2014: On Creativity, Perfectionism, and Ch-ch-ch-changes

Happy New Year!  2014 is coming to an end, and that resolution to "blog more regularly" has gone, as they say, down the boat water.  I've spent my time on other things this year, which is okay.  But this little blog is always there-- tapping me on the shoulder, wondering if I'll ever turn around and pay attention to it again.

I originally started this blog as an assignment for one of my classes in college.  I had to keep a kind of journal that I'd never kept before, so I chose an online journal.  I think it's stayed that way over the years, a place where I come to write out my feelings, or express excitement about things, or recount stuff that has happened.  I think that's always what this little online space will be-- just a snapshot of my life and struggles and the people I love most.  I've toyed with the idea of starting a blog that I try to monetize and promote (an idea that I still turn over and over in my head on a daily basis), but for now allow me another rambling journal entry.

This has been a weird year for me.  Early this year I was stuck in a job I didn't really love anymore.  I totally lied and told everyone that I loved it, that it was so satisfying, that I enjoyed the perks of teaching, and that I really felt like this was my calling in life.  The students and their success was the only thing keeping me going, so I guess it wasn't all lies. But the bottom line is that I was questioning my dedication to my profession, I was losing my passion, and perhaps most importantly, I was being drained by a couple of toxic-to-me personalities.  Teaching was always something that was extremely fulfilling, but it wasn't anymore.  I was worn down, I felt exhausted, and I was almost to the point where I didn't care if I came back after the summer.

This dissatisfaction with my work bled over into other parts of my life-- I was called as the Primary president, but had no energy to really be invested in the demands of that calling.  I was having my own strange medical issues, and as a result couldn't get pregnant. All the while, I was at this weird juxtaposition of emotions: I felt like making my house pretty and perfect would make me happy, but I couldn't commit to hanging any art.  I knew I needed to establish a social circle of support, but I stopped book club and replaced it with Netflix.  I remembered when teaching was a challenging creative outlet, but I dreaded getting up for work in the morning.

On top of that, my sweet mother-in-law was suffering with esophageal cancer.  I wanted to be a strong wife for Samuel.  I wanted to be faithful enough to get Charlotta through the physical and emotional pain and heartache she was going through.  I wanted to comfort everyone around me.  When she passed away in late February, all of those desires became even more real and on the surface.

You guys, I'm a perfectionist!  I had never admitted it to myself before, but once I recognized it in myself it was hard to deny.  Sometimes being a perfectionist is okay, I think.  But at this point in time, being a perfectionist was suffocating me because my life was not the perfect picture I wanted.  I knew I had to make some changes.  I liked parts of my life--I liked my husband and family, I liked my students, I liked my house.  But I wanted to feel "full" again, and in my heart I knew that letting go of ideals, getting creative, serving others, and owning my own happiness was the only way to get me out of the rut I was in.  So, I talked to several people I love and admire: my parents, my husband, my principal, my best friends.  I tried to pray with more intent.  And I read lots of Brene Brown.

I was terrified to do something different or new.  I mean, what would happen?  I couldn't control it, and I desperately wanted to be able to control something in my life!  Luckily, I was at my tipping point and was able to open some new doors.  I applied to intern with a blogger as a creative outlet.  My principal helped me find a fresh start teaching second grade.  Samuel listened to me feel all the feelings.  I got together with friends, and met some new people.  I planned a trip with my mom to visit Bailey in Washington DC.  I went to Hebgen (a very healing place for me).  I planted a garden.  I hung some art.  I planned a party for the primary kids.

Looking back at 2014, I feel like I've become much more self-aware and reflective, and willing to take personal risks.  I'm getting more honest with myself.  All those goals I set for myself at the beginning of the year?  Most of them didn't get checked off the list.  Still, I feel like I have come so far and am in a better place.  Change, I have learned, is hard and scary work.  Sometimes it doesn't feel fun, and it almost never looks perfect.  But what is perfect to me is that when we are doing our best and being true, God helps you along.

If you're still reading, thanks for letting me spill my guts.  Here's to a fantastic 2015!  Cheers.

well, it's about time.

Hi!  This poor blog has been abandoned for so long.  I don't know if anyone is still reading... but if you are, thank you for not giving up on me!  

It's the last week of school!  I have had one of those "chew-you-up-and-spit-you-out" kind of years, but not because of my students.  This has been a unique combination of kids, and I love them.  

Running away from Jaws on a recent field trip to the Museum of Ancient Life

This week in third grade we are: going on a field trip to the planetarium, having a banana split party (for those who have passed their multiplication facts), having a chalk art festival, making summer bucket lists, and putting together books of original poetry.  Plus, remember field day?!  It's still alive and well in elementary school.  Still trying to decide if I want to participate in the teacher dunk tank...

Exhausted gardeners.

Samuel and I have been working so hard on our yard/garden.  We inherited a lot of dandelions and crab grass, among general weeds and bugs-- which Samuel has been so faithfully and fiercely battling.  We also re-purposed Charlotta's/Emily's garden boxes, and hung lights on our patio.  We planted tomatoes!  and peppers! and broccoli! and beans! and zucchini!  and strawberries! and raspberries!  and basil! and rosemary!  I hope things grow.  Our backyard is one of my favorite places to be now.

They look a lot better with plants in them!

Here are some things I'm looking forward to this summer: 

1. HEBGEN. Obviously.
2. Working on some creative projects, parties, and events for The House That Lars Built.
3. Planning some fun times for the Grover family reunion. 
4. Visiting Bailey in DC with my mom!?
5. Teaching the first/second grade book group at The King's English bookshop.
6. Hiking + biking with Samuel. 
7. Moving classrooms and developing curriculum for SECOND GRADE.
8. Partying with my sisters + nieces. 
9. Cleaning out my basement and having a garage sale.
10. Reading some good books.

Anyway, thanks for hanging in there with me.  

what can I say?

I've been reluctant to post; even though I intended to do better this year with blogging.  2014 has rushed in with a whirlwind of emotional events and changes.  And while I'm sure I will want to remember them, I haven't had the words.  

After a hard-fought, yet somewhat brief battle with esophageal cancer, my beautiful mother-in-law passed away at the end of February.  She was an amazing person, and we miss her everyday.

There is so much I could say about Charlotta.  She was a remarkable woman, mother, grandmother, and friend.  I still don't feel like I have the words to speak to her memory.  Even so, here is a little exerpt from my journal:

My beautiful, sweet mother-in-law passed away yesterday.  It has been pretty hard!  I worry a lot about Samuel and his siblings adjusting to life without their mom.  It has been amazing, however, to see how the Grover family rallies to buoy each other during times of hardship.  It is one of the things I love most about being a part of the Grovers—I know they would mobilize in the same way for any of their siblings or in-laws. 

But it has been pretty special and tender with their mom.  She was quite a remarkable woman—a true angel among us—as I’m sure she will continue to be.  Charlotta was always a calm, loving, charitable person to the very end.  She had a fierce testimony that she shared through her example wherever she went.  She was a wonderful grandma.  Her grandkids adored her and she made each one of them feel special whenever they were with her.  I think my heart breaks the most for my unborn children—that they won’t get to have that experience with her here on earth.  Father in Heaven is speaking peace to my heart, though.  And I know they will know her on the other side of the veil. 

Charlotta was very studious and intelligent.  She was patient enough to research and study things out for long periods of time.  The thing about it, though, is that she was never pretentious about what a scholar she was.  She humbly went about doing good and sharing her wisdom in bits and pieces with the people she loves. 

I think about the story in the New Testament of the Savior washing his disciples feet, and I can’t help but draw a parallel toCharlotta.  She “washed feet” of her primary children, her family, her husband, her friends.  She washed feet in her job as a librarian.  She washed feet of neighbors and other women in the ward.  She has figuratively washed my feet through her example of what a loving mother should be.  She was ever-patient with my dear husband, from the time he was a child into adulthood, washing his feet and serving us in her quiet way.  

In a nutshell, it's already been a year of changes: changes at work (I'm moving to second grade next year! and there is a chance Samuel will be relocated to Boston for a few months...), changes at church (I'm the primary president, and Samuel is in the YM presidency), and we've continued to make changes to our home.  All good things, with posts of their own to come.

2014

It's a new year!  Time to make some new goals and commitments to myself. Here are 14 things I'd like to make happen in 2014:

1. Write a song, and perform it for someone.  I love music.  I'm happier when music is a part of my life, though I have always relied radio/iTunes/spotify to fill me up with new songs. Writing music has always seemed either too hard or too cheesy.  No more excuses!  I'm going to do it.  This year.
2. Recommit to making at least 3 healthy meals a week.  I did okay for about a month last year.  I'm trying again this year... plus now I have a big, beautiful kitchen!
3. Stay on-top of grading papers. Easily the worst part of being a teacher is grading papers.  I always procrastinate, but then kick myself later when I have a stack the size of Texas.  If I grade when they turn them in, I'll be happier in the long run.
4. Pursue an artistic hobby.  I've been dabbling in photoshop a bit, but I'd also like to learn how to use all of the CS5 programs.  I'd like to get more into print making, or sewing, or even blogging??  How do people make money at this?
5. Get into a sport, and do it several times a week. I think biking might be for me.  Or tennis?  Also, paddle boarding-- I at least want to try it this year!
6. Remember birthdays.  I love birthdays, but I always get distracted and miss them.  I'd like to send family and friends cards or pay them a visit on their birthday.
7. Go on a big vacation. Okay, this isn't really a goal, but I would like to go somewhere "big" this year.  Perhaps the East coast?  I had better start saving my pennies!
8. Organize the basement and garage. I just need to START.  Samuel and I had a talk a few nights ago about just getting rid of stuff, even if we still like it.  It's not worth it if we are not using it, or emotionally opposed to giving it away.  I'm giving myself permission to give things I like away.  They can be just as cool and likable in someone else's house.  
9. Do my visiting teaching.  The only time I've ever been good at this is when I had an awesome on-top-of-it companion.  I like visiting teaching... I resolve to be better at making it happen.  
10. Read at least 10 books, outside of school.  With book club last year, I did pretty well.  I still haven't decided if the "club" is going to continue this year, but I hope the reading will.  
11. Read scriptures every day.  I used to be awesome at this and have really slacked off for the past few years.  I need to get in the habit again.  
12. Have a NO SPEND month.  Has anyone ever done this before?  I want to try to go for a month without spending any money, except for our necessities (mortgage, utilities, gas, food).  I'm still working out the logistics in my brain, but I think this would be good for me.
13. Put the "screens" away for a few hours every day.  I love my computer, and use it for work, pinteresting, creating, etc.  Samuel got me an iPhone for an early birthday present, and I love it.  But I love him even more.  I want to put our phones away for a while each night so we can just talk, have a meal together, go for a walk, or have friends over without distractions.  
14. Get financially organized.  Samuel and I have tried several approaches to budgeting, but haven't found anything that "works" for us yet.  This is the year for us to track our spending, savings, and expenses, and to finally stick to a budget plan that works for our family.  

So, there you have it folks.  What are your goals for the year?  Any tips and tricks for accomplishing them?