a revelation

I found something out at my Dr. appointment last Wednesday:  I am not allergic to anesthesia (whew!).  You may remember reading something about this in one of my previous posts.  I talked about when I went home after my laparoscopy for endometriosis, I noticed my whole body was very itchy.  I later called my Dr. who performed my surgery and asked if it was an allergic reaction to the anesthesia and she said yes.

Well, I found out on Wednesday it is highly unlikely I was itchy because of the anesthesia.  I was told by a nurse anesthetist that it is more probable that it was a reaction to a narcotic I was given either during or after my surgery.  She narrowed it down to being a side effect of morphine (which was completely ineffective at easing my pain).  Or it could have been whatever the drug was that they gave me (I can't remember the name) that was stronger than morphine that finally gave me much relief.

I am so relieved to know I am not allergic to anesthesia, even if it was only itchy skin all over my body and not something more serious.

our odds

During our very first appointment with our RE back in May, we discussed the topics that are standard in a fertility consultation:  my health history, DH's health history, the health history of our immediate families, options that are available to help us have a baby, and the associated costs of each.  It was rather uneventful...until we reached the end of our health histories (which btw, there was nothing significant other than my mother not surviving her breast cancer diagnosis).  After I had mentioned my endometriosis and laparoscopy, my previous (failed) IUI cycles with stims and clomid, and more recently, my (failed) clomid cycles with timed BD, the doctor who would become our RE said this:

'Without assisted reproductive technology of some sort, your chances of conceiving on your own are about 2% - 3% per month.'

I could have cried right then and there.  But, miraculously, I held it together.  I mean, I knew our chances were low, but I had no idea how low.  It's hard not to dwell on those numbers.  But I'm getting better.  I just keep telling myself that with your prayers, we will beat those odds.  We are already on our way as God has blessed us with supportive friends and family, a wonderful RE, and the technology to help us finally become parents.

I will not let the numbers define us!

blood draw

Just an update on the blood draw situation:  it turns out I was right!  It is the tech's technique in drawing my blood that causes me pain and more blood loss than is normal, rather than me being the problem.  I had another appointment at my RE's clinic last Sunday (good times having to go to the Dr. at 7:45 am on a Sunday!).  The regular tech must only work during the week so another tech who had not drawn my blood before was on duty for the day.  I didn't even have to ask for the butterfly needle like I now do with the other weekday tech.  This weekend tech gave me a quick prick in the crook of my elbow with the normal sized needle and drew my blood.  I barely even felt the needle stick and there was scarcely any blood loss.  No gushers like with the weekday tech!  And I told her so.  I said I hardly felt it when she pricked my arm and that it always hurts a lot and bleeds a lot when I have my blood drawn during the week.  She gave me a smile and said 'Good!', bandaged me up, and sent me on my way.  I like her; I wish she worked during the week instead!

a little help

Since my journey with IF spans almost a full 8 years, I have decided to take further action (some action is more recent than others) in the hope of improving my chances of conceiving.  I have read many articles and studies that have suggested there may be a link between the following items and IF, so here's what I'm doing to date:

• taking prenatal vitamins (actually, I have been doing this for about 8 years now - that's a lot of vitamins!)
• exercising (I have cut back within the last several months since being so busy after work and on the weekends, but also because I read that exercising too much decreases fertility.  Not that I over do it, but it just happened to work out this way since DH and I have been so busy this year.)
• flossing my teeth more (during the past few years, I've been gradually increasing the number of times per week that I floss.  I hate flossing but I read a couple articles that say women who floss more are less likely to have problems becoming pregnant.  I also read that women with larger breasts are less likely to have fertility issues but there's not much I can do about that. ; ) )
• eating flax seed with my daily morning yogurt for maybe the past 6 months (took some getting used to but it's not so bad after a few days!)
• drinking hot raspberry tea for about the last 6 months (I have to admit, this one has been a challenge...I am not fond of raspberry tea)
• no alcohol whatsoever as of June 30 (*sigh* it's especially challenging when DH has a glass of wine with dinner and I can smell how delicious it is!  But I'm hopeful that cutting it out of my diet will be completely worth it in the end.)
• no caffeine as of July 1, including decaf coffee (I accidentally drank a caffeinated tea on June 30 without realizing it)
• acupuncture and chiropractic adjustments (I've been going to the chiro off and on for adjustments since I was dropped on my back in Jr. High but my first round of acupuncture was July 18; I'm loving it so far!)
• guided imagery meditations on my iPod (tried this for the first time on July 19; it's pretty good at relaxing me)
• yoga for fertility (tried this for the first time on July 21; I have mixed feelings about it.  I'd probably like it better if it was a higher quality DVD.)
• eating the core of a pineapple during a specific time of the month (I haven't done this yet but I'm willing to try it this month.  I've read other bloggers and posters on fertility forums say this is supposed to help with embryo implantation - although I haven't read any scientific articles about the benefits yet.)
• taking kelp supplements (my chiro recommended this for me and DH so I went to the store to pick some up but the label said something about 'may contain carcinogens and reproductive toxicants' so I put it back on the shelf.  I'll have to ask my chiro about this the next time I see him.)
• praying everyday that my fertility treatments will work and that it is God's plan to bless us with a healthy child (or two!)

Hmm...that's all I can think of right now.  There might be a few smaller, less important things I'm leaving out but if I think of anything else, I'll update my list.  (I might look for a fertility therapist later on but I'm not doing that yet so it's not on my list.  And I think I have enough going on right now.)  If you feel like sharing, what are some things you are doing or have done to help with your fertility struggles?

yoga

Today was fertility yoga day.  I should preface this by saying I have tried yoga a few times in the past and found it to be incredibly boring.  I did not feel my pulse increase nor did I sweat; I basically felt like I didn't get any kind of workout at all from the sessions I attended in person.  In general, my muscles are pretty flexible so maybe that was my problem - maybe the sessions I attended were too easy for my level of flexibility??  I really have no idea.  That's just a guess and I'm no yoga expert.

So I was hesitant to try yoga on DVD but I talked myself into at least giving it a shot and purchased this one from the Health Journeys website.  I was disappointed in the quality of the finished product of the DVD.  It seemed sloppy and not very professional; I could definitely tell it was done on a (low) budget.  And let's not forget the cheese factor.  'It takes a village to have a baby' was one of the many gems repeated in the 50-minute video.

However, I was pleasantly surprised to find the yoga poses challenging and my heart rate increasing from time to time.  Although this could be because I haven't worked out regularly since December...just a few times a month here and there.  But that's another story.  Or it could be because of all the medication I'm on.  The meds have really hit me hard the last few days; I haven't been feeling that great.  But hopefully the yoga will help with that since I plan to give the DVD another shot.

PS - My short post this evening is due to feeling yucky today.  I've been drinking tons of water and sports drinks so I shouldn't have OHSS.  Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day.

guided imagery and dr. appointments

As recommended by one of my friends who is a psychologist and has had her own struggles with IF, I ordered two guided imagery CDs this week geared toward IF (and one IF yoga DVD that she didn't mention but that I ordered anyway from the same website).  The CDs and DVD arrived yesterday.  I wasted no time uploading the CDs onto my iPod and I plan to try out the yoga DVD this weekend when it's too hot to go outside.  I am trying as many things as possible to help us get pregnant (without over doing it); I don't want to go through another BFN and look back and say 'I could have done this or I could have done that.'

I was exhausted yesterday from having to wake up extra early and make a 6-hour round trip for DH's aunt's funeral.  Funerals are draining anyway, and I've had a really hard time with them since my mother's funeral 7 years ago.  She passed away at the age of 56 after an 11 month battle with breast cancer.  I haven't wanted to go to another funeral since - it just brings up too many sad memories (queue tears) - but there are times when it's just unavoidable.

As sad as it was that DH's aunt passed away, her health had been declining in the last month or so, so everyone had time to prepare.  She was 70.  Her husband is still living, but they never had any children so he is pretty lonely now.  She had also been in the US Air Force; it was quite a moving funeral with all of the tributes paid to her by her fellow women and men in arms.  But I couldn't help but wonder why they never had any children.  Did she struggle with IF like me?

Anyway, after being so exhausted, I got ready for bed around 9:30 pm and brought my iPod with me so I could try out this whole guided imagery thing.  It was wonderful!  I have listened to it two days in a row now (different tracks each day) and I feel so relaxed.  My main source of stress is my job, barely beating out our IF treatments, so I'll try anything to help me relax.  It'll take some practice for me to get into the visualization part of the CDs, but just listening to the calming music and soothing voices was all it took.  I wasn't awake but I wasn't asleep as I listened; the best way I can describe it is that I must have been in some kind of zen-like meditative state.  I never thought I'd be the type of person to meditate and really get into it but I loved it.  : )

I'll let you know how the yoga goes this weekend - that is if my giant growing follicles let me do any kind of exercising.  If you are interested in the CDs or DVD, they can be found here on the Health Journeys website.  I ordered the Fertility Pack, which includes Help with Fertility, Meditations for a Fertile Soul, and Fertility Yoga.  It took about 3 days for it to arrive at my home address via standard shipping.

Oh, and btw, I had another Dr. appointment this morning.  Thankfully, I was not hit on in the elevator today but I did see another female inmate being escorted into the hospital.  This must be the hospital that the prison uses.  It's not a big deal, it was just surprising to see in everyday life.

Also, I asked my nurse if there was anyone else available to do my blood draw today.  I explained how much it has hurt and how much my arm has bled each time the tech has drawn my blood.  I was proud of myself for speaking up.  The nurse spoke with the tech and the tech used a smaller 'butterfly' needle instead of whatever she was using.  It did hurt but not as bad and it only bled a little.  I still think it's her technique rather than me being a whimp since I've never had consistent pain and bleeding in my arm after a blood draw.  Once in a while, yes, it has happened.  But not 5 times in a row.

I had my second acupuncture treatment today too.  My chiropractor added a few more needles on my legs and left off the two on my neck so I ended up with about 20 pokes again.  I had the same pregnant nurse but it was less awkward (at least for me).  My chiro also recommended DH and I take kelp minerals to help with IF so I stopped by the Whole Foods Market across the street from my chiro's office to pick some up.  I was about to go to the register to pay when I read the label on the bottle; it said something about how it may contain 'carcinogens and reproductive toxicants.'  I put it back on the shelf and walked out.  Maybe there is a brand out there that doesn't have this risk; I'll have to ask my chiro about it when I go back again on Monday.  If not, I won't be taking kelp any time soon.

there's a first time for everything

Today was a day of firsts.  It was my first time seeing a female inmate escorted into the hospital in chains, it was my first time being hit on in the elevator at my fertility clinic, and it was my first time trying out this whole acupuncture thing.  Yes, you read that correctly.  I was actually hit on.  In the elevator.  At my fertility clinic.

I had an appointment this morning at my fertility clinic, which happens to be in the same building where other patients are treated for other non-fertility related problems.  As I parked my car in the ramp, I noticed two people (not sure if they were medical staff or prison guards) escorting a woman inside who was wearing grey sweatpants and a grey sweatshirt...and chains around her legs and arms.  'Well, that's an intersting start to my day!  Probably an interesting start for her too.'

During my Dr. appointment, I had the standard estradiol blood draw.  The lab tech I've had at each of my appointments has been terrible.  She's a nice enough person but it's more like she is stabbing my arm rather than pricking it, and it's the most painful needle 'prick' I've ever had out of all the blood draws I've ever had.  And believe me, I've had a lot of blood draws in my life.

Unfortunately, today was (almost) no different - STAB arm, draw blood, bandage arm, done with appointment, leave Dr.'s office, head to car - except for the 'head to car' part.  That was different.  As I was taking the elevator down to the first level where my car was parked, I noticed my bandage was soaked through with blood.  In like two minutes.  I couldn't stop the elevator in time so it went all the way down to the first floor.  I didn't get out but instead pushed the button to head back up to the fourth floor to ask for a fresh bandage (and show the tech what a miserable job she did).

When the elevator doors opened on the first floor, a man walked in to take it up to the second floor.  'Really?  You can't walk up one flight of stairs?'  Apparently not.  Completely unprompted, he proceeded to tell me his name (Will) and that he had been in a car accident and was there to see a doctor about his 'injuries.'  He then asked me if I had ever been in a car accident.  I said yes but that I only had whiplash from it.  Then he asked me how much money I got from the accident.  'Um, what?  I didn't sue anyone, and it's been over 10 years.'  He seemed disappointed by my answer, but kept talking anyway.  In my head I was saying 'OMG, get me off this elevator!'  He then told me what great shape I am in and that I must have been like 13 when I was in my car accident.  'Yeah, that's right, I was driving when I was 13 and now I'm only 23.'  At this point I was doing my best to flash my wedding ring at him.  He either didn't care or was too busy talking to notice.

The slow-as-molasses elevator finally stopped on his floor and he continued talking until the doors shut.  But he did manage to squeeze in 'Do you work here?  Can I get your number?'  I know he saw the bandage on my arm and yet he's asking me if I work here??  Yeah.  I pretended not to hear him as the elevator door closed on his humorous attempt to hit on me.  I laughed to myself the rest of the morning, and even more so when I told DH what had happened.  'Seriously?  He hit on me after I had just seen my doctor in my quest to make a baby?  Bwahahahahaha!!!!'

Back to the lab tech.  After Will exited the elevator, it took me to the fourth floor where the tech looked at my arm and asked 'Did you apply pressure?'  'Of course I applied pressure you nitwit!  You do this to me every time!'  Okay, so maybe I didn't say that.  As usual, I was much more polite.  'Yes, I applied pressure.'  She rebandaged me and sent me on my way.

Later in the day I had an appointment with my chiropractor, who I see regularly for adjustments, only this time it was for acupuncture.  I have never done acupuncture before, and I know the research on how it affects fertility is inconclusive, but what the heck.  My hope is that it will help us see a BFP on our next POAS test.

My appointment was rather uneventful, except for the pregnant nurse who brought me back to the room.  How ironic.  I was there for acupuncture for infertility and she knew this and here she is with her big pregnant belly adjusting the needles in my abdomen.  Surprisingly, I didn't feel any anger or resentment or anything negative toward her.  I actually got the feeling that she felt more awkward about the situation than I did because she neglected to twist about half of the needles protruding from my body (there were only about 20 total).

I return for another acupuncture treatment on Friday, so it will no longer be a first.  I have another Dr. appointment that day too; I'm hoping that being hit on in the elevator at my fertility clinic won't be a repeat occurrence (or seeing an inmate brought in wearing chains - I would be ok with not seeing that again either).

all you ever wanted to know about my uterus

Okay, so maybe you didn't exactly ask to know about my uterus, but I'm going to tell you anyway.  I wish my uterus was your normal, everyday, boring uterus.  But unfortunately, it's not.  If it were, I probably wouldn't be here writing about my struggles with infertility.

I'll start with my first HSG (hysterosalpingogram) test from 2007.  My RE at the time suggested that we begin looking into the cause of my infertility with a look at my uterus and fallopian tubes.  The purpose of the HSG test is to show if the fallopian tubes are blocked or if there are any injuries or abnormal structures in the uterus, thus preventing the egg and the sperm from meeting or the embryo from implanting on the uterine wall.  The test is performed by inserting a catheter through the cervix and into the uterus, then blowing up the balloon at the end of the tube once it is in the uterus to expand it for examination.  Dye is then administered through the catheter and x-rays are taken of the uterus and tubes as the dye passes through.  If the fallopian tubes are not blocked, the dye will move freely through them and spill out the other end where the ovaries are located (I assume the dye is later absorbed by the body).  If the tubes are blocked, the dye will not flow through the fallopian tubes to the ovaries.

I was so naive about the physical pain of infertility back then.  Thinking nothing of it, I scheduled my appointment, for my HSG test, followed all of the pre-procedure information the day of my appointment ('take 6 ibuprofen one hour before the appointment; there will probably be discomfort and cramping'), and put my uterus in the doctor's hands.  And it began.  The Dr. could not get the catheter past my cervix.  I was in so much pain that I lost track of how long she tried to get that cursed thing through (15 minutes maybe?  Maybe longer?).  'Do I have an incompetent doctor or is it me?'  I was leaning more toward it being the fault of the doctor.

The warnings about cramping were a joke.  This was not normal cramping like you get with your period.  It wasn't even normal cramping like you get with your period if you have endometriosis (which I had not yet been diagnosed with).  This was '6 ibuprofen is all you told me to take??  What is wrong with you?!  I should be anesthetized for this type of procedure!  I'm going to rip your head off when I get off this table!' type of pain.  I was crying and grasping the side of the table and trying to regulate my breathing.  'Wiggle your toes; it'll take your mind off the pain' is all the doctor would tell me.

Finally, FINALLY, she was able to get the catheter through, flush the dye, and see it spill through my tubes and past my ovaries.  Everything was clear!  Hooray!  That's one more test checked off the list and one more test that was normal (except for my stubborn cervix - or was it the doctor?).

Fast forward a few years to my laparoscopy in 2010.  My new ob/gyn performed a tubal dye study during my surgery in the hopes of avoiding another HSG test.  The tubal dye study showed normal results (except for the small, accidental puncture in my uterus that occurred during surgery) and all was good.  Until this year when she recommended I revisit the HSG test; after all, it's been 5 years since my last one and things could have changed since then.

I scheduled the appointment (again) and made sure to warn my ob/gyn of the problems the last doctor had with the catheter.  I took my ibuprofen and tried to mentally prepare myself for the ensuing pain.  Once again, the catheter would not move past my cervix.  'It's definitely me and not the doctors' I thought, frustrated. 'Why do I have to have such a stubborn cervix!'

When the pain hit, I let my doctor know, but nothing could stop the tears...or my fingers from grasping the sides of the cold, hard table for support.  She told me to wiggle my toes.  'What is with these doctors and wiggling my toes?'  She told me to cough and that it would help open up my cervix for the catheter.  'I'll try anything at this point!  Cough, cough, cough, cough, cough.'  The catheter made it through and it didn't take nearly as long as the last time!  Still quite painful though.  She pushed the dye through and the x-ray tech took pictures of my lady parts as the dye spilled through to my ovaries again.  'I knew it!  I knew they would be clear again!'  I thanked God that something worked on me.

I asked my ob/gyn if the tightness of my cervix could be the reason why I'm not able to get pregnant.  She said it's not likely and that if my cervix were water tight (meaning that even blood would not be able to leave my uterus during my period), then that would be a problem.  But since the blood does leave my body every month, then my uterus is not water tight and that is not what the issue is.

A few months later, I had an appointment with my new RE for a hysterosonogram (HSN or saline sonogram).  I asked in advance what the procedure would be like and if I needed to take ibuprofen like I did for the HSG test.  The nurse said no, that there might be mild cramping but nothing like the HSG.  She said it's a much easier test than the HSG.

I went to my appointment with a full bladder and no ibuprofen.  I couldn't remember for sure if I needed to have a full bladder so I went with one just in case.  I asked the nurse when I arrived if I needed a full bladder and she said no so I used the restroom before my appointment.  I went back to my assigned room and my RE came in to do the HSN.  And guess what!  He couldn't get the catheter past my cervix!  I know, shocking, right?

The intense pain started again.  After a few minutes he stopped the test and told me to reschedule my appointment and come back WITH A FULL BLADDER.  'Are you kidding me??  I just had a full bladder 5 minutes ago!' I said to myself.  I was much more polite when I said it out loud.  He said the nurse had informed him that I did have a full bladder a few minutes ago and he apologized.  I also asked if it was ok to take ibuprofen before the next HSN attempt and he said yes.  Needless to say (but I will say it anyway), I was pretty ticked at the nursing staff.

Two or three days later, I returned to repeat the test with a full bladder and 6 ibuprofen in my system.  My RE entered my room with a nurse and had the nurse go over my belly with a 3-D u/s instrument.  My full bladder combined with the 3-D ultrasound was just what the doctor ordered.  ; )  After a minute or two of cramping, my RE found a path through my cervix and it all seemed so easy.  'Why didn't the other doctors do this for my HSG tests??'  He looked at my uterus and noted that it is on my left side and is 'horned-shaped' rather than a typical triangle shape.  Of course it couldn't be normal.  But at least he was able to map a path through my cervix!  Hopefully any similar tests in the future will be simple now (knock on wood).

laparoscopy with fulguration and tubal dye study

I remember the day of my surgery pretty well, you know, except for the part where I was unconscious.  ; )  It was April 9, 2010 at Abbott Northwestern Hospital in Minneapolis, MN.  DH drove me to the hospital and took the day off work to be my support.  My aunt R, we'll call her, met us at the hospital for additional support as she has been through too many surgeries herself to even count.  I was nervous and excited at the same time; nervous that my Dr. wouldn't find any of the suspected endometriosis, excited to finally have some answers, and even more excited that this surgery would potentially give me a greater chance to have a child if they found what they were looking for.

We arrived at the hospital in plenty of time.  My name was called and the nurse took me back to change into a fabulous and fashionable hospital gown and bring me to my room.  A lot of doctors / anestheticians / nurses / etc. kept going in and out of my room, all at different times and all asking me the same prepratory questions.  It started to get old.  I'm not allergic to anything medically related (that I know of) so just give me the good stuff and let's get the show on the road!

They started the medication to relax me at some point, I said good bye to DH, and they wheeled me to the OR.  I kept waiting for the anesthesia to kick in and kept thinking to myself 'Do I feel any different?  Has it kicked in yet?  When is it going to kick in already?'  I felt awake and alert as the surgical staff continued to prepare the room while I was in it.  I asked questions and talked to the nurses and doctors.  I even asked one of the doctors how many people would be in the room during the surgery (I think he counted 9 people).  I was trying to get an assessment of how many people would see me naked.  I laughed at myself.  'No time for modesty now!'

I went back to thoughts of the anesthesia.  'Okaaayyy, it can kick in any time now...'  Finally, everyone was ready for surgery.  Except me.  I was still alert and awake and all the doctors and nurses were leaning over my head staring at me.  Eventually, I got tired of them staring at me so I closed my eyes, and boom, I was out.  Huh, I wasn't expecting that!

I woke up to a nurse right by my side gently shaking me about 30 minutes after the start of my surgery.  I was in a huge recovery room filled with other patients.  'What's happening?  Nooooo, let me sleep!  I'm so tired!  Oh the pain, the misery!  I need something for the pain!  Can't you give me something for the pain?!'  All these thoughts were running through my mind, and I finally found my voice to tell the nurse I was in a lot of pain.  She administered 2 doses of morphine within the specified time allowed.  Nothing.  The pain was almost unbearable.  I was crying and moaning and groaning and crying some more.  Finally, finally, she gave me some drug that she said was stronger than morphine.  And I felt relief.  And calm.  And sleepy.  But the nurse wouldn't let me sleep.  Something about needing to keep my oxygen level up and that sleeping makes it drop.  The machine next to me kept beeping annoyingly every time my O2 level dropped, which was every time I was about to fall asleep.

At some point, my Dr. stopped by to talk to me.  She said she found endometriosis, that it was "moderately severe" with "significant scarring," and that my left fallopian tube and ovary were fused behind my uterus to my colon.  She also said she couldn't laser off all the endo because some of it was on my colon and I need my colon.  (So yep, I have to continue to deal with severe cramps on my colon. Good times.)  She also told me the tubal dye study came back clear (no blocked tubes) and that she accidentally punctured my uterus with one of her instruments during my surgery but that it was so small it shouldn't prevent me from carrying a baby full term or require me to have a c-section.

After while (I have no idea how long I was in this big room), a private recovery room opened up, they wheeled me back, and I was able to see DH again.  Hooray!  And then I cried some more...probably from a combination of getting to see him, the pain medication, my grogginess from the anesthesia, and relief that my Dr. found what she was looking for.  Just in time to witness my big crocodile tears, the nurse walked in to check on me and was alarmed to see me crying.  She asked if I needed more pain medication and I said no.  She said she didn't believe me and I said I'm just so happy that they found something!  So she didn't give me any more pain medication...at least not until later when I really did need it.

The nurse gave discharge orders and a list of prescriptions to me and DH (thank goodness he was there because I was in no state to be able to remember any of the instructions) and I was taken out to the car in a wheel chair...but not before nearly vomiting in the hallway of the hospital from the movement.  'PLEASE make everything stop spinning and moving!'

It was an uneventful car ride home (read:  no vomiting), thank goodness.  When we arrived, I headed straight for the couch and then I really started to notice it.  The itchiness.  My whole body itched.  After I thought about it, I was pretty itchy in the hospital but the pain must have overshadowed it.  'Why am I so itchy?'  When I had regained some of my strength (and wits), I called my doctor and asked if it was a reaction to the anesthesia and she said yes.  Thankfully, it went away within a few days.

I recovered over the weekend and had Monday and Tueday off work.  But I was too bored and tired of laying around the house by Monday so I went to work on Tuesday and just took it easy.  I had a few follow up appointments with my doctor within the first few days and weeks after my surgery to see how I was doing and to discuss further treatment to 'zap' the remaining endo, as she put it.  So I was put on BCPs for a few months and then a shot once a month to induce 'false menopause' (or maybe it was at the same time; I can't remember).  Let me tell you how fun it was being in menopause.  Hot flashes (among other side effects) every one to two hours like clockwork, 24 hours a day for 3 months, I think it was.  I didn't sleep well the whole three months.

Finally, we were given the all clear by my Dr. to TTC on our own again.  And you know the rest.  All BFNs.  But we haven't given up hope!  We are looking forward to a new chance with our new RE and your prayers!  <3

TMI

Instead of me warning you each time I post a blog entry with TMI in it, let's just assume that everything in this blog is TMI. After all, this is infertility we're talking about. Read at your own risk. ; )

herstory (TMI alert!)

I'm always uncertain how comfortable I feel discussing my past, particularly, my first marriage and our attempt at TTC (we will call husband #1 'HX'). So for the purposes of this blog, I will not go into too much detail. But it is important for me to disclose that my history with infertility began in 2005, and not just in the last 6 months since my new husband and I have been married...so that means my eighth year of struggling with infertility will come to a close in just a few short months. Hopefully, with God's help and your prayers, I will not see a ninth year.

HX and I went through a couple years of TTC naturally before moving on to a RE. After consulting with our RE, I went through the dreaded HSG test to see if my tubes were blocked, was put on clomid with stims for multiple rounds of IUI (I lost count how many IUI cycles we went through but my best guess is 6, plus one cancelled due to OHSS). All cycles resulted in BFNs, which turned out to be a blessing in disguise since my first marriage was not meant to be.

Immediately and completely unexpectedly after my divorce, I met and fell madly in love with my new husband, DH (DH = Dear Husband; I didn't make this up, it's fertility forum language). Again, without getting into TMI, I'll just say that because of my history and DH's age (he is 9 years older than me), and after a year of living a part, I moved in with him and we decided to let nature be in control of the baby department for a couple of years.

During this time, I made a trip to Urgent Care thinking I had a UTI. The test for the UTI came back negative, but as an afterthought as she was walking out the door and I was to be on my way, the doctor looked back over her shoulder and asked if I had ever been diagnosed with endometriosis (endo). I said no but mentioned some of my issues that I've experienced month after month since I was in high school, like heavy bleeding and severe cramps.  She said based on my symptoms, it sounds like that's what I have but the only way to know for sure is to have surgery (they can't see the endo from the inside during an annual exam since it grows on the outside of the uterus - and can spread and grow on the outside of other organs in the body as well).

Armed with this new information, I went through a series of emotions: 1) complete outrage that my first RE missed this diagnosis even after discussing my symptoms with her at great length, 2) incredible relief that someone finally had an answer for me about why I was in so much pain every month and 3) relief again that my first RE missed this diagnosis because my marriage with HX did not work out. At my next annual exam a few months later with my new ob/gyn, I told her about my visit to Urgent Care. We discussed treatment options but ultimately I decided I did not want to go on BCPs to treat the pain and to wait another year to have surgery.

A year later, I was ready for the surgery. I waited so long for this day and it was all over so fast. I was waiting in miserable pain in the recovery room when my doctor stopped by to tell me she had in fact found endometriosis, that it was 'moderately severe' with 'significant scarring,' that my left fallopian tube was fused to my colon behind my uterus, and that some of the endo was growing on my colon and she couldn't laser that because 'you need your colon.' (Yes, thank you, I would definitely like to keep my colon!) Oh and that she had accidentally punctured my uterus during the surgery but it was so small that it should not affect my ability to carry a baby to term and deliver naturally without a c-section. I hope she is right!

After many months of follow up treatment for my surgery, which included inducing menopause (let me tell you how fun that was!), my ob/gyn gave us the all clear to TTC on our own. Again, no BFPs. So we discussed moving on to other options. But by this time, DH had finally popped the question and we were in full wedding planning mode. While I didn't mind having a small baby bump at our wedding, I kept telling DH I did not want to be a fat bride (aka, have a baby mountain instead of a small baby bump). So finally, I agreed to go on BCPs to treat my endo symptoms (some came back after my surgery but not as severe) during the months leading up to our wedding and to prevent me from having a mountain for a belly during our wedding. Then as it got closer to our wedding, I went off the BCPs again and we still only had BFNs.

After our honeymoon, I consulted with my ob/gyn again and she suggested repeating the dreaded HSG test and putting me on clomid with timed BD for 3 months. That's not what I was expecting based on my history but I (begrudgingly) went along with it. I repeated the HSG and it was exactly the same as the one from 5 years ago: extremely painful but my tubes were clear. After 2 months on the recommended clomid with BFNs each time, DH and I consulted with a RE (at a different specialty clinic from where I went the first time with HX). He went over our medical history, all of our options for treatment, and the associated costs. DH and I made a decision and are moving forward with the guidance of our RE. I will let you know in the next couple weeks which option we chose, whether it's the same as what my ob/gyn suggested, and how it's going.

Thank you for your support as we continue on our journey to someday bring home our bundle of joy!

why

*Finally, I decided to start a blog about my journey with infertility. This blog is from my perspective - the woman's perspective - and it is a straight-forward and honest account of what I'm going through. My husband is all things wonderful and loving and supportive and we talk about our fertility journey all the time, however I wanted to tell my story. After all, our struggles stem from female-factor infertility, not male-factor, and I cannot begin to try to put his thoughts in writing or project what he is feeling. So you will not hear as much about him. Please don't take this to mean he is not involved or does not care because that is simply not true.*

I have a number of reasons for wanting to write this blog that have been nagging me for quite some time. For one, I am just plain tired. I'm tired of the secrets surrounding infertility and what each couple must face, whether they decide to persue treatment or not. I'm tired of fighting this battle and having no one in my life who can relate to it - at least not that I am aware of and not to the extent that I have struggled in the last eight years. And I'm tired of not having an outlet for all the ups and downs I've experienced along the way.

Secondly, I want to give a voice to women's health issues. Because of my mother's death from breast cancer, I have been a passionate supporter of breast health, education, research, and fundraising. Now I am speaking up and giving a voice to the silent suffering of women who struggle with infertility. By doing this, I hope to open up conversations with others who have similar stories. I want others to know that it's ok to talk about the big, fat, white elephant in the room - INFERTILITY - and that I'm ok to talk about this. (I just don't want your pity or for you to feel sorry for me or to constantly tell me 'it will happen; just be patient and don't stress out.')

I also want this blog to serve as my journal for my experiences throughout my fertility treatments. Should God choose to bless me and my husband with our own bundle of joy, I want her/him to know how very much s/he was loved and wanted long before s/he came into this world.

I've looked for support groups, joined online forums, read about what others are going through, etc., etc., but nothing has seemed to help. My voice was still lost and I kept hearing the same discussions over and over again so I thought I'd try something new. Some of you who already know me may learn a few things about me along the way that may come as a surprise. Consider yourself warned. ; ) Your comments and questions are welome (as long as they aren't rude or offensive - in which case, they will most likely be deleted). So here goes! I hope you enjoy reading about my journey, and please, please pray that my hubby and I will be seeing a BFP on our next pregnancy test! (A fertility acronym guide is coming soon.)

love this song

The Lovin' Spoonful - Daydream

What a day for a daydream
What a day for a daydreamin' boy girl
And I'm lost in a daydream
Dreamin' 'bout my bundle of joy

And even if time ain't really on my side
It's one of those days for taking a walk outside
I'm going to dare you to take a walk in the sun
and smother my face in somebody's new mowed lawn

I've been having a sweet dream
I been dreaming since I woke up today
It's starring me and my sweet thing
'Cause she's he's the one makes me feel this way

And even if time is passing me by a lot
I couldn't care less about the duce you say I got
Tomorrow I'll pay the duce for garbage alone
a pie and a place for being asleep before dawn

And you can be sure that if you're feeling right
A daydream will last long into the night
Tomorrow at breakfast you may pick up your ears
Or you may be daydreaming for a thousand years

What a day for a daydream
Custom-made for a daydreaming boy girl
And I'm lost in a daydream
Dreaming 'bout my bundle of joy


This song was on one of the records in my mom's old LP collection. I used to listen to it all the time. I'm not really sure what that line means about the 'duce' and the 'garbage' but I thought the rest of it was fitting...I long to be a mom and I dream day after day about my bundle of joy and sharing in the adventure of parenthood with my wonderful husband. Hopefully one day soon, my daydream will come true.