Story telling

I was never ready, for such noise. I didn't think it through, as most of it wasn't left up to me.

My world has turned upside down and right side up again, all in 1 cycle. I had you, rested, and had the privilege of not continuing work due to the current turn of events. And then there is no work. None.

Positive light, that I must find, came to me a bit later, and only after I had outbursts and fits as my logic made more sense of how I shall cope on how we were supposed to make ends meet. 

It hurts the most, when those closest to you laugh at you as if you were joking when you said times are tough. 

If only they knew.

1460

days later.

Words can not even describe what I feel inside. So I won't spoil it. I will write it in your birthday card, so you know.

I love you with all my heart, you handsome monkey you. 

Angels to keep

This time, a few years back. I asked for something for everyone I cared about.  And today, a few years later. I am witnessing with my own eyes and hearing with my heart. 

Thank You, for answering my prayers. I believe You have.

A towel for your dip

I have a corny fear for swimming pools - empty ones that is. Growing up watching english movies which had dutch subtitles by the likes of The Boogeyman, and a quirky one with the scene of these babes in the swimming pool ( I think they were blind) and the crazy scientist cum healer who was supposedly treating their blindness - releasing a whole family of snakes into the pool sort of tarnished my memory for good. That was the affirmation that led me to believe swimming pools were CURSED. 

And now, I am a mother of two and that means jack. 

Cause I am still afraid of swimming pools.

There was once a period in my life where public pools excite me.

I had a gunny sack all ready with the essentials, a banana boat spf50 sunblock which never gave me blemishes, a purple colored swimsuit which I thought was so me - you could tell it was me from afar, random collection of swimming caps as I never understood why you'd want to keep your hair tidy if you were going for a dip nor do they keep head lice away, and an unruly array of towels that I could never keep track of...at least they were clean towels.

Back then I did have a semi-identity crisis if you may. I loved water sports, but I was also a hijab donning chick. Public pools sort of confuse me. Sure I was self-conscious. Turn on numb mode, pay the lowly fee of rm5 or rm6 depending on where I was and I'd shrug it off in the changing room, while checking out the crowd (if there were any in the shower stalls).  Get my gear on and into the pool I go. Oh, and I almost never shower before jumping in unless theres someone watching.

As much as swimming is an individual effort and sport, the busy flutter kicks and strokes that ripple through the water is something that I welcome, the pool immediately feels warm. 

We don't say much - no matter how hard we've tried, we just didn't need to. The sun was shading everything a delicious bronze. You'd squint at me and I'd smile back, our way of saying "I'm OK, are you?" We didn't stop for long as we're running out of daylight. Mentally I keep track of the laps I've made and averaged them out with my split times, so I save the last few laps to practise on my butterfly. A stroke so beautiful and graceful that never seems to be getting enough love from me. 

You were there, we both were, but we swam anyways because the warmth felt so good.

The flutter kicks, hard strokes and roll overs continue, as the hours go by and we don't say anything until we get to the car.  Famished.

We were both there, that day. 

Only years later did we realize the warmth we felt was from our hearts beating to the same stroke, pounding away in rhythm, and when we stopped swimming, all we were left with was pieces of our swimming suits that we could no longer fit into, scratched goggles, swimming caps that seemed to have doubled in number, my super soiled towel- and all I can recall fondly now was how your sideways grin crept up your face as you offered me your towel instead.

Wanderlusting again

Its that time of the year again, where my feed on social media is flooded with pictures of my friends on their excursions. Financial crisis what? It doesn't seem to be affecting anyone to any extent that a cold eye view would reveal. Ah social media. You only upload what you want the world to know about you. 

I've been lazying around at home blissfully and with two boys under my watch I've realized how much Mika has grown up - both physically and mentally. While currently working on his first year photo album, I browsed across photos from our Nepal trip.. You were just a baby! Still pudgy, still learning to understand rules and had zero clue what we were doing out there in the wilderness. I want to take you places, and perhaps you won't recall a thing, but the timing of good health is now.. Anyways, don't ever say I never took you anywhere.

Where to, where to?

I have an unrelenting itch to take out our winter gear as my heart is tremendously fond of snow and I wanted a bit more than a trip to the beach - and chocolate everything. 

Your Ramadhan

Oh wow how time has passed me by. 

Ramadan, bittersweet and anxious at the same time. How will I fair, with Mika, with you onboard for the whole 30 days. This is a first!

You are agitated and tired. Can't survive a day without eating heavily during sahur. And man, you are so cranky when its close to sundown. I am amazed. 

Here I am, at week 34, hopping about literally like a penguin. And yet you go about hastily buying air bandung (which only after a week did you understand the fact that you had to buy me one as well) and we even purchased an enormous tumbler for you to drink out of. What a child!!

And yet you remain simple and plain, only wanting rice and chicken. Additional finger foods are fun but never expected. I really had it easy, compared to some of my other friends. 

And as a mother, this life is really about others - your dependents, your parents, your partner. Never will it ever be about you. Which, is just as good as a reason for me to go serious crazy shoe shoping.

This month alone I bought seven pairs of fancy footwear. 

My weeks

Oh wow. I wanted to write earlier but this got stuck in the process.

I miss my weeks, tired and exhausted I was getting through them. True, what they say about age taking its toll if you decide to have kids at a later age. I had Mika when I was 27. But it wasn't after having him that I had the time and 'life' to start running and continued with yoga.

I'm a mother of two now, its quite overwhelming. Before it just felt like I was left in charge of just one person solely when I had Mika, and now I'm responsible for two little hearts (nagging and crying and constantly seeking attention).

I wake up with much ease for the feedings, and only once or twice had trouble putting Alex to sleep. 

The more I am on this journey, the more I feel like I don't really need anything other than my own two hands to make things happen. Please keep me close to You, so that I don't start losing my marbles on this road that makes me feel quite alone.

Why so quiet?

This is a first. I am bothered by your absence. By the lack of news. By the worry it has resulted me in.

This is new for me. I don't normally mind. I have faith and I know. But I stretch my bedtime in case you would buzz.

I usually go for weeks, and I know.

My body is tired every day, from lack of sleep, from anxiety of wondering when you will call. My mind is exhausted, from thinking of clever ways to manipulate my own flesh and blood into giving me trouble-free mornings.

20th, you said. That's just 2 more days.

I have never felt this worried, and uncertain. 

Raising Mika

He has reached his 3 year mark a while back..and the realization that he is no longer a baby boy has hit me (finally?) Its like finding out how many things you have done wrong and then trying to be all clever in correcting it. But isn't that what parenting is all about? Now I wish I had more time... (as the excuses roll in).

We've had to transition him out of his babysitter's place as there was nothing constructive, character building nor beneficial other than the fact that someone is looking after him with much love and care. It was indeed time to send him off to playschool, where - toys are forbidden, candies a major no no, phones are non present and the telly was turned on after 4pm. Sounds like heaven!

The main challenge was getting him ready in the morning as 7 is just too early to pop him into the shower and expect him to co-operate in getting ready as he sees his playschool frocks laid out on the bed. He'd say no to everything, no school, no friends... but amazingly when asked why he doesn't want to go to school he would remain quiet and that tells me there is nothing really wrong with school itself. He just didn't want to conform to the schedule and tight routine we were laying out for him. Tough luck, kid.

Of course in an ideal world (like who doesn't want that?) is to drop our kids off by 9-10 am and pick them up after their mid-day nap at 2 or 3 even. Sorry but Mama has to work. Maybe some time in the future, we can have that luxury  - but then again, Mama does not run a daycare center. 

First few days, its been so entertaining to watch him. Comical even, please forgive me boy. He'd rant and be all sappy and pluck himself closely to me above the bump. Once we reached his school, he'd get out of the car, tow his bag and walk straight into the school's walkway and head on down to the shoe rack. Takes off his star wars crocs and parks them nicely in the small pigeon holes. And without looking out, he would trot on into class. Amazing! On some days we would be a bit late, and his friends would be out in the yard and on some occasions we'd have 1 or 2 of his friends call out his name. He'd totally ignore them and get out of the car the same way we've seen him do for the past few days. 

I've never had the chance to pick him up, so I do squeeze out the most I can from F and he seems to be most chirpy and positive when back from school. 

I trade off as many of the things that he favors for the things that are better for him. In hierarchy it would be :

1. Yogurt drinks with his medication - fed with spoon (on his request! Can you imagine the excitement?!)

2. Hot wheels or any toys with a trip to the movies 

3. Milk bottles with cleaning up his toys and or straight into bed 

4. Good behavior with a trip to the arcades (where he'll only really want to play about 2-3 games at max)

His doctor said that I am not doing him a favor by keeping him on the bottle as the milk really does not have that much benefit for him now. We have slowly cut down from 4-6 bottles a day to only 3. And totally eliminated the one before bed time. 

I do appreciate that some kids are easier than others, and some will take a bit more effort. Either way I never think that I am being cruel to them by denying them things they want, sooner or later they will get that and probably super super later they will agree with me or thank me even!

One of the trees

I am tired, of holding on to things that do not matter..

I used to get confused with meditation and self empowerment and chanting and praying. All of them seemed greyed out to a dark corner which I knew, if unprepared - I could easily get lost into. 

I do a lot of yoga, a lot (in my books) up till today at 21weeks. 

I'm trying out something new (who would've thought - never in a million years) and hopefully I can make this work for me. I've always loved teaching, hated the office stress and if I can empower more women to look after themselves while I'm at it - why not? 

Usually in class the instructors would lead us through a group meditation - he/she would convince us that we are perfect the way we are, and that now is the right time and here is the perfect place for us to be.. And then the challenge would come - he/she would ask us to choose something that is unnecessary in life, useless, and weighs us down for no reason - to let that root go, to free ourselves from worldly grasp that does us no good. 

And I would flunk, terribly.. For I loved the world (my world) just too much and I had wanted to get rid of my infatuation with pretty shiny things but was too weak to commit. Its so trivial it is embarassing for me to admit here.

I tried, really. 

I practised planting myself on terra firma. And when I find peace with myself, and chose something that I knew I could succeed to live without.. Slowly, loosening my grip, I let it go.

Let me sleep

Sometimes the heart calls for the most humanly basics - rest, love, respect.. 

I get puzzled and lost often when relating to society. Why we need to put others' needs ahead of ours. Shouldn't life be simple?

If everybody put themselves second, and everyone else as priority, then surely once in a while a poor soul would be wandering, alone and confused.

I never understood why it is such a crime to sleep when tired, eat when hungry and cry when upset. Why do we defy so much of the natural instincts - to create a stronger facade..

We are nothing close to being programmable. 

Let the robotics be left, to the robots..

Jln Alor III

We met up again, in Jalan Alor.

It is like visiting a longtime friend, the air is the same, the decorations seem to have not changed a bit. The settled dust is removed, from passersby and new signs are up and we are lost each time we get there. What is the name of that stall? We can’t seem to recall.

Familiar faces, with our usual order of food.. the crowd grows, and so does my tummy. I hide under black layers but not intentionally.

We share our wonderful news, and I absorb it all, as I intently scrape out remaining bits of coconut flesh from the shell. An eye on the little one, and another on my swift scraping. I swallow quickly so that I can interrupt the conversation and laugh while it still made stupid sense. I missed all of you guys, so much.

Later we promised to keep in touch, and shared bowls of coconut ice cream, took photos and again become touristy in our own home..

Vivid dreams

This time it is so different. 

I have been having these weird dreams and you promised they were suppose to go away. Heavily drugged, I find myself numb in my toes but my fingers could feel the hard throbbing of my heart the minute I am awake. Such a bad dream, I shut my eyes in disbelief, calming myself with some yin breathing. I feel myself sink deeper into the mattress. The alarm goes off again and I stomp my fingers on snooze.

Why now? 

Its been a while, since I last dreamt of you. At least it was a pleasant encounter. We had a decent conversation which I recall nothing of. Our circle seems to be getting smaller - are you clausterphobic?

A lot of people will never get why I do yoga - I need constant practise and method on how to let go. To be reminded, constantly, like a dory fish.

I lay now in my bed, ready for slumber. And yet I am so restless I do not want to meet you again. 

This time it is so different. You promised, uncertain yourself.

hcmc

Feels like I am the last person to set foot here. The densely populated streets, the crazy number of motorbikes, the lack of system for crossing streets and main roads.

I learned the acronym a while back. I didn't even recall it being a capital city of anywhere. Cause it changed names.

The food was wonderful and green, raw and fresh. I could repeat the noodles, the spring rolls, the cut fruits.. the wonderfully rich mocha like vietnamese coffee - that everyone has sworn you'd never be able to replicate at home. I refuse to believe this but have yet to try.

I wished I had more energy, and more time to explore you. I bet the countrysides are even more breathtaking.

Thank you for letting me pretend I am french-asian. Letting me walk around in my sleeping pants. Letting the cool breeze kiss my face as I trail along the empty palace. Letting me panic from Mika's sudden crying whilst inside the Cu Chi tunnel.

Enticing my senses, stretching my imagination.

Alo 2015!!!

New year yawnnn.

Am so late, I know. This year I am blessed with so many things. Mainly my parents back home for good. And the slow activity of the oil business has caused F to hang out longer at home. At the back of my mind for sure I am worried about him and his status. You need to keep the faith, and sleep knowing that its not in your hands and that al-Alim will take care of things for you and the family.

I had a wonderful 2014, Alhamdulillah. And I am sure you did too. May we be blessed in every way possible and be not a burden to anyone around us.

Take care.