Arilla

O hallo franz.

This is Day 2 of being awake in a morning after a (reasonably) restful sleep. (Yesterday was my 1 normal sleep per month though; last night came in 2 parts.)

Morning in my lil living room under-bed alcove is nice right now. Sunshine, but not too much (come afternoon I've learned there will be quite a glare on my laptop). I've got the floors clean in here and in the kitchen! . . mind you, I did that last week, and already my shedded hair is returning to reclaim the wilderness.

Hhanyway. .
The cleaning and many other projects have not exactly come /far/ in my recent days, but when I think about it (so far) it's all still feeling less overwhelming that things got to feeling last late-October/November. My fingers are crossed right now that the good summer I enjoyed was contributed to by my antidepressant medication, and that it will keep doing good work into the fall and winter. Not totally sure though.

I feel I did not do much this summer. o o For example in the garden/yard, I only went out to plant the seeds -- and then maybe a couple times after that for maintenance (which is not enough) -- then to ~sometimes~ pick things. HohHaha.

I don't quite have the same joy in writing on a new site as my old journal. Aaaaand I never got over my overwhelmed "I have too many things to write about that I haven't yet written about" feelings -- which functions both to exacerbate the issue and to make me even more journal-averse while I deal with the tragedy of therefore writing NOnE of it down. 8) RIP memories of the past however-long. Big hole in my life.

Whatev'.

Journaling also is not as much a joy to me when my friends aren't doing it, obviously. I'm a very social content-producer/consumer.

Facebook, tumblr, twitter, now discord (where I'm part of 2 channels haha). . . It's a lot to keep up with all separated-out, but those are where people are.

I've been particularly active over the FB because (now that she works at her own store and her kids can function without constant close supervision) Kitty often is online to send messages back&forth with meeee. (Google chatting always still on, but now often messenger). Plus it's been an easy and satisfying place to share my silly, poor-quality SWTOR video clips.

AND in addition, I started following a FB Pokemon GO raid group/chat when the legendary bird pkmn came out for catching. I had a really fun time with it like 2 wks ago or so. The people are (almost always) nice. Big range of ages in this area, a LOT of them being older people who got hooked when their kids were into it (like my mom, hehehh. but she's not hardcore, even if I did get her out to a couple of raids to help out), or youngish parents who bring along littler kids sometimes. Friendwise J is a very avid PoGO-er (and Kitty plays, though she tries not to set her sights too high because she can't often get out & about away from work), and the girl whose anime club I was going to was showing up for raids also. Good Times Were Had! I got all the 3 birds I really really wanted, and also Lugia which has a sort of special place in my heart for being related to the original Pokemon chat room I frequented in my earliest online times. (In the beginning it was "Shinji's Chat", named for the owner/admin, but then they renamed to Lugia's Chat to generalize more toward the Pokemon theme of it.) Also got to beat raids for couple of the other trickier Pokepokes to get, which I wouldn't have been able to do at all otherwise! (Previously it was just texting back & forth to see if K&J would be available, or on the first day of legendaries just showing up and happening to encounter a Ton of people.) . . . I have close to 450 pokemo babies on my phone now. My pokedex of is only at 208 (for ones of caught), but I sometimes keep multiples.
. . From helping other people out with raids, I accidentally got a spare Lugia and 2 extra Articuno. I really didn't intend that to occur because I do not feel I need more than one of each. X) But now how am I supposed to part with them? Life is hard.
Anyhowwww.
. . . . The raider club WAS fun, but then I think most of everyone caught the things and yet they are still going so that they can keep catching the ""perfect"" legendaries, and they're big into IV detectors & scanner maps that show you where & how long the ~wild~ pokemon are spawning for. That all feels so cheap and cheater-y to me. But because they want that stuff, they decided FB chat wasn't good enough. . and they moved on over (mostly) to discord. And I was a little sullen about it -- not that I can blame anyone, but ~I just wish it had stayed the way it started. People would learn of the raids (sometimes through a scanner map site, but not with an auto-scan bot that sends alerts to a discord channel pffft), and then they'd excitedly tell the chat. Now it's like "well why bother -- they know this one is here they can see it in their alerts", and "well why show up to the 78th Lugia raid -- they all have 1, if not 14 of them" Ssso WHATEVER. Sometimes it's still good. I pulled together a Blastoise raid just because I wanted to get it, and everyone was real nice to hang out and chat a little ahead of our meet-up time (a couple were there mostly just to hang out) and now I have a cool Blastoise.

Also tho I guess I got busy with other stuff (. . and then awake at night; what else is new) in addition to being tired out of dashing outside, desperate to obtain limited time pets.

I don't know WHAT all I've been busy with. Stuff?!

There was that eclipse business, eyyy. That happened (the 21st). Here it wasn't a whole lot of an eclipse, but we went out to the park for a few hours to see the entirety of the partial one. My parents had left me a pair of the glasses, and I punched a couple pinholes (one in paper one in cardboard). . made Kitty come with me. Lol. I had told her about it the week before(?), but her memory is real bad & it wasn't totally clear whether she was agreeing to my plans even though she said she could take the kids to this thing (at that time). The morning-of I suddenly learned she wasn't going to meet me there?! And then she said she was a bit worried for her uncontrollable daughter to be out at a sun-viewing party (understandable) & meanwhile there was me like "aaaa am I going to have to go alonne? 8(((" but what ended up happening was that I went and gave them a ride with me to the park. I brought camp chairs and snacks and balls to play with and bubbles and I had a nice time playing with my children friends & chillin with Kitty. Got a cool photo where the lens flare of the sun was eclipse-shaped.

I've been to two doctors this month. Months ago my family doc's office didn't give me a referral that they were supposed to give me -- so I went in aGAIN. (Tho I Do Not like this doctor's appointments at all & he is a source of some anxiety and irritation) . . I mean, I got the routine test done too that they were calling me up to bug me about, so I made it a double-purpose visit & that was good I guess. . And this time things went right with getting me sent to the kinesiologist for my back pain. That appointment was today and I feel so Vindicated but angered that it has taken 8-9 months for this process to even begin and never Once until today was I told for sure what the problem/diagnosis was (so how was I supposed to have any idea what I should NOT do to keep it from being worse?? that was bothering me). She said it was a herniated disc for sure (which is what Dr. Dad said it probably was. At least I had a working theory thanks to that. . I'd've been so stressed if I didn't have a doctor for a dad). She & the physio assistant person were like "hmmm how to begin" and she implied it would've been a different course of treatment if I had come in right away >X( but raa I was not able to do so (I was on Christmas holidays and then thought it was better and then only could get in to see the doctor in like April & then he SCREWED UP). Anyway they seemed to think that through exercises I can get back to a non-pain-having place. that's nice. a good dream.
I go back in a couple weeks for my first follow-up.

My parents went on two big trips. A long bike trip with my lil bro & his wife, and then a trip to Idaho to see the total eclipse, followed by a Yellowstone jaunt which they return from tomorrow.
I didn't have to do much to look after the house. Just watered the beans beside the front door (uuh I should have gone to do that today I guess).

And I stayed there for 2 nights to have enough time to do an Huge amount of laundry.

I feel like I might have been out and about town doing other things. . . maybe not. I continue to go to K&J's for Wednesday nights~ when we play our D&D with the kids and with the back house tenants who are a rather sweet, funny couple who I can refer to as S&S. Dude-S used to play at the Sunday games for a little bit -- when it was getting too full (and contained still too much person named Rob), right before I gave it up. Girl-S is Katy's pal who she really wanted to rent the house (and succeeded in convincing, hooray), and she is like the kids' best aunt. She was the first to join our child-game, then we brought the boyfriend in too.

I'm sure I also have visited a few times just at other occasions -- I try. Once I brought over my WiiU star wars playset (Disney Infinity starter of Anakin & Ahsoka which I was able to get on super-discount because of Disney abandoning that game), and the childrens Very much enjoyed that. And we watched some Netflix Voltron (everyone enjoys that). Eclipse day was an all-day hanging out time. Today I went over also! We played our OTHER D&D (the Brother's Quest) after lazing a bit & after I finally decided I would fight my extreme tiredness. (I did not sleep much, what with waking up for an appointment.) I did OK. J did good in terms of taking an action I wished to see happen. hehhehe h. Finally the characters interacted with the world in a significant way that will impact the future. I am pleased. (My side-plot for them right now is essentially political, and I've set it up to be really grey-area. It's not going to be entirely clear which side is right or wrong -- then I can see what they decide to support, if anything, and what specific events they allow to happen right in front of them. Now that they could be said to bear some of the responsibility, particularly.)
. . I actually came online to write about the session and try to keep track again of some of what specifically has happened, but ehhh I'm sleepy.

Oh yeah and a couple of times this month I've picked my raspberries (& other garden things). Not as many this year as other years (it was too dry. . and then it was too rainy). The pea pods did well, as usual. My strawberries earlier in the season were doing an amazing job (and also I went with my mom to pick farm strawberries and those were soo good); they've spread over most of the porch-shadowed garden. My lettuce sprouted for once, though it's still sparse. Beets & carrots are small but I guess they're growing. I was lazy with the tomatoes but we'll see if they even have time to ripen with the weird weather. My zucchini plant is having issues (blossom-end rot, I believe it's called; the zucchini themselves rot and shrivel and become nasty mush) although it grew well in terms of leaf size. My sunflowers came up! Hilariously, only the teeny tiny one that was stunted by the shadow of the rose bush has actually bloomed so far; the other two are just green stalks. And I grew my first potato plants this year!!! They're doing such a good job!! Today I picked one lil potato that was escaping the ground. Lookin' nice. 8')

Other doings-?

I did play quite a bit of the SWTOR since last I updated. It's good times.
. . . . . . and Dani and I got ree e ally involved in our headcanon of our charas we play together. >8D . . so wonderful. Horribl sith partners.

Soon she will be on a adventure for work travel, and I will eventually visit! . . but not until well after my family camping trip, which is coming up shockingly soon. Next weekend.

. . K & her sis made me take my store sales money today Lol. I had so much. I was quite surprised. It has been a long time -- I didn't realize I even had that many things still out on the floor for sale. I wonder if I'll regain my business interest anytime soon-ish.
Maybe if I spend a LOT of money on my visit to west-coast-edition Dani. :b

Things for which I've stayed up late, lately: reading some Terry Pratchett (finished Amazing Maurice and Wee Free Men. . the former was creepY but kinda cool, the latter was hmmmm not that interesting to me) reading The Gunslinger (before the not-exactly based on it Dark Tower movie, which was much more my style than the book), reading some Octavia Butler short stories, drawing maybe once or twice, writing a SWTOR fanfic I started, aaand last night: regaining access to my old youtube account!

. . good stuff.

And tonight, writing a journal entry. zzz.

Still not keeping up w/ the happenings. Still very little journaling or life-planning energy to spare, I guess.
The last week(?) or more, I did start feeling more generally well again. Several distinct moments of "oh, look-! neat. . it's so nice to notice that I'm not feeling the weight of a thousand anxieties and misery."
. . but . . today again (of course), I'm sourcelessly disinterested, disinvested, and feeling sad.
It's as if yesterday morning I was all excited for everything -- then somehow over the course of one day I got tired of it all. I suspect that's NOT actually what happened. Instead of getting tired of it, I just took a mood-dive which makes me FEEL tired of it.

feh! . . My weekend was good, anyway. I had a lot of fun with key ppl, online hanging-out and talking and making up great stories (that I'm sure are still objectively entertaining to me, even if I can't feel it this morning).

Yesterday I got a doctor visit over with (about my back pain soreness that has never quite gone away). I might get to be referred to physio later. we shall see. Bodies are a mess!
My dad is doing his first physio today, I believe. He took his operation staples out already and his doctor checked up & said he should be fine for my parents' planned travel to see grandchildren. so it's nice that things are going as well as can be.
I feel that I should have gone to visit more, but I don't even know where my time/days has/have been going. . . I guess the re-adjusting of my sleep schedule has confused me.
I'm slowly getting used to sleeping through the night. again.

Anyway; better go finish the blood test chore that I wasn't able to do yesterday.

SO! Christmas holidays-!!
. . I have a lot I'd like to sum up, but part of the reason I haven't been writing is that I've been in pain from sitting down.

My back started to be really sore a little while before I was headed out on my trip (I had to take painkillers to finish packing), and continued to trouble me all through the holidays. \8D yep. /8D

But I survived!
I also didn't even get sick during all the visits, though Dani did (in her last couple of days at my house).

The adventure began with a cousin event in Toronto! (. . and my mom and I were catching Christmas Pikachus on Pokemon GO around our hotel. . also my parents and I ate Hero Burger for the first time at the one next door). We came to downtown from where we were staying, which was nearer to the airport, and met for Kenzo ramen with the Toronto relatives' bigger-than-before family group (incl. the recent additions by dating & by the marriage which Dani & I were witness to this past September), then walked the short distance over to a church where eldest cousin was singing a Christmas concert with her hipster pop-y choir group. I'm glad we could all be there.

. . though I was super sad to be not seeing Dani and/or friends as soon as I arrived in town. But I had this thing going on, and they were all going to be AT STAR WARSSSss (Rogue One) for the first day showing ;O; SIGH. I was committed to this thing first. (though now in retrospect I know which I would have enjoyed more. . Even though it's still hard to say which I would have chosen to do. I don't get many chances to see these cousins & it was very nice to be able to chatty-chat casually with the newlyweds, who are cute & lovely relatives to have. . .) The initial dream I had was that Dani could come with me to dine and hear music, & we'd have a date out of it. I luv to show her off to my family and these are some of my top-quality cousins (talented, funny, & sweet).
I hate when 2 things I want end up overlapping in impossible ways. ;-; What a bummer. Ah well.


The next stage of Family Christmas, starting Saturday morning, was to make the somewhat long drive west across southern Ontario. Waterloo had gotten dumped in snow, so we had to wait for my lil bro to clear the household driveway (part of a discounted rental obligation) & his wife to finish packing (she had been distracted by visiting w/ a newborn infant belonging to friends of theirs) before we could continue on our way. Lol. I got to see their new little teeny top-floor apartment. Nice kitchen. Too much stuff to fit into the place tho! (I'm familiar with that problem.)

All of us together spent the next 2 nights at grandma & grandpa's. My parents and I slept in the basement, where I got to have a foam mattress on the floor while in back pain agony LOLOL -- but I do somewhat treasure those family gatherings where we all still get to stay in the same place. Even if we were all the quiet people of the family (apart from the sis-in-law who doesn't really seem to know what to do with most of us in a conversation. . I can't blame her). I struggled trying to get STORIES out of anyone!! . . while my mom mostly did her practical-focused things (working on grandma's computer situation, grandpa's ipad, and cooking o_o All of that). . and my dad and bro quietly sat down with books (which is fine when we've been reading the same books, but I've done a lot more TV-watching than book-reading lately). Poor grandpa and me just want to have a party, but we're not as young as we used to be so we can't have outdoor winter adventures & I don't love board games/card games enough to get deeply involved & feel satisfied. (My top remaining excitement in family get-togethers then is wisecracking and creating in-jokes -- such as dinosaurs splashing the water glasses, or a half-full cup being a sign of "water rations".)

. . AND just before the holidays I got put on another new medication to try, which I later (only after New Years Day) realized has been making me sleepy very soon after I take it. .

When I tried to play a game of Tuck with the family in the evening after dinner, I couldn't even keep awake for the whole thing. :(( I was routinely falling asleep before 8 or 9 PM! Which for my lifestyle is absurd, because I'm not even starting to feel awake until mid to late afternoon most days. . even though I was waking up at 8 or 9 AM. Basically I hate everything about that schedule. Except for quiet breakfast times, which are nice.

I also missed the evening Christmas-y singing (grandma's favorite thing is for my mom to play their piano) and BARELY was awake for gift-sharing time. \:O I had blamed the exhaustion on my sore back (I sat thru a church service on Sunday where there was some singing. . at the price of being trapped in a pew with a hard wooden back), though now I'm pretty sure it was the meds I was instructed to take at suppertime. (Exactly the sort of reason why I wish I had been able to put off starting any new meds until after the holidays >:c . . but my dad works with my doctor, and he had said to her that I was not doing too good. u_u' So the word got out prematurely, I guess. I was scheduled to see her next week ANYWAY, but whatever.)
. . At least I enjoyed all the yummy meals we got to share. 'o' mmm.
And I'm hoping to go back to see my grandparents again in February, when my mom has booked a trip to be with my grandpa at his birthday. He's turning 90 now as well, I think. ?_?; I'm pretty sure??

Anyway! That was the exciting family stuff. We wrapped it up by having nice thai food (at the only restaurant I seem to be brought to in the KW area; this was the second time I ate there) with M&S before we dropped them off again. Bye-bye lil bro~


Then I got dropped off with DANIIII. yayaya. (& my parents continued on to catch a plane home the same night. Quite a day's journey for them.)

We had some exciting plans lined up and. . for a while I was nervous that I wasn't going to be fit to go through with any of them. D8 I was SO SORE in my back. It was really bad. Even on a nice, squishy mattress (thank goodness), I was having a lot of trouble at nighttime. The pain would just get gradually worse as I went through the day, & be stabbing me badly by the time I finally got to lie down. BUT I LIVED.
. . And I read on the internet that walking around and gentle activity would be better for me than just staying in bed at all times (sitting in chairs is the most dangerous), so I went places. It was hard, but I really appreciate every chance to be active & do stuff WITH people instead of alone (my big struggle @ home).

Dani had the idea to go on a downtown date to see the aquarium and then eat a dinner together, and it was really super coool!! I loved it. 'o' Fish in giant fish habitats are so interesting to watch. I also liked the cool background soundtracks and mood lights they had in the different exhibits to build atmosphere around them. U really felt like you were on an aquatic adventure. I took a bazillion pictures even if most of them will turn out poorly, just because everything was interesting. We had neat encounters with an octopus & a real big crab & Dani got hyped to touch all the touching exhibits like the baby sharks and the friendly manta rays. Yayaya!! . . Then when we got out we went to the immense Toronto underground known as the PATH and walked all the way over to the Eaton Center (which took me a real long time with my limpy sore-back shuffling. . but I DID IT), where we tried a new (to us) restaurant called Joey's. Their sweet potato fries were sooo good. Dani got super into their 'cripsy mashed potatoes', which were in a roll format with cheese and toppings over them. The dessert we had was also SO YUMMY. a nice time~

Then I believe we got to have a day bundled in Dani's room, marathoning for ourselves half of the very cute-gay anime the internet has been on about: Yuri on Ice!
Yeeee. What a charming collection of sweet (and/or goofy) and graceful boys. n__n
. . . but then I got sleepy ;_;! So I crashed out early on that party. X); (We went back to it later.)

Another delightful plan of ours was to go on a near-neighbor visit to celebrate with Nicci for her December birthday (& to fit in some time together~). . We bought all the groceries for my chili recipe and finally got it all cooked in time for a 9pm(???) dinner. (And that was WITH Dani's contribution, because I would have taken a whole lot longer on my own. Also I almost fainted at the stove because I discovered just how heat-sensitive I am on the new meds!) LOL. It was very good though. I did NOT have a good time walking in the collddd outdoors 8)!!, but it was well worth it anyway. I just want to give back nice things to ppl who have been extremely nice to me & to eat yummy food & chill all the time in nice quiet settings. Yes!


When the weekend rolled around we undertook a mission that was a first for me: we obtained a rental car!! :O I actually took a road test in a rental car when I was a teen, but this is the first time I've had one under my name, all for me (and intentionally. . rather than the result of an accident happening with my parents' regular car, as was the case back in those days).

Us & Nicci took it on a smooth musical roadtrip to their hometown in the east. Clear sailing and fun tunes all the way.

Dani & I had a Christmas that largely echoed last year's Christmas--wherein we spent the evening of the Eve with her mom, opened our little pile of presents in the morning with her & her littlest bro, then headed over to her grandma's house for party snacks and family visits followed by a fabulous Christmas Dinner feast. Her grandma is so nice to me. . 'w' This year she gave me some red gloves. (I myself had very few gifts prepared for anyone, but I gave her the little snowflake jewellery pin that I had picked up from the hopsital gift shop after my drop-in appointment to check up on my new med progress 8D;! yay). . and she is fun in accepting her light teasing from the youths. ie. regarding how they are not allowed to get up and get their own drinks, and related issues. (Me, after Dani's glass was brought to her: "I'd just like some water, like she has... I should have said something sooner. I'm in trouble now." Dani G-ma: "Yes, you should have" LOL.) My g/f has some funny family members just like me.

I got. . so sleepy. . that night. . !! The theme of my holidays. Dani was playing with texting a random wrong-number guy who had messaged my phone (innocent hilariousness ensued following up the suggestion I had to open w/ a pic of the creepy Santa on the wall in our guest room), and then I crashed probably 2-4 hours earlier than her & her mom (all this after we went out for another of her mom's Pokémon hunting drive-arounds. We also went the evening before for a longer journey & saw Christmas lights at the same time. She is Super into the PoGO tho).

Then we woke up to a very icy boxing day. We had breakfast plans w/ Dani highschool friendbuddies :3 So we got to have A&W and hang around chatting (on a painful chair again for over an hour lolol). . !! and stopped in at a local ~fashion house~ shop Dani's mom likes. . . But we weren't able to start on our way home right away as planned, cuz we thought it'd be better to wait longer for the ice to melt a bit & the traffic from the accident on the 401 to get cleared up. It was not a good morning for cars. The afternoon was looking better.
. . Driving got more difficult after dark though, so I'm really glad we didn't wait around any longer. . even though it meant we were going through Toronto during the dark, in moderate traffic, AND with horrible rainfall at the same time. The upside: I did not even notice my back bothering me because I was busy swearing quietly at bad drivers in my anxious tension! 8) Highly stressful, poor visibility.
But there is at least one thing in my life I'm (apparently) still good for. . !! And that is driving a car!! \o o/ . . Although I don't go on highways regularly, I've been on enough that I know what is up & I am experienced & (generally) sensible. I took good care of us. \'D . . Also the car. It was a very nice, very new car which gave a very nice ride. Dani says it is the same model her roommate has.

We didn't return it to the rental place right away, because we had MORE PLANS for the 27th. . !
Dani wanted to see if she could get in on some boxing week sales at the big shopping place near her home, so we had an adventure shopping day (once we finally found parking). We got her a nice new suitcase (among other things), and I actually paid for a lipstick b/c I want to match my pretty makeup g/f~ (and I fell for how shimmery shiny and purpley it was). Also I got touchscreen gloves that I liked for a nice discount price. Our big challenge for the afternoon was finding a place to sit to eat. . we finally managed. We ate more potatoes because we love POTATOES (they were like hash brown pasta-string-cut patties, with a choice of meaty toppings).

& then our evening challenge turned out to be the unexpected difficulty of finding a good place to watch Rogue One together when the theatre (on a holiday + a cheap Tuesday) was WAY more busy at 4pm than we anticipated. But we also managed that!! So I got to enjoy that quality movie.
[Some of it was cheesy/tacky, and there were a few things that made little sense or were over-repeated (I get pretty tired out by movies that act like the audience is as stupid as the lowest common denominator that they are apparently expecting as a viewer), but I Really Liked the cast and the way they worked together and some of my favorite tropey moments that happened (mostly re: a dude being hot, morally conflicted, and sometimes in trouble -- or the dudes who I can ship together) AND I liked that there was a female lead who seriously did stuff. Believably. even if she was basically the only girl all by herself. I basically liked it a lot more than the Force Awakens as a movie with a PLOT, too. I haven't been able to bring myself to re-watch that one yet, but I already feel like I could go through this one again.]


. . and. . . That was prettymuch my down-south holidays!! We finished Yuri on Ice but didn't do any more of our TV-watching, iirc. X); I hung out some with a total of 3 cats. :D

Then Dani and I headed 2gether to the airport on the 28th and shared(!!!) a dinner there en route to MY HOME. Our flight ran about 20 mins late and was already due in pretty late, so it was sleepytime as soon as we arrived. (As soon as we managed to climb over the snowbank. So much snow.)

. . . I might have to make this into a 2-part entry 8) . . I talk so much. To be fair, it was quite a lot of time.

My brain has basically shut down in abstract fear of every aspect of real life. !!

. . So after I finished that first season of Winx club & determined the 2nd season is not going to be very watchable (that's.. a /lot/ of tv even right there, anyway), I went back to Deep Space 9 to continue in Season 2.

Now I'm getting toward the end of S3 and I just watched a Garak 2-parter which was very engaging. .
not much gets through to where I feel feelings lately, but this tv show has. it's really very well-done.

As a kid, I had no idea how "real" some of the plots are with political statements -- based in stuff that's more relevant the more you know (about world events & history, politics, etc.) . . -- yet at the same time, I realize how much I already recognized about the misogynist things that go on (the occasional but serious ways they let down the female characters is what made me feel like not watching any more episodes for a while, just recently).

. . but when I'm able to just enjoy the show for the cast of actors & the well-developed characters they portray -- and just sort of forget that nothing happens in a vacuum & enjoy the fake alien races and watching their problems develop and be resolved. . . I really enjoy some of the episodes a Lot.

[Note: I hid this entry on private because I wasn't sure it made a lot of sense when I wrote it, but upon second reading & some slight editing I have re-released it.]

The good news for the week is that (even if I feel fairly depressed) I'm now catching up on sleep (which makes me feel like I made a good & successful choice stopping that medication). The past 2 nights have been very restful. I can (hopefully) stop dreading going into my bed. Which is great, because that was an awful way to feel. I really love a comfy bed.

Now I must motivate myself to get OUT of the bed. . . I'm in the frame of mind not to be able to remember any reasons why I should.

@~@ and when I check my lists (phone & calendar) there are entirely too many things. (But none of them very motivating at this point in time.)

I care about too much & not enough at the same time. Everything is the same mud color.

whWooah
I'm party EXHAUSTED.

. . unfortunately part of the tiredness is mental/emotional secondhand stress (remember that I am like a sponge for any bad feelings drifting around T_T). There was some not-quite-clarified drama trickling down from the upstairs, which resulted in K's sister (who was not home) not coming, and K being a bit down & gloomy-stressed. . so THAT was not so good :( She still wanted to be there & have fun, and she brought a present and pie.

(The present was a SUPER SOFT slowpoke beanie plush with dangles on it~ ya ya. . <3! . . My parents got me a couple of DVDs off my wishlist :D the series Cybersix(!!! so good), and the OVA movie thing for Tsubasa to complete my collection of that).

The people who did come were some quality ppl!! Christa is so nice and she is chill. I like Nat too; I think she is a bit like me in ways [she also wanted us (& particularly K) to stay fed, so she brought pizza over after a while]. I'm glad I invited them. K&J also both came because they were able to get their kids looked after. 'u'
I even got to video conference in switterbeet and castlemew. THAT was really fun!!

And, in the end, some of us did some of our crafts/projects! X); So I'm proud. <3
What I ended up doing was a tiny, tiny bit of inking. It seemed the easiest, and anyway it's boring to do alone. I /had/ been planning on painting, but I guess I was too all-over-the-place/concerned for things to be well-hosted etc. etc. But nonetheless. . a lil tiny bit of work. . I did it. ;u;'

I played some of my eclectic CD collection which was somewhat entertaining.

Annd the food was soo delicious, although of course I had too much/the wrong things. I just love party food tho. (At just the very beginning my parents were over to help me to set it up and start snacking on it~)

( Continued rambling from here )

. . . I really ought to start getting OUT in the outside world more before it becomes truly snowy and stuff. And because seeing people and the outside world is a good idea? And I have stuff to do. some stuff.

First I have to sleep right. I will attempt it now.
[Eta: Not so successful. I slept only 3 hours! then was wide awake and sad 8O 8( . . but I found some morning people to talk to '-' <3 so that was helpful~ And now after another nap it's looking like it'll be a nice enough day to enjoy a bike ride later. Hopefully I can do that.]

I felt superr pessimistical Eeyore feelings about my birthday party just now, so HERE I AM to tell myself just to chill out.

Anxious!Me is such a super idiot. Lol. . so much irrational & overblown concern about trivial and meaningless things.

Today was just not the greatest day, I guess. . . . I started it with 3 different naps instead of a non-stop night of sleep. One significant side effect of my new meds seems to be interrupted sleep. It's weird though--it wakes me up in the MORNING, not (as often) in the middle of the night.
Good for making me seem more normal. . but not always. Sometimes it just leads to tired days where I can't concentrate enough to do any important jobs (not until I get a nap).

It's also still hard to say how good I'm feeling. I had a really awful day (or two?), an ok one, then today. . where I was just constantly so tired.

But I then did a dumb thing where I conversed on twitter with this local acquaintance. . who I sense is unnerved by me based on past exchanges (I have been confrontationally anti-sexist/anti-racist or opinionated and then he got, like, defensive. . basically!)
The sucky thing about that is that my anxious feelings end up rising every time I interact with someone else who is also nervous when I'm nervous. Nothing makes me more awkward than being met with awkwardness.
Me & my anxious/awkward friends can always count on our ability to make horrible, horrible social-failure spirals together~!
. . This time around I was trying to be conversational. . but I have suspicions that, at this point, we are like two fluffy animals put in a cage together at the vet's office. If I make any movements I freak us both out, so I should. . maybe just not say anything anymore??
We rarely seem to hit the same wavelength anyway.

WELL who knows. That's just my (. . . paranoid. .) take on it.

So! Speaking of paranoia: No One Is Coming To My Party (*untrue), & the sequel: IF they do they won't have fun.
Lololol. I think actually it's just the fact that I wrote some stuff in the FB event and even after inviting people no one has said whether they're coming for dinner or not. REALLY what will have to happen (and is totally fine) is that the plan will work itself out on the day-of. I already was planning for it to be a takeout meal, soooo anyone who is there when we place the order will get to eat dinner. Anyone else can have the snacks. . which I bought some today!
. . There's a couple more things I SHOULD have bought tho. I should make that list soon.

I just hate bein' a stresspot. I'm not super fond of medicating myself so heavily, which makes me reluctant to try one of my sleepy pills on top of everything. I'd really like to know/decide whether the new meds are even helping. . but I've still got to be patient.

I'm not over my sniffles I've had for the past 2, 2&1/2 weeks. Frustrating.

. . but I did get groceries today. . . yea me. .
I'm (permanently) exhausted this day.

---
BUT I do have time for my required doses of good news/fun time, so enjoy this tweetpost with art by me:
https://twitter.com/kyari/status/785757061170638848
That's me & Dani's RP OTP~ <3 theyre so cute, and we go to play with our friends recently over the (Canadian) Thanksgiving holiday (& earlier than that).
In the story, the cat-eared Julie had been under a sleeping curse~~ but now she is awake to roam and explore~~ And have adventures with Lukas~~
THEY'RE GOING TO GET RP-WORLD MARRIED ONE DAY and I am excited (. . My g/f is so indulgent of me). .

I drew a LOT before the sad feelings came to attack. Hopefully in a few days I'll cycle back around and be able to do more of that. It'd be nice to feel better BEFORE the weekend, but we shall see.

. . Oh, also, when I was feeling really really messed-up I binge-watched all of Stranger Things. It was really pretty good. A shame that: a.) the special effects of the monster-vines weren't more 80s (that CGI was pretty bad whenever anyone interacted with the Gate) & b.) the gender attitudes (mostly) were rather 80s. Those were my main complaints. But obbviously it kept me going for the entire 8(?) episodes straight, so as a suspense thriller I considered it quite adequate.
Oh yeah, and Winona Ryder is so personable. . though I wish they didn't have her play her role quite the way they did. (The part in the cupboard with the bundle of blinky lights was uncomfortable for me personally. lol. I've basically been there. I thus hate when media suggests that hallucination/delusional-things ~might be real!!~ if only the world had supernatural elements in it . .)

WHAT ELSE. . This entry is already long because I have put off updating, because I kept telling myself I wanted to add more detail in the last entry (spoilers: I probably never will because I suck). 8);! . . I was over at Kitty's again to help her more, and now apparently things are going real well for her project. I'm so glad. She was so stressed. It's so nice that she & I got into instant messaging each other, thanks to Facebook and her smartphone usage. On slow days at the store we've sent each other pictures we drew. I love to do thatt.

The best motivation is symbiotic co-working. ; ;~ It's so helpful for me. (Everything Is Awesome, like the theme of the Lego movie. . except more like in a pair or very small group and NOT an overly large team.)
Also I do really well working toward goals that involve an event. . . so it's too bad those are mostly over. Although I guess I could consider Christmas a reason to do a couple of things that have been waiting to be done.

. .. this entry also got so long because I haven't talked enough to people lately, I think. I WAS SO ALONE while my parents were away foreeverrrrrrr (it was about 17 days) -- and they only got here for Monday of the Thanksgiving weekend when everyone else was doing family things.

So I had an awesome Monday (I put some pics on FB). Chatting, then Kitty & her family came by and we walked to the pond, then my parents came over for an amusing dinner (they had no food in their house after their travels, & the stores were closed): canned chili which had been around my house for /years/, and canned minestrone soup that just looked really appealing to me. But also garden zucchini! (Harvest time, hurray) & some bell pepper I had left them in their fridge. yum yum.
. . But the Fri/Sat/Sun were a big more boring. I think I actually accomplished some stuff on at least one of the days.
After a couple of days spent on the project, my anime collection is finally unpacked and on some big ol' shelves (which I finally put in place; I had to clean the wall & floor & the thing itself first).

Now it's like. . 1AM. . and I'm a little bit ready to start my day (in terms of wakefulness) but mentally I feel like it should be DONE. Hmmm. There is no good solution for this scenario.

TODAY AND TOMORROW. . . and then I can live the quiet life again, scheduling actual things for my immediate future without "I dunnnnnnooo. ." or "I'm. . pretty. . busy. .". YAh!

I can do a little bit of commissions work I sort of left behind.

. . Although I worry if perhaps I took too long on the one. I wanted to make it nice, but now the time for it to be received with excitement has. . expired.

;_; there's stories in this, but I don't rly have time to tell them today.

I was supposed to still be sleeping. The overly sunny sunshine woke me because I'm at my parents' house. Now I'm just groggy and under-rested but I have a lot to do soooo. . I'm eating & internetting. then napping???

Tomorrow (early in the morning until the afternoon) is the event for sellers of Pokemon goods. Last week (before my cousin's wedding which we all went south for this weekend) my mom helped me by making sooo many buttons of eeveelutions. . not any more of the big ones, just tiny sets. I still need big ones. Some mirrors maybe. I can make those "on demand" this time, though. yaaaa~~

I'm very tiredd I should probably just go rest. But also I'm nervous. so that's difficult. mhmHMm. \8[
. . zzz.


. . . But at the same time I am slightly excited for tomorrow. Gonna enjoy some Pokémon times. Gonna see Miss Cherry Bomb!

I did socializing IRL on the weekend.

There was a conveniently timed late-running anime club meeting which I was able to go to (biking way waaay across town to arrive @ 8pm). . I got to watch a movie with the rly nice girl I met at Pokémon club (the time that I met them at the lake and saw PokéGO gym battles for the first time along w/ my visiting nephew).

There is anime club girl and Pokémon Trainers club girl (she showed up at the very end of the movie cuz she had to work real late). . they share a cool-seeming apartment in a house, with 3 cats and (judging by the rodent cage & the FB post about a fish) some other pets. . !

One of the cats was just lil, another one was really old (she hated the little one), and one was really big and fluffer!!

The movie we watched was the first Mobile Suit Gundam. I liked it; it was pretty good. Lots that seems silly but the story was good enough for me (even if it felt REALLY long with the old-fashioned pacing & storylines that kept cropping up when you thought it might be over).
I laughed that the boy learned how to drive the mech by getting engrossed in a book while explosions were going off. Also, when the captain of the spaceship ordered guns to be given to EVERYONEE when there had already been scenes with the children on the ship ("guns for the babies..!!").
Char is a pretty cool cat & I can see why they brought him back for Gundam Wing. lolol.

. . . . Anyway, that evening went quite well and I felt good for getting out & doing that thing. It was nice to HAVE something to do, since I often spend my time feeling sorry for myself and/or feeling like I have nothing fun & social to do and it's at least partly my own fault and/or the fault of my illness/sleep disorder (. . but a sleep disorder feels like your own fault, and it's hard to tell when depression is ""real"" when you know you've had worse).

But then, ironically: I went out and joined the Poké-club meeting the next day and felt really not as good after that one.

I went in part because the two nice girls asked if I was gonna make it, and in part because I figured "oh I can draw and accomplish some work by going". Also it was happening at the McDonald's so I knew there'd be food & wifi.

. . . but my drawing ability was not cooperating. . I was being really slow. . I was not happy with what I accomplished in like FOUR HOURS of being there. . I didn't even get around to working on my actual button project at ALL because I was just doing what was supposed to be warm-up/practice of the PokéGO team leaders.
. . And I got really disenchanted Very quickly with the non-female members in attendance. There was a diverse sampling of the type of guys who are just grating and tiresome to hang out with.
Last time there was another cool girl there who does drawing, but she wrote on the FB group that she had to pack up to head back to school. So I guess we won't be seeing her!!
Also, the club rly seemed focused on their Pokémon cards. . and I'm really not that into the cards. I COULD get behind the artwork on them -- like, I'd collect post cards or posters of cute pokémon illustrations -- but I never enjoyed the game or bothered with it.
. . If my bro who did have any of the cards still had them, they might be good for a collector now. I don't know if I ever knew what happened to those, though. Maybe a friend of his got them off him or whatever.
Also what's quite something is that my nephews & kids in their age group are huge into the cards again now. . . it is wild. . Netflix allows them to watch the 1st season of the show, too.
I would not have imagined this future for franchises.

WELL, anyway. The point of my now-wandering story was: I went home feeling extremely tired (by that point it was after 9pm), and somewhat disappointed.

Not a super encouraging result for my "tried a new thing" to turn into any sort of a regular thing.
. . But I do feel like it was good of me to try it.
If I DO have the free time on some other Saturday at the end of the month, then I wouldn't mind returning to anime club.

Originally I was thinking I could offer to host one or the other meet-up at my studio. . but now I'm thinking I certainly don't want a any boys who annoy me to linger for hours while engaging in a hobby that actually doesn't line up with my own.
Anime club is still sssomething of a possibility, since the schedule (while it is VERY long) would at least be set, and I at least enjoy anime screenings for myself (and no one person can talk constantly the entire time; they're operating under a minimal/no talking rule). But honestly I don't have the same level of comfortable seating to offer, so as long as the girls have enough space then it's probably better with them. There's cats there. <3

. . . OKAY. . . and all that talk doesn't exactly bring me up to today --
Monday I got to see Kitty. She stopped in at my end of town and gave me a call (I had told her she should)~ So we got to hang out at the beautiful park on a rare warm afternoon & to watch her goldfish swim around in the pond. Nice!! . . I wish she could have stayed, but she had to bring her childrens all the way back home. Poor K. Too much walking. I wish I could be a helpful chauffeur more often, but. . carseats. . and a car isn't always in my possession.
Self-driving vehicles need to HURRY UP.
(. . or she needs to accept the bus again. . but I don't think that will happen for as long as the monster bus driver lady is still in employment.)

Why do monstrous people have to be screwing things up for all those around them, anyway? 8|
Ms. CherryBomb came over to work on a thing at the studio today. . it's a costume for a work event/function. Her (new) boss (at new employment) has voluntold her to do a bunch of Halloween-related stuff, and so she's just going ahead and doing it. . while being miserable about it. She told me she doesn't want to get yelled at by this lady who yells a lot. Not okay!!!
I keep trying to tell her she needs to say no, or start to casually leave the things un-done ("Sorry, didn't do that! Too busy with my life /on my own time after work hours/"), or make the very reasonable compromise that if she IS going to do the thing, she's going to get compensation for it (whether that means letting her do it on work time, or paying her something. . and providing for materials, too).
. . . of course she is not going to stand up to this scary lady who is ruining her entire new job for her. EVEN THOUGH she plans to leave this form of employment in order to attempt her own business, anyway (once debt is settled & she has some money to go in with, I suppose).
People get this kind of abuse every day at this kind of job and -- I'm aware -- feel like they can't stand up for themselves for various reasons. But I think it SUCKS!! and I HATE IT!! on behalf of all the good people just trying to do their work & do it well, I'm furious with the rotten jerks put in charge who ~ruin everything.
. . . . . I am the stubborn kind of personality type who would passive aggressively resist any attempts to infringe on my free time and would get my back up about attacks directed at other ppl (apparently this supervisor/manager(?) makes even the other ones cry). I am a very angry cat in those scenarios & I end up trying to talk other people into trying the bluntest possible option even though I know it's not their way. I just have trouble imagining how they can stay so calm. And I want SOMETHING TO BE DONE! Make the bullies of the world suffer /somehow/! Whatever you do, don't let them grow more powerful based on your capitulation & aiding of their projects. It sucks, man-! it sucks. .

anyway.
I was really hoping her new job was going to be a good one for her. But the new problems, same as the old problems. . Just to a slightly lesser degree. (It's not like this one lady has all the power in this new place. There should be ways to politic against her.)

I, selfishly, would like to not hear quite so much complaining from my friends when they are unhappy but not acting to attempt to correct the causes of their complaints. 8) . . I wish they didn't have to have these problems, & I wish we could talk about nice things instead. But apparently we can't have nice things.

It's not our faults.
But it almost would be nice if it only ever were.
Then we could hope to SOLVE it.

(At least I could offer her the aid of my studio resources to minimize her time spent suffering. She got done what she wanted the projector to help her do, including going over it with fabric paint from convenient leftovers I had in supply. And, at the same time, I got to have a visitor & some company while I worked at my own things.)

I'm really struggling to do a little bit of something every day, and to not feel swamped in the fact that more always pours in while I'm not bailing fast enough. . I'm so slow. .
But while I had a visitor I DID start actually tidying my bookshelves (I've been getting new books and not having space to put them away just because of poor organization--although getting rid of some of the garbage books I don't even keep for my own sake would be reasonable too; all the kids I know are growing up and I never have anyone over to read the kid-books because I'm too messy! Ironic!! >:[ --note: not really ironic; actually very predictable).
It alllllll just dePRESSses me more. my lifeee -- where is it going?? -- how does time go by & I keep failing every measure of every goal I want to give myself to feel like I'm part of this world & I have a place & I have a positive impact in some way & I matter to people. . .. .

only. .in. . the smallest. . ways.

[Ed: I know I matter. I know there are people to whom I am valuable in good & irreplaceable & helpful ways. What I really mean, of course, is that I want more. And tied to this, I really don't believe that the goals I try to set are simply way too ambitious, or I'm not being realistic. . which again leaves me feeling like I'm just doing something wrong.]