some pictures lately and not so lately

i grabbed a couple of rolls of film and decided to finally develop them.
i'm a liiiiiittle rusty in the manual photography area. as in most of these are pretty badly over or underexposed and my complete disregard for light is fairly obvious. need to re-teach myself.

first, some christmas.

Elsie refused to wear the angel costume for the nativity so wes stepped in.

and then ash's blessing day

because twelve noon is obviously the best time to take pictures holes for eyes

arntsen men.
looks like i finally decided to pay attention to the light meter here.

ash lawrence

let's talk about this little one.

the newest member of the fam. ash lawrence. aka the sweetest baby everrrrr.

ash was born on february 5. his birth story is fairly similar to elsie's. i was CONVINCED i'd go early even though i acted like i didn't expect it. his due date came and went. i had loads of false labor. one night the contractions where consistent and lasted for about 3 hours before dying off. i got progressively grumpier and tried all forms of induction. on monday night megan was staying with us and used all the essential oils we could think of to get stuff going. it started more "false" labor  but nothing else.

wes had tuesday off. we walked a ton, went to the mall, ate so much bad food probably. around 10 when we were watching the office i started to get contractions again. because of all the false labor i'd had before, i had a hard time getting excited about it. the contractions died off around 12. we went to bed.

around 2 i woke up with some cramping. i remember just being so tired and so tired of being pregnant and so anxious to meet baby boy. i prayed that i know it's not up to me if He could somehow work it so this would be real, that would be great. you guys i know i need to edit that sentence but it's just not happening.

so they didn't die off. i took a shower; they kept going. i let wes know what was up but let him sleep. i went out and watched gilmore girls, working through each contraction. they were about a minute long and four minutes apart. some were rough, some weren't. around 5 i decided to go lie down and try to sleep through what i could because they weren't exactly getting worse; i didn't know how long this labor was going to go on.

once in bed, i got hit with a couple of doozies. i woke wes up and we decided to go into the hospital because i tested positive for group b, so i had to have an IV. i was nervous about going in earlier, worried that it would slow my labor down, nervous about laboring there, worried about interventions, etc. megan was staying with us so we woke her up to listen for els, and we headed to the hospital around 7.

the whole way to the hospital i only had 2 or 3 contractions. i remember thinking they were going to send me home when i got there. i thought i'd barely be dilated. i was still able to talk and joke between contractions. when we went to the hospital when i had els, i was pretty deep into what was going on, but this time wasn't so intense.

i got there and the nurse took her time checking me in. i could tell she didn't think i was in labor. i had to lean on the counter during contractions, but i was fine. they took me to triage and checked me.

to all of our surprises--an 8! the nurses started moving a little more quickly. they were so awesome by the way. i wanted to stand up during contractions and they arranged everything so i could be in whatever position i wanted, even during all the monitoring, IV-ing, etc. i loved loving my nurses instead of resenting them or feeling like i was fighting them. they were so sweet and accommodating.

after one nurse botched my IV and blood squirted everywhere (she was new and nervous. she kept apologizing and i ended up having to comfort her. really i just wanted her to stop talking.) another one put it in the worst place possible on my wrist, rendering that hand completely useless. i digress.

the next little while i just hung out in the room, working through contractions when they came, but still talking with everyone (wes, my mom, my midwife) between. my midwife offered to break my waters to try to get things going. i was reluctant but did. still didn't feel an urge to push, but we started trying that out anyway.

there was one point here where i think i was finally going through transition but i felt so calm and so connected to ash. i was like living the dream birthing video. i asked wes to put on bon iver because it was the least obnoxious music i could think of (he probably thought differently). i worked through some contractions and just felt awesome and happy and pretty peaceful.

but then sh.got real.

now for the really gross part of labor right? when i started REALLY pushing, i about lost it. my midwife was so patient and let me be in whatever position i wanted, but did suggest that i get on my hands and knees and finally my side to push him out. the cord was wrapped around his neck and he was coming down kind of sideways, so if you were wondering, it felt like my body was being RIPPED IN HALF. i really started panicking because i couldn't tell if we were making any progress and i reached that point i reached last time where i wondered what they were going to do because i didn't see how in the world i could actually push this human out of me. i whined, "is he almost here? is it almost over??" my midwife said "yes you're almost done!" "DO YOU PROMISE??" i was so pathetic.

weston and my mom were so great during all of it. i think i almost broke weston's hand (one of the few things you see portrayed in TV births that's actually true to life), but everyone stayed very calm and encouraging, which is all you can really ask of someone when they are watching you completely fall apart.

but we all made it! he was born, and they let me hold him on my chest for awhile. sweet baby. he was pretty blue and having a hard time trying to cry because he had so much fluid in his lungs. they took him away to the nursery pretty quickly and then the fun part came. you know. the stitching, the kneading on your stomach, the pitocin to stop bleeding, etc. not going to lie. i was done being brave. i just kept asking the nurses what they were doing why why why that hurts stoooop. the best part of labor is actually hanging with your baby right after, so it's pretty tough when they take them away. wes went with him to the nursery, so that was even worse. luckily my mom was there and held my hand while i was the biggest baby ever.

we met back up in my hospital room, and got to spend some time together. megan brought elsie, who was more interested in graham crackers at the time i had then"baby brudder." her feelings have since changed. the first thing she asks every morning is, "baby brudder seeping?" she loves on him, thinks he's funny, and is very good at almost smothering him with his binky.

i feel like i may have painted this birth in a negative light, which is something i don't want to do. i don't want to scare people off natural birth. i labored for about 6-7 hours, and the only part that was crazytown was the last 30 minutes. you can have a natural birth if you want to and the circumstances are right. and it's an awesome, irreplaceable experience. having a baby, no matter how it gets here, is an awesome, irreplaceable experience. i'm not trying to contribute to the horror stories, but like my sister in law brooke told me before i had elsie, "after birth you're going to feel one of two ways. you'll say to yourself, "that's it?" or more of a whimpering, "i don't think i ever want to do that again." Elsie's birth was in the first group, mostly because i think i didn't know what to expect so i expected the absolute worse. with ash, i was probably a little more cocky and was blindsided by it at the end.  it was a weird birth because it was so easy going and "is this even really happening? am i progressing? i feel fine? can i have some coke? oohh let's listen to bon iver and have a moment" for 95% of it, then suddenly "what in the hell is happening to my body." there wasn't build up like there was with elsie. maybe that's why i reacted so dramatically. who knows.
anyway. birth story documented. phew.

for some reason this is the only picture from the hospital i can find on the computer. worries me a little. still working out that whole photo stream thing.

in the meantime, ash is the sweetest, happiest baby. weston and i were both so ready for a terror baby because elsie was so easy, but ash is just happy to be here. happy to be with you, happy to be staring at a gross khaki couch cushion right in his face, happy to let his sister almost crush him with her love, happiest to listen to weston sing. he's two months old now, sleeping through the night, nursing well, cooing, smiling, and snuggling. all those great things that come with being two months old. we lug him around everywhere like we did with els, and he's pretty easy going. so far. i realize he's still pretty new so the fact that he'll sleep anywhere, anytime isn't exactly novel, but i'm still grateful.

but yeah we think he's pretty great.

having two kids is the best. i am happiest lately when i'm just hanging with weston, elsie, and ash. i can't explain what i want to say, but when your family grows you just feel like your team is growing. the team of people you don't ever really get sick of, who always get your jokes (because ash loves my jokes. you know what i mean.), who want to listen to all the same songs, and who love you the most. it's just such a great happy feeling to have that to retreat to any time other people or situations become too much.

p.s. no, the idea for his name did not come from pokemon. my nephews are thrilled though.

my job

by the time i posted this i figured it out (resilient) (i think?).
but tell me you had any idea what this kid was asking at first glance.

in other news... is there anything as luxurious as taking a hot shower at 2 p.m.?

right up there with going to the grocery store by myself.

scary mom voice

seriously nothing makes you feel worse than yelling at your kid.

and if you don't have a kid or your child is too young to do something yellable and you're sitting on your high horse, "well i NEVER" then to you i say.. your day will come. maybe it won't! maybe you are blessed with eternal patience and perfect self control. but when your child someday throws his or her self on the ground in the middle of a parking lot, refusing to stand up, and WAILING while you're carrying a carseat and trying to prevent any children from getting run over...i would love to see how you handle it. because i obviously need an example.

it was fairly rare that i lost my temper with els before baby. post baby i'm running on little sleep, have raging hormones (right?? how long can i use that excuse?), and am already slightly more stressed on every outing because sometimes newborns feel like ticking time bombs. anyway the frequency of scary mom voice has gone up exponentially since i became a mother of two.

you know the voice. it's the one you hear a woman you probably pity, even though she does not want your pity, use in the grocery store to reign her child in. before i had kids i was always terrified of these women and judged them so hard. and promised myself i would never lose control like that in public or look that haggard or whatever.

buuuuuut poorly-timed trips to target can bring out the worst in all of us.

 a part of me dies everytime i use scary mom voice with elsie. even though she is the most forgiving (forgetful?) child. when you hear that horrid sound come out of your mouth and see the terror/betrayal of trust/secretly stocking away resentment in their eyes you just want to curl up and die.

so don't judge the scary moms. they already feel really bad okay. and they're probably not always scary moms.

i was kind of hoping i wouldn't remember my password for the blog, but turns out google runs everything so...

i'm back! maybe. i'm sure if you click older posts a few times you'll find a post identical to the one i'm about to write. about how i'm never super sure about myself and my identity anymore so i'm going to write again because hey i used to be good at that.

i haven't "written" in ages. mostly because what i used to write was poetry, which i would have no idea where to begin with now. i've also changed a lot since i last wrote. being a mom and all. A MOTHER OF TWO to be exact. but really i haven't changed that much because arcade fire songs still make me cry in the car. but also still pretty different because now a 2 year old chimes in from the back, "mommy sad?" mommy has lots of FEELINGS OKAY.

i usually come back here to write after i read a blog where someone is actually funny, insightful, and a really good writer. they probably use capitalization too. i'm a lazy writer and usually pretty navel-gazey. i have a hard time thinking what i have to say would be that interesting or impressive to anyone else (cue for validation).

but my infj profile tells me that writing is one of my talents. my mom tells me to write. weston tells me to write. who am i to argue?

i don't know what to write about really.

what's on my mind?

what i think about the most: weston, my kids, losing weight, what color my hair should be, what color of nail polish should i buy next, how many chocolate chips have i eaten today, cocoa dusted almonds, chocolate covered almonds, chocolate covered almonds with sea salt, milk chocolate mocha dusted almonds, some item of clothing (today it's a dress), the characters on Parenthood, if i'm annoying my friend i just texted 8 times with no response, will i ever make new mom friends, can i have pizza for dinner, should i grow out my bangs, i'm really way too obsessed with so many things that don't matter, how long do i leave elsie in her room when it's supposed to be naptime but i've just been listening to her sing blues clues to herself for the past hour and a half, she'll fall asleep eventually right?, i need to apologize to the guy at the eye center at walmart, will i always feel like a beached whale in my yoga class, is wanting to be a yoga teacher a pipe dream, is writing a pipe dream, what does pipe dream even mean,

etc. etc.

so you know
just some things to look forward to.

a roll from a family reunion two years ago

pool pizza page

love these people an awful, awful lot