need based on experience or just what you know we’ll need?

Thanks bunches. :)

We're officially waiting!

We were approved by an agency and we can start submitting our profile now!

We even inquired about a situation which we found out had already been matched but it was so real to actually ask about a situation.

Wowzers!

The rollercoaster

We have now officially applied to 3 agencies!!

It’s really starting to feel so real.

I have mixed emotions. It makes me so happy and yet so sad.

I’m so happy and excited to meet our baby. I’m so looking forward to that day we get “the call”. I can’t imagine what it’s going to be like to see our baby and hold our baby. It doesn’t seem like it’ll ever happen and yet I know it will. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.

But it also hits me that I would be 22 weeks pregnant. I know 2 good friends on FB who are around the same week as I would have been. These are 2 wonderful women who have been through more than I can imagine and I’m sooooo happy they are where they are at. No one deserves it more. So, to hear their updates and statuses warm my heart. But to hear that they can feel the baby kick, others can feel it and it’s the best feeling in the world...well, I’m sad I’m not there, I can’t feel that kick and my babies aren’t here.

To clarify once again, I am EXTREMELY happy for them. I can’t express just how happy I truly am. They’ve been through so much in their lives and, man oh man, I’m so happy for them.

I guess it’s just sad to me that I could be feeling my baby kick right now...something I’ll never feel.

That’s a hard pill to swallow.

Yet, at the same time, here we are getting the nursery ready, going through clothes, going through blankets (wow, we have more than I thought!), going through the boxes and boxes of Precious Moments stuff that we’ve collected for 8 years that FINALLY we have hope that we’ll be able to use...finally.

We’re getting the bassinet ready, clearing out the dresser and closet and we’ll soon be putting up the Precious Moments wall border.

That is exciting to us and it’s exciting and scary that it could literally happen at any time.

I admit, being around me right now, isn’t such a major treat. I can get so sad and then so happy, so excited and then so nervous, so crabby and then so loving. I’m a rollercoaster. But, that’s what we’re on...an infertility rollercoaster.

I’m excited for this ride to end...or anxious...or happy....or sad....

Pictures of the sale

At last, long awaited pictures of the sale!


Tyler made Rice Krispie treats the night before. One of my friends, Chocodaisy, donated the ingredients to make them. Thank you Choco! They were VERY popular...we sold out right away!


My mom and Tyler had a sleepover the night before the sale

Pictures of all the stuff for sale before the sale started:















The signs we posted at the sale:






My mom and dad


Helping a customer


Mark and Peyton


Tyler, Peyton and Jamie's parents, Matt and Danielle, had just gotten a new puppy, Millie...isn't she so cute??


Jamie...look at that sweet chocolate face!


Me and Draven


We had a downpour on Saturday that lasted for about an hour. :( We lost a canopy during it.


Tyler and Peyton emptying out the glassware after the downpour.


My brother from Chicago was able to come! And Tyler looking at books. He bought about 35 books....he's a reader!

Remember me???

Hi, my name is Tammy. I am a blogger.

I know, it’s been f-o-r-e-v-e-r. I hate when I get behind on blogging. I miss hearing what is going on in everyone’s lives. This weekend I’m excited to go through and get caught up on some blogs.

Lots has been happening here:

Our adoption event/yard sale: We had an amazing turnout! We were so amazed by the amount of support and love we received. We were able to raise just over $2500 and we received $500 in big donations from family so we were very blessed. We have so much left over that we’ll be having one more sale before donating it to a couple struggling with infertility for their own sale. We are soooo blessed. I’ll be posting pictures soon! I took quite a bit.

I have to send a special shout-out to a couple blogger friends for their bake sale donations. To Grace and her cake pops! They were delicious and quite the hit!! Thank you so much sweetie for the wonderful donation!! I had a couple ask for the recipe even, so if you get a chance, I’d love the recipe! ((HUGS)) And also to my friend, C, for the donation of the ingredients for Rice Krispie treats. Tyler LOVED making them. Thanks sweetie!!

For those who don’t follow me on FB, Mark ended up getting sick on Monday, the week of the sale. He was vomiting and was so sick. Whenever his stomach starts bothering him, he usually ends up in the hospital for about a week. We were so scared that he would end up in the hospital. I posted on FB that we needed prayer and that we wanted Mark here for the sale to see all the love and support. The prayers worked as the next day he was no longer vomiting and was feeling better! It truly was a miracle and if you know Mark’s history, you know just how MUCH of a miracle this is! It was so amazing to us and we want to thank all who did pray when we needed it.

Applying to agencies: We excited to say that we’ve applied to 2 adoption agencies this week! We are so excited! It’s an amazing feeling. We’re told it will take a couple weeks to get our applications processed. We’re also applying for grants so we’ll see how that goes.

I also wanted to mention that as I was going through the pictures of the sale earlier this week, I watched the video of one I had the positive pregnancy test. I thought I was ready and I was wrong. For the rest of the day, I had trouble stopping the tears. Even mailing out the applications brought tears. But I know it’s normal. It’s not that I’m not excited or happy about the adoption as I am very excited and happy. I just miss what I “could have had” with our babies and it was a reminder that the babies who were inside of me are no longer inside and it does make me sad. That video was a reminder of that and it was very, very hard. I’m doing better now but man, it was tough. I know now it will be a very l-o-n-g time before I watch it again, if I ever can.

I wanted to mention that so others in a similar situation will know that it’s completely normal. I felt horrible about feeling sad on such a happy occasion but after talking to someone about it, I realize it’s completely normal. It’s hard to believe that I’m normal, I know.

Thanks to all for your thoughts and prayers and all your support. It truly means so much!