i've returned from the dead, and have repurposed everything. my life has changed drastically and completely, as has my place in fandom (which is what i had originally purposed this journal to be).

i've read my reading page daily and kept up with everything, but not participating because i wasn't sure what my place was. but chasy has inspired me to get things together.

my first mistake was not being honest with myself, and my second mistake was trying to convince myself that this was okay. my third mistake was being afraid. i retreated to livejournal and my comfortable friends there and decided not to venture out again. but, now i am.

i will start crossposting. this journal will be my journal. i put all of my vids on hold because i was about to give up on everything, but i will resume this.


( so, this is me )

anonymity does not breed what i thought it did.
( a ponderance on an abstract state of existance )

I've been to conventions, but I've never *been* to a convention. I go, I walk around, I wander, I buy things, and then I leave. I don't go to panels or talk to people or do the things that people should be doing at cons!

So... all of this planning for SDCC has got me ridiculously excited and somewhat nervous! We're trying to figure out what panels we're going to and it's slightly overwhelming but extremely exciting. I'm pretty sure I'm just camping out in one room all day Friday.... I'll sit through three panels that I wouldn't have gone to otherwise, because I'm pretty sure I won't be able to get back in for DOLLHOUSE AND JOSS Q&A ahhhhhhhhh!!!........ anddd, I can stare at Katee Sackoff and David Boreanaz for the panels I'm not totally interested in. dollhouse = Definitely worth the wait (and the numb bum I will have!).

In other news.... I am procrastinating and absolutely, completely, positively must get to work.

dear self,

you call yourself a writer, yet you do not write. you want to write, yet YOU DO NOT WRITE. and then, when you do write, you panic and go all omg wibbley inside because people are going to READ IT.

self, you FAIL!

no love,

me.


In other news, I have watched an absolutely ridiculous amount of television in the past week because I've been home alone and apparently, I cannot live alone and in silence. SO! All of those shows that I've been wanting to catch up on... I have. I watched essentialy an entire season of Farscape, as I'm now a few episodes into season 2. I've watched ~2 seasons of Doctor Who, and Torchwood. WOW GUYS, I HAVE NO LIFE.

Also, I learned I cannot do work and watch TV at the same time... so all week as I was telling myself that I was working AND watching TV? Lies!!

ALSO, I want to punish myself greatly because of my unproductivity, which makes me feel worse and even more unproductive which makes me feel worse and.... yes, you get the picture.

AND, I'm ahead of boy in Fallout 3.

Woo productive? NO LOVE, SELF. THAT DOESN'T COUNT.

And as of tonight, I will happily have company again, but that means I will continue to be unproductive. Also, I'm crampy.

comic connnnnn!!

10:30 a.m.-11:30 a.m. Stargate Universe Ballroom 20. A new chapter of the Stargate saga begins with the all-new original series Stargate Universe. Join stars Robert Carlyle, Brian J. Smith, Elyse Levesque, David Blue, Alaina Huffman, Jamil Walker Smith and Ming-Na alongside series co-creators Brad Wright and Robert Cooper.

11:45 a.m.-12:45 p.m. Caprica/Battlestar Galactica: The Plan Ballroom 20. The present meets the past as the makers of Battlestar Galactica deliver the highly anticipated original series Caprica and the two-hour event, Battlestar Galactica: The Plan, directed by Edward James Olmos. This is your chance to get the inside scoop on these exciting projects and see two generations of Adamas on stage together for the first time. Executive Producers Ronald D. Moore, David Eick and Jane Espenson sit down with Caprica star Esai Morales (Joseph Adama) and Olmos (Admiral William Adama) to reveal the truth about these two new chapters in the mythology of Battlestar. Moderated by Geoff Boucher, Los Angeles Time

woooooo!!! i was very, very afraid that they would be in different rooms, right after each other. Now... I'll just have to get up ridiculously, ridiculously early to line up. THAT'S OKAY. YAY. Here's to hoping that it doesn't change.

In other news, Happy Canada Day! Yay Canada!

Also, thanks to a fantastic rec, I read a Gilmore Girls/SGA crossover last night (and by last night I mean, I started reading it around 1ish because I was amused by the idea, and finished it around 6 AM, because I couldn't stop.) SO GOOD. I love it when fics surprise me. Yay!! here is the rec, and oh em gee, SO. WORTH. IT.

Right now, I'm reading a fic... and it's wonderful and I am very much enjoying it... but it has reminded me of an issue that I have with Stargate.. both canon and fanon. And that is one Rodney McKay, and his often ignored Canadianness!

Other than random quips about Canada, the letter zed, and hockey jokes, he's not often touted for being Canadian. In the fic that I'm reading, he's essentially abandoned Canada because they didn't realize his talents.. and now all of the work he does is for the American government and military and contractors.

And.. this makes me sad. I have an issue with Canadians fleeing to the states at the first sign of success... and when I hear about Canadian's living in the US, it makes me sad. (if we're on the topic of Rodney... then, David Hewlett, I'm looking at you!)

I too, have wild and crazy dreams of becoming a successful TV writer and living in LA.... and then I remind myself that that would be Very Bad (but probably awesome) and I just.. will not do it. Plus - Vancouver really is the place to be. (Er, at least the place that I want to be). And... Toronto television is starting to actually exist in a legitimate way (note when I say legitimate, I say that because American networks have picked up Canadian shows, so I'm being a hypocrite*), so that is pretty fantastic too.

Anyway. I have read stories where Rodney is clearly Canadian and those make me happy... I just wish I came across more of it.

Sometimes, I'm very happy that American and Canadian culture is very similar. And... sometimes, I'm sad. We're our own nation with our own talent pool... and it's disappointing that it's difficult to be successful in a Canadian context. Success is often synonymous with USA, and that's that. For Rodney, it's the American military, and for David Hewlett, it's L.A.

Oh, Canada. I do love you, and I will never permanently leave you.

*hypocrite, yes. But... it's difficult to deny that US television networks are kind of "it".

I've been very busy with lots of stuff! Work, home, writing, wedding planning, etc. Boy and I are having a debate over music. He wants the imperial march. Which, I mean... okay, yeah - it's pretty awesome. But.. it's a star trek wedding! Andddd, don't tell me you don't crinkle your forehead in displeasure when someone calls Star Trek Star Wars, or vice versa. (My dad bought us a Star Wars book for christmas two years ago, thinking they were the same thing!)

SO! What do you think? Yay or Nay? Is it acceptable to mix and match, when every other part of the wedding is obviously Star Trek themed? Or, is it okay because - really. Imperial March = cool.




And now... I am going to try to decide if we're going to name the tables after planets or people! I feel like we'll run out of planets way before people, but an unknown planet will probably be less weird than an unknown person. Most non-trek folk will be able to appreciate sitting at Captain Kirk's table, and will be able to understand sitting at Vulcan.

But... Feringinar might be better than sitting at Kira Nerys. Not that she's obscure... but I think my grandparents would argue otherwise. Hmmm! So many things to think about!

oh oh! new idea! I'm printing out menus... I think I'll do one side normally, and the other i'll come up with random alien foods. Risotto kind of looks like Gagh... right? ... right? no? Nobody will know! eeeeeeee. heeee!!

thanks to a rec by kazbaby (discontinuity) at stargateficrecs, i was up long enough to see the sun rise reading john/cam. gahhhhhhhh brain melt.

also, i'm demoting mcshep from OTP status, because i read mckay/lorne after that and i am SO SOLD OMG. my john/daniel omg never really counted because i ship daniel with anything that moves, and my john/cam was kind of part time. no longer.

ALSO (this entry is turning out to be much longer than originally thought), that pairing meme that is going around? I wanted to do it, except it would be like. daniel/jack. daniel/john. daniel/cam. daniel/sam. daniel/rodney. .... and i didn't want to so blatantly announce my not-very-discrete love for daniel. hiding it at the end of a long entry is more appropriate.

okay! now i go and work.

i have returned from my journey to the north. i have very few coherent thoughts. here they are.

1. i like being canadian, and every time i find myself desiring to live in california, i will kick myself.

2. it makes me sad to think that in less than a month (omg.) i'll be getting married, and i never once had to question whether or not i *could* do it. a sad thought for those who do not have that option. dear everyone, move to canada! it's nice here. but keep your guns out.

3. just re-watched the episode where dax and worf get married. will work on writing our ceremony today.
"but the second heart beat stronger than the first, and the first was jealous of its power. fortunately, the second heart was tempered by wisdom." klingons are cool.

4. busy. busy but not, you know? there's so much that i should be doing that i'm not doing that i've run myself into a corner of overwhelmedness.

5. getting married is a lot of work. yeesh. also, sometimes i get angry with myself for getting married. then i tell myself that marriage must change from the inside, and then... i feel a bit better. i still feel like a sell out.

6. but it's kind of fun. and terrifying. but fun.

that is the end of my coherent thoughts.

oh - no. one more. self, you made a mistake reformatting your computer. what a pain in the ass. also self, stop cutting your own hair. i cannot wait for after the wedding, so i can get it cut properly. and cut all of the perm out. gods, what a mistake.

Dear Friends,

I participated in an SGA icon challenge, and I've made it to the finale!
yay!

Sooooo, I would love you a lot if you went and voted here. :D

In other news, I am at work and a bit bored. not a busy day. I did have someone call and ask for help regarding a password to "the web". I was highly confused.

In other other news, I have the night to myself to write write write write write. After my meeting with the person I am doing work for.

I had the flu, and I seem to have recovered. Getting the flu in swine flu season is sucky. One of the symptoms of a flu-that-will-kill-you is tightness in your chest, and having the flu when people are yelling PANDEMIC gives me anxiety! Which makes me feel like my chest is caving into itself! Which means I have tightness in my chest! Which makes me think I have swine flu! (even though I know I do not) and then the cycle continues until I slap some sense into myself.

So, needless to say - I'm still alive, I do not have swine flu and in fact, only had a 24 hour type of flu which is definitely my favourite kind of flu. I'm feeling much better, although my walk home from work will really be the judge of that.

koay work OVER!!!!!!!!

things that suck: having the flu.
things that suck more: having the flu when people are all "omg swine flu!!!!!"

i still have a chunk to write for my stargate summer story. i have been mad at it for quite some time, and being mad at a story makes it difficult to write! at least i can be vertical now.

My cat pulled a ninja cat on me tonight.
I also have keyboard cat stuck in my head.

Apparently, youtube cat videos have had a profound effect on my life.

So - how can I write a 2000 word essay in one night, and not write 2000 words of fiction in one night. Somebody, please tell me how this works. Fiction about stargate. Honestly! This makes no sense. I am in a slump!

I am at 1:30 for my sheppard vid. Which is a sheppard vid, and not mcshep, and I need to remind myself of that.

When I was a kid, my friend and I had a bracelet making business. We were probably around 9 and 10. One day I realized that she made more bracelets that I did, and I had more ideas. So - I deemed her President B (for bracelets) and I was President I (for ideas).

That story tells you quite a bit about my 9 year old self, and even more about my current self.

I am a writer that has no confidence in her writing or her ideas. I have much to say, but most of my posts die a "not good enough" death, and my stories fizzle out because I'm unhappy with them. It's always been this way. But I need to start finishing things and improving upon them and believing in myself, because if I do not, I can kiss my dreams of writing school goodbye.

It's okay to post mediocrity, because I'm aware that it's mediocre, that it isn't my best. I'm too afraid to face my best, or to even try to find it - because I'm terrified that my best will never be good enough.

That's enough for middle of the night introspection. My head is pounding and I'm exhausted. Terrified of sleep? Check. Afraid of tomorrow? Check.

Just another day.

Spoiler Free Review of Star Trek:

KASHDAKJSDHkjashdkjashdlkjahsdlk skajdfh slkjf haslkdfjh askjdf h sdakjf !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

( And the spoiley thoughts )

yessssssssssssssssssssssssss
sssssssssssssssssssssss
ssssssss
sssssssssssss

*finallllyyyyyy* the deposits showed up in my bank account, and i set up my paypal account for my bank and YAY PAID ACCOUNT.

thank you to hatman who offered to rescue me from my misery!

omg i can edit comments now. i never knew how painful it would be to not be able to do that. and all of my userpics!! *snuggle*

yesijustsnuggledmydw.

yay for patience!! (which actually involved me trying a few times a day and checking my bank account a lot and harassing Boy to sign up for paypal, but even his didn't work).

also! i've become re-obsessed with making friendship bracelets and... i am going to work on a pattern to do a stargate one. 

i am not sure if i should be proud of this. but I am! So.. yay? 

i am randomly giving invites out, and it's fun. there's a fair bit of wank going around regarding DW and invites, and if i can do even a little to assist in that, then i will!

i also just realized that my fic/icon journal has invites also.. so if you want an invite, send me a message! and DO NOT NAMESQUAT >:O (edit: which is, registering a DW username with no intention actually use account and only to "squat" on your name.)

I am out! 

*huff*

So, my PayPal issue is with PayPal, instead of somewhere between PayPal and DW. I took this opportunity to pay for my OTW membership, just to make sure everything was working okay. OTW worked without a hitch. So, I'm confused. :( I will wait and see if it works in the future.

But, I'm glad I finally did the OTW thing. I've been meaning to... but, meaning to and doing are very different things :P

Also, I've decided that I want to do a project. I want to make things for people!
So - I'm screening comments on this entry. The first three people to comment on this entry will get a present! The only catch is, I'd like to make a physical present! So if you are not comfortable with sharing your address, thennnnn... no present for you!

I will try to tailor it to your interests! It will most likely be totally random and silly, and hopefully fun!

dear dreamwidth,

i want to give you my money! please let me!

sincerely,
avaloste.

omgggg logged out homepage is pretty!
omgggg open beta is exciting!!!

omgggg.
if i am this excited, i cannot imagine how excited other people must be who have been working to make this site what it is!
and everyone else, of course.

so, so fantastic and so, so excited.

yay!

ahhh, my brain! it hurts!
specifically: i am a fairly new vidder, and i had some of the seasons of SGA, and some of them downloaded. i have north american dvds, and i'm pretty sure the downloaded ones were ripped from not north american dvds. this led me to actually wanting to scream and rip my eyes out.

so i went out and bought seasons 1 and 4, and now i am happy. :D although i would have felt ... possibly, more impressed with myself for overcoming the barriers of working with wonky source material... but it's for the best. and i learned more than i ever needed to know about DVDs. and now i own every season. except for, you know, the animated series. has anyone even seen it? is it something i should start playing for my children when they are watching cartoons? (the children that don't yet exist.)

so, kazbaby, the video has experienced a setback, but it's alllll for the best! 

also. i have a song.. err.. i've got that boom boom.. by britney. it cracks me up. anyway, at the beginning, someone yells something, and every time i hear it, i hear "sha'reee!"

ohhh, stargate. gets outta my brainssss.

in other musical news, i cannot stop listening to metric. i want to stop listening to it! i'm going to get sick of it. but, i cannot. it's so fantastic and yay.

also omg. i actually get so excited when i'm making vids, i want to show everyone right away!! and Boy is just looking at me and keeps telling me to finish the BSG one. (which i totally should because that one is to a filk and it will be greatttttttt). but john sheppard sort of trumps the world. right? yes!!

today is a good day. a great day! i think i'm going to make spaghetti squash. :D

also, i'm really tempted to make a teeny daniel emoticon, and then make a daniel moodtheme.
would that be fantastic or too much? or maybe rodney. i feel like little tiny angry rodney emoticons would be hilarious.

omg i cannot handle jack and sam videos.

I told myself, self - you're going to get to 20,000 words before you go to bed or I WILL BE MAD AND IT WILL BE BAD BECAUSE THE DEADLINE IS OMG SOON.

And then my friend and I started talking about disney movies and songs and one thing lead to another and we were talking about little mermaid and kiss the girl and suddenly I was watching PengYn's jack/sam video and I just explode every time. Ahhh gods, sometimes I wonder if they're my OTP.

I say that while I should be writing my jack/daniel story, which is awkward (the story, not passing Jack around in my head) but I need to get it out out out of my head so I can rewrite it! Makes sense, yes? YES.

It's an AU in the "what if THIS didn't happen" sense, and I'm really enjoying it, and also not enjoying it. There's a lot of dialogue, which makes sense because i'm a screenwriter in training (and by training, I mean working on applications for school and by working on applications I mean gathering requirements and staring at them and trying to graduate from my first degree) and I love dialogue but, really, it's making it take forever to get places.

And I say that, but I think my story is going to be long, unless I don't emphasize the whole saving the world part (because, really - what kind of silly story would this be if SG1 didn't save the world?) but you know, that's often kind of important.

Maybe I'll pull a Martin and SG1 will get to the point where they almost figure things out, and wrap it all up with "and they saved the world and lived happily ever after."

Good idea?

I thought so.

Iam also learning how to use semi colons. I'm not sure if I'm using them properly. If you see me commit a semi colon sin, please tell me.

OMG PROCRASTINATING.

I’ve been thinking about people referring to their physical life as their real life, which then sort of automatically puts everything else as “not real” or “not as real as that”. I do it too; I separate the physical from the computer, and talk about them in the same terminology as many others do.

But why?

I couldn’t help but start to wonder today, what exactly makes my online life different from my real one?

I’m going to somewhat suspend fandom from this idea, only because a Great Many People separate fandom from other things for various reasons. (myself included.)

I’ve found myself in the position of defending my online activities to others, trying to justify them as legitimate activities, as legitimate ways to spend my time. I work with OTW (and by work I mean am being trained) and I interact with Real Live People, some of whom I don’t hesitate to call my friends. And I feel like the time that I spend online is Very Real Time. The hours tick away, very much like they do when I’m sitting or standing or watching TV or reading or whatever else.

I suppose I’m just questioning why, when so much of our lives are now digital and networked, we don’t consider them real or our own. By creating a distinction between worlds, we are separating ourselves. Our data is ephemeral – whether it’s inside our tangible computers or on intangible servers (well, to us) or somewhere else in cyberspace. It exists, and it’s very very real to us, yet we distance ourselves.

And so I’m wondering why we keep the distance. Perhaps it is still too new. But in the age of digital photos and digital video and digital text and e-mails and teleconferences and groups of people working together who have never met – is it not time to say that it is real?

Maybe one can say that “real life” is just a phrase. But, words hold many things inside of them, and I think that maybe it’s time for a change.