I missed therealljidol again. I need to drop out. My life is just too crazy busy right now. Opening the restaurant and trying to do just a bare minimum in school is just too much!
And I'm honoring him by sending his kids to bed without a bedtime story (that was sarcastic). I'm honoring him by getting buzzed on Torched Cherry rum and diet cola. I'm honoring him by listening to songs on YouTube and singing out loud. I'm honoring him by wearing his scarf. I don't want to take it off.
I miss him so much. It's palpable today. 12 years ago a little sperm had sought out a little egg and its name ended up being "Baxter".
Everyone thinks I am so strong. I am not. I am weak. I am being carried by currents that are not directed by me. I am a wreck. I try not to show it so much but I really am.
Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going?
All of these questions seem difficult for me to answer right now and I think, for simplicity's sake, I will answer the questions in reverse order.
Right now I am in school to study culinary arts. And … that's basically all I know. Originally the plan was for me to study cooking in order to become a professional chef. All of that, however, has changed now. I am assured by my husband's cousin, a professional chef herself, that there are far more things to do with a culinary degree aside from being a chef with irregular hours. So, onward I go. I will define my destiny as I go. Perhaps I'll be a wedding caterer. Or a food writer.
I come from a family of four. My family contains my dad, my mom, my brother, and me. In my early years we lived in California around my mom's extended family. We moved to Washington when I was eight and since we did not have any relatives up here it was just us. We learned to lean on each other, and our neighbors, to get by. My parents have been there for me throughout all of my ups and downs and I expect they will be there for more of my roller coaster ride. Since our family was small there was nowhere to hide. This was both good and bad. It was good because if you were trying to avoid a confrontation or if you needed help you had no choice but have someone notice. It was bad because, well, sometimes you just need somewhere to hide away with your thoughts. My dad has been, and remains, my closest confidante. I know I can tell him anything and he will not judge me. He will help me with the situation, if needed, or he will simply listen. It is because of his wisdom and sense of humor that I am the person I am today. My mother has her own issues and although we historically have not completely gotten along we are now doing better and trying to learn how to treat each other. My brother is a typical younger brother. He's a goofball and self-absorbed but has a heart of gold. He would do anything for his family. My only regret regarding my brother is that he lives so far away, in Nevada, and we hardly ever see him.
The hardest question for me to answer is “Who am I?” On the surface this is fairly easy. I am a mother. I am a student. I am a daughter. I am a sister. However, recently my world was shaken to its core. Less than three months ago I was also a wife. My husband of over 11 years committed suicide on July 21, 2010 leaving me alone and floundering. Prior to that I lost my job and only career. I used to be an insurance agent and not the garden variety kind. I worked in aviation insurance. Because I was so specialized and had no common experience no one wanted to touch me.
Those two events happening within two months of each other have placed my feet on unsure ground. If you had asked me six months ago who I thought I was I would tell you that I was a professional woman with a loving family. I would have told you that, sure, I have my share of problems but who doesn't? Now I am not so sure who I am. My identity has been reset and I can now be anyone I want to be.
And so it comes back to who I want to be. I want to be the best mother I can to the two gifts of life my husband gave me before he left the earth. I want to find a profession where I am not “working”. I want to find a profession where I am doing something I enjoy. I have always enjoyed cooking. Cooking is how I express my love for my family and friends. So it is with that spirit that I pursue a culinary arts degree. It is with that spirit that I have decided to walk this walk even though it is not easy to get out of bed every day and get it done.
I sometimes think of this as a blessing in disguise. I have a fairly unique opportunity to experience a mulligan, a “do-over”. Of course I miss my husband like crazy and am devastated that he is not with me. But my logical mind will occasionally, just sometimes, whisper that he is no longer in pain and agony. It is that same logical mind that whispers to me that I need to live my dream. I have lost my family home and am renting an apartment. Renting lends itself to not putting down roots which means I can go anywhere I want. I don't need to stay in Seattle or even the United States. I can move to France if I want to and study cooking further. My children would come with me, of course, and we could have some grand adventures not being tied down to a house or obligations.
My upbringing by my parents has left me strong. They have supported me through thick and thin. They are supporting me and loving me now. My dad's wisdom and good advice continues. The relationship with my mom keeps improving and we are starting to understand each other more than we ever have. I know that the sky is the limit. And maybe, in the sky, I will be able to feel my husband smiling down on me.
The thing is, the difference between life or death (in this competition anyway) is so close, it's ridiculous. Dead last is only a matter of a few votes.
I know my entry was below par this week. I'd just like the chance to make up for it. So, if you don't think I suck entirely, feel free to toss me a vote.
Voting ends tomorrow at 9pm Pacific. I'm nervous like hell. Way to go, me, for having a crap week when the competition is this tight.
........
strryeyedgrrl is a kickass writer. Don't believe me? Click HERE or on her tags for therealljidol for more writing samples.
It seriously only takes a couple of seconds to vote. JUST DO IT!
Lush has its annual sale still going although I think it ends very soon. I had to exchange hair gel (the only product I don't like!) so I got a head start on the discounting. ;) Here's what I bought:
At the request of therealljidol, this week's subject is: smile!
I have thought of different approaches to this topic over the past few days. I thought, at first, I should write about my kids' smiles. Perhaps I could wax nostalgic on their first smiles. Nah... lots of people will write about that. I then thought about what makes me smile and how I could go on and on about that. Again, I'm sure that'll be a subject for many people. In the end, I arrived at what fills my heart the most: how I make other people smile.
Making others smile is one of my life's goals, I'm certain of it. If someone at work is down I do my best to make them grin like a fool just by talking to them. If that doesn't work, perhaps sending them a good joke via email will do the trick. Eventually, I find most people will warm up and at least give me a wan smile. That's good enough if they're really down. Don't mistake this for clowning or insensitivity. I just want to cheer them up a bit. And I definitely try to empathize with people and lend an ear. In fact, I'm sure my employer would say that I lend too many ears and listen/talk with too many people during the workday!
The other thing that I love to do to make people smile is cook. Most of the cooking I do is not necessarily for self-satisfaction but to see the expressions on people's faces. The reward I reap from cooking is hearing and seeing satisfaction from others. This is fairly narcissistic, I suppose, because I feel such a great sense of pride whenever someone really loves what I have whipped up in the kitchen. If someone moans in ecstasy that makes it even better!!
I love seeing smiles on people's faces. The only step I haven't taken is being someone who is so open with strangers that I can make them smile as well. Perhaps I should try!
Tortellini Boil the tortellini until done. Drain then return to the pot. Have the heat on low, add three wedges of Laughing Cow (original flavor) and a splash of milk...about 1/4 cup. Sprinkle in some kosher salt, grind some pepper into the pot, and add some garlic powder. Stir until the cheese is melted and everything is all incorporated. Deliciousness!
Veal Shoulder Chop Heat olive oil in an oven-proof skillet. Sprinkle the veal with Emeril's Essence or whatever spice mixture you'd like. Brown for about 5 minutes per side then finish in a 375 degree oven for about 5 minutes.
I added Texas garlic cheese toast for the kids and husband and steamed asparagus for all of us.
Post for therealljidol. Subject: Uphill, both ways, barefoot
When I first read the subject I had to think about it for a while. It connotates wisdom of age, making fun of young people, or reflection. Life has a way of throwing challenges at you when you least expect. Or, perhaps, you create your own challenges by actions or inactions. Age has a way of making you look at today's kids and wonder if youth really is wasted on the young. I suppose the point is that everyone has challenges in their lives.
There have been several points in my life where I think things are going along terrifically and then - BOOM! - problem! One time I was on my way to work, minding my own business, and my car broke down. Another time I was happily back in the dating game. I had been seeing a great guy for six months or so when I learned I was pregnant. (Challenges, remember? Sometimes they're not negative!) There was another situation in my life when things in the house we rented went to hell because the roof started leaking into the kitchen. Life is full of unexpected challenges and situations; you just have to learn to roll with the punches.
A lot of the challenges in my life have been self-inflicted. I either do or do not something which makes my life harder. I have been known to blatantly ignore my finances. I have been known to flagrantly break the law by speeding as quickly as possible (yet in the realm where I still feel I am safe to myself and others). I have also been known to not act appropriately when I really should have. As a result, my financial status suffers. I have received speeding tickets (which if it coincides with the financial troubles this makes it extra challenging). At work sometimes I am not a consummate professional but can sometimes be the "class clown". These three things seem to be a frequent theme in my life and I have had to get over these challenges by myself, again and again. It's hard to learn lessons and even harder to learn them the right way in order to avoid repetition of mistakes.
I have an 18 year old son. Sometimes I see the trials and tribulations of his life thus far and think that perhaps he is misusing opportunity. He is not living according to carpe diem. He makes choices that perhaps I would not make myself. Often I will see a difficult situation he is going through and think that he doesn't have life so bad, really. I don't understand why he thinks life is so difficult or dramatic. Of course, when I look back to being 18 I really believe that my life was harder, my choices more difficult. I have to laugh when I do want to tell him that "back in my day" I did have to walk uphill, both ways, in the snow, barefoot!
Challenges in life come up without warning a lot of times. Sometimes, though, you can see them coming and even dare them to come. As you age, you really do look on today's youth and wonder why they think they have it so difficult. The important thing to recognize as you address your challenges that everyone has their own problems with their lives. Maybe the next time you come across someone being unnecessarily or inappropriately gruff perhaps you can remember that; they could be in the middle of one of their own challenges.
ETA: Crap. In between taking too much time to write this and having to wipe Sophia's butt twice, I missed the deadline.
Uh, LOLZ...I'm outta LJ Idol, I think, before it even began! Life got really busy all of a sudden and the topic was stumping me so I think I'm probably done for. Grrr.
therealljidol has demanded I introduce myself. Okay, it's not a demand. It's a warm-up exercise. So, here are ten random facts about me:
1. I'm a wife, a mom, and a full-time insurance agent. 2. I love to cook. I even have my own blog! (It's here if you'd like to peruse it.) 3. I like offbeat TV shows such as Doctor Who, Torchwood, Dollhouse, etc. 4. I like all kinds of music. Johnny Cash, Muse, Will Smith, Peter Murphy, Bauhaus, Franz Ferdinand, Death Cab for Cutie, Lady Gaga, etc. 5. My politics are eclectic but lean toward the Libertarian. Basically, the less government the better. 6. I love to drive. Quickly. 7. I adore cats. 8. Reading has consumed my life recently and has been fairly diverse. 9. I have a Brittany Spaniel with ADD. 10. I'd really like a nap.
Today I had to take a client to the airport so I had some time to kill before picking up Sophia. I hit the Goodwill in Ballard which is usually a great place. It paid off. Not only did I pick up a few pairs of cute jeans and shirts for Sophia, but I scored three purses. And not just any purses. Designer purses.
Behold!
A motherfucking Burberry, y'all!
How much did this cost me? $40? No. $20? Not a chance. Okay, okay. $10? Not even! $3.99. That's right. Four bucks for a Burberry! And it looks like it's authentic, too. Not like that jacked up stupid ass fake Kate Spade I bought once.
I thought about putting the Burberry last but I'm too excited about it!
Next up is a sweet purse from Kenneth Cole Reaction that will look much better once my crap goes inside of it to fill it out. This one was also $3.99!!
Finally, I got this cute purse by Guess for $3.00 (half off $5.99). First of all, the Burberry and Kenneth Cole purses had regular prices of $3.99 which blows my mind that a purse by Guess would cost more had it not been a blue tag day. I mean, WTF? I'm thanking my lucky stars, though. Anyway, here's the last one:
I initially got a tip from my friend, Tobie, who found a designer purse there as well. I can't remember what brand she found but she told me to look in this store particularly. Since then, I always examine the purses there carefully.
When I next sport these cute purses you know I'm going to be chuckling to myself because instead of spending hundreds of dollars for them, I got them on the cheap!
I just bought three containers of Bacon Salt off woot.com. For $2.50 each (plus $5 shipping for all three) it seemed like a reasonable deal to me. I got one of each flavor: original, hickory, and peppered. They're zero calorie, vegetarian, AND kosher. How can it be bad?
I thought I still had chicken breasts out to make for dinner but forgot that I had put them in the freezer last night. So, I made a bell pepper and potato frittata instead. Hakuna frittata! It's setting right now so we'll see how good it is. It should be pretty good.
If suddenly you do not exist, if suddenly you no longer live, I shall live on.
I do not dare, I do not dare to write it, if you die.
I shall live on.
For where a man has no voice, there, my voice.
Where blacks are beaten, I cannot be dead. When my brothers go to prison I shall go with them.
When victory, not my victory, but the great victory comes, even though I am mute I must speak; I shall see it come even though I am blind.
No, forgive me. If you no longer live, if you, beloved, my love, if you have died, all the leaves will fall in my breast, it will rain on my soul night and day, the snow will burn my heart, I shall walk with frost and fire and death and snow, my feet will want to walk to where you are sleeping, but I shall stay alive, because above all things you wanted me indomitable, and, my love, because you know that I am not only a man but all mankind.
Here it is in Spanish, where it is infinitely more beautiful:
La Muerta
Si de pronto no existes, si de pronto no vives, yo seguiré viviendo.
No me atrevo, no me atrevo a escribirlo, si te mueres.
Yo seguiré viviendo.
Porque donde no tiene voz un hombre allí, mi voz.
Donde los negros sean apaleados, yo no puedo estar muerto.
Cuando entren en la cárcel mis hermanos entraré yo con ellos.
Cuando la victoria, no mi victoria, sino la gran Victoria llegue,
aunque esté mudo debo hablar: yo la veré llegar aunque esté ciego.
No, perdóname. Si tú no vives, si tú, querida, amor mío, si tú te has muerto, todas las hojas caerán en mi pecho, lloverá sobre mi alma noche y día, la nieve quemará mi corazón, andaré con frío y fuego y muerte y nieve, mis pies querrán marchar hacia donde tú duermes, pero seguiré vivo, porque tú me quisiste sobre todas las cosas indomable, y, amor, porque tú sabes que soy no sólo un hombre sino todos los hombres.
Yesterday as I was driving home I decided to stop at Lush (shut up) to see if they had any Christmas packages left. If they would have, they would have been 75% off. They didn't. *sigh* But I did get a new shampoo bar to try (Seanik) and a new face cleanser (Coalface). More on that later.
I was walking really quickly back to my car which I had parked near Lola on 4th Avenue. On the corner of 4th and Virginia whom did I see? None other than Tom Douglas!!!
Oh My God!
I was grinning from ear to ear. See, I have never met him but I know his restaurants and food are amazing and perhaps I feel a false sense of intimacy because I also listen to his radio show with Thierry Rautureau on Saturday afternoons occasionally. I wanted to shout, "HI TOM!" but I had some self-restraint. *grin*
Thierry, btw, has the sexiest voice in radio. He also has a face for radio. ;-D
Okay, so Lush. I used Coalface tonight and it smells weird. Very masculine. It smells of, well, charcoal and licorice. I moisturized with a different brand of moisturizer and my face feels so good right now.
Funny thing: I think Chef Ramsay would have yelled at me. I forgot the salt & pepper so we passed white pepper and sea salt at the table. It was all right. I should have made chicken to go with it instead of using it as a main dish.
Note to self: drinking wine whilst making risotto is probably not a good idea. It takes a while and the wine goes down easily and too quickly whilst stirring and stirring and stirring.
This was interesting. I am definitely changed from even 8 years ago. Actually, probably even from 4 years ago. But it's not really a surprise to me that I lean toward the Libertarian side.
My Political Views I am a right social libertarian Right: 4.61, Libertarian: 6.09 Political Spectrum Quiz
Confession: I have never made risotto. It seems too mystical; too fussy. It seems like you do one wrong step and you will fuck it up and then Chef Ramsay will be yelling at you and throwing it in the garbage can while you try to keep your tears inside.
However, I was reading Mark Bittman's blog post about risotto with great interest. He demystifies it. I'm going to try it. I'm really going to do it! It's funny, though, because the comments are very much in trying to keep it sacred. Excuse me, people, but it's FOOD! I can pretty much guarantee I am not going to save a life with risotto. I do hope to enhance a few, though.
stemware has inspired me with his menus which are far more elaborate than mine. Well, he claims they're simple but...eh...
In that vein, I have reserved several books from the library. They include a few books by Mark Bittman, Thomas Keller (French Laundry cookbook and restaurant), and Anthony Bourdain (Les Halles cookbook and restaurant). I really want to learn how to make good sauces. I want to try my hand at a soufflé. I'd love to bake more (cakes, pies, pastries, macarons!). Etc. etc.
I was finally able to get to the bakery here in Seattle (Honore Artisan Bakery) that has macarons. Their hours are totally not compatible with my own so I snuck in there before Sophia's appointment. I've eaten two already. *sheepish grin* The purple one must have been lavender! The pink one was probably strawberry and it was really good. The lavender one was weird (but I don't like that flavor anyway). Maybe Bill will like it.
Cut up pork. Put it in a pan and start sautéing it. Add some oregano (1-2 Tbsp.) and some garlic salt ("not too much, you don't want it to be salty). Add onion (more vagueness about quantity and whether it should be chopped or sliced). Open a 14.5 oz. can of tomatoes. Mom uses diced tomatoes, I'll probably use whole. If the meat/onion mixture gets too dry add some juice. Put the strained tomatoes in. Mom doesn't use all of them and she doesn't like the meat mixture to be too juicy. It should be moist but not contain a lot of juice. After that, add a small can of diced green chiles. Warm the chiles in the mixture and serve with tortillas.
All of this made me curious about an authentic chile verde recipe but I have to say, her recipe is darned good.
Wow...just a cursory search and it's evident that this is nothing like chile verde. Like, embarrassingly not like it. Still, it is delicious.
26-year-old actor Matt Smith was anointed as the eleventh Doctor Who this week. If you were in charge of casting, who would you cast as your ideal Doctor and why?
I know it's lame and predictable but I'd totally keep David Tennant as The Doctor. He does a great job and has a good emotional range. He made me care about Doctor Who for the first time in, oh, ever.
That said, should Tennant fall off the face of the earth I suppose I'd have to go with Jonas Armstrong, who currently plays Robin Hood on BBC America. Here's a photo:
That said, I will still miss David Tennant terribly.
The wine with dinner tonight was Willow Crest's 2006 Pinot Gris. It's a decent enough wine and best paired with food. It went with the pork very well. For about $12 you could definitely do much worse. I only had about a glass and a half, since I didn't want to overdo it! ^_^
I just finished watching The Duchess. Total chick flick but I don't care. It's a pretty powerful movie and although Kiera Knightly is very much the same as she is in all her other movies, the other actors were very good. The costumes were gorgeous as was the scenery. And the music! The music was incredible. I might even get the soundtrack.
I'm sure my husband, were he awake to watch it, would have hated it.
*I am going to try not to buy any more rice mixes (Rice-a-Roni, etc.) but I need to use up what I have. It'd be silly to get rid of food that can be fed to my family.
Start an anime fund. Overcome my secret fear of strawberries. Backup my aircraft regularly. Put fifty utilikilts a month into my savings account. Give up friends. Buy new kids.