"Why don't you just adopt?"

Going through infertility, I hated that question. Now when I hear people ask that question to other people, I still hate it.

I know people mean well and they care. It's their way of finding out more or giving advice. But it's one question that can really hurt.

I heard it so many times when we were struggling and every time I heard it, I felt like no one understood me.

For me, the journey went in stages. At first when we started having trouble and talking to others, I was so adamant that it just had to be MY eggs and MARK'S sperm. Anything else just didn't feel like our child.

Those who know our journey are probably laughing their heads off at that comment.

But I understand why people will go through rounds and rounds of IVF before they adopt and why they can't "just adopt".

Adoption is not a substitute for having biological children.

Different couples have different priorities.

For me, my heart changed through the journey. At first it all about having "Mark's" baby. I felt I needed to have a biological child.

My heart's priority turned to being able to carry my baby and be pregnant. That was a HUGE priority to me that my heart has never, and probably will never, be able to let go. I won't go into that here in this post as I already have before.

It took a long time to turn to adoption as I had to grieve the fact that I would not be pregnant and grieve the fact that I couldn't carry.

I also had to get to the point that an adopted baby was still mine.

Now, when I look at Hannah, there is no doubt in my mind I see my child. I see so much of Mark and I in her. She is so my child. She couldn't be more of a mini-me.

But it took a long time for me to get to that point and for some it just doesn't happen. And that's okay--there's nothing wrong with that.

I've often been told that if we would've just adopted from the very beginning, we would've saved so much money and so much heartache.

That couldn't be farther from the truth--well, except for the money part.

You see, my heart just wasn't ready and neither was Hannah. It took years for God to create the perfect baby for us. There was a reason we couldn't "just adopt".

Every single cycle, every single IUI, the IVF and both FETs either taught me something in life or brought someone into my life that was irreplacable. Every step in our journey had a purpose and a reason.

You can't put a price on that.

I remember when we adopted embryos and someone told me "Why don't you just adopt a baby? It's the same thing?"

To me, it wasn't. Adopting embryos meant I also got to carry my baby and be pregnant. Something that may not be important to others but was extremely important to me.

Everybody's journey is different. Everybody's emotions and hearts are different. Some people can turn to adoption after a year of trying. For some, that might be all they can handle. For others, they'll go through 14 rounds of IVF with their own eggs and sperm because they can't handle a journey any other way.

And any way is totally acceptable and fine.

After we got the devastating news about my genetic disorder, our wonderful RE told us "Here are your options: We can do donor eggs, donor embryos or adoption. Those are the options I can see for you right now. I want you to know that this is your decision, nobody else's and whatever decision you make for yourself is the right one."

I loved it. He knew that every journey is different, everyone's emotions are different.

While I know people mean well, giving advice is the last thing people struggling with infertility need and the last thing people want to hear is advice. The best thing you can do is give a hug or a shoulder and just say "I'm sorry".

Let them come to you with their next step, not you go to them.

I can assure you, they've thought about adoption. They've heard about acupuncture. They've heard about those cleansing diets. They've done the research.

They know their hearts and where their hearts want them to go.

It's just not as easy as "just adopting".

Update on Mark

I've had quite a few people ask how Mark was doing and I wanted to send out an update. Thank you so much for asking about him!

As many know, in February he came down with influenza and pneumonia. He was hospitalized for over a week and it was questionable for awhile whether or not he would pull through.

During that hospitalization, he had a possible seizure and became unresponsive. However, all testing came back fine when they did monitoring for more seizures.

However, since then, he has had 2 more episodes where he has gone completely numb and lost all control of his muscles. During these episodes, he hasn't been able to walk and hardly move at all. He's been complete dead weight. He's able to talk to people but seems a bit confused.

These have all happened when his immune system is low, when he has a cold or something. It's so scary that even a simple cold can be life-threatening for a transplant patient. When Mark first got his transplant, we were told this and it was hard to believe but I can see it now. Every time Mark gets sick it seems to hit him harder than anyone else and seems to take him twice as long as other people to recover from it.

I may freak out a bit when Hannah, Mark or I get sick but I know how scary it can be for Mark and how life-threatening it can be. I don't think people realize that. It's the main reason why I'm so protective of Hannah and Mark around people sick.

Anyway, it's been highly recommended that Mark be evaluated where he got his transplant by the nephrology, neurology and infectious disease teams there to see if we can figure out what is causing these episodes.

We had a long talk with Mark's primary care physician who we are very close to and is always completely honest with us. It's his opinion that most likely we will never get answers as to what is going on, especially since they did such a thorough evaluation in February and nothing was found. He told us we're doing everything right when it happens and we just have to keep telling ourselves that if something terrible happens and there was nothing we could do.

But it's still scary. These episodes happen so fast. One minute he'll be just fine and the next minute he can't move, has a hard time talking, etc. It happens so fast.

We'll be going to the Transplant Center on the 27th and seeing these teams of doctors and hopefully get some answers. We would appreciate prayers.

On top of this, poor Mark is still dealing with his daily issues including severe nerve pain, chest pain, difficulty with his eyes, balance issues, stomach issues, low blood sugar reactions, taking over 50 pills a day....to name a few.

Thank you for all your prayers and concerns for Mark. It's appreciated more than you know!!

My thoughts on Mother's Day

I've never liked Valentine's Day.

Okay, so I know I probably just had everyone look up at the title of this post to make sure this was about Mother's Day. I promise there is a point.

I've been single most of my life so Valentine's Day was always a day to simply remind myself of that fact. And I hated it.

In high school, you could buy a single rose and have it delivered to a special someone on Valentine's Day in front of your whole class. I'd always pray I'd get a rose that day, but of course not from a nerdy, goofy guy.

I really wanted a rose that day. Throughout my years in high school I never got a rose.

I can say I hated Valentine's Day.

Not only did it clarify that I was single but I also had a horrible experience at my work place about 15 years ago where I watched a customer die in front of my eyes of a massive heart attack while I was working all alone.

And then this year my husband coded blue (not responsive) at the hospital on Valentine's Day.

I could certainly do without that holiday.

Mother's Day is kinda like Valentine's Day to me, although I admit now that I have Hannah it definitely is better.

But, for years and years, it was the day I dreaded the most of any day. For years, I still went to church on that day but fought back tears as they asked the moms to stand up and accept a flower. People would still have me stand up as I was a stepmother and "deserved" a flower.

But it certainly wasn't the same.

After awhile I quit going to church on Mother's Day. It was just way too hard. I'd lay in bed and try to sleep the day away as much as I could. I was there for my mom and sister and put on a happy face and wished them a happy Mother's day. But it was so hard. I couldn't wait for that day to get over. It was the worst day of the whole year.

I hated it.

When Hannah came into our lives, I was so excited for Mother's Day. Finally I would get to celebrate it just like everyone else and it was going to be the best day ever!

I was surprised when all those sad emotions came back on that day. Granted, yes, I loved having Hannah to celebrate it with and I felt so blessed and it felt good to be honored as a mother for sure.

But I felt so sad at the same time. So very, very sad.

I thought of all the women struggling to be a mom. I thought of all the years that the 24 hours of Mother's Day were the worst 24 hours of the whole year for me. I thought of all the tears I cried on that particular day. I thought of the times I just laid in bed, wishing that day away.

I knew there were so many women doing that exact same thing as I did.

And my heart was breaking for them.

I've had 3 Mother's Days with Hannah. I've smiled and hugged Hannah and cherished the moment this year when I woke up to "Happy Mubbers Day, Mommy!" and those little arms wrapped around my neck. I'm excited for the handmade cards and gifts she'll be making me and I know that day will be easier now that I have my Hannah.

But I will always cry sad tears, too. It will never be a completely happy day to celebrate for me because I know there are many women out there wishing those hours away.

I know that feeling and it hurts more than anything. It breaks my heart to think of anyone going through that.

Mother's Day will always be a day to celebrate my Hannah and I will enjoy it with her.

But it will always be a day of remembering the struggle, remembering the women with empty arms who want their babies so very bad.

I'll never forget.