To those still waiting.....

I want to let you know that I haven’t forgotten about you. In fact, I’ve been thinking about you more lately.

First of all, if you’re reading this, I know you’re still reading my blog even though you’re still waiting and I want you to know how much that means to me. I know how hard it can be to read about people who have “crossed over” and read about their babies so the fact that you’re still here means a lot to me.

It is such a lonely feeling to watch others get their dreams and you still wait and wait. Oh, how I wish I could take that pain away. It’s the worst feeling in the world.

I wish I could tell you that you will get your baby and that all your dreams will come true. I just don’t know. People would tell me all the time that I was meant to be a mother, that it would happen in time, etc. I know people meant well and some days it actually did make me feel better. But, other days, I just wanted to tell people that unless they were God, they couldn’t possibly know that I WILL be a mother.

I think the best advice I ever got during our journey was this: Just be me.

One thing I learned is that how I went about my journey was my way. It didn’t matter if someone else responded a different way, only did 3 IUIs before going onto IVF, etc. I didn’t care about the stats, etc. It was MY journey, no one else’s and the way I responded to the failures, disappointments, joys, etc., was perfectly fine.

I kept telling myself to just be me.

I would wake up every day not knowing if it would be a good day or a bad day. Anything could trigger a bad or good day. But I knew how I responded to it was my way, not anyone else’s. It didn’t matter if someone else who had a miscarriage “bounced back” after a few days and that I “should” be okay. I concentrated on me and myself. I did what was best for me.

Just be me.

I don’t know if you guys will get your dream. I hope and pray every day you do. I want you to be happy. I know that feeling of knowing something was missing in my life and feeling so down about it.

What I do know is that no matter what happens, you will be okay. You will survive. It may not seem like it and it’s okay. It’s okay to think your life won’t go on because you’ve got friends who will be there and pick you up no matter what. You will be okay.

I want you to know that I’m still on the infertility train with you. I’m right there and will never get off until there is no one left on there. I’m just on a different car but I’m always there for you. I’m just a few steps away but always within reach.

And I pray for you every day. I pray that your heart heals in some way and hopefully in the way of a blessing in your life.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Thursday

I know...it's supposed to be "Wordless Wednesday". For one thing, it's Thursday but time got away from me yesterday so I didn't get a chance to put these up.

For another thing, the fact that I'm typing out words doesn't make this a "wordless" post.

So, really the title means squat.

But here are some adorable pics anyway. Ain't she cute?? She was in a smiley mood. :)

Almost 8 weeks!

Dear Squeaker,

That’s what Daddy calls you. You make so many squeaky noises, honey, and Daddy just loves it. He calls you Squeaker or Squeaker toy.

You’re almost 8 weeks which is so hard to believe. You’re over 9 pounds already. I’m not looking forward to the 2-month visit when you have to have your shots. I’m thinking about making the appointment on a Grandma day so she can take you in but I don’t think she would like that.

You love to stretch out your legs when we put on your diaper. It makes it a little hard to put that diaper on, sweetie, but it is so cute. You do it every time for us and it’s always so adorable.

We’ve been told you have a very strong neck for your age. We’re so proud of you for that! You love to look at things. You love to sit in your swing and stare at the animals above your head. You still have a short attention span so after half an hour in the swing, you cry to get out, but you really love to sit in that swing and watch the animals, especially the zebra.



Your sleep is still a bit of a problem sweetie. You’re still waking up every 1-2 hours. Sometimes you’ll make a 3-hour stretch but it’s not too often. We tried moving you into your own room on January 27th (which was extremely hard on Mommy) but that didn’t really help. The first night you had a 5-hour stretch but that was it and you haven’t since then. But, you know what? It’s okay! Mommy’s pretty tired but she also knows that it won’t be long that you’ll be sleeping through the night and she will want those nights back that you were up so much so she cherishes the moments when she can. I know one day I’ll miss those late nights and bonding. Who else would watch “Friends” and “Three’s Company” with me?

You sometimes have a sleep pattern but not usually. You go to sleep between 8 and 9, wake up at 11-12 (one time you slept until 1:30!), wake up at 1-2, wake up at 4 and then every half an hour to an hour after that. You’re definitely an early bird. You take after Grandma.

The hard part for Mommy and Daddy is that you’re colicky now. It breaks our hearts so much. Every night sometime between 4 and 6, you’ll start screaming and screaming. Nothing helps, no food, rocking, singing, nothing really helps and it’s so hard to see you hurting sweetie. We’ve tried the colic tabs and sometimes they help but not all the time. You also scream sometimes at night when you wake up like you’re hurting and Mommy gets so sad to hear you scream.

We did take you to the doctor this week and it’s possible you have acid reflux or a virus. Poor thing. We’re trying you on a medication to see if it helps your tummy. Otherwise, we’re hoping you’ll either outgrow the colic or the virus works its course. Mommy and Daddy just don’t like seeing you hurting so much.

You are starting to smile out of the blue when you’re in the mood and those smiles are so wonderful! They are precious. There is nothing like a Hannah smile. Some people say it’s still gas but we don’t believe them. We know a true smile when we see one and you give us true smiles sometimes.

You’re definitely growing sweetie. You’re starting to eat a little more when you eat, about 2-3 ounces. On February 3, you started wearing size 1 diapers which makes Mommy so sad that you aren’t in the newborn diapers anymore. It’s bittersweet for Mommy that you’re growing and doing so well. Of course we want you healthy, but we also want you to stay little.

I know it’s only been a couple months but I can’t imagine my life before you came along. I don’t know how I made it through each and every day without your sweet eyes looking at me, your smile, your wonderful feeling against me when I’m feeding you. Really, everything about you. You’ve made our lives complete. You’re truly our miracle baby.

With all my love,

Mommy


7 weeks


Mommy and her honey girl


I LOVE this onesie..."Could I be any cuter?"

Adoptive breastfeeding

Just as a warning, there is a lot of breast/nipple talk in this post so if that’s something you aren’t comfortable with, you might not want to read this post. :)

I’m so excited to talk about adoptive breastfeeding! I think it’s such an amazing opportunity and I hope I can encourage someone to try it, too.

When we first turned to adoption, I was so sad because one thing I always wanted to do was nurse my baby and I felt I had to let that go. It was so hard for me.

Then at our garage sale fundraiser this summer, my old neighbor who is a lactation consultant offered her services if I wanted to do adoptive breastfeeding. I remember asking her if that was really possible and she explained that it was very possible and if I wanted to do it she would help me out as much as she could.

That news totally made my day.

Because we obviously didn’t know when we would be getting our baby, we decided to wait until we were matched to start the inducing lactation process.

Fast forward to November when we were matched and I called the lactation consultant the very next day. She gave me this website: Ask Lenore I HIGHLY recommend this site. It has so much information. There you can find the protocols I’m talking about below.

Because we had only a month to prepare, I did the accelerated protocol in hopes of getting milk when Hannah was born. I was on birth control pills for about a month. Basically you want to trick your body into thinking you’re pregnant which is the reason for the birth control.

The accelerated protocol also recommended being on domperidone. This is a medication that actually isn’t available in the US. Because of this, I was going to have to order it on an online pharmacy that was pretty expensive and it wouldn’t be shipped for about 2 weeks. So, we decided not to add in the domperidone. Honestly I was a little leery about ordering a medication online anyway, but that’s just me. Tons of women order and do fine so I’m sure there was nothing wrong with it but at the time, we were short on money and the risks outweighed the benefits at that point as we weren’t sure how much the domperidone would help anyway.

Okay, so after a month of the birth control, I started pumping with a double electric hospital pump. I was pumping every 2-3 hours and once during the night. Yeah, that’s a lot. It sure takes A LOT of time and effort with the pumping. You won’t get any milk for awhile but the pumping is very important.

Along with the pumping, I started herbs three times a day that are listed in the protocol and I continue to be on the herbs now.

Now, coming into this, I knew my chances for big-time success weren’t too high. When you’re on the accelerated protocol, you tend to not produce as much. Not adding in the domperidone was another factor that may prohibit me producing as much. Then, whenever you induce lactation, you only produce 20-70% of what a “normal” pregnant woman would produce. Every woman is different. Adding in the fact that I was majorly stressed with the fact that we had to come up with an extra $10K in a month, trying to plan a benefit, getting ready for the baby, etc., knowing stress is never a key to success. In fact, honestly there were times I wondered if it was worth it. But, looking back now, I’m sooooo glad I never gave up and kept at it even with everything going against me.

When Hannah was born, I still wasn’t producing but I was pumping every 2 hours. One thing I was told was to not let her have a bottle or pacifier when she was born because that would mess up her latching and she may not nurse. The plan was for me to use a SNS until I produced milk. However, because we were adopting and legally Hannah wasn’t ours until we left the hospital, I wasn’t able to nurse her when she was born. That was really hard for me. Even the birthmother pushed so I could nurse but they wouldn’t let me. So, right away she got a bottle and I was devastated thinking Hannah would never take me. But, thankfully that was never a problem.

When we got home from the hospital, I tried the SNS. This is a system where the formula is in a container. There are thin, spaghetti-type tubes you tape to your nipple. Then the baby will suck on the nipple and will get the milk through the tubing but both of you still get the benefit of nursing. Plus, this helps produce more milk when the baby is sucking.

I think it’s a wonderful thing and honestly, I don’t know if Hannah would’ve ever taken me if we hadn’t used the SNS. But, honestly, I hated it. The tubing was so thin and when you taped it on the nipple, it seemed to just come right off. It was hard to keep it on. Plus, you had to pinch the tubing so the formula wouldn’t come through and when you were ready, you “unpinch” it and the formula will start flowing. Well, if Hannah wasn’t latched on or if the tubing became untaped, the formula would go everywhere. Poor Hannah had quite a few times when she got formula all over her face.

So, I didn’t like it but like I said, I think that’s what helped Hannah latch onto me and helped her learn how to suck so I’m so glad we started like that but it was frustrating and messy.

I started getting a little milk on the 26th (about 40 days after starting the birth control pill). Not very much at all, but some and I was thrilled. For most of the feedings, I would start Hannah on my breast and then when she was done or pulling away, we would give her a bottle to finish feeding. Whenever Hannah fed, whether with me or with the bottle, I would pump. If I had anything, I would mix it in with the formula so she would at least get something.

There was a time a few weeks ago that she absolutely refused to take my breast. It was heartbreaking. She doesn’t get near as much from me as the bottle and I think she was just frustrated. We just kept trying though and I kept pumping and after a few days and some coaching from my lactation consultant, she started taking me again. Now, she has her moments where she actually prefers me than the bottle and that’s an amazing feeling.

I don’t produce nearly enough to satisfy her needs and many women who induce lactation don’t. In fact, very few do. I was told that right away so I was prepared. I was also told that every little drop helps so even if it’s just a little bit, it’s helping Hannah and that makes me feel like a good mommy.

I also absolutely LOVE the skin-to-skin and bonding. It’s sooooo amazing. I think that’s what I love the most is the bonding. I know I’m helping her but the most important to me is the bonding and the fact that she knows she can get milk and comfort from me. I’m her lifeline! It’s amazing the way she calms down just by being next to my breast and snuggling with me. I just love it so much.

I hope that helps explain things more. If anyone would like to know more, please don’t hesitate to contact me or ask! I’m an open book and would love to help in any way I can. I know it takes a lot of time and effort but it’s so worth it to nurse your baby. It’s something I don’t take for granted at all and I’m so grateful I have that opportunity.

If I were to do it over, though, I would’ve started before we were matched as I was under a lot of stress when we were matched and then had to be on the accelerated protocol, etc. And I know if I would’ve produced before the baby came, I could’ve frozen the milk and saved it or donated it. But, I know it takes a lot of time and effort and a lot of pumping so it maybe worked out for the best this way anyway.

Marcie, I’m not sure why but I can’t comment on your blog. I read it faithfully though and I want you to know if I can help in ANY way, please let me know! You can email me at tammywondra @ yahoo dot com. I know you’re very interested and I would LOVE to help you!! It’s soooo worth it!

Mark is home!

Mark is home! It’s soooo amazing. Usually when he has these episodes, he’s in the hospital for 5-7 days and this time it was just overnight. It’s a miracle really. We know it’s the power of prayer and a certain little girl named Hannah. He sure missed Hannah so much.

Thank you for your prayers and support!

And I’m so touched by your comments on my breastfeeding. Thank you!! I’ve been hesitant to mention it because I thought people would think it was “weird” or something and when I’ve mentioned it to some people I get some odd responses and to be honest, it hurts, so I haven’t been as open as I used to be. But, I’m soooo touched that you guys are so supportive! I needed that so thank you!! I will definitely do a post about it because I think it’s an awesome thing and such a wonderful opportunity for adoptive parents and if I can help someone in the process, that means so much to me.

Mark is in the hospital

Mark was admitted yesterday afternoon for diabetic gastroparesis, a stomach issue where he keeps vomiting and vomiting and can't keep anything down. The big concern is that he can't keep his antirejection meds down so there is concern about the kidney (he had a kidney transplant almost 10 years ago).

He hasn't had a flare of this for over 2 years. He's pretty discouraged and misses his baby girl so very, very much.

What is special was that he called last night to say good night to his Hannah. I was nursing her (yes, that's right, it's possible to do adoptive breastfeeding :)) and when I put the phone to her ear and he said "Good night sweetheart!", she stopped nursing and opened her eyes.

She misses her daddy too.

Please keep Mark in your prayers that he can get home and the 2 can be together at home. Thanks so much!