Long and with a lot of white knuckling the wheel moments. We're in Kingston Arizona today. It feels like it took forever. I've learned that again I HATE heights and hills. And scenic views.. and a bunch of other stuff like the dark and rain. Part of me wants to give up but I know I shouldn't. If I can get an education and be around nice people it'll be worth it.

Not sure what else to say... am tired.. did 12 hours of driving today.

Ok so maybe the pills thing will or won't work. I won't know until I try it right?

On the other hand what I need to do is focus on what I can do and can change and get that done. I mentally keep focusing on the depressing past and present which will of course lead to an abysmal future. Well if I change it and focus more on the good things and get those done presently then I won't need to worry about whats happened in the past or about what the future will bring.


Does this make any sense to anyone? Just asking cuz like I said I'm trying to focus on it but I'm not completely sure how to go about doing it. We'll just see what happens as it happens but I plan to try and make it better.

No its not a resolution cuz I don't care about those, this is just an adjustment to the life that I'm leading and planning to move on towards. Again, does this make sense to anyone?

Now get on your hands and knees so I can give you your tongue lashings. 1 for every year old and an extra one to grow on. >=D

http://omg.yahoo.com/news/dom-deluise-actor-comedian-and-chef-dies/22136?nc


...

What does it all go back to? Well from my knowledge for years I've been much was told as a kid that I was ugly, freakish, fat, a slob, lethargic, worthless, useless, rat fink, no good, stupid, .. and the eceteras go on. Whats sad is I'd hear most of this from family. Well mainly June. [My great aunt for those of you who don't know.]

When you're told this for years, and years, and years.. you start to believe it. And then when people tell you otherwise.. you kinda feel thrown. I've had people tell me I'm cute, or handsome, or attractive and I get awkward by it. Most people who tell me this are people who are already in relationships. So thats easy to write off and say "They're just being nice and friendly and quite possibly sincere." So I take that for what its worth. However in most cases I get told this by people who just want to get laid. And usually its by people I really wouldn't do. Not that I'd up and do anyone anyway. Sure I can say I'd fuck someone senseless but in reality I probably wouldn't do it. Mainly because I have problems when it comes to sex. [But thats a WHOLE different can of worms.. and this aint those worms.]

So I figured I'd look for a decent guy. ... yeah, thats been a 10 year wait. And still waiting. I've tried dating and it doesn't work. I fall for someone and then pretty much get fucked over cuz I'm an idiot. So I burn people out of my system. Mainly I have alot of unrequited crushes. Better to have a crush than fall head over heels in love with someone thats taken. What would be the point in going after someone else who has someone? In the end it only means that someone else could probably take them from me. [Which has happened, is a story about my ex, and we're moving on from there..] I just figure it doesn't justify the ends well enough for me.

My insecurities with myself are stupid at some points.. but theres not much for me to work with. I'm mainly socially inept. I don't really know how to talk to people about certain things and when I do get going on a subject I tend to try and dumb myself. Apparently around here being gay and into gaming of any sort is bad. Most of the gamers I know don't really hang out with me. [Not anymore due to katrina but then you'd think once in a fucking blue moon I'd hear from them. But then maybe people lost numbers and email. I know I did.]

Bleh.. my train of thought migrated. I'll get back to this at some point.

Are you ready?

Happy Birthday pfriedma ... now I'm not sure what to get him.. or if he'll even read this.

Its not wrong that I wanna send 'em something is it?

So Davy is moving out again. A blow up between him and my dad happened.. again. Hrm.

Work was ok.. complicated as always.

Havent slept much.

Karen, Doug, Jason, [and a lady whose name I can't remember] showed up at my cultmart. I got to hug 'em.

Ok let me explain the "WoW Dildo." My reason for this is I've talked to ALOT of spouses/friends/lovers/whatever about how their signifigant other plays WoW and how they'd rather play WoW than anything else.. including sex. So I plan to like call those Zeta creations people and have them graft dildos in the shape of WoW character cocks.. and be all like "Here, he's a tauran.. fuck yourself with that." Something stupid. Just an idea. I get bored alot.

I want to roll over and sleep.. if I could.