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(no subject)
Mar. 22nd, 2025 04:14 pmhaven't posted in a while, i've been busy.
finally working on my capstone. its a fuck ton of work, but it feels really good. (graphic novel, art major.) my torn ACL relapsed this week, and I have drastically less range of motion now that I did at the start of the injury 3 months ago. probably due to lack of sleep + increased workload. my roommates can't figure out that slamming the door wakes me up, so i wake up 1-3 times per night without fail cause they really fucking suck. both were random assigned roommates. one is a blatant manchild (ex. takes lint out of dryer trap, leaves it on the dryer. sometimes there'll be 3 lint shits on the dryer for days on end, and we're expected to clean it.) and the other very clearly cant cope with the fact that his roommates live differently than his parents, and i think he'll spend the rest of his life trying to live the same way he did when he was 15, for better and for much worse. (ex. told me "everyone is a deep sleeper in college" so i logically should be sleeping through him slamming the sliding glass door 4 feet below my head so hard it knocks shit off my windowsill with the vibrations.) i'm sick of their shit tbh.
i'm getting top surgery in june! waiting is hard, but i need to move on with my life. lots of stress with travel and logistics.
about to graduate college, and thats stressing me out, too. i cant live with my parents cause they have rampant and untreated anxiety they project on others, it's really unhealthy to live in for both me and them. that said, idk if i can get a job by 1.5 months post-top surgery. cest la vie ig.
it's getting hard to spend time with my friends. idk if i'm just stressed out with capstone work, or if i've changed as a person. a lot of my social circle is through the trans club, and there's so many undergrads there that form really unhealthy codependent bonds with each other. a lot of times i'll make a friend, but have to put walls up cause they'll treat me like their mom/dad/therapist if i don't. a couple members are dealing with severe depression rn because this one person is using them as their reason d'etre, and its like zombie tag with depression. our university literally has free therapy sessions (large state school), there's literally no reason to not be in therapy when its included in tuition. there's some chronically online younger folks who can't go 2 sentences without making a 9/11 or skibidi joke, there's some people who overshare and don't know how to hold an adult conversation without trauma dumping, and there's some folks who are mean and will take any sign of weakness as an in to display their superiority. i think when i was going from introvert to extrovert, it was reassuring to be around other folks who were socially awkward. now that i know how to interact with lots of different types of people, it's hard to interact with this weird web of folks. i have a friend group from the summer that is mostly people who know how to hold their own socially, but im not judgemental enough to fit in, i think? (like if we're having a conversation, id rather talk about what i think is cool rather than what i think is shit.) and even that group has had like 4 major splits since summer, due to mean girling, break ups, romantic jealousy, and dark shit. i still hang out with 2 ppl from that group, and i wouldnt really choose to hang with the others in that group on my own, but its hard to hear about in-group stuff when i know everyone involved and im not invited. im mostly hanging out with other art majors, since we spend dozens of hours together in the same few 3XXX and 4XXX level classes. i just feel angry all the time, and stressed, and its like i can see all my friendship meters going down in real time, except for with the art majors. i get why we're an insular, in-group bunch these days.
its a really bad time to be changing my legal name and gender marker. no way to know if itll set off flags in the government that lead to something sinister. its a bad time to be starting a career in general. my whole graduating class doesnt know whats going on with our futures, job offers are being pulled left and right; grad school acceptances are being rescinded. STEM people who thought theyd be rich out of college are on their ass, trans folks arent sure if we should settle down or leave the country while we still can. im not sure if i should move home or to europe.
ive also gotten into womens pro hockey (pwhl). highly recommend a watch!
finally working on my capstone. its a fuck ton of work, but it feels really good. (graphic novel, art major.) my torn ACL relapsed this week, and I have drastically less range of motion now that I did at the start of the injury 3 months ago. probably due to lack of sleep + increased workload. my roommates can't figure out that slamming the door wakes me up, so i wake up 1-3 times per night without fail cause they really fucking suck. both were random assigned roommates. one is a blatant manchild (ex. takes lint out of dryer trap, leaves it on the dryer. sometimes there'll be 3 lint shits on the dryer for days on end, and we're expected to clean it.) and the other very clearly cant cope with the fact that his roommates live differently than his parents, and i think he'll spend the rest of his life trying to live the same way he did when he was 15, for better and for much worse. (ex. told me "everyone is a deep sleeper in college" so i logically should be sleeping through him slamming the sliding glass door 4 feet below my head so hard it knocks shit off my windowsill with the vibrations.) i'm sick of their shit tbh.
i'm getting top surgery in june! waiting is hard, but i need to move on with my life. lots of stress with travel and logistics.
about to graduate college, and thats stressing me out, too. i cant live with my parents cause they have rampant and untreated anxiety they project on others, it's really unhealthy to live in for both me and them. that said, idk if i can get a job by 1.5 months post-top surgery. cest la vie ig.
it's getting hard to spend time with my friends. idk if i'm just stressed out with capstone work, or if i've changed as a person. a lot of my social circle is through the trans club, and there's so many undergrads there that form really unhealthy codependent bonds with each other. a lot of times i'll make a friend, but have to put walls up cause they'll treat me like their mom/dad/therapist if i don't. a couple members are dealing with severe depression rn because this one person is using them as their reason d'etre, and its like zombie tag with depression. our university literally has free therapy sessions (large state school), there's literally no reason to not be in therapy when its included in tuition. there's some chronically online younger folks who can't go 2 sentences without making a 9/11 or skibidi joke, there's some people who overshare and don't know how to hold an adult conversation without trauma dumping, and there's some folks who are mean and will take any sign of weakness as an in to display their superiority. i think when i was going from introvert to extrovert, it was reassuring to be around other folks who were socially awkward. now that i know how to interact with lots of different types of people, it's hard to interact with this weird web of folks. i have a friend group from the summer that is mostly people who know how to hold their own socially, but im not judgemental enough to fit in, i think? (like if we're having a conversation, id rather talk about what i think is cool rather than what i think is shit.) and even that group has had like 4 major splits since summer, due to mean girling, break ups, romantic jealousy, and dark shit. i still hang out with 2 ppl from that group, and i wouldnt really choose to hang with the others in that group on my own, but its hard to hear about in-group stuff when i know everyone involved and im not invited. im mostly hanging out with other art majors, since we spend dozens of hours together in the same few 3XXX and 4XXX level classes. i just feel angry all the time, and stressed, and its like i can see all my friendship meters going down in real time, except for with the art majors. i get why we're an insular, in-group bunch these days.
its a really bad time to be changing my legal name and gender marker. no way to know if itll set off flags in the government that lead to something sinister. its a bad time to be starting a career in general. my whole graduating class doesnt know whats going on with our futures, job offers are being pulled left and right; grad school acceptances are being rescinded. STEM people who thought theyd be rich out of college are on their ass, trans folks arent sure if we should settle down or leave the country while we still can. im not sure if i should move home or to europe.
ive also gotten into womens pro hockey (pwhl). highly recommend a watch!
(no subject)
Oct. 8th, 2024 09:38 pmgot kicked out of physical therapy because i missed 3 appointments. ive been with this physical therapist for a year and shes the only person in my life whos made an actual dent in this 6.5+ year injury meltdown because it's so fucking complex. there was no reason i missed, i just forgot. i'm so overwhelmed it just slipped my mind. i have no future without her. i cant work full time because of all my injuries. i woke up today with a future and now i just... don't have one. i don't know what to do. kind words would be greatly appreciated. i feel so sick. im going to beg them to take me back tomorrow.
COOL STARDEW VALLEY MODS I JUST FOUND
Jul. 18th, 2024 05:05 pmsometimes i wanna share shit w friends but i dont wanna use discord as my personal blog. then i remembered i have a personal blog! as im updating upwards of 100 mods, heres:
COOL STARDEW MODS I JUST FOUND UNDER THE CUT
( Read more... )
COOL STARDEW MODS I JUST FOUND UNDER THE CUT
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(no subject)
Jul. 15th, 2024 04:58 pmim still reeling.
I
LIKE
BOYS??? HENLO????
i was functionally a lesbian from 2016-2023 (said i was bi from 2016-2018, but joked about liking all women and rarely men) and only cared about being wlw. like??? ~7 years being an active wlw and now im a... mlm??? where the FUK did this come from??? why does it explain so much??? i mean, before i went on t i never felt attracted to anyone, so like. it was literally impossible to figure out my sexuality until now. cause i was missing the biggest piece (me). but STILL. men? ahhh! im not even a mlw, im pretty sure im solidly mlm and mlnb. wtf??? how could they (my brain) do this to me (me)?? idk. having a big crisis. like damn, i really repressed so much shit. idk.
I
LIKE
BOYS??? HENLO????
i was functionally a lesbian from 2016-2023 (said i was bi from 2016-2018, but joked about liking all women and rarely men) and only cared about being wlw. like??? ~7 years being an active wlw and now im a... mlm??? where the FUK did this come from??? why does it explain so much??? i mean, before i went on t i never felt attracted to anyone, so like. it was literally impossible to figure out my sexuality until now. cause i was missing the biggest piece (me). but STILL. men? ahhh! im not even a mlw, im pretty sure im solidly mlm and mlnb. wtf??? how could they (my brain) do this to me (me)?? idk. having a big crisis. like damn, i really repressed so much shit. idk.
(no subject)
Jul. 14th, 2024 01:45 amwhen does a gathering of college folks become a party? i went to another thing tonight with like 20 people, lots of drinking and music, and also the weakest wii competitions youve seen (read: cause half the players are drunk or using it as a drinking game. i couldnt drink cause i was dd and also i hadnt taken my t shot and i cant do an injection drunk safely.) idk, it was college party-adjacent. we aren't a friend group, just a community of folks here for a summer. i spent the first 90 minutes being quiet and playing the wii and feeling super sad and left out, but i saw the social girl of the summer looking left out and struck up a conversation about her summer bucket list which turned into a group talking about queer dating and then dishing tea about crazy ex friends and roommates. (side note: this is a random sampling of the town's summer college town residents, and i talked about how before i started testosterone, i was ace and it was only after t that i felt sexual attraction and one of the cis straight ppl was like "damn they really paywalled your sexuality, huh" and this mixed group of 7 straight/queer folks all laughed equally. its giving me a lot of hope that i dont need to be in a trans bubble to make connections with other humans :)
also i told my story of the person ive been talking to off hinge for the summer and they all confirmed that person was being a little flighty, so im probably not gonna text them back. then the rest of the party i spent listening to the social girl's story about her awful ex friend and i told my awful ex roommate story. it was a gossip session and i finally fit somewhere. really glad i didnt leave early cause i really wanted to at the beginning cause i felt so left out by not drinking. people said genuine goodbyes to me, not just "oh someones leaving i should say bye."s. i had some delicious homebaked cookies. i set some ppl up on a date (hope it goes well?) after spring semester's insanity, it feels like im actually getting to live this summer, regardless of whatever's going on with my shoulder. be social. escape my hyper-queer bubble. between this, smores night, pride, and 4th of july, ive been to so many social gatherings this summer with mostly complete strangers and its been so wonderful :)))
(no subject)
Jul. 11th, 2024 05:08 pmthis summer is wild. met a ton of new ppl, but also im so injured. still 2 knee tendinitis, and i mightve torn my rotator cuff. its been 3 weeks and id gotten some range of motion back and tried to reach up to the microwave today (my phsyical therapist said to try to use it without pain or id be in much worse shape) and it hurt so bad and now its very, very painful and hard to move again T-T
im also still fighting for my gender affirming surgery letter, since my therapist's boss says she cant do it and you usually need the letter writing to say theyll treat you for 6-12 months after writing it so id need to fully switch therapists... the lgbt director at my uni might have me covered but damn this shits wild
also hard questioning my sexuality again. like i thought i was a lesbian from 2018-2023 so being wlw has been a core part of my identity for years (and bi for 2.5 years prior), although i never kissed a girl or held hands or went on a date with one, and im now realizing like. perhaps getting drunk circa 2022 and adding men to "what genders do you want to see" on tinder for a year and swiping enthusiastically while ignoring the women... fucking meant something. or the fact that i pushed away and ran from every girl who ever liked me and justified it with empty nothings. i guess you could say im having a gay crisis, but as a guy now. so... im gay, i think. maybe a little aro too, im not sure. i swear i wouldnt care about labels except im jealous of all my friends with pride merch (lie). wish i wasnt in a dead college town in the summer in the south as a not-so-passing trans guy so i could actually do shit about it tho.
peace!
im also still fighting for my gender affirming surgery letter, since my therapist's boss says she cant do it and you usually need the letter writing to say theyll treat you for 6-12 months after writing it so id need to fully switch therapists... the lgbt director at my uni might have me covered but damn this shits wild
also hard questioning my sexuality again. like i thought i was a lesbian from 2018-2023 so being wlw has been a core part of my identity for years (and bi for 2.5 years prior), although i never kissed a girl or held hands or went on a date with one, and im now realizing like. perhaps getting drunk circa 2022 and adding men to "what genders do you want to see" on tinder for a year and swiping enthusiastically while ignoring the women... fucking meant something. or the fact that i pushed away and ran from every girl who ever liked me and justified it with empty nothings. i guess you could say im having a gay crisis, but as a guy now. so... im gay, i think. maybe a little aro too, im not sure. i swear i wouldnt care about labels except im jealous of all my friends with pride merch (lie). wish i wasnt in a dead college town in the summer in the south as a not-so-passing trans guy so i could actually do shit about it tho.
peace!
(no subject)
Jul. 5th, 2024 01:53 am july 4th! typing this from my phone cause i can't type on PC cause i fukt up my shoulder - MRI in 2 weeks. I think I've become a total introvert lol. I went to a college student potluck Posted at my apartment complex by someone else and didn't really have strong ties to anyone there, but by the end of it I got invited to someone's apartment to play jackbox and got home at 2. made a ton of new acquaintances (i think friendship takes time esp when ur not sober) but i put myself out there and talked about a bunch of stuff that wasn't queer related. I've been having this issue where because I am disabled and can't do sports clubs, all i go to these days are the queer clubs and talk to queer folks and it's becoming an issue where i can't have a convo without talking about queerness, so tonight was really nice to see me not need a crutch and talk about a bunch of stuff (i even got a quiplash). watched fireworks with two friends from my major. got drunk, had good food. it's a break in the chaos that's usually my life :)
(no subject)
Jun. 15th, 2024 10:12 pmwow a lots happened
turns out my parents want me to graduate in spring 25 for no reason (read: the reason is their untreated anxiety and their unparalleled desire to manipulate me into taking a specific gen ed... im probably gonna try to not take it out of spite). they texted me day-of the 11th and were like "we're at ur uni and youre coming to this advisor meeting in 2 hours [so they could bully me into taking that one class with a witness present so i couldnt complain]." like yall live a 10 hour drive away, stayed in a hotel the night before, and i had plans...
the good side is because of this extra semester, i get to stay on insurance until july 31 of next year, which means i can schedule top surgery and this cool ass insurance i get through the school will pay for 90% of it! (these surgeries usually cost 10-20k before insurance and most plans aren't nearly this baller) i scheduled my top surgery consult! its in december!
went to the summer solstice festival today! i kept running into ppl i knew. finally tried food from the local taco place ive been meaning to.
turns out my parents want me to graduate in spring 25 for no reason (read: the reason is their untreated anxiety and their unparalleled desire to manipulate me into taking a specific gen ed... im probably gonna try to not take it out of spite). they texted me day-of the 11th and were like "we're at ur uni and youre coming to this advisor meeting in 2 hours [so they could bully me into taking that one class with a witness present so i couldnt complain]." like yall live a 10 hour drive away, stayed in a hotel the night before, and i had plans...
the good side is because of this extra semester, i get to stay on insurance until july 31 of next year, which means i can schedule top surgery and this cool ass insurance i get through the school will pay for 90% of it! (these surgeries usually cost 10-20k before insurance and most plans aren't nearly this baller) i scheduled my top surgery consult! its in december!
went to the summer solstice festival today! i kept running into ppl i knew. finally tried food from the local taco place ive been meaning to.
testosterone
May. 27th, 2024 02:52 pmso i took my 3rd testosterone (t) shot today.
so far all changes ive seen is slightly increased fine hair on my body that looks no different from girl body hair, exactly 1 coarse hair on my right arm, and my left foot has hair. i started t with a DHT blocker (finasteride) so i wouldnt go bald and wouldnt become hairy right away, but it seems like my left foot specifically wont get with the program. its only been 3 weeks so most of my changes are emotional and im getting puberty mood swings. like i was in my room the other day and i was literally like "raaaa im going to throw EVERYTHING across the room because i cant escape this really strong emotion that came out of nowhere adsjhkfaskdljfhasdkf" but im in my 20s and i know how to cope with feelings so i just went for a jog for half a mile (notably i have double knee tendinitis so my physical therapist said im not allowed to run and can only swim and ride a bike bc theyre low impact. so not a great decision but like better than lashing out.) also i have tons of cramps and its not even my period.
im growing muscles super fast too and i was going to the gym 4-5 times a week cause on T, my dream body is actually POSSIBLE (first time my body has been able to lift even weights as light as 3lbs without joints going out of alignment in... 4-6 years?). but then i swear fucking deadass 1.5 weeks into working out, the sauna above the gym caught on fire and the sprinklers flooded the gym so i cant use it. this was on like monday. and its the gym that comes with my apartment so im paying out of the ass for a gym i cant use!!!
in more fun news, a lot of ppl from the trans club are staying from the summer (trans people... staying in a small, distant college town away from their parents so they can express themselves without fear of backlash... who woulda thought?) so we've made a group chat and now like we're doing weekly cookouts at my place! since my apartment is a student living complex its fucking decked out. like we have grills with free fuel, hot tubs (that dont have heat because this place has shitty management), 2 pools, a pool table where ppl ripped the pool cues apart, and propane firepits with free fuel. so we're doing a weekly cookout/pool party with hot tubs/board game night/smores night! theres one person in this group who like exclusively makes friends by being trans peoples' pseudo-mothers and only knows how to comfort others and not to hold their own in a conversation, so most of their friends are people who use the ppl around them as therapists inappropriately. and she'll be their mothers in a way thats a little inappropriate (if someone asks u to make decisions for them exactly like their abusive mother does... like dont fucking do it. stop filling the roles of ppls abusive mothers cause it makes them feel safe thats not healthy either way.) and she keeps inviting more. like please i want a fun chill pool party not a therapy session for strangers. we were friends in september but then i realized they dont know how to talk to ppl without being a therapist or therapizing and its not my job to teach her how to socialize cause theyre like 28? and im on weird terms with another person who hasnt shown yet but might. augh its WEIRD. but its summer.
im trying to binge love, victor (TV spinoff of love, simon) and its total shit lmao. these writers truly suck ass and also are making a show about 16 year olds but theyre such shitty writers its like theyre writing for a target audience of 35 year olds lmaooo these writers dont wanna be here! also theyre really shitty about writing in bi characters like. so every male character who is queer is gay (not bi, pan, etc) and they say the word gay. but when 2 girl crucial characters start dating, they arent allowed to say bi or lesbian or gay at all? like im sorry this main character thought she was straight for 2 seasons and then she randomly gets with a girl after one look at her bra and the show NEVER disscusses it with queer terms? everyone goes out of their way to say its weird but Lake (the character) isnt allowed to say bi in any sense of the word? and the lesbian kissing is really cishet male-viewey. its really obvious the writers wanted to write the next like Legacies or Euphoria minus the drugs but got stuck on this.
so far all changes ive seen is slightly increased fine hair on my body that looks no different from girl body hair, exactly 1 coarse hair on my right arm, and my left foot has hair. i started t with a DHT blocker (finasteride) so i wouldnt go bald and wouldnt become hairy right away, but it seems like my left foot specifically wont get with the program. its only been 3 weeks so most of my changes are emotional and im getting puberty mood swings. like i was in my room the other day and i was literally like "raaaa im going to throw EVERYTHING across the room because i cant escape this really strong emotion that came out of nowhere adsjhkfaskdljfhasdkf" but im in my 20s and i know how to cope with feelings so i just went for a jog for half a mile (notably i have double knee tendinitis so my physical therapist said im not allowed to run and can only swim and ride a bike bc theyre low impact. so not a great decision but like better than lashing out.) also i have tons of cramps and its not even my period.
im growing muscles super fast too and i was going to the gym 4-5 times a week cause on T, my dream body is actually POSSIBLE (first time my body has been able to lift even weights as light as 3lbs without joints going out of alignment in... 4-6 years?). but then i swear fucking deadass 1.5 weeks into working out, the sauna above the gym caught on fire and the sprinklers flooded the gym so i cant use it. this was on like monday. and its the gym that comes with my apartment so im paying out of the ass for a gym i cant use!!!
in more fun news, a lot of ppl from the trans club are staying from the summer (trans people... staying in a small, distant college town away from their parents so they can express themselves without fear of backlash... who woulda thought?) so we've made a group chat and now like we're doing weekly cookouts at my place! since my apartment is a student living complex its fucking decked out. like we have grills with free fuel, hot tubs (that dont have heat because this place has shitty management), 2 pools, a pool table where ppl ripped the pool cues apart, and propane firepits with free fuel. so we're doing a weekly cookout/pool party with hot tubs/board game night/smores night! theres one person in this group who like exclusively makes friends by being trans peoples' pseudo-mothers and only knows how to comfort others and not to hold their own in a conversation, so most of their friends are people who use the ppl around them as therapists inappropriately. and she'll be their mothers in a way thats a little inappropriate (if someone asks u to make decisions for them exactly like their abusive mother does... like dont fucking do it. stop filling the roles of ppls abusive mothers cause it makes them feel safe thats not healthy either way.) and she keeps inviting more. like please i want a fun chill pool party not a therapy session for strangers. we were friends in september but then i realized they dont know how to talk to ppl without being a therapist or therapizing and its not my job to teach her how to socialize cause theyre like 28? and im on weird terms with another person who hasnt shown yet but might. augh its WEIRD. but its summer.
im trying to binge love, victor (TV spinoff of love, simon) and its total shit lmao. these writers truly suck ass and also are making a show about 16 year olds but theyre such shitty writers its like theyre writing for a target audience of 35 year olds lmaooo these writers dont wanna be here! also theyre really shitty about writing in bi characters like. so every male character who is queer is gay (not bi, pan, etc) and they say the word gay. but when 2 girl crucial characters start dating, they arent allowed to say bi or lesbian or gay at all? like im sorry this main character thought she was straight for 2 seasons and then she randomly gets with a girl after one look at her bra and the show NEVER disscusses it with queer terms? everyone goes out of their way to say its weird but Lake (the character) isnt allowed to say bi in any sense of the word? and the lesbian kissing is really cishet male-viewey. its really obvious the writers wanted to write the next like Legacies or Euphoria minus the drugs but got stuck on this.
TESTOSTERONE
May. 10th, 2024 02:58 pmI GOT PRESCRIBED T!!! (testosterone trans style). (i meant to post this on the 6th when it happened but it sat in drafts whoops) im super stoked and i know i should just wait to post about it once the pharmacy actually gets it in stock.
it was really stressful. the first time i tried on a binder, it hit my fight or flight response and i grabbed it from the trans closet and went home to try it on where i had a breakdown because it didnt make me feel good (because i was in the middle of a panic attack... binder aint a cure for that lol). but that same fight or flight happened today again in planned parenthood.
im so super thankful for one of the trans club members who's also on T who offered to drive me even though we'd never met and theyre super busy with finals (graduating grad student). like genuinely wouldve had a breakdwon without them. i noticed another transmasc in the lobby looking super stressed and they were alone and i felt really bad. i wanted to reach out but that wouldve been presumptuous.
i didnt need to do bloodwork cause the person i saw said thats too often a barrier to entry so she doesnt do anything except prick my finger.
now it's the 10th and i still havent gotten one of my needle sizes so im either gonna borrow (unused ones) from my friend who is also on T or just draw with my 25G (apparently this is slow/weird? idk some ppl say not to but some ppl say its fine. i guess ill see how it draws. but ive got a funeral tomorrow and im leaving day after so ill take a few days to weigh my options)
im so sick of being at my parents house.
it was really stressful. the first time i tried on a binder, it hit my fight or flight response and i grabbed it from the trans closet and went home to try it on where i had a breakdown because it didnt make me feel good (because i was in the middle of a panic attack... binder aint a cure for that lol). but that same fight or flight happened today again in planned parenthood.
im so super thankful for one of the trans club members who's also on T who offered to drive me even though we'd never met and theyre super busy with finals (graduating grad student). like genuinely wouldve had a breakdwon without them. i noticed another transmasc in the lobby looking super stressed and they were alone and i felt really bad. i wanted to reach out but that wouldve been presumptuous.
i didnt need to do bloodwork cause the person i saw said thats too often a barrier to entry so she doesnt do anything except prick my finger.
now it's the 10th and i still havent gotten one of my needle sizes so im either gonna borrow (unused ones) from my friend who is also on T or just draw with my 25G (apparently this is slow/weird? idk some ppl say not to but some ppl say its fine. i guess ill see how it draws. but ive got a funeral tomorrow and im leaving day after so ill take a few days to weigh my options)
im so sick of being at my parents house.
(no subject)
May. 4th, 2024 09:45 pmmore queer club drama. so the current p of the pride club didnt want to be p, he ran for vp but no one ran p. keep in mind, this is the guy who destroyed the trans club last year (literally started ripping down promotional fliers, as an officer, so no one new would join the club against the other officers wishes, started drama that fractured the club in half, etc), is antagonistic with the current student-run queer planning board (they do budgeting for all queer clubs and fight for our rights on campus with the higher ups etc... but dont have actual meetings. but they need a good relationship or shit falls apart,) has meltdowns and goes radio silent with the queer director and AD, loathes the other queer clubs, and is actively homophobic/transphobic... as an (aroace) trans person in charge of the pride club at a major university. like he'll be at the meetings and then say actively homophobic shit to random members. he and his friend group destroyed the pride club all this school year so we went from ~60 active members that show up to meetings to 3. its a fucking nightmare.
so even though im so insanely busy, i offered (to the treasurer, because this guy has his dms closed... fantastic communication for a community leader) take over as president. im literally furious that i have to offer this, but i fucking guess we wont have a queer space otherwise (without having a prerequisite identity that lets you join a different functional queer club, like being POC or trans). the treasuerer reacted with a thumbs up but didnt say anything else. like theyve been desperate for MONTHS to get presidency transfered to someone else and then i get left on react. im guessing theres drama behind the scenes and this guy is a fucking mess like hes tried so hard to get rid of the job but if he senses a threat (someone taking him up on his offer) hes probably gonna go fucking feral and meltdown. this guys a fucking mess and im sick of him destroying queer spaces out of spite because people dont worship him. idk. itll kill me but im so sick of the queer scene actively hurting its members. fucks sake.
also i got a mullet its dope
so even though im so insanely busy, i offered (to the treasurer, because this guy has his dms closed... fantastic communication for a community leader) take over as president. im literally furious that i have to offer this, but i fucking guess we wont have a queer space otherwise (without having a prerequisite identity that lets you join a different functional queer club, like being POC or trans). the treasuerer reacted with a thumbs up but didnt say anything else. like theyve been desperate for MONTHS to get presidency transfered to someone else and then i get left on react. im guessing theres drama behind the scenes and this guy is a fucking mess like hes tried so hard to get rid of the job but if he senses a threat (someone taking him up on his offer) hes probably gonna go fucking feral and meltdown. this guys a fucking mess and im sick of him destroying queer spaces out of spite because people dont worship him. idk. itll kill me but im so sick of the queer scene actively hurting its members. fucks sake.
also i got a mullet its dope
so from saturday-tuesday i spent ~24 hours studying for my art history final. thats literally 1/4 of my time studying. plus mon/tues i had 6/5 hours of class respectufully. because my art history professor decided we'd have 2 finals, one on wednesday (last day of class, 2.5 hour long essay-based final, worth 20% of our grade), and one on friday (ACTUAL finals week, 2.5 hour long essay-based final, worth 5% of our grade.) idk why she pulled those specific %s out of her ass and made it so the important final was the one we wouldnt have time to study for but fml anyway. im trying so hard to get my comics class late work in (or ill fail) and study for the second final (so dead inside) but yeah. procrastinating by writing this. but i am so damn tired ive been going nonstop for days (literally eating, sleeping, studying, or on the bus... except for my T cookout which was weird cause i didnt get on T.)
i think im gonna get a mullet at my hair appt today so when i go home for the funeral next week my (well-meaning) aunt cant tell me how much i look like a girl. last time i went home she told me she saw a 60 year old lady and thought to herself "my (female form of nephew) has that exact haircut! :)" which, no, i literally had a dudes undercut and that lady had a pixie. second reason for getting a mullet is to cope with The Stress of Finals. mullets are to transmascs what The Big Chop to a bob is for girls i think. i have plans to buy mens frayed jorts, get a mullet, and start T this summer and frankly if you dont have the context to react to this, this announcement should be treated like im announcing i want to get a lower tribal back tattoo in 2024. like OOF. but at the same time,, very gender.
have a good day!
i think im gonna get a mullet at my hair appt today so when i go home for the funeral next week my (well-meaning) aunt cant tell me how much i look like a girl. last time i went home she told me she saw a 60 year old lady and thought to herself "my (female form of nephew) has that exact haircut! :)" which, no, i literally had a dudes undercut and that lady had a pixie. second reason for getting a mullet is to cope with The Stress of Finals. mullets are to transmascs what The Big Chop to a bob is for girls i think. i have plans to buy mens frayed jorts, get a mullet, and start T this summer and frankly if you dont have the context to react to this, this announcement should be treated like im announcing i want to get a lower tribal back tattoo in 2024. like OOF. but at the same time,, very gender.
have a good day!
(no subject)
Apr. 30th, 2024 03:06 pmthey cancelled my testosterone appointment. 3 hours before it was supposed to happen. because they were short-staffed. :(
(no subject)
Apr. 26th, 2024 08:48 pmHad a really great time at the last trans club meeting of the year. When I started college I swore I'd never "come out of my shell" like some people pressured me to do. I still have a shell, but I've learned to talk to people and spent the whole night effortlessly (:DDDD) bouncing between conversation with person to person, dipping in and out of groups with ease, and welcoming new folks to the pockets I was in!!! It's a combination of knowing enough people and attending enough meetings to feel like a core part of the club while also having the confidence to talk to complete strangers! I also held my ground and didn't burn my night playing mommy-therapist to my one friend who imposes on ppl to be therapist for them, I valued myself, and I had a well-deserved fun night! It was an ice cream social and there was a jar of marinchino cherries, we mixed in ice cream and honey ranch fritos and I drank it and it sucked. But I was just. So social. I didn't need to dominate or make everything about me to talk (the only way I knew how to socialize up until 2 years ago) and I actually noticed when other ppl did it so I know I'm way more aware and just feel really good about myself. Like I never could've been this way if I was still trying to be a "girl." It was always inauthentic and I was always subtly lashing out because I hated having to play-act as a "girl" before I even knew I was trans. It's a warm night and it feels good.
And now I disappear for the week to be consumed by finals (jk I have my testosterone appt on tuesday and ill probably blog about that unless I forget or it goes awful)
(no subject)
Apr. 21st, 2024 06:47 pmone of my officers is refusing to fill out the officer election interest form (same person who refuses to fill out our when2meets and keeps volunteering to run meetings without letting me know theyre planning to be 45 minutes late to beforehand), so im stealing their name for the bride character in my creative writing capstone whos about to enter a loveless marriage to please her catholic parents with a closeted nonbinary person whos also using her to make their best friend jealous. suck a dick [name redacted], im about to ruin your likeness' wedding
[i am so done with this person but theyre finna run unopposed AGAIN so heres to another year of putting up with extremely childish behavior from a grad student]
[i am so done with this person but theyre finna run unopposed AGAIN so heres to another year of putting up with extremely childish behavior from a grad student]
