A Piece of the Puzzle that is My Testimony

Last Sunday was Fast Sunday.  Due to circumstances not exactly beyond his control, but which he handled with courage and love as a father, Zack ended up at the pulpit.  Only one of the two boys who cajoled him up there managed to do the same.
When Zack speaks he has this awesome habit of speaking exactly what he thinks and feels, regardless of how others might perceive him or judge him because of it.  I love this about him.
In his testimony he talked about how he has been struggling with Knowing.  How can we truly KNOW something is true?  He also talked about how when we share our testimonies with each other we strengthen each other.  Sometimes we carry others with our testimonies and other times we are carried.  He has been feeling very much carried lately.  This resonated with quite a few people in the congregation and I love that so many of them approached me and/or Zack afterwards with gratitude to Zack for voicing something they have often felt also.

I wanted to get up and bear my testimony after that.  To share my little piece of learning and understanding that I have come to know through my struggles and triumphs.  But I just couldn't get my thoughts in order to be able to express things clearly.  So I vowed to myself that I would share my testimony, or the piece I have come to understand really well lately, online so that it would still be shared, just not vocally.  I know some of my strengths, and speaking isn't one of them.  I sound like an idiot sometimes when I speak, but when I write I can manage to sound somewhat coherent.

The Friend magazine showed up this week for our kids.  As I was flipping through it, I saw a page on testimony.  It compared a testimony to a puzzle and said, "Gaining a testimony is like a putting together a puzzle- it's something you add to piece by piece."  The piece I have been working on lately to understand and gain a better testimony of is the Atonement.  The Atonement has become many things to me over the past few years.  I have seen and felt the strength, or grace, that the atonement provides.  I have a strong testimony of that.   I believe there is a power beyond our own that lifts us, gives us strength, comforts us and propels us forward in our times of need.  This is grace.

Lately I have begun to recognize and understand another power of the atonement.  I believe that through the atonement of Christ, we can change.  Every single one of us has the ability to change.  This may sound simple and something we've heard all our lives, but I'm just now starting to SEE it in my life.  It's easy to hear something like "We can all change!" or read Ether 12:27 where it says "..I will make weak things become strong unto them." and believe it is true and good- but not really GET it.    But it changes when you feel you find yourself at the bottom (you know what bottom I'm talking about, and if you don't, you probably will someday...) and can see all your failures and weaknesses and can only see that your attempts to get better have just resulted in more and more failures, each one feeling worse then the last.  When you can't see how you can possibly do anything different and yet it's still not enough.  When you've felt those feelings and when you feel like you have nothing left of yourself to try, that's when those words start to become real.  Can the Lord really take my weakness and turn it into a strength?  Can I truly change?  Can I?  So you take one step.  You have faith that when He says you can change if you humble yourself and have faith in Him He's telling the truth.  You trust His word.  You pray, even when it seems like it's not helping.  You read scriptures even when you feel helpless.  You read them to your family, even when it feels like it's not helping. You go to church even when it feels so hard. You keep trying.  You keep praying.  Did I mention you keep praying?  Even when you feel like a hypocrite because you aren't teaching or sharing any of it with your family and if you really believed it you would talk about it all the time.  You don't give up.  You fail.  You get on your knees and plead for forgiveness and strength and help and then you get up and keep trying.   You try to listen for promptings and help.  You try to act on those promptings.  You take it day by day.  Sometimes minute by minute or just moment by moment.  Always believing that the Lord is with you- that He is a partner with you in your struggles.  He will change you.  He promised.  Just LET GO and stop trying to do it by yourself, Carrie.  And gradually you start seeing how He's changing you.  You see it, you feel it, and you KNOW that it wasn't through your strength and effort that you are changing.  You know you are not left alone.  You know whose strength is carrying you and changing you.  You know it.  I know it.  Once upon a time I believed it  But now I've put it to the test, and I know it.

But I also know that  this is just a piece.  My understanding and dependence on Christ needs to keep growing.  Line upon line.  I know that I need to keep feeding this testimony because just as it can grow and thrive, it can also wither and die if I ignore it.

 I believe that many of us, through our own grit and determination can change many things, but I now believe that, through Christ, we can change anything.  There is no habit, no weakness, no addiction, nothing, that can't be changed through the Atonement of Christ.   

Jesus Wept

I'm trying to learn to be more empathetic.  I'm trying to learn how to listen and care about others and be a comfort when someone is feeling something other than happy.  It is HARD.  I'm realizing I don't like feelings if they aren't "good".  It makes me uncomfortable.  When my kids are upset or unhappy or angry or basically anything other than "fine", I actually get annoyed.  I can be heartless sometimes.  Why do I get annoyed?  Because feelings are scary to me.  Feelings are scary!!!!  I can't fix feelings!!
But when I say, "Don't feel that way" it just seems to make the other person MORE upset.
Weird, huh?

So right now I'm trying to learn compassion.  I'm trying to learn empathy.  I'm trying to learn that feelings don't have to be scary.  Feelings are just feelings and don't actually need to be fixed.

Right now I'm looking at Christ's life and how he showed empathy.  The single most touching moment I can think of is the small verse in John 11 which simply says "Jesus wept."

Jesus wept.

Why did he weep?  His good friend, Lazarus, had died and Jesus was talking to Lazarus's sister, Mary, who was also Jesus's good friend.  She was crying.  She was mourning the loss of her brother. He was crying because he was sharing that moment with Mary.  He was sharing her pain.  He was empathizing with her.  He wept with her.  

Here's what gets me.  Jesus KNEW that Lazarus was going to be alive very soon.  He had been planning it ever since he found out Lazarus was sick.  He knew Mary's pain was going to very soon be turned into joy.  But did he say anything about that right away?  Did he say "Don't feel bad, Mary.  Lazarus is going to come back to life!"  No.  He knew he was going to "fix" things for her, but he still didn't brush her feelings aside.  He acknowledged them.  He shared them.  He connected with Mary in that moment.  He has all the answers and all the healing and he didn't just give her answers.  He gave her empathy and love first and foremost.

This tells me that when others are hurting it's not my job to have the answers for them, at least not right away.  It's my job to be with them in that moment and connect with them.  Don't fix it.  Acknowledge their pain or sadness or anger.  Listen to them.  Feel with them.  If, after that, I can do something to help, THEN I can offer it.  But most times we don't need someone to fix things for us.  We need someone to feel with us and listen.  It is the Savior who can fix all things.  He is the great healer.

I think I've often felt like I needed to be the healer and I knew I couldn't heal it, so when someone had a feeling that needed healing I would get scared.  And that fear would turn into annoyance or anger or just stay fear.  And then I wouldn't do anything.  I need to follow the Savior's example and just weep with them.  Just feel with them.  Let them know they are not alone.  They have a friend.  

I KNOW that when we all feel pain or sorrow or sadness that Jesus is weeping with us, too.  He feels our pain.  He knows exactly how we feel and it breaks his heart.  He weeps with all of us, and after he weeps with us, he will heal us.  

Delivered

There's a story in Acts about how Peter, the President of the church at the time,  in prison, inevitably to be killed by Herod to appease the Jews,  is freed miraculously by an angel.
The story goes like this:  Herod killed James.  When he saw how much it pleased the Jews, he decided to kill Peter, too.  So he took Peter, intending to kill him after Easter.  He put Peter in prison, surrounded him by 16 soldiers and put him behind several locked doors.
Well, the night before Peter was to be killed, as he was sleeping between two guards and chained with two chains, an angel came and told him to get up.  His chains fell off.  He told Peter to get dressed and put on his shoes and follow him.  Peter thought it was a dream, but he did as the angel said.  They went past the first and second wards and then came to the gate that lead to the city.  It opened of it's own accord and they passed through.  They went through one street and then the angel left.  It was then that Peter realized that it wasn't a dream and that the Lord had delivered him from prison.  A situation that seemed impossible to overcome was done quietly and simply in one night.

We've seen the hand of the Lord in our lives today in such a beautifully orchestrated way that I would be ungrateful if I didn't record it.

Without question, this last year has been the most challenging year of our lives.  We've had about four life-changing issues we've been working towards finding resolution and direction for.  They come from almost every aspect of our lives and they've seemed overwhelming with no real solution in sight for any of them.  The resulting feeling has been one that can best be described by the word "lost".

First, we've been trying to find out what direction Zack should take regarding work for 5-10 year plan.  Does he like what he does?  Does he want to change professions?  Do we want to go into business for ourselves?  What would we do?  What is best for our family?  What would make Zack happy and, in turn, make Carrie happy?  So, big work question.

Second, we've been actively working to make sure our retirement savings is in order and trying to figure out how we want to go about investing our money.  Do we want to use a financial adviser?  Do we want to use some online company and manage it ourselves? Do we want to invest in real estate?   Along those same lines come the third question:

Third, we've been talking a lot about whether or not we should move to a house higher up in elevation (or even in a different state) so as to avoid the inversion and horrible air that comes around often.  Caleb and Zack have asthma and the inversion is terrible for them.
Do we buy a house as an investment and rent the house we are currently living in?  How do we afford it?  What would that do to our retirement?  What is best for our family's health?  Not to mention schools and neighborhoods and commutes and everything else associated with moving.

And lastly, Zack has been struggling lately with his relationship with Heavenly Father and his testimony of the gospel.  Depression has a way of screwing with a lot of things and making every aspect of your life hard.  It feels like you are walking through thick mud and surrounded by a cloud that obscures your vision and keeps you from seeing light.  Our best analogy of it so far is that it's like cancer of your mind.  It knocks you down hard and makes you feel like you can't do anything.  It takes away your energy and drive and self worth and then, in a perfect twisted way, it makes you wonder if it's even real or if it's all in your head and you're just a terrible person because you can't do anything.  It's like having cancer but nobody can see it so you wonder if it's even real.  If someone had cancer no one would say "Why on earth couldn't you get out of bed today?  What's wrong with you?"  You'd be a jerk if you said that.  But if you have depression and can't get out of bed, people, especially yourself, wonder if you are just a weak person. Then it sometimes blocks your ability to feel the Spirit, so while you are feeling all these terrible things and wondering if you are indeed just a terrible person, you also feel like you've been abandoned by Heavenly Father because you can't feel His love.  It's pure evil, Depression.  It's a disease of the mind and it messes with you in a major way.  In short, it really really stinks.  (Tirade about Depression over.)

In addition to all of those questions, I've been praying lately to know what I can do to best help Zack in his "refiner's fire" of afflictions to put it mildly.

So now we come to this weekend.  Things were tough on Friday night and only got tougher Saturday morning.   We saw no way that the day was going to end well.  Zack, as he has been doing for the past while or so, started to look at house listings online.  He found what we've been calling "The Perfect House".  It was up near the canyon, high enough to be out of the inversion, had a beautiful low-maintenance yard, an awesome deck that overlooked gorgeous views of the lake and mountains, had a great kitchen, a fabulous second floor with enough bedrooms for the kids and an amazing master suite.  It was truly awesome.  We decided to drive by it that afternoon, just for fun.  After seeing it in person we agreed it was pretty nice.
Afterwards,  Zack dropped me off at the temple so I could have some 'personal revelation' time while he took care of the kids.  (This chain of events was a miracle in an of itself but I won't go into that.)

My temple session was great and full of loving reminders as to what my role for my family should be and what Zack's role should be.  I was reminded that all we were going through a refiner's fire and that I should continue to trust the Lord and trust Zack.  It gave me a lot of peace.

When it was over Zack and the kids came to pick me up.  Zack informed me that he had made an appointment with a realtor to see "The Perfect House".  You know, just for fun...  So we headed straight over there and had a look.  It was fabulous.  It really was.  We loved it.  While looking at it, Zack received pretty clear direction as to what he should do job-wise.  
That night we did a lot of talking about whether or not we should buy the house.  There were a lot of factors involved in this decision.  We were up until after midnight talking about it.

Then Zack suggested we fast and pray about it the next day.  This was huge.  He has been doubting whether or not Heavenly Father actually cares about him and didn't feel worthy to have any prayers answered (see tirade about Depression above).  So to have him suggest that we fast and pray was a huge act of faith.  He also suggested that he (and Caleb) go to the sacrament meeting of the ward we would go to if we bought that house, to get a taste of the neighborhood, and maybe even get some answers.   I agreed that was a great idea and so we did it.  I went to our regular ward with Noah and Yemma and he went to "The Perfect House's" ward with Caleb.  The whole time we were praying for inspiration for what would be best for our family.  (On a side note, we both agreed that if "The Perfect House's" ward had at least one black family we would just move, no more questions asked. :) )

When we got home from our respective meetings, we spent a few hours talking about our experiences.  My experience at church was  reminder that I love our current ward and the people in it.  I spent a good amount of time talking to a guy in our ward who, like Zack, also suffers from depression.  He had been thinking about Zack lately and wanted to see how he was doing.  He wanted Zack to know he wasn't alone.  I had been praying for people in our ward, who understood somewhat how he felt, to reach out to Zack.  This was clearly an answer to that prayer.
Zack's experience in "The Perfect House's" ward was even better.  The topics of the talks during Sacrament meeting were focused on the Atonement and how we shouldn't judge people because we don't know where they are in life and what experiences they've had.  It also addressed the "self-worth" and "worthiness" concerns he'd been struggling with.  Depression was mentioned as an example.  The topic in Elder's Quorum was on being converted.  There were many things said that spoke to Zack's heart and mind.  He was reminded that our faith doesn't grow by thinking about it.  It grows by doing.  And he felt the spirit tell him what he needed to do to build his testimony and feel the love of Heavenly Father.  Even if we decided we shouldn't move, going to that ward on that Sunday was exactly what Zack needed at the time.  It's amazing how Heavenly Father got him there.
 
Though we both had great experiences at church, neither of us felt any clear direction as to whether we should buy that house or not.  The way we were looking at it, we had two paths and neither one felt right, but also didn't necessarily feel wrong.
Then Zack started describing a third path.  One that involved waiting on buying a house, but doing a few things that we hadn't considered until just then.  As he was outlining the third path I just felt really good.  This was the right way to go.  He felt it, too.  We had been given clear direction.
We realized right then that all of the dilemmas and questions that we'd been having over the past while concerning work, retirement, church, and a 5-10 year plan had all been answered.  We had been given clear direction for all of them.  This was no small thing.  We had spent hours and many late nights for several months talking about these issues and just couldn't seem to gain any headway as to what we should do and how we could get help.  And then, in a day, the way was opened miraculously.

Like Peter, we had been delivered from "prison" so easily.  So simply.  A reminder that Heavenly Father is aware of us, He loves us and will be there to help us when we need him and put our faith and trust in him to direct our paths.

My testimony to you is this:  The Lord opens doors, shows us paths we didn't even know existed, enlightens our minds and delivers us from troubles from which we see no end in sight.  And he does it again and again.  We will always have times when we need direction.  When we feel lost.  If we continuously seek the Lord, and strive to live as he has commanded us (and even when we fall way way short of that), he will guide us if we seek him in prayer and humility.

...but man, that was a nice house. :)

Kid Check-In

Blogging, why are you so hard lately?  Why do I feel like I have nothing to write about?  Why do I feel like I need some sort of theme for my blog in order to actually write a post?  Well, I decided tonight that I'm just going to write about  my life, theme or not.  Right now I want to remember what my kids are doing at this stage of life.  So here's what may or may not become a regular type of blog.  Small glimpses into what my kids are doing right now.  It may only be interesting to me and them, but that's enough, right?

Caleb
Lately it seems like Caleb is all limbs.  Skinny little limbs that love to kick and jump and dance.  Want to know what it looks like?  Picture Mowgli from The Jungle Book.

This week he has been pretending to be a hippo.  When I say pretend I mean, he says he's a hippo.  He doesn't really do any hippo-like things.  The conversation in the car the other night went something like this:
Caleb:  Mom, I'm a hippo!  ...named Kwanzaa.
Me:  Okay.
C:  Wait.  I'm a hippo named Ringo Starr.
Me:  Wow.  Okay.
C:  Mom!  What is the hippo doing?
Me:  Hippo, what are you d...
C:  RINGO STARR the hippo
Me:  Ringo Starr the hippo what are you doing?
C:  I'm moving my arm up a down.

Nice.

Last week as I was putting Yemma to bed, Caleb came in and said he wanted to sing her a song before she went to bed.  He then sang "I Am A Child of God" to her.  It was pretty sweet.  Then he went to Noah in his bed and sang "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star".

Noah
Noah doesn't like pants.  I haven't figured out exactly why.  Whenever I get ready to put jeans on him he always says, "I don't yike pants" in a very strained, sad voice.

Noah officially graduated to a Big Boy Bed! last week.  He's done remarkably well transitioning into the bed (I thought for sure he'd fall out every night considering how he moved around his crib while he slept) AND into Caleb's room.  The two of them go to sleep pretty well.  We only have to go in a handful of times to remind them to stay in their beds and be quiet.

Whenever we catch Noah in the middle of doing something he knows he's not supposed to do he always responds in what we've deemed his vampire-mode.  He blocks his face, scrunches down, gives us a scowl while making a whine/yell sound.  Sometimes he runs and then does the crouch.  Sometimes he doesn't.

When he's listening to music he likes, unlike his siblings who run around the room throwing their arms around and jumping, he likes to stand and shake his head to the beat with his eyes half-closed.  Like this is a really really good song and it's almost too painful to bear.  He usually has a pained/respectful look on his face.

Writing this I'm realizing that Noah is really hard to describe.  I guess he's one of those "you've got to see it to really get it" kinds of kids.

Yemma
A month or so ago Yemma discovered how to take her pants off during her nap.  And yes, about a week or so later she discovered she could take her diaper off, too.  After catching her twice hanging out in her crib diaper and pantsless, I have decided that the only thing she can take a nap in is her footy pajamas with the zipper and snap.  She hasn't figured out snaps yet, but I'm sure it's only a matter of time.

Yemma, we've discovered, is somewhat of a party girl. I'm really not ready for these extroverted, social kids to turn into teenagers.

She loves to sing.  She'll "sing" along to songs in the car and I have to admit, it's pretty adorable.

She can say "Noah" pretty well, but for Caleb she says "Cayba".  She has quite the vocabulary for a 20 month old who only started learning and hearing English 8 months ago.   She's can say a lot of two-word sentences.  The most common ones being "Noah did!"  "Mom, peease?"  "Daddy come!"  The other day at the store she said, "Hi.  How are you?" to lady at customer service.   She is also trying to say a whole lot more and will often "talk" to me in what seems like sentence after sentence.  I'm excited and a little scared for when she can actually talk as much as she wants.

She loves shoes.  She can already put her shoes on by herself, which is good because by the time I have shoes on the boys she's already put her shoes on and taken them off about three times.  It's nice that I don't have to put them on every time she takes them off.  Otherwise she'd have one frustrated Mamma.

Random Thoughts (Friday Edition)

Lately our after-breakfast routine involves turning on the Beatles Yellow Submarine CD and jamming/playing/dancing for 45 minutes.  My kids are learning some killer dance moves and all the words to "Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds".  This pleases me.

Right now Noah and Yemma are still taking a morning nap for about 45 minutes.  This is a good thing because it means I can take a shower while Caleb watches Super Readers and Dinosaur Train.  I'm trying to figure out what to do when Noah won't take a morning nap.  This is happening soon if it hasn't already happened.  Caleb is capable of sitting on his own for 20 minutes without getting into mischief.  Noah, not so much.

Speaking of sleeping, tonight we turned Noah's bed into a Big Boy Bed! and put it in Caleb's room.  We now officially have a boy's room and girl's room.  If I don't get any sleep tonight, you'll know why.

We picked up our car tonight after getting a new transmission.  We bought the car three years ago and it needed a new one then.  We had a service contract on it that lasted for 3 years and would cover the transmission.  Yet every time we took the car in they told us the transmission was fine.  Well, two days ago when we took it in they finally told us it needed to be replaced.  And the service contract expired today.  Woot woot!  Sometimes things really do work out.

Yemma has discovered she can take off her pants and her diaper during her nap.  This does not please me.  But not so fast, little girl.  I know how to fight this battle.  And it involves duct tape.

I guess most of my random thoughts involve toddlers and sleeping.  Such is my life right now.  Doesn't everything revolve around toddlers and sleeping?

What Adoption Means

We've been talking to Caleb more and more about adoption.  We talk about how we picked him up in Florida, how excited we were when we saw him, how much we loved him, what we did with him, and stuff like that.  We talk about his birthmother and how she loves him.  He always smiles a lot when we talk about stuff like that.  But you never know what he's really understanding or picking up.

We were assigned new home teachers awhile ago and one of them is adopted.  The other night, after the home teachers had visited, Zack had this conversation with Caleb while he was getting him ready for bed:

Zack:  Caleb, did you know that Arlay (our home teacher) was adopted just like you?
Caleb:  Yeah!
Zack:  That's pretty cool, huh?  Do you know what it means to be adopted?  Do you know what adoption means?
Caleb:  Yeah.
Zack:  What does it mean?
Caleb:  It means "I love you!"

It's nice to know the message is getting across. :)

Noah!

Noah has been an Evans for 1 year, officially.

Here are a few videos of the little guy over the past year or so, for your viewing pleasure.

Waving goodbye to Grandma and Grandpa up at the cabin.


Learning to eat with a fork!


Proof that he could say "ruff ruff" and proof that it is completely adorable.


It took him a long time to sign "milk" not because he didn't know how to do it, but because he was so stubborn and would refuse to do it. Now he does it like a champ!


Wrastlin' with his bro.


Every time he'd swing or get throw in the air his legs and arms would scrunch to the left. They still do to this day when he swings on the swings. Yes, my children have adorable quirks.