Black and White

We moved here almost 12 years ago.  We finally had a backyard and we had been wanting to get a dog.  We checked the paper and found an ad for Border Collie puppies. So we drove in our blue truck to this house in the small town near us.  They had many, many puppies, it was like 101 Dalmations for Border collies, it must have been a big litter!  We told them we wanted a boy dog, so they took all the females and put them in another fenced in yard they had and we just looked at the boys.  They ran around like crazy, black and white, black and white, brown and white.  We chose the smallest boy, and I held him and he was so cute.  I remember sitting in the little backseat of the truck and holding him, and he went potty on the way home. He was very scared.  I was too, but also excited.

The next morning, when we got up, he was gone.  He had snuck out under the fence in the front yard!  We looked and looked, and then decided to go in the house and get the keys for the car, but when we came out, there he was, across the street, sitting on his little puppy bottom looking up at the neighbor's front door.  Are you my house? 

This was the first of millions of escapes.  So we brought him home and thought we should give him a name, so if he got lost again we'd have a name for the poster.  Chuck thought Rebel was a good name for a boy dog, and we agreed on it. 

Well, some weeks went by.  One time I thought to myself, when Rebel rolled over, is this right? I looked at Chuck and we raised our eyebrows, and shrugged.  I guess so!

We went to the Vet several times for shots.  The second time we went I saw a little boy puppy, and I thought, you know, that boy puppy doesn't look like my boy puppy!  So I felt really weird and when I came home, my brother in law Cliff was there.  I told him I was wondering about Rebel.  My puppy was playing on the grass and rolled on his back, and Cliff looked up at me and we were both astonished.  This is a girl!

Well, I went in the house and cried over my lost puppy Rebel.  He was gone! He didn't exist!  He was a girl.  

A few days later I went to the mall, and walked into the bookstore and went in the back and found a baby names book.  I looked under "R" to find a name similar to Rebel.  And there is was.  Risa.  It means laughter in Spanish.  I think it is the MOST beautiful name.  When I went home, I took Risa out to run in the field behind our house, called her Risa, and she was agreeable as usual, and she's been Risa ever since.

When we told our families and friends that our dog was really a girl, they laughed and teased us a little. I told them, well, you all met her!  Nobody noticed it, not even the vet!  Ha ha

Beautiful Girl

Here is my girl in her new Samoan dress. Our friends came to visit from Utah and brought it for her. Whenever I see her like this, I am amazed at how beautiful she is, and I suddenly remember where she comes from. She is ours, she is our family, our daughter, but then she puts on this dress, and there is this quality, something that is different, something we don't have, that she has. I guess that's adoption. As Ponyo's mother says, "The world is a strange and wonderful place." Or something like that. I never remember the exact quote, but I agree with it. The world is a strange and wonderful place, and people are complicated and amazing. I'm glad we are who we are.

Words, words, words

Words mean everything. What if you couldn't say them? What if you couldn't tell your mom about someone at school, or tell your parents what you want or that you see the moon outside the car window. (The boom, Mom, the boom.)

Tonight Miriam was saying someone's name. We thought she was saying her babysitter's name, which was the first name she learned to say. But I suddenly realized she was saying the name of a BOY in her class! He rides the bus with her! She was so happy to be saying his name, she said it over and over. Then she said the name of a little girl who also rides on the bus, and happily repeated those names. She spilled them out like she had been saving them up. She bounced around on the couch and then got up and danced a little.

No Excuses, No Apologies

On Monday I had my first harp lesson in almost three years. It was thrilling. I am still excited.

I found out that the harp camp I went to last year at University of Redlands is on again this summer. I can't go to camp again without having some lessons! Last summer I met a harp teacher who said I could come for lessons twice a month, but this year has been so busy, with Miriam adjusting to kindergarten, that I felt like I couldn't do it. It's an hour drive each way. But now I decided I better spring into action. So I emailed the teacher and she said I could start up this week, and I went on Monday.

The night before, I was silent. Chuck said, "Why are you comatose?" I said it was because I was tired, and nervous about my lesson. He said, "Well, just remember, no excuses, no apologies, that's what you always say." Ha! I was already planning some excuses and apologies in my head. So I had to agree with him.

No excuses, no apologies!

My teacher told me to bring everything I had, so I brought a pile of music and we looked at it and decided what to start on. I was so glad to have some direction, and some assignments and work to do. Chuck texted me right as I got to her house. "Remember you are very good." How lucky I am to have him!

Here is some of the stuff she told me.

First song, "Dreams." Play softer! This is not a nightmare, it's a dream! Play the glissandos softer on the right hand so you can hear the harmonics on the left. It's almost too fast. It should be dreamlike.

"Two Guitars." This is a good song for people who read novels (like me). Think of gypsies gathering around a campfire. At the end, they are leaping and dancing around the fire. Play the end fast, like a bat out of hell.

Scales: Look at the chords at the end of each scale. I was having trouble playing them. She said, what's the same about each chord? The top note stays the same, only moves once. Once I saw that the pattern was easy.

"Le Bon Petit Roi D'Yvetot:" She reminded me to play the piece as slow as the part I'm having trouble with, not start out fast and hit a brick wall and slow down. Many of the directions are in French. M.G. means left hand, M.D. means right hand. Rall. means rallantando, which I thought was like rallying, so I was speeding up and getting louder, and it means to slow down. She said all the words that start with R mean to slow down, like Ritardando. She reminded me this is a French children's tune, like Ring Around the Rosy, and at the end to picture the kids dancing, dancing, and all falling down. Play the end as fast as possible, without losing control, like a bat out of hell.

That is so great, I like saying that, like a bat out of hell. It makes me feel powerful. The harp is powerful. Towards the end she said, "Are you happy?" Oh yeah. I am.

The Soup Lid

Well hello, blog. How are you? I haven't seen you for a while.

Yesterday I had an exciting moment. I picked up the mail. Oh, the possibilities. What will be in there today? And I hadn't done it for a few days, so there was a stack of mail.

I brought it in the house and piled it on our bed. Chuck was sitting next to the bed playing video games and supervised as Miriam and I sorted through the pile. So many pictures of food for Miriam to point out! I was excited because I had seen a small brown padded envelope with my mom's writing on it. As I pulled it out of the pile, my fingers could feel a round shape inside the envelope.

Aha! The soup lid. A while ago after my mom had been sick, I took them some soup in one of those round reusable containers. I went to visit last Sunday, and Mom said, "What do I have to give to you?" as I was leaving. The soup container! But she couldn't find the lid. I said, "that's okay, maybe we have a spare lid at home." We always have lids with no containers and containers with no lids. So I went home, and yesterday the lid appeared in the mail.

This week I am helping with our ward roadshow and on Wednesday we had a dress rehearsal. I was so wound up afterwards I couldn't sleep that night, and so I had a big nap yesterday. Then when it was time to go to sleep last night, I was laying awake in bed. Ever since I was little, sometimes late at night when I try to go to sleep the anxiety level is too high. If I close my eyes the world gets huge and dark and I feel disoriented. If I open my eyes everything comes into focus and gets small again. That happened last night. I felt so nervous but was so tired, and everytime I closed my eyes I would feel that huge swooping anxiety.

So I thought, maybe I should get back up. Hot chocolate. Novel. So I reached over to my bedside table for my glasses, and my hand rested on a round shape. The soup lid. All of a sudden I smiled. Mom sent me the soup lid in a brown envelope in the mail! I smiled. And all of a sudden felt better. In the light from my clock I looked at the round lid. After a while I was able to go to sleep.

Bleep bloop!

Bleep bloop, says Dad. Bleep bloop, says Mom. Boop Boop, says Miriam. That is how Dad entertains us in the car while driving to Auntie Marie's house. We laugh, because it is so funny.

I wrote previously about beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed, and yesterday experienced some of that. I got to play the harp with the stake choir for stake conference, so I was up on the stand for the practice and then the meeting, and Chuck sat with Miriam down below. After conference was over I started packing up my stuff, and suddenly there was this flash of white and there was Miriam, in her beautiful white dress.

Mama! She put her arms around me and hugged with all her might and her face was lit up, her eyes squinted shut.

Mama! Mama! She hugged me tightly and I was so happy to see her.

And that is the glorious gift that we have every day. We get to see the grins and the squinted up face. We hear the laughing and the clapping and the hurrays. We get to see her take her umbrella to the car for the birthday party at Aunt Marie's. We get to see her load up her backpack, purse, and blanket to go pick up her friends from school. And after she goes potty, sometimes she is so proud and happy she comes back to me and signs potty and cries, "Hurray!"and hugs me. The happiness spills out and her body hums.

Thank you. Thank you. Hurray.

"Life Is Like an Old-time Rail Journey"

My mom sent me a copy of an LDS Church News article from May 23, 2009, which quotes President Hinckley, who shared the following from a 1973 Deseret News column.

"Anyone who imagines that bliss is normal is going to waste a lot of time running around shouting that he's been robbed.

"Most putts don't drop. Most beef is tough. Most children grow up to be just people. Most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration. Most jobs are more often dull than otherwise.

"Life is like an old-time rail journey -- delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride."



I love those beautiful vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. We have had a few of those in the last few years, but the delays, sidetracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts come along all too often, and in one of those moments a few weeks ago, I was feeling discouraged and thought that I might need a little therapy. There are times when I get scared and worry about our daughter. When she gets mad and kicks and yells and fights, I think, what in the world are we going to do? We just want her to be happy. Will she be okay when she grows up? What will happen when she is a teenager? Don't even think about that! So I thought about therapy. Maybe that would help me deal with the doubts and fears and sorrow of having a child with special needs.

Then I remembered a new book I had heard about, The Year My Son and I Were Born, and decided to order it. Maybe it would help. Maybe it would be therapy. I read the book and it made me think of so many things, and raised so many questions and was written in such an honest way that I thought I better write down what I learned and thoughts that I had. So that's what I'll do.

And it's not all about the dust and the cinders. There are amazing vistas and thrilling bursts of speed. Like on Saturday, when we went to the movies with Miriam. We saw Ice Age, and Miriam really liked it. At one point one of the characters is disgusted with somebody and says, "Hello!" (like a smack on the forehead). So Miriam shouts out, "Hay-yo!" Then later Miriam shouted "Hoo-way!" during something exciting, and I thought, How great is that. Who does that? We laughed and then told her to be quiet. Then today I asked Miriam if she wanted to wear this shirt or that shirt, and she said, "This one." I looked at her in wonder. I've never heard her say that before. I told Chuck and we looked at each other and nodded. All right.