If ye love me…

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A couple of years ago I was reading in the Book of Mormon about Alma’s ministry and this passage stuck out to me:

And now, because ye are compelled to be humble blessed are ye; for a man sometimes, if he is compelled to be humble, seeketh repentance; and now surely, whosoever repenteth shall find mercy; and he that findeth mercy and endureth to the end the same shall be saved. And now, as I said unto you, that because ye were compelled to be humble ye were blessed, do ye not suppose that they are more blessed who truly humble themselves because of the word? Yea, he that truly humbleth himself, and repenteth of his sins, and endureth to the end, the same shall be blessed—yea, much more blessed than they who are compelled to be humble because of their exceeding poverty. Therefore, blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble . . . . .

Alma 32: 13-16.

As I was reading, the thought came to me that Heavenly Father will have a humble people, whether we humble ourselves or are compelled to humility. It occurred to me that sometimes the trials that we experience may simply be Heavenly Father’s way of compelling us to humility and that perhaps, if we are in the midst of a difficult trial, we need to take a look at our life to assess what we need to do differently to more humble.

Fast forward to this past Sunday: Mother’s Day. The three days leading up to Mother’s Day were particularly difficult because Ben was out of town Thursday morning to Saturday evening to hike the Grand Canyon rim-to-rim-to-rim with J and Jackson and some people from town. It was really my first time being alone with all three kids for an extended period of time.

And it was HARD.

Bedtime is generally the worst part of the day. Wrangling the girls to take a bath, get jammies on, drink milk, eat a snack, brush teeth, say prayer, and actually get and stay in bed while also trying to keep Lawrence awake and happy is hard with two of us at home, so doing it alone was even harder. But it’s not the natural process of bedtime that makes it the worst part of the day. The girls used to be really good at getting ready for bed. And staying in bed. There wasn’t usually crying to be rocked or sung to or have a door left open or a light left on or the space heater turned or three trips to the “library” for books. But lately, bedtime has been taking not one, not two, but THREE hours before the girls finally quiet down and fall asleep. It’s exhausting. And it makes Ben and I (mostly the “I”) angry which makes us resort to threats to coerce them to cooperate:

Get in the bathtub/wash your hair/get out of the bathtub or you won’t get your vitamin.

Put your jammies on or you won’t get milk.

Don’t kick me or you’ll get a spanking.

Stop screaming at me or you’ll go to bed right now without milk/get a spanking.

Drink your milk or you won’t get a snack.

Get in bed NOW or we’ll turn the bathroom light off and close your door.

Stay in bed or your flashlight will go to time out.

If you come upstairs, you won’t get to sleep in your sleeping bag.

It wears me down mentally and emotionally. I hate that the girls cry almost every nite after we put them in bed. I hate having to threaten them to even get them into bed. But mostly I hate that on most nites, their last interaction with me usually involves me being angry and issuing yet another threat to compel them to go and stay in bed.

And last week, as I put the girls to bed on my own for three nites, the threats were many.

On Sunday, Ben was too crippled to go to church, so he offered to keep the kids home with him while I went by myself. I decided to give the girls the option of staying home with Dada or going to church with Mama and then going to Nursery with Grandpa. Vanna chose Dada; Isla chose Grandpa (note: she didn’t choose me). After refusing to sit in her carseat properly, I threatened Isla that I would leave her home and go to church alone if she didn’t sit down and buckle up.

As I finally buckled her in, I said, Isla, I wish you wouldn’t wait for me to get angry and threaten you before you listen. I wish you would do what I ask you to just because you love me.

And in that moment, I suddenly had a deeper understanding of and appreciation for the Jesus’s simple plea: If ye love me, keep my commandments.

I remembered my previous thoughts about Heavenly Father being intent on having a humble people and realized that he only compels us to be humble because we refuse to humble ourselves. I pictured Him watching us, shaking His head, tired and sad, and thinking, Please, just do what I ask of you because you love me and not because I’m either promising to reward you or threatening to punish you.

Being a mother is hard. It’s hands down the hardest job I’ve ever had. But I’m so grateful for these moments of inspiration that I don’t think I would have in any other capacity than as a mother because they deepen my love for and understanding of Heavenly Father and make me want to be a better daughter of God.

cheers,
amy

Family letter: May 2017

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Dear family:

In case you couldn’t tell from our mid-month letter in April, April was a doozy. As I told Ben just a couple of days after bringing Lawrence home, I felt completely unprepared to have three kids. I know I wouldn’t have survived the month without Ben, Mom, Dad, my good friends Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen, and ice cream. Our typically sweet girls became terrorists overnight, covering rooms in baby powder, coating themselves in soaps and lotions and hand sanitizer, crushing Grandma’s decorative Easter eggs into a million pieces all over the living room, sneaking candy, slurping down children’s painkillers (or in Vanna’s case, licking it off the floor), rubbing butter all over the toys in the family room, drinking syrup in the family, scattering 500 tiny hair ties all over the family room, and throwing innumerable tantrums. Isla’s mantra became, “I not doing anything!” It was a difficult month. But we realized that all their acting out was just that: acting. Cries for attention, even negative attention. So Ben and I started taking the girls on one-on-one dates each weekend. The first weekend I took Isla out for ice cream. She was so excited to pick her own flavor (pink and blue cotton candy) and sit in Ditty’s with me to eat it. Afterward, as we were driving home, she said, “That was fun!” The next weekend Ben took Vanna to his office to get some snacks/treats and then to J’s house where she got to play with Tilly while Isla and I made a cake at home. It’s amazing that just these short one-on-one dates have made a world of difference in the girls’ behavior and so far there haven’t been any more major incidents.

In the midst of all the turmoil, there have also been some really funny and sweet moments with the girls. Isla brought a book to me and wanted me to read it to her. I said, “You read it me!” She responded with a classic Grandma and Grandpa line: “I need go find my glasses.” The girls have both picked up on a new favorite catch phrase to express their minor disappointments: Oh man! A toy falls on the floor: Oh man! They have to take a bath: Oh man! They don’t get to take a bath: Oh man! It makes me laugh every time.

And then there have been the moments when we find out that the things we do and say really do make some sort of impact on their moldable minds. Last week we had a Family Nite about sharing. Sometimes lessons feel like a waste of time because the girls can hardly sit still long enough to finish a five-minute lesson and whenever you ask Isla a question the only answer you get is her stone cold poker face. The next morning, though, Isla pulled Vanna into the bathroom, sat Vanna down on the floor and said, “Baby, let’s talk.” Half of what she said was gibberish and the other half included a decent list of things: boats, buckets, toys, bath, toys in bath, babies, and some other things. Mid-list, Isla looked up at me and said, “Me and Baby talking.” “I see that,” I said, “What are you talking about?” “Sharing.” And on one particularly beautiful afternoon, Isla came running inside and asked me, “Mama, do you hear the birdies singing good morning?”

Ben performed Lawrence’s baby blessing at church this past Sunday. It was a beautiful blessing and we’re so grateful that my parents were able to be here for it too. They’re here visiting for a few days and it’s fun to watch the girls interact with them a more excitedly than ever before.

Lawrence is growing like a weed. He gained three pounds in 30 days. At this rate, he’ll outgrow the girls within a year! He’s been a wonderful sleeper and eater and pooper. He had a slightly difficult weekend with some tummy and bowel trouble but he seems to be doing somewhat better. He’s such a sweet baby and the girls love to give him kisses and are always keeping tabs on where he is. He’s starting to discover his voice and his fists and that he can see things.

I’m pretty much recovered from the C-section. This week I should be done with the six-week no-lifting probation, just in time for Ben to go hike the Grand Canyon with J and Jackson. I feel really good most days and even went into the office for an hour last week. It’s been fun watching Ben and J prepare for the Grand Canyon. I wish I could go. Next time…if there is a next time.

We love you all.
cheers,
Ben, amy, Isla, Vanna, and Lawrence

Family letter: April 2017

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Dear family:

We’re officially a family of five! Lawrence Bowman Brown was born as planned on the morning of March 30. Ben and I left for Show Low at about 4h45 in the blessed a.m. and then made a 20-minute detour back home because I forgot my wallet, including my ID and insurance card (important things when you’re going to the hospital). Lawrence was born 8 pounds 8 ounces and 20.5 inches long. He’s a great sleeper and great eater and very calm. He’s also super adorable and somehow looks much older than almost three weeks.
The girls have been slightly conflicted over the new addition to our family. Since both girls were sick the entire time we were in the hospital (3.5 days!), they couldn’t come visit us. It was the longest Ben and I had both been away from them and we missed them a lot. They were excited when we first came home with Lawrence but excitement quickly turned into toddler confusion and angst. Vanna threw a number of epic tantrums that day and into the early morning hours while Isla acted out by dumping baby powder all over the family room. Things have progressively gotten better though.
The other day Isla asked me if the baby had a name.
Me: Yes, his name is Lawrence.
Isla: Oh.
Me: Can you say Lawrence?
Isla: No, I too short to say that name. I need get bigger for I can say “Lawnce.”

Then later, while she was sitting on the bed next to Lawrence, Isla said, “I love baby boy. Sometimes.”

One of the best things about Ben’s job right now is that he works close to home and has been able to take a lot of time off to help me at the hospital and at home. Since leaving the hospital, we’ve made three trips back to Show Low for doctor appointments and I’ve been on a no-driving restriction. It’s definitely been a big sacrifice on Ben’s part since he’s so busy with work and has a ton going on with the houses and contracts he’s working on. He gets tons of email and telephone inquiries every day and responding to them all after the fact is quite daunting. But he’s catching back up and has already had a good number of closings and some new offers since Lawrence was born. Ben’s also preparing to do the Grand Canyon rim-to-rim-to-rim next month with J and some other people. I’m mentally preparing myself to start walking Miguel in the morning beginning…at some undetermined future date. In reality, I’m mostly just trying to sleep as much as possible whenever possible.

Mom and Dad have also been a huge help with the girls. We certainly wouldn’t be surviving right now without them. Especially since I’m not supposed to lift or carry anything heavier than Lawrence for six weeks. It’s been wonderful for me to not have to worry about housework and meals or anything really while I’ve been recovering. But each day gets better and better for me and I can do a little more and I can even sleep in a bed again.

Easter was fun despite the girls being sick. I stayed home with all the kids while Ben went to Sacrament meeting and third hour. He came home during Sunday School to help put the girls in bed for naps. We did dinner with everyone at Uncle Norman’s house and the girls had a blast finding Easter eggs. After we got home, Ben hid their baskets and eggs in Dad’s office but forgot to close the door. The next day, I found the girls sitting in the dark on the mattress on the floor in the office, giggling and surrounded by candy wrappers and plastic eggs. They were on a sugar high for the rest of the evening but at least they were happy.

Below are a few pictures of Lawrence and Ben’s birthday. We love you all and are grateful for everyone’s love and support.

cheers,

Ben, amy, Isla, Vanna, and Lawrence