35 weeks

3 weeks left

So I jinxed myself in my last post - saying Colin has alot of fluid around him - yeah not so much now.  I went for my NST on Tuesday and again his heart rate was very high and he would not calm down - they could not get a baseline on him - I was there for hours - then when they checked my fluid it went from 14 last week to 9 this week - which is a hugh drop - I am drinking tons of water to try and get it back up before my next NST on Tuesday.

I went to the OB today and had my first internal - he has not dropped and there is no dilation - but she said with his heart rate problems and my low fluid she is not going to let me go a day over 39 weeks - so I will be induced in 3 weeks or less if my fluid continues to decrease. 

I am going to be a mom in less than a month - I am so excited and scared.  I just hope whatever happens it goes smoothly - if I have to get induced I pray I can still have a vaginal birth - but I guess whatever is going to happen is going to happen - as long as Colin is healthy - that is all that matter to me.

About a Month to Go!!!

I cannot believe it is only about a month until our little man arrives - I cannot wait to meet him.

I have to say I honestly know what women mean when they say they are done being pregnant - while I am so grateful for this miracle and so happy he is going to be full term - carrying around a baby is not easy.  John and I went to the mall today to do some returns and I had to sit multiple times and kept running out of breath.  I am tried all of the time - even taking a shower is an effort.

I am hoping to work until January 20th but I am not sure if that is going to happen.  I am going to have my first internal at the OB on Thursday - which I am a big nervous about and throughout this whole pregnant I loved my bump and my pregnant self but not so much anymore - the weight is now spreading all over and I am up 30 pounds - the stretch marks have starting arriving as well.  I just feel like a beast.

Little man is still kicking like crazy - I have alot of fluid in there still - so he has plenty of room to move around - I love feeling him - in some ways I wish I could keep him in there forever because I know he is safe.  All I keep thinking about now is a safe delivery and a healthy baby.

34 weeks

Back to Labor and Delivery

I went to my regular NTS and it did not go so well.  Colin was going crazy and his heartrate was so high and he would not calm down so after over an hour they decided to send me to Labor and Delivery - I got changed - I know the drill now and they hooked me up and within 20 mins he started to calm down and his heartrate went back to normal.  I was having alot of contractions throughout the entire time though.  They said if he keeps doing this they will probably take him early because I am far enough along now.  He is also no longer head down but laying sideways again.

I have an OB appointment tomorrow and I have alot of questions to ask.  I also started Heparin this morning - I have to do this shot twice a day - but so far so good - it does not hurt as much as Lovenox for me - the only problem - it is not covered by insurance - so a 25 day supply cost us $ 260 out of pocket - which right before Christmas was not so great - but what can we do - I have to have it.

I am having alot of anixety - I just want Colin here and healthy - all this labor and delivery trips are starting to scare me.  I even packed a hospital bag and have it in the car now - just in case - I feel like we are just waiting at this point.

We are pretty much ready - we are going to go to BRU tomorrow and get some of the items that you all suggested for breastfeeding.  We put the bassinet in our room tonight.  I still have to boil all the bottles and pacifiers, etc.  Work is crazy and so is getting all of John business information together for the end of the year.  I am hoping after Christmas things will start to slow down.

I am so excited to meet my little man and see what he looks like - I cannot wait to be his mom - he is kicking me like crazy right now and I love every moment of it.

Breastfeeding - What do I need??

I need help and advice from all the breastfeeding mamas out there.

I need to know what supplies I need so I will have everything in stock and ready to go for when Colin comes.

My friend Jenn is giving me her breast pump that she never used.

I also bought the following items:

Storage Bottles

Breast Pads

Breast Cream

So what else do I need to get started??  On a related note I woke up this morning to breast leakage - first time that has every happened since I got pregnant - I guess my body is really getting ready for my little man.

Feeling so blessed

This has been a good week - my friend Jenn offered me her breast pump - which is going to be such a lifesaver for us and save us so much money.  Then it seems like things are going to work out with my current job - even though I have decided to stay home with the baby for the first year - he has decided to work with my schedule and have me do night and weekends - for the year - which is great.  That way either John or I will be home with the baby - and I will be able to make some money.

There is also one crazy thing that happened this week - apparently John's new business is being audited.  I am not really worried about it because everything is in order - and I keep good records - but it has not even been a year yet - they want to set up the aduit for Feb - which is just bad timing - with the baby coming - but what can you do.

I am feeling the same amount of excited and nervousness about the arrival of Colin - I have to stop reading the baby books because all they do is tell you all the bad things that can happen now.  All I want is a healthy Colin.

32 weeks

Getting Nervous and a Birth Plan

It is now the countdown until the end and I am freaking out - I am just so worried I will not know what to do or will not be a good mom.  I am sure all first time moms go through this - I just want to do everything right and know what to do for him.  I just want him to be happy and healthy.

My brother told me we need to have a birth plan - I did not know I needed one but he did bring up some good points.  I want an epi for sure - I also want to do skin to skin and I want to try and breastfeed right away.  If I end up having a c-section - I guess I will not be doing skin to skin or breastfeeding right away.

What are some other things to consider when putting together a birth plan??

Also what are some useful and helpful things to pack for the hosptial??  Is it worth bringing p.j's or should I just stay in the hospital gown the entire time??  Should I bring a robe??  What kind of nursing bra/tanks should I get?? 

We finished the nursery and started putting together the baby items - we have the pack and play up and the swing and rock and play up - we still have to get the car seat installed and put up the bouncer and bassinet - I feel like there is so much to do and I will never be prepared.

Also breastfeeding moms - what do I need to get started - we are holding off on buying a pump until I see if we will even need it - I do have some disposable breast pads - should I get the reuseable ones??  I also have breast cream and that is it - do I need anything else in the beginning??

Moms - are there some things I should stock up on ahead of time - we have plenty of diapers, wipes and bathing products - is there anything I need in the beginning that I should get now.

Any and all advice is appreciated!

Completed Nursery

It's official...

I am going to be a Stay At Home Mom once Colin arrives in January 2012!!!  I am so excited and so nervous about this major decision.  I have worked and had my own money since I was 15 years old.  I told my boss today and he took it really well - he said he felt like it was coming.  I may still work for him on nights and weekends when he needs me and around John's work schedule.  It is going to be tight - but we will not have a problem paying our bills - we will just have to cut back on extras.  I hope I am able to be a good stay at home mom - the plan is to go back to work once Colin is about 18 to 24 months old.  I would want to put him in daycare/school at that time because I think it will be good for him to learn and grow and learn to share and be around other children.  I hope I can make some stay at home mom friends too.  Onto the next chapter of my life - it sure is going to be a change.

Pissed

Tell me readers - am I overreacting??

Here is the story - My SIL - we will call her SIL 1 - she is John's brothers wife - she did a IVF treatment the same time as me and it worked for me but not for her - granted it was her first one and our first one ended in miscarriage but still I felt so bad for her - IF sucks for everyone.

My other SIL - we will call her SIL 2 - is pregnant - she is three weeks behind me and just got pregnant on her own - they were not even trying.

So SIL 1 comes over my house about a month ago and tells me she is happy for SIL 2 but not for me - I am still shocked she would even say that to my face - she said it was because we both did a treatment and hers did not work and mine did.

More on to my baby shower - SIL 1 was not there - I get it - baby showers are hard - so I figure she is going go to bail out of both mine and SIL 2 baby showers and I did not blame her.  But now comes SIL 2 baby shower - and SIL 1 is actually bringing SIL 2 to the baby shower - so obviously she is going to be at SIL 2 baby shower.

I cannot believe this - how can you go to SIL 2 baby shower and not mine - it is not right and it is not fair and I think it is just wrong - then SIL1 facebooks me and says I am still thinking of you - bullshit.  Obviously she really is not happy for me and really happy for SIL2 - which is being shown in her actions.  I am so just so mad - you do not go to one family members shower and not the other.  I am so hurt and I have decide no more being nice - she better not say anything to me at this shower.

Maybe it is my hormones but I am just so upset by this - because if I tried to pull this crap John's family would be all over me about this and when I raise the issue to his family about the way she is treat the two pregnant women in the family completely different - they actually told me that maybe she has healed - or is healing - oh so she is healed enough to go to a baby shower 3 weeks after mine - please.

Nursery Progress

So the nursery is almost done - thank goodness.  The walls are paint - new closet door is hung - floors are refinished - the area rug is down - the shades and curtains are up on the windows - all that need to be done now is for the closet organizers to be hung - all the wall art to be hung - all the furniture to be put in and of course all of the cute accessories - but here is some pictures from where it is at today - I hope to post finish pictures by next weekend.

Quiet

Things have been pretty calm and quiet that last week - which is the way I want it to be - I am feeling pretty good - I cannot really complain - my only real issue is sleep - I do not sleep really well - but I mind as well get use to that.  I have gained 20 pounds so far - which is pretty standard - I think - I am up to 148 pounds.  I am thinking I will probably gain about 10 more - we will see.

I have my first non-stress test this afternoon - and tomorrow I have to take my glucose test - which I am not looking forward to at all.  Thursday night is our breastfeeding class - I cannot believe I will be 29 weeks on Thursday - time is flying.  I cannot wait to meet my little man.

We had our 3D ultrasound on Saturday - it was so wonderful - and so detailed - Colin looks just like John - he has every single facial feature of John's - I do not see me in him at all - but I am sure that could and probably will change.

The nursery is almost done - John worked really hard on it this weekend - it is turning out really nice - I will post pictures when it is all done.  We also picked up Colin's mattress on Sat. as well - it was last thing we needed (for now) for him.  I still have to wash all of his clothes and sheets, etc.  But things are slowly but surely getting done.

Two of my friends Jenn and Dana are giving their son's old clothing - which is so great - because we did not get alot of clothes at the shower - so now I do not need to worry about going out and buying of ton of stuff for him.

I have gone part time at work - it is just too much with all the appointment working full time - my boss was not too happy about it - but it is working out great for me - I get to nap in the afternoons and do what needs to get done.

I am just very very happy - I hope the rest of these 11 plus weeks go smoothly and we have a healthy delivery and healthy baby - other than that - that is all I can ask for.

Labor and Delivery again

Yup - I was back in Labor and Delivery again today.  I was having some minor dull cramping/ache in my lower stomach - it started last night - I figured I had an OB appointment today and I would just ask them then.  I thought they would just say it is growing pains or the baby streching out or something simple like that - nope they said we think you are contracting and you need to go to Labor and Delivery right now.  So back the hospital I went - they hooked me up to the machine and I only had one contracting in 20 mins - they believe that I am dehyrated and that is why I had one minor contraction.  They doctor can in and did a test to determine if I will go into labor early - they will call me if it come back positive - but I will not find out until tonight.  She also did an exam and it hurt - but she said I am long and closed and not dilaiting so that is all a good sign and they let me go home.  I was told I must take it easy and rest in bed as much as possible - I can still work but I need to rest as much as possible and drink drink drink plenty of fluids.

Happy Halloween

Baby Shower

My baby shower was yesterday and it was wonderful - we got so many nice gifts - all of our big stuff - and the theme was elephants - it was so cute.  Now if I could just get John to finish the nursery so I could put all of this stuff away.  They made the cutest shirt for John.  Here are some pics.

26 weeks

Non Stress Testing

I have to admit I am having a hard time - I have alot of anxiety - I am just so scared something bad is going to happen - I just do not want to end up in the hospital again before January.  I had a hemo appointment today and an OB appointment.  My hemo appointment went well - my blood pressure was good and my bloodwork came back good.  I do not have to go back for 5 weeks - I will be 32 weeks by then and be switching over the heperin.  At 32 weeks I will have to start going to the hemo every week.  I got all my of my medications refilled as well.

I was very nervous about my OB appointment because of what happened last week.  It went well though - my belly is measuring properly and my weight is good at 144 - total of 16 pounds so far of weight gain.  The heartrate was good.  They have decided that at 28 weeks I will start getting non-stress tests every week - until then I will be going to the OB every week.  The told me to hold off on my glucose test for two more weeks - because last week they gave me the shots to help mature Colin's lungs and that can sometimes mess up the glucose results.

I am glad they are keeping such a good eye on me and Colin - but it is really stressful.  I just want January to be here already.  I know how blessed I am and how lucky I am to be pregnant.

Updates

I am doing okay - I am still nervous and I check Colin's heartbeat on the doppler every single day - I also have to do kick counts - so far so good.  I also have to go to the OB now every week - which is fine with me - I want to be closely watched.  I really think it was just a matter of bad timing - I think babies do this all the time - pull on their cord - but it just happened that I was in the office when it happened and they have to take is seriously.  I am trying to stay positive and hope for the best and that Colin will not come until January.

I am officially the heaviest I have ever been in my life - I really do not mind the extra weight because it means Colin is growing - I am just not use to carrying it around.  Women make pregnancy look so easy and it is really not that easy - at least for me - I think I am getting to the stage now where I am not going to be happy pregnant women anymore.  The worse thing is the indigestion - it is so bad - and nothing is helping.  It gets so bad it gives me horrible headaches.  I am lucky I have had no swelling yet but I do have back pain.  It will all be worth it in the end - I would do anything and endure anything for my little man.

My SIL came over my house this weekend and shared some very strange and surprising news with me.  We both did IVF at the same time - mine worked and hers did not work.  I felt so bad.  Apparently she has been really angry at me - I am not really sure I get it - I mean I get being sad and upset - but angry - It is not my fault her cycle did not work and it was her first IVF and our first IVF ended in miscarriage.  As you all know my other SIL is pregnant as well - 3 weeks behind me - she got pregnant on her own.  Well the SIL said she is happy for the other SIL that is pregnant and not happy for me - I thought to myself - why are you telling me this - to make me feel bad.

We are Home!!

We got home about 4 pm today.  I had my consult with the MFM and a high resolution ultrasound and everything looked good with Colin.  The fluid around him was good - the placenta is good and the blood flow to the cord is good.  He is two pounds and in the 64 percentile for his age.  He is currently breach and the doctor said he is very active for his age.  Apparently he was just pulling on the cord alot and having a party in my belly and that is why his heart rate kept dropping - he gave us quite a scare.

It was very scary - they did give me another shot before we left the hospital to mature his lungs - just to be on the safe side.  They want to see me once a week now at the OB - again to just be on the safe side.  Plus I have to start counting kicks - obviously they will not be very consistant right now but they said to just make sure is his kicking like he normal has been.

We had a 3d ultrasound - Colin looks just like John - I am so in love with him - I hope he stops causing trouble and stays put to January - thank you so much for all the well wishes and prayers - it is so much appreciated.

Still in the Hospital

I am feeling fine - but then again I never felt bad - Colin did good last night - he heart rate stayed pretty steady and he did not have alot of decells.  They did give me a shot last night to help develop his lungs in case he needs to be born - which scared me but they are just covering all of their bases.  They also said for John to stay the night in case anything was to happen.  We managed to get a couple of hours of sleep. 

The good thing is they are letting me eat breakfast this morning - that is a good sign because if they were still thinking of having to do a c-section then they would not let me eat - I am so hungry - I have not eaten since noon yesterday - I cannot wait for the food to get here.

They still will not let me out of bed - I have a heart monitor hooked up on one side and a IV hooked up on the other side.  They are having me go for an MFM consult at some point today.  They are going to do a high resolution ultrasound - measure my fluids and test the blood flow to the cord - after all my tests they will decided from there what will happen and if I can go home.

Please continue to prayer for us - we are not totally out of the woods yet.

Jinxed Myself

All that talk about labor and delivery and guess who is now in labor and delivery right now.  Me - yup - I went to my regular OB appointment and they heart rate kept dropping - they had me go right to the hospital - at the hosptial Colin's heart rate continued to dip - so they decided to admit me -  will be here to at least tomorrow - they have me hooked up to the monitor and they gave me a shot to mature the lungs in case he has to be born - but that is the worst case senenrio - and I will not even let my mind go there right now - we are really scared and praying this little boy stay inside for much longer - please pray for us.

Labor and Delivery

Okay moms who read my blog - give it to me straight -the good, bad and ugly about labor and delivery - I want to hear it all.

How did you know you were in labor?

How long were you in labor?

Did you get an epi??  Did it hurt??

Did you have a c-section? Explain

Did you have a natural delivery?  Explain

Were you able to stick with your birth plan?

Did you tear?  How was the healing?

What are some must have things to bring to the hospital?

Did your DH or SO stay with you during you time in the hospital?

How long were you in the hospital for?

Any other knowledge or tidbits you would like to share with this first time mom??

24 weeks

Don't mind my bed head - this was first thing this morning.

Things I have learned about pregnancy so far

1. Lotion - use it - even if you do not have stretch marks you skin is tight and it makes it feel better.

2.  Use a sleeping bra - it will cut down on stretch marks and it is so confortable.

3.  Maternity jeans are not comfortable - at least for me anyway - I have been rocking dress pants at work and tights on the weekends.

4.  The baby will move all around crazy some days and some days the baby will be quiet and not move around too much - which I read is normal - but it totally freaks me out.

5. As you get further along in your pregnancy it gets harder and harder to do normal things - like get off of the couch.

6.  Sleeping is difficult and requires alot of pillows

7.  Your skin will look like you are 15 years old again - at least mine does.

8.  You are hungry all of the time - incluidng in the middle of the night - these 4 am feedings that I have been having to have lately are getting old - I get up to pee and I realize I am so hungry that I have to eat something before I can go back to sleep.

9.  The baby kicks your bladder or sits on your bladder and out of no where you feel like you are going to pee yourself and then if he moves it feeling goes away.

10.  Your boobs look gross - they are dark and not pretty - at least mine have not leaked yet.

Would anyone else like to add to my list??

Focus on the Positive

My mom has been gone 11 years today - I cannot believe it - I really wish she was here - my brother's wife is about to have her third child - a boy - anyday now and then I will be having my little boy - she will have 4 grandchildren.

My in-laws have been so great all weekend long - my mother in law called me on Friday to check on me and my one sister in law came over for a visit on Friday night and my other sister in law came over yesterday with lunch for me - it is nice that they care so much and are there for me.

I am going to try and think positive - this baby is healthy and I am healthy and this pregnancy is going well and that is all that matters.  I saw the baby move in my stomach for the first time on Saturday night - it was the coolest thing.

Another thing to look forward to is that our nursery is finally going to get done this week - hubby took a week off of work to get it all done - there is alot to do.  Finally Colin's room will be ready for him.  We have our birthing class on Oct. 15th too.

I picked an outfit out for my shower - it is at the end of this month - things are already starting to get bought off my registry.

To Good to Be True

I am freaking out because everything is going so well in this pregnancy and that is not like me - I do not have good luck - I do not have good things happen to me - this is such a blessing and I am so grateful - but all I keep thinking is I am waiting for the other shoe to drop - isn't that sad.  I just want a healthy baby boy at the end of this.

I am missing my mom so much - she will be gone 11 years on October 3rd and sometimes it seems like yesterday - I wish she was here with me now - I seems so much harder being pregnant without my mom - I am actually jealous of my SIL who is due 3 weeks after me because she has her mom and her sisters and I have no strong female presence in my life.

Please please let Colin stay in there for 40 weeks and please please please let him be a healthy happy baby - that is all I want.

Colin at 22 weeks

Everything went well at the ultrasound today - his heart is great as far as they can tell.  Normally they do not do photos at the fetal echo - but I asked for one and they did a 3D one for me - Colin was not cooperating very well - he kept putting his hands in front of his face -  in the photo it does look like he is giving everyone the finger - LOL - he is so cute already - I am just so in love with him.

22 Weeks

I am feeling pretty good - the only real complaint I have is sleeping - I do not sleep very well anymore - but that is just preping me for all those middle of the night feedings.

I am so very grateful and happy to be pregnant and to be having a healthy pregnant.  I have a fetal echo ultrasound this afternoon - I cannot wait to see my little man again - I hope everything goes smoothly. 

I still worry every time - because when we lost the first baby - we found out by ultrasound - so whenever I have to get an ultrasound I am a bag of nerves until they tell me everything is okay.

Here is a 22 week picture.

Me and My Plans

So John and I talked last night and I think we came up with a game plan regarding Colin and daycare.  We are going to spend the next two months seeing if we can live without my paycheck.  I plan on putting my whole paycheck into our saving account.  This way we will build up some saving and see what it would be like.  We also plan on starting to cut back now too.  I am going to do my food shooping at Shop Rite or Pathmark instead of Acme which is more expensive - I am also going to try and cook every night so we save money on going out to eat and ordering in.  We are going to start cutting coupons and other odds and ends to cut back.  If it works out then I will tell my boss in December that I will not be coming back.  There is no way I can take a leave of absence - it is a very small law office - when I say small I mean me and the attorney - I basically run his office - so he will need someone else and I cannot expect him to save my job for me.  I will ask for possible night or weekend work from him though.  I want to take off for 6 months to a year and then look at getting back into the job market if possible. 

In other news my brother just made Staff Sergeant in the Marines - I am so very proud of him!!!!!!

Struggling

I am having a really hard time with the thought of putting Colin in daycare.  Everytime I think about it I get so upset.  I do not know how women do it.  We have tried for so long and so hard to have this child who is so very much wanted and for me to just give him to a stranger for 8 hours at day at only 8 weeks old - I just do not think I can do it.

As my readers know I am a planner - I have planned everything so far about this pregnancy and this baby and have been far ahead in the process but one thing I cannot bring myself to do is call the daycares.  I have 4 names of in home daycares that I need to call - they were all referred to me by people I know but I just cannot bring myself to do it.

John and I have been talking about it and he would really like if I could stay home with the baby too.  But talking about it and actually do it are two seperate things.  We totally wiped out our savings account with all of our IVF treatments and medication we had to pay for.  So we have no real back up right now.

I have a good job which I love that pays good money and benefits.  My heart says to stay home with the baby but my head says who give up a good job in this ecomony??

I am just so confused and lost on what to do - if I quit my job we could make it work - it would be hard but we could make it work - we would just have to cut corners and make sarficies.

All my friends are telling me to stay home - that I do not want to miss all of the first and they know how much I have wanted this child.

I guess I will talk to John more about it and go over our finances and see what we can do - and then maybe talk to my boss about possibily working part time at night and/or on the weekends - not ideal but it would be better than nothing.  If there is a will there is a way - right??

Sleep Trouble

I think it is too early in this pregnancy for me to be having sleep trouble but I am.  It is mainly my hips - I am usually a back sleeper so sleeping on my sides is difficult for me and I think all the pressure of my whole body - including my extra belly weight is just pressing on my hips the entire night - I wake up so very sore.  What can I do to make it better.  I have a boppy pregnancy pillow but it sucks - it is too puffy for me I am not that big yet.  So I have been sleeping with a down pillow between my knees and that does not seem to be helping so I tried putting a fluffy towel on the bed where my hip lays and that did not help - I am out of options - does anyone have any suggestions because I am not sleeping good at all and I am exhausted and it is far to early in my pregnancy to have such discomfort - right??

Childhood Rocker

Before

After

More Baby Purchases

I have bought a ton of clothes so far.  I have to stop buying stuff now and wait until after my shower to see what I get and what I still will need for Colin.  So of the other items I bought so far...

Aden and Anais Blankets

Dear Angel Lovie

Baby Care Timer

Trumpette Socks

Paint Color Help

So this is a picture of my bedding and accessories for Colin's nursery.

I need paint color help - I do not know what color to paint the room.  I was liking the light blue that is on the elephants ear in the bedding - but John is liking the green - I think the green is too bight.  It is a small room with cherry furniture.  The floors are hardwood with a dark tan rug and dark tan shades for the windows.  Any suggestions - you can go to the nursery tab on my blog to see what the nursery currently looks like - it is painted a light green now.  John was even thinking of doing the one main wall one color and then the other walls another color - but I just do not know what will look right.  Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.   Thank you.

Maternity Leave

I finally was told what my maternity leave is going to be.  I will get 8 weeks unpaid.  I will not get a paycheck but my health insurance will still be paid for the 8 weeks I am out of work - which I think is fair.

If everything goes well - my last day will be January 20th and I will return to work on March 19th. 

John is going to take a week of of work when the baby is born and two weeks of at the end of March.

Our little man will start daycare at the beginning of April.  Now I just have to find one - I have a few places to call but I have been putting it off.

I did pick the baby's doctor though - I called them and they were great!!

My Little Man

20 weeks

He already has his own little personality!!

He loves to kick his feet and he always has one hand up by his face.  I am so in love with him already.

It's A Boy!!!!!

The ultrasound went so well!!!  The baby is healthy and measuring 4 days ahead.  We are so happy and cannot wait for the arrival of Colin John!!!!

Drama with my Godmother's Family

I am close to my godmother - especially after my mother died - she is older - 78 years old to be exact and her partner died just about a year ago and ever since then she has been in declining health.  I only live about 5 minutes from her house and her family lives about 45 minutes away - so at first I was there for her most of the time - taking her places and taking care of her and being there for her - but it got to be too much on me after about 9 months - I reached out to her family and said I needed help taking care of her - they were not happy about this and said I am not a family member and to butt out - so that is basically what I did. 

In April she went into the hospital right around the corner from my house for a bowel surgery - she did not recover well and was in the ICU for almost a month - it was hard on me and I was very stressed and upset - even seeing her like that was hard on me.  They even told us at one point she was going to die - but she pulled though and did well and was out of the hospital in about another 3 weeks.

Then they found she had a serious heart problem and needed to have open heart surgery.  I told her now that I am pregnant I will not be coming to the ICU to see her - I will wait until she is better and in a rehab before I come to see her.  For one I should not be in an ICU pregnant, plus it was so hard and stressful on me last time and she does not even remember her time in the ICU last time and would not even remember be being there so why put myself through the stress - she said she was fine with my decision - well apparently she did not tell her family.

Her open heart surgery was on Friday - her one niece called me and let me know she made it through the surgery okay.  Then on Sunday her friend e-mailed me to let me know that she had visited her and she was still intubated but doing okay.  So today I decided to e-mail her other niece to to see if she knew how my godmother was doing. 

Well the niece flipped out on me - saying I have alot of nerve and I should go visit her myself.  Apparently she had a caraic arrest on Monday night - now of course they did not call me or e-mail me to tell me - but I am the one with the nerve.  They think my decision not to visit her is wrong and they are judging me for it.  With my hormones being crazy this has really made me emotional - how dare them judge me.  I am so sick of her family being so mean to me - when I was the one that had to ask them to step up after taking care of her by myself for months.  I need to focus on me and my baby right now and that is the most important thing to me and they should not make me feel bad about that.

I am hoping to call the hospital today and see if they will give me any information - I will no longer be dealing with her family - why should I let them add stress to me and the hospital she is in now is a good 45 mins away from me so it is not like I can pop in anytime like I did the last time she was in the ICU.  Why go there an upset myself when she will not even remember me being there because they have her so drugged up.

Sorry just had to vent.

Nervous about Thursday

Thursday is the big ultrasound to determine what we are having and to make sure the baby is on track and I am scared to death.  I am small - I am carrying really small - I am going to be 20 weeks on Thursday and I have not gained much weight - my weight depends on the time of day I weigh myself.  I started out pre-pregnancy at 128 pounds.  If I weigh myself in the morning I am 129-130 pounds.  If I weigh myself in the evening I am 133 pounds - so best case I have only gained 5 pounds - I should of gained more by now.  I really am eating alot - it is only 9 am and I have only been up since 7 am and I have already had apples and grapes and greek yogurt.

I am scared the baby is not going to be measuring properly - that the baby is going to be too small or something is going to be wrong with the baby.  I know alot of women carry small - I have no clue if that runs in my family - since all of my female family members are deceased and all that is left is male cousins - I have no point of reference.

Please please please let this baby be healthy.

One good thing is I felt baby kicks for the first time yesterday afternoon - like real kicks - it was so amazing.

Children's Books

Please give me suggestions of your favorite children books - I want to start a collection for my little one.

Non Professional Photos

Our maternity photo shoot went so well - the rain held off and we got some great photos.  Here are some photos my cousin took with my camera - I am sure the professional pictures will look so much better - I should get them in about a month.