For years I've been taught that it's healthy and proactive to have boundaries in a relationship. Boundaries are vital to self-respect and is fundamental to being in control of my own life. Boundaries are essential for ensuring that physical, mental and emotional space is protected.
I admit, I've never been the best about enforcing my own boundaries. It's hard to be the bad guy. I'm prone to guilt when I say "no." With five kids, lots of church responsibilities, work obligations, etc, I had to learn to get comfortable with saying no or else your life is not your own. It's easy to have everyone else stake a claim on that little piece of your time, or your resources.
Probably the hardest people to say no to have been my own kids. But you know that with kids, you have to be strong. You know that if you don't follow through with consequences, they will learn what they can get away with. And at the end of the day, we are trying to raise them up to be responsible, kind, helpful contributors to society. Not being able to say no to your kids ultimately hurts them.
We did not have a lot of jobs for our kids to do each week. But we had our kids rotate dish week. And they learned that if they didn't do their dishes before school as was the rule, often I would just do them. I would clean the kitchen each morning after they went to school, and having a sink full of dishes to look at punished me! So we had to figure out what worked. We had to look at this system we created and remove the incentives for them to break the rules.
It was very difficult for me to stay emotionally neutral when my kids were angry at me. If I enforced a consequence, they often got mad. Especially if I took the phone away. Losing the phone was like a last resort but an effective one. Some kids would simply do what needed to be done to earn it back. And some kids go ballistic when their parents implement a consequence. "Ballistic mode" is effective. There have been times I had to be careful not to let reaction deter me from doing right by my kid. They knew how to draw me into this emotional spiral. And man it was not easy to manage. Probably the hardest time of my life. Knowing that I was the parent. I was responsible for creating a healthy system. For being consistent. For setting correct expectations. I am dealing with little people that don't have a fully functioning pre-frontal cortex. I have to be strong and say no even when it's hard because I have their best interests at heart.
And I realized that instead of being mad, I should just let the consequences do the talking. It's not easy though. The phrase "fog of war" comes to mind. Sometimes in reactions one thing leads to another and it gets messy. And then as a parent, if that happens, you lose credibility, respect, and feel really sad. Because ultimately that relationship with your child is really the most important thing.
I thought it was interesting to observe how my kids behaved with teachers too and how they responded to different styles.
I loved the teachers (my friend Rose!) who made them get their work done before they could go to recess. That worked so well with Miles and Simone. Who loved recess. They did so well when they had that consequence. They were never mad at the teacher who set that rule. They just knew they what they needed to do. They were proud of themselves. They loved their teachers. They felt confident. They had a system that worked for them.
In high school two of my kids were extremely bored with school. They did the bare minimum. Elise and Monet convinced Simone that she would like school more if she had the best teachers in the school. One of these teachers was Mr. Birell. He was hard. But he was so interesting and they loved his class. He expected students to be on time. He had quizzes right at the beginning of class. He did not accept late work.
Simone came into this class unprepared for a teacher that had strict boundaries. She was so frustrated! This was not what she'd become accustomed to and she really complained. She transferred out ASAP. It was hard to adjust to so quickly. The "nice" teachers had conditioned her to think differently about due dates, tests, and deadlines.
Similarly laws are a necessary complementary part of having an organized society. I have traveled extensively. I've been in many countries where cops don't really give traffic tickets. Generally in these countries, driving is pretty scary and very different. People hit a car, and just take off. There are no consequences for speeding, driving under the influence, etc. I'm not sure if people even have insurance in some of these places.
So I'm grateful for cops! But I'm still going to flash my lights and warn someone if a cop is waiting ahead at a speed trap. I know they are just doing their job. I'm grateful for them. I want those laws on the books. But I'm still going to commiserate with my friend if they get a ticket.
I've learned that boundaries are important. And likewise borders, literal boundaries, are too. When we don't enforce laws and low expectations, we teach people that breaching our boundaries has no consequences. We further create incentives for them to do this thing that is illegal, but at the same time beneficial to them. It's a very confusing process to be in a country illegally, but then provided with all kinds of financial assistance.
We had an administration that lacked consistency and consequences. And then the current administration has changed the strategy and the pace. And now we are in that "ballistic" phase. The "fog of war" phase. The phase that can be compared to the kid who got accustomed to not having consequences and is having a tough time adjusting to a different level of expectations.
Justice is a virtue. So is mercy. And knowing how and when to apply them is fundamental. The justice part is to continue enforcing our laws that have been created by congress. We need to remove incentives for people breaking the law. And in my opinion, the mercy side is to rewrite our immigration system so that it is easier for people to come here legally. Everyone gets a background check. Everyone gets vetted. The resources that have been spent on deportations, housing criminal inmates, etc can eventually be redirected to helping people through the immigration process.
The hard part about immigration is that as long as the US remains a welfare state, there will always be more people wanting to come here that we can possibly accommodate.
And the people that are hurt when we over-accommodate are the ones who are already here. A few weeks ago Simone, Jared and Miles went to Nebraska to sell fiber internet. Jared and Miles are starting up this sales organization. Anyway, Simone came home and was shocked by how some people live there. Many elderly on fixed incomes are struggling to afford food with our rising inflation. It's actually very sad.
Inflation is a tax on everyone. It makes all the people on the fringes of society pay more for basic necessities. Printing money we don't have to pay for endless accommodations and handouts hurts real people.
So when I see friends post if/then statements on immigration, comparing ICE to nazis, etc, I just wonder where they were 10/15 years ago? What has changed since then? Is it only the US that isn't allowed to deport people who have illegally entered? Is it okay for other countries to enforce their boundaries? Is it that they just don't believe in borders/boundaries? What is the right number of people that should be allowed to come to the US illegally? Is it okay for me to enter another country illegally and then be mad when I have to go home?
And really are we so far removed from reality that we are comparing sending people back to their home countries to rounding up and gassing people for their race? Putting someone on a flight and sending them home is NOT the same. They are literally offered $3000 to self deport. I'm not falling for this logical fallacy and manipulative tactic. Those who risk entering without permission knew the risks and potential outcomes when they chose to remain here illegally. I'm not blaming them for trying. I would too if I were in their shoes. Just like when I flash my lights to give people a heads up when a cop is ahead, I likewise am rooting for the underdog. I love the stories of those that came here for a better life and made it work. But I also understand the need for laws and respect and need for law enforcement.
The answer is to make immigration an easier process to legally navigate. To have it cost less by removing government financial incentives to those who come, allowing more people to come and not further stressing our financial systems. Background checks and thorough vetting process before.
From Psychology Today:
Signs of Boundary Violations
Before addressing boundary violations, it’s important to recognize them. Some common signs include:
- Disregard for Your “No”: People who ignore your refusal or persistently try to change your mind.
- Overstepping personal space: Invading your physical or emotional space without consent.
- Unsolicited Advice or Criticism: Offering opinions or feedback you didn’t ask for, especially in a way that feels judgmental.
- Manipulation or Guilt Trips: Using emotional tactics to pressure you into compliance.
- Repeated Interruptions: Dismissing or ignoring your expressed needs or boundaries.
