When Mark and I first got married in 2001, we weren’t planning on having kids. To be honest, when we first got married, I thought with Mark’s health, I didn’t think he would survive long and we would be lucky to be married 5 years before he passed away. Being with Mark and taking care of him was my first priority, not having kids. I wanted to cherish the time I had with Mark while I could. I had always wanted to be a mom, but since marrying Mark, I didn’t think it would be possible and although I was disappointed and sad, I figured being Mark’s wife and taking care of him was what God chose for me.
But God chose differently for us.
As time went on, the longing to have a baby increased for both of us and we decided we wanted to try to have a baby.
Never in a million years did we think we would have trouble conceiving….never. My mom had no problems at all and actually had twins. My sister would just look at her husband and get pregnant.
But God had a different plan.
At first when we started our journey to have a baby, we were nervous but oh so excited and hopeful! We figured it wouldn’t take long at all before we were announcing to our family and friends that we were having a baby.
Month after month went by. We were living life in 2-week intervals. Anxiously awaiting the perfect time and then 2 weeks later anxiously awaiting to see if we were pregnant.
After months of not becoming pregnant, excitement of trying to have a baby, turned into frustration, sadness, helplessness. Although we always felt some hope at times, it was getting harder and harder to remain positive. When we first started our journey to have a baby, we had decided that if having a baby didn’t happen the “natural” way, we weren’t going to talk to doctors. We thought if God wanted us to have a baby, we would have one the way we were intended and we didn’t want to seek a doctor’s help.
God changed our hearts.
After much prayer, we decided to seek a doctor’s advice after a few years of not being able to become pregnant. It certainly wasn’t easy, especially for Mark. He had a hard time talking about my monthly cycles. He could easily talk about motorcycles but any other kind of cycles was difficult for him.
With a doctor’s help, we went through a procedure called artificial insemination where the sperm was placed into my uterus to help fertilization. My doctors really got to know me. I felt like I had no privacy at all. We were in constant contact talking about my body and when we thought I was ovulating as we had to try to pinpoint the best time for the procedure to take place for our best chances. We were living our lives in 2-week intervals again, only this time doctors were living it with us. There was a constant circle of emotions from hope to devastation.
After the artificial inseminations weren’t successful, we were encouraged to look into in vitro fertilization. This was quite an expensive, emotional process. It would involve giving myself shots of hormones every day, going into the doctor’s office almost every other day, lots of blood work, and a procedure that would require me being put under anesthesia. Our health insurance wouldn’t cover any of it and it would cost about $10,000. It was a big step to make and a big decision. In the end we decided to take a leap of faith and try it.
It wasn’t easy to go through it. It was hard to give myself shots. I was bloated and tired all the time and making so many trips to the doctor’s office was hard. But I knew this was our best chance to have a baby.
Unfortunately, it didn’t turn out the way we had hoped. During an in vitro cycle, embryos are created in which the sperm is inserted into the egg to fertilize it. Our embryos we had created during our in vitro cycle had fertilized but had stopped growing which was very unusual. After running some blood tests, it was found that I have a rare genetic disorder. My eggs could fertilize, but once fertilized, would just stop. Our doctor had been working in the infertility field for over 30 years and he had only heard of this happening to 2 other women. I would never be able to have a baby with my eggs.
It was beyond devastating news to me. I felt like such a failure. Failure as a woman, failure to my husband, failure to my friends and family. I couldn’t understand how this was happening. I honestly didn’t think Mark would want to be married to me anymore. I felt like damaged goods.
Of course Mark wanted to still be married to me and neither one of us felt like giving up. Our hearts desire was to have a baby and as long as the desire was still there we felt God was leading our hearts to keep trying, just to go in a different direction.
After the devastating news about my genetic disorder, we had a long talk with our doctor. We actually could try what they called an embryo transfer using donated or adopted embryos. These would be embryos that were created during another couple’s in vitro cycle. If the couple has a successful pregnancy with their cycle and no longer want to pursue having another pregnancy, they may end up with extra embryos. The couple can make decisions on what they would like to do with their extra embryos and sometimes they choose to donate to another couple in situations like ours which is similar to an adoption of a baby or a child.
I still had a very strong desire to be pregnant. My desire to be pregnant was just as strong as being a mother and having a baby in my arms. To some, that may not make sense but to me, feeling my baby inside of me was something I desperately wanted. I wanted to feel the morning sickness. I wanted to feel the baby’s kicks and hiccups. I wanted that feeling of being so uncomfortable. I wanted to go through labor. I so desperately wanted to go through a pregnancy. I wanted to see that positive pregnancy test and be able to tell people “I’m pregnant!”
My heart really wasn’t ready to give up the dream of being pregnant.
Not long after, a friend contacted me who was pregnant with twins after going through an in vitro cycle. They had some extra embryos from their cycle that they were wondering if we would like to adopt.
I was beyond thrilled! Of course we wanted to adopt them!
So we adopted the embryos and had them transferred into my uterus. Two weeks after a transfer, you’re scheduled for a beta test which is a blood test to determine if you are pregnant and if the transfer was a success.
My beta test was scheduled to be drawn on my birthday, April 18. I thought God was going to be giving me my best birthday present ever. There was just no other explanation and I was so excited! After all we had been through, I couldn’t imagine a better ending then being told I was pregnant on my birthday!
It turned out to be the worst birthday as the beta test on that day showed I wasn’t pregnant. The transfer was not successful.
It was the hardest thing we had ever gone through. We were devastated beyond words. I’d like to say I trusted God and knew He had a plan but I didn’t. I admit I was so disappointed in God. I was angry and I just couldn’t understand why we had to go through so much struggle and pain. First with the transplant and now with the infertility.
After the cycle didn’t work we talked to our doctor about our next step. He told us we could get on a list for donated embryos at our clinic. However, the wait was at least 2 years long. It didn't cost anything to do that so we got on the list, although in my mind, I knew we didn't want to wait that long.
In the summer of 2010, we started the long, drawn out adoption process, but I admit my heart wasn’t completely in it. As much as I desperately wanted to be a mom, I still had such a desire to be pregnant, too. I wanted so desperately to be pregnant.
You can imagine the surprise when in December 2010, we got an email saying there were embryos available for us. A 2-year wait had turned into a 6-month wait. A God thing.
I still had it in my heart to carry. So this news was so wonderful to hear. We put the adoption on hold and prepared to undergo another transfer. We underwent the transfer which ironically was so close to the previous dates of the transfer the year before. When I asked when the beta test would be, the nurse nonchalantly said "I think we'll schedule it for April 18"
My birthday. The beta was scheduled once again on my birthday.
I got real quiet. The nurse asked me if that would work out. I remember whispering, "Yes, that will be fine".
Truth be told, I was devastated. I thought it was a cruel joke God was playing on me. How could He do this to me? Two years in a row? And on my birthday?
Then, my attitude turned. Hello! It just had to be positive. After all, God would never allow that to happen again.
Would He?
The two week wait never felt longer than that two week wait. I went through so many emotions from being excited to scared to nervous to hopeful to doubtful. It was a rollercoaster of emotions.
Then came my birthday and the time for the beta test. I got a positive beta best on my birthday. God answered my prayers! I saw a positive pregnancy test---those 2 lines on the pee stick that so many women got to see and I finally got to see them! I was able to hear the doctor say “Tammy! You’re pregnant! Congratulations!” It was a dream come true!
I'll never forget the moments of that birthday in 2011. Never. I was floating on air. It was the best birthday ever and I hold onto that memory so dear.
Two days later they tested my beta level again to make sure the levels were increasing and that the pregnancy was progressing as it should. I got the dreaded call that told me my beta level had dropped. I was miscarrying. I was no longer pregnant.
I literally fell to the floor in grief and tears. I spent days in bed. I didn’t understand. I’d like to say I was trusting in God and believed He had a plan, but I didn’t. I admit I was so incredibly angry with Him. How could He do this to us? We had already been through so much.
Why? Why me?
After a few days of laying in bed and crying, I finally prayed to God, “God I can’t do this. All I want to do is crawl into a hole and never come back up. I need You to help me get up. I need You to give me strength”.
It was then that I could finally slowly get up and move ahead. I’m not saying things magically got better. I had many tears for months and still had days where I just stayed in bed. But God gave me the strength to keep going when I asked Him to.
It was months before we felt we could move onto the next step in our journey to have a baby---adoption. Still, I admit it wasn’t easy. I knew in my heart we couldn’t keep moving on with trying to become pregnant. I had to grieve that loss of not carrying a baby. It truly was a loss I had to accept and grieve before we could take the next step. I took time to cry, to be angry, to “just be me”. While others tried to encourage me and help me “get through it”, I knew only I could truly help myself and I needed to move ahead in my own time, in my own pace and in my own way.
But I also felt God really did have a plan. My desire to be a mom was still there even if my dream of being pregnant didn’t seem possible.
So we went through the seemingly never ending home study for the adoption process. It seemed never ending. All the paperwork, background check after background check. Telling your deepest secrets and fears to a social worker. They really put you through a ringer when you want to go through the adoption process. I’m surprised they didn’t need to know my cousin’s ex-wife’s daughter’s dog’s blood type.
Not only was it a lot of work, it was also a lot of money. We had already spent about $30,000 on infertility treatment. I was working about 60 hours a week at my job to earn some extra money and had started coaching gymnastics to help raise more money for the adoption.
When we were going through the home study, we were required to determine our budget that we could spend on an adoption situation. Situations could cost as little as $15,000 or as much as $75,000 or even more depending on the situation. Our consultant wanted to make sure we could financially take care of a baby and not start out raising a baby in too much debt.
After going through all our financial records, our budget was determined to be $50,000. This was what was determined to be a safe cost of an adoption that we could afford while financially being able to take care of a baby as well.
It took us about 5 months to get all the paperwork and required tests done and then we were finally able to allow birthmothers to consider us as parents. We created a profile of ourselves, our family, and some information about us. If a baby became available we would be given a little information about the birthmother and the cost of the particular situation. If we were interested, we would tell the agency that they could give our profile to the birth mother as possible adoptive parents.
We submitted our profile to 7 different birth mothers, all without being chosen. It was very hard to remain focused and not become discouraged. We continued to pray but there were many days we felt no hope.
We felt like God would open up doors only to have them slammed in our faces. And it didn’t feel good at all.
Then a birth mother came up that we were given information about. The total cost would be about $60,000 which was $10,000 over our budget. We regretfully asked our profile not to be submitted. We confirmed twice that we did not wish for our profile to be submitted.
It wasn’t too long after that we were told the birthmother had chosen us.
I was so confused.
What had just happened? It was impossible that a birthmother could choose us when we hadn’t submitted our profile.
I called our agency. It turned out the agency had accidentally submitted our profile to this birthmother after we had asked them not to. At that point my heart sank. I thought for sure they were going to take our baby away because there was an error. The agency felt awful about the mistake and then asked we were still interested. I said of course we were if it was still okay. They said yes and that it was our decision.
Honestly, the minute she said we could still have the baby, there was NO WAY I was going to say no. That was our daughter.
But now we had a problem. We had about a month to come up with an additional $10,000 and it was Christmastime.
Yikes. How would we be able to do this?
I thought there was no way it would happen but I knew there was a reason our profile was submitted in error and this baby girl was our daughter. We could have said no to this situation but in our hearts we knew this was no mistake. God brought this little girl to us.
What seemed impossible turned out to be possible. Our church at the time threw a benefit for us and many friends and family from all over the world gave. The total we were blessed to receive was about $9800---almost exactly to the dollar of what we needed.
Our daughter was born on December 20, 2011. Interestingly, Hannah's due date was only a few days apart from when my due date was had I not miscarried about 9 months earlier. We believe when we got our positive pregnancy test, it was God's way of saying we would have a baby in 9 months and indeed we were "pregnant", just not in the way we thought.
God can be sneaky like that.
We had to travel to Utah for Hannah’s birth but we were able to be in the delivery room when she was born. I was there the whole time holding the birthmother’s hand. I remember at one point she was in so much pain. I told her I was sorry and that I would trade places with her if I could. She said she knew I would. She understood.
I was able to cut Hannah’s umbilical cord and I was the first one to hold her. While it all meant so much to me, it was bittersweet as I watched Hannah’s birthmother cry tears of grief and sadness.
48 hours later, Hannah’s birthmother signed over her rights and Hannah was legally our daughter.
I will look back and see that You are faithful.
I often think back to that time. What if our profile wouldn't have been submitted in error? What if we would've said no for the third time? What if our family and friends wouldn't have come together and gave so generously so we were able to raise $10,000?
The answer to those questions is always the same: It was never in our control.
God was the one who decided the profile would be submitted.
God told us to say yes, not no.
God raised the $10,000 and opened the hearts of so many people.
When trying to determine how the mistake happened in the agency, they insisted that I called, explained we changed our minds and wanted our profile submitted to the birthmother. I know I never made that call and to this day I feel it was an angel who made that call.
From the time we started trying back in 2002 until Hannah was born in 2011, I prayed to God that He make me a mother. I would take any child but I secretly prayed for a daughter who looked like Mark. I can’t tell you how many times I hear that Hannah looks like her daddy---a constant reminder that God answers prayers.
It was always in His control and not ours. Hannah was meant to be our daughter, always was and always will.
We had to cross so many hurdles to bring her home and yet here she is today with us.
I went through a lot of grief and loss during our journey to have a baby. I have 10 angel babies waiting for me in heaven and I can’t wait to see them, hold them and tell them how much I love being their mother. But, at the same time, it’s so hard to not be their mother here on Earth. I grief that. I think of my babies all the time. I wonder what they would look like, what their personalities would be like, would they be boys or girls. I miss them. I think about them all the time, just like any mother does for their children. Some days I miss them so much I can’t stop the tears.
But I also know the loss I’ve felt and the grief I’ve gone through has been no accident. God has paved my way and my heart to become softer and more understanding for my daughter. My heart was broken so I could help my daughter with her broken heart. I know when Hannah gets older, she’ll have many questions. I know one day she will be sad and feel a loss for her birth mother. I know one day she’ll come up to me with tears in my eyes and say “Mom, I’m so sad my birth mother made such a hard decision”. I’ll cry with her and tell her that I’m so sad too. We’ll talk about how much her birth mother wanted her, how she didn’t “give her up” and instead “gave her a better life”, how much she loved (and love) her enough to give her a more stable life, how she is so lucky to have two sets of parents who love her so much while most people have only one.
She is a very lucky, blessed, loved girl and I’m so proud to be her mom. I’m so grateful God chose me to raise her. Hannah was named after Hannah in the Bible who struggled with infertility. I often thought of Hannah throughout our infertility journey. Her faith and love for God inspired me and helped give me strength when I needed it so much.
Hannah’s middle name is Dawn. She was given that name for someone special in my life who was with us during our entire infertility journey---through all the ups and downs, hope, disappointments. When I felt like giving up, she kept me going and kept my faith strong.
Hannah Dawn was name after our heavenly inspiration and our Earthly inspiration. We couldn’t think of a better name for our daughter.
Hannah’s first picture. I was so blessed to be in the delivery room and be able to cut her umbilical cord.
Holding Hannah for the first time. Yes, I’m on the phone! I couldn’t wait to share the news!
Bringing our daughter home on Christmas Day 2011
Tomorrow--Mark's brain bleed
