A picture you don't see often

We've had an odd winter here in Wisconsin. We just recently had 70 degrees after having a foot of snow a week & a half ago

I took this picture this weekend. It was 75 degrees outside. Hannah's in her sun dress & playing in the snow.

Only in Wisconsin. :)

Easter

Yes, I know Easter was a month ago but I never posted her pictures. :( She was so beautiful that day and I have to show her off in her cute Easter outfit. :)

Easter is a very special holiday to us. Last year on Easter, Hannah was dedicated to the Lord which was extremely important to us. And there was no other holiday that could possibly be better to dedicate your child to the Lord than on Easter. It was so amazing.

So, Easter will always hold a special place in our hearts. :)

Last year she was 3 months and this year she was 15 months. Time just flies!

 Hannah



Hannah and Daddy

Hannah with Mommy & Daddy

Love these pictures. We are blessed.

A turnaround

Again, I really want to thank you all for all your love and support.


To make it short and sweet, I decided to let things go. It sounds sooooo easy and something that people are probably thinking “Well duh!”. But in all honesty, it’s not that easy.

The hardest part was Hannah’s sleeping. People can’t understand what you go through unless you’ve had a “wakeful baby”. I don’t mean that with any disrespect at all but it’s true. You really can’t understand what it’s like. Also, no one can understand what it’s like to have a chronically ill spouse too unless you’ve been through it. Since Mark and I got married 12 years ago, I’ve basically had to sleep with one eye open in case he needed me. Put Hannah and Mark together and I just wasn’t sleeping and I wanted it fixed.

But then after seeing the sleep specialist and having Hannah on such a strict schedule, it just proved to be too much. I found myself in tears all the time. If I didn’t get Hannah to sleep for her nap in that time, I felt like a failure. If I didn’t have the lights dim by a certain time, I felt like a failure. If her bath didn’t last the whole scheduled time, I felt like a failure. If she woke up more than 6 times a night, I felt like a failure.

I felt like a failure a lot.

Then after having a long talk with Hannah’s pediatrician and deciding that this schedule was just not working and that we should just stop doing it, I felt like a failure because I couldn’t do something that seemed so simple.

Feeling like a failure was a common thing for me for a long time.

But then I realized that I was too good of a mother to feel like such a failure. I know that sounds conceited and it doesn’t mean to be. I just feel that I was putting myself down too much and wasn’t focusing on the wonderful daughter I was raising and how well she was doing. She was fed, growing, happy and an amazing little girl.

The fact is motherhood is the most frustrating, best, hardest, rewarding, stressful and wonderful, amazing job I’ve ever done.

As time went on I began to feel better. I don’t think many would agree with this but I just let Hannah tell me or show me what she wanted. I’d let her stay up as late as she wanted or until she showed me signs she was tired. I wouldn’t force the naps. If she was tired and wanted one, she would grab her blanket and sippy and come to me. If I tried to put her down and she didn’t want to, she wouldn’t go down.

Yeah, I let her run the show. I was in survival mode and I just needed to survive.

But you know what? I’m happier and she’s much more content. She doesn’t fight sleep as much. If she doesn’t get a nap she’s a very, very crabby girl but that just means she might go to bed earlier. I’m much more relaxed. The sleep specialist told us if she got 2 solid naps and more sleep during the day she’d sleep better at night. Hannah has proved that to be wrong so many times. So instead of fighting it and making a big deal about it, I’ve done the opposite. I just go with the flow.

And I feel so much happier about it.

I used to feel that because I struggled so much I wasn’t entitled to say anything negative about motherhood. I don’t like the word “complain” because I don’t feel I’m doing that. Just negative talk. But the truth is, motherhood is hard and it doesn’t matter if you tried 1 month or 10 years. It’s amazingly hard. I’m not saying I don’t enjoy Hannah and I don’t want people who are still trying to think I’m ungrateful. That’s so far from the truth. I just know that it’s tough and yet so rewarding at the same time and I’m glad I’ve got to experience all the trials and rewards motherhood brings. While we were trying I remember thinking once I had the baby I would never talk negative, always cherish every moment and just know how fortunate I was just to have a baby when so many others were trying so hard.

That didn’t happen.
I’m a realistic person and a very honest, upfront person. I wake up every morning knowing how fortunate I am to have a baby and how grateful I am that we finally have our baby to call our own. At the same time, it’s not an easy road and just because we had a hard time getting to motherhood, that doesn’t mean motherhood is a piece of cake. And I’m allowed to have my bad days just like everyone else.
Once I realized that and realized that I am a good mother and not a failure, I felt much better. I know one day Hannah will sleep better. I know one day it will all be a distant memory and I’ll miss it. So many nights when I’m holding Hannah and I’m exhausted with tears in my eyes, I think to myself “You’re gonna miss this. You’re gonna want this time back”. It gets me through the rough times because I know it’s true. I miss those days when Peyton would spend the night and come into our room begging to sleep with us. We let her as long as it was our secret and she didn’t tell her parents. :) I never got sleep, just a foot in the mouth, arm in the face, etc.

But I loved it and I miss it and her terribly. Those Peyton days were precious and now she’ll be turning 7 soon and is perfectly happy when she does spend the night (which is so few and far between now) to sleep in the living room.

So, I know one day I’ll miss it. Yes, even the sleepless nights. I’ll want her to want me again, to snuggle, to reach out to me and rock her to sleep.

I’ve had a couple people say that we should’ve never gone to the sleep specialist but in my opinion it was the best thing we could’ve done. I had a professional tell me that it was nothing I was doing wrong, that this sleeping pattern was common in temperamental babies, I wasn’t alone and that crying it out usually doesn’t work with these babies. All things I desperately needed to hear.

And I realized that I just couldn’t do the “schedule” thing and I had to let things go. Something I probably wouldn’t have realized or done had we not seen the specialist. So I totally think that seeing the specialist was what we needed to do and what I needed, even just to realize that this wasn’t a parenting issue and that I was a good mom.

We are now co-sleeping which honestly doesn’t help Hannah sleep much better but at least I don’t have to get up when she wakes up. I can physically stay in bed and Mark is right there by my side, too. Like most kids, even though she’s just a tiny thing, Hannah takes up practically the whole bed so I don’t seem to get much sleep and most nights I end up sleeping on her crib mattress on the floor while she’s in bed with Mark but it still works so much better. I go to bed when she goes down as she goes to sleep with me holding her. I usually don’t fall asleep right away, but I lay there resting, holding my daughter as I hear her sweet breaths and feel her chest move up and down.

It doesn’t get any better that that. And one day I’ll miss it.

I’m a good mother with an amazing daughter who just is a terrible sleeper but the best daughter I could ever imagine and I love her so much.

I’d like to say to those with blogs, I’m sooooo sorry I haven’t been keeping up. When I was in my slump I wasn’t on at all but now my laptop crashed and now I don’t have a computer other than my work computer and they monitor our sites so I can’t go onto blogs. I don’t want to lose my job so I can’t risk it. But please know I’m thinking and praying for you all and thanking you all sooooo much for loving me and all your support.

Doing much better :)

I want to thank everyone for your thoughts, prayers, love & support. It really means alot. I'm doing much better & will be doing a blog post soon about it.

But for now I wanted to share a picture of my girl & just thank everyone for being there & loving me & my girl so much.

I'm so blessed.

I'll be back soon. :). Much love

Update

First I want to thank you all for all your messages, love, prayers and support.

I wanted to make this private as I don’t want this completely out there. I have a friend who got in big trouble for being so honest on her blog and I don’t want that to happen.

I wanted to update everyone.

At Hannah’s 15-month check, I talked to her pediatrician about her sleeping issues and what the sleep specialist had to say. Her pediatrician could tell it was taking a huge toll on me having to record all the times, have a set schedule for naps, bedtimes, etc. and trying so hard to stay with the schedule and what the specialist wanted. It was creating more stress than anything and he advised us to go back to the way things were.

I admit, I was so down and depressed about everything. I felt like I was letting everyone down. I was so stressed out trying to get Hannah to sleep. Basically, stressed and so anxious.

Then Hannah got sick and then I got sick. It was a supposed virus that would last for 2 weeks or so with a stomachache, headache and exhaustion. It really drained me out, really drained me, and longer than 2 weeks. Not only was I so depressed and anxious, but I was sick and beyond exhausted not only from being sick but from lack of sleep. I couldn’t function. I was having such a hard time.

Luckily I have a wonderful family who really has come through for me.

Now I’m finally feeling on the mend so I’m not as exhausted. But I admit I’m still so down and anxious. Everything makes me on edge. I have no appetite. I’ve lost a lot of weight.

And it’s not just Hannah not sleeping, it’s Mark’s issues. He’s been having more low sugar reactions and more chest pain. I thought watching Hannah during the day was too much so I had thought maybe putting her in daycare was the best. However, Mark doesn’t want to do that and wants to spend as much time with her as possible. I know he feels he missed out on it with his other boys as they got divorced when they were young and he doesn’t want to miss out on anything with Hannah. I respect that so much and I think he’s an awesome dad. But it does make it harder on me not getting a break at all. This summer we’ll be having a couple babysitters a couple days a week so that will help.

I don’t want to feel this way. I want to enjoy Hannah and enjoy motherhood. I don’t want to feel so anxious and down. I wish I felt better. I really do. I don’t choose to be like this and I don’t know how to change it.

Yes, I’m getting help. I’m seeing a therapist and I’m on an antidepressant. I know Hannah’s sleeping issues will get better or that’s what people tell me. This will pass.

It’s just so hard right now trying to function, enjoy life and be happy.

I want to say that Hannah is very well taken care of and when I feel I can’t function, I make sure I let my family know and they step in. Hannah’s okay and very happy and taken care of. Mark is okay, too. I still take care of them to the best of my ability and I’m so blessed to have the help I do. Please know that that there is nothing to worry about.

I’m just having a hard time right now, full of anxiety and exhaustion. I worry about everything, most of which I don’t have any control. I know as Christians we are told not to worry and I’m trying so hard not to. But it’s much easier said than done. But I’m trying.

I just wanted to update everyone and thank you for your love and support. Please continue to pray for me as I’m really struggling and having a hard time. I want to be happy again and enjoy life.

I have a beautiful, amazing daughter and a wonderful husband and a wonderful life. I just want to be happy.

14 Responses to "Protected: Update"

1 | Megan
April 9, 2013 at 12:29 pm

Aww hun,I am so sorry that you are struggling so much :-( Please know that even though it has been awhile since we talked that I am still VERY MUCH here for you! Call anytime day or night, I mean that! ((Giant hugs)) -Megan


2 | lara
April 9, 2013 at 1:30 pm

Oh honey. I hate it for you that this is such a difficult time. I am glad you can lay it all out like this and it is so wonderful that you have family to help and that you are reaching out for support and help where needed. Sometimes I have to remind myself that God tells us this world is not easy. Plus, lack of sleep will make anyone feel like they are falling apart. Hang in there – you are doing a wonderful job for Hannah and Mark. Sending prayers and hugs your way!


3 | Hillary
April 9, 2013 at 1:41 pm

I’m so glad that you have an honest place where you can vent and share your heart. Motherhood is no walk in the park. We are supposed to be all sunshine and roses all the time but that’s just not reality. We all struggle with some aspect of raising our kids. Know that you are not alone. You are a great Momma and a wonderful wife.

xoxox

4 | tracy
April 9, 2013 at 2:00 pm

Prayers your way Momma! Hang in there. Thank goodness for your family. Let them help as much as the can, even take Hanna for the night. Is hard job being in charge of everthing.. without sleep. Please take care of your self. Eat! If you can’t eat, drink Ensure or protien shakes. You need food for your brain and mood. Eat!



5 | COUNTRY MOM
April 9, 2013 at 2:32 pm

Tammy, Thank You for letting me read your private post and thoughts. I am so very sorry you are having a rough time. I’m glad you are getting help and letting your family help you. Don’t hesitate, let them help all they want. You don’t even have to say Hannah is taken care of, of course she is. She has you for a Momma. You are such a blessing. I wish I lived closer to you and could babysit for you or do chores. I think of you often and of course will pray for you. I already do. I am here if you ever want to call me (anytime), text or email whatever you would like. I love you my friend,


6 | K
April 9, 2013 at 2:33 pm

I’m going to echo everyone else here and say I’m so sorry it’s so hard right now!!! **hugs***
In addition to attempting to get more sleep/less stress/space etc… maybe also hit your doctor’s office and have some blood tests run? I’d hate to see a vitamin deficiency adding to these struggles for you. As someone else said, lack of sleep is killer. Also, lack of exercise and sunshine can exacerbate these problems. Try to get outside when it’s sunny (or sit in a sunny window). At least spring is (slowly) coming!!


7 | Jennifer
April 9, 2013 at 2:36 pm

Oh Tammy! I sure am praying that things get better soon. I’m so glad you have a good support system. Many hugs and much love!


8 | marjorie
April 9, 2013 at 8:04 pm

It’s so great that you have such a supportive family. Sometimes the big picture of being a parent can be so hectic and exhausting, but there is happiness too. When I was a young mom with very small children, there were days when happiness came in tiny spoonfuls. Reading a story to my kids, hearing their little voices chiming in as I read to them, those little things were my happiness. If I thought of the big picture, things could get overwhelming. Take one day at a time. Don’t worry about trying to be an awesome mom. You already are that, everyone can see how happy and well-loved Hannah is. You are in my prayers.



9 | therobisonfamily
April 10, 2013 at 8:36 am

I am praying for you sweet friend. I am here if you need me anytime!


10 | Amber
April 10, 2013 at 8:42 am

I’m so sorry you are going through all of this. It’s hard. Life is hard. Being a mom and sick is hard. Lack of sleep is super super hard. We all worry as Christians, if we say we don’t, we are lying to ourselves :) Cling to the scriptures about anxiety and worry. Repeat them over and over, meditate on them. They will help you a lot.
I have a slight suggestion that I had to do… I was at the END of my rope with no sleep. I couldn’t do it anymore. I don’t have any family near me that can help. My family is in another state and my husbands family, aren’t around to help in anyway, ever. I was so against CIO. I mean dead set against it. I got so desperate that I begin praying for God to give me a peace about what to do next with regards to sleep. I’m not saying God told me to try CIO but I kept feeling him tell me to “teach him”, teach R to sleep. My only conclusion in all that was CIO. I made an appt with my pediatrician to talk about it. She said to me, “Amber, no child ever died from CIO and no child has emotion detachment or wounds from CIO.” I took her advice and prayed and prayed and prayed. I really felt like I had to do it, I felt in order to be a healthy mom, I had to. I did it. And guess what? It took less than 2 days and less than 5 minutes of crying. He was younger than Hannah when I did it but I told him as I laid him down, “mommy is leaving, it’s time to go night night and you’re going to cry and mommy isn’t coming in but I love you so much.”
I know you don’t like suggestions like this but I felt the need to offer some help. I’ve been there, lots of us have. I truly believe that those who have older kids that don’t sleep, is because they’ve never been taught to sleep. It’s food for thought.
I’m praying for you. For relief, for wisdom and for guidance.

HUGS! and hopefully you aren’t disgusted by my comment :)




11 | Teresa lees
April 10, 2013 at 9:56 pm

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. I understand how hard and overwhelming husbands and babies can be. I too am taking an antidepressant . You are an amazing mother and wife. I really hope things will get better for you. I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts.


12 | Brittney
April 13, 2013 at 3:53 pm

Oh friend I think you’re doing a great job despite everything you have going on; it’s way too much for one person! I’m so sorry you’re having a difficult time. Continuing to pray for healing and for things to get better for you all.


13 | G
April 14, 2013 at 8:20 pm

Oh how I wish I lived closer, would love to help you. Hugs sent your way :)




14 | Carol
July 17, 2013 at 10:39 am

I’m just now reading this as I just asked for the password. I’m a grandmother now but, let me tell, you raising children is not for the faint of heart. It’s hard work for anyone to does it even if they don’t admit it. I raised four and look back now and don’t know how I did it.

One of my son’s wives is a stay at home mother and I tell her all the time she is doing the hardest job on earth. Occasionally, I am lucky enough to get to babysit my grandchildren who live out of town, and, again, it is hard work. Moreso than the physical part is the constancy of dealing with trying to keep the little guys on an even keel when they, just by there nature, are unreasonable a goodly part of the time. Red cup not blue cup, little fork, not big fork, want cookie now, not after supper, etc.

It definitely is so worth it but, again, not simple to take care of a small child. I could give more and more examples. But, you have to take care of yourself first thing. You are very important to your family dynamics and care. Thank goodness you have family close by so they can help. Don’t feel guilty for asking for help. Sleep deprivation is very difficult to deal with for me, I know. Both physically and emotionally. So, make sure you get some rest and take a break when you need it. As a mother myself, I KNOW that your mother would be happy to help you!