The new plan!!

I'm sick of feeling like crap. I'm depressed and nothing is going to change this until my situation changes. And regardless of the outcome of everything, I'm going to need to do something to cheer myself up.

So why not another poll? I may as well try to have a little fun amidst all this misery, right? So if all you lovely people wouldn't mind, I'd appreciate your input. I've got a lovely poll to the right.

------->

Or you can email me at ashvlgrl at gmail dot com if you'd like.

Crap! I just remembered that my friend never brought me my spiders! Something else to look forward to! I may just have to call and remind her. :-)

It's not fair

I'm sorry for my lack of originality, but I'm going to copy and paste the email that I sent to a friend.

"My betas are not going as planned. 24 dpo (cd1) HCG-21...29 dpo HCG-90. It's going the wrong way. And it's too low to be good. I had to have more blood today for another quant. I have to go to the hospital Sunday and Tuesday for repeats. Then I have to have an ultrasound on Wednesday. The doc is worried that it's ectopic. Why can't it just be over. I don't get a baby...so it should be over, now. It's just not fair. i just don't know what to do. i feel so...lost, out of control, sad, angry"

For those of you who haven't read my past posts, these numbers follow my miscarriage last Friday at 5 weeks 4 days. This is becoming a hellacious roller coaster. And I want off.

And if it's ectopic...my biggest fear is damaging a tube.

I think my couch and I will become even closer this weekend than I previously believed possible.

Quick Poll

I was planning on scheduling an HSG this month, but due to the BFP/loss, I'm not sure now. I'd really like everyone's opinion. I know I want to wait a couple more months before we move on to anything like Clomid. It seems that I'm actually ovulating, so I think that would be redundant. But should I get the HSG, anyway? What's the chance that my tubes are blocked and one little egg managed to make it through last month?

Any advice is welcomed! There's a poll on the right hand side ------->

Thank you!

Realizations (cry for help)

Over the past few hours I've come to realize that I'm not dealing with this nearly as well as I thought. And boy does that mess with my head. I didn't realize I still possessed this ability to ignore my feelings. For some reason, I thought I had worked through this crappy coping method some years ago in therapy. Guess I was wrong!

So here's what tipped me off that I'm really just pushing this down, and not coping 1) IBS - oh yeah buddy! I got some seriously pissed off intestines right about now! I can't blame this on the food, anymore. b) I'm on the verge of tears 24-7. Yeah, I've actually been able to deny that this is related to my sadness, but today I had to admit that this is NOT related to any hormones lingering in my system ‡) I keep making really tasteless jokes at my expense and I have diarrhea of the mouth. I cannot shut up. And I have nothing to say...just blah blah blah blah to anyone who stands still too long. ¶ ) The thought of having sex repulses me. The thought of getting pregnant terrifies me. I feel as if my body has betrayed me (I'm broken) and why would my husband want to be intimate when my body kills babies. (I realize how illogical that statement is, but since I accidentally blurted it out to someone the other night, it permeates my every thought). ¼) I cannot focus for long. I have no desire to do my work or much of anything else if it involves removing my ass from my couch.

So right now I need some help. And not of the therapist variety. I really don't feel that I want to actually talk to anyone about this. I just want to move on. Ugh! So, if you have any advice, any articles/blogs/online reading you would suggest, anything that helped you...I'm open!

Again, thank you all so much for everything! I really do mean everything I've posted before this and really am as thankful for everything in my life that I do have. I'm just so mixed up right now. This sucks.

***CLARIFICATION***
When I say I don't want to "talk" I mean it literally. I have no desire to actually speak about this. I am tired of the topic escaping my lips. Blogging seems to be ok with my warped mind right now, but that's it. It irritates me that I'm even still having to deal with this. For some reason I expect others to grieve about something like this, but I feel like I should be ok with it all by now...that it shouldn't be a big deal to me anymore. Which, strangely enough, is not how I feel most people would/should react in my shoes. WTF??

Insults and events

I'm amazed how I am constantly feeling insulted right now. Even with my clinical thinking, I'm still taking things the wrong way.

• I had to have blood drawn today for my beta. That was insulting. If they had let me have a beta when I first requested one, I wouldn't have gotten so excited about a positive HPT. Now I'm having it done to verify that the pregnancy is indeed over. That's insulting.


• The cramps I had for the first few days; those were insulting.


• The fact that I'm still bleeding (I know it's only day six) is insulting.


• An innocent elderly patient asked me what Mr. W and I are waiting on to have a baby; I was insulted.

Come on! I know better on all of these! I know there is nothing truly wrong with any of these things. A few of these are medical and there is no way around them. And the elderly gentleman meant no harm! Why would he know anything about infertility?

I'm sure I'll get over this stage of my mourning, soon enough.








I start my sewing class tonight! I'm excited, but quite nervous. I used my machine for the very first time last night. My sister taught me how to thread my machine and how to sew a straight line. So at 5:00pm I will leave my job, drive to a location that I've never been to, search a campus for a building that I do not know the name of, enter a classroom full of people that I do not know, and begin an intermediate sewing class with not even a beginners knowledge. My sister was supposed to take the class with me, but now she can't. So I'm doing this alone. This is waaayyyy out of my comfort zone on so many levels, and exactly what I need right now!

I think it will be a wonderful experience for me! I'll meet new people, learn new things, and most of all, GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! Hahaha! And if I actually get the hang of this, I'm going to start making my own scrubs (with matching purses...hahahahahahahaha!). I've also got a pattern for simple togas for me and Mr. W for Halloween. And my favorite is a corner-dog-bed pattern I got. My fur-baby Megan loves to curl up behind our recliner so I've decided to make her a bed to go back there. My sweet puppy! (she's been a good thing for me the past week. i don't know if i'd be feeling this "OK" if i hadn't been able to bury my face in her fur at least once a night.)

Thanksgiving

Things I am thankful for (not in any order):

• My wonderful online world of support. You have been there, and understand. You always know just what to say. You are wonderful and I love and appreciate you!
• My family. While you may not always say the right thing, you always try. When I hurt, you cry for me. When I am happy, you laugh with me. When I fall, you help pick me up (as you chuckle) You will probably never read this, but you mean everything to me! (and Mr. W does fall into this category, too)
• My husband. Mr. W...what can I say. We have our ups and downs, but regardless, you are there for me. You are with me in this journey and when I fall, you carry me. When the blame is mine, you are willing to take it to ease my pain. Without you I would not be.
• My friends. Old friends and new friends. You are there for me. If I need a shoulder, it doesn't matter what time it is, you offer it. You accept me for who I am, faults and all. I couldn't ask for more.

I am truly blessed. I am truly thankful. Thank you.

Stupid Things People Say

Thank you to everyone who has been there for me for the past few days. It has meant more than I can express to know I'm in your thoughts and prayers. It truly has helped to not be "alone" in this. Thank you. From the bottom of my broken heart, thank you.

This is a work in progress. And please, remember I'm angry and don't have anything/one to be angry with, so I may as well take it out on the unsuspecting friends/family members that just don't get it. I know it's not their fault.

Since Friday I have realized, even more so, the difference between the IF community and the non-IF world. It's amazing some of the things that people say to you that they somehow imagine to be comforting. Here are the ones that I didn't block out completely. I'll add more as they come my way because we all know, they'll continue to come.

- "Don't go into panic mode. This doesn't mean you can't have kids. 'Cause I know so many people who started putting all this money into infertility..." I interrupted at this point and gave a very brief explanation of my knowledge of my IF.

- "At least you know you can get pregnant." Yes, Thank you. And I know I can miscarry too. Should that make me feel better, too?

- "It's probably for the best. You were so anxious!" I explained that my anxiety was due to diminishing symptoms and weak HPTs. And she only saw me anxious on the DAY I miscarried.

When will they learn that there is nothing that makes it easier. And all of their assvice doesn't help; it's actually quite upsetting. So far, the most comforting things I've heard are, "I'm sorry" and "I'm praying for you" and "I'm here for you" and variations of those sentiments.

Foolish Me

I fooled myself from the beginning on this one. I knew I wasn't that lucky. I can't even understand why I allowed myself to be fooled so easily.

My first hpt was 16dpo. It was only a very faint positive. I made myself happy with a digital positive that afternoon, it even took the full 3 minutes to show up. Two days later I had another only slightly darker faint positive on another hpt. Two days later there was a definite positive, but again, it took it's time showing up. Three days later another digital positive, it took a minute or two to show up. That was 23dpo. Who was I kidding?

Now don't get me wrong. I did everything but beg my OB/Gyn to give me a beta. In fact, my fervent pleading could have been construed as begging in some opinions. But I was not as risk, so they would not do it. I'm getting my beta now, but it's only to prove that there is no longer a baby.

Wednesday night I started some light spotting, brown. I took the digital test in the morning to calm my nerves, but it did not. I knew somewhere in my heart where this was going. By Thursday night, it seemed to have stopped. I asked my husband if he saw a phantom symptom that I wanted to see, and he said he did. I went to sleep at peace. Friday morning I woke up and when I went to the bathroom, there was blood. That bright red scary type. I cried.

I got ready for work, while crying. I went to work for an hour. When my doctor's office opened, I called and left a message for my doctor. they called me back an hour later and said she wanted to see me. I asked when and they said, "Now". I cried.

I remember calling my Mom and telling her through heavy tears, "I don't want to lose my baby." but I knew I had/was.

I was in control while I was forced to sit in the waiting room with all of those beautiful round bellies. I was one of two flat-bellied women in there. I'm pretty sure the other one was in there for her first OB appt, though. Mine would have been Oct. 4.

They got me back to the nurse quickly once they realized I was there. They did another urine test. The nurses words were, "Where is it? Oh! Boy that's faint." I cried. She held my hand while she took my blood pressure. They allowed me to sit in an empty nurses station so I could cry in peace until it was my turn for an ultrasound.

My doctor stopped by for a second to make sure that I was OK. I asked her if the faint test results, indeed meant this was definitely a miscarriage. She said she was not, "encouraged". I appreciate her honesty. I cried.

The nurse performing my transvaginal ultrasound scanned my empty uterus, which I pointed out how empty it was. She explained that they were going to scan my ovaries, I pointed out to her that she was checking to make sure it wasn't ectopic. She said something along the lines of me being educated. Wish I didn't know so much right now.

I was escorted back to my little crying area. I cried some more.

They took me back to an exam room where I had to lay on a table for about 30 minutes until the doctor could get to me. At least they got me back, but at this point I was beginning to cramp more and was pretty uncomfortable laying there "undressed from the waist down".

My doctor came in and began the exam, but due to the increasing amount of bleeding, quit. She sent the nurse back in to draw some blood. I finally get the beta I all but begged for.

When the doctor came back in, she was very nice. She didn't pretend that there was a hope that I was still pregnant. She let me know that I would have to have more blood drawn next week to see how my numbers were (duh, i know what a beta is). She tried to explain to me that this is common. That it wouldn't make it easier, that of course this was emotional. That it doesn't mean that my body did anything wrong. That there was probably something wrong with the baby or the egg and sperm didn't meet properly, but that it happens when something isn't right. She tried to tell me all sorts of things, and I told her a few of those things before she could. I mentioned how I was afriad it wasn't going as it should when my hpts weren't darkening. She commented on my education. I told her my friend calls it a "Dr. Google Medical Degree". We both laughed.

I have to go back in on Friday to see her again. She wants to make sure I'm OK emotionally. She's nice.

So I told everyone. And everyone was really nice. My mom and sister both cried. My mom told my twin brother. He cried a lot. He just went through this two weeks ago with his wife. I feel badly that he hurts over this.

I called and told DH on my way home. He cried, too. Later that night, he looked over at me, with tears in his eyes, and asked me if it was his fault. (He'd already asked me this a couple of times). He wanted to know, this time, if it was because we had sex a couple of days earlier. I told him, no. It breaks my heart to see him upset about this. It breaks my heart that this happened at all.

He wants to begin trying again as soon as possible. I'm not sure I want to. I don't know if I can do this again.

God's baby was my baby for one week. Now it's God's baby again. But it was my baby for that one wonderful week. And I can't quit crying.

Bad news

I am miscarrying.

Please pray for me

There was real blood this morning, not old. Not in copious amounts, but enough to wipe twice. I'm calling my OB/Gyn as soon as they open. Please pray for me.

Fear and Doubt *updated*

Doubt doubt doubt.....And fear. They seem to be what rule me right now. And since my OB/Gyn feels that there's no need for a beta or scan or anything until my first exam on 10/04. And it's driving me nuts. I mean on the verge of panic attacks.

I have minimal symptoms. No more symptoms that I do when I'm pms-ing. The little things that I can't relate to something like pms I can relate to anxiety and nerves.

And last night I started the slightest of spotting. And brown non-the-less. But did it comfort me that this is normal? NO! Did I sleep last night? NO! Did I POAS this morning? yes. Did it help comfort me to see the digital "pregnant" NO!!!!!

So I'm doing what I can to hold it together.

Now the "wonderful" husband doesn't understand any of this. He doesn't understand why I can't help him move the furniture or paint the office. He doesn't understand why I'm moody and stressed. And I don't understand why he doesn't understand. His mom "did everything" while she was pregnant. Seriously?!?! Do we really want to go there?

So if you pray, your prayers would be appreciated. I know you all think, so your thoughts would be appreciated, too. Thank you so much for letting me verbally vomit in front of you.

***Update***

After walking in the door and getting snapped at by the "working-on-it" husband, it was on! Let the tears begin. After a few minutes of him ignoring the fact that I was in the other room crying, he ventured near me. I don't know how the topic started, but my waterfall opened and I poured out everything that I've already shared with you. Then I told him how much he hurt me by saying that I'm "over-reacting" by not being willing to paint or move furniture. I then told him that I am terrified because I have no clue what is going on in my body right now and that I need his support. I think I repeated about a dozen more times that I need his support and how scared I am. All of this through tears...while he held me and let me cry. Then he said a few sweet things and it was done. Let's hope things get better, I think they will. Oh...then a couple of minutes later I started crying again out of the blue and then had to laugh when I tried to tell him that I'm "emotional right now". Now I'm crying again. 9 months of crying? I better start drinking a lot more water!!!

Truant

So yeah, I've had a cold all weekend, but how sick am I? Am I sick enough to skip work today? Maybe not, but I did it anyway! I went in for a few hours, but just didn't feel well enough to stay and put up with it. Yay me!

So now I'm catching up on all my fellow bloggers and checking my numerous email accounts. I'm watching a little Mad TV. And, ooh! ooh! I've got my windows open and I'm loving the fresh air! It's finally cool enough in Charleston to leave the windows open for a while! Fall is coming! :-)

And I think I might start crocheting something in a little while. Then maybe I'll even take a nap! Maybe I just won't go back to work this week...yeah right! LOL

Nightmares and Daydreams

My mother's best friend has prophetic dreams. She dreamed when someone close to her was going to die. She dreamed when my sister was pregnant. She had a dream about me a few weeks ago.

My twin brother and I were both in the dream. I was holding a strawberry blond babydoll (girl) & my brother was trying to take the doll from me. I told him, "No! It's my baby".

Insert guilt here. For those of you just tuning in, Evil SIL miscarried a little over a week ago. I got my BFP Thursday. I know it's completely illogical, but still...the guilt is there. Like I've taken their baby. Like I said, illogical.

Now don't get me wrong, I still do not think Evil SIL should have anymore kids. I'm not saying I wish her the pain of IF, but I do wish the the lack of desire for children. I wish for my brother that the son they have together is enough. As far as my guilt goes, my brother and I have that mythical twin bond. I never physically felt his pain, but emotionally, yeah it was there. So his loss hurts. And IF has taught me the pain of other's BFPs when my arms are still empty.

And if this wasn't all weird enough, my sister took a HPT last weekend. She's actively TTA, though.

So once again I've rambled on...damn this head cold!

Thank you...and...

First and formost, Thank you so much to all of the wonderful ladies that commented on my blog yesterday! You're assurances helped relieve my worries!!! I can never truly express how grateful I am to you each!!!!



Now onto another pic. This time I decided the lines could kiss my butt! I went digital!

I also got the blood test results back from my OB/Gyn. Of course it was positive...but they only did a qualitative test! Ugh! Since I haven't ever been pregnant they see no need to do a quantitative. I mean I'm a 30 year old female with PCOS who has never managed to get pregnant (and not because I'm Mrs. Protection). Why should I have any concern? I'm trying to relax...but we all know how that goes.

I've decided to go with it. Enjoy it for what it is right now! So for now...I'm pregnant!!! :-)

I can't freaking tell!!!!!! Please help!!!!!

***face to face with this test, the "positive" line has almost no color. it looks like (for lack of a better explanation) where the line would go if it were positive. that's where my confusion comes in***

The possible second line is so faint. In DH's words, if it is positive, then it's more positive than the one I did day before yesterday. I don't know, though!!! Ugh!!! It looks like the place where the line should go!!! My problem is, before the one I took day before yesterday, it's been over a year since I used one! I can't remember if that faint line was there before. Ugh!

No BFP No AF...what gives?!?! (updated)

I found this pic when I googled "late" images. Haha!!

So I’m 15DPO and AF is 2 days late. I used a HPT yesterday morning and got my BFN…so where is she? I can’t say I’m hopeful, at this point. I mean, come on! If nothing else, my body has taught me to expect nothing. I seriously didn’t think nothing really meant nothing. No AF? It’s not like she hasn’t been sending me smoke signals since 5 or 7DPO. I mean, I’ve been cramping for 10 or 12 days. I also had spotting on days 12, 13, and 14 past ovulation. And by spotting, I mean spotting. One spot here…another spot there. Actually…one pink spot on 12, two pink spots on 13, and two brown spots on 14. So far nothing today.

Of course, I can hear what some will say, but hope doesn’t live here. So…I’ll wait until Friday night. If AF hasn’t shown herself by then I’ll test in the morning. If I get another BFN then I’m calling my doctor Monday morning and throwing a temper tantrum! I’ve got to schedule that HSG anyway.

***UPDATE***

Somewhere along my day I managed to let some hope slip in. Not sure how I missed that sneaky sucker...but it's there now! So I can't take it anymore and I'm going to POAS first thing in the morning! I'll let you all know as soon as I get to work! :-)

My Mantra?

Today at church the pastor talked about "Giant Slaying". We all have our Goliath that yells and taunts us daily. It's up to us to figure out what our Goliath is and to slay it.

Here were my thoughts during the sermon:

My Giants:
I am incomplete
I am broken
I am infertile

My Feelings:
anxiety
hurt/pain
anger

My Mantra:
I will not accept that I will never have a child. I will accept that it will not be easy for me. I will find peace in God; I will put God in my heart so I will have peace in my soul. God will be with me through this. God will take me through this. Regardless of where the journey leads.

My random thought:
How can I be a woman and a wife without bearing my husband, my man, a child?

My really really random though:
I am like my childhood closet. (now that really did stem from something the pastor said about realizing how are fears are not as big as they seem, i.e. being scared of the boogeyman in the closet as a child and your parents opening the cloest door to reveal nothing more than a dirty pile of socks. if you opened my closet when i was a child you would have been lucky to survive the avalance of crap that would have come out of it.)

I'm not sure where all of this is leading. I'm fighting through depression and confusion and can only hope that this will help me. I promise to post more on this as I manage to sort it out. I just wanted to put it out there, though.

I apologize for the randomness!!!

Just one of those things

So I finally had one of those reactions. All my IF friends know what I'm talking about. The life-isn't-fair-why-is-it-easy-for-them-kicking-screaming-crying moment.

My mom called today to let me know that my evil SIL was going to the hospital in the morning. "She didn't know" that she was pregnant and only found out because of some serious abdominal pain that sent her to the hospital. A urine test showed positive for pregnancy, but the US showed nothing in the right places. So now they think it's ectopic. She has to go in the morning to have "uterus scrapings" and to see if it's in her tubes. If so they'll have to remove it.

I cried. And cried. And I'm ready to cry right now. I'm an evil horrible insensitive bitch...but why can she and my loser brother have babies without even trying and I cannot!!??!!??!!?? Now my logical side kicked in as soon as the words were out, but the thought and feeling are still there.

This is the conversation between brain and heart:

Brain: "Now Amanda...Poor SIL is not having a baby. She is going through a tough time. She is losing a baby. You know you feel badly for her."
Heart: "Bitch"
Brain: "How would you feel if it were you. And remember, you love your brother. Even if you don't give a crap about SIL, you know he's heartbroken"
Heart: "They both suck as parents. They already have one neglected child that they weren't trying for 9 years ago"
Brain: "Didn't Mom tell you that SIL was told she could never have kids. Don't you realize that puts you and her in the same boat. Didn't you hear that SIL and brother wanted another child."
Heart: "They are crap! They don't deserve the child that they have! They didn't want the child that they have! And she got knocked up on accident both times!!! Why can worthless people get knocked up on accident and so many who are so worth it and so want it can't even pay for it!?!?!?! Why!?!?!?! Where is the fairness in this!?!?!?! When is it my turn? When is it her turn? Or her turn? Or her turn? When???!!! Why do we have to go through so many invasive-unnatural things to even come close to obtaining our goals!?!?!?! WHY WHEN WHY WHEN" trail off into random tears at this point


Brain: "Grow up. Life isn't fair. And what are you complaining about! You haven't done IUI or IVF or even had an HSG, yet!"
Heart: "AF is 3 or less days away. 2 1/2 years of accidents waiting to happen and they haven't. A few months of POAS to see if the elusive O is happening. Knowing that a phone call to move on to the next step is days away. And don't forget about the past. Don't forget about trying years ago. Don't forget about the "chemical pregnancy" the "early-term miscarriage". DON'T FORGET!" trail off into more tears

Brain: "Get over it."
Heart: "Fuck you."

This and That

I'm excited! A good friend from work is going to bring me some banana spiders! I know this sounds pretty odd/grotesque/nasty to many people, but this is wonderful! Living in the great state of SC and more over the Low Country of SC my yard is prone to bugs. (Anyone who lives here knows how much of an understatement that is). I have a ton of spiders all around my house, but they're small and hard to see, and put webs in every outdoor corner they can find (including in between my windows and their screens). In other words, I am constantly putting one part of my body or another through their webs. Yuk! So I look forward to my acquired banana spiders! They make large, strong webs and are non-aggressive so they rock!

On a not-so-excited note, I'm cramping. Not the oooh-oooh-this-might-be-implantation cramping, the stupid-af-bitch-is-coming cramping. I'm 9DPO today and she's due in 4 more days. Looks like she's coming right on time. I guess I'll be calling my OB/Gyn on Monday to see about our next step. From what I remember of our conversation on my last visit, it's on to an HSG. Yay. If the HSG comes back clear and free then it's on to Clo.mid or some other such egg inducing chemical. I was truly hoping that DH and I would be able to do this the fully natural way.

I'm not looking forward to really talking about this with anyone outside of my IF circle. They all want to tell me to have patience and all the crap that comes along with that statement. Their comments make me feel as if they are trying to lessen my issues or make them smaller. While my issues regarding my fertility may not be the biggest issues in the world, they are HUGE to me.

I'm also going to have to prepare myself for dealing with this through work. I know that I'm not going back to work the day I have the HSG. I haven't taken a full day off of work in the middle of the week since I started (excluding when my Granny died). I haven't spoken with them about the fact that I'm TTC. I DO NOT want to talk to them about it. They are insensitive as hell. I don't want to answer their questions. I don't want to hear their stories. But how do I take a day off of work without telling them something. I got away with missing time for ultrasounds by telling them the Doc was concerned about my irregular cycle. I don't think it will fly this time. And I'm the only "employee" in an office of three. There's not any anonymity. Or privacy.

On the upside...I managed to get an unused Clea.r Pla.n Eas.y Monitor on e.bay for a killer deal! I finally get to use it! I'm going to go buy the sticks for it as soon as AF makes her official entrance! I LOVE gadgets!!!! I especially love gadgets that remind me to use them!

So anyway, that's it for now! Thank you for putting up with my randomness!

Hope and Faith

A couple of weeks back a new friend wrote a post about Hope and Faith. I had already been thinking about the whole issue, but her post put a little deeper in thought.

I have had issues with anxiety and depression since I can remember. I've been medicated off and on since I was 16. Now is an off time. This time I've done it properly and not just because I "forgot" or because I didn't want to. I'm TTC and we all know the meds would NOT be good for the baby. So now I've got this whole issue of anxiety and depression unchecked with added stress from TTC.

Now how, you may ask, does this have to do with Hope and Faith? I need peace. I need faith. I need to know that this is all the right thing. I need to feel that this will all be ok and will turn out the way I want it to (the way it's supposed to turn out). I need faith. I need peace.

Once upon a time, years ago, I got a message. I was singing at a church that I occasioned (I can't say I frequented it because I truly only occasioned it) and I felt a warmth wash over me. I felt peace and happiness. I also got a picture in my mind that God would one day bless my womb with a child. Please forgive the language for this one, but these are the only words to properly express how I felt. Until recently, I forgot this message.

Not too long ago I was reminded of this message. I was at my brother-in-law's baptism. When his pastor said a prayer, I felt the warmth again. I was reminded of this message. I want the message to be true. I believe that it will, but I need to find the place where I have to be to receive my gift.

I cannot bring a baby into this anxious depressed body and I'm not sure that a pregnancy would erase the issues. It might help, but would not erase them. I'm thinking that if I find my way back to that warm place, I might find the peace that I need. The peace that I need.

But I'm on my way! I've got good people praying for me. They think they're praying for a baby for me, but I know their prayers will work for it all.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not some super religious preaching person...I'm just finding my religion. I'm finding the spiritual side that I need. And I think I'm going to enjoy the journey. I think it's the place I need to be.