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This journal is private as of 2019. Strangers welcome, but please message me and tell me a little about yourself if you'd like to connect! My typical topics of interest include music (especially folk music), tarot, bicycles, resisting fascism, perfume, books, old ballads, genderfuckery, and resisting apathy. I don't bite, usually.

honk!

Oct. 10th, 2017 11:04 am
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This was the first year I've been able to enjoy all Saturday at HONK! fest, my favorite hometown festival. Too many brass bands to count take over Davis Square and play all day, and make the crowds dance their little feet off. Or at least, they make this bird dance her feet off. I definitely didn't hydrate enough, which is maybe why I was so tired the next day. (The SCUL mission also went late, resulting in mission failure because Pastry Queen did turn into a pumpkin spice latte, and that might have done something.)

I wandered for the first few hours, intermittently stopping at Tashari's fancy dress tea party to talk to friends, eat food, and pet Fergus the corgi, who had a robot costume this year. Nick took a great picture of me, just like he did last year when it was cool enough to be wearing velvet and long sleeves. (Not this year!) Extraordinary Rendition did the best marching band "Toxic" I've ever heard, and all of Boycott's set, when I was on donation-collecting duty, was fabulous.

Antlers got there after work and danced with me to my favorite Somerville band, Emperor Norton's Stationary Marching Band, but then took off to get some rest. I stayed and ate dinner with Thundersnow, who used to live around there before the move to Vermont, and was delighted to find an actual grocery store in Davis. I've only been here two years, three if you count my visits to Somerville when I was dating Raine, and already I can see how much the square is gentrifying. Johnny D's is gone. The Family Dollar is gone. The B in BFresh might as well stand for "Broke," because that's what you're going to be if you just shop there. Where is the middle ground between the wilted vegetables of a convenience store and Whole Paycheck, and where does it fit into the town center?

It was raining when Antlers and I went down to assemble for the parade, and my raincoat soaked through. I'd been hoping to ride DB Cooper, but I forgot to replace a spoke during an MRC period when everything else seemed to be blowing up and my hands were coated with grease, so it wasn't go-fly and I grabbed Centurion. The water stopped falling from the sky before we launched into an hour of riding in circles and collecting epic amounts of high-fives. I'd had to wear something professional-looking to go to work afterwards because the boss scheduled me for emergency coverage, so I was in a funk because I'd picked something all-black under my blue raincoat, so I wouldn't clash. (I'd thought I'd have to wear my raincoat all parade.) Zin everyday can wear all black, but if I'm Tanager, I don't like wearing all black. Antlers lent me his necklace and a scarf, so I felt less like I was dressed for a funeral then, and we were ready to go!

I saw plenty of friends along the parade route and Centurion, it turns out, is the perfect height to high-five kids in motion. 113! The only way it could have been more perfect is if I'd gotten to relax afterwards, but I had to do my relaxing grocery shopping on Monday instead. 

wormwood

Oct. 4th, 2017 08:55 pm
avilion: A picture of a Blue-Gray Tanager. (Default)
Whenever my therapist asks me a question I'm not prepared to answer, or asks me "what's happening?" if she notices I've gone silent or my posture shifts, Wormwood roars up from behind my heart and tries to take over my face, my hands, my everything.

It is the bitterness inside me, the bitter perfectionism that believes every question has a right answer, and everything has a right way to do it. When I do things "right" it's silent. When I do them "wrong" it makes my body shake, my shoulders tense, my legs ache, my teeth compulsively chew my gums and then I can't kiss anyone without it hurting.

Sometimes it's quiet, murmuring in the background that I'm not doing things right and that I don't deserve what I have. In the arms of my partners it disappears completely, which is one reason I know all of them are good matches for me. When I was dating a former partner it almost strangled me. It's the impulse to hurt myself so I don't do things wrong again, because according to it, that's the only way I'll ever learn.

October is the month to work with shadows, as Persephone slips below the ground before the year turns into darkness. To make peace with them so we can last the cold, dark months holding onto what light we have.


YDW Plague

Oct. 2nd, 2017 08:56 pm
avilion: A picture of a Blue-Gray Tanager. (Default)
Maybe my post about being sick cursed me because I seem to have picked up a case of the Post Youth Dance Weekend Plague, and now my head is pounding and throat is sore. Time for some Harney & Sons Hot Cinnamon Spice and chicken soup!
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I was recently talking to Dead Bride and Leotard[1] at Artisan's Asylum when Pastry Queen and all the other folks who went to Lithuania this summer gave their talk. Leotard had the flu and so was sitting by herself in a corner- I think she was on day nine - and I mentioned that I was relieved to have gotten my flu shot, because I didn't know it was going around this early. Dead Bride said she'd only gotten a flu shot once in her life, when her work gave them out for free.

As a kid, I would have killed to be Dead Bride. Not only did I hate shots, I actually looked forward to being sick. Back then, being sick meant I was cared for. Pop would make me food. I got to stay home from school and watch old tapes or, if I was over 11, browse the Harry Potter fansites I frequented. Maybe some of the appeal was because it didn't happen very frequently. My parents were adamant about keeping myself and my brother on schedule, and we never missed a flu shot, booster shot, or dentist appointment.

My pediatrician's office was near a Friendly's, and if my brother and I made it through the shots without crying, we'd get Friendly's ice cream afterwards. This lasted for a few years until maybe I was eleven or twelve, when we were thought of as old enough to not cry when we got stuck with needles. When I asked for post-doctor ice cream after that point, we always had to get home because we had to pick up Mom from the station and we were about to have dinner at home, or we had ice cream at home and could eat it there, and we could even buy chocolate sauce and sprinkles, how about that? But even if I had a flavor I liked waiting in the freezer, it just wasn't the same as ordering from the menu, looking through the plethora of flavors to pick the very best one, and eating it in the car. 

Now, I'm twenty-four, and I don't have sick days, and being sick means taking a day without pay, and I can't afford to do that. Also, getting the flu while living on my own would Suck Major Ass. I've been fortunate enough not to get anything more intense than colds and UTIs since moving out on my own, and when I went into the doctor's office to get my ears irrigated recently, I asked the doctor if I could get my flu shot as well since I was there. It pinched. It hurt. I imagined Antlers running his long fingers through my hair and I didn't cry. 

And then I marched across Davis Square and got myself ice cream because that's how I do.

[1] all these characters are fellow pilots in SCUL, a gang of funky freaky bikers in my current town of Somerville that I recently joined
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It's nice to be here! I'm just another Tumblr exile, looking forward to more journaling and less scrolling.

NAME: Razinthia, or Zin if that's too much of a mouthful.
AGE: 24

INTERESTS & HOBBIES: dancing, folk music, writing, tarot, cycling, reading literary nonfiction, YA, sci-fi or fantasy, video games, making playlists.

LOOKING FOR: People who'll motivate me to write, people who aren't arseholes, people with similar interests to me.

ANYTHING ELSE?: I'm probably the straightest-passing queer polyamorous bird in my town. I'm trying to post an entry every single day in October, and maybe going forward if I can keep it up. I've always been awful at things like that and I'm hoping this (which is easier to access and not as data-sucking on mobile as Tumblr) will help me out!



ALSO KNOWN AS: razinthia on Instagram, which is almost exclusively tarot. flying-tanager on Twitter, which is not too active because I have to use Twitter for Real Life sometimes and I'm still working out the balance between what should go on Professional Twitter and what should go on private Twitter. To the bike gang I've joined, I'm Tanager.

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