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A place to ask if you were, in fact, the asshole in a particular situation. AITAH is a judgment sub, not one to ask for opinions or advice. Relationships and hypotheticals (would I be the asshole if) are allowed. Do not use AI in any form, even for editing or translation - if you have to ask if it's AI, don't use it. An elaboration on our rules can be found here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/wiki/index
My partner (45M) and myself (49F) have been dating for 3 years. After one year of dating, I relocated to be close to him, moving nearly 2000 miles.
In the two years since I’ve been here he refuses to introduce me to his family, using reasons like, “They won’t like that you’re divorced”, “they won’t like that your previous business had bad reviews”, “they won’t like your political views” etc. There is always some excuse. Normally this wouldn’t be a problem, except he spends nearly all his spare time taking care of his elderly parents, and since I’m a “secret” he only manages to find time for me once or twice a month which is NOT satisfactory to me.
I have been telling him for the last two years, if either one of your parents die before you get around to introducing me, we are over, but I don’t think it sinks in. Just whenever I bring it up, he says, “Right now is not the best time.” And of course, as elderly people get older and more frail they get MORE complicated, not less, so I feel that these are just excuses. Most recently, he told me he was “Uncomfortable with the fact that I don’t inquire about his parents” often enough, to which I said, “Why should I be concerned about strangers?”
The whole issue is making me angrier and angrier and I can’t stop thinking about how he is going to be blindsided by me saying goodbye when one day he calls me to say his father has passed away, and yet he is going to deserve it. AITAH for feeling this way?
UPDATE/ EDIT: I should add that I’m NOT his sexual partner as it’s against my Catholic beliefs, and also clarify that I’m both civilly divorced and have a Catholic Church annulment (I didn’t say that originally because I thought the distinctions of those two things would be lost on a general audience.)
However, I definitely fill a need for companionship and attention and appreciation, as he does for me too.
I’ve broken off with him probably a DOZEN times over the last three years only to end up coming back when subsequent relationships are even worse. Some examples: 1) one guy I grew really close to ended up telling me he’s “kinda gay”; 2) another guy I totally could have seen myself marrying confessed he was COMPLETELY impotent (so that’s “a Hard No” from me, Dawg!!); 3) another guy had misrepresented his finances and debts; 4) another guy, who via text and phone and video chat was the sweetest fellow in the world, when we finally met in person filled our ENTIRE weekend with backhanded digs about my weight, my face, my hair, my clothes, the presents I bought him, etc etc. (and everyone is gonna think this is made up, and I don’t blame you, because that last guy was Believe it Or Not, a MARRIAGE COUNSELLOR!!!!!).
So YES I broke up LOTS of times, but YES came back just as many times.
Because it’s HARD OUT THERE. To be vulnerable and start from scratch with a stranger. To KNOW that I’m not a beautiful, 122 lb twenty-year old with a perfect face and body.
Because every time I left and then someone else disappointed me or was mean to me, it was great to come back to someone who I KNEW and felt I had an established friendship with, someone who has NEVER told me I’m anything except beautiful and desirable.
But YES I get that I’m an idiot. But easier to see when you’re not living inside it, anyways. Thank you for all the feedback.
SECOND EDIT: Another important factor I didn’t really explain in the first part is that the “silver lining” to this bad relationship decision is that I actually left a job I despised every minute of (I had promised myself I was only taking it for two years and ended up getting stuck in it for twelve and it was the most miserable years of my life), and with the move I scored my dream job that I love every minute of. AND I earn about 50% MORE in the new job, which is so awesome I would literally do it for free!
So YES I will move WHEREVER I find my future husband, but what I’ll miss will be this exciting and amazing job that the most thrilling thing I’ve ever been a part of!
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