Today I am sending all the packages. I am giving a couple people some bralettes that don't fit me. I am sending my sister-in-law a bunch of leggings that I never wear because I find them too warm. I am sending a book to a friend's kids.
I love sending mail. It is one of my favorite things to do in the world. Mail is awesome, I love it when you get it and see that someone was thinking about you. So I like giving someone else than experience.
I love sending mail. It is one of my favorite things to do in the world. Mail is awesome, I love it when you get it and see that someone was thinking about you. So I like giving someone else than experience.
I have been thinking more and more about my year of mental health issues.
It is so weird to think that just taking a pill could make me lose my grip on sanity. That it took so long to figure out what was causing it (though I kept wondering it that was it).
I look back at that year and see how I was thinking was skewed. I was barely hanging on, which I have talked about before but the odd thing now is how much I was just not myself. Everything was overblown. Everything was about me. Not just in the way that people think about themselves normally but almost in a narcissistic way. Maybe not maybe, maybe I was actually narcissistic in a clinical way. I really didn't think my behavior would have any sort of repercussions. I was a complete asshole to so many people because I honestly didn't understand that I was.
It is so weird to look back at myself and see how weird my thinking was. Now that things are better, I don't want to go back to that ever. I honestly would rather be in pain all the time than do that.
BTW, I have a migraine today. I didn't have migraines while my was like that, which was nice. My face didn't hurt, which was nice. None of it was worth it.
It is so weird to think that just taking a pill could make me lose my grip on sanity. That it took so long to figure out what was causing it (though I kept wondering it that was it).
I look back at that year and see how I was thinking was skewed. I was barely hanging on, which I have talked about before but the odd thing now is how much I was just not myself. Everything was overblown. Everything was about me. Not just in the way that people think about themselves normally but almost in a narcissistic way. Maybe not maybe, maybe I was actually narcissistic in a clinical way. I really didn't think my behavior would have any sort of repercussions. I was a complete asshole to so many people because I honestly didn't understand that I was.
It is so weird to look back at myself and see how weird my thinking was. Now that things are better, I don't want to go back to that ever. I honestly would rather be in pain all the time than do that.
BTW, I have a migraine today. I didn't have migraines while my was like that, which was nice. My face didn't hurt, which was nice. None of it was worth it.
Today stuff happened at work, I was sad, upset then angry. It was hard because right now I am not fully trusting my head because all the stuff that went down over the last year. It was so bad that I was thinking I would have to have a leave of absence or even quit my job over this.
My work BFF calmed me down, then I went to therapy, where we talked about how vulnerable I am feeling. That so much of my identity is wrapped up in work that it is hard for me to not do well in it.
I had scheduled a meeting with HR about this whole thing, because I was so upset about it and, honestly, I wanted to CYA. I am not 100% and I can’t work at that level right now. I have been back at work for four weeks and for two and a half of those I have been on two projects.
The context switching is killing me. Also one of the projects I am the only person actually building things and figuring out their system and this isn’t something I can do right now. Usually I love this sort of thing but I am floundering. There is also more drama attached to this but it doesn’t matter, what it comes down to is that I love my job, I want to keep it but I need to have some understanding for a while.
Now that I explained all of that, I can tell you about the thing that is really bugging me. First,
gwangi really stepped up and helped me a ton today. He was there when I really needed him to be there. That was awesome. However I still decided to activate Facebook and write a whole post about my problems and basically a “look at me” post. I don’t know why I do this every time I am so upset.
I want to work on this pattern. This is part of keeping Facebook turned off because it means I will get out of the habit of stuff like that. I need to reflect before I act. I have been trying to journal more but I am still a person that takes action before anything else.
I didn’t take a leave of absence or quit, so that is good. The HR guy is going to help me figure this all out
My work BFF calmed me down, then I went to therapy, where we talked about how vulnerable I am feeling. That so much of my identity is wrapped up in work that it is hard for me to not do well in it.
I had scheduled a meeting with HR about this whole thing, because I was so upset about it and, honestly, I wanted to CYA. I am not 100% and I can’t work at that level right now. I have been back at work for four weeks and for two and a half of those I have been on two projects.
The context switching is killing me. Also one of the projects I am the only person actually building things and figuring out their system and this isn’t something I can do right now. Usually I love this sort of thing but I am floundering. There is also more drama attached to this but it doesn’t matter, what it comes down to is that I love my job, I want to keep it but I need to have some understanding for a while.
Now that I explained all of that, I can tell you about the thing that is really bugging me. First,
gwangi really stepped up and helped me a ton today. He was there when I really needed him to be there. That was awesome. However I still decided to activate Facebook and write a whole post about my problems and basically a “look at me” post. I don’t know why I do this every time I am so upset. I want to work on this pattern. This is part of keeping Facebook turned off because it means I will get out of the habit of stuff like that. I need to reflect before I act. I have been trying to journal more but I am still a person that takes action before anything else.
I didn’t take a leave of absence or quit, so that is good. The HR guy is going to help me figure this all out
I have been reading a lot of books about rape culture and consent. gwangi would tell you too many but I actually find it pretty useful for me to process things.
I also feel like I have been growing in who I am in a lot of ways and one of the hardest things about growing is examining behaviors that you have done that you are now ashamed of. It is amazing how many implied consents I have assumed because I was female and was interested in men. I mean, in most cases it worked out okay because I am a good reader of people’s body language and would always back off if the person said anything but on the other hand, I am not sure I should have put people in that sort of situation. It is an interesting thought experiment.
For instance, I am not a huge hugger, but have forced myself to become one over the years because it shows people I care for them. Plus women are socialized to hug people. Is this a good thing? What if people asked? It would have spared me a lot of anxiety when I was younger but I wouldn’t have made myself learn how to do it either. That sounds like the “I learned so all the young people should learn” argument.
Another thing I realize I have done in the past was leave things undefined/unspecified because that way I didn’t have to hear something I didn’t want to. Also because I never thought I was worth having a relationship with. I am honestly surprised that Zach and I ever got as far as we did, maybe because his bluntness is pretty much what I need.
gwangi would tell you too many but I actually find it pretty useful for me to process things.I also feel like I have been growing in who I am in a lot of ways and one of the hardest things about growing is examining behaviors that you have done that you are now ashamed of. It is amazing how many implied consents I have assumed because I was female and was interested in men. I mean, in most cases it worked out okay because I am a good reader of people’s body language and would always back off if the person said anything but on the other hand, I am not sure I should have put people in that sort of situation. It is an interesting thought experiment.
For instance, I am not a huge hugger, but have forced myself to become one over the years because it shows people I care for them. Plus women are socialized to hug people. Is this a good thing? What if people asked? It would have spared me a lot of anxiety when I was younger but I wouldn’t have made myself learn how to do it either. That sounds like the “I learned so all the young people should learn” argument.
Another thing I realize I have done in the past was leave things undefined/unspecified because that way I didn’t have to hear something I didn’t want to. Also because I never thought I was worth having a relationship with. I am honestly surprised that Zach and I ever got as far as we did, maybe because his bluntness is pretty much what I need.
When we moved down here Zach's job was "limited tenure" for two years. That was extended over and over, most recently to end next summer.
Yesterday he learned that he is going going to be made a regular full-time employee. Basically nothing changes, he was already getting all the full benefits, it just means that he can apply for jobs outside of his department and he can be up for promotions.
I think this means we are in Rochester to stay. I have to figure out how I feel about that.
On one hand I miss my friends and family. I am not sure I have ever been good here in Rochester. However, on the other side of things, I love our house, Henrietta is in a great school, we are really started to get to know the neighbors, and since I have started to be more "me" in regards to who I am in the yard and the way things are, I feel more comfortable.
Maybe I just had to figure out how to be who I am in the suburbs. Maybe I had to get away from Preventice. Maybe I had to act the way I thought I had to act to live in the suburbs and then have a breakdown to show me what was actually important.
Zach tells me that it is fine to go to the cities when I want to, and by "it is fine" he means "I should go and have fun with my friends because it makes me happy". (We are working on communicating better in therapy). Also, it really isn't that far away from the cities, and doesn't feel like it now that the kids are getting bigger. We just have to figure out how this looks like, having a home here, while letting me keep my friendships there.
Yesterday he learned that he is going going to be made a regular full-time employee. Basically nothing changes, he was already getting all the full benefits, it just means that he can apply for jobs outside of his department and he can be up for promotions.
I think this means we are in Rochester to stay. I have to figure out how I feel about that.
On one hand I miss my friends and family. I am not sure I have ever been good here in Rochester. However, on the other side of things, I love our house, Henrietta is in a great school, we are really started to get to know the neighbors, and since I have started to be more "me" in regards to who I am in the yard and the way things are, I feel more comfortable.
Maybe I just had to figure out how to be who I am in the suburbs. Maybe I had to get away from Preventice. Maybe I had to act the way I thought I had to act to live in the suburbs and then have a breakdown to show me what was actually important.
Zach tells me that it is fine to go to the cities when I want to, and by "it is fine" he means "I should go and have fun with my friends because it makes me happy". (We are working on communicating better in therapy). Also, it really isn't that far away from the cities, and doesn't feel like it now that the kids are getting bigger. We just have to figure out how this looks like, having a home here, while letting me keep my friendships there.
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