Week 35 of 4K

This week was "F" week:

Here is her "F" book:

Hannah had her teacher write "James" on it as she was going to give this book to James for his birthday.....awwww. :)

I was really impressed that she colored all the pages and even drew a heart on the back. :)

They played a game at school as they were learning about farm animals during "F" week. Each child in the class said their favorite farm animal and then the kids had to color in the square by the animal. Hannah's favorite animal is a pig. :)

Here is her project this week at school:

She worked again on her numbers and did better this week. :)

This girl has grown so much this year. I'm just so proud of her

Week 34 of 4K

This week was "Z" week:

Hannah brought home her April journal:

This one says "I like butterflies"

This one says "I like to fly kites"

Hannah said this is a tiger that is saying "Roar". :) I love that kid's imagination!

Hannah also made an elephant from one of the stories they read that week:

This week was also Mother's Day week. I got my first handmade school project for Mother's Day.....yes, cue the tears!

I can honestly say she got "most" of them right. :)

I was meant to be Hannah's mom

My Sunday School class has been such a huge blessing to me. And especially so in the last couple weeks.

Last week it was obvious that God was speaking to me as we watched a DVD in which the speaker relayed a part of her life that sounded so eerily similar to what Hannah was going through and how her parents helped her survive it.

Ironically I had been praying to God to help me as a parent to guide Hannah through this struggle.

God answers prayers!

This week, on Mother's Day, we were all reminded something that I desperately needed to hear: We were meant to be mothers to our children.

I know, seems pretty obvious....but think about it. Our children were created with God KNOWING that we would be their mothers. No one else. God knew long before Hannah was born that I would be her mother.

He knew as I cried endless tears for 8 long years and as I screamed in anger.

He knew.

As mothers I know we all struggle with raising our kids. We always wonder if we're doing the right thing. Of course we also fail at times and succeed at times. No mother is perfect at all.

Lately, I've been struggling more with it. I wonder about the choices I make for Hannah, the things I do for her, if I'm handling what she is going through right now the right way.

And I admit, I question myself as a mother and have wondered if Hannah would be better off if the birth mother had chosen a different family.

I could almost hear God speaking to me on Sunday: Tammy, YOU were meant to be Hannah's mother.

Before I was even born, God knew Hannah would be my daughter. He knew the struggles she and I would face. And He knows what life will be like 5 years from now---I don't.

I can't tell you how much peace that gave me. I know I'm going to mess up. I know I won't make all the right decisions---in fact I'll probably make wrong ones much more than right decisions.

But what I do know is I was meant to be Hannah's mom.

And I am truly blessed.

Princess Tea party

Hannah attended a Princess Tea Party at school. She LOVED it! She was able to make a crown, get a princess tattoo, color a picture and watch a movie.

The group picture also made the paper! She was so excited. :)

Here are a few pictures that were posted on Facebook of the tea party:

Soccer

In the beginning of May, Hannah started soccer. I know---I'm a bit behind but at least I'm getting the pics out now. :)

She plays with her good friend, Lyla, and has so much fun.

Here are a few pictures from her first practice:

Week 33 of 4K

This week was "K" week:

Her "K" book:

She drew a heart on one of her pages. :)

More work with her numbers:

Sometimes she gets confused on writing right to left rather than left to right. We're working on that. :)

She also made a kite at school and was excited to come home and "fly" it. :) It didn't work so well...

So this has happened....

Yes, it's what it looks like. Hannah has her first tooth coming through. She showed me that her tooth was loose on May 5---which happens to be our anniversary. I thought maybe it was just wishful thinking. But then when she came home from school, she said to me that there were little bumps behind her tooth and they kinda hurt. So I look and sure enough.

Mommy's stomach dropped a little bit.

My baby is growing up.

Earlier in the week we had gotten a letter sent home from the school telling us about "Kinder Camp". It's 3 days of school full days and not just half days to help prepare the 4K students for kindergarten next year.

Urgh. Not a fun week for mommy.

Week 32 of 4K

This week was "B" week:

Her "B" book:

(I only include the pages she actually colors and circles her letters---My Hannah is a rebel! Not doing all of her homework!)

She also worked a little more with her numbers:

And her March Journal was sent home:

She "wrote" I love animals :)

She "wrote" I love rainbows :)

And I have to share a proud mommy moment. One day this week I picked her up from school and one of her classmates came up to me telling me that Hannah ignores him, doesn't play with him, etc. I wasn't sure what to say so I just said "Well, maybe there's a good reason. I'll talk to her."

The teacher overheard this conversation and pulled me aside. She said that Hannah does the right thing. This kid isn't nice to her and she simply takes herself away from the situation. She said I should be proud. :)

I sure am.

An interview with Amy Clipston!

Mother's Day is coming. :) In honor of that, my friend and favorite author, Amy Clipston, has done an interview with little old me! EEKKKKK!

Yeah, that's right. I'm so excited!

Her newest book, "A Beloved Hope Chest" will also be releasing on May 9 and I can't say enough good things about this book. You will cry. I had trouble putting it down. The backup of laundry and dishes and the lack of cooking for that time will prove it.

I promise you, you will love this book and this is the best part----Amy is having a giveaway which includes a FREE (yes, FREE) copy of an amazing book!

Can you just feel the excitement?

Okay, so I'll get on with it. Here is the interview Amy did with me. After the interview is your chance to win!!

Can you share one of your parenting goof ups?

Oh, there are so many, but some I would never put on display in a blog! Ha ha! The one I will share happened the weekend before Zac started Kindergarten. Joe and I took him to the beach at the Outer Banks, and we spent the day on Oregon Inlet. It was overcast, and I stupidly didn’t think we needed sunblock. I didn’t know until later that Zac burned terribly on his shoulders, and he went to school the following day in pain. To make matters worse, he developed blisters. I cried! It was terrible. I felt so horrible for allowing him to get hurt that way. (Please don’t send me hate mail. I learned my lesson!)

What was your most favorite book to read to your boys when they were little?

Zac absolutely loved Big Joe’s Trailer Truck by Joe Mathieu! He knew it by heart! It’s the cutest book, and I read it to Matt also. We kept it and will pass it on if they have children.


Out of all of your novels, who is your favorite mother?

Mattie Fisher from my Amish Heirloom series is my favorite! She’s modeled after my mother with her patient, loving heart. My mom and I sit together and have a cup of tea every night, just like Mattie and her daughters do.

What advice would you give to those who are not Mothers, yet long for children?

Since I have experienced a miscarriage and I know how it feels to lose a baby, my heart goes out to those who long to have children. I don’t feel I have the authority to give any advice, except to suggest that they speak to a fertility specialist. I hope those who long for children will have their prayers answered soon.

Can you share a special memory of your mother?

My favorite memory as a child is going to the movies with my mother every Saturday. We would go to see a matinee, and we had the best time! My love of movies truly comes from my parents.

This might sound corny, but my mom and I make special memories every day. She lives with my family and me, and she’s my best friend. We watch movies and television shows together, and we share books. While I’m working on a book, she sits in the same room and reads in order to keep my company. She helps me plot out my stories and she reads my books for typos. I can’t imagine not having her in my life. I’m so thankful God blessed me with the best mom!

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Speaking about Hannah

Recently I was given the honor of speaking at a mother/daughter retreat. Speaking has never been my thing. I was voted the Most Quietest in my graduating class. I took anti anxiety medications to get through Speech in college.

But I admit I'm starting to enjoy it more, even if I do get nervous. Sharing God's faithfulness in my life is simply AMAZING! I love telling people about how Hannah came into our lives, the miracle Mark is and how God continues to be faithful to us.

I'd like to share part of my talk---the part that hasn't been shared on my blog yet. That's the story of the woman who our daughter was named after---Hannah from the Bible. I compared her story to my story and in doing more research about Hannah, I learned more and fell in love with the woman whom our daughter was named after. It makes me even more proud that my daughter bears her name.

Here is part of the talk I gave:

Our daughter was named after Hannah in the Bible who struggled with infertility. I often thought of Hannah throughout our journey to become parents. Her faith and love for God inspired me and helped give me strength when I needed it so much.

I’d like to tell you about the woman whom our daughter was named after---the woman who gave me inspiration and strength and who struggled with many of the same emotions I felt and I’m sure many of you have felt. Maybe not with infertility but in other struggles of your life. Maybe a stressful job, a hard class, a failing relationship, being hurt by people in your life or a different hardship.

Hannah was the fourth woman in biblical history to suffer with infertility. The difference between Hannah and the other women before her was that she had unwavering faith and hope. The other three did not. Sarah laughed when she was told God would give her a child. Rebekah questioned God when her twins struggled in her womb. Rachel put the responsibility on her husband and was angry when she wasn’t able to conceive.

But Hannah trusted God. She was an example of grace in the midst of grief. Through all the years of waiting and longing to be a mother, Hannah’s heart was nearly crushed with the weight of grief. She wanted to be a mother so much.

The grief became unbearable at times and she cried endless tears. Her husband tried to comfort her in any way that he could. He insisted he loved her even if she couldn’t give him children.

Hannah was exhausted from grief as months and months went by without becoming pregnant. Most likely she felt as though she had been sent on an endless journey into the desert without a map. Each time she thought she was finally starting to feel a little better, something would happen that would trip her up again.

And again, and again.

Have you ever felt like that? Struggling and trying so hard to move forward in a situation but seems like you can never truly move ahead. I’m sure we can all relate to Hannah during tough times in our lives.

The simple things were hard for her. It was hard to even eat. Why bother feeding a body that had failed her? She would try desperately to choke down a few bites just to make her husband happy, but swallowing past that hard knot in her throat was nearly impossible.

Finally she couldn’t take any more. Her shaking and trembling legs carried her to the house of the Lord with strength she didn’t know she had.

She had never doubted her faith but that day she would step out in her faith as never before, determined to find peace. She knew she couldn’t find out answers alone and she knew where to turn with her questions.

In turning toward the temple with her broken dreams and desperation, Hannah was beginning to realize the same pain and peace in letting go.

As Hannah came to the house of the Lord, she opened her mouth but found it hard to speak. She was overcome with her emotions. Her body shook while sobbing and she prayed out to the Lord to heal her broken body and heart. She so desperately wanted to hear the name “Mommy”. She promised the Lord she would be a godly mother and she vowed to give her child back to the Lord to serve Him if He blessed her with a child.

Yes, that’s right. She would give her child back to the Lord.

She sacrificed both her heartache and future to the Lord. There was no turning back and she knew it.

Hannah left the temple that day with peace and renewed hope because she had placed her grief in the hands of God. But she also left still not knowing how God would choose to answer her prayers. Hannah committed herself to God’s best for her life, whatever that best might turn out to be.

God answered Hannah’s prayer and He gave her a son whom she named Samuel. She didn’t forget the vow she made to the Lord.

Those years of waiting for a baby seemed so agonizingly long, but I’m sure the brief months to cherish her miracle son had flashed in a blink of an eye. As a mother I can’t imagine the journey to the temple as she gave her son back to the Lord to live his days for the Lord. I can picture her clutching onto her son’s hand so tight. She worried how Samuel would feel the first night in a new, strange place without her. And as she left her son at the temple, I can’t imagine the pain as she turned around and walked away. She knew she would need God’s strength for the lonely walk home. She held onto the hope He had helped her survive her empty womb and He would help her survive her empty arms once again.

Now THAT is a true step of faith.

As a mom, I can’t imagine doing what she did. But Hannah praised God for her blessing and she kept her end of her vow.

God didn’t forget her either. He blessed her with 5 more children after Samuel and Hannah was still able to visit her son once a year.

I’d like to say I was just like Hannah throughout our infertility journey, but I admit I wasn’t. I was more like Sarah, Rebekah and Rachel. I questioned, I got mad, I lost hope. But I would often think of Hannah and her faith and hope to trust in God again. Hannah inspired me to turn to God and turn to hope during our journey.

Having hope is a blessed thing. God wants us to have hope. Did you know that hope is mentioned 130 times in the King James Version of the Bible? Most people think hope is “hoping something will happen”, but the biblical definition of hope is “confident expectation”, an assurance regarding the things in our life that are unclear and unknown.

During our failed attempts and cycles during our infertility journey, I kept track of the number of days I had hope versus the number of days I felt much despair. After a year of infertility treatments, I counted the days. During that year, I had 339 days of hope and 17 days of despair. That’s a lot of hope. Some days I only had a little hope and other days a lot of hope, but there were many more days of hope than despair.

That’s what God wants us to have---more hope than despair.

The journey of infertility was not a journey Hannah chose by any means. She was heartbroken, devastated, depressed. But Hannah had no way of knowing God’s ultimate plan was to bless her with a special son whom He would use to lead His people.

In order to prepare Hannah’s heart and the circumstances that would lead to Samuel to anoint Kings, heartache had to come first. He was preparing Hannah’s heart so her son would be raised in a temple and bring a nation back to Him, but Hannah knew none of this at the time. Had God given Hannah a child when she first desired motherhood, would she have ever dedicated Samuel to God’s service? Probably not.

I went through a lot of grief and loss during our journey to have a baby. I have 10 angel babies waiting for me in heaven and I can’t wait to see them, hold them and tell them how much I love being their mother. But, at the same time, it’s so hard to not be their mother here on Earth. I grief that. I think of my babies all the time. I wonder what they would look like, what their personalities would be like, would they be boys or girls. I miss them. I think about them all the time, just like any mother does for their children. Some days I miss them so much I can’t stop the tears.

But I also know the loss I’ve felt and the grief I’ve gone through has been no accident. God has paved my way and my heart to become softer and more understanding for my daughter. My heart was broken so I could help my daughter with her broken heart. I know when Hannah gets older, she’ll have many questions. I know one day she will be sad and feel a loss for her birth mother. She may come to me with tears in my eyes and say “Mom, I’m so sad my birth mother made such a hard decision”. I’ll cry with her and tell her that I’m so sad too. We’ll talk about how much her birth mother wanted her, how she didn’t “give her up” and instead “gave her a better life”, how much she loved (and loves) her enough to give her a more stable life, how she is so lucky to have two sets of parents who love her so much while most people have only one. Would I be able to understand this if I hadn’t struggled so much? Probably not.

Heartache had to come first.

God sees the big picture from beginning to end. We can only see the little piece right now. Our lives are like a big puzzle. So many pieces have to come together to make a masterpiece. Sometimes the pieces don’t fit no matter how hard we try to make it work and we have to try another piece. But God knows and He is here to help us find the perfect piece.

Like all things I look back and can see that God is faithful. These are times that I otherwise wouldn’t have experienced had I not been struggling. I consider it all blessings. I mean, I got to witness the miracle of a transplant! An organ from another human being was put into my husband so he could live! A miracle! And I got to experience God’s helping hand in providing $10,000 in one month to help bring my daughter home. A feat we thought impossible but proved to us that NOTHING is impossible with God.

I am so grateful I have gone through this journey.

I’ve cried more, BUT I’ve smiled more.

My faith has been tested, BUT I’ve learned so much more about God, I’ve realized He has a plan and He will always provide.

At times there has been more stress and strain in our marriage, BUT it has also made us stronger and we’ve learned to lean on each other more. I can’t imagine going through this with anyone else but Mark right by my side.

I’ve met people in my life who I otherwise wouldn’t have met.

I’ve realized not everything comes easy and that I take a lot for granted.

I’ve also learned to trust in God’s timing. His timing is always perfect even if it means sometimes waiting much longer than we would like.

As hard and painful as this journey has been at times, I’m glad God chose us to go through it. I’m honored this has been my cross to bear.

To close, I’d like to say thank you again for having me here and allowing me to share my story. What I want you to take most from my story is that God does have a plan, He does perform miracles and if He is making you wait, it isn’t necessarily a bad thing.

And I encourage you to look back and see how faithful God has been. He is faithful every day, even by things we don’t think about, like the rising and setting of the sun and the food He provides. I’m sure you can think of many times in your life when He has been faithful and provided.

And know whatever you’re facing right now or will face in the future, He is able.

A special angel pin

I'm so very proud of Hannah. No, she's not the perfect child by any means and she certainly has her bad moments.

But sometimes she makes me so proud I can barely stand it.

In the last few years we've gotten to be close to a family who suffered the most unspeakable tragedy, losing 3 of their precious girls in a horrible accident. The thought just is too heartbreaking to even fathom. I've talked about the family a few times on my blog.

One of the girls, Lydia, has become especially special to Hannah. She has pictures of Lydia, kisses her good night every night and even one time found a feather in the car after talking about Lydia. We just know that was Lydia saying hi.

On April 26, Lydia would have been 15 years old.

A couple months ago, Hannah came up to me with an idea that just warmed my heart.

"Mommy, I want to do something for Lydia. When is her birthday? Because I want to get angel pins and hand them out to my friends. I want to remind everyone that Lydia is a special angel and that she's always looking out for us".

Wow.

It took me about 2 seconds to look up on the internet and find angel pins for her to hand out.

On April 26, Hannah proudly brought angel pins to school to hand out to all her friends and teachers. Since then I've seen a couple of the students back packs with their angel pins proudly shown.

And to think this was all Hannah's idea.

I'm just bursting with pride.

Here is Hannah with the pin she handed out and a picture of Lydia.