Tears

Nothing breaks my heart more than seeing tears on Hannah's face. Hearing her cry is such a hard sound to hear. 

And yet, if I'm being completely honest, there's a part of me that is so comforted & honored knowing that in her world the only one who can take the tears away or make them feel better is me. 

Me--her mommy. 

Mommy has those special powers to make everything feel better. 

I hate seeing people cry. I just want to fix it. I don't like seeing people hurt. 

And I know when I see my friends and family crying I can't fix it. I can be there for them but I can't fix it. 

But with Hannah, I can. Mommy can fix anything. 

While I hate seeing Hannah cry & see her hurt, knowing I'm the only one who can wipe those teary eyes & cheeks dry & make her world bright again, makes me feel like a million bucks. 

There is no greater gift than wiping your child's tears & kissing their tear-stained cheeks & knowing you just made their world all better again. 

Thank you God for giving me that precious gift. 

Hannah's birthmom

When we adopted Hannah, we had a semi-open adoption. This basically meant we would send pictures every other year or as requested through the agency with no other contact until Hannah turned 18 when it was her choice.

Her birthmother has no idea what our last name is and only knows we live in Wisconsin and that's all we wanted her to know.

At the last minute, we decided to exchange cell phone numbers at the hospital before we left. Both of us felt better doing that, just in case some kind of emergency came up with her or with Hannah.

I'm so glad we did because as it turned out, our agency's license was revoked and we were never informed. I only found out because Hannah's birthmom didn't receive a package I had sent to her.

Had we not exchanged numbers, we wouldn't have been able to connect. As it is, we don't connect often at all and we both feel it's for the best. She actually only texts on holidays and Hannah's birthday or when she'd like pictures. I only text on her birthday and on Birthmother's Day and Mother's Day.

Recently she asked for pictures and I sent them to her and requested she let me know when she got them. That was a month ago and I haven't heard anything. While I'm worried something has happened and my overactive worry brain is going into overdrive, I'm trying to just reassure myself that she's just busy or forgot to let me know.

But, I admit I've been thinking about her a lot and worrying. Last night I had a dream Hannah and I went to visit her.

I woke up with a huge sense of sadness.

I miss her. I miss her so much.

I feel so much confusion. While I know I'm Hannah's mom and I honestly don't want to have a "close" relationship with Hannah's birthmom--semi-open works for me and the occasional contact is perfect, at times I can't help but want to be with her all the time.

We both have so much in common but the biggest thing is we both love a little girl so much and both are her mom---just in different ways.

I feel this amazing closeness with her that no one else could ever have. I feel a bond that no one else could ever feel. No one else could love Hannah like I do---except her.

And I never get to see or talk to her.

The last time I saw her was when we were leaving the hospital and with tears streaming down her face, she hugged me and said "Please take good care of her". With my own tears, I softly said "Of course".

That was over 3 years ago and I feel like it was yesterday and yet some days I feel like it was forever ago.

I'd give anything to give Hannah's birthmom the biggest hug, show her in person how well Hannah is doing, thank her profusely for choosing us, show her how much she's changed my life for the better, how much happier I am as a mom and how I am keeping my promise to her.

While I know the semi-open is the best for us, it doesn't change the fact that sometimes I just plain miss her. I want to sit down and have a cup of coffee with her. I want to see her and hug her and be there for her.

And yet, I know that's not in my best interest.

Some days I just feel so lonely for her. I worry about her. I think about her. I wonder if she's okay.

I just miss her.

Following your heart

This post may be a bit boring to people. I like to document the changes and events in Hannah's life. It may not seem like a big deal to others but I want Hannah to know why we make the decisions we do and how if you follow your heart, you can't go wrong.

I grew up in a Baptist church and was there from when I was born until recently. I love that church. My family is there and I know everyone. Plus, they've done so much for us including having a benefit for Mark when he had his transplant and also a benefit to help bring Hannah home.

But we recently decided to change churches.

I know Hannah will question it when she's older and is looking at the scrapbook I made of her benefit at church. I know she'll be confused as to why we would leave a church that did so much to bring Hannah home.

Actually there were several reasons but it had nothing to do with us being unhappy at this church.

One reason was the drive. We live half an hour away from the church. Not bad of a drive but when you have a significantly ill spouse and you're half an hour away, it's tough. I can tell you I've had a lot of anxiety driving home when he hasn't picked up the phone or something. It really bothered me being so far away, especially when there are quite a few churches closer, some just down the hill from us.

Another reason was Hannah. At our church, there were very few kids. In Hannah's Awana club, there were only 3 kids. I wanted Hannah to be surrounded by more kids. Being an only child, I wanted her to have as much interaction with other kids as possible.

Another reason was also due to the distance but in a different way. Growing up, our family was the only family in our church that went to the SCF school district. All the other kids went to Luck, Frederic and Grantsburg. It may not seem like a big deal to others, but to me, I never really felt like I belonged anywhere. Not that my friends weren't wonderful--because they were---but at church, my friends would talk about school events and friends and I didn't have a clue what they were talking about. At school, my friends would talk about church functions and again, I felt out of place. I didn't want Hannah to feel that way. I knew if we stayed at this church, there was a strong possibility she would. Knowing I wasn't real happy with that situation, I wanted more for her.

And the last reason, and probably the most important, I felt like I wasn't growing with God. Hannah loves being around kids and when there aren't many kids, she likes to be around me. So I was with her in her Sunday School class, nursery, Children's Church, etc. I honestly can't remember the last time I heard the pastor preach. I know--part of mommyhood---but I also felt discouraged about my own walk with God.

For about a year, I felt a tug at the heart that we need to look into a different church. I ignored it for a long time, basically because I felt we "owed" it to stay there. If Hannah left, there would be one less kid of so few. Plus, they have done so much and been there for us so much.

But I realized it wasn't about what we "owed" or felt guilty about. It was what was best for our family and my own personal walk with Christ.

So, one day I took the leap. I hate change so I finally just told myself I was going to do it and nothing could stop me.

My best friend, who has kids who are about the same age as Hannah, went to a church just down the hill from us. I talked to her about it and I immediately wanted to try it. There were tons of kids there. They had the same Awana program as our church so Hannah would be in the same program. Plus, they had a women's Bible study the same night as Awana (our church had the study on a different night and I had to leave early to get home to Mark and hire a babysitter and I only went if Mark was feeling good as I was far away).

So we tried it one night and I can tell you we were so happy. Hannah loved her Awana program. She knew several kids from story time and stuff. Her neighbor friend also went there and now we bring her there which is so fun for Hannah.

She's still a little clingy at times and sometimes has a hard time letting me go, but being around so many kids, it's getting easier and easier and it warms my heart. She's so comfortable there.

And my Bible study is amazing. I can't say enough good things about it. I feel like I'm FINALLY growing and I haven't felt that way for a very long time.

Most of all, we're 5 minutes away from Mark which makes me feel tons happier and relieved. In fact, one Sunday he was feeling well enough to go to church so Hannah and I went to Sunday School. There is a 15-minute break between Sunday School and church and so I went home and picked him up to come to church and he loved it.

The people there are amazing. I'm so happy there and I love going to church and Bible study there. The ladies are so amazing. When I told them about Mark and his health issues, the first thing the leader asked was "Tammy, what can we do for YOU?". That touched my heart so much. So often people ask about Mark and tell me they're praying for him but it's not too often people come right out and ask how to help me. It may seem selfish but while it's wonderful to ask how Mark is doing, sometimes it's wonderful to hear someone ask what I need.

If you made it this far, kudos to you! I'm sure this wasn't the most exciting, inspiring post to read. And I'm sure you're wondering if I have a point other than just to document this all for Hannah.

I do. I really do.

As I mentioned, I felt a tug about a year ago that we needed to look for a different church. My guilt and the fact that I felt we owed it to stay overrode that tug and I wished it hadn't. While we love the church, I admit things were changing for me.

Once I had Hannah, I realized I needed to make a change for us. Things change and the most important thing is that you're growing and you're doing what you can to grow in Christ and help your family do the same.

In so many ways, I'm happy. I love where we are right now. I love watching Hannah's excitement coming home from church and telling me everything she learned and singing the Awana song at the top of her lungs with her neighbor friend.

I just wish I wouldn't have let my pride get in the way as I feel I could've been this happy a year ago. And who doesn't like to be happy?

Trust your heart. Trust your instincts. Listen to God.

Follow your heart. It's a way God can speak to you.

Even if you hate change. Change can be the most amazing thing.

Hannah's night terrors

Hannah's never been a good sleeper. In fact, her birthmother told me when she was born "I'm telling you, Tammy, this baby won't sleep. She's up every 2 hours kicking me and dancing. She won't be a sleeper at all"

She was definitely right. Although I have to say the sleeping is much better than it used to be. She's maybe up 1-2 times a night and it's just to make sure I'm there and she's back to sleep.

What we've been dealing with for awhile now has been her night terrors.

They were never too bad, maybe 1-2 a week. I had read up on them and talked to her pediatrician and we knew there wasn't much we could do. Her pediatrician thought they could be due to being overtired sometimes but most likely could be emotional due to the stress of Mark's health and seeing her daddy so sick and the scary episodes she has experienced.

About a month ago I noticed they were starting to get a little worse. Almost every night she'd have a night terror and it would last 15-20 minutes. She'd throw things, hit me, scream at the top of her lungs for me and yet didn't want me near her.

It was heartbreaking.

Ironically when they started getting worse, it was around the time we had started going to a new church. I'll discuss that more in a different post.

Both Hannah and I are so happy at this new church. Hannah loves her Sunday School and Cubbies program and I love the women's study I'm involved in. We are so happy and much closer to Mark so it's been a perfect fit.

I strongly believe that's why Hannah's night terrors started getting worse. I believe the devil will attack the "weakest" and most innocent when he is attacking. Obviously he wasn't happy that we were happy and the easiest prey was Hannah. :(

One day after having a really bad night where she actually had 3 night terrors during the night, I was desperate. I posted on Facebook asking for any advice. I got a lot and so appreciative.

What touched me the most was I got 2 messages from friends telling me they would pray for Hannah and encouraged me to also pray. And not just pray but pray with power.

So I did.

The next night, she had no night terror at all.

The night after that, she woke up after sleeping an hour and a half, right at the time of her usual night terror. I expected the usual. Instead, she looked at me, smiled, gave me a hug and kiss and snuggled to go back to sleep.

I felt Jesus right there. Wow. And yes, I had tears in my eyes.

Jesus will show you He's there. Prayer is so powerful.

I admit, Hannah's still struggling a bit but in the last 2 weeks she's only had a couple night terrors, a far cry from every night.

The first night terror she had, I prayed and she slowly got better. When I started singing "Jesus Loves Me", she immediately went back to sleep.

I'm so grateful her night terrors are better and what an honor it is to be able to share with Hannah yet another way God has worked in her life.

She is one lucky, amazing girl.

Hannah's brown eyes

Hannah has a T-shirt that says "Everyone loves a brown-eyed girl". It's perfect for her as she has the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen.

It also used to really tug at the heart strings every time she wore it.

Mark has blue eyes. I have hazel eyes. It's a reminder that Hannah didn't get her eyes from either of us.

While that certainly doesn't take away from the fact that Hannah is our daughter and she 100% belongs to us, I admit it will probably always sting a bit.

I know, I know....DNA doesn't make you a mother and 95% of the time I'm completely at peace with that.

It's that other 5% that gets to me at times.

When she looks into the mirror and sees those beautiful brown eyes, she'll know she didn't get them from her daddy or her mommy, but rather her birth mom.

While I admit I'll never be 100% at peace with that, it's become much more easy to accept it.

Because without her beautiful brown eyes, our Hannah wouldn't be our Hannah. She wouldn't be the daughter we have and love so much today.

She just wouldn't be herself.

I look into her eyes and I don't see Mark or I. I see Hannah's beautiful birth mom--the one who loves Hannah with all her heart. So much that she wanted to give Hannah a much better life that she could give for her.

When I look into Hannah's beautiful brown eyes, I see love.

So much love in those eyes.

Hannah's birth mom's unconditional love and Hannah's unconditional love.

While I'd love to say Hannah has Mark's eyes or she has my eyes, I'm so proud to say Hannah has Hannah's eyes because those beautiful brown eyes make her our daughter.

And I wouldn't change our daughter for anything in the world.

I love my sweet Hannah and our beautiful, brown-eyed girl.