As previously mentioned, and per my FET booklet instructions, I started my BCPs on Wednesday, December 2 and continued taking them until Wednesday, December 23. However, on December 22 I noticed I was going to be taking my last pill so I checked and rechecked my FET booklet, manually counted the days on the calendar (more than once), and eventually gave a call to my RE's office at 2:37 in the afternoon. Naturally, I had to leave a voice message. In my message I gave specific details about my discovery and that it was ok to leave a message on my phone if I missed their return call. I asked if there had been a mistake since a pack of contraceptives only contains 21 active pills, or if I needed to take one additional pill for a total of 22 this month.
And, naturally, I missed their return call at 3:51 pm. As I anxiously checked my voice mail, I was irritated to hear the nurse did not provide any answers whatsoever to any of my questions. She just said something about how the office was closing in nine minutes and to give a call back when I was able. ARGH!!! So I called them again bright and early the next morning at 7:40...they weren't open yet and weren't accepting voice messages. Of course. I called back again at 9:24 in the morning - at my desk at work, mind you - and someone actually answered! So I had to explain the whole situation all over again. At work. Yay.
The nurse said my booklet was correct; I did indeed need to take 22 BCPs this month in order for the timing to match up for our transfer date. She even counted the days out loud on her calendar while on the phone with me just to be sure herself. After all that, plus some more explaining on my part, it still took her a moment to realize I needed another prescription of pills ASAP. Luckily, I mentioned I had a pack on hand at home from about two months ago when I thought I was going to be starting my FET cycle but didn't. I asked if the brand of pills mattered (because my brand at home was different from the brand my RE originally prescribed - things are very specific in the IVF / FET world) and she said no. She breathed an audible sigh of relief - I'm pretty sure I did too - then she went on to explain I may see some spotting or get my period after my pills were done. Spotting - ha! I almost laughed at that; I knew I would not be so lucky. I thanked her and we hung up. Whew! Crisis averted!
Wednesday, January 13, 2016
Tuesday, January 12, 2016
FET #1 cycle updates: nurse consult / financial consult...and a good cry
Our combination nurse consult / financial consult was Monday, December 14 at 1:15 pm. Hubby had a meeting downtown with his clients that wasn't scheduled to end until 1:00 pm, but didn't actually end until 1:15 pm. So we had to drive separately this time and meet at the clinic. To top things off, we had freezing rain / sleet off and on all day, which made the commute to our appointment especially fun. At least my normal route was construction-free this time.
I arrived at the clinic a little early and let the front desk know Hubby was going to be late. The very nice receptionist said she'd let the nurses know, and a few minutes later, two nurses (one in training, who looked the same age, if not slightly older than the other nurse) came to talk to me. The main nurse (the one not in training) said it was no problem Hubby was going to be late and that we could go ahead and get started or wait for him. I asked if we could wait until 1:30, and the same nurse reiterated it was no problem at all and there was no rush; she was so nice. (Thank goodness!)
I knew 1:30 would be a stretch and Hubby likely wouldn't make it by then, but I hoped it wasn't going to be much later than that. 1:30 came and went. Around 1:40, I just happened to look outside through the window of the 4th floor waiting room and saw him pull into the parking ramp entrance. What timing! I immediately let the receptionist know Hubby had arrived, and I stood near the desk to welcome him and let him know it was ok he was late. Plus, I thought the nurses were going to come out and get us right away. Yeah, that didn't happen. We waited maybe another 15 minutes before they finally called our names. I wondered if they decided to take a lunch break while they had a few extra minutes?? Either way, the only thing that mattered was we could now start our appointment.
The nurse consult was no big deal - that's probably why my memory of the details are a little foggy already. It was all fairly familiar to me anyway from three years prior. We talked about meds and a tentative timeline of everything, we went over my booklet of information that came in the mail a few weeks before, and suggestions for where to order my prescriptions. I remember asking a few questions and being proud of myself for speaking up when I was unsure about something or wanted clarification, particularly when it came to remembering how to administer the medication. Historically, I'm not one to say anything additional in my doc appointments because...well, I'm not entirely sure why...maybe I feel like my Dr. has already brought up all the important topics so the other stuff doesn't really matter?? Anyway, the nurses didn't volunteer a demonstration of how to give myself the medication (like I remembered them doing last time) so I asked for a refresher. And it all came rushing back..."oh, yeah, I remember how to do this!" I thought to myself. I was also amazed that I ever forgot.
After we all agreed there were no more questions, the nurses let the financial consultant know we were ready for her. And this is where it all went down hill... After she entered the tiny conference room, one of the first things the consultant said to us, aside from the typical greetings and pleasantries, was NONE of our cycle was covered by insurance. I kept telling her I believed her but I was still surprised that even the u/s monitoring appointments weren't covered. And she kept saying something to me like, "unless you know something I don't, your insurance doesn't cover anything related to fertility treatments. Aside from IUI." I mean seriously. I just told you I believed you and that I was sure you were right, just that the information was still surprising. And no, I don't know anything you don't know. So quit asking me if I know something you don't. All I wanted to do was express my surprise...no, shock. I don't need you digging at my wounds any further, lady. She was actually very nice, I just found it irritating that she kept repeating herself when all I wanted to do was express my surprise.
She went on to explain we could pay her today for our FET cycle (a mere $4,300.00, not counting meds), send two checks in the mail (because one agency / clinic covers the monitoring and another covers...I'm not sure what...the embryo transfer, maybe?), or remit payment at my first u/s appointment. She left the room to give Hubby and I a few minutes to talk it over, during which I reiterated to him I couldn't believe NOTHING was covered. I mean, I know nothing was covered three years ago, but I hadn't met my out of pocket max expenses for the year at that time so going into this appointment, I thought (hoped) more was going to be covered. Anyway, Hubby and I weren't sure what we were going to do so I just told the consultant we'd mail it to her. She wrote down who to make the checks out to, and we were on our way.
I was crushed. I truly didn't know if we were going to be able to proceed. We no longer had extra cash around since having our twins. My heart ached. My soul sank to the bottom of my feet. My uterus shriveled up and hid behind other organs in my body. And to top it off, Hubby and I had to drive - separately - back to work. I couldn't even talk to him properly about what I was feeling because he left first while I scheduled my next appointments (not knowing if I was actually going to be able to keep them).
I tried to keep myself collected while at the front desk booking my ultrasounds, but as soon as I got into the miserably slow elevator, the hurt and the tears and the anger began to release. It wasn't until I reached the parking ramp that I didn't care anymore who saw me or what they thought. I was full-on sobbing. I debated whether to just have a good cry and move on or call Hubby via cell phone to talk about it. What the heck. I called him. And managed to choke out some coherent sentences like "It's not fair! Why can't we have it all...with building a new home and building our family?? Why did this have to happen to us?? There are all these people out there in the world who have no problems having kids who don't deserve them! Why does it have to cost us $35,000 and counting to have our family?? I really don't know if we can do this." And so on.
Hubby didn't have much to say back to his hysterical, sad, sobbing wife but he did get out a few encouraging words, like "You know you will always regret it if we don't at least try. We will make it work. This is all you've been talking about for the past, what, year?" And I remember saying "Just because we can make it work, doesn't mean we should. We just don't have that kind of money anymore. And I don't know if we actually can make it work this time."
Basically, I gave him an out, a realistic, logical, unplanned out, and he didn't cave. I couldn't believe it. He was there for me and knew my heart. He knew what I really wanted and didn't take advantage of my weakness for an opportunity to go the other route and remain a family of four. And I love him for it. I was scared and so unsure of how we could possibly make it work, but we were going to give it a shot. Somehow.
I've always - ALWAYS - said to myself and others in my life, I would never wish infertility on anyone. Not anyone. But on this day, I had a moment of realization. Clarity. I do wish infertility on some. I wish it on politicians who vote against IVF as a covered medical expense. I'm certain if they walked a mile in my shoes on this journey, we would have policy changes over night. I wish it on those who keep having more and more children and can't (or don't) take care of them. The ones who don't know what a blessing it is to have a child. The ones who take it for granted. The ones who hurt and abuse their children. The ones who don't protect those little hearts. And, most importantly, the ones who don't love them. To not love a child is completely unfathomable to me.
This may be the most selfish admission I've ever made. But this cold, dreary December day changed me. Tears fill my eyes even as I write this. To those mothers, those parents, those so-called families who think their beautiful, unique, special, wonderful children are burdens, and to those politicians, I say to you: you deserve infertility.
I arrived at the clinic a little early and let the front desk know Hubby was going to be late. The very nice receptionist said she'd let the nurses know, and a few minutes later, two nurses (one in training, who looked the same age, if not slightly older than the other nurse) came to talk to me. The main nurse (the one not in training) said it was no problem Hubby was going to be late and that we could go ahead and get started or wait for him. I asked if we could wait until 1:30, and the same nurse reiterated it was no problem at all and there was no rush; she was so nice. (Thank goodness!)
I knew 1:30 would be a stretch and Hubby likely wouldn't make it by then, but I hoped it wasn't going to be much later than that. 1:30 came and went. Around 1:40, I just happened to look outside through the window of the 4th floor waiting room and saw him pull into the parking ramp entrance. What timing! I immediately let the receptionist know Hubby had arrived, and I stood near the desk to welcome him and let him know it was ok he was late. Plus, I thought the nurses were going to come out and get us right away. Yeah, that didn't happen. We waited maybe another 15 minutes before they finally called our names. I wondered if they decided to take a lunch break while they had a few extra minutes?? Either way, the only thing that mattered was we could now start our appointment.
The nurse consult was no big deal - that's probably why my memory of the details are a little foggy already. It was all fairly familiar to me anyway from three years prior. We talked about meds and a tentative timeline of everything, we went over my booklet of information that came in the mail a few weeks before, and suggestions for where to order my prescriptions. I remember asking a few questions and being proud of myself for speaking up when I was unsure about something or wanted clarification, particularly when it came to remembering how to administer the medication. Historically, I'm not one to say anything additional in my doc appointments because...well, I'm not entirely sure why...maybe I feel like my Dr. has already brought up all the important topics so the other stuff doesn't really matter?? Anyway, the nurses didn't volunteer a demonstration of how to give myself the medication (like I remembered them doing last time) so I asked for a refresher. And it all came rushing back..."oh, yeah, I remember how to do this!" I thought to myself. I was also amazed that I ever forgot.
After we all agreed there were no more questions, the nurses let the financial consultant know we were ready for her. And this is where it all went down hill... After she entered the tiny conference room, one of the first things the consultant said to us, aside from the typical greetings and pleasantries, was NONE of our cycle was covered by insurance. I kept telling her I believed her but I was still surprised that even the u/s monitoring appointments weren't covered. And she kept saying something to me like, "unless you know something I don't, your insurance doesn't cover anything related to fertility treatments. Aside from IUI." I mean seriously. I just told you I believed you and that I was sure you were right, just that the information was still surprising. And no, I don't know anything you don't know. So quit asking me if I know something you don't. All I wanted to do was express my surprise...no, shock. I don't need you digging at my wounds any further, lady. She was actually very nice, I just found it irritating that she kept repeating herself when all I wanted to do was express my surprise.
She went on to explain we could pay her today for our FET cycle (a mere $4,300.00, not counting meds), send two checks in the mail (because one agency / clinic covers the monitoring and another covers...I'm not sure what...the embryo transfer, maybe?), or remit payment at my first u/s appointment. She left the room to give Hubby and I a few minutes to talk it over, during which I reiterated to him I couldn't believe NOTHING was covered. I mean, I know nothing was covered three years ago, but I hadn't met my out of pocket max expenses for the year at that time so going into this appointment, I thought (hoped) more was going to be covered. Anyway, Hubby and I weren't sure what we were going to do so I just told the consultant we'd mail it to her. She wrote down who to make the checks out to, and we were on our way.
I was crushed. I truly didn't know if we were going to be able to proceed. We no longer had extra cash around since having our twins. My heart ached. My soul sank to the bottom of my feet. My uterus shriveled up and hid behind other organs in my body. And to top it off, Hubby and I had to drive - separately - back to work. I couldn't even talk to him properly about what I was feeling because he left first while I scheduled my next appointments (not knowing if I was actually going to be able to keep them).
I tried to keep myself collected while at the front desk booking my ultrasounds, but as soon as I got into the miserably slow elevator, the hurt and the tears and the anger began to release. It wasn't until I reached the parking ramp that I didn't care anymore who saw me or what they thought. I was full-on sobbing. I debated whether to just have a good cry and move on or call Hubby via cell phone to talk about it. What the heck. I called him. And managed to choke out some coherent sentences like "It's not fair! Why can't we have it all...with building a new home and building our family?? Why did this have to happen to us?? There are all these people out there in the world who have no problems having kids who don't deserve them! Why does it have to cost us $35,000 and counting to have our family?? I really don't know if we can do this." And so on.
Hubby didn't have much to say back to his hysterical, sad, sobbing wife but he did get out a few encouraging words, like "You know you will always regret it if we don't at least try. We will make it work. This is all you've been talking about for the past, what, year?" And I remember saying "Just because we can make it work, doesn't mean we should. We just don't have that kind of money anymore. And I don't know if we actually can make it work this time."
Basically, I gave him an out, a realistic, logical, unplanned out, and he didn't cave. I couldn't believe it. He was there for me and knew my heart. He knew what I really wanted and didn't take advantage of my weakness for an opportunity to go the other route and remain a family of four. And I love him for it. I was scared and so unsure of how we could possibly make it work, but we were going to give it a shot. Somehow.
I've always - ALWAYS - said to myself and others in my life, I would never wish infertility on anyone. Not anyone. But on this day, I had a moment of realization. Clarity. I do wish infertility on some. I wish it on politicians who vote against IVF as a covered medical expense. I'm certain if they walked a mile in my shoes on this journey, we would have policy changes over night. I wish it on those who keep having more and more children and can't (or don't) take care of them. The ones who don't know what a blessing it is to have a child. The ones who take it for granted. The ones who hurt and abuse their children. The ones who don't protect those little hearts. And, most importantly, the ones who don't love them. To not love a child is completely unfathomable to me.
This may be the most selfish admission I've ever made. But this cold, dreary December day changed me. Tears fill my eyes even as I write this. To those mothers, those parents, those so-called families who think their beautiful, unique, special, wonderful children are burdens, and to those politicians, I say to you: you deserve infertility.
Monday, January 11, 2016
FET #1 cycle updates: SIS / trial transfer
My SIS was scheduled for Tuesday, December 8 at 11:45 am. I called my RE's office a few days prior to get a prescription for Valium to take before my appointment. I think I called December 4; I have a record in my cell phone from that day but I can't remember what, specifically, it was for so that's my best guess...I had to get my prescription somehow so this seems like the most logical option. Anyway, the day of my appointment, I had a meeting with my boss immediately before I needed to leave so I wasn't able to take my Valium one hour before my as instructed. The best I could do was 30 minutes, or risk being high during my meeting. ;) And because of the Valium, I needed my hubby to drive me to and from my appointment, which was fine because we work in the same building.
We left at 11:15 am only to discover our normal route was closed due to construction. I was pretty confident I knew an alternate way to get to the clinic but I pulled up Google maps just in case. We had no more issues and arrived with a few minutes to spare.
Soon one of the nurses called me (and hubby) back to a room, gave me instructions to undress from the waist down, leave socks on, and wait for my doc on the table. I briefly reminded her I have a history of difficult SIS tests and that I wasn't looking forward to this one. At all. We had a quick discussion about it, which made me feel better, and before she left the room, she read in my chart my last FET was successful with B/G twins. We had a small moment of bonding as she informed us she also had B/G twins (maybe 5 years old??) with "J" names. So fun hearing other moms of multiples talk about their twins, especially the names. I love hearing what others name their kids. And I love it when the names start with the same letter, like ours (even though we didn't plan it that way). She said she felt like age 5 was a big milestone to reach where her kids became so much more independent. I'm both excited and terrified for that day to come.
Then the nurse exited (I must make a mental note of her name next time...Theresa, maybe??), gave me a few minutes to get situated, and returned with my doc - Doctor C. He asked me a few questions - to which I should have reiterated the nausea caused by my BCPs but I didn't think of it in time - including if I was in my happy place from the Valium. I told him I didn't feel any differently but maybe it was working and I didn't realize it. He thought that was likely. Then we got started.
First, the nurse inserted the vaginal ultrasound wand to get measurements of the thickness of my uterus and any follicles. My uterus was good (I forget the measurement but it was thin) and I had one follicle (on the left, I think) measuring 24 mm. No one told me directly what the measurements were; they just read them off to each other and recorded them in my file. So I asked, specifically about the second one (which, as I mentioned, turned out to be a follicle...I mean, I had an idea based on what I remember from my IVF and FET in 2012 but I wanted to be sure). Dr. C said it was probably a cyst on a follicle that didn't fully develop because I was on my first week of BCPs. I assumed if I had been instructed to start my BCPs earlier in my cycle, there likely wouldn't have been anything to measure; i.e. my one lonely follicle wouldn't have grown at all, or at least not a measurable amount.
Then we moved onto thefun painful part - the SIS and trial transfer. I'm not going to sugar coat it. It hurt like an SOB but not nearly as badly as my last failed SIS in my OB/GYN's office over the summer. As the procedure began, I took several deep breaths, especially when the catheter was threaded past my cervix and into my uterus (the trial transfer part). Then deeper breaths as they inflated the balloon and pushed water through it to get a look at the inside of my uterus, specifically checking for any abnormalities such as polyps, fibroids, or septums. Dr. C said everything looked good, and the cramping became almost unbearable as they captured the last couple ultrasound photos. Relief came as my doc removed the catheter and balloon. Not a huge amount of relief, but some was better than none. I was actually surprised how long the cramping lasted.
And my hubby was there with me the whole time. I told him before the procedure started, he could go to the waiting room if he wanted but he elected to stay with me. I was pleasantly surprised and appreciated the support through something I knew was going to be very painful. Afterwards, though, I insisted he leave the room to give me a few minutes alone to catch my breath and clean myself up. I thought for sure the cramping would have been gone by the time I was dressed but it wasn't. I even needed hubby's help walking to the car after my appointment. I eventually fell asleep on the way home and woke up as we were pulling into the driveway (about a 25 minute ride), and was mostly pain free at that point. But the Valium was in full effect so I slept most of the rest of the afternoon...until the kids came home. It was good, and I was so relieved they didn't find any more polyps or fibroids.
We left at 11:15 am only to discover our normal route was closed due to construction. I was pretty confident I knew an alternate way to get to the clinic but I pulled up Google maps just in case. We had no more issues and arrived with a few minutes to spare.
Soon one of the nurses called me (and hubby) back to a room, gave me instructions to undress from the waist down, leave socks on, and wait for my doc on the table. I briefly reminded her I have a history of difficult SIS tests and that I wasn't looking forward to this one. At all. We had a quick discussion about it, which made me feel better, and before she left the room, she read in my chart my last FET was successful with B/G twins. We had a small moment of bonding as she informed us she also had B/G twins (maybe 5 years old??) with "J" names. So fun hearing other moms of multiples talk about their twins, especially the names. I love hearing what others name their kids. And I love it when the names start with the same letter, like ours (even though we didn't plan it that way). She said she felt like age 5 was a big milestone to reach where her kids became so much more independent. I'm both excited and terrified for that day to come.
Then the nurse exited (I must make a mental note of her name next time...Theresa, maybe??), gave me a few minutes to get situated, and returned with my doc - Doctor C. He asked me a few questions - to which I should have reiterated the nausea caused by my BCPs but I didn't think of it in time - including if I was in my happy place from the Valium. I told him I didn't feel any differently but maybe it was working and I didn't realize it. He thought that was likely. Then we got started.
First, the nurse inserted the vaginal ultrasound wand to get measurements of the thickness of my uterus and any follicles. My uterus was good (I forget the measurement but it was thin) and I had one follicle (on the left, I think) measuring 24 mm. No one told me directly what the measurements were; they just read them off to each other and recorded them in my file. So I asked, specifically about the second one (which, as I mentioned, turned out to be a follicle...I mean, I had an idea based on what I remember from my IVF and FET in 2012 but I wanted to be sure). Dr. C said it was probably a cyst on a follicle that didn't fully develop because I was on my first week of BCPs. I assumed if I had been instructed to start my BCPs earlier in my cycle, there likely wouldn't have been anything to measure; i.e. my one lonely follicle wouldn't have grown at all, or at least not a measurable amount.
Then we moved onto the
And my hubby was there with me the whole time. I told him before the procedure started, he could go to the waiting room if he wanted but he elected to stay with me. I was pleasantly surprised and appreciated the support through something I knew was going to be very painful. Afterwards, though, I insisted he leave the room to give me a few minutes alone to catch my breath and clean myself up. I thought for sure the cramping would have been gone by the time I was dressed but it wasn't. I even needed hubby's help walking to the car after my appointment. I eventually fell asleep on the way home and woke up as we were pulling into the driveway (about a 25 minute ride), and was mostly pain free at that point. But the Valium was in full effect so I slept most of the rest of the afternoon...until the kids came home. It was good, and I was so relieved they didn't find any more polyps or fibroids.
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