I have been thinking a lot lately about the will of God and
how we align ours with His. How do we forsake
our will and have full faith in His plan for us?
I remember when I was sick, I was in the
hospital and I had just been told
that it was cancer and that I would need
intense chemo and that I would lose my hair.
I was trying to process everything but was very
overwhelmed. It hadn't yet settled in that my life was
about to take a very different path. I remember wondering
if I was going to die and if my Mom would be ok
and if I was really ready to die. I was
very overwhelmed. That same night, after all my nurses
and family and friends left, I laid in bed by myself and
began to really cry for the first time that day.
I was too weak to get off my bed and I was hooked up to to
many machines...so I began to pray. I prayed
like I had never prayed before. I just
asked why this was happening. I am so young
and I have so many plans. How can this be happening?
I would be lying if I didn't say I was a little upset/ frustrated.
Within in moments this very overwhelming and thick
blanket of comfort washed over my body. I was
filled with peace like I had never experienced. And my own
voice came to me very clearly,
"Bekah.....everything is going to be fine. But
I just need you to do this. Trust in me."
From that moment on, I never gave up. I fought
like I had never fought before. I still had my moments
of anguish and pain emotionally and physically, but I knew
God's plan for me. I knew that this was my refiner's fire and
that I was starting to become the person He needed me to be.
The "why" didn't matter anymore. It became more "how can I
turn to my Savior and trust in Him?
How can I become better through
this? How can I become whole through the
Atonement of Jesus Christ?"
As I look back on that....I am who I am today because of the cancer.
But not just the cancer...I gave up my will. I turned it over to
the Lord and just focused on getting healthy and doing whatever
He wanted me to do. My relationship with God was
all the mattered!
I am again at that point. I have been trying to control/ force
certain things in my life and it is not working. In fact...it is kind of
back firing and it is very painful. I have
been stubborn, selfish, prideful, and have
made many mistakes.
But...what I want doesn't really matter anymore. I just want to
do what Heavenly Father wants me to do. I just want to
do His will, be obedient and have faith in Him and
in His plan for me. Just like the current bush,
we have to be cut down, hurt a little to
get to where He wants us to be.
Pain is necessary for growth.
My patriarchal blessing states many times
that I am to influence those around me.
I will be placed in different parts of the world and it will be
my responsibility and purpose to lift those around me
both spiritually and physically.
Because of this....I am to be very selective about the
companion I choose to marry.
I had a blessing a few weeks ago that I am not living up to
the promises in my Patriarchal blessing and that
I have not been listening close enough to promptings I have been
given. It was a very humbling
experience since it was given by a man who doesn't know my blessing.
I felt very chastised and I knew that I needed
to repent and get focused.
God lives. He loves us. He knows
what is going on. We can't give up.
We can't quit. We just need to keep trying.
There is so much good and happiness ahead.
I pray that we may all seek God's will for us.
Honestly...it is the only way to go.
