Reality Check: This should probably be going to a therapist, not a blog

A couple days ago I put on my slippers to head to the lobby and check my mail.  My left eye was pretty swollen and my temples hurt too much to put on my eyeglasses, so that eye was really on display.  I was hoping nobody would be downstairs, but there was one person--Jim the Mailman.  

I love Jim, I really do.  He's 59 years old and excited to retire in a couple years.  He goes out of his way to know everyone here by name, always asks how you're doing, loves to talk about his 2 grandchildren.  Anyway, he said "Hello Doug!  Whoa, where'd you get that shiner??"  I told him it wasn't really a shiner, just a recent symptom of this chronic inflammation thing I have going on.  

He said "Yeah, Lida told me all about that--said it's something called long covid?"  I didn't want to talk about it, I just said yes I guess so.  Jim said "Doug I see and talk to a LOT of people in my line of work, doctors and nurses too.  I have to tell ya pal, no one's ever heard of that!  Do you maybe think a quack diagnosed you?  I just wonder if it's a real thing, don't you?"

I didn't have it in me to argue, I wouldn't want to anyway--Jim meant well.  I just shrugged my shoulders.  Frankly, I don't care what it is.  All I know for certain is, I have something that I can't get rid of.  I know people don't want to hear me drone on about it, but I still have to live with this.  It's every day.  When it lightens up for a half hour or so, my mood immediately lightens as well.  I suddenly feel happy and hopeful.  Then the pain and pressure build on the side of my head again and I feel worried, defeated.

A little over a month ago, my friend Robin (who lives in Canada) told me about a widely known Canadian journalist & author who got long covid, Gill Deacon.  Robin said that when listening to her, Gill reminded her of me.  She had many of the same symptoms.  I began looking for interviews and such with this Gill Deacon, and was surprised at how similar her story was to mine.   Severe fatigue, pain in her limbs, constant intense headaches.  

Gill said it took her 8 months just to be diagnosed with long covid, only to be told there was little they could do.  She said you're essentially handed a sentence of sitting on your couch and being miserable for the next 3 years.  The unfairness of it made her feel defeated and angry, she said she'd gone thru two bouts of breast cancer before the long covid, and as bad as the cancer was, it was nothing like the hell that long covid put her through.   

I went thru something similar.  In 2018 I developed a series of medical problems in my pancreas, both kidneys, bladder.  (In one year alone I went to the Emergency Room 17 times.)   I was operated on 4 different times, spent Thanksgiving or Christmas in the hospital two years in a row.  It sucked!

What really sucked, after the final operation (which involved a 3 hour oral intubation) I developed a serious jaw disorder that lasted two years.  It prevented me from eating solid foods, and got so bad I wound up overmedicating and getting in serious trouble.  But the thing is, by January 2021 I was finally well.  I thought I earned the right to live happily ever after... well, for 10-15 years at least.   

But then 3 years later... January 2024.  Long covid.  So yes, like Gill Deacon and her breast cancers, I've had my share of crap before this too.   

I try to remind myself that I'm fortunate.  What if I was younger, had a family to support and needed to work?   Recently a friend said "Well, you're still able to go out and buy groceries on your own".  They're right, but what they don't know is, for every grocery trip I make there were 2 times where I wanted to go but couldn't.   So yes, I can still make it to the store and back a couple times a week.  But I've only spent time with friends once in 4 months.

Anyway, I just needed to rant, vent, type.  When I share it here and not with a live person, no one is obligated to listen or respond.  It just amazes me, the resiliency of this thing.  This time a year ago, I was finally getting real signs of recovery and was able to meet up with friends from the senior center 3-4 times from January thru May, before the recovery became a lasting thing by summer.   In September I thought I was fully recovered.   And then on Sept 12... kaboom.

I am getting hopeful signs again, just not "full days", not yet.  I'm trying my best to stay optimistic and keep a sense of humor, it's either that or head upstairs to the roof and see if I flap my arms hard enough I can fly.  Just kidding!   If you made it all the way to the end, thanks for listening and being here.  

Send me your bill and I'll get that check in the mail.

When there's so much to choose from, it makes it hard to decide

See that blank wall on the left?  For the last 5-6 years, I've made a New Years resolution to find a piece of art (or picture) for this accent wall in my dining room before next Christmas rolls around.  And every Christmas, I let myself down--how'd I let another year pass?  What's my excuse this time?   

When you're younger and get your first place but have little money for decorating, pretty much any kind of wall hanging will do.  When I moved to Pittsburgh in the 1980s, my friend Theresa's parents owned a video store and supplied me with plenty of movie posters.

But when you finally have the time and money (and lots of options, thanks to the internet) it becomes much more difficult.  It does for me, at least.

I have it narrowed down to 113,079 choices—it just has to be these 3 things:

1. An unframed canvas
2. 30” square—no bigger or smaller
3. Something with an Asian, modern or industrial influence

I recently bought (what I thought) was a black & white canvas of the Great Wall of China online, but it wasn’t black & white.  It was a glum mix of gray, lavender & brown and just too dreary.  Couldn't bring myself to keep it.

Here’s some other pieces I’m drawn to, the first is fishing boats on an African river, the second is a very bold artwork, titled “Shanghai Scribble”.   I love big colors, I love modern, I love red.  I just worry it’s TOO red.

Here's two more I like, a rocky coastline and "A Busy Morning"...

The coastal one has a nice zen about it, and I don’t mind it being black & white; I’ve got plenty of colors in here already.   I really like that red piece though... I think I'll do some more browsing.

Finally, I wanted to share another piece I got recently and the power of the internet.  A month or so ago, I was watching a YouTube video showcasing “Heinz Lofts” in the former industrial part of the city.  Several years ago, the old Heinz ketchup factory was converted to upscale condos.

In one of the units, there was a “minimalist circle map” of Pittsburgh on the wall.  I really liked it, and began searching different art sites for it.  Couldn’t find it anywhere.

I paused the video and did a screen print, cut and pasted it in MS Paint, did a Tin Eye image search.  I found it on an Etsy site called Mapologist.  I wrote the owner, asked if he still sold it and if so, could I get a smaller sized print. 

After he said yes, I went on another site and ordered a sandalwood frame.  I’ve been wanting something modern & light to hang on the wall outside my bathroom door, nothing too dark or heavy.

Anyway, here it is and it worked out just right.  Happy New Year, everyone.

Dumb but True Stories, Volume 1: The Bionic Woman & The Man who drank Coffeemate

NOTE:  I've decided to start a new blog category, Dumb but True Stories.  It's for when I have something weird or dumb I want to share, but it's small and not really worthy of a "full blog post".  So if you'll indulge me, here we go...

If you visit my blog regularly, you know I'm always talking about my trips to Kuhn's, my local grocery store.  There's a cashier there I like greatly named Carol.  She's in her mid to late sixties, loves to chatter but is a little ditzy.  I'm not fond of that word, but that's what she calls herself.  "Ditzy Carol, that's me!"

In the last few years she's had several medical procedures done: she got a knee replacement 4-5 years ago, then a hip replacement, then another knee replacement.  Two years ago she got some kind of ball bearing inserted into one shoulder, then last year an operation on her collarbone.  She wears something now on her lower arm, for an upcoming wrist operation.  Awhile back I began calling her the Bionic Woman.  (You know... the woman from the 70's tv show with the replacement body parts.)

So one day recently, I went shopping and got into her checkout lane.  (I just aim for the first empty lane I see.)  When it was my turn and I began loading up the belt with my groceries, she smiled and said good morning, then held up my bottle of Hazelnut Coffeemate and said "Sir, is this the only one?"

I said yes, and she said "Ok but there's a sale on these right now--buy one get one half off!"  

I said that was okay, I only wanted the one.  I added "Besides, I'm pretty sure I got the last one on the shelf."

Carol said "Oh really?  Uh-oh!  That spells trouble!"  I asked why.  She said "We have a man that comes in here 2-3 times a week.  He never leaves without one or more of these bottles in his cart!  Personally I think he must drink the stuff!"

I laughed and said wow, that's a lot of Coffeemate.  She said "Well, I don't wanna be here if he shows up and that shelf is empty, that's for sure!"  I said "Is he an angry person?  Does he have a temper?"  

Carol said "Oh, he's nice enough.  I got a bunch of medical stuff done to my body and he likes to call me the Bionic Woman!  Isn't that a hoot?"

Yes Carol, it's a real hoot.