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  • Prostate Honked

  • Drunk Man Casts Eye Around Bar For Someone To Cherish, Hold, Spend Rest Of Life With

  • Purple Applies For Primary Color Status

  • Super Bowl LX Begins With Moment Of Silence For Failed Bay Area Startups

  • Foolhardy Scratch-Off Ticket Offers Absurd 6 Ways To Win

  • Man With Undetected Pancreatic Tumor Finally Starts Flossing

  • Drunk Man Casts Eye Around Bar For Someone To Cherish, Hold, Spend Rest Of Life With

  • Purple Applies For Primary Color Status

  • AI Email Summary Longer Than Email

  • Man Wants To Find Algorithm, Scream “I Don’t Have Toenail Fungus” At It

  • Kegels Audible

  • Tampon Wriggling Out Like Wily Trout

  • Theater Staff Lets Man Go Right On Masturbating In Otherwise Empty ‘Melania’ Screening

  • Well Water Still Tastes Like Toddler

  • Chess Onlooker Sees A Move You Can Do

  • Crime Scene Fetishist Dusts For Toe Prints

  • Silent Protest Sparks Silent Debate

  • Dept. Of Tautology Rereleases Report For Second Time

  • Sixth Beer Steps In To Speak For Area Man

  • Study: Majority Of Nation’s Sweat Now Produced From Eating Spicy Wings


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The Onion: Sending Emails For Over A Hundred Years.

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