Golly gee, what a cutie!

Mommy and me

My first Mother's Day with Hannah

I just realized I never posted about my first Mother's Day with Hannah.

Honestly, it's so odd to call it my "first" Mother's Day. Really, I've felt like a mother for a long time, my arms were just empty. When we got married I instantly became a stepmom to 2 boys. It was different, but the boys always made me feel like a mother on Mother's day which I appreciated so much.

When we started trying and then we lost our first jellybean in 2007 I felt like a mother. I knew I had an angel baby in heaven. I just couldn't show my baby off. And nobody really recognizes "angel babies" as babies so I never really had that recognition as a mother. But that was okay. I understood.

But each year was harder and harder. Because every year it seemed we had more loss and yet another angel baby and empty arms. I found myself hating Mother's Day, purposely skipping church on Mother's Day and just being by myself because it was such a painful day for me. And each year made it harder and harder.

It was torture.

This year I was really looking forward to Mother's Day. From the day Hannah was born, I realized that FINALLY I would have a baby in my arms to celebrate the day. I was so excited.

But then in May as it came closer and closer, I admit I had a lot of guilt. I think it's what they call "survivor's guilt" in the infertility world.

I couldn't stop thinking about all those who were still waiting. I know how hard that day is and I wanted to more than anything take away that pain.

And I also thought about Lois, Hannah's birthmom. Oh, man, did I think of her so much. I knew that day had to be so very, very hard for her. I can't imagine how birthmothers feel on Mother's Day.

So, on a day that I had anticipated to be the best day ever, I had a lot of mixed emotions. I did enjoy it, though. I got a lot of hugs and congrats from people. Many, many emails and posts on FB. I went to church for the first time on Mother's Day in years and I took so much joy in the fact that I was waking up to my daughter on Mother's Day. It's a day I will never, ever forget.

And I will never forget how hard of a day it is for so many people. May you always know you are, and will always be, in my prayers. Not just on Mother's Day but every day.

(Yes I realize I wrote 05/13/11 :). I'm a tired mama :))

That wet spot on my shirt is a very proud spit spot from my girl :)

Some cuteness

Wearing Papa's hat

TLC special "Birth Moms"

TLC recently had a special called “Birth Moms”. I was so excited to see it and had been looking forward to seeing it since Hannah was born. At that time we had been told Hannah’s birth mom was going to be on there along with her roommate. Hannah’s birth mom was so very excited to be on the special to show the world that adoption was an option. I was so excited to be able to show this special to Hannah one day to show her what an amazing birth mom she has. What a gift to give Hannah!

So when I found out the special was going to be aired on May 17, I let everyone know about it. I wanted everyone to see Hannah’s birth mom, to see what a special woman she is and how much she means to us. I posted it on FB, emailed all my family and friends and spread the word as much as I could.

I sat down to watch it and almost right away was completely in tears. I was embarrassed, hurt, ashamed and so disappointed. Not only did they choose not to air Hannah’s birth mom, they also chose 3 very controversial birth moms to tell their stories.

These birth moms liked to party and they were shown partying, smoking, etc. At one point, one of the birth moms who I believe was about 8 months pregnant wanted to drink tequila.

While I understand this is the case in some birth moms, it’s not the case in all birth moms and yet that was the way TLC portrayed it. As an adoptive parent, if I was looking to adopt and saw this special, I would definitely think twice after seeing birth moms treat their unborn child the way they did and that was not the message I wanted to get out to everyone. In fact, it was the complete opposite message.

There were other things that bothered me. Like when one birth mother stated the agency paid for the food, housing, shopping, etc. WE pay for those. The adoptive parents paid for all the expenses which of course wasn’t brought up at all. These expenses are even separate from the adoption fees, so it’s an additional expense we have to pay.

One birth mom was looking at profiles and said the “agency better give me something good” when she couldn’t find a family she wanted. Call me prejudice, but I think all families are “good”. They just have different qualities that some birth moms appreciate more while others find less important. But, that comment made adoptive families look bad and “not good enough”.

At the end, what broke my heart was watching the birth moms so upset after giving their child up. I can’t imagine the pain of having to give up a child for any reason. My heart went out to the birth moms. What I didn’t appreciate was seeing the birth moms so upset and then turning to the adoptive parents who were so excited and happy. That is not the case in most situations. I had a really hard time after we signed the papers. As a matter of fact, a nurse told me I needed to be happy and enjoy this time after I was holding Hannah in the nursery after signing and couldn’t stop crying. I felt so bad for Hannah’s birth mom. I felt so guilty. Here was this woman giving us the most perfect gift but at the expense of a pain that was so unbearable.

How could I be so happy? How could any adoptive parent really be so happy about that?

So to give the impression that the adoptive families were as happy as they were was misleading, at least in our experience.

I really hope TLC does a special like this again, only different birth moms who don’t spend so much time partying and talking trash like these were. And also, a special on the side of adoptive moms. Not too many people know the ups and downs and the emotional rollercoaster they go through. I can’t understand the pain of having to give up a child by any means but I’m sure birth moms can’t understand the guilt and shame of accepting a child and causing pain to a birth mom, something I would hope can be shown.

Overall, a very disappointing special by TLC and I hope they are able to redeem themselves.

Pictures!

Here are a few pictures of some outside fun. This is Hannah's first time in the grass. She didn't know what to think of it. :). Then I took a picture of Hannah at our memory garden next to the rocks representing our angel babies. Love that picture so much!

A milestone!!

Hannah rolled over from her tummy to her back for the first time today!!

Jamie's baby Hannah

4-1/2 months

My Hannah Banana,

I can’t believe you’re already 4-1/2 months. Time has just flown by. At your 4-month well child check, you weighed 12 lbs 8 oz and you were 23-3/4 inches long. You’re really growing! You weigh almost twice as much as you did when you were born. It’s so good that you’re growing but I’m sad you’re getting so big! Mommy really wants you to stay little.

You’re still up every 2 hours at night. You must really love bonding time with Mommy! You’ve had a couple nights where you’ll have a 6-hour stretch but for the most part, you like to wake up every 2 hours. And you don’t nap too well during the day. You’re usually up for a couple hours and then will take a nap for an hour or less. You’re just not a good sleeper. Don’t worry, that will change when you’re a teenager.

We started you on rice cereal on April 16. At first you just tried spitting it right back out but after a couple days, you really seemed to like it! Now you open up your mouth really wide to get some of that cereal. We had thought you would sleep better once you started on the rice cereal, but that didn’t happen.

You really enjoy spending time with Mommy during the night, don’t you?

Guess what! You said your first word on April 27! You said “Mama”! It was clear as day and both Daddy and I heard it. You were in the living room with Daddy and kind of fussing so I came out to see what was wrong. When I started talking and lifting you up, you calmed down and said “Mama”. It was so special. I feel so honored that your first word was “Mama”. Daddy says we gotta work on “Dada” now.

We took our first family vacation the last week of April. We went up to the North Shore at Superior Shores Resort where Mommy and Daddy went on their honeymoon. That place has always had a very special place in our hearts and we were so excited to go for the first time with you! It was a little chilly....okay, a lot chilly, but we still managed to get a few pictures down on the shore. We’re excited to go back there again real soon.

You have beautiful, long eyelashes and very long fingers. Many people have commented that you are going to be a pianist. You also have the cutest “chipmunk cheeks” that Mommy just loves to kiss and nibble on. They are so cute.

A habit we’ve noticed in the last couple weeks is that you love to suck on your first finger on your left hand. I think you’re going to be a finger sucker.

One of the greatest joys in my life is hearing you wake up in the morning, talking, and then going in to pick you up and watching you break into the biggest smile. There’s no better way to start the day than a Hannah Banana smile.

I love you sweet Hannah.

Love,

Mommy

20 weeks

Can't believe Hannah is 20 weeks! It's getting harder to take the weekly pics as all she wants to do is eat the bear's foot. :)

My biggest fear

I’m terrified of losing Hannah.

I know it’s the infertile in me. At first when we brought Hannah home, I was afraid the state would take her away, that our house wasn’t clean enough, Hannah wasn’t taken good enough care of, we looked too exhausted, etc. Something crazy that the state would mark us down for and she would be taken away from us.

Now, I don’t worry about that so much. After 4 visits with our social worker, I’m very comfortable knowing that it’s all just formality and that the state just has to do the visits and they are there to help. I no longer worry about Hannah being taken away that way.

And I don’t worry so much anymore about the birthfather taking Hannah away. At first I was terrified the birthfather would find out about Hannah and come and demand her back. Not so much anymore, although there is a part of me that does worry about that. You hear all these horror stories and Mark and I recently watched a movie called “Adoption Terror” where the birthfather stalks the family to get the baby back.

Yeah, not a movie I recommend at all, especially when you have insecurities like I do. Watching that movie was a dumb move, Tammy. Dumb, dumb move.

What I worry about most is Hannah dying from SIDS or something happening and yet I know I can’t worry about that. Obviously that’s not in my control, only God’s, and yet I worry about it. I’m terrified that after we waited so long, she’ll be taken away.

After all, we went through so much to get her here and lost so much in the process, including babies, so how in the world can I expect such a wonderful baby to actually stay? That hasn’t happened before so what makes this time any different?

I honestly try not to think about and just enjoy the moment, enjoy Hannah. And I do. I really do. Oh my goodness, I cherish every second I have with her and I can’t believe how much I absolutely love this little girl with all my heart. I even love the every 2 hours we spend at night that she gets up (although wouldn’t mind a 4-hour stretch once in awhile).

But how will I know she’ll stay?

Why does that “infertility mind” literally stay with you even when you have your dream? I wish it would just go away.

A few more 3-month pictures

She is just so cute, isn't she? :)