still here

Just wanted to write a quick post to let you all know that I'm still around.  I've been so sick for the past three weeks - like 24-hour a day ickiness - that all I want to do is lay on the couch and sleep.  I haven't actually thrown up yet but I've come close.  Many times.  Not to mention what a struggle work has been.  I just keep hoping I don't get sick during any of my meetings!  I shouldn't be surprised by my queasiness; my mom was sick the entire nine months of each of her three pregnancies, and my sister was sick during her one pregnancy (although I don't think it was for the whole nine months - there's hope for me yet!).  I'm just taking it as good news that things are progressing as they should.  My next appointment can't come fast enough:  another blood draw on Friday, November 2 at 7:50 am.

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Correction:  My next blood draw is Friday, November 9 at 7:50 am and my next u/s is Wednesday, November 7 at 2:00 pm.

beta #1 and #2 - the numbers

A week ago today was my second beta.  I haven't blogged about it yet because I just haven't been able to get up the energy by the time my hubby and I are done with all of our after-work happenings (gym, dinner, errands, grocery shopping, etc).  But tonight, I stayed home and didn't do any of my usual evening activities so I'm getting an early start on my computer usage.

So.  Beta day #2.  I wasn't with it enough to ask what my first hCG level was when I received the call from my RE on our first beta day so I waited as patiently as I could for beta day #2.  I could have called and asked what my first number was but I just decided to wait.  If it was good enough for my RE, it was good enough for me.

On Monday, October 8th, I called just a few minutes after the clinic opened to schedule my second blood draw; I could hardly wait to get it in the books.  I asked the receptionist to transfer me to scheduling and when my call was picked up, I requested an appointment for Tuesday.  Once again, I chose the earliest time slot available:  October 9th at 7:30 am.  I think I was too excited to realize that an appointment a little later in the morning would have been ok and would have allowed me to sleep in a little longer.  The cut off time for same-day blood test results at my clinic is 10 am.  But I also didn't want to arrive at work too late and make people suspicious and ask questions as to my whereabouts.

After scheduling my blood draw, I couldn't wait any longer.  I texted my sisters the news that our FET cycle worked.  I would have called but I was at work and didn't want other people to hear our conversations...and I couldn't wait all day to tell someone!  My younger sister responded first via text with "Hot diggity dog!!!!!"  Then my older sister responded with "I accidentally erased your msg" so I resent it and she responded with "Well hotdog."  LOL, my sisters and I say these kinds of things to each other all the time so they were pretty appropriate.  ; )

All day, I had a very torturous wait to tell my BFF (we'll call her A).  I could have texted her the news but we hadn't talked on the phone for a really long time so it was a nice reason to communicate using a method other than email or text.  After I was done with work, the gym, dinner, back to the gym again because I left my cell phone on the stationary bike, a couple of texts with A, and a failed attempt at Skyping, I finally gave A a call to tell her our news.  And we talked for 2 hours and 14 minutes.  Oh, did I mention she lives several states away and I don't get to see her very much?  (Boo!)  We had a very lovely phone call with lots of catching up and many heartfelt congratulations from her.  And we were having such a fun time talking on the phone that I wasn't ready to hang up when it came time for DH to give me my nightly PIO shot.  So yeah, he stuck the needle in my tushie as I was talking to A.  And I told her all about it.  ; )

As I went to bed Monday night, I was again too excited to sleep very well, even despite my energy shortage from the effects of actually being pregnant.  But my alarm going off at 5:45 am the next day still came too early.  I showered, readied myself, and left for my appointment at 7:00 am....and made the mistake of taking the freeway.  Traffic was stop and go for the first 20 minutes of my commute!  Ugh.  I tried calling my clinic to let them know I would be a few minutes late but of course they weren't open yet.  I gave up trying to give them advance notice - after all, if they didn't even open until the exact time of my appointment, they could hardly blame me for not being able to tell them I was stuck in traffic - and I turned on the speed racer mode once traffic started moving again.  I made it to my appointment and was only about three minutes late.  Sometimes I think I should have been a race car driver.  ; )

Soon after I checked in, my name was called by the usual tech who has the unfortunate tendency of stabbing me in the arm for my blood draws.  (The two blood draws that didn't hurt must have been a fluke.)  We made small talk; I'm generally not that into small talk but I was in such a cheery mood from receiving my BFP news on Sunday that I didn't mind.  I think I actually chatted a little too much with her because she made a comment (not in a rude way) that made me stop talking so she could fill out the necessary paperwork.  After she finished filling out what she needed, she said something to me like, "So you're back again today?" with a happy smile on her face.  To which I responded, "Yes!  I received a surprise positive test on Sunday!" and we continued with more small talk.  I even talked right through the stab in my arm, but not without wincing and having a strain in my voice as I spoke.  And then she bandaged me up and sent me on my way.  All that worrying about being late to my appointment for nothing.  For those of you who know me IRL, you're probably not surprised by this.  I hate being late and rarely is it a big deal when I actually am (queue memories from my bachelorette party and ensuing trip to urgent care - I'll save that story for another day).

I made it to work about 20 minutes later and tried to busy myself with, you know, actual work, as a distraction until I received the call with my blood test results.  My attempts at distraction were only minimally successful.  But finally, I heard my cell phone vibrating at my desk a little after 3:00 pm.  It was one of the nurses and she gave me my magical beta numbers:  494 from beta #1 and 1,161 from beta #2!  If my math is correct, that's a doubling time of 1.6 days!  Hallelujah!  I remember thinking something like, "I really am for real pregnant!  Thank you God!"  The nurse said my numbers rose "beautifully" and wished me congratulations.  She also informed me that the next step was to schedule my first u/s and that it needed to be October 27th or later.  Wow, three whole weeks until my next appointment!  How will I keep my sanity??

The nurse transferred me to scheduling, and since I will be out of town the weekend of the 27th for my grandma's 90th birthday, I set up the appointment for October 29th at 11:45 am.  I was disappointed that I couldn't get in for my appointment before my grandma's birthday, just to have confirmation that everything is ok and have it be a bit safer for us to tell the rest of my family our news.  I know it's still early to tell people that weekend, but it will be a large gathering with many family members who I haven't seen in years - in some cases, SIX years.  After scheduling my u/s, I hung up and sent DH an instant message to tell him the good news and to make sure he blocked off his calendar for our appointment on the 29th.  I couldn't believe it - me?  Having a fetal u/s?  I thanked God again for giving us this miracle.

Oh, and I was so excited for the good beta numbers and scheduling our first fetal u/s that I forgot to ask the nurse some of my questions.  So I called back a few minutes later and of course I had to leave a message.  Fortunately, it didn't take long for the nurse to call me back again.  I asked her when it was ok to have sexy time again (I didn't say it exactly like that though - LOL, maybe I should have!), how far along I am in my pregnancy, and if they were able to give me a due date yet.  She said no sexy time until after our u/s (yikes - that means no sexy time for a total of 4.5 weeks!  boo!), that I was 4 weeks and 2 days (so today, the day I'm finally writing this post, I'm 5 weeks and 2 days), and that my EDD is June 25.  That last part still seems wrong to me so I'm going to ask about it at my next appointment.  I think it should be more like June 15, but I'm no expert.

And I finally slept that night.

the biggest shock of my life: a positive beta (part II)

This is the second half of my beta day story from last weekend.  If you missed the first half, click here.

After giving my sister a quick call and then talking to my doctor last Sunday, DH and I arrived home and discussed if we should call and tell anyone the news of our positive beta.  I really wanted to tell my dad since he knew we had our transfer on the 27th of September.  DH's parents also knew about our transfer so he wanted to call and tell them too.  My dad and DH's parents had all been praying for us that our treatments would be successful so we knew they were anxious to hear the results.

I phoned my dad and put him on speakerphone so DH could be included in the conversation.  I told him I had my blood test that morning and that it was positive.  And he started crying!  He said congratulations and that he was so happy for us.  His fiance' (we'll call her L) was there too so he handed the phone off to her - I assume so he could collect himself - and she was overjoyed!  I don't know how many times she said congratulations and what happy news this was, and I said, "I don't know if Dad mentioned anything, but we've been doing IVF so it's really early so please don't tell anyone."  She had no idea about our treatments, which didn't surprise me because my dad had been very cautious about telling anyone about our treatments in case they didn't work.

As I asked L to please keep our news quiet, I could hear my dad in the background spilling the beans to my grandma.  My dad handed the phone off to L so fast that I didn't have time to tell him not to tell anyone.  And my grandma doesn't exactly know how to keep things to herself.  So I talked to Grandma next and told her over and over that it was too early and that she couldn't tell anyone.  She said something about learning her lesson and that she wouldn't tell anyone, but that it's just so hard to keep good news quiet.  And she was crying!  I didn't realize it at the time, but my dad's fiance' had been crying when I talked to her too.

By this time, my sister arrived to pick us up for the apple orchard so we didn't have time to call DH's parents.  It was torture not being able to tell my sister our news as we spent the afternoon together but we wanted to tell DH's parents first.  I tried to distract myself during the drive to the apple orchard by playing the high five game with my nephew - you know, the "Gimme a five!  On the side!  Up high!  Down low!  You're too slow!" and "Cut the pickle!  Tickle tickle!" game.  My nephew loves playing this while traveling.

So the four of us (me, DH, my sister, and my nephew) finally arrived at A's Apple Orchard (not the real name of the orchard).  We walked around the inside of the main building (it was cold and windy outside) and we sampled different apples and looked at the different food items made by the orchard (pies, donuts, cookies, salsa, syrup, brats, meat sticks, cider, etc, etc).  DH and I picked out our own Honeycrisp apples to fill our bag and a few Harrelson apples that DH was going to use to bake some apple crisp.  We also picked up a two-pack of meat sticks to snack on while we walked around the orchard grounds.  My sister picked up a few things too, including some apple syrup.

DH kindly offered to take our purchases back to my sister's van so we could continue to walk around and take my nephew to some of the fun kid things at the orchard.  While we waited for DH to come back, I ordered some hot apple cider (for me) and an apple cookie (for DH).  Mmm...so good!  My nephew had some kettle corn and a hot cider, which he wouldn't drink until it was thoroughly cooled.  DH returned carrying a wine sample (it was so not fair of him to drink that right in front of me) and was just in time to pick up his cookie right as I was paying for the goods.  He had eaten about 3/4 of his cookie when my nephew (almost four years old) spotted it and brazenly asked if he could have DH's cookie.  Who could turn down such a sweet face?  So DH gave up the rest of his cookie to a happy little boy.

We then took my nephew to the swings and slide where he played for a few minutes.  The slide was almost too steep for him; he landed on his hands and knees after his first attempt.  Next, he moved to the "train" that was pulled by a riding lawnmower, I think it was.  The "cars" of the train were made out of big barrels and set on top of a small platform with wheels and a bench with a seat belt.  He had such a good time.  After the train, he went on a hayride with his mom, and I took him into the hay maze.  He LOVED it.  Last, he took his turn on some green and yellow kid-size tractors and tricycles.  And as we left the orchard, DH gave my nephew a ride on his shoulders back to the van.  It was so sweet.

I don't know if it was all in my head, but I felt pregnancy symptoms all afternoon at the orchard...nausea, tiredness, and the need to use the restroom many times.  On our way home, the latter symptom really kicked in - we couldn't get home fast enough.  It was a near emergency, I'm telling you.  But thankfully, we made it home in time.  It was funny how obvious my symptoms were once I knew my test results.

We said good-bye to my sister and nephew and called DH's parents.  But not before my nephew tried every trick in the book to try to get his mom to let him stay longer so we could play.  He also tried to convince us to come over to his house.  It was so adorable; he certainly has a special place in my heart.  : )

When my sister and nephew left, we finally called DH's parents.  His dad answered, DH put him on speaker phone, and the two of them made small talk.  Then DH broke the news to him.  He told us congratulations and said, "A positive!  That's great!" then he quickly handed the phone off to DH's mom.  As DH's dad was handing the phone off, I could hear him in the background saying "It was positive!"

DH's mother picked up the phone and we told her the news ourselves.  She offered her congratulations and said "I thought the test wasn't until Monday?"  DH briefly explained that I needed to move my appointment up a day.  He also said we weren't telling anyone else yet and that they shouldn't say anything to DH's brother and sister.  It was a short but very happy conversation.

The rest of the evening was just as much a blur for me as the morning.  I rested on the couch for a while (the apple orchard wore me out) and finished up the laundry while DH went to the grocery store.  Before church, DH tried to negotiate that if he went to church with me, that I would need to go to the grocery store with him.  I said I would think about it (grocery shopping is not my most favorite thing).  So DH did end up going to church with me but I got out of grocery shopping because of our happy news...and being so tired from it.

When we went to bed that night and I asked DH what was going through his mind when I told him our RE had good news for us.  He said he knew it was positive when he saw me crying as I was walking back to the church sanctuary.  I said, "But I would have been crying if it was good news or bad news."  He said he just knew.  And then we went to sleep...well, he slept.  I was too excited to get more than a couple hours of sleep.

And that's our BFP story.  : )

the biggest shock of my life: a positive beta (part I)

Thank you to everyone out there who sent me well wishes or just thought positive, happy things for me.  It truly means the world and I know that I would not have my positive beta without your support.  And I'm sorry I've been slow to update this week.  I've just been sooo tired every night after work.  But I managed to have a small burst of energy so here's part one of my happy beta story.  : )

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Where to begin?  I guess I'll just start with the morning of Sunday, October 7th - beta day for my first FET.  The morning is a bit of a blur until the part where I received the phone call from my RE that changed my life forever.  Nothing before that seems to even matter, but just so I can look back and reflect on the day, I'll write about it anyway...as best as I can remember.

I woke up bright and early Sunday morning so I could shower and get myself ready before my blood draw.  I was beginning to rethink taking the earliest time slot they had available on the weekend.  I was so tired but I just wanted to get it over with; I was convinced it was going to be negative.  So with one day's notice, I took the 8:40 am appointment.

As it crept past 8:00, my hubby gently suggested that I needed to get going to allow extra time for the marathon that was happening that morning.  I thought he was probably right so I left...and it turned out he was wrong!  Ha ha!  I hate to admit this, but my hubby is usually right about things so I rather enjoy it when he isn't.  ; )

I didn't see a single marathoner or closed street on the drive to my clinic so I arrived around 8:30 - plenty of time.  I checked in at the front desk and didn't even get to take a seat in the waiting room.  The tech was behind the front desk and was ready for me.  It must have been a slow morning.  She took me back to the usual seat by the window that overlooked the street below.  I pulled up the sleeve on my left arm and she said something about "We're doing the left arm today?"  I think she was trying to be funny since it was obvious I wanted her to use my left arm but her delivery needed a little work.  And I wasn't in the mood for jokes...at least not jokes that weren't very good.

She asked for my date of birth, then I felt the familiar pinch of the needle.  Since the weekend tech is a different person than who is on staff during the week, it didn't hurt at all.  It only took a few seconds and my blood was bottled (well, tubed) and labeled.  I asked her when I would be getting the results and she said they usually call after 12 pm.  I thanked her and put pressure on my arm as I walked out the door.  I was in and out of the clinic in two minutes.

I arrived home again just a few minutes after 9 am and thought to myself it was too late to make it to the early church service, which started at 9 am.  I don't like walking into church that late, and by the time I drove there, it would be much more after 9.  I can't remember exactly what I did between getting home from my blood draw and leaving for the later church service.  Maybe I did some laundry and watched a little TV?

DH and I left around 10:15 am for the 10:30 church service.  After we arrived, I said to DH that we should sit in the back by the door in case my RE called during the service.  So we sat in the very last row next to the doors leading to the large gathering / lobby type space (I'm not sure if this area in a church has a specific name - narthex, maybe?).  Our church services last about an hour, and throughout our time there, I kept thinking about the pros and cons of being given the news of a positive blood test or a negative blood test during church.

As the service was creeping to a close, I thought we were in the clear.  Then my phone rang.  At exactly 11:19 am.  My heart jumped into my throat and I raced out the back door.  Even though I was sure the test was going to be negative I still didn't want to miss the call and have to try to reach my clinic later.  Now was not the time for a game of phone tag.  My RE was on the line.  "Oh no," I thought, "Doesn't he only call with bad news?  Don't the nurses call with good news?"  I really had no idea, but based on other blogs I've read, this was my conclusion.  And even though I thought the result was going to be negative, I was still holding onto that last bit of hope.

And then he said to me, "I have some good news."  I said, "What?"  My mind was racing; my first thought was he was joking.  Even though I knew a doctor wouldn't joke about something like that, I was still convinced that's what was happening.  Then I wondered what the catch was; he has good news BUT....but what?  The "but" never came and I still didn't believe him.  I thought he was going to tell me the good news is this cycle failed, but we can get started with (fill in the blank) for the next cycle.

I literally did not believe the words that were coming out of this man's mouth.  He continued talking and said my test was positive and he congratulated me, and somewhere in there, it sunk in and I said "Oh my God, really?"  And I just broke down.  I felt a huge wave of relief and I started sobbing.  There was no holding back.  I couldn't believe it.  Me?  Pregnant?  Positive pregnancy tests don't happen to me; they're for other people.

My RE laughed a little at my sobbing but it was a good laugh, a happy laugh at my surprise and joy.  He ran down the list of next steps, which I was barely comprehending at that point.  I heard him say something about coming back again on Tuesday, October 9th  for a second hCG blood test to confirm my levels were rising properly, to schedule our first fetal u/s, and to continue taking my PIO, Estrace, baby aspirin, and prenatal vitamins.  I finally gathered my wits enough to ask if the clinic would be calling me to schedule or if I should be the one to call them.  He said I should call.  I thanked him and then I hung up.  The call lasted 1 minute and 24 seconds.  And it completely changed my life.

I walked very quickly back to the church sanctuary to tell DH the news.  And I let the tears continue.  I was just so happy!  I sat down next to DH and leaned over to rest my chin on his shoulder and whispered to him, "it was positive!"  And I sobbed some more.  He smiled at me and squeezed my hand.  He whispered back to me and asked if I wanted to leave church.  I said no, and had to quickly regain my composure for communion by intinction.  I'm sure I had red, splotchy eyes as I received the communion wafer from the pastor and dipped it in...juice!  For the first time, I had a real reason for not using the wine!  And it felt really good.

The last few minutes of church seemed to take an eternity.  Again DH asked if I wanted to leave.  This time I said yes so we snuck out during the closing hymn.  I realized as we were walking to the car that I still did not have any Estrace to take on Monday since I would be taking my last dose Sunday night.  DH and I were also planning to go to the apple orchard after church with my sister and my nephew.  So I quick gave my sister a call to tell her we were on our way home, which was good since she was already on her way to our house to pick us up.  Then I called my RE about my Estrace problem, but the clinic was already closed.  "What?  By 11:30 am?" I thought.  So I held for the answering service.  I explained my situation to the nice, non-medically trained man who answered the phone.  After some discussion, he said he wasn't allowed to page a doctor unless it was an emergency.  I told him I thought it was an emergency since I didn't have the medication I needed.  He agreed to put in the page and said if I didn't hear from Dr. C (my RE) within 20 minutes, that I should call back again.  Dr. C called nine minutes later.  He is awesome.

I apologized for not thinking to ask about the Estrace when he called me the first time.  Then we discussed that since I have ordered all of my meds over the phone to be mailed to me overnight, that he would call in a prescription for me to a local pharmacy for just a few pills to hold me over until I could refill my regular prescription with the mail order service.  Sounded like a plan to me!

FET #1 - beta day

I'm sorry to take so long to update you all but I had a few phone calls to make to those who read my blog and know me IRL.

So, "what's new today," you ask?  Oh nothing much besides a BFP!!!!!!!

I will update later with a proper post of how I found out, but I didn't want to leave you hanging any longer.  My BFP was confirmed by my RE on Sunday and I finally POAS this morning...for my first ever positive pregnancy test!

Please keep the prayers coming; I know we're not out of the woods yet.  And a BIG FAT THANK YOU to every single one of you who hoped and prayed and sent positive thoughts and vibes and kept body parts crossed and everything else!  Because it worked!  Your support helped bring us our BFP.  I thank you all from the bottom of my heart.  <3

I go in for beta #2 tomorrow morning and will try to ask for numbers this time since I didn't get any numbers for beta #1.

So here it is!  After eight years of IF, my very first positive pregnancy test:

 

 

Isn't it beautiful?  :D

FET #1 - 9dp6dt

As I was about to take my last Estrace pill for the day yesterday evening, I counted the remaining little blue pills in the bottle and realized I would not have enough to last me through Monday, my beta day.  I am supposed to have my blood draw Monday morning and should receive the results sometime Monday afternoon.  So, by the time I receive my results, I should have taken two Estrace pills.  By my count, I only have enough pills to last me through tomorrow evening.  Queue mini freak out.

Why in the world would my clinic schedule my beta the day after my prescription runs out?  Yeah, that makes sense.  So I called my RE's office around 10:15 this morning to see what I should do:  somehow get a refill of a few pills to last me until I get my test results (then renew my prescription if my beta is positive) or move my beta up a day and avoid trying to find a way to get a few extra pills on Monday (and still renew my prescription if my results are positive).

I knew from calling the clinic on the weekend in the past that the nurseline was closed until Monday but I played dumb and asked to speak to a nurse anyway.  The receptionist said the nurseline was closed and asked if my question could wait until Monday.  I explained my Estrace shortage and she found a nurse for me to speak with right away.  The nurse tried to figure out a way for me to get a few extra pills, that is, until I suggested moving my appointment up one day.  It was like she didn't even think of it.  She put me on hold to find my chart to see if a Sunday beta would be too early to test.  It wasn't.  So now I'm getting my blood drawn tomorrow at 8:40 am and I won't have to go into work late on Monday.  It's a win-win.  Well, unless my beta is negative.  Then it's a big fat lose.

I've been trying not to be on symptom watch during my 2WW.  But I've been so much more hopeful this time, that I can't help but try to analyze how I've been feeling.  I've either been experiencing pregnancy symptoms (somewhat likely) or PMS symptoms (very likely).  So here is my symptom watch list at 9dp6dt and the day before my beta:

• breasts - sore and swollen the last couple of days (could be pregnancy, could be PMS)
• cramps - I've been having cramps off and on since two days before my transfer.  This is normal for me in a regular, non-pregnant cycle but cramps are also common in pregnancy.  The cramps haven't been as strong as they were during my IVF cycle but they are stronger today so I'm fearful that AF is coming. (could be pregnancy, could be PMS)
• appetite - I've had periods of nausea during the last week or so and also periods of feeling very, very hungry.  (could be pregnancy, could be side effects of the FET medication; I don't typically feel nauseated or really hungry during PMS)
• hydration - I have been really thirsty the last several days.  I have no idea if this is related to anything other than maybe I haven't been drinking enough fluids, or maybe the change in the weather (it's much dryer this time of year where I live).  (pregnancy?  PMS?  other?)
• sleep - I have been completely exhausted every day this week.  (could be pregnancy; I don't typically get super tired until AF actually shows up)
• mood - I have been feeling crabby about the dumbest things; I'm not sure if women feel crabby during the early days of pregnancy?  But I definitely feel crabby with PMS.  (could maybe be pregnancy; could definitely be PMS)

That's about it.  This is my first cycle in eight years where I am actually not sure of the outcome - probably because this is the most hopeful I have ever been.  I hate to admit it, but I knew within the first two days of my transfer for my first IVF cycle that my blood test was going to be negative.  So I was never tempted to POAS.  But this time is different.  I am tempted to POAS but I'm staying strong.  It's much easier now that I'm in the home stretch and my beta has been moved up a day.  But if I were to guess, I would guess my test tomorrow will be negative.  It's been negative for eight years, I'm not sure why tomorrow would be any different.  But I'm trying to stay positive and trust God's will and His plan for me, for I know He wants me to prosper.  But will it be now?  And will it be with a baby?

PS - I was visiting my sister and my nephew Thursday evening after work and would not be home in time for DH to give me my PIO shot.  So I took my supplies with me.  I knew my sister wouldn't give me my shot - and sure enough, I didn't even have to ask before she said no - so I gave myself my PIO shot again.  And I'm happy to report there were no gushers of blood or (nearly) clogged toilets this time.  ; )

addendum to my last post

I don't know how it could possibly have slipped my mind when I was writing my last post, but I completely forgot to tell you another part to my story about how DH got a little upset when I asked for chocolate milk while I was on bed rest.

Before I went in the bedroom to have a good cry, I needed my PIO shot.  Well, I was so upset (again - it's the hormones!) that I decided I was not going to rely on DH for my needs during the remainder of my bed rest (silliness, I know).  So I gave my PIO shot to myself.  DH was standing right there and asked me if I wanted him to do it.  I said no and pushed the needle in.  Yep, I did it.  And it really wasn't that bad!  Except for the part where I removed the needle from my tushie and started gushing blood.  No kidding.  It was coming out of that tiny needle hole faster than I could keep up with it.

And then DH swooped in and saved the day - er, night (I take my shot at 8 pm every night).  He tore off a super absorbent paper towel and held it to my tushie.  I took over the holding the paper towel part; he cleaned up the floor where my blood had spilled over the edge of my sweat pants and landed in big drips.  Afterwards, I laid on the couch for a few minutes and then made my way to the bedroom.  Cut to the scene in my last post where DH came into the bedroom and apologized and we had a good laugh.

After the drama and laughter in the bedroom, I made a pit stop in the bathroom before making my way back to the couch for a movie with DH.  (You're probably wondering why I'm telling you about my visit to the restroom, but I assure you it involves another funny little story.)  I didn't even do anything big (heh heh) in the bathroom, but for some reason, the toilet would not flush - like it was clogged.  I waited for the water to slowly go down, then I flushed again...and very, very slowly, it emptied and was back to normal.

Still, I wondered why the toilet had such a problem flushing.  After a few minutes, it dawned on me.  I still had the paper towel stuffed in the back of my pants that DH had given me to stop the blood from gushing after my shot!  LOL, it must have fallen out of my pants and into the toilet causing it to (almost) plug up.  I chuckled to myself and shared my funny little story with DH.  And he laughed.  And probably rolled his eyes at me.

I guess that is what I get for being pouty and all hormone-y and giving myself my own PIO shot.  I advise any of you who are thinking you can do this yourself to please reconsider.  You may end up anemic with a clogged toilet.  ; )

FET #1 - 48 hours of bed rest

Bed rest after my FET on Thursday was, by design, uneventful.  I don't think I've ever slept so much in a 48-hour time period in my life.  Although I didn't plan it, it seemed to have worked out well that I stayed up late the night before our noon time transfer.  I was well rested before my first fresh cycle and was bored out of my mind on bed rest because I couldn't sleep (at least not very much).  But let me tell you - this time I rocked the sleeping at night, and especially the napping during the day.  When I wasn't sleeping, I was watching TV (primarily comedies per my nurse's advice) and babysitting my work email.  I wanted to use the time to read and comment on blogs but it was just too awkward trying to type while laying down.  So now I'm way behind on my blog reading / commenting (I hope you all forgive me!).

My post about my 48 hours of bed rest would not be complete if I didn't tell a little story about an interaction I had with DH on Friday night.  I'll cut right to the main scene:  queue me laying on the couch and DH getting supper ready.  And action!  DH walked into the living room and asked me what I wanted to drink with our pizza he picked up from Papa Murphy's that evening.  He had already mixed himself a drink with rum, ice, and I think Sierra Mist or 7Up.  So I asked for....wait for it....wait for it....chocolate milk!  Exasperatedly, DH said to me "You always ask for the most complicated things!"  And he was serious.

Queue me shrinking into the couch and crying.  Normally, I wouldn't cry over chocolate milk or DH saying something like that to me so I'm definitely blaming this one on the drugs, and maybe some stress.  And normally, I would walk over to DH and hug and kiss him and maybe make fun of him a little for having such a strong reaction to the idea of making such a complicated beverage as chocolate milk.  Or just go make it myself.  But DH seemed unfazed by my pouting and sniffling into the couch so I laid down in the bedroom and had a bigger cry.

Eventually, he came into the bedroom to see what was wrong.  Men can be so clueless sometimes - am I right or am I right?  ; )  I told him about the chocolate milk, he apologized, and I tried so hard to stay mad at him - at least for a little bit.  But then he said something, and I can't even remember what it was at this point, but I could not stop laughing.  I even put my hand over my mouth so he couldn't see that I was laughing, but obviously, he could hear me laughing - which I denied and then we laughed even more.  All was right in the world again and I rejoined him in the living room for pizza (pepperoni and green olives for me, pepperoni and sausage for him) and a Redbox dvd rental (Wanderlust - which I had just seen about two weeks ago, oh well). 

By Saturday, I was in the home stretch of serving my time in couch / bed prison.  DH had planned to leave bright and early to make a stop at a sporting goods store before going fishing with his brother.  I whined that I didn't want him to leave yet because I would be lonely while on bed rest, and I pointed out that his brother wouldn't even be awake that early (he works the night shift).  So DH climbed back in bed and snuggled with me until I fell asleep again.  This made me so happy - and still does any time I think about it.  :D

My bed rest officially ended at 1 pm on Saturday.  I showered immediately because I had a very lovely treat waiting for me at 2 pm:  a 60-minute facial!  (I try to get one facial or one massage a month as a treat to myself.)  I was super excited but I didn't have time to style my hair.  I just tried to sculpt it in place without using my blow dryer and rushed out the door.  That was some record showering / dressing / eating lunch / feeble attempt at styling my hair.  I wasn't even all that concerned about my hair; it always gets messed up during my facial anyway but I still had to be seen in public.

After my wonderful and relaxing facial, two of my girlfriends (CA & H) came over for a Redbox movie rental (The Hunger Games - which I had already seen but it was definitely worth seeing again) and Chinese takeout.  Mmm...chicken lo mein and cream cheese wontons make me happy.  : )  Half way through the movie, I had to exuse myself for my PIO shot.  I joked with CA & H that I had to take a break to go shoot up.  After the movie ended, we had some lovely girlfriend talk late into the night - well, late for three ladies in their mid-thirties, two of which have kids at home.  In other words, we were ready to call it a night by 11 pm.  I know, we live on the edge.  Watch out.

And that is the end of my bed rest stories for FET #1.  At least for now.

FET #1 - transfer day

Note to readers:  The following is the second part to my update about my transfer.  You can find part one here.

I woke up Thursday morning in disbelief that our transfer day had arrived.  I packed my Valium and some comfortable clothes to change into afterwards and I kept thinking, "How will I possibly be able to focus on anything at work this morning?"  Thankfully, the morning flew by.  I had a one hour meeting just before I had to leave for my appointment; it was both a big help and a major hindrance in passing the time.  The meeting didn't require a lot of focus and concentration on my part, but I kept wishing people would not talk so much so it would end early.  And let me tell you, there were some long-winded people in that meeting.  I actually feared it would run long, causing me to be late for my appointment.  But fortunately, it ended about 10 minutes early.

After my meeting, I emailed DH to see if he was ready to go (he was), packed up my laptop so I could work from home while on bed rest, and met DH in the parking lot.  Of course the drive to our appointment could not go without some type of hiccup.  As we were leaving the parking lot, I realized I had not taken my Valium yet so I dug in my work bag for the bottle with the lone pill in it....and it wasn't there!  (Insert instant panic on my part.)  I frantically informed DH I couldn't find my Valium and we discussed that we didn't have time to go home to get it before our scheduled arrival time.  Thankfully, DH had his wits about him, which was more than I could say for myself, and recommended I call our RE's office to see if they could give me a Valium once we arrived.  While I made the call, DH pulled to the side of the road in case the clinic didn't have an extra Valium and we needed to turn around and go home to get my pill.

I told the front desk I had an urgent question for the nursing staff about my FET that was scheduled for that day - and they didn't make me leave a message!  Now I know how to get a real person to talk to me the first time I call.  ; )  I explained the situation to the nurse and she put me on hold to see if she could track down a Valium.  While I was on hold, my brain started functioning again and I realized I had another bag with me.  It was in the backseat and had my change of clothes in it.  I frantically dug through it, and behold!  I hadn't lost my mind after all!  My Valium was right there.  At that very moment, the nurse came back on the line and said they had an extra pill for me.  I apologized profusely and said I had just found my Valium in my other bag so I was good to go.

I hung up the phone, DH merged back into traffic, and I took my pill.  Whew!  Only 15 minutes late taking my Valium - that wasn't so bad.  Although, I think DH was a little worse for the wear - and probably rolled his eyes at me many times.  In my defense, he should be used to this by now.  I constantly think I've forgotten something when I really haven't - although, sometimes I really have.  ; )  And then I guzzled about 24 oz. of water so I would have the required full bladder for the transfer.

We arrived at our clinic about five minutes early and the front desk staff person informed us transfers were running a little behind schedule.  Um, what??  Enter thoughts of:  "Gah!  We could have turned around to get my Valium at home!"   Then, "Oh wait, I didn't actually forget it at home and I already took it.  Ha ha!  Silly me.  It's a big day, of course my mind is all over the place!  And I'm on drugs.  Don't judge me.  Wait, no one's judging me, I'm only thinking this and not saying it out loud."  And then we took our seats in the waiting room.

I checked Facebook on my phone and DH observed a woman pushing a stroller outside that was big enough to hold six kids but only had five in it.  He chatted to me about how the lady pushing the stroller must have been a patient at our clinic.  When they moved into my line of sight, I noticed it was one of those strollers that a lot of day care providers use for taking small children on outings.  I was pretty sure DH breathed a sigh of relief after that.

After about 15 minutes, a nurse called us back to our patient room.  She gave her short speech, then we changed into our hospital-issued attire:  scrubs for DH and the fabulous gown that opens in the back for me.  Oh, and a robe to help keep me warm, so the nurse said.  I also brought some fun knee high socks to wear this time.  They had alternating hot pink and black stripes.  I bought them at the 2010 Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure.  So yes, they said "The 3-Day" on them and had pink ribbons.  I thought it was a nice way to have my mom with me on this big day.  Our nurse said she walked in one of the 3-Day events so we had a little bonding moment.

The RE who would be doing our transfer entered our room a few minutes later.  We had Dr. K again (he did our last fresh transfer also but is not our regular RE).  The REs at our clinic are on a rotating schedule so there's no guarantee that our RE will be the one to do any of our transfers.  Dr. K gave his speech, showed us our embryos, and answered our questions.  We were transferring two embryos, and after the morning's thaw, the first two survived.  Yay!  They were frozen as Level 2 blasts in July; one thawed as a Level 2 blast and the other thawed as a Level 3 blast.  Dr. K said the Level 3 was still a high enough quality embryo to transfer, it just didn't rehydrate quite as well as the other embryo and Level 3's produce viable pregnancies all the time.  I was worried about the Level 3 being strong enough but Dr. K's explanation made me feel (a little) better.

So here they are!  :D

As you can see, the top embryo (Level 2 blast) is more hydrated than the bottom embryo (Level 3 blast).

Just after Dr. K left the patient prep room, our nurse came back to walk us to the transfer room.  I situated myself in the stirrups, another nurse brought me a warm blanket, and the u/s tech checked my bladder right away.  I wasn't nearly as uncomfortable as I was for our fresh transfer but she still had me go to the restroom and empty two cups worth.

I dutifully did as I was told, walked back to the transfer room, and re-situated myself in the stirrups.  The u/s tech confirmed my bladder was good and then the party started.  DH held my hand as Dr. K talked us through each step of the process:  inserting the speculum, cleaning my cervix (which didn't hurt at all - I've read on other blogs that some women experience pain with this), performing the trial transfer (all was good), and then the real transfer.  The real transfer didn't go as smoothly as it did for my fresh transfer or for the mock transfer seconds earlier.  The catheter kept getting "stuck" and would not move far enough into my uterus.  Fortunately, it didn't hurt and after some expert maneuvering by Dr. K, it was in place and our embryos were deposited.  The u/s tech froze the image and printed off a photo for us.

The photo is a little blurry, but here it is!

Green arrow indicating the fluid-filled sac that contains our two embryos.

After the transfer, the medical staff left DH and I alone in the room for 10 minutes.  This was primarily so I didn't stand up too soon after the procedure, but I loved the alone time with my hubby after our first fresh cycle and I loved the alone time again after this frozen cycle.  It was just a great bonding moment for us both times.

The 10 minutes were up before I knew it.  I actually asked the nurse if it had really been 10 minutes already because it felt like it shouldn't have been over yet.  She confessed it had only been nine minutes but I didn't worry (too much) about that extra minute.  She walked us back to the recovery room where I relaxed for another 30 minutes on a bed with one of those "blankets" that are attached to a machine that pumps warm air into the blanket.  It was lovely.  I might have even dozed off for a few minutes while DH scheduled my blood draw appointment for my beta (October 8th at 9 am).

Soon enough, I said good-bye to the fancy hospital gown and robe and changed into my comfy lounge wear for the ride home.  The nurse suggested I watch a funny movie or something when I got home.  She said "that's what they say to do."  Whoever "they" is, I hope "they" are right.

DH had a meeting at 2:30 that afternoon so he had to go back to work after our appointment.  Our time at the clinic took longer than we remembered from the last time, so he was in jeopardy of being late for his meeting and drove like a mad man on the way home.  I relaxed as best I could, which wasn't too difficult since I was exhausted from staying up late the night before, and we made it home with just enough time for me to hit the couch while DH warmed up some spaghetti for me in the microwave.  We were both really hungry by then but DH didn't have time to eat before leaving for his meeting.  I appreciated so much that he took the time to make my lunch for me and risk being late for his meeting.  He is so wonderful to me.  <3

I watched a little TV (mostly 90s comedy sitcoms) and drifted in and out of sleep the rest of the afternoon, only getting up to use the restroom.  When DH returned home that evening, he relayed the story to me how his meeting didn't actually happen until 3:45.  Someone had a client issue to resolve (or something) that caused the meeting to be pushed back.  *Sigh*  We wouldn't have had to rush home after all and DH could have had a proper lunch.  Oh well, there was no way we could have known that in advance.

So now my 48 hours of bed rest are over and I'm obsessing about every cramp or potential symptom.  I didn't obsess last time; I don't know why I'm doing it this time other than that one word...hope.  I have so much more hope for this cycle.  I pray to God just about every minute of every day that our two embryos are growing strong and have implanted and that this is it for us!

Sorry for the long post, but I just had to get it all out.  If you stayed with me all the way to the end, thank you!  And if you prayed or are praying for us, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!  I believe so much in the power of prayer.

FET #1 - the day before

Note to readers:  I'm publishing this post in two parts so it doesn't get too long to read all at once.

I received the call from my RE's office with the plan for Thursday's FET while I was at work Wednesday morning.  I hadn't even been thinking about the phone call when I heard my cell phone vibrating.  I checked to see who it was and my heart skipped a beat.

I work in the basement of a five story office building so reception is not good.  My usual spot for taking private phone calls, a conference room near my desk, was occupied.  For some reason, I get good reception in this one particular conference room but I get nothing in the conference rooms to either side.  So I asked the embryologist to hold for a second and made a mad dash up four flights of stairs to go outside.  I apologized and gave her a brief explanation.  She said it wasn't a problem and proceeded to give me my instructions.

My appointment time was scheduled for noon on Thursday, September 27th.  I was to drink 24 - 32 oz of liquid from 10:45 - 11:15 am and take my Valium at 11 am.  My hubby and I were to arrive for our appointment by 11:30 am.   The embryologist also confirmed that we wanted to transfer two embryos.  I said that was correct.  She explained each embryo is stored in its own "straw" so they will start by thawing one embryo and wait to see if it survives the thaw before moving onto the next embryo.  If one or more embryos don't survive the thaw, they would make their way to the next embryo, and so on.  We had eight frozen embryos; I kept hoping and praying the first two survived and were super-hero strong.

The rest of my day seemed to fly by.  I had one last acupuncture appointment after work, which I wrote about in my last post, then I went home.  I planned to go to the gym after my acupuncture but by the time I got home from my appointment, I was too hungry.  So I had dinner, watched a little TV with DH, and waited and waited and waited for him to be done with the computer so I could update my blog.  By the time he was done, it was after 9 pm already.  So I ended up staying up late to get my post written and published.

I didn't sleep well that night; I think I was too excited and anxious for the next day.  I had also planned to work from home in the morning before our appointment but DH didn't bring his computer home Wednesday after work.  In order for us to ride together to and from our transfer, I had to go into work Thursday morning - we work in the same building so carpooling is easy.

Stay tuned for details about the big day - our frozen embryo TRANSFER DAY!  : )

leading up to the big day

Well, tomorrow is the big day.  I can't believe it's here...I would say "I can't believe it's here already," but it sure took long enough to get here - a whole month and a half from our last fresh cycle, which is equivalent to forever in the IF world.  To prepare, I started taking my PIO shots as prescribed and had acupuncture on Monday and again tonight after work.

I started my PIO shot Saturday night.  And it was a fun one!  Really, it was - I'm not being sarcastic.  My RE's office said I could take the shot any time, day or night, as long as it was taken at the same time every day.  So I decided evenings were best.  There was no way I was going to wake up any earlier in the morning than I had to in order to take a shot with a needle that size.  Talk about a rude awakening.

My hubby just happened to be visiting his parents one hour away the evening of my first shot.  And my girlfriend, CA, just happened to plan a girl's night out that same night.  So my two girlfriends and I were getting ready at my house for a night on the town when I broke it to them:  as I was gathering my drugs, I asked how they felt about needles.  Neither of my lady friends said they had any problems with needles so it was left to CA to give me my shot.  In my tushie.  And the one inch needle had to go all the way into my muscle.  I wish I could say that it didn't require a one inch needle to reach the muscle in my tushie but after gaining weight from the fertility treatments, I'm not surprised.  At least my doctor's office downsized me from the one and a half inch needle from my fresh cycle.

So I showed CA the goods (my butt), and she just went for it.  I'm quite certain I would not have been able to give her a shot in her tushie if our roles were reversed.  I admit it, I'm wimpy like that.  And she is one brave (and fabulous) friend!

I have to say I was pretty nervous for the shot.  Not that CA was giving it to me but that the needle was so huge!  It made my heart race just looking at it.  But now it's been a few days - one shot per day makes five shots already - and I'm used to the giant needle.  And I think my hubby is too.  I'm not so sure I should be happy about being used to a shot like that.

Unfortunately, one of the side effects from the PIO was unavoidable:  I do have the infamous "lumpy butt."  I've used a heating pad after the last four shots to try to avoid lumpy butt but it's still there.  I'm hoping the heating pad has at least lessened the severity of said lumpy butt.  Although, it's not like you can see that my tushie is lumpy just by looking at it.  It's more that it feels lumpy because it's like there is an area under my skin that feels firmer than the rest.  Hmmm...maybe I should spread out the injections so my entire rear end feels that way.  Then I can say I'm just very muscular from working out.  ; )

Anyway, onto my acupuncture appointments.  I took a break from acupuncture after my last failed cycle but I couldn't wait to get back into it this week.  I was so relaxed during my first appointment on Monday that I almost fell asleep. I was actually on the verge of sleep when a needle fell out of my head and crash landed by my ear. In my relaxed state, it made me jump. I also noticed that the regular pregnant nurse was out of the office. She must have had her baby. Her replacement was very friendly and very non-pregnant.

In addition to the pain points (on my hands) and the many fertility points (stomach, legs, feet, etc) that he always does, my chiropractor added several points for my allergies (on my face and head).  He did the allergy points because my RE's office recommended I not take any medication other than my prenatal vitamins and fertility meds that they prescribed.  So I've been in allergy misery.  Plus, the treatment is covered by insurance if it's for something other than fertility.  And I'm completely amazed at how well it's worked for my allergies!  I've been breathing so much better and sneezing a lot less since Monday.  Hopefully, I'll have great results with the fertility aspect as well.

My acupuncture appointment this evening wasn't quite as relaxing as it was on Monday.  For one, I'm super anxious, excited, and scared all at the same time for our transfer tomorrow.  And for two, the medical staff was having a very loud conversation in the hallway outside my patient room.  Oh well.  I didn't let it get to me (too much).

While chatting with my chiropractor during Monday's appointment, he said something that reminded me to ask about the kelp minerals that he recommended for me way back in July to help with fertility. If you recall from a previous post, I went to Whole Foods one evening to pick up some kelp minerals and as I was walking to the register to pay, I read the label. It said something about how it may contain cancer causing agents and may be harmful to the reproductive system. I promptly returned it to the shelf and walked out empty handed.

I mentioned the label warning to my chiro and he was very surprised. He said he takes kelp supplements himself and had not noticed anything on the label about that; he was going to go home and check the bottle he has. In the mean time, he recommended I take a multi-mineral instead. So I stopped at Whole Foods again tonight, read the label on the multi-mineral (it was clear of any scary warnings), and made my purchase. I also picked up some more flax seed (coarsely ground this time instead of whole) since I ran out of that last week.  I've come to really like it in my morning yogurt.

And now I'm going to publish this and go to bed; I'm completely worn out.  But not before asking for your prayers.  Please pray for us that we have strong embryos that survive tomorrow's thaw and that they thrive in their new home - me!

baseline u/s and blood draw #2 for FET #1

Friday was my second and last baseline and E2 check for this cycle.  The nurse measured the thickness of my uterus (9 mm - right on track) and checked to make sure my follicles were still quiet (they were).  My doctor's office never calls with my E2 results, which I'm thankful for - it's one less thing for me to worry about.  But they always remind me that they will call if my levels are off and I need a change in my protocol.  So no news is good news, and Friday was a no news day.

My blood draw was good again this time too; I barely felt a thing.  I normally rotate which arm the tech takes blood from but I was a little nervous about switching to the other arm today because it went so well in my other arm (right arm) last time.  I had irrational thoughts of "maybe the tech is better at drawing blood from my right arm and that's why it didn't hurt last time" and "maybe it had something to do with my arm; maybe my left arm can't handle the pain as well."  Like I said, completely irrational because, obviously, I've had blood drawn many times from both arms and it really hurt a lot in both arms - with this tech anyway.

I sucked it up and gave her my left arm.  It didn't hurt and I didn't gush blood!  Whew!  Then I was curious why, all of a sudden, after weeks of painful blood draws, the last two have been fine.  Before we started this cycle, I talked to our RE about how painful the blood draws have been for me and he said he'd say something at the next staff meeting.  He also suggested I try a topical numbing agent (which I haven't done).  So when this blood draw didn't hurt, I wondered if the tech used something to numb my arm herself.  I didn't ask because it wasn't that big of a deal to me - just as long as it doesn't hurt, I don't care how it's accomplished.

Before leaving my appointment, the nurse gave me my instructions for my meds for the next seven days.  Once per day, I am to take 1 cc of PIO at the same time every day (starting yesterday).  I will also start taking Doxycyclene twice per day at the same time every day (starting Monday).  By Monday, I will be up to four different pills (including my prenatal vitamin) and one shot per day.

My FET is scheduled for Thursday but I don't have an appointment time yet.  My RE's office will call with instructions for my FET on Wednesday.  The nurse did tell me I am to arrive at the clinic 30 minutes before my appointment, to take my Valium one hour before my appointment, and to drink about 24 oz of water one hour before my appointment.  I think I will go a little easier on the water this time since my bladder was uncomfortably full before my last fresh transfer.  Also, the nurse didn't mention it, but I assume I will be on bed rest again for 48 hours after my transfer.  I've made a mental note to ask about this if my RE's office doesn't bring it up before Thursday.

I am cautiously excited and optimistic for this cycle.  I'm almost afraid to write that statement for fear of jinxing myself but I feel much more calm and relaxed this time.  No matter what happens, I know God has a plan for me and is right here with me providing comfort and easing my anxieties.

FET #1 side effects...so far

Wow, where did the week go!  I can't believe it's been eight days since my last post.  There really hasn't been much happening with this FET cycle, especially in comparison with my last (fresh) cycle.  My next appointment with my RE is on Friday so until then, I'm still taking Lupron once a day, Estrace twice a day, and baby aspirin once a day (and of course prenatal vitamins once a day).

I'm down to 5 units of Lupron instead of 20 units, which makes the shot taking much easier and my stomach less bruised.  Also, I have not experienced as many hot flashes or as much constipation as I had with our fresh cycle (I know you love hearing about that!).  However, I have been moody...and I've been having, oh how to put this delicately for my readers who know me IRL, dryness in my lady parts.  Not.  Fun.  At.  All.  I imagine it's similar to what all women experience in menopause.  Actually, I know it's the same since I was forced into temporary menopause from my meds after my surgery for endometriosis.

But enough of that fun topic; back to my mood swings.  I feel crabby for no reason at all, and unfortunately, DH has been the receiver more than a few times.  Thankfully, he is the most calm and patient person I know so he hasn't let it affect him, at least not that I know of.  But my crabbiness from the fertility meds is nothing compared to the crabbiness I experience with PMS.  So maybe this is more like a break for DH.  ; )

I've also been really tired the past five days or so.  I fell asleep twice on the couch this week while watching TV with DH...actually three times if you count yesterday after my aunt's funeral and before dinner for my hubby's birthday.  This is very unusual for me.  I'm normally more active in the evenings after work with going to the gym or reading blogs or writing in my own blog or taking care of things around the house or getting together with my girlfriend CA, etc., etc.  And this has definitely not helped in the weight department.  I'm afraid to step on the scale and all of my pants are fitting much tighter than they used to; some of them I don't even wear anymore because of how poorly they fit now.  I'm hoping this side effect is only temporary, that is, unless I have a successful FET at the end of this month!  Then I will welcome the weight gain - well, as much as one can welcome weight gain!

So in a couple days, I will increase my Estrace to three times per day.  Then at my doctor appointment on Friday, I will find out my schedule for the Progesterone in Oil shots.  I've read a lot of good tips on other blogs about how to make this shot easier to take, like using a heating pad on my backside before and after the shot to help avoid what's known as "lumpy butt."  Can't wait for that!  Ok, maybe not.  And hopefully, the sleepiness and weight gain won't get worse as I increase my meds...

baseline u/s and blood draw #1 for FET #1, and a funny story at the end

I had my baseline u/s and blood draw this morning at 8:15 am.  I tried to get an earlier appointment but those slots were already filled.  Since I actually have a boss who doesn't micro manage and does use her brain, it wasn't a big deal that I came into work a bit later than usual.  She has been so supportive and understanding of my appointments (yes, I told my boss that my hubby and I are doing IVF but only because so many of my appointments are during normal work hours) that it's been a huge relief for me and one less thing that I have to worry about.

My u/s was normal.  The tech checked the thickness of my uterine wall and looked for any follicle growth; she reported her findings to the nurse in the room.  My ovaries were quiet and my uterus was measuring 3.5 (I'm not sure what the unit of measure is, mm maybe?).  As a reference for my lovely readers, my uterus reached a maximum thickness of 11 (mm?) for my fresh IVF cycle in July, so 3.5 is a good baseline for a frozen cycle.

After my u/s, I was sent to have my blood drawn.  Yay (not).  As you may recall, I've had a lot of trouble with the tech who draws my blood, or rather, stabs me to draw my blood.  Well, at our last consultation with our RE, I mentioned how much it hurts and how much my arm bleeds when the tech does my blood draw.  Our RE said he didn't have a good answer for that but would bring it up at their next staff meeting.  He must have gotten the point across because I barely felt a thing when the tech pricked my arm with the needle today.  I couldn't believe it!  Here I was bracing myself and preparing for the worst, and then nothing but a big sigh of relief!  I even told the tech she did a great job and that I barely felt a thing.  And there was no blood gushing from my arm afterwards either.  :D

The rest of my day was rather boring.  Work, work, went out for lunch with my coworkers to a rather fancy restaurant, then work some more.  But after work, I went home and found DH in the back yard digging up the tree stump from the tree he had just cut down (it was dying and dwarfed by another giant tree next to it).  I went outside to see him and debated about volunteering to help...eventually I caved and said I could shovel the dirt while he swung the ax.

I should have known this would end in disaster.  We found buried garbage under and around the tree stump - lots of rusty, crumbling tin cans, empty tubes of Vaseline, glass bottles, tin foil, and lots of other unidentifiable objects.  I'm guessing they had been buried there since our house was built in 1995, so most of it was pretty well decomposed.

I joked to DH that I was going to find a buried treasure under all that trash.  Then I saw it.  It looked like the opening to a glass bottle so I tried to gently dig around it so as to not break it.  I bent down to grab the bottle after I had removed enough soil to loosen it...and that's when it happened.  Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiipppppp!!  That's right.  I split my pants!  Not just a little, but a good 12 inches, at least!  And these were my "good / favorite" jeans!  They weren't even too tight for me; actually, they were a bit too big as I always had to wear a belt with them.  I think the fabric was just wearing out and getting thin, and I didn't realize it.  I'd had them about two years.

Casualty from volunteering to help DH remove a tree stump from our backyard.

DH was just returning from grabbing a tool in the house to aid in our tree removal when my jeans ripped.  He saw me laughing hysterically and grabbing my own butt (I was trying to assess the damage and cover up the goods - my tushie and my pink underwear).  And the first thing he said to me was "What did you do, split your pants?"  Still laughing, I said "Yep, that's exactly what I did!"

I turned around to show him the damage, and to add to the hilarity of the situation, I stuck my butt out to him as I turned.  He commented about how the male neighbors were getting a good show!  Ha ha!  I told him it was a sign that I was supposed to stop helping and go inside.  We were done removing the tree stump by then anyway.  The only things left were disposing of the trash we dug up, hauling away the stump, and filling in the hole where the stump had been.  But at least I found my buried treasure!  An old glass bottle fully in tact.  It was the only piece of trash we found that wasn't falling a part from severe rust.

So that was my Friday.  Not too bad if I do say so myself.  It could have been much worse if I hadn't been able to keep my sense of humor and laugh at my butt hanging out of my jeans for all to see!  And now I have an excuse to go shopping this weekend.

CD1 of FET #1

Well, it's day 8 of Lupron for our first FET cycle.  The last few days have been uneventful cycle-wise.  Until today.  Today is CD1 and it has been a shocker.  This is the first CD1 I've had without excruciating cramping pain radiating through my body, to my finger tips and the ends of my toes since I was probably a sophomore in high school.  That would be about 17 or 18 years ago.  This is the first CD1 I've had since high school where I haven't needed to take several OTC pills (or even prescription pain meds) to try to get a handle on the pain.  I actually haven't needed to take ANY pain pills at all today!  Woo hoo!

I almost don't know what to do with myself.  CD1 and no pain pills does not add up; it's like my whole world has been thrown off balance.  No heating pad, no laying on the couch for hours drifting in and out of sleep waiting for the pain to pass, no whining to my hubby or my sisters (or anyone else for that matter), no Ben & Jerry's chocolate ice cream (although I don't see any reason why I should have to skip that last part).  I wasn't even this pain free after my surgery for endometriosis.  Huh, this must be what a normal woman experiences on the first day of her period.  Interesting. I could get used to this.

All my life (well, not literally, although it feels that way), I've had the type of pain with my period that has caused me to change how I live my life.  I've gotten used to scheduling vacations around my cycle (or just staying home if plans can't be changed), planning outings that include easy access to restrooms, and packing an unusually large number of pads to take with me any time I'm away from home (because there is no way I can use tampons with the amount of pain I'm in).  I've probably made a ton of other changes to accommodate my cycle but I've been doing them so long they are just a part of my life now and I don't even notice the changes anymore.

Occasionally, when I've told a friend or family member that I can't participate in this or that because of my cramps, I have gotten the "are you serious" or "yeah right" or "I don't believe you" look.  No one has ever actually said any of that to me (well, maybe once) but I can see it all over their faces.  (And if you are my friend / family in real life and you are reading this, no, this is not directed at you.  I have not shared this blog with anyone IRL who has given me these looks.  Unless you have given me these looks and I didn't realize it.  Then yes, this is directed at you...J/K.)  I always feel really awful when I have to tell someone I can't do this or that because of my cramps.  I feel like it's a lame excuse and I hate that I have to say it at all.  I just want my body to be normal!

So now I'm wondering what has caused the lack of pain this month, and will it happen again during my next period (which hopefully won't be for at least 9 - 10 months).  Without consulting Dr. Google, my best guess is the daily shot of Lupron, which is supposed to prevent ovulation this month, has toned down my jazzy uterus.  Hmm...how can I get my hands on some Lupron after all this crazy TTC stuff is done?  ;)

Ha ha!  Done with TTC?  Is that even possible?  It seems I will be on this road forever.  Like my own personal purgatory here on earth.

what I know for certain

One thing I know for certain is that I would make a great mom.  You know how sometimes you just know something?  Well, for me, this is one of those things.  But I also have evidence.  My evidence?  I worked with kids through my city's park system during and after college (I had preschool - 6th grade), I was a nanny after college (2nd - 7th graders), I volunteered as a math tutor (6th - 7th graders) through a program that was available (but is no longer available) via my current employer, I am best buddies with my 3-year old nephew, and I just spent an entire weekend doing fun, totally girly stuff with DH's two nieces (4th and 6th graders).

That last part really strengthened my argument for mommy-hood.  I always felt I was better with younger kids (like preschool age) than I was with older kids (grade school and Jr. high age).  But during a "camping" trip with DH's family at his parents' house about a week and a half ago, his youngest niece kept telling me how she wanted to go shopping with me at a particularly large mall in the area.  I started thinking that maybe this wasn't such a bad idea so on the drive home from our camping trip, I brought it up to DH that we could have his nieces stay with us the weekend after camping (which was last weekend, August 25 - 26).  He agreed it was a fun idea and later gave his brother a call to see what he and his wife thought.

Naturally, they were all in.  DH made arrangements with his brother and his wife to come down to our house Friday night (August 24) with the girls for a bonfire and hot dog and marshmallow roasting.  The parents left our house around 11 pm after watching a football game with DH (I am so NOT into football but I stuck around to socialize) and tucking the girls into their new bed for the weekend.

The next morning, DH and I woke up bright and early for the big day ahead.  I showered then helped him make breakfast (scrambled eggs and toast).  He woke the girls up while I was in the shower and he managed to spill the beans on the surprise I had planned for them that morning:  a trip to a fancy, girly hair salon for a wash and style.  Oh well, it wasn't that big of a deal.  And the girls' excitement more than made up for it.

DH's youngest niece, we'll call her A, was so excited that she didn't put up a fight when DH said she needed to shower before our big day (you know how it is, kids that age would rather play than waste their time showering).  So she got her shower out of the way before breakfast and by the time the dishes were cleaned up and everyone's teeth were brushed, it was time to go to the salon.

The entire drive there (about 20 minutes), all I heard was clapping and squealing and "I'm so excited!" and "I can't wait!"  I saw nothing but big, excited grins.  I thought they would think it was fun, but I really underestimated how much fun they thought it would be.  They smiled all through getting their hair washed, all through combing out the tangles, and especially through the blow dryer and hair brushing and hair curling.  A was pleased to hear a compliment from her hair stylist that "a lot of people would pay a lot of money to have her natural blond hair color."  I took a couple photos on my phone and texted them to DH and his brother.  His brother responded with "A let someone touch her hair?!"  Yep.  I rock.  And she loved it.

After the hair appointments, we drove to the mall.  The whole drive there (about 35 minutes), the girls talked about their hair.  DH's older niece, we'll call her R, kept saying "The boys are really going to notice me at school now with my shiny, soft hair!"  A echoed that exclamation with "I love my hair!  It's so soft and shiny!  No tangles!"  I'm pretty sure she talked about the boys noticing her too.  Both girls talked about how grown up they felt.  What a great start to our day.

We arrived at the mall and the girls were in awe looking everywhere, trying to decide where they wanted to go.  R said "I watch America's Next Design Star and I've always wanted to go to Macy's and H&M."  A was determined to make a stop at Justice, a fun, bright clothing store for young girls.  We didn't have any luck at H&M but R and A both found new sandals on clearance at Macy's.  They even paid for the shoes themselves and I could see how proud they were.  They both said their old shoes were going in the garbage and they put their new shoes on right away.  Then they made plans to tell all their friends at school that their shoes were from Macy's.

After Macy's, we went straight to Justice, where we spent most of our time.  I had planned to buy them both a new outfit for school but instead, they picked out pajamas.  R picked out a more grown up night gown (as grown up as you can get at Justice) and A picked out long pants and a t-shirt in her favorite color:  pink.  A also found a pair of fuzzy pink slippers but R didn't have any luck.  The slippers were too small for her.  We needed to go somewhere that sold adult size slippers.  I also bought them fun, bejeweled hair brushes with the initial of their first name on the back of the brush.  R commented, with much excitement, that she wouldn't have to use her dad's brush anymore!

Next was lunch.  Actually, it was past time for lunch but they were having too much fun at Justice.  We eventually stopped at a hamburger and malt shop - I had a bacon cheese burger and a chocolate shake; R had a mushroom and Swiss burger (and ended up taking all the onions off), fries, and a vanilla shake; and A had the kid's chicken tenders with a kid's vanilla shake and small fries.  I ended up eating most of their fries because they were too full from the other food.  By the time we were done with lunch, DH had met us at the mall so he finished off A's chicken fingers, my chocolate shake, and a few more fries.

The girls' next request was a stop at the American Girl store.  I'm sure DH really wanted to go there too.  ; )  A picked out a doll that looked like her and made plans to tell her parents about it for her upcoming birthday.

After the American Girl store, I had to leave for a little me time.  I had scheduled a facial for myself for that same afternoon months ago.  So DH spent the next 2+ hours with the girls at the mall while I had some pampering of my own.  They went to a candy store and bought giant lolly pops and sparkly key chains with their names, and to Build a Bear where R picked out a puppy and A picked out a bear.  They each bought some cute clothes for their new pet.

When DH, R, and A finished at the mall, they gave me a call to let me know they were on their way home.  I was glad they called because I had stopped at a beauty supply store after my facial to pick up a few more surprises for the girls:  portable compact hair brushes with mirrors for their school backpacks/lockers, nail clippers, nail files, nail polish, nail brushes, flavored lip gloss, shampoo and conditioner, vanilla cake scented body wash and lotion, scrubbers for their body wash, and small plastic tote bags (one had yellow and blue butterflies and the other had pink and purple flowers) for them to carry their loot.

I arrived home before DH and the girls so I put their new surprises on their bed and waited for them to find their goodies.  When they returned from renting a couple movies with DH and found their bags on their bed, they were so excited!  R said "I have a nail clipper of my own!"  Who knew one could get so excited about a nail clipper, but I loved hearing their responses.  They had a little show and tell for DH with their new bath kits, and for me with their Build a Bear purchases.  We made pizza and watched movies the rest of the night.  And of course the girls had to wear their new pjs!  After movie #2 was over and teeth were brushed, we all said goodnight.

Sunday morning, the girls woke up just as DH and I were making pancakes from scratch for breakfast (blueberry and chocolate chip - but not together in the same pancake, although that might be worth a try!).  Then the girls had their showers and I showed them how to clip and file their fingernails.  They had the best time.  I never would have guessed how much fun they would have learning to clip and file their nails!  I had my shower before we moved onto their toes.  When I helped them clip and file their toes, they loved that too.  R asked me "How often should I clip my nails?  How do I know when I need a new nail file?"  This was too much girl stuff for DH so he went outside to do some man work.

Unfortunately, we ran out of time and were not able to get to the nail painting part before R's and A's parents came to pick them up.  Maybe next time.  As they said goodbye, the girls told me and DH thank you about a thousand times and gave us about a thousand more hugs.  Oh, they even picked up a thank you card for me when they were at the mall with DH.  So sweet.  : )

Overall, the weekend went far better than I expected!  I had so much fun just seeing how excited the girls were to do these things with me (and with DH).  I'm confident that this was a weekend that they won't soon forget.  Hmm...maybe we can make this a regular thing and do it again next year before school starts.  I have a feeling R and A wouldn't object.  ; )

So this I know for certain:  I would make a good mom.  And DH would make a good dad.  You can't argue with the evidence!

my rant about meds, pharmacies, and pharmaceutical companies

I haven't been feeling very bloggy lately, probably because there hasn't been much happening on the fertility front.  I'm just sitting here waiting for my next round of meds to arrive via UPS so I can start taking them next week...and I'm definitely looking forward to the end of my pack of BCPs on September 1st.

It's hard to believe I start my injections next week already.  Bring on the bruised, sore, and swollen abs and fat pants (oh wait, I just got my fat pants back from the tailor - I had them taken in - maybe this wasn't such a good idea).  But this time I'm armed with the information that Lupron causes serious constipation, so hopefully the swollen, full feeling won't be as bad and it won't hurt to walk, stand, sit, or basically make any movement whatsoever.  And I'm prepared with my weapon of choice:  Colace.  I have a new favorite OTC drug.

So I ordered some of my medication yesterday for my first FET cycle, and I ordered the rest of the medication today.  I would have ordered it all yesterday but the second pharmacy was closed by the time I was able to make the call.  I purchase my meds each month from two different pharmacies because I am a comparison shopper...at least when it comes to fertility medication.  Last month, it ended up saving me about $400 between the cheapest two pharmacies, and I saved thousands (literally) over the most expensive pharmacy.  Since the meds for a FET cycle are cheaper than for a fresh cycle, comparison shopping saved me about $80 this time.

My new meds should arrive this Friday even though I don't start taking them until next Wednesday (August 29th).  I generally prefer my medication to arrive two days before I am scheduled to begin taking it in case the pharmacy screws up.  This has happened to me three times now...twice when I did my IUI cycles way back during the time I prefer to erase from my memory, and once with my first fresh IVF cycle last month.  The first two times, I received an empty cooler because the pharmacy staff neglected to actually put the medication in the the package they couriered to me.  The third time, they shipped my meds a day late.  If I had asked for the meds to arrive the day I was to start taking them, I would have had big problems on my hands.  And the pharmacies would have received not-so-nice phone calls from me.

Speaking of problems with fertility meds, has anyone else noticed the price of Lupron has increased in the last month?  By almost 50%?  50%!!  Actually, considering the pharmacy where I purchased the Lupron from last month enrolled me in a program that would allow me to have the medication for FREE, the price for me went up 169%.  Yes, that means I had to pay $169 this month!  The other pharmacy that I order from quoted me a price of $130.64 last month and this month it is $254.20 (that's an increase of 48.6% in one month)!

The pharmacy staff that I spoke with about my meds said they do not set the pricing for the drugs; it comes from the pharmaceutical companies who manufacture the drug.  Big shocker there!  I am so infuriated that 1.) IVF treatment to assist someone in achieving pregnancy is NOT covered by insurance and 2.)  effing pharmaceutical companies screw patients over and reap profits by increasing the cost of a drug by 48.6% in one month!  How is that even legal?!?!  They should be sent to prison for extortion.  For real.

Time to update the numbers tab.  Again.

next steps

DH and I attended a conference yesterday with our RE and a consultation with one of the nurses to discuss our options after our first round of IVF resulted in a BFN.  We have the choice of a) starting our first FET cycle right away, b) taking some time off before continuing with FET, or c) stopping treatment altogether and cancelling our contract with ATTAIN.  It was a no-brainer for us; we chose to a) start FET right away.

The nurse instructed me to start BCPs again before our consultation yesterday so I've been taking the loathsome things for seven days now.  She actually wanted me to start the pills last Saturday, which was CD3, but I felt I needed more time to, as she put it, bleed some more.  So I started them on Sunday.  As it turns out, that was perfect timing because the plan is to take my last BCP on September 1st.  If I hadn't delayed taking them for one day, I would have had to buy another pack just for that one day since there aren't 22 active pills in a pack.  I'm so smart.  ; )  During our last cycle, the nurse told me I could delay taking the BCPs by a day or two if I felt I needed to (which I didn't) so I just took the advice for this cycle instead.

The person in charge of scheduling put us down for a one-hour conference with our RE at 9 am yesterday; we were done in 20 minutes.  He talked with us about:

• Why our last cycle didn't work when we had such a great embryo:  My uterus may have been too "jazzed up" from the meds during our last cycle and we may see success with this cycle because some embryos may prefer a more normal uterine environment as opposed to a "jazzed up" environment.  Since I will be on fewer meds this cycle, my uterus should be less jazzy.  Or there may have been a genetic issue with our embryo.  But there's no way to know that for sure without genetic testing prior to transfer, which we didn't do because there is a long waiting list and it's another $5,000 out of pocket.  But we may consider it in the future if we continue to experience failed cycles.
• How many embryos we would like to thaw for our next cycle:  I say two, DH says one.  But I wanted two last time and he wanted one and we transferred one.  So now I think it's time for two.  Our RE said we have four level 2 embryos and four level 3 embryos that are currently frozen.  He said if we want to transfer two embryos, they will start by thawing two level 2s and will know within minutes if they survived the thaw.  Then they will work their way through the remaining level 2s and onto the level 3s if necessary.  I'm praying the first two are like He-Man and She-Ra and are super strong and survive the thaw!
• Pregnancy rates based on the quality of our frozen embryos and how many we transfer:  I don't remember the specifics; the numbers weren't significant enough to change my mind about transferring one embryo vs. two.  Ooh!  But I do remember something about the twin rate being 51% if transferring two embryos, but that statistic was for a fresh cycle and not a frozen one.
• Any additional questions we had:  I asked about my uterus and if there could be a problem with embryo implantation because I begin to feel cramps EVERY month the same day I ovulate and that it continues until AF arrives.  I wanted to have a clear answer as to whether it made a difference if the cramping was in the uterus or the fallopian tubes.  The RE who did our transfer (not our regular RE) indicated that cramping on the side (in the fallopian tube area) was normal even though I had specifically asked him about cramping in the uterus.  So I wanted to clear up the confusion on my end.  Our RE said cramping in the uterus or fallopian tubes does not appear to be a factor in implantation because he's had many patients become pregnant over the years who reported the same symptoms.  He also said he can't wait to call and tell me about my positive pregnancy test and say I told you so.  I can't wait for that either.  : )

The main thing I took away from our conversation with our RE was how positive he was that this will work for us and how shocked he was that our last cycle failed.  I suppose he has to be positive in this line of work, but it still made me feel great to hear it from him, the expert.  :D

Our nurse consultation wasn't supposed to start until 10 am but since we finished talking with our RE so soon, he was able to get us into our next appointment by 9:30.  Our nurse consultation was supposed to take an hour also, but I'm not sure why - we were done in about 15 minutes, and that included speaking with the financial consultant.  I can understand the RE conference and the nurse consultation taking an hour each for a first time patient but we'd already been through a cycle so we pretty much knew what to expect.  Plus they sent us material in the mail to read before our appointments so we were well prepared.

The nurse went over my new medications and when to take them.  She faxed in my prescriptions and gave me a copy.  She also gave me a copy of our calendar and we discussed important dates.  I will start my Lupron injections (20 units) on August 29th; it will overlap for four days (like last time) with my BCPs.  I will have an estradiol check and u/s on day 10 of Lupron (September 8th).  I will also start 81 mg of baby aspirin and 2 mg (1 pill) of Estrace on September 8th, and reduce Lupron injections to 5 units.  On September 13th, I will start taking Estrace twice a day - once in the morning and once in the evening - and continue with the 5 units of Lupron.  My dose of Estrace will be increased to three pills a day - morning, lunch time, and evening - on September 17th, and that *should* also be my last dose of Lupron (still 5 units).

I will have another estradiol check on day 14 (September 21st), along with an u/s to make sure my ovaries are still "quiet."  I should not ovulate in September, the Lupron will make sure of this, since we already have embryos to transfer.  If everything goes according to plan, my frozen embryo transfer will occur on September 27th.

How will I survive that long and still manage to keep my sanity??  Oh how I wish we could fast forward to that day!

Oh, and the financial consultant printed off our records and asked us if we had received a bill in the mail yet for the cryopreservation fee (we had not).  So she gave us a copy of what would be due and said we can pay it today or wait for our bill to come in the mail.  Did I mention it was for $1,000?  Yeah.  We'll wait for the bill.  She explained the fee covered one full year of frozen embryo storage no matter how many embryos we have and that if we need storage after one year, the fee would be reduced to $276 every six months.  They did tell us about these fees up front before we even started our first cycle but it's much more of a shock when the bill is right there in front of your face.  Time to update "the numbers" tab!  : (