Lesson Thirteen: Extended Family Relationships

One of the great blessings I received from marrying my husband was the gift of another family to love and be loved and learn from. My in-laws (mother, father, and brother and sisters in laws) are some of the easiest people to like so I realize that makes my situation and ability to love a lot easier than others but I believe if we will strengthen our testimonies of the importance of families (including our extended families), we will each try a little harder to establish healthy family relationships, and each person will be blessed as a result. In the article, Creating Healthy Ties with In-laws and Extended Family by J.M. Harper and S.F. Olsen, we learn that, “Parents-in-law will do well to accept differences; encourage marital identity by helping develop and maintain the marital boundary of the children; avoid intrusion; offer advice only when it is sought; be accepting rather than critical; and work toward developing a personal, positive relationship with a son- or daughter-in-law by creating opportunities to spend time one-on-one.”

As I’ve talked with others about the problems or conflicts that make their relationships strained with their in-laws, I've reflected with so much gratitude for the many things both my parents and in-laws have done that have encouraged my husband and I to cleave unto each other and create a solid partnership. A few example of this are that there wasn’t pressure from either side of the family to attend the family functions. Of course, we knew that both sides of the family would love if we were to join them but understood and supported us in the decisions we made. Another example is the advice given from my mom that she didn’t want us to bring our marital problems back home. We could talk about frustrations but she understood the importance of working out problems with our spouses. And last, my mother-in law is always interested in and shows concern for our family but never tries to tell us what to do and how things should be done. This has helped me to feel the trust she has in both Jeff and me, and I have always felt love and support from her.

Our oldest child is thirteen years old, which seems like years before my husband and I need to be concerned about any of our children marrying and having in-laws in our family. But as I’ve read and studied the importance of establishing healthy relationships with extended family, I’ve been inspired to use what I’ve learned as well as the examples I’ve been given from my parents and in-laws to prepare. I recognize the importance and blessing extending families can be, and desire to love and be an example to my future in-laws as mine have been to me.

Lesson Twelve: Councils

Doctrine and Covenants 88:119,122 reads, “Organize yourselves, prepare every needful thing, and establish a house even a house of prayer, a house of fasting, a house of faith, a house of learning, a house of glory, a house of order, a house of God; Appoint among yourselves a teacher and let not all be spokesman at once; but let one speak at a time and let all listen unto his sayings, that when all have spoken that all may be edified of all, and that every man may have an equal privilege.” We learn in verse 119 the importance of putting your house in order and the solution of how to do so in verse 122. One answer to the question of how to create within our own homes a house of order, even a house of God, includes counseling together as a couple and as a family.

My husband and I have three children and our oldest, Ethan just turned thirteen. It’s been a tricky transition for my husband and I as we’ve had to learn new “norms” in our family. His social life has become busier since becoming a junior high student and because he has more homework as well, he is often staying up later at night to get it done. We are also learning how to navigate proper limits for his cell phone (the phone doesn’t have service but if it’s connected to wifi, he is able to send texts and communicate through facetime). I’m especially grateful at times like this for councils, counseling as husband and wife and as a family with our children. As my husband Jeff and I discuss together each other’s concerns, we have the opportunity to get on the same page. We are then unified when we address it with Ethan.  

In verse 122 we are taught to let one person speak at a time and for everyone to listen, that all may be edified and have equal privilege. This is excellent advice, and feel so grateful for especially as I am raising my children. I have seen such a difference during those times I have practiced this and have asked for my children’s thoughts and opinions on the problem versus the times when I come with a decision already made. I’m always humbled and grateful when I take the time to listen. As we involve our children in our discussions and ask their thoughts and opinions as well as their ideas for solutions to the problem, we actually all come out happier and feel like our needs were met. This is when a true council takes place.

President Stephen L. Richards said this in 1953, “I don’t know that it is possible for any organization to succeed in the Church. . . without adopting the genius of our Church government. What is that? As I conceive it, the genius of our Church government is government through councils. . . Hardly a day passes but that I see the wisdom, God’s wisdom, in creating councils. . . . to govern His kingdom.” I’d like to add that I believe the family is the greatest organization of the church, therefore we see the necessity of establishing councils within our families. I have witnessed the blessing of it as we’ve tried to make it a regular part of our family.

Lesson Eleven: Protecting Marriages

Elder Burton in a conference talk given in 2005 said this about eternal marriage, “If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never abuse it. You don’t expose it to the elements. You don’t make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by."

We protect our marriages by putting up safeguards that help keep our marriages sacred and special, and to make sure nothing else enters into that space. As I’ve thought about what I can do to protect my marriage, I feel the importance of recognizing that infidelity doesn’t usually occur because someone is seeking out another person, but happens when you are not being watchful and do not have good boundaries set. Many often have the mentality that “it would never happen to me” and therefore do not feel the need to protect their marriage.

I think as we humbly recognize that if we are not doing all we can to protect our marriages, we could find ourselves in negative situations that we never dreamed of being in. So it’s important to realize the necessity of putting up safeguards and protections. For example, I like to exercise at the local gym, it’s so much more motivating and fun for me to work out in a group. And I definitely push myself harder when I do. I’m also aware of the danger that gyms can have on marriages. So one way I safeguard my marriage is that I usually attend the classes in the exercise room where 99% of those participating are women. It’s a fun way to exercise and I also get to meet other moms who I can connect with.

Kenneth Mattheson in his talk from the 2009 Ensign titled, Fidelity in Marriage said this, “We should be careful not to allow inappropriate relationships even to begin to develop. As Paul warned, “abstain for all appears of evil" (1 Thessalonians 5:22). Fidelity includes refraining from physical contact – but that is not all. Fidelity also means complete commitment, trust and respect between husband and wife. Inappropriate interactions with another person can erode fidelity.” If we protect and keep our marriages special and sacred by putting safe guards in place, we will enjoy the wonderful blessings that come from an eternal marriage.

Lesson Ten : Strengthen Marriage

I feel the central message of Goddard’s book, “Drawing Heaven into your Marriage”is the way to strengthen our marriages is to try to become the best person we can be. We do this by putting off the natural man, which help us to develop charity and humility. I feel the necessity to strengthen my marriage by focusing on the areas that I need to work on and by loving my spouse through his weaknesses. Goddard said this, “the natural man wants to love himself and fix others, God has asked us to fix ourselves through repentance and love others.”

            One way we put off the natural man is by letting go of our critical thoughts and opinions of our spouse. Gottman, in the book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” discusses two different reasons criticism exists in marriages. The first he states is because of an emotionally unresponsive spouse and the second reason criticism exists is from within, and is connected with self-doubt that has developed over the course of one’s life. I’d like to focus on the latter of the two reasons. Gottman suggests two things to do to overcome criticism within. He first suggests accepting yourself with all your flaws and to also practice showing thanksgiving and gratitude for your spouse. Gottman suggests that by practicing and incorporating this spirit of gratitude in marriage, we will be less critical of ourselves and grace and forgiveness will enter our world.

I have a great husband and I feel very blessed to be married to him. I also know that he has weaknesses as each of us do. Something that has blessed our marriage are when we try to focus on each other’s positive characteristics and to work on fixing ourselves instead of trying to change the other person. This has not always been the case, but as we try to keep our focus on the positive, we receive positive results, and our marriage has been blessed. I have a testimony that as we work on putting off the natural man, and focus on and show gratitude for the wonderful traits of our spouses, our personal lives will be blessed and our marriages will be strengthened.

Lesson Nine: Consecrate Our Marriage

The definition of consecration is make or declare something as sacred. When I asked my husband what it meant, we additionally came up with to give, bless and serve. When we consecrate our marriages, we are declaring our marriages as sacred and we show this by giving of ourselves to bless and serve our spouses. Neal A. Maxwell said this, “Consecration is the only surrender which is also a victory. It brings release from the raucous, over-populated cell block of selfishness and emancipation from the dark prison of pride.”

There are many ways in which we consecrate our marriages. As I’ve been studying forgiveness this week and pondering pride and humility from the week before, I thought how closely related both humility and forgiveness are and how necessary it is to have both in a consecrated marriage. Forgiveness within marriage is essential, and we must have humility to forgive those who have hurt us. Each of us make many mistakes and when we forgive our spouse we are humbly recognizing that we all have weaknesses and have need to forgive and to be forgiven. Pres. Faust in his talk in 2007 titled The Healing Power of Forgiveness, said this, “those who are taught to forgive are less angry, more hopeful, less depressed, less anxious, less stressed, which leads to greater physical well-being."

My husband has been a wonderful example to me of both of these characteristics which has helped set the tone for a consecrated marriage. He is often the first to apologize and also is easily to forgive before I’ve even come around to ask for forgiveness. This has been a huge blessing in our marriage and I try to follow his example. As I’ve practiced this more recently and have quickly apologized to my husband instead of letting my pride get in the way, I have felt small victories over selfishness and pride which Elder Maxwell describes. My husband and I consecrate ourselves and our marriage by attending the temple regularly, and by studying the scriptures and strengthening our testimonies of the Savior. We try to put each other’s needs before our own, and encourage each other to become the best we can be.

Lesson 8: Beware of Pride

President Benson in his talk, Beware of Pride said this, “Pride is a very misunderstood sin, and many are sinning in ignorance.” In reading this week from Gottman’s book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriages Work, I’ve recognized several ways we are prideful and most times not even realizing it, especially within our marriages. One way we may sin ignorantly is what Dr. Gottman comments when spouses do not let their partners influence their decision making by taking their opinions and feelings into account. Another way is by not forgiving our spouses when they have wronged us, or by being easily offended.

My husband’s birthday was this week and I was trying to plan a delicious dinner to make him. I asked him if he was good with enchiladas because I had all the ingredients on hand. The next morning I was feeling a little guilty that this probably wasn’t the meal he’d choose but something that would be easy for me to make, so I asked him again (as he was trying to get ready for work) if he was still good with enchiladas and he responded short with me, and seemed annoyed that I kept asking him. I instantly felt sad and then mad that he was frustrated with me when I was the one trying to do something nice for him (which I realize now the feelings I was having all stemmed from pride). I felt like he owed me an apology for the way he treated me. He left for work and as I sat around bummed out I recognized that it was me who needed to apologize and not the other way around. I sent a text saying sorry for over-reacting, and he immediately sent one back saying sorry that he responded how he did. I am not usually the one to say sorry first, especially when I feel justified in my feelings but if we allow pride into our marriages, these very small grievances will fester until it turns into something that will certainly disrupt marriages. This was a pretty small but very beneficial opportunity for me to cultivate more humility and love in our marriage.

I have been reading in Alma from the Book of Mormon, and specifically in Alma about Pahoran and Moroni. These have been some of my favorite scriptures but they were even more powerful than before because of reading and studying pride this week.  As I was reading again the interchange between the two men, I sympathized with Moroni’s anger and frustration, even if it was unjustified towards Pahoran. But what I really love and feel so inspired by is reading Pahoran’s humble and loving response. He is an exemplary person, and shows us a perfect example of humility.  In Alma 61:9 we read Pahoran’s response to Moroni’s scathing letters, “And now, in your epistle you have censured me, but it mattereth not; I am not angry, but do rejoice in the greatness of your heart. I, Pahoran, do not seek for power, save only to retain my judgment-seat that I may preserve the rights and the liberty of my people. My soul standeth fast in that liberty in the which God hath made us free.”

I am inspired to follow Pahoran’s example of humility and also to work on those things that President Benson suggests to become a more humble person. These include “conquering enmity towards our brothers and sisters, esteeming them as ourselves, and lifting them as high or higher than we are, receiving counsel and chastisement, by forgiving those who have offended us, rendering selfless service, going on missions, getting to the temple more frequently, confessing and forsaking sins, and by loving God, submitting our will to His, and putting Him first in our lives.” I have a testimony that as we do these things we will be happier and our marriages will be strengthened.

Lesson Seven: Bids for Attention

Dr. Gottman, in the book Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work suggests the importance of responding to our partner’s “bids for attention, affection, humor or support”, and that it is through these small and simple things that are done every day that instill fire and passion in your marriage. He adds, “what’s really occurring in these brief exchanges is that the husband and wife are connecting-they are attuning by turning towards each other.” I was surprised when I read that this is what fuels deep romance but after continuing on in the book and thinking about it, I also believe it to be true that it is through small and simple things, recognizing your partners bids for attention and then turning towards your spouse that marriages become what they are fully intended to be.  

It’s been interesting as I've thought about this throughout the week, I noticed that there are many bids for attention given all throughout the day, and sadly, many times, go unnoticed or are rejected because I’m in the middle of something and feel too busy to stop and respond like I wish I would. My husband sat on the couch near the corner seat, and I noticed he arranged a few pillows in the corner like I do before I sit down there, but didn’t think much into it. As we were talking, this lesson got brought up and my husband pointed to the corner of the couch right next to him with the pillows set up and said, “these pillows are my bid for attention to have you sit next to me!” We laughed as we noticed I totally missed that and moved over closer to him. We finished talking about what I have been learning in class and then we discussed what he has been struggling with at work. What was just a simple, little action, a bid for attention, turned into a conversation that helped us re-connect on what was going on in our individual lives.

There are many challenges that come in the way of turning towards one another. One challenge is definitely what I mentioned above. We all have to do lists, and if I’m in the middle of trying to get something done, which can feel like most the time, I don’t even notice the many of the bids for attention that occur, and if I do notice, I don’t want to stop and address it cause I’ve got to get whatever I'm working on done. This makes me sad to realize, but motivated to do better because I want my husband (and my kids) to recognize that they are the most important, not my to-do list. We resolve this by slowing down and prioritizing, which help us from becoming too consumed by less important things. This creates a state of mind that is clear and able to recognize the other person's needs and then act. Another cause for not turning towards others is that our focus is on ourselves instead of our spouse and those we love. Pres. Hinckley said this, “I find selfishness to be the root cause of most of (the problems that lead to broken homes). I am satisfied that a happy marriage is not so much a matter of romance as it an anxious concern for the comfort and well-being of one’s companion.” Concern for the well-being of our partners definitely includes watching for and acting upon bids for attention which help us to turn towards our spouses in love and unselfishness.