KISS KISS

HOW TO FORCE REVERENCE

Mr. Right tells people,  "The way we keep our kids reverent at church is by sitting on the front pew."

Uh . . . no.

He seems to have deleted from his memory the gory details of the behind the scenes preparations.

Here is my die-hard way to keep your kids reverent during church.

1.  Prepare the night before.  Do this while pretending you have OCD.  It will be more effective.  

Saturday night begin by bathing your children while you pre-iron ALL church clothes (including socks and undies).  This sounds dangerous but it's not.  Really.  You are right outside the bathroom door and can yell at them whenever they start playing Battleship.   This sets the tone for tomorrow.

Later when they are tucked in bed, and you are finally getting to the dinner dishes, take the extra time (because a real woman isn't tired yet) to pre-measure the breakfast oatmeal and water in a microwave safe dish, put bowls by the brown sugar and spoons by each chair.  Each spoon should have a vitamin in it.  

Diaper bags, music bags, scripture bags, quiet bags and barf bags should be stocked and put in the car. 

Wasn't that easy?  Just a teeny blip on the stress radar, nothing more.  Now, I'm sure you had a charming day today so you won't be needing any down time yourself.   Instead you can turn in early can't you?  I'm sure all the children will sleep soundly the night through and allow you to rest.

2.  Sunday morning, get up an hour before the rest of the family so you can scrub yourself, curl your coif, put on your fake face and double check the mirror to make sure your dress ain't tucked in the back of your panty-hose.  You've got LOADS of time before the children wake-up.  Watch the sunrise then cuddle your baby. . . . if you are lucky enough to have one.  They make Sunday mornings lovely.

3.  When your children happily rise from a good nights rest, after all you DID get them to bed on time the night before, they will demonstrate their love for you by putting on the clothes you laid out the night.  The girls will certainly NOT argue that they wanted, instead, to wear the black dress with flowers, and the tailoring you did to let out a length of your growing boys pants will NOT go unnoticed, you WILL be thanked. Of course you will.

4.  While your children quietly eat their oatmeal and you play reverent music on Pandora, you can feed your baby.  You will not have dressed her yet because even an idiot knows you don't dress a baby in their church dress BEFORE feeding them peach baby food.  Yes, even an idiot knows that.

5.  Because your baby loves to play on the floor while you get things done (instead of Saran Wrap herself to your leg) you can take this time to french braid your oldest daughters hair into a top bun (it CAN be done ladies), and your other daughter will NOT complain that you parted her hair a centimeter too far to the left, or that her headband does not match the lace on her church socks, which look spiffy, because you ironed them.

6.  Leave for church a full 15 minutes early and when you arrive make sure each child uses the restroom and gets their drink of water.  Nobody will be allowed to leave the chapel once the meeting starts unless it is for time-outs.  (Remember to enforce this later in the meeting).

7.  Remind them, also, that NO toys are allowed before the sacrament.  The rubber-band they snuck in on their wrist - it does not exist.  The toy car found in someone's pocket - it did not make it past inspection.  They have nothing but ten fingers and a hymn book to entertain them until after the sacrament.  If they complain, a nice compromise is to offer to take a finger or two off their hands for a while.  They will be grateful for the ten, I promise.

8.  After the sacrament is passed they may choose 1 of three things to quietly use during the talks.  A church color book and crayons, a blank pad of paper and pen, or a set of Hero Scripture picture cards.   You DID stock your bag last night right?  P.S.  You're baby will have used all her energy during the week and will happily cuddle on your lap with no desire to squawk or get down and walk around.

9.   It is imperative that you take them out when they make a peep.    Even a little peep can cause trouble later I say.  Children should not peep during the meeting.  Peeping now is a sign of the crazies.  Also, their bottoms should remain on the pew at all times.  Little people should not pop or peep during the meeting.  I repeat:  Do NOT allow popping or peeping during the meeting.

10.  Last, but not least, if you have done all of the above THEN you can follow Mr. Right's advice and sit on the front row and you will have reverence.  I'm certain of it.

BELLY HOLDER

She found The Pixie's belt.

She was proud of it.

And mad if I took it off.

I had to sneak it off at nap time.  

You know, the sneaky parent move?

I was all, "Here is your bottle and oh I'm SO sorry I just flipped you around and then back a few times and don't mind that sliding feeling around your belly, and just ignore the fact that my hand went really quick behind me as IF I was hiding something.  I wasn't.  Hey, look here,  look at my eyes.  Nothing amiss at all.  Here is your bottle.  Here.  OK. . . we're good."

Her belly sells it I think.

PRINCESSISM

In Harry Potter 7 part 2, Ron defends Hermione from a bad guy and says, "That's my girlfriend."

The Princess smirked, "Yeah you don't mess with Ron and his girlfriend, he'll call you a numphead and brandish his wand at you like an oaf....Very scary."

PREOCCUPIED

I do this every year around this time. . . of. . .year. (Lame-brain.)

I forget about taking pictures and writing antidotes.

 

Ha ha, well, anyway, let's just say, "Nothing to report here".

But then I remembered a few pictures I'd taken of The Pearl with her brand new cousin.

 

She LOVES babies.  She hugs them and kisses them.  

She's shy around adults.

She enjoys being around kids.

And she LOVES da babies.

CHAPTER 648

Chapter 648

The Pixie Identifies The Problem

     After The Pixie was allowed back in the house, and The Pirate's wound was kissed by his mother, the children were gathered around.

      This sounds a pretty picture but in honesty The Pixie's face was red from screaming and she was pouting at the bottom of the stairs, where she'd been told to stay.  The Pirates cheeks were tear streaked and he was holding his hurt finger.  The Princess's hair was flying around her, full of static from hurriedly getting her pajamas on so she could rush to the hall and listen in with unabashed curiosity,  The Pearl was toddling around grabbing peoples legs and growling.  Mr. Right watched from the sidelines, ready to jump in if Mother started to loose it.  There was a nervous tension in the air.

       Mother knelt by The Pirate, "What are we going to do about this?"

      "Our family has problems."  The Pirate agreed.

      "What do you mean?" Mother asked.

    "Well, I have problems with The Pixie and she has problems with me.  And The Princess has problems with The Pixie and she has problems with her.  And The Princess and me don't really have problems with each other but if The Pixie is around we do."

      Mother laughed, "You are right!  Hmmmm...what is the common problem in the fighting?"

      The Pixie quickly shouted, "It's that everybody keeps being RUDE to me!  That's the problem!"