My letter to the local paper

For those who follow me on FB, you know our community has been dealing with a big tragedy. For those who don't know, a 2-year-old boy went missing about 5-10 miles away from our house. There were about 2450 volunteers who searched for this boy. About 24 hours later, his body was found in a locked car in the trunk on the property.

An investigation has been ensued since.

It was extremely disappointing to me the way people in our community went from being so supportive and coming together to being judgmental, pointing fingers, etc.  It bothered me so much that I wrote a letter into the local paper.

Please don't comment about speculations, rumors, etc. I'll delete them. I don't want this to be a place to "speculate" what happened. I just wanted to show my support and prayer and wanted to post this for people to see.

Here is the letter:



THANK YOU LAW ENFORCEMENT


On July 17 I was so proud to be a part of this amazing community. Only a day later, I couldn’t be more disappointed. So many were pointing fingers, placing blame without knowing all the facts, etc.

What bothered me the most was how people were talking law enforcement down so much. Nobody knows all the exact details of course but I’m sure they were doing what they thought was the best way to handle it as quickly as possible to find him with his history of wandering off in the area and supposedly being told the car was locked before he went missing. The truth was they didn’t know the boy at all and doing what they thought was the best way to find the boy with the information they had.

You never know when you will need law enforcement. I recognized one police officer at the search as one who had come to my house within minutes of calling 9-1-1 at 2 a.m. when my husband was having a seizure to see if he could help. He directed the ambulance to our house so I could be with my husband. This police officer and his wife were at the search, very sunburnt, obviously exhausted and I knew they had children at home. Yet they were there and obviously had been there for awhile.

We’ve had other law enforcement come to our house in emergencies to help during a medical crisis with my husband. We’ve also had to have law enforcement run a background check on us and do paperwork several times during our adoption process.

As a mom it’s easy to get emotional about the situation but it’s sad to me to hear such negative comments about it. It’s important to remember this is about Isaiah and that he was an innocent child who lost his life. We don’t know what happened and may never will, but God does and it’s in His hands. We need to remember the positive--that thousands of people volunteered to help, our amazing community and now a boy is in the arms of Jesus where there is no better place to be. We can’t jump to conclusions but must only remember Isaiah and the wonderful outpouring of support from our community. I only hope and pray Isaiah was able to see everyone who loved him and went out of their way to help him. And may we all learn to hold our kids tighter.

No matter what, a lot of people feel a lot of guilt. I feel guilt for not searching more and because I’m able to hold my 19-month-old while the Thies family aren’t able to hold their baby. I can’t imagine the guilt the family and police feel but pointing fingers and jumping to conclusions only makes them feel worse and doesn’t help a thing. The important thing is to remember a little boy was lost too early and a community came together in an amazing way in a time of need. That’s what we need to remember.

I am praying for the family and police. The police have nothing to hang their heads about. Many worked around the clock looking for this precious boy, away from their own families to bring this boy home. I am praying for everyone’s comfort.

Part Two--the cookie crumbles

Have you ever felt like you were walking along the most manicured path, beautiful flowers, everything is going well…..then you come to a cliff and end up falling thousands of feet into the lowest, darkest valley?

Well, that’s pretty much where I’m at right now.

I’m an emotional wreck right now.

Again, I don’t want to talk bad about anybody or anything but I want this documented. There may be one day Hannah questions what happened and I want her to know the reasons I did the things I did.

I received another call from Hannah’s birth mom, L, yesterday. At first things were again, just fine. We talked again a bit about the mixup with the pictures and stuff. She asked if we ever got the bear she sent Hannah to which I assured her we did. With that bear was a sealed letter for Hannah for her to read one day. She told me things what was in the letter so I knew when to give it to her when she was ready. I also told her that at Hannah’s first birthday party we had a special prayer for her and we thought of her. We knew that was a hard day for her. I always wanted to let her know that and had written that in a letter to her I had mailed along with telling her we had gotten the bear but of course she never got that.

Then came the biggest bombshell.

She told me she had talked to who she thought was Hannah’s birthfather. He hadn’t known L was pregnant. He of course had questions and wasn’t too happy she had given Hannah up. He wanted to know what she looked like, etc. However, L didn’t know for sure he was the birthfather. He wanted a blood test to make sure and then wanted us to send pictures to him.

If someone would’ve knocked me down on the ground and kicked me in the stomach one hundred times, I would’ve felt better than I did at that moment. The life was sucked out of me and for several reasons.

One, our very agency had been in the national news not too long ago for a case in which the birthfather didn’t know about the baby. He sued and won and the 2-year-old baby was given back to the birthfather. I never forgot about that case and that case immediately came to my mind and I panicked. (I later was reassured by my consultant about that particular case, that they were married at the time, different rules apply and completely different situation so I feel MUCH better about that).

Second, why now? Why would some guy want to be involved in our lives now? Especially being he wasn’t too happy about Hannah being given up. Apparently they had talked for 3 hours about Hannah. What can you talk about for 3 hours about a child you don’t even know? Why did he want to know what Hannah looked like when I had sent pictures to L and she knew what she looked like and could show her pictures? Why can’t she just forward pictures to him instead of us needing to be involved?

Third, you really want me to poke and get blood tests from my daughter and hear her scream for no reason that benefits her at this point in her life? I know, a minor point, but I don’t like to see her hurt and I very seldom let them take blood from her at the doctor’s office unless it’s absolutely necessary. I hated watching her get her shots and seeing her in pain. Why aren’t they thinking of that?

Now some people may be thinking he’s the birthfather and he has that right to know. I agree, he does. However, L took that right away from him the minute she signed the papers. She signed all rights to us. The only contract we have with her is sending pictures every 2 years. That’s it. That’s the only thing we legally have to do.

Also what bothered me is that L never acknowledged us as Hannah’s parents in this conversation yesterday and that bothered me a lot. For some reason it rubbed me the wrong way. It was always “her” daughter and “his” daughter. I honestly think she feels we are her parents “in a way” but I also feel she thinks she has the “main” hold on Hannah. It was so hard listening to her say some of the things she did:

“She looks just like me!”. What I wanted to say: No! She looks like Mark!
“She has my hair!” No! She has my hair!
“I know she’s [S’] daughter. She has some of his features.” No! She’s our daughter. She has our features. That’s Mark’s smile she has.

Every time she talked about “her” daughter I wanted to say: “Do you even know her? Have you stayed awake at night rocking her and being exhausted beyond measure? Do you feed her? Do you pay for diapers? Have you ever wiped her tears when she fell and got hurt? Have you taken her to the doctor? Do you know she loves Spongebob, balls and dogs? Do you know she waves hi and bye to everyone? Did you spend $75K to bring her home? Are you saving up for her college education? Are you currently fighting a legal battle for her after the government took away money from her? Most of all, does she call you mommy? Does she reach for you when she’s tired or hurt? Do you even KNOW HER?”

I obviously didn’t say any of that but in all honesty, I really wanted to. I didn’t feel the same compassion for Hannah as I have before, only compassion for the guy to know if he was Hannah’s birthfather. I honestly look back now and am a bit bothered that she hasn’t asked about Hannah as much as she has. Pretty much what I’ve written down in the previous post and this one are the only things she’s asked/talked about. If it were me, I would’ve asked about everything if I could. However, I do realize that it might be hard for her to hear and I do understand that, really I do.

Now it may sound like I have no respect or love for her but I do. I really do. I love her so much and my heart will always have a special spot for her—always. She gave Hannah life. But Hannah was created for us. God made her special FOR US. She signed over rights and although she carried Hannah for 9 months, I’ve been nurturing, caring, fighting for her, etc. for the last 18 months and will be for the rest of her life.

I’m her mom. She’s my daughter.

I will always respect her as her birthmother and will always respect Hannah’s right and decision as far as meeting her when she’s 18. And anything having to do with her birthfather when she’s 18 is her decision and I fully 100% respect that. I did find out in that letter L wrote, she did write about who she thinks might be the birthfather and information about him. At this point, that’s all we need to know. Hannah doesn’t need to know anything more. Like I said, when Hannah turns 18 she can do what she wants. If she wants to meet her birthparents, I 100% support that. Also, if she has no interest in meeting them, I 100% support that too. It’s her decision and her decision will always be the right one.

Until then, she’s my responsibility and my daughter. Her safety is my 100% concern, not some random guy who just “needs to know” if he’s the birthfather (I refuse to call him anything but “birthfather” as Mark is Hannah’s father. Same with L being her birthmother. I’m Hannah’s mother.)

This may sound harsh but these are my feelings. Birthparents may be upset by my feelings and think I’m being heartless and I don’t mean that.

But at this point I have no clue why all of a sudden L decides to talk to whom she thinks is Hannah’s birthfather, 18 months after she was born. He’s a random guy that I’ve never met. L doesn’t want to talk about this in front of her boyfriend because it upsets him….really? Why would you feel it’s okay to talk to the adoptive family about this and think it was okay when your boyfriend was upset about it?

At this point Mark and I have decided to cut off communication. I won’t be answering phone calls or texts. I’ll be keeping my same cell phone number unless things get too bad or scary. I’ve got a shared plan with my sister so any tracking of the number goes to her and not me, if she can even track it. I honestly don’t think she ever would but I can never be too careful. I don’t want to change the phone number just in case of emergency but I will if I have to.

She doesn’t know our last name and only that we live in Wisconsin. I never gave that information out or our street address and city and I’m so glad I didn’t.

My gut tells me that this situation is harmless and that L just doesn’t realize what she’s asking of us. But I can’t be too careful. I love L but I love Hannah and Mark more and their safety is the most important.

I’ll be going back through the agency sending pictures and letters. I hate doing that as I don’t trust the agency but our safety is the most important. I don’t trust the agency but I really have a bad feeling about L and our safety and it’s safer for us to go through the agency.

I feel awful about all this. I question the contact I made but at the same time I believe God wanted me to contact her. It did give us both some answers we needed and I was able to tell her things I wanted her to know. But I also think God gave me a wakeup call. He wanted to remind me to be careful and to help me realize that Hannah is my responsibility, my daughter and my right to protect her.

I’m sad, hurt and angry.

But I’m also full of love for my daughter. I’m holding her tighter, snuggling up with her more, giving her more hugs and kisses and loving up on her more than ever. She’s my girl, my daughter and I love her with all my heart and soul.


12 Responses to "Protected: Part two–the cookie crumbles"


1 | Amber D'Amico
July 16, 2013 at 1:49 pm

I think 100% the right thing is to do what you’ve done… Cut off direct contact & go back through the agency. If the agency is shady and doesn’t give them, that’s not your fault or problem. You’ve held up your end of the deal and that’s all you’re responsible for. I would’ve had the exact same emotions honestly. You are right, as Hannah’s mom your job is to protect her. Hang in there.



2 | Jennifer
July 16, 2013 at 2:32 pm

Man, how awful! But, you are doing the right thing – Hannah is your daughter and responsibility so you must keep her and your family safe. (Hugs!)


3 | stephanie
July 16, 2013 at 3:04 pm

I’m so sorry. What a scary ordeal!! You are a wonderful Mommy to Hannah :)



4 | Ashley
July 16, 2013 at 4:08 pm

I understand your fear, Tammy. I would probably feel the same way in that situation. I think it’s wise to use the agency for all contact.



5 | Brittney
July 16, 2013 at 8:32 pm

Oh Tammy. I read your first post and this one and am so sorry to hear about all this!! What a heart-breaking, difficult situation for you and Mark to have to deal with:( I echo others’ comments and feelings – before I got to the part of your post where you said you’d decided to cut off contact with L (except through the agency) I was going to suggest distancing yourself from the birthmother as much as possible for the protection of your daughter mainly, but also for yours and Mark’s protection. I ABSOLUTELY believe you’re doing the right thing. Even though I’m sure it’s a very difficult decision I commend you for making it and for firmly standing your ground. You’ve already given so much to the birthmother, above and beyond your legal obligations, simply by reaching out to her. And from my perspective she’s (perhaps unintentionally) taking advantage of your sweet, giving heart by asking for anything more. You are right that you don’t owe her or the birthfather, even if he is in fact genetically related to Hannah, anything else. You are a FANTASTIC Mama, Tammy, don’t ever doubt that!! Your love for everyone and for Hannah most of all as her Mom first and foremost is very evident. I’ll be praying for you to have complete peace about this going forward. Love you:)


6 | Carol
July 17, 2013 at 10:28 am

All I can say, is “Oh, Lord”. I completely and totally support you in doing everything possible to ensure the safety of your child and family. She is your daughter and you should not have live under this cloud. Keep up your end of the bargain to L which involves only sending pictures and do it safely. And, then do what you do best–love and nurture your family and take care of yourself!



7 | Shannon R
July 17, 2013 at 3:55 pm

cut off contact NOW. change your email/cell phone whatever it takes. Go through the agency. If they don’t forward info. It is off you. You did what was asked. You are her parents and she does look just like y’all. I have always told you that. I will pray for protection for Hannah and your family form unnecessary drama. Now I say all of that, but I want you to do whatever Mark says to do. Thinking of you and praying!


8 | Heaven rain
July 17, 2013 at 7:28 pm

Tammy, this explains why the other family stopped sending pics and letters to them!!!
Hanna IS YOUR DAUGHTER!!! YOU are HER MOMMY! You are a wonderful mamma:) god bless!


Ky
July 19, 2013 at 12:20 pm

I was thinking the same thing. Maybe the other family got scared too, and that’s why they cut off contact.

twondra
July 19, 2013 at 6:49 pm

We have a legal contract. We HAVE to send pictures. I’m sure the other family did too. L didn’t exchange phone numbers with them so it was all through the agency. I think the agency just lost the pics just like with us. That’s my gut. Legally they need to send pics if L wants & she does



9 | tracy
July 21, 2013 at 8:26 pm

I’m so so sorry this happened. Wow, what a bomb shell. You are so right on ALL counts. Makes me wonder about the other family? You are seriously the best mom and dad. I remember when hannah was tiny tiny and I said “I think she looks like Mark” Send your pics,write your letters and thats it. Listen to your gut on whats right for you,

Talking to Hannah's birth mom

This is going to be a lot of mumble-jumble stuff and you may not want to read it all.

I just wanted it documented mainly for Hannah’s sake. I really want all communication between me and her birth mom documented as much as possible and how it came about. To me, there is always a reason and it’s always a God thing.

I didn’t want this public for several reasons, hence the password protected post.

I’m sitting here trying to figure out where to even begin.

I don’t want to talk bad about an adoption agency and I know there are 2 sides to every story. I honestly don’t know what the truth is in this whole mess. It’s probably somewhere in the middle. But I’m not going to say the name of our agency as I don’t want to bring negativity to it. After all, they did help bring us our beautiful Hannah.

I remember so clearly back when Hannah was born, her birth mom (who I will refer to as L) told me about another girl she had given up for adoption about 10 years ago. The family sent pictures up until about 5 years ago. All of a sudden they stopped. When L found out she was pregnant with Hannah, the agency had originally tried to contact the family who adopted her first girl to see if they wanted to adopt this baby she was pregnant with but they couldn’t get a hold of them. It was like they fell off the face of the earth. L said she was disappointed in the family and thought about that girl so much. She told me with tears in her eyes she knew we wouldn’t do that to her. I took her hand and promised her we would make sure she would get any pictures and letters she wanted. Then she hugged me and said she knew we would keep our promise and thanked me.

I never forgot that and was determined to keep my promise.

Despite L stating she only wanted pictures every 2 years, I sent pictures last November of Hannah’s first year along with a letter stating her milestones. They were separately sealed so she could see them when/if she wanted but I wanted her to have them. I also sent a birthday card and a Mother’s Day card last year.

About 6 weeks ago we got a letter from the agency stating L wanted pictures of Hannah’s first birthday. I had no problem with that of course. They gave me an email address we could send them to or the mail address. What caught my attention was that they had given us their “new” address since they had “apparently moved since I had last contacted them”. When Hannah was born, they had just moved so we got the new address then. I thought it was strange they thought we hadn’t contacted them but didn’t think too much about it.

I emailed the pictures the next day and asked if they documented when they sent stuff so I knew L was getting them. I never heard back. A week later, I emailed again. I never heard back. A week later, I called the direct number to their birth parent representative and the number had been disconnected. Red flags were flying everywhere. I called their main number and got the voicemail. I left a detailed message and never heard back. To this day I still haven’t talked to a single soul at the agency. They never returned my calls or emails and to me that is so disappointing.

Not sure where to go to from here and having a bad feeling, I contacted our wonderful consultant we had worked with to get Hannah. She had a contact person from that agency so she emailed and she got a response so they started checking into it.

It was bothering me a lot. I had a bad feeling about it and I couldn’t help but think of the promise I made to L. I wasn’t going to let her down. We had exchanged phone numbers in the hospital just in case of emergency. I was so upset about everything and anxious I decided I’d take a chance at texting her. The last thing I wanted her to think was that we were not sending her pictures she requested and that we were just like the other family. L’s history is hers to tell but she has had a really rough life and I wanted to be a positive in her life.

I sent the following text to her: “Hi L! I hope this gets to you. I don’t know what else to do. This is Tammy and Mark. We got a letter a month ago from the agency saying you wanted 1-year pics of Hannah. I emailed some right away to them. But I never heard back from them, tried emailing again, then tried calling but the number was disconnected, then called another number and left a message but no one called back. I even had my consultant contact them for me but no one has contacted me. I wanted to make sure they got them & sent them to you. I just wanted you to know we sent them & I hope you got them but if you didn’t I promise it’s not us. We’ve had issues with the agency not contacting us. I hope you got the pics &letter I sent back in November too. I’m nervous now that you aren’t getting them. I hope you are. If you aren’t please let me know and I can personally send them to you. I’m so sorry to bug you but didn’t know what else to do. I think about you all the time. I miss you and love you. I talk to Hannah about you all the time and show her pictures. You’re very special to us and never, ever forgotten. ((HUGS))”

She called me an hour later, said she couldn’t talk as she was at work but wanted me to know that she never received anything at all from us since Hannah was born except her newborn pictures. She was so upset. She was fighting back tears as she told me she’d call the agency and call me the next day.

At this point I want to say that it has been a huge back and forth deal regarding this. The agency of course says they sent it all and of course L says she hasn’t. At this point I don’t know what the truth is (probably somewhere in the middle). The most disappointing thing to me is that the agency never contacted me directly and those items are things you can’t get back. In each of those letters and cards, I traced Hannah’s hand and that’s something that you just won’t be able to “redo” which is disappointing to me.

Anyway, the conversation with L which is the most important.

She called me the next day as promised. We talked a bit about the discrepancies with the agency. I reiterated to L that I would never hold back anything from her and she said she knew that and knew that something wasn’t right. She has an 18-year-old daughter who was dying to see pics of Hannah and was telling L that we were “just like the other family”. L told her that we wouldn’t do that to her and her boyfriend (who met us at the hospital) confirmed with L that we wouldn’t do that and that something wasn’t right.

I was so happy to hear she was still with her boyfriend as we fell in love with him. It was wonderful to be able to say hi to him again.

She told me a little of what she had been doing. She was working and doing well. She had stayed in the same state as the agency after Hannah was born.

Then she asked about Hannah. She wanted to know the color of her eyes, when she started walking, if she had lots of hair (L had beautiful, long hair when Hannah was born that since has cut off which made me sad). She asked if she was keeping us busy, how big she was. We talked about her small head and how I tease her that at least I know she doesn’t have a big head. I told her she looked so much like Mark and that we often teased Mark because we didn’t know who the birthfather was and was wondering where he had been 18 months ago. L loved that and laughed so hard. When I told her I always wanted a daughter who looked like Mark she said “Oh, really Tammy? See, it was meant to be. You guys were always the ones, always.”. She went on to say that she still doesn’t regret her decision and that she just wants to know she’s healthy and happy. She said her life was so unstable and she just couldn’t do that to Hannah and that she deserved better. She was still so happy she chose us. I didn’t realize how much I needed to hear that until she told me that.

She asked about Mark and how he was feeling. I told her what an amazing father he was to Hannah and how close they were.

I told her I’d mail some pictures and told her I’d text her some. When we got off the phone, I texted a few immediately to her. Her response was simple: “She is beautiful”.

I responded “Thank you sweetie. She reminds me of you. She has beautiful brown eyes. Love you. It was wonderful to talk to you.”

She responded “Same here”

I can’t even try to put into words the emotions I felt talking to her. Happy and sad. I miss her so much. I think of her all the time. She’s had it rough but has a huge heart and truly loves Hannah.

All things happen for a reason, I truly believe that. Without this mixup, I never would’ve thought to contact her unless it was an emergency. I don’t know what happened but I can imagine if she wasn’t getting the pictures, especially after requesting them, I’m sure she was thinking we were going to let her down just like the other family. Because I contacted her and reassured her, she knows I’ll go to the ends of the earth to make sure she doesn’t get hurt again. She’s been through more than anyone can go through in a lifetime and she needs to know there are good people in the world who will keep their promises and their word.

Thank the Lord we exchanged phone numbers and thank the Lord she never changed her phone number. It was truly God who led me to her and it was so amazing to talk to her.


1 | Melisaa Kruger
July 12, 2013 at 6:42 pm

That is totally awesome. I read it all.



2 | Tara Callaway
July 12, 2013 at 9:08 pm

Beautiful! Thank you for sharing.



3 | Stacie
July 12, 2013 at 9:38 pm

Wow, what a beautiful story, Tammy. Hannah is such a lucky little girl to have you as her Mommy. And, she has so many people that love her. I think it’s so wonderful that you were able to talk to L.

Thank you for sharing this with us.



4 | Amber
July 15, 2013 at 8:13 pm

I read it all too; it was not mumbo jumbo, it was good God kinda stuff! I can see God’s handprints all over your story and it’s perfect and beautiful. I’m glad you finally have a way to get pics to her!!


5 | Jennifer
July 15, 2013 at 8:40 pm

Wow! What a great story. We are going to meet Ellie’s birth parents for the very first time in August. So nervous and excited all at the same time. So glad you have contact with Hannah’s birth mom. hugs!


6 | Ashley
July 15, 2013 at 9:34 pm

Wow, I can’t believe an adoption agency would do that! That is great that you were able to contact her directly. Maybe you can exchange addresses and/or an email address and correspond that way, so you won’t have to worry about a 3rd party getting everything to the right places?


7 | Amanda S
July 16, 2013 at 9:14 am

Oh I’m so glad that you were able to contact her. Sounds like you both needed each other and didn’t even realize.
Hope you get some resolution from the adoption agency but not sure I’d hold my breath.



8 | Karrie
July 16, 2013 at 10:46 am

I’m so happy for you all. I couldn’t help but wonder if that is what happened with the other family? Maybe they have been trying to send her stuff too? How sad for her…



9 | stephanie
July 16, 2013 at 2:59 pm

I’m so happy that you were able to talk to her. I know that made you feel so much better (and her too!!).

She is mine

I’ve been debating about posting my thoughts on this but I’ve always been one to be honest and I really wanted this out there maybe in hopes of helping someone else or just some day reading this to make me feel better.


Some of this may sound odd, selfish, etc. but please read through the whole post and remember these are my feelings.

I have days where Hannah’s adoption will be brought up and I’ll have to do a second take and think to myself “Oh, that’s right, she’s adopted!”. Yep, I forget about it.

I also have days where I’ll feel like she was never mine to begin with and that she really belongs to her birth mom. Those days are usually the days when I receive something in the mail from the agency, when I’m sending pictures, letters, etc. Sometimes the feeling comes when someone will ask about her “real” mom or ask me about her “mom” without saying her “birth mom”, if I have contact with her mom, etc. So many times I want to say “I’m her mom and I think you’re really asking about her ‘birth’ mom”. I never say that of course and I know people mean no harm but some days it’s hard for me to hear.

Because those days make me feel like she never belonged to me. After all, her birth mom created her, gave birth to her, signed her rights over, etc.

But I also have my days that I KNOW I’m her mom. I’m the one who woke up with her numerous, many times during the night from the day she was born until now. I’m the one who cried many times from pure exhaustion. I’m the one who changes her diapers every day. I’m the one who feeds her. I’m the one who has wiped her tears. I’m the one she puts her arms out and she reaches for when she’s hurt or tired. I’m the one she wants to snuggle with at night or naptime when she’s tired. I’m the one who holds her when she’s sick. I’m the one who takes her to the doctor. I’m the one who sits up with her at night when her teeth are bothering her or when she has a night terror. I’m the one who knows she loves Spongebob, balls and dogs. I’m the one who knows she’d rather have cheese than a cookie. I’m the one who knows how to make her smile and laugh.

I'm her mom. She belongs to me.

Some days I feel like I have to “share” her and I grieve the “normal” part of parenting and not having that past history. Some days I wish I didn’t have to send pictures and letters, etc. I wish my family history was Hannah’s family history.

I know, that sounds horrible. It sounds selfish. It sounds like I don’t have a heart.

It sounds like a bitter woman who still has the scars of infertility. Those scars will never go away.

But really, in actuality, Hannah doesn’t belong to me or her birth mom but belongs to God. God is the one who has given me the most precious gift. He has entrusted me to raise her in this world. He didn’t have to give me this gift and yet He did. I thank God every day for this honor.

He also gave me the gift of being in a most precious adoption situation. A situation that our case worker said she has never seen such an amazing connection. A situation in which I was privileged to talk to Hannah’s birth mom just the other day, 18 months after Hannah was born, and hear the words “I still don’t regret my decision. I’m so happy Hannah is with you guys and she is happy and healthy. You guys were always the ones, always. I love you and miss you so much.”.

When I think about it, the day we adopted Hannah, we gained another family and another friend in her birth mom. Adoption can be so awesome. You can gain so much more than a baby sometimes.

So while, yes, I have my days that I feel like she’s not mine and that I grieve that my family history is not hers, etc., I also have days where I KNOW I’m her mom and that I gained so much by being her mom.

I thank God for entrusting me with His daughter, His child and for creating her for me.

I am Hannah’s mommy. She is mine.

Her shirt says it all

Gotcha Day 2013

Gotcha Day is a very important day in an adoption journey. It's the day the adoption becomes finalized. Many people celebrate it every year just like a birthday & this was definitely something we wanted to do. 

We want to thank those of you who acknowledged it. We got emails, texts & messages & I can't tell you how much it meant to us. Thank you!

That day we spent just the 3 of us & it was special 

We started out getting donuts 

Then we headed to Teddy Bear Park. It's a park nearby that is huge & catered to kids of all ages with playground equipment, sand box area, etc. Wonderful place & it's free. ;). Hannah had never been there so we were excited to bring her. It was overwhelming for her with all the kids but she eventually warmed up a bit. 

Mommy & Hannah

Daddy & Hannah 

Hannah giving Mommy knuckles 

Then we went to Target for a bit & Hannah was so excited to see the red ball! We don't have a Target nearby so this was very exciting to her. :)

Then we headed back home. We drove by a friend of mine's house. She loves Hannah so much & doesn't get to see Hannah much. Plus she just had surgery so we stopped to see her. 

Playing catch with Auntie Karen

Seeing Auntie Karen's horses

Then we went out for ice cream

Then we headed back home where Hannah & Mommy took a 2.5 hr nap! I know shocker. :)

Then we decided to try out a new restaurant in our town we had heard good things about

I know why we don't go out to eat with her. She threw a knife at the people in front of us (she missed thank goodness) & threw her car at the waitress. Good thing people were so nice about it

Then we went home for the day. It was a fabulous day. I'm looking forward to many more Gotcha Days with Hannah. 

Here she is with her new toys she got that day. Two of her lives: Spongebob & a ball. :) 

One year ago today.....

My dear Hannah,


It was a year ago today that the courts legally declared you our daughter, our Hannah Dawn. It was such a joyous day. Although we knew from the minute we received the email saying we were matched that you were our daughter, we knew the state had to make it legal. We endured months of visits from the social worker and reports and we were so happy when it was legal and we didn’t have to worry about something happening and you being taken away from us.

You know that song I sing to you every night, "You Are My Sunshine"? There is a line in there that says "Please don't take my sunshine away.".  I remember a year ago today when I was singing that song to you, it took on a whole new meaning. I knew then that no one could take you away from me. You were safe in our family. For the last 6 months, I had been so worried that someone would take you away and on July 3, 2012, I knew no one could.  I cried happy tears as I rocked you to sleep singing that song that night.

This is what we call your “Gotcha Day”. It’s an important day in an adoption journey and it’s a day that we will celebrate every year with you doing something special that you love to do. We will spend it as a family because that’s the day we legally became a family. A very special day.

Today I want to tell you something that is on my heart as we celebrate your adoption.

There will probably come a day that you will feel sad because you are adopted. You may grieve a loss that you will feel no one understands. You may feel grief over having been “given up”. You may grieve over the loss of not knowing your birth family. You may cry and feel the loss and tell me you feel sad.

I want you to know if that day comes, I will wipe your tears, hug you, hold you and with tears in my eyes, I will say “I’m sad, too”. We will hug and cry together and you can share whatever you want with me and I will listen with all my heart.

I’m so sad your birth mom had to give you up. I’m sad you have suffered a loss so great that no one can understand unless they’ve been through it. My heart aches for you.

I also want you to know that you weren’t given up because you weren’t loved. You were loved enough to be given up. Your birth mom knew she couldn’t give you everything you needed and deserved and she loved you enough to give you to us because she knew we could. You were also loved enough by your mom and dad to be chosen. We chose you, honey.

You were twice loved and twice loved more than you could ever imagine. How many people can say they were twice loved that much?

The minute you were born, you were transferred to my arms. While it was a very joyous time for me, I couldn’t help but watch your birth mom. Our eyes met while I was holding you and she said “Merry Christmas Tammy and Mark” and she started crying. At that moment my sorrow for her took over and my tears flowed for her. I knew this was a hard decision for her and I knew she truly loved you so very much. She loved you enough to let you go. It’s an amazing love that I was honored to experience.

There may come a day you may want to meet your birth family and I want you to know that’s okay. You may also never want to meet your birth family and I want you to know that’s okay. Honey, it’s your decision and whatever decision you make is always the right decision. The decision is yours and I want you to know whatever decision you make I will stand right by your side and support you in whatever you want to do.

I will always be there for you.

We couldn’t ask for a more perfect daughter than you. God truly chose you for our family. You were made especially for us. Your personality, smile and joyous spark in life are the glue that holds this family together.

On this special day we celebrate you sweetheart. We celebrate the day we legally became a family. We gotcha Hannah and we couldn’t be happier.

Love

Mommy