From the birthmother's perspective...

I know, there is no way I could even begin to understand what a birthmother goes through and I honestly can’t even begin to fathom what it’s like to give up your child.

But, I’ve been trying to get a glimpse of what they go through.

Last January when we chose our embryos, we were given a total of 14 profiles of embryos to choose from. We were told we had 2 weeks to decide our top 3, from there we would be given our top choice depending on which sets were still available. At first I thought 2 weeks was a long time and I didn’t think too much of that.

But when those 14 profiles came in the mail and we started looking through them, I thought 2 weeks was waaaay too short of a time to choose. I didn’t know how in the world we were going to choose at all, let alone in 2 weeks. I mean, these embryos were children. How could you choose between 1 child and another? It didn’t seem possible.

I remember telling Mark that I just couldn’t do it. So, we took all the emotion out of it (or as much as we could) and decided that we would take away the “most risk” embryos, the ones that would have the most risk of giving the child a serious illness. We didn’t know how we would deal with that. Of course if it happened, we would do anything for our child, but we didn’t want to purposely put ourselves in that situation given Mark's history and the situation we were already in.

We took out 2 profiles...two.

So then we were down to 12 profiles. All of them really were fine. Of course, they weren’t perfect but all of them had good qualities and I didn’t want to take out any of them.

We gave the profiles to our RE so he could give us his best medical advice as to the ones with the best chances. In the meantime, after sooooo much thought and consideration, stress, praying, etc., we chose our top 5 and waited to hear from our RE.

4 of his top 5 were our bottom 5...seriously???? I wanted to cry.

At the end of the 2 weeks, we did submit our “top 3” but it was one of the hardest decisions of our lives. It was hard to pick a set of children above another set. After all, a child is a child.

When I think about what these birthmothers go through, I often think about when we had to choose our embryos. From what I’ve been told, these birthmothers are given 4-5 profiles of parents. These are parents they have to choose from to raise their child. I can’t imagine there are too many birthmothers who think these parents are “horrible”. I’m sure they look at all or most of them and think these are good people....people who deserve to have a child and no one is more deserving than the other.

I’m sure they have some of the same thoughts as I do....how in the world do I choose?

In so many ways, I feel so much for these birthmothers....I really do. They have such a tough decision and in many situations, they don’t have much time to choose at all. In a couple situations, we were told the next day that the birthmother had chosen another family....that’s 24 hours. I was stressing out when we had 2 WEEKS to choose.

I’m not saying we’re a “perfect” couple by any means. I’m sure there are a few birthmothers who look at our profile and toss it out right away and don’t look at us twice...but I’m also sure there have been a few who have seriously thought of us as the parents of their child and it was a really tough decision.

I just honestly can’t fathom what a big decision they have to make and in so many ways, I’m grateful I’m on this end of it and not their end. After the decision we had to make with the embryos, I can’t imagine making that kind of a decision again.

So, please keep the birthmothers in your thoughts and prayers. They go through so much.

Thank you all so much! (and shout out to Marcie and Nic)

I want to thank you all soooo much for your support and letting me know I'm not alone. It means so much to me. Sometimes I feel like a terrible, selfish Christian when I feel some of the things I do. And yet, I want to write it out and be completely honest in hopes of maybe helping someone else.

So to know that I'm "normal", it means so much to me. Thank you for reaching out and helping. So many of you said some wonderful things that really touched my heart.

Thank you.

I also wanted to send out a shout out to Marcie and Nic. For some reason, I'm not able to comment on your blogs. :( I'm not sure why. I wanted you to know that I'm reading faithfully and praying for you guys, especially you, Nic, as I know you've suffered yet another loss. How devastating. My heart just breaks for you.

Love you all. Thanks again for being the friends you are. You make this journey a lot less lonely, thanks.

((HUGS))

Welcome to my pity party

Whenever Peyton and Tyler start crabbing about stuff, we always ask them if they would like us to call people to invite them to their pity party. So, I guess here I am, like one of the kids, having my pity party.

Right now, I'm rather frustrated and I admit, a little angry...okay, maybe a lot angry.

On the last day of our vacation (in which we had a blast and I'll be sharing pics soon :)), I checked our agencies' websites to check for available situations. All week there hadn't been any but lo and behold, Friday night, our last night of vacation, there was a situation, a perfect situation for us.

So I called and left a message asking questions. 4 hours later I left another message. No one ever got back to us. The next day before we left, I checked again and the situation was still available. Called again, no answer. Called a couple hours later, left a message. After the 4-hour drive back home and literally holding onto my cell phone the whole drive, we got home and I literally went straight to the computer to check. The situation was no longer available.

At first I was soooo mad. So angry. I had left 3 messages and no one called us. We finally did get a call at 8 that night. Apparently the mother had gone into labor that day and they needed a local family asap. So much had gone on that day that they couldn't get back to us before long.

That was the short story.....yeah, that's right, short.

Anyway, while this was happening Saturday, I also checked the blogs I follow. I hadn't checked any blogs all week when we were on vacation. I need a break from everything.

Anyway, it turns out a fellow blogger who was also adopting had to turn down a situation because she all of a sudden finds out she's pregnant.

Now, I want to emphasize that I'm very, very happy for her....so happy. NOTHING makes me happier than seeing an infertile have a surprise pregnancy.

At the same time, there's a feeling of sadness and loneliness. I remember when I got pregnant last spring, I got a couple emails from people saying that they were soooo happy for me and yet they were sad for them because I had given them the strength to keep going....that I was still in the same boat as them and they didn't feel so lonely. Now that I was pregnant and "moving on", they no longer felt that strength, they felt alone and even though they were so happy for me, they felt sad for them and that they had nobody.

Wow, do I get that.

Okay, back to this other blogger. Again, I'm very happy for her. So thrilled for her. At the same time, it's like Really God?

Why in the world can't I catch a break like that?

You give us the perfect situation we've been praying for only to have that taken away.

You know I can't get pregnant on my own. Not only have I been told that with my scrambled eggs, I have a less than 2% of getting pregnant on my own....but add in Mark's issues, we're probably down to about a 0.000000000000000002% chance.

Yeah, it won't happen (and please don't say "you never know"....yeah, I definitely know).

I mean, I can't even get pregnant or stay pregnant with "perfect" embryos that have been proven.

So, sometimes I have to just sit here and wonder what God is thinking.

Oh, I know He loves me, it's in His time, I know all that. I know His plans work out for the good of me. I know He doesn't want me to suffer. I know He's given me so much more than I deserve.

I also know I'm hurting. I watch others catch that break and I just wanna know why I can't catch one too.

Okay, that's the end of my pity party. Thank you for coming!

On vacation!!

I've gotten quite a few emails from people wondering if I'm ok and what's going on.

We're on vacation! My parents own a timeshare in the Dells so we're there with the whole fam and having a good time. I promise to catch up on blogs and emails when I get back.

Thanks for the emails and caring so much. ((HUGS))

I'm sad

Now before I get comments about how I’m “depressed” or need help or something, I want to say that I am very happy and I have a wonderful life. I’m extremely blessed with many wonderful, amazing opportunities, friends, family and kids in my life. I have so much to be thankful for.

I laugh, I smile, I joke. I am happy.

But, if I’m being honest, I’m also sad.

Getting the nursery ready used to be an exciting time. Now, being in there reminds me that we are getting ready for a baby coming sometime in the future, not coming in a couple months. It reminds me of the babies we lost as I would be about 7 months pregnant right now.

And I’m sad.

I hear about the women 7 months along listening to their baby’s heartbeats, seeing pictures of their bellies, hearing about their checkups and ultrasounds, etc. I walk by our memory garden and know they are there, buried in the ground, not inside me.

And I’m sad.

I hear about people talking about the new amazing gadget they just bought, the new iPhone, new big screen TV, etc. and I’m working many overtime hours and coaching gymnastics to raise money for adoption and we still need at least $30,000. All my hard work is just a drop in the bucket....all while getting by with the cheapest cell phone and plan possible and the bare minimal TV channels with no TiVo/DVR (I know, gasp!)

It makes me sad that we have to work so hard for something that others don’t.

I feel forgotten or left behind and it makes me sad.

I’ve heard from so, so many people that this will all be worth it. That when I have my baby in my arms, I will know this is my baby, that all this was worth every second of pain, that everything will make sense, that all of this pain will be a distant memory. And I believe that with all my heart, 100%. I really do.

But, I don’t have the baby in my arms yet. I’m still waiting to see the “end result”, what we’ve been working so hard for. Now, it just seems we’re working so hard for empty arms.

It makes me so sad.