Ku Mohon

It has been awhile since i was here last. There have been soooooo many things happening in my life since then. I realized that I am now facing Allah's tests. At times i felt as if I'm drowning and it makes me wonder how much more I can stand these tests.

My life was like a yo yo for these past few months. There are so many things in my mind that it is suffocating me. I am struggling to stay afloat. It is as if darkness is surrounding me and I am frantically trying to find my way out.. so melodramatic kan? But that is how I felt sometimes. Today especially. Dont know why but suddenly i felt so sad and sangat-sangat menyampah with EVERYTHING!!

I just wish I can just go somewhere in the la la land and forget everything. Its not easy being and staying strong ALL the time. But at the same time you know you cant afford not to be strong. You end up playing this strong and indestructible character to show the world nothing can touch you. So you end up feeling so drained out, all your feelings and energy squeezed from every fiber of your being.

Kumohon padamu ya Allah, tabahkan aku menghadapi semua ujianMu, sabarkan aku dgn mereka-mereka yang menyakitkan hati ini, kuatkan semangat aku berdepan hari esok dan bantulah aku di setiap langkahku ya Allah.. sesungguhnya hanya engkau kau yg lebih mengetahui..

KuMohon
Setiap Hari KuMohon Agar Kau Sentiasa
Memberiku Ketenangan Dalam Hati Kekuatan
Menempuhi Segala
Dugaan Yang Mencabar Ini
Pasti
Punya Ertinya
Engkau Beriku Harapan
Menjawab Segala Persoalan
Hadapi Semua Dalam Tenang
Dengan Merasa Kesyukuran
Ku Doa Kau Selalu
Mengawasi Gerak-geriku
Berkatilah
Kuperlu rahmat Dari Mu

Oh Tuhan
Terangkan Hati Dalam Sanubariku
Untuk menempuhi segala
hidup penuh cabaran ini
Oh Tuhan
Ku Berserah Segalanya KepadaMu
Agar Jiwaku Tenang Dengan Bimbingan Mu Selalu

Adakala ku Merasa
Hidup ini Seperti Kaca
Jikalau Tidak Bersabar
Hancur Berderailah Akhirnya
Tabahkanlah Hatiku
Melalui Semua Itu Ooh
Kuatkanlah Cekalkanlah Diriku

Oh Tuhan
Terangkan Hati Dalam Sanubariku
Untuk menempuhi segala
hidup penuh cabaran ini
Oh Tuhan
Ku Berserah Segalanya KepadaMu
Agar Jiwaku Tenang Dengan Bimbingan Mu Selalu

Curahkanlah Nikmat Mu Pada Hidupku


Enough said...

MALAS

It's been awhile since I updated my blog.. again.. Vitamin M(alas) melanda. There's so many things happening but i just dun know where to start, where to end or if i even want to write it down.

Anyways... its Ramadan.. and soon its gonna be Syawal. For some reason, this is the first ever raya that i am not looking forward to at ALL! Satu apa preparation pun tak buat lagi. Baju raya pun tak sure ada lagi. But not having baju raya is not a big deal to me. Ada baju raya pun i will still wear tshirt and jeans on 1st raya kat rumah. Tak senonoh kan? hehehe.. but i guess thats me. My mom pun tak kuasa nak cakap apa dah. Janji I pakai baju kan???

I told my mom.. NO COOKING this year. Order je. hahahha (hence the title). Every year nak raya, I will go to the market beli ayam, daging, santan, sayur, ikan, udang.. segala mak nenek la.. ALONE!! Imagine doing it dalam bulan puasa. Balik pasar nak kena dok mengadap barang2 yang dibeli pulak. UHHH letih makcik! So I decided I want to take a break this year. Told my sister and dia pun tak banyak songel and ok je. hehehe (pergh nasib baik!). She will cook kat rumah dia and bawak je all COOKED food balik Klang. Hoorayyyyyyy!

Less cleaning!! Which I like! The only thing I need to do is rebus nasi impit jer. Ya Allah.. malasnya saya tahun ini!!! But what can I say... macam tu la.. hehehe..

Dah la Raya Haji nanti I will not be celebrating at home. But this will not be the 1st time I am celebrating raya puasa and raya haji alone. Orang lain raya sensorang coz they are overseas.. but in my case.. I raya sorang di MALAYSIA because ALL my family member went overseas or balik kg mertua (tak kan i nak ikut pulak kan). My mom and second brother kat US sebab my sis in law gave birth.. my sis kat Korea study and my eldest bro pulak balik Taiping rumah mertua (dia and sis in law of coursela ajak.. but i malas skit nak duk rumah orang)... and end up berhari raya sorang!! hehehee..

Malam raya I kemas rumah.. and bila takbir jer.. menangis2 sedih hiba gilos heheheh. Then goreng hot dog sepaket makan sensorang! Adusss.. tragis sungguh rasa masa tuh. Tetiba pulak ingat cerita lama. hehehe..

Welll.. this year I kena pegi Langkawi for LIMA (again!!! capek!!). Another 2 weeks in Langkawi. Aduss.. since I will be in the 1st group yang pergi.. all 5 of us akan raya haji di sana. Its a mixed feeling la i guess. But of course.. i sedih sebab kesian kat my mom la. On the other hand.. would be interesting gak.. raya ngan office mate termasuk my buddy yang first time going to LIMA bekerja. Siapa dia.. nanti akan saya reveal di lain entry.

TIME FLIES...

It's been awhile since I last updated my blog. Dah penuh sawang! Abuk jangan cakap lah... I was really not in the mood for the past few months to actually sit down and update my blog. So many things happened since my last update.

Alhamdulillah.. my mom is now much much better. But very the degil and insisted that she wants to leave at home.. even if she has to stay alone. She refused point blank to stay with any of my brothers or sister's house. Kalau budak kecik dah lama i rotan2 sebab degil sgt. hehheheh..

So.. we are now frantically looking for maid. Aiyoooo.. so the very difficult to get one nowadays especially bila tau nak jaga orang tua. Also... the fact that the indonesians now ni prefer working kat kilang, jadi cleaner or jadi sales gal. Yang nak jadi maid is really very difficult to get. They are getting smarter and the fact that they can get more money out there does not help. But i guess.. if we are in their shoes.. we would feel the same i suppose. Buat pe keje mati2 kat umah orang and end up getting about RM500 per month in comparison to getting more than RM1K a month.

I was told if senang pun now nie are maids from Sri Lanka. Language barrier la pulak. These people has zero malay and English! Macam itik ngan ayam laks communication nanti. HARU! Especially bila kena take care of my mum.. tentulah haru biru merah kuning jadinya!

So now nie.. tengah pujuk my mum gegiler so that she would agree to stay at my sister's place in Seremban. Hopefully... my sis n BIL can pujuk. AMINNNNNNNNNNN..

On another note.. Monday, 20th April 09.. I was admitted into Pantai hospital for suspected appendix at about midnite. The surgeon, Dr Peter visited me at 4.30 am (gilos ke apa!). Despite being admitted, doctors (i had 3 doctors attending to me .. hehehe) were puzzled themselves coz i did NOT have the normal symptoms like high fever.. vomiting or even severe pain. I was like a guinea pig sebab they had to do few tests to determine what was really wrong before proceeding with the surgery. Tak nak la pulak dah potong baru tau .. ooo its not appendix.. its SOMETHING ELSE!! Memang ade jugak yang aku sue nanti! Angah, Liz, Wan and Yus came over to see me masa lunch. Thanks guys.. Kesian they all.. baru datang i dah kena wheel pegi do more tests! But.. THANKS GUYS!

After all the gedebuk gedebak.. my white blood count was high than normal.. and the fact the pain (yang tak severe tuh) was only concentrated at the appendix area. So the Dr Peter came and see me at 8 pm on Tuesday nite.. terus cakap.. we will wheel you in at 9.. despite the agreement we had earlier (i paksa Dr agree .. told him i needed time to prepare myself) to have the surgery the next morning!!! Jiza pulak dengan bagus and baik hatinya agree with the Dr Peter!! OITTTT!!!!! So I was outnumbered and dengan hati yang sgt tidak puas hati and terpaksa (Jiza was laughing all the way.. SUKANYER!!!) had to get ready for the surgery!! ADOI!!!

Everybody was around except my sister and family. Meriah betul masa i was about to be wheeled into the OT. After salam ngan semua (yelah.. mane lah tau kan.. :) ) terus kena tolak.. masa nie dah laluk dah.. sebab kena jab. Takut jugak.. tapi sebab highkan.. mcm tgh terbang je la rasanya. I was lucky masa kat OT coz there was 2 malay guys. Before they put me "out" (hahaha.. mcm nak kena murder jer) one of them asked me to mengucap and selawat.. then baru kasik i OUT!

When i first woke up.. i was in panic coz i cannot breath! PANIC GILER masa ni! I was struggling but i cant move much, open my eyes or even talk! Dalam hati sempat jugak cakap ape ke bodoh nurses nie.. tak kan tak tau im struggling.. nak mati nie.. aku tak leh nafas!! After few moments.. aku dengar .. dont move.. dont move.. relax.. Sempat lagi pikir.. what you mean dont move!!! i cant breath u idiots!! DO SOMETHING!!! Ada la orang datang urut my hands.. but i was really struggling to breath!

TO be continued..

AIYOOOOooo...

My life was in chaos for the last few weeks!! Had the greatest scare and it's actually something I have been anticipating to happen for quite some time now. And it finally happened on 20 February 2009. My mom was found unconscious on the kitchen floor by my niece. From then on, my emotions have been like a roller coster.

My mom look so fragile nowadays and I find that I am actually bracing myself for any possibilities. Seriously, i hate feeling this way!! But I am so thankful and grateful to both my SIL for their readiness to take care of my mom while I am at work. Whenever I think of my mom, I always have to hold back my tears. Entahla... Im going crazy. Dont know what to feel.. what to think.. what to do.. I just pray that Allah will give me more years to be with her. AMIN.

BORED...

Bored... bored.. bored... is my mantra despite Monday gonna be a public holiday due to Thaipusam .. vell vell.. vell vell.. and its a Friday today. I've been toying with the idea of maybe just going somewhere.. anywhere!! as long as its a totally different environment. I am even contemplating nak lepak kat KL jer... Its that BAD!! Thought of just checking into Crown Regency Hotel and lepak 2 malam ke. GILOS dah aku nie!

Why Crown Regency you might ask. Well.. I've been a patron of this hotel since 2000. On average I would stay here about 4-5 nights a year. Just love the rooms. It has all the comfort of a home. It has real size fridge with microwave, a living and dining area and FLAT screen TV in ALL their rooms. The smallest room is their studio suite. (wat dee.. mcm sales pitch plak.. hahaha.. )

At least when you stay here, tak la rasa claustrophobia. Their one bedroom apt is really big and comfortably fit about 5-6 people at any time. I've yet to stay kat their 2 and 3 bedroom where they even have kitchen hob. Those with families and staying here lama i would recommend that they stay here.

Walking distance (between 5 mins - 10 mins) to KLCC, KL tower and maybe about 10-15 mins to Bkt Bintang. Those yg suka clubbing.. dekat sesangat kat Zouk (not that im promoting okeh!) heheh.

Harga?? Welll.. i would say ok la kot. Studio suite is about RM220. Sometimes they have this promotion studio suite and 1 bedroom apt is the same price.. 2 and 2 bedroom same price.. camtu lah.

Apa yang buat I makin suka tempat ni?? Welll.. they just refurbished the rooms and its very modern and nice la.. especially the studio suite.

Lagi satu I suka is Holiday Villa Kuala Lumpur. Very contemporary interior. Love it! Amenities lebih kurang kat Crown Regency. Walking distance to Victoria Station kat jln ampang. So its location tak menarik sangat la.

Pelikkan.. for someone who is just leaving about 1 hr drive from KL suka sangat stay kat hotels in KL. All i can say is.. I will have my space.. new environment without having to go through a long drive to and fro. Lagipun.. anytime I do this.. i would rather have a very relaxing time.. no rush.. lepak kat klcc or bukit bintang. But being the pemalas me.. I drive to these places! hehehe

Usually i will buy loads and loads of food.. freeze it up.. then panaskan jer bila nak makan. So far bila i ajak sesaper lepak ngan I.. no takers. hehehe.. its either they dont like spending time with me.. or maybe they think Im kukuuu. Adelak ajak stay kat hotel in KL!!! GILOS APA KAK ZAI NIE!! The only people i belum ajak are my nephews and nieces.. hahha.. sebab nak elak kecik hati.. maneleh bawak semua skali!!! Hotel rooms mampu lagi nak bayar.. but bab MAKAN depa tuh.. sesilap kena ambik personal loan!!! hahahaha.. melampau kan i nie!! hehehe..

Welll.. what do you know.. doing this posting has restored my humuor (until someone annoy me la!!). Selalunya it would be work related la!! And since I am at work.. the possibility of it happening is GREAT!!

Panjang laks posting nie. I guess I am allowed la.. 1st.. its MY BLOG.. 2nd.. with the tahap kemalasan tahap gaban nak update blog.. sesekali tulis biar la panjang lebar.. ye dok?

C.I.N.T.A

“Bersyukurlah kalau orang cinta kita kerana perasaan itu datang dari Tuhan. Jangan marah kalau orang benci kita dengan tiba-tiba kerana ia juga dengan izin Tuhan. Cinta dan benci memang satu misteri.”

How interesting and how true. I don't think any of us can really explain what, why, how, when CINTA will come knocking or go out of the window. Bunyi macam pelik kan? But at this age.. I am still trying to understand how CINTA really works! Why is it.. when we think we love that special someone, they end up hurting us the most or WE end up hurting them.

I just had this very interesting conversation with Angah when we were in PD recently. We were wondering why is it that we are still single.. when Allah menjadikan manusia ni berpasang- pasang (we are not complaining... just trying to find answers). We both agreed that there must be few reasons why we still tak jumpa our pasangan.

1. Belum jodoh we all lagi... in the mean time.. kena la rajin berdoa.. :)
2. Our pasangan dah kembali ke rahmatullah - possible kan... ajal maut di tangan Tuhan. Kata Angah.. mane la tau kak zai.. pasangan kita tu mat rempit.. (aiyaaaaaaa)
   
3. Our pasangan kat overseas ke.. and that's the reason why we need to travel soon.. hehhe.. nak kena carik pasangan yang dok belayar! (we have this standard joke.. bila masa raya ke apa ke.. we would say our husband asyik oversea je.. sibuk .. sbb tu asyik tak de... carik duit nak bagi nafkah.. hehehe.. btw.. our husbands business partner!)
   
4. Our pasangan dah kawin ngan orang lain.. (sediih nie)

What do you think? Have you ever wondered the same? Interesting kan...

Wellll... I am 42 this year.. and I think there must be a reason why I am still single. I guess.. maybe Allah has other plans for me. For now.. since my mom is alone at home.. and need someone to take care of her.. I guess.. me being single would be the best option. Imagine if I were to marry someone at this age.. and my husband ajak duk sendiri.. what would happen to my mom. Susah tu! But being human... there will be time when you want what others have.. hubby and children and you do get frustrated.

But what Manisah (my sis in law) told me always manage to make me feel better.. "tak pe susah sikit sekarang nie.. if anything were to happen nanti.. kita tak menyesal sebab dah puas jaga mak dalam semua keadaan. Reward from Allah always comes in mysterious ways. Sabar je."

You see.. she's been there.. done that with her mom. Her mom was already wheel chair bound and not even speaking much when she took her to perform the haj. My mom told me.. Manisah would bath and prepare her mom with whatever was necessary before leaving for the mosque. Her mom pass away kat sana. But she told me.. she has no regrets sebab she has done her best to take care of her mother. In her case it was even worst coz her siblings lansung tak tolong. At least.. I have all the help i needed.

Wah.. melalut laks sampai sini. Welll.. back to CINTA. Cinta itu buta? Cinta itu air mata? Cinta itu sakit? People said CINTA is wonderful.. is it really? What say you?

MY BELOVED ONES...

I have always been very grateful and thankful to Allah to bless my family with 13 beloved ones. They are my nephews and nieces.. 6 boys and 7 gals. All of them unique and lovely and i LOVE them to death!! Nazim, Zafeeq, Wani, Along, Nina, Syaza, Aboy, Meera, Amie, Yaya, Hirzan, Kimie and Nani.

Allah may not give me children of my own... but i've been blessed with these wonderful people in my live. Sound sooooo corny to some people.. but to me.. they are my most beloved ones. What brings this on today you may ask... emo laks tetiba kan.. hehehe

Wellll.. when Jiza came back from her UK trip, her sis Anis asked if she knows of any nice gal that she can introduce to this nice man who's currently working in Glasgow as System Analyst. Immediately Jiza thot of Wani. You see... Jiza and i have always agreed that Wani is really a sweet, patient and a very very NICE gal. So.. last nite Ii received a call from Jiza to get a picture of Wani so that she can send it to Anis and in turn.. Anis will show the picture to the nice guy in Glasgow.

SO this morning.. I was looking thru my pix folders to find Wani's pix. And I was browsing.. there's this whole load of pix of them hugging and laughing with each other irregardless of age and gender. All 13 of them have always been close to each other. Let say today baru jumpa.. esok if jumpa again.. the screams, laughter, non-stop chatter... god!! u would think dah bertahun2 tak jumpa!

Another example.. last Friday.. my eldest bro n family (Wani) just came back from Sarawak. Jiza n family, myself and Wani and her siblings dah x jumpa about 3 weeks. I decided to take them all out for dinner (10 of us). Lepas dinner my mom sibuk nak balik.. so we went to the car.. and noting new.. kat kereta.. dok chit chat lagi tak henti.. even my MOM (yg nak balik sgt tu kan!). So.. these people managed to persuade the nenek to adjourn kat umah Jiza to sambung the chit chat!! And what do you know?? NENEK DEPA SETUJU!!!

Tiba umah Jiza.. it was already 1.30am. My mom trus masuk bilik Syaza and tido. They mula buka lap top and tgk gamba UK trip. Since i did that on New Year eve.. where I did not sleep until about 9 am the next day sebab tak abis yacking ngan Jiza. hehehe. So i skip that pix session and fell asleep at about 2.30 kot. Off and On i terjaga bila depa gelak tak hengat. At about 5ish i terjaga... and Jiza, Wani and Meera was still going strong berborak. Wah!!.. tak leh jadi nie... I miss about 3 hrs of borak and ended up joining them.

At about 8 am.. we all dah lapa.. so i went out with Wani and Meera carik breakfast. At about 9ish.. kejut everybody.. breakfast semasa and my bro pulak masa tu baru sampai from Amsterdam.. so good timing la. We end up chit chat kat dining table tuh sampai kul 1.30pm!! GILER!! Jiza, Wani and Meera tak tido lansung!!! Hebat!! By that time my MOM dah heboh nak balik dah.. so TERPAKSA la balik.. hehehe..

Anyways... going back to my beloved ones... I have always enjoyed my time with them. I love going shopping, holiday or just chill kat gerai or restaurant and just sit and eat and talk. But .. kena make sure i have ample cash.. hahahah.. bukan sebab apa.. THEY HAVE HEALTHY APPETITE!! heheheh.

The wonderful thing about my beloved ones is that... they are really good with their grandmother. I am not saying that they are perfect.. OF COURSE NOT! But again.. who's perfect? But in their imperfections... they are wonderful. Ada yang buruk.. but yang baik definitely cover the bad. Lagipun.. if not family... who else would accept our "evil" (hehehe) side. Right?

I am just saying that... I am a lucky person..

I have my mom.. who is 78 yrs old.. but leh bawak makan pizza, kfc, mcD, chilli's... yang akan bising bila i balik lewat but at the same time will not stop me going places alone. She's suffering from alzheimer at the moment.. but her fighting spirit is obviously there.. and this is where my beloved ones are wonderful.. sabar giler ngan nenek depa.

I have 2 brothers yang tak kepochi... as long as I am happy.. then people can say what they want about me and they dont care.

I have 1 sister and 1 bro in law... whom i can turn to whenever i have a problem and are wonderful and romantic couple! hehehe.. my bro in law still call my sis like 4-5 times a day.. just to ask.. tengah buat apa? boleh??? jeles kan!! heheh

I have 2 sister in laws who are really really wonderful, fantabulous and out of this world. They definitely are a god send and I dont even see them as my in laws but more like my own sister. Since my sis is in Seremban and both brothers are always away.. so these 2 wonderful people yang help me with my mom.

I guess... come what may... I pray that Allah will always bless us all and keep us safe from everything bad. AMIN.