Hannah's 2-year pics

Some of my favorites from Hannah's session. :)

Was she worth it?

I get that question a lot, usually with a little smirk as of course Hannah was worth everything we went through.

The truth is I have a hard time answering that question. Depending on the person, I might say "It depends on how you look at it". Sometimes no explanation is needed but other times I get that confused look and I explain.

We struggled with infertilty for over 8 years. In that time with all the infertility treatments and adoption fees, we spent about $125,000 total and we'll be paying the loan we took out for the adoption probably until Hannah turns 18. BUT, that figure is so small compared to the amount we would've paid to bring her home. If we had to pay a million, I'd do it.

Financially she was worth it, every single penny.

In those 8 years, we underwent 12 IUIs, 1 IVF cycle and 2 FETs with donated embryos before turning to adoption. That was a lot of emotional ups and downs, lots of shots and bruises and lots of time and energy. If someone would've told me 8 years ago I'd have to wait over 8 years and undergo all those treatments and pain, etc. to have our baby, I'd do it in a heartbeat.

She was definitely worth the time we waited, treatments, pain and energy we went through.


But with all the procedures and treatments, came babies. Babies we had to say good-bye to. We have at least 10 babies in heaven. All those losses make it hard to say those last 8 years were worth it.

To clear it up, I love Hannah. Wow, do I love her. And I can't think of a more perfect baby girl for us. She was definitely made for us. I could go on and on about how much that little girl means to me.

I just miss my other babies. I know in some people's minds they weren't babies or "in the past". I'm sure in a lot of people's minds, when a couple struggles with infertility and finally get their baby, they think we're just like "Whew! We got it! We wipe that clean and we're all happy now!".

The truth is, at least in my experience, the past of infertility hasn't and won't go away. The fact that we lost 10 babies is something that I think about all the time.

And I struggle with saying that Hannah was worth the loss of our other babies.

But I'd pay any amount of money for Hannah. I'd wait twice as long as we did for Hannah. I'd go through a million more shots and bruises for Hannah. I'd make a million more hour drives at 6 a.m. for Hannah. I'd undergo a million more procedures for Hannah.

I wouldn't give Hannah up for the world and I would give my life for her....and my other 10 babies.

I love being a mom.

Mommy, Daddy & daughter love

Priceless

What you can do

This post certainly isn't to make anyone feel bad, beg for anything or anything like that. This is simply to help people understand and maybe help them realize there is something they can do when they feel helpless.

When Mark is sick or is in the hospital, a lot of times I hear "I wish there was something I could do" or they say "Call me if there is something I can do". While I realize these statements come from the heart and people mean well, sometimes it's not easy to hear. Sometimes I wish people wouldn't feel the need to put it on "my shoulders" and just do something.

It may sound selfish but I certainly don't mean to make it sound that way.

The truth is, when people are dealing with a stressful situation, it's sometimes hard to ask for help, even to people close to you. At least that's the way it is for me. I have a hard time asking for help--a real hard time. And people I've talked to in similar situations often feel the same way.

And it means the world to me if people just surprise me with doing something. I've been married to Mark for over 12 years and he's been in the hospital many times. I don't remember the people who have asked if they can help, but I do remember the things people have done just out of the blue without asking no matter how big or how little.

Here are some things that people can do for someone whose loved one is in the hospital:

1. Bring their favorite candy/food. My mother-in-law knew my favorite candy was Reisens. For the longest time whenever Mark was in the hospital, she'd bring me a package of Reisens whenever she visited. It was something little but it really helped me get through some tough times.

2. Bring a roll of quarters. One of the best things I got was a roll of quarters from my sister. This was so that if Mark was having a rough time and I didn't want to leave him long to go to the cafeteria a few floors up, I could simply go to the vending machine and grab a quick snack or to a pop machine. It was brilliant. It wasn't something I had thought about but when she gave it to me, it was the best thing I could've asked for.

3. Bring some magazines/newspapers/books. Hospitals get boring and the magazines in the waiting rooms are usually from 1990 and are Fiel.d and Str.eam or something like that and not exactly something I really wanted to read. There have been times when my brother-in-law brought in a People magazine or my aunt brought in an U.S Wee.kly. Again, simple gestures that mean the world.

Some people just aren't hospital people and that's okay. :) My dad hates going into the hospital. There are some things you can do and not step into a hospital:

1. Call/email/text. Many people have told me at one point or another that they don't want to call/text just in case Mark or I are sleeping. I can tell you if I'm sleeping or don't want to be bothered, I won't pick it up or answer. But every time the phone goes off it's a reminder we're being thought of. Please call or text. If I'm not in the mood to answer, I won't. But at least I know you're thinking of us and care. When the phone is silent, it's as if we're all alone and that's the last thing we need. It's better to have a dozen or more messages than none at all. Call or text anytime. I don't care if it's 3 in the morning.

2. Stop by the house and clean or bake/cook. I know cleaning isn't for everyone. But I can tell you that many times when Mark has been sick, we've left in a hurry and the house is the last thing on our minds. The house seems to always be a disaster. My sister-in-law has often come over and straightened up a bit for us in those times. There's nothing better than coming home from the hospital to a clean house. Also, having meals or goodies in the freezer or counter. Again, my sister-in-law is quite the cook and there have been many times we've come home to meals and cookies, etc. waiting for us. When you're in the hospital and coming home, you want to be able to focus on getting better and concentrate on your spouse and having a meal or food there for you is a huge help.

3. Gift cards/certificates. I know many people don't have the time or effort of baking, cleaning and cooking and nothing wrong with that. :) We're all busy. Even just a gas card to a gas station or gift card to a restaurant is very helpful. A night out when Mark is feeling better and I don't have to cook is a huge help. And gas is expensive and making multiple trips to a clinic/hospital can add up. So even just a little help with gas goes a long ways.

4. Help out with the children or pets. Offering to take a child for a few hours or walking the pets or feeding them is a wonderful help.

Often we get visitors which is wonderful. However, I can tell people often don't know how long to stay or what to say. I'll give you some advice on that too. :)

1. Don't stay long unless the person ill or their significant other needs someone to talk to. Many times people who are in the hospital are there for a reason--they are sick. They need to rest to get better. While visitors are wonderful and show you care, a visit of 5-10 minutes is really the best. Otherwise, the ill person or their significant other feels more like they have to "entertain" you. It may sound crazy but it's the way we feel. While I love having people stop, I know it's hard on Mark and some of the best visits are people that come, say hi, ask a few questions and leave right away. Unless I need someone to cry to or talk to, then staying as long as you are needed is important. Plan on either case.

2. Ask questions. Ask about diagnoses and what the doctors are saying, etc. Knowing that people understand and care is a wonderful feeling and less lonely.

3. Don't talk about your vacations, holidays, etc. Mark and I have been in the hospital on holidays several times. It's very hard when people talk about their plans seemingly without realizing that we are spending a holiday in the hospital. When someone is in the hospital on a holiday, please reach out to them by calling or texting but please don't talk about the fun you're having or the plans you have. The best conversations I've had are "I know this holiday just plain sucks for you guys". While I want you to have a wonderful Christmas, I also want you to acknowledge that it's really hard for me. Likewise, while I want you to have a good vacation, hearing that you're sitting on a warm beach while I'm sitting in a hospital isn't the best thing for me to hear. Unless I specifically ask, please don't talk about those things.

Again, I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad or beg for things. I'm really not. I know from my perspective, in some situations I don't know what to do or say and would love to have someone tell me what would be the best. That is the only reason for this post.

Many times I hear "I just wish I knew how to help or what to do to make you feel better". So I thought I'd give a little bit on the perspective of someone in my shoes and give you ideas on what you can do to help. :)

This applies to anyone with a sick spouse, parent, child, etc. and at any time. Even if they are at home and not in the hospital, there are many times you can feel overwhelmed, sad, want company or help, etc. and any of the above ideas can help at any time.

I want to take this opportunity to thank my friends and family for all your support, love, encouragement, etc. Thanks for always being there for us during the good and bad times and sharing it with us. Your support and love doesn't go unnoticed and we love you all.

Christmas Day 2013

Here are a few pictures from Christmas Day 2013. Last year, Hannah was sick on Christmas Day and I'm so glad she wasn't this year. She was really able to enjoy it.


Here she is with my dad, her Papa.


Here she is giving Jamie a big hug after getting a present from him


Opening up presents


Hannah and her cousins