last night

After E&E went to bed last night - which, let me tell you, was like WW III - I hesitantly brought up the idea to my hubby of postponing our FET. And surprise, surprise! He didn't have a strong feeling one way or the other about it. I don't know why, but I actually was a little surprised he didn't have a preference. Looking back, I should have known better. ;)

Now I feel like this is yet one more thing I just need to decide on my own and basically tell my hubby what I want to do. As I've mentioned before, this is both good and bad...good that I can do things my way but bad that we aren't actually making the decision together. Because isn't that a big part of what marriage is? Making decisions together as a unified front?

So here is a list of some of the pros and cons of postponing from my perspective (please feel free to let me know your thoughts in the comments):

(-) We will be even older...I will be well into my 38th year and my husband will be halfway through his 47th year (as opposed to if we move forward in January when I would give birth about a month before I turn 38 and just a couple weeks after my hubby turns 47).

(-) It will affect how much I am able to participate in my 20 year class reunion in 2017. I know it sounds silly to include this but it's been on my mind since my last class reunion (which was the most fun EVER) because as an infertile, I knew timing would be questionable if I was still growing my family in my later 30s. I graduated from high school in a tiny town with a tiny class of 43. We're all very close and I really want to have a good time at our next reunion and not be - for lack of a better phrase - tied down (and exhausted) with a newborn. Oh, and I currently live in a different state so it's not like it would be just an evening out. It would be at least a long weekend away. And it takes 8 - 10 hours to drive there.

(-) I'm afraid if we postpone, we will postpone permanently because we will have become comfortable or we will have come to a deeper understanding that we just can't afford it. Or that I will be ready to move forward in a few months and my hubby won't. So then we will end up going through the whole argument again.

(-) 99% of my girlfriends are already done having kids and are on their way to freedom and flexibility. Don't get me wrong, I love the infant and toddler stages and all the snuggles, and I know I will mourn it one day when it is over for good, but when I am still tied to naps and feedings, my girlfriends will have their big kids making their own big-kid decisions. And they won't have to wipe anyone's butt but their own.

(-) I really want to go on a 40th birthday trip with my girlfriends the year we all - or most of us - turn 40. And I want to not have to worry so much about my kids when I'm gone. I have trust issues with caretakers other than myself and my hubby when my kids are less than 18 months old. (I have big-kid fears too but I'm not there yet with my twins so it's less of a worry right now.) So it would be ideal for my next child to be a bit older by the time I turn 40. (I have similar thoughts for the year my hubby turns 50...which is the year after I turn 40.)

(-) If waiting until next year, it will likely be more expensive because we've already met our out of pocket deductible for this year. That is, if some of the FET monitoring is covered by insurance like I think it is. (I expect to find this out for sure at one of our appointments in December.)

(+) Then again, if postponing until next year, it will help us reach next year's out-of-pocket limit faster.

(-/+) We will inevitably get the "you're too old to be parents" comments, which I'm already dreading, especially from my hubby's family. But I suppose we will get these comments whether we postpone our FET or not. So maybe this is a more neutral point.

(+) We will (hopefully) be more financially stable by only having about a year left of daycare payments for our twins (instead of a year and a half - which doesn't sound like a big difference but when we're talking literally thousands of dollars every month on childcare, it makes a bigger impact). Plus, my hubby will be up for a promotion sometime in March...adding to our financial security (if all goes as planned...although that may be more of an argument not to postpone).

(+) I won't be pregnant, and thus huge and sick and uncomfortable and limited, when we move into our new house late next spring. It will be easier for me to help pack and move big boxes and rely less on others for help, which, let's face it, no one likes helping other people move. No one even likes helping themselves move.

(+) E&E will be bigger and easier and more helpful with a newborn around. Because they will be out of their terrible twos - fingers crossed - and closer to four years old. (FOUR YEARS OLD. I just can't imagine it.)

(+) I will have the baby of the group for my friends and family to ooh and ahh over (until the next one comes along, anyway). Who doesn't love that! ;) Although six months isn't that big of a difference when it comes to this.

(+) Our new baby could have a due date closer to E&E's birthday and my mom's birthday. Having my child's birthday on or near my mom's birthday has been a dream of mine since losing her 10 years ago to breast cancer.

At this very moment in time, I am leaning toward not postponing because I know things will be hard either way. So, really, why delay the inevitable?

But we'll see how I feel in the next five minutes...

***

In other news, we signed the paperwork last night to start building our new house! If all goes as planned, our builders should break ground in about three weeks. So. Exciting. :D (I'm trying not to think about the stressful stuff and just enjoy the process.)

random thoughts

*I would have been much more satisfied with my post from yesterday if the meme I included wasn't quite so serious, particularly because my arms aren't exactly empty, which I am thankful for every day. ...I need to learn how to create my own ecard memes, including one with a geriatric uterus. ;)

I'm feeling much more positive since coming to the above realization within minutes (maybe even seconds) of publishing my birthday post. Yesterday, I felt the meme was not as reflective of my mood as I had intended but it was all I could find in my online search. Sure, I was feeling down about another birthday and another reminder my biological clock is constantly ticking downward, but that particular ecard felt more negative than I actually felt.

*My hubby and I are in the process of finalizing our plans for building our new home. I've been so happy and excited about the reality of this that I'm pretty sure I've been in denial (or something) about how much it is really going to cost us and how thin it is going to stretch our budget. I've had some serious thoughts today about whether we can actually afford this house and another FET and another baby (hopefully) all at the same time. It scares me to admit that we really can't afford it all. So I've been mulling over the idea of postponing our FET until the spring. That would give us more time before our next baby is born (God willing) and less time paying for three kids at the same time in daycare (or with a nanny). Which would help our budget tremendously. If we were to have three kids in daycare at the same time, it would cost us around $3K a month! Who can afford that?!?! I mean, we could afford it if we didn't have other expenses like say a mortgage. But it's not exactly realistic for someone in my age group - who has had to fork out a sh!t ton of cash to have kids - to have their mortgage paid off already. (Although, to be fair, if we weren't moving and we didn't have any kids, we could easily have had it paid off this year. But I'd much rather have my kids than be mortgage free; I wouldn't trade them for anything!)

So, as much as it pains me, I'm thinking about throwing out the idea to my hubby tonight of postponing our FET. I think it will be good to at least talk about it but my fear is if we do decide to wait a few more months (like 6 months because I absolutely do not want to give birth in the winter) that it will be postponed for good. Wish me luck!

another year

Today is my birthday. The big 3-7. And another reminder of my ever-aging, empty, infertile, geriatric uterus. I tried to look for a funny / sarcastic "geriatric uterus" meme but couldn't find one. So I went with this instead...it was the only "infertility / birthday" meme that popped up in my search.

And don't forget...an empty bank account.

(Ugh, I'm not usually this down or negative in my posts. Must be hormone-related...although, I've had some mentally challenging setbacks lately too. Hopefully, I'll be feeling more positive in just a few days.)

wasted

As you may recall from my last post, I was instructed to call my RE's office on my next CD1 to start my BCPs and schedule my monitoring appointments. Well, today was CD1 - two days early, which means my cycle was only 27 days this month and I will likely get two periods in November. Yay. (Not.) Anyway, I called my RE's office around 10:15 this morning and of course I had to leave a message. But to my surprise, one of the nurses called back about an hour and a half later. In the past, I typically haven't received a returned call until the end of the day or even the next day, so this was good. Basically, the nurse told me I wasn't supposed to start my BCPs this month or come in for any monitoring appointments. Which makes sense now but it doesn't change the fact they gave me the wrong instructions less than two weeks ago. Apparently, they meant to tell me to call back with my CD1 after this CD1. :/

So this means this month is completely wasted (unless - miracle of miracles - I should actually get pregnant without medical intervention in November...yeah, not likely). I didn't even realize this was going to be a wasted month until literally just a few seconds after I hung up the phone after talking with the nurse. So I called back to double check I was given the correct information this time and to see if there was any way to squeeze me in a month ahead of schedule. And what do you know! A nurse answered on the second ring. Miracles do happen! (Maybe there's hope for me yet for a natural pregnancy!) But the answer was no, I couldn't get in any earlier. :'( The reason for this was because of the FET schedule. It was completely booked in December so I have to wait for the January schedule as planned. And now I'm just sitting here waiting for my next CD1 so we can actually get moving on our FET. This is going to be the. longest. month. ever.

Oh, and I received some pregnancy news over the weekend, too: my 26 year old cousin is due with her first baby in April (if you're trying to do the math, that means she is 11 years younger than me). I'm not going to lie...it stung. A lot. Why is it still so hard to hear pregnancy announcements even after having my beautiful twin miracle babies?? Ugh, I'm on the verge of tears even as I write this. Most days, I handle my situation and my disease well. Other days, like today, and days when I hear pregnancy announcements from expectant moms and couples, I can't help but think, with tears in my eyes, "Why did this happen to me? Why do I have to spend $30K (and counting) to have a family? Why isn't treatment for this disease covered by insurance like all the other diseases out there?" I pray every day my kids won't have to go through this.

And I wonder if it will still sting when I am 70 years old...